03x15 - The Great Snail Race/Mid-Life Crustacean

[bunniefuu]

( bugle playing )

( giggles )

Good morning, pineapple.

( bugle plays )

Good morning, Gary.

( meows )

Good morning, world.

I'm ready!

World?

( humming )

Talk to me.

Package, sir.

Aha!

l can't believe
it's finally here.

There you go.

Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Thank you, Mr....
Tennis Balls.

That's "Tentacles."

( door slams )

Squidward's last name
is "Tentacles"?

Poor guy.

( whistling )

Hey, check out
Squidward's new snail.

( whistles )

Fancy.

So that's what came in the mail.

Looks like Gary has
a new little playmate.

Dream on, SpongeBob.

I wouldn't let Snellie here
play with that mongrel mutt.

She's a purebred.

Wow. A snail made
out of bread.

No.

Purebred means
she's of the highest pedigree.

See?

She even has her own papers.

So if you'll excuse us,

Snellie has to start
her training.

Training?

For Bikini Bottom's snail race.

Snellie will be winning
this Sunday.

Sunday?

Well, I guess

I can't enter Gary in that.

Sunday's laundry day.

No, SpongeBob.

You can't enter Gary
because Gary's a mutt.

Boy, you got that
right. Gary's no...

Hey! What makes you
so sure

Gary couldn't win that race?

Papers.

Hmm, "Property of
Squidward Tentpoles."

That's Tennisball...
Uh, Tentacles!

Come on, Snellie.

You know what?

I'm starting to get
the idea

that Squidward thinks
his snail is better than mine.

No!

Patrick, are you thinking

what I'm thinking?

Yeah, I should get a snail

and enter it
in that race and
beat Squidward.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

No, no, no!

I'm thinking about entering
you in that race

and beating Squidward's snail!

Looks like we're going

to start our training now,
ladies.

( laughs )

l call you a lady
to humiliate and demean you.

It's a motivational tool
we coaches use.

Hmm, I don't know why,

but I think I'll kick
SpongeBob's butt tomorrow.

Kelp powder for muscle mass,

raw eggs 'cause they're cliché,

and nails for toughness.

( clattering )
( meows )

Of course I expect you
to eat this.

It's scientifically designed
to help you win tomorrow.

Gary?

Wow, pretty good time.

Hey, SpongeBob,
check out my new snail.

Patrick, your snail is a rock.

Yeah, thanks. I know.

He's got nerves of steel.

See you at the big race!

Boy, the competition's
getting tough.

That's it, Gary.

We are going to start
some serious training right now.

( meows )

All right, Gary,
let's start with some sprints.

On your mark, set, go!

Go, Gary, go, come on!

Go, Gary!
It's all yours, Gary!

Gary?

Come on, Gary,
the big race is tomorrow.

You got to start training
if you want to win.

Don't waste your
breath, SpongeBob.

That mongrel of yours

doesn't have a chance
against Snellie.

Excuse me,

but you two seem
to be forgetting

who the real winner will be...
my snail.

Patrick, that's a rock.

Yeah, thanks. I know.

He's got nerves of steel.

Hey, what are you
standing on, anyway?

Like I said,

don't even bother
showing up tomorrow.

( loud crash )

My snail's really got

Squidward scared, huh,
SpongeBob?

Sorry, Patrick.

Gary and I've got
some serious work to do.

You can run, but you can't hide,
SquarePants!

All right, Gary,
no more fooling around.

Time to get serious.

( whistle blowing )

Come on, Gary, move it!

Up, up, up, up!
Down, down, down, down!

Faster, faster, faster!
Go, go, go!

Come on, push it, Gary, push it!

Move that shell!

Come on, Gary, move it!

Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Faster!

Let's go! Let's go!

Speed it up! Speed it up!
Speed it up!

Move it, Gary!

Move it, move it,
move it, move it...

Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke.

Come on, Gary,

we're going to be late
for the big race!

Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to our live coverage
of this year's annual

spring classic,
the nd Running of The Snail.

And what a beautiful day
for this sport of kings,

of which I am a huge fan.

Seriously, I'm just a fan.

I was on my way to my seat,
the door was open...

MAN:
Hey, what are
you doing?!

No!

Huh, sorry about that, folks.

Let's go down to the field

to join the mayor
for the pre-game ceremony.

And now for the lighting of the
Torch of Good Sportsmanship,

please join me

in welcoming snail racing's
first-ever champion,

Lightning Larry Luciano!

( applause, cheers
and band playing )

ANNOUNCER:
Would you look at that, folks?

Lightning Larry Luciano,
a living legend,

slowly making his way
center stage.

And what a proud moment
for this sport.

The crowd is going
absolutely nuts...

for Larry.

He's almost there.

( chuckles weakly )

Uh, yes, sirree.

Any minute now.

He's almost a quarter
of the way there.

( playing discordantly )

The torch is lit!

Let the race begin.

( crowd cheers )

Well, SpongeBob, I must admit,

I didn't think
that mongrel mutt of yours

would even find
the starting line.

Congratulations.

( laughs )

Save it for the loser's circle,
Squidward.

Gary happens to be
in the best shape of his life.

( wheezing cough )

I'll alert the paramedics.

( laughs ):
Good one, Squidward.

You guys ready?

Huh! A burglar!

No, Patrick,
that's the official.

We're ready to start
here, folks.

Okay, Snellie, let's show these

common, garden-variety snails

what superior breeding
is all about.

( meows )

All right, Gary, listen up.

The competition is
going to be fierce.

You're the undersnail.

Everybody's already
counting you out.

Now get out there and win

so we can rub Squidward's
big, fat nose in it.

( meows )

This is what you've been
training for, Rocky.

This is why we're here.

On your mark, get set,

slither!

ANNOUNCER:
And they're off!

Number six, Snellie, rockets out
of the starting blocks,

leaving the other two
competitors in the dust!

What?!

Go, Snellie, you got it, baby!

What are you doing, Gary?!
The race has started!

You let Snellie take the lead!

Let's go, Gary!
Start moving!

You're blowing everything
we trained for!

Blowing it!

lt's okay, Rocky.
You go when you feel like it.

Gary, are you listening to me?!

Get the anchors out
of your pants right now!

Don't give me that look!

I said now, mister!
Get going, Gary!

Go, go, go, go, go!

And there goes number seven
out of the starting gate.

Oh, hang on, folks.

He doesn't look so good.

( panting )

Not good enough, Gary!
Not good enough! Faster!

( panting )

I do not like the look of this.

Come on, Gary, it's a race!
A race!

Have you heard of 'em?!

That coach is pushing that snail
too hard.

Faster, Gary! Faster, faster,
faster, faster!

Huh?

Oh! Looks like number seven
has a blowout.

Oop, make that two, folks.

( all exclaiming )

Uh, Gary?

Plus a blown head gasket!

Oh, and the poor creature's
still going for it.

Um, Gary, you can stop now.

And he's losing control!

( screeching )

( all exclaiming )

You can take a breath now
if you want to, Gary.

He's spinning out of control!

( all gasping )

He's heading straight
for the wall!

( gasping )

( cheering )

No!!

Hold on, Gary, I'm coming!

Whoa-oh.

One of the coaches seems

to have raced onto the track.

That is an a*t*matic
disqualification.

Looks like number six
has this race all wrapped up,

ladies and gentlemen.

Come on, Snellie,
it's all you, baby!

Oh, Gary, I'm sorry.

Why didn't you just say
I was pushing it too hard?

( meows )

You did?

Oh, Gary, why didn't you tell me
l wasn't listening?!

( meows )

You did?

No, Gary!
Oh, Gary!

( meows )

What?!

Gary?

( both purring )

Oh...

ALL:
Aw...

( laughs )

My, oh, my.

Folks, I have never seen
anything quite like this.

lt seems Snellie, the leader,
just went back to comfort Gary.

Looks like you and I are
in-laws, eh, Squidward?

But that's impossible.

If Snellie didn't win, then...

And the winner is Rocky!

( laughing in between sobs )

( cheering wildly )

I can't believe it.

My purebred...
Which cost me $ , ...

lost to a rock.

Don't worry, Squidward.

I know how much
you wanted to win,

so I had the trophy
engraved to you.

Gosh, Patrick, thanks.

"The st Place
Snail Racing Cup

Presented to
Squidward Tortellini"?!

Will I ever win?

( all laugh )

That's for yesterday,
SquarePants!

DJ:
You've got it tuned to KOLD...

K-OLD, the all oldies station.

Here's a little something

you may remember
from the good old days.

♪ You're old ♪

♪ You're old ♪

( groans )

♪ Grumbling like a geezer ♪

( popping )

♪ Yourself a-cracklin'
like an old has-been ♪

♪ Look at yourself, old man,
you've got multiple chins ♪

♪ 'Cause you're old... ♪

( joints cracking )

Good morning, Daddy.

I made you breakfast.

Thank you, sweet pea.

I see you got creative
with the bran today.

Open up. It's time
for the pill.

Oh, Barnacles.

I hate the pill.

( rumbling )

( thud )

Ooh...

Pearl... do you think
I'm... old?

Well, of course I do!

But that's okay.

Daddies are supposed
to be old.

But I'm still cool, right?

Your old man is cool?

See, no one says "cool" anymore.

That's such an old-person thing.

Now we say "coral," as in

"That nose job is so coral."

"Coral," eh?

Ew. When you say it,
it sounds so uncoral.

Well, what if I said it
with a different inflection?

Co-ral.

Don't you have to go
to work or something, Dad?

Whoo! You're right.

Have a coral day, honey.

Jenny, it's Pearl.

Coral is definitely out.

Ha! Old?!

What was I thinking?

I ain't old. Huh?

Don't worry, Pops.

We're almost across the street.

Hey, get away from me.

I don't need no
snot-nosed little...

Sorry you had to see that.

Come on. Move it!

Could you be any slower?

And you've had your blinker on

for the last five blocks.

CHILD:
Hey, Mister, could you

throw the ball back over here?

Hey, how's about
I join you kids?

Uh... that's okay.

You can keep it.

Why do old people always
have to ruin the fun?

( groans softly )

Hey! No cutting!

You got to wait your
turn like everybody else.

No... no!
I ain't old like you!

I ain't old!

I ain't old!

What's his problem?

Next.

CHILD:
Mommy, my Krabby Patty
tastes funny.

Well, no wonder.

It's all old and dried out...

like that man right there.

Now, put that thing
where it belongs...

in the garbage.

♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la... ♪

Well, little patty,
we're two of a kind.

We've both lost our luster.

Hmm. So that's
what I taste like.

Good morning, Krusty crew.

Hi, Patrick! You all ready
for the big night out tonight?

Yeah, it's gonna rock!

Are you ready to go crazy?!

I'm already hearing voices!

Are you ready to...

SpongeBob! Patrick!
Do you mind?

Let's continue
this conversation
in private, Patrick.

I think some people
are eavesdropping!

Well, how rude of some people!

Mmm. Those youngsters
are going out

for a big night on the town.

Whoo! I've been looking
forward to this night all week.

Party!

What do you think
we should do first?

What shouldn't we do first?

We're young...

we've got wheels...

the world is our oyster!

SpongeBob, you got something
on your shoulder.

Hey, boys.
Hanging out?

Yes.

I couldn't help

overhearing your big plans,
and I was wondering

if you had room for one more
crazy dude tonight, huh?

Of course. Did you want to
come with us, Mr. Krabs?

Oh... hadn't even
crossed me mind.

But sure! I'll go!

I don't know, SpongeBob.

He might cramp our style.

Style!
Style!

Let's see if he knows

the secret cool-guy handshake.

Uh... yeah!

'Course I know it.

Uh...

Uh...

I'm waiting... old man.

Uh... how do you do?

Fine, and you?
All right, you're in.

But I'm not happy about it.

You passed the test,
Mr. Krabs!

Great! Why don't you boys
show up at my house at : .

I just want to warn you,
Mr. Krabs,

we're always fashionably late.

( doorbell rings )

Hey, there, Mr. Krabs.

Are you ready to party!

Oh, I'm ready to party!

Are you ready to party?

I'm ready to party!

Are you ready to party,
SpongeBob?

I'm ready to party!

Are you ready to party,
Mr. Krabs?

I'm ready to par-tay!

Are you ready
to par-tay, SpongeBob!

I'm ready to par-tay!

Are you ready to par-tay,
Patrick?

I'm ready to party!

Are you ready to party,
Mr. Krabs?

I'm ready to party!

Are you ready to...

Stop it!
Just stop it.

You're embarrassing me, Dad.

So... what kind of hot rod
will we be cruisin' in tonight?

Only the most powerful
chick-magnet in town...

the underwater heartbreaker.

lt's more like
a chick repellent.

And there's only
two seats.

Calm your waters,
Mr. Krabs.

I modified this little
baby myself.

Are you sure this is what
the kids are driving these days?

Only the cool kids.

Hey. You guys
must be lost.

Doofus Drive
is around the corner.

We're not lost.

I've got my compass.

So long, dorks!
Ha-ha!

Good-bye, pals.

We used to beat people up
for saying things like that!

Everything's
all topsy-turvy now.

Here we are...

The Wash.

They sure are giving these clubs
some crazy names.

I have to tell you boys...

I'm a little nervous.

I haven't been, you know,
"on the scene"

for quite a while now.

Just follow our
lead, Mr. Krabs.

And above all...
keep it cool.

Cool... Gotcha.

( screaming incoherently )

( screaming incoherently )

Hello, g*ng.
SpongeBob's back.

Let's party!

Any port in a stor...

Wait a minute.

( Muzak playing soft music )

This is a Laundromat.

Oh, yeah! Whoo!

That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, yeah, yeah!

The colors!

Whoa, yeah!

You guys want another
rinse cycle? I'm buying.

You know, I love staring
at delicates

as much as the next guy, but...

it's just that I thought
we'd see more of the nightlife.

Something that will give me

that wild and crazy,
hot-blooded feeling...

if you know what I mean.

Oh, I know what you mean,
Mr. Krabs.

This is only stop numero uno
on our night of debauchery!

Debauchery!

Debauchery!

Debauchery? I never thought

of picking up trash under
the highway as hot-blooded.

But if it's what the kids
are into...

So are you feeling

that wild and crazy
feeling, Mr. Krabs?

Not yet.

Don't worry, you will.

Are you feeling it
now, Mr. Krabs?

I'm feeling a warm spot.

Sorry.

Are you feeling it now

Mr. Krabs?

Are you feeling it?

I'm feeling it, SpongeBob.

SPONGEBOB:
Patrick, that's not a ride.

Get off of me.

Are you feeling it now,
Mr. Krabs?

Are you feeling
it now, Mr. Krabs?

Art thou feeling it now,
Mr. Krabs?

You feeling it now,
Mr. Krabs?

Shh!

How about now?
Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs?

CHILDREN:
Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs?

Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs?

Can you feel it,
Mr. Krabs?

So, you want to know
if I can feel it?

Yeah!
Yeah!

Do you really want to know
if I can feel it?

Yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah!

Because I can feel it.

You want to know what
I'm feeling?

Yes!
Yes!

l'm feeling like
a total barnacle-head!

( children screaming )

You think this is cool?!

How about this!

And this! Am I with it now?

You guys wouldn't
know a good time

if it bit you in the aft end!

I'm going home.

You guys ain't cool.

You're lame!

Uh... lame?!

Lame!

You're nerds! Geeks!

Creeps! And babies!

Not babies!
Not babies!

l may be old, but even
an old bag of shells like me

knows that you haven't suggested
one cool thing all night!

So good night to ya!

I guess you're going to miss
the panty raid.

The what?

I said...

I guess you're going

to miss the panty raid.

Panty raid? You're talking
about girls, right?

Girl girls?

Yeah.

And you're talking
about raiding their dressers

for their underpants, right?

Oh, yeah.

Well, count me in!

If this works, I'll take
back what I said

about you two being lame.

Not lame!
Not lame!

Now, this is more like it!

Give us some credit, old man.

We're panty professionals!

We score here all the time.

( chuckling and snickering )

Frilly things!

We hit the jackpot!

Oh, yeah,
Mr. Krabs!

Whoo-hoo!

You finally came through
for me, boys!

I feel young again.

Eugene?
Mother?

What are you doing
with my bloomers?

Well... I, uh...

( groans )

( weak chuckle )

Why didn't you tell me
this was my mother's house?

Why didn't you ask?

( weak chuckle )

Uh... ooh.

But it was all SpongeBob
and Patrick's idea!

Go to your room, mister.

You're grounded
for the rest of the night.

Yes, Mommy.

Don't worry, Pops.

We're almost to your room.

( groans )

Sorry, Mr. Krabs.

Ah, that's all right, lad.

I certainly feel younger.

Good night, Mr. Krabs.

Good night, SpongeBob.

Eugene, lights out!

Yes, Mommy.