04x25 - Your Home Sweet Home Is My Home

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

[phone ringing]

Just a second.

Sorry.

Yeah?

Yeah, Marge?

Mr. Steele?

Right, I'm expecting him.

Send him in.

Well, he's my accountant's new accountant.

OK.

I better neaten up.

I don't want to get coffee on my tax returns.

Hello.

Bert Steele.

Mr. Steele.

That's a funny name for an accountant.

Yes, I know.

I have your returns here, Mr. Petrie.

Oh, good.

Why don't you use my desk?

Thank you.

I can't wait to see them.

Your tax returns?

Well, yeah.

Kind of like reading your own obituary.

I beg your pardon?

No, I beg yours.

Now, about your returns, Mr. Petrie,

they're almost complete, except for a few little discrepancies

here.

Discrepancies?

Yes.

There are a few items I find rather puzzling.

Oh.

Well, I'll be glad to clear up anything I can.

I have a check here, Mr. Petrie, $35

for farming equipment.

Farming equipment?

Well, you see, that's framing.

My wife has lousy handwriting.

I bought, you know, some molding to frame some paintings.

ND.

- ND? - Of course.

Well, what's ND?

Framing.

Farming would have been D.

Now, I don't--

I don't like to appear stupid, but I don't

think I could avoid it here.

What is D and ND?

Deductible and--

Oh, and non-deductible, of course.

I have a check here that should be a D.

Well, what one's that?

There's one here to Jerry Helper.

He's your dentist, isn't he?

Yeah, that's right.

Well, then that $37.50 is a definite MD.

Well, no, he's a DDS.

MD, medical deduction.

Oh.

Well, that's not a medical deduction.

You see, every year, I give my friend Jerry

Helper a check for $37.50.

Well, why?

Well, you might call it, um, friendship money.

You pay this man to be your friend?

Well, no.

Well, as a matter of fact, yeah, I pay Jerry helper

every year to be my friend.

Mr. Petrie, do I understand you?

You say you pay this man to be your friend.

Well, actually, it's because he is my friend.

Well, what's the difference?

Well, you see, Jerry and I have

been friends ever since we were neighbors

way back in Willettown.

Did you pay him to be your friend at that time too?

Well, this is going to get awful long and involved here.

Believe me, it's not deductible.

I think I'd be a better judge of that.

Boy, I think-- you're gonna think this is pretty crazy.

Mr. Petrie, I say it's those little crazy things that

add up to significant savings.

Well, yeah, but that--

I mean, that's only $37.50.

Could you explain it, please?

Well, yeah.

See, it goes back to just after we found out

we were going to have a baby.

So my wife I decided we needed a bigger house.

And we looked at hundreds of them,

couldn't find anything that pleased us.

But finally, Laura found a highly possible one day,

and we went out to look at it.

And Jerry Helper and Millie came along for the ride.

We almost took that house right on the spot

until a real estate man took us down to the basement.

Laura had already seen the house earlier.

And as she took me through, the house just seemed perfect.

I couldn't understand her apprehension

as we approached the basement.

MR. PARKLY: If you liked the rest of the house, Mr. Petrie,

wait till you see this.

It's really great.

Really knock your eye out, right, Mrs. Petrie?

Oh, right.

Now, I want you to turn right and close

your eyes for a minute.

ROB: OK, all right.

What is it?

Keep your eyes closed, darling.

And when you open them, you're gonna be looking at an O'Neill

and Bumpstead wet bar.

Huh?

An O'Neill and Wempstead bump bar.

Honey, look at this here.

A refrigerator, and a sink, and everything.

Mr. Parkly, I think my husband's ready to see

the rest of the room now.

Well, of course.

I want you to see all our custom features--

your built-in concealed cabinets, your thermostat.

And here is your rock, and your juice

boxes and breaker switches, your three ground-level windows--

My rock?

That's right.

And I want you to notice your acoustical ceiling.

Wait a minute.

I'm still noticing my rock.

Oh, yes.

Great conversation piece, isn't it?

Well, then let's talk about it.

Why not?

What would you like to know?

Well, just for starters, what's it's doing here?

Doing here?

Doing here?

It's not just here, Mr. Petrie.

It's under half of Westchester.

Just comes up here.

You make it sound like we're lucky.

Honey, why didn't you tell me about that?

Well, I wanted you to see the house

with an open mind, darling.

Does it bother you?

Well, I'm too stunned to know.

Doesn't it bother you?

Well, I'm not sure anymore.

I think I think it's interesting.

Give it a chance, Mr. Petrie.

I bet you could do wonderful things with it,

couldn't you, little lady?

Well, you know, it might be fun to decorate, Rob.

I could put some plants on it.

Just wait.

It may grow its own.

It does bother you, doesn't it?

Well, I don't know, honey.

If it was in a park or on a mountain,

but I don't want a rock in my basement.

Why?

It's not doing anything.

Well, for one thing, I can't put a pool table down here.

Oh, for heaven's sakes, there's

plenty of room over here for one of those little regulation

pool tables, right here.

Oh, we'll use chopsticks for cues.

Mr. Parkly, that's beside the point.

Nobody wants to have a rock like that in their basement.

Why didn't they blast that out when they built the place?

Well, we did, Mr. Petrie.

And we got most of it.

But if we had gone any further, we

would have interfered with the whole Appalachian fault.

ROB: Oh, I can't believe that.

Well, I couldn't believe it either,

but why should we jeopardize the whole of Westchester

for one lousy house?

It's a great house.

Rob, it really is a good house.

Well, honey, I'm--

that dumb rock.

Mr. Petrie, every house has little things.

But that-- that's not a little thing.

Well, it's an awful lot of house for only $27,990.

$27,990?

But your brochure says $25,990.

Well, you have one of the old brochures.

No, no, no.

No, here you are, Mrs. Petrie.

That's the new price right there.

Now, what do you say?

This is the last house on the track.

Shall we close the books?

Not at that price.

Are you gonna let just a few dollars stand

in the way of your dream house?

Well, this isn't exactly my dream house.

Just love it.

It's incredible.

Rob, this is a great house.

It's a great house.

I'll tell you, I know we're losing great neighbors--

what's this?

It's a rock.

It's a rock, isn't it, Rob?

How'd they get it in here?

Hey, Rob, you throwing a pilgrim party?

[laughs] You're gonna have a lot of laughs with that rock,

Mr. Petrie.

Another comedy writer?

No, that's a funny dentist.

Rob, what's the rock doing in your basement?

Well, it's causing a few problems, mostly.

Why don't you get a house without a rock?

Because this is the last house, Millie.

Well, I don't wonder.

Who wants a rock?

Well, Rob, you going to take it?

I don't know.

Honey?

I don't know either.

Now, folks, look.

This may be the last rock-- uh, house.

But you're not the last buyers.

With our prospects, why, it'll be gone before the weekend's

up. - I'm sorry.

We're gonna have to think it over.

Because of the rock?

Well, the rock and the price, a lot of little things.

Well, couldn't we discuss the price?

Between yourselves, yes.

[laughs] Well, think it over.

I'm going upstairs.

Well, you could build a big box around it.

Why?

Well, because it's not so crazy to have

a big box in your basement.

It's so big.

Maybe we're too close.

Let's get out of here.

That rotten rock!

But you know, Rob, it was the best house we've seen so far.

And it was so roomy.

Oh, honey, it wasn't that roomy.

Millie, do you think it was that roomy?

Well, it wasn't that roomy.

It was roomy.

Rob, what should we do?

Honey, I don't know.

I wish a wise man would walk in the door right now

and say, Rob, here's what you're gonna do.

You want my advice?

He said a wise man.

You don't need a wise man.

Listen to me.

Now, listen.

You want my advice?

Leave.

Forget this house.

Huh?

Look, I've been sitting here for hours listening

to the pros and the cons.

And the cons are way ahead.

You know, there are a couple of cons

you haven't even mentioned yet.

Like what?

Good luck getting into that garage.

That's right.

That was very narrow, wasn't it?

Yeah, and you're never gonna get your washing machine

and your dryer in that laundry room.

Oh, that's true.

And Rob, did you notice there was only one

closet in the master bedroom?

Yeah, you're never gonna get all your clothes in there.

Honey, let's keep looking.

Yeah, I guess so.

See?

You're doing the right thing.

You know, from my standpoint, the biggest

drawback is the location.

What's wrong with the location?

Well, New Rochelle is over an hour from here.

Well, Millie, that wouldn't make

any difference once we moved.

Well, it would to me.

We'd never see each other.

What would happen to our friendship?

Oh, nothing.

Look, you and Jerry aren't gonna live in Willettown forever.

You can move near us.

No, no.

Jerry says wherever his patients are,

that's where his roots are, don't you, Jer?

Yeah.

Well, I-- that's kind of a joke, you know?

Yeah.

Come on, Jerry.

You're a great dentist.

Your customers would go where you go.

I would.

Yeah, but not everybody's my best buddy.

Well, I don't think you have to worry.

Doesn't look like we're gonna be moving so fast.

Honey, we are going to find a place.

And you guys, thanks a lot.

Oh, what for?

For helping us.

We'd have gone nuts trying to make a decision

about that house by ourselves. - Don't be silly.

That's what friends are for.

Hey, honey, we better get back.

Mrs. Zachary's sitting, and you know how

moody she gets when we're late.

Your mother's sitting.

My mother?

Well, she's worse than Mrs. Zachary.

Come on, let's go.

- OK, see you guys later. - Bye.

Goodbye.

Thanks again.

Rob, you're making the right decision.

See you later.

Oh, I feel rotten.

Well, you've been on your feet the whole day long.

No, it's not that, Rob.

It's just that I have a feeling we'll live here forever.

Our baby's gonna have to sleep in a closet.

Honey, we're gonna find tomorrow

the house that we want.

And that is guaranteed.

You've said that about 100 times.

Well, tomorrow, I ought to be right.

I'm due.

And I'm due in seven months.

Rob, I don't want to be living here when the baby's born.

Tomorrow, we will find the house we want,

or I will have the baby for you.

I'll hold you to that.

I'll find the house.

[music playing]

Ugh.

What are you doing, sitting on the floor?

I'm crying.

Oh, honey.

Don't do that.

I want to.

Rob, we're gonna live here forever.

I just know it.

I know it. - Honey, come on.

Get up.

No.

OK.

We're gonna find a house, honey.

Look how close we came with the rock.

Oh, Rob, I know I'm acting silly.

It's just that we've been looking for so long now.

Remember how long it took us to find this house.

One day.

Oh.

Well, see, one day, we'll find another one.

Rob, you know the Waikiki Acres?

Maybe we ought to reconsider that house on Aloha Drive.

What do you think?

I don't know, honey.

Our New England furniture in a Hawaiian house,

I'd feel like a missionary.

Well, what was wrong with the one at Weathering Heights?

Well, besides the name, it was too far from the school.

Washington Heights?

That was too close to the school.

The kids would cut a path right across the lawn.

Honey, don't look at them anymore.

I'm sick of them.

[sighs]

How would you decorate that rock?

Rob, you mean it?

Well, I'm just thinking, honey.

$27,990, spread over, say, 30, 40 years is not all that much.

And that house is more what we wanted

than any place we've looked at.

It is, isn't it?

Outside the rock, and the price,

and the closet, and the narrow garage, it's almost perfect.

That's it.

That is it.

Rob, are you really sure?

Honey, it's the best house we've seen.

Besides that, I can't have a baby.

Oh, I love you, and I love that house, Rob.

We're gonna be so happy there. - I know.

You know something?

I love that house.

I'm glad we bought--

Hello, Mr. Parkly?

Hi, Mr. Petrie.

How are you?

I was hoping to catch you in.

Look, I think we've got some good news for you.

Huh?

Oh.

Well, yeah, you said any minute.

When?

What?

That sure is a coincidence.

Thank you very much, Mr. Parkly.

Rob, it's gone, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

It's gone, all right.

In one sh*t, we lost that house and our best friends.

What?

Millie and Jerry bought that house!

Yeah, Millie and Jerry.

Jerry and Millie bought our rock house?

I can't believe it.

Rob, are you sure?

Maybe it was somebody else.

Oh, no.

It was nobody else but our dear friends.

Well, I can't believe it.

How could they do that?

They don't even like that house.

They practically talked us out of it.

They didn't even want to move.

Well, there's got to be some mistake.

There's no mistake. They bought the house.

But how could they?

Our best friends.

I don't know.

Maybe they bought it for our wedding

anniversary or something.

Rob, I hate what I'm thinking.

What are you thinking?

They did it on purpose.

Rob, they sat in this very kitchen

and talked about the small laundry room, no closet

space, the skinny garage.

It was just to throw us off the track.

Oh, honey.

No, that's insane.

You're misjudging them.

You're condemning them with no trial, honey.

You're-- you're right.

You're right!

But why would they do such a thing?

Because they wouldn't, honey.

You're wrong.

You're right.

You're right, absolutely right.

They couldn't possibly do what we

are accusing them of, knowing they'd have to face us later.

That's right.

But why? What?

Why?

Hey, hey, kids. Guess what.

Jerry, why?

Millie, why?

I don't know.

Maybe he just thinks it'd be fun to guess.

You, uh-- you bought a house?

How'd you guess?

Yeah, we just put down the deposit.

Guess which house we bought.

Go on, guess.

The house with the rock?

You guessed again. Hey, they're terrific.

Yeah. Hey, listen.

The way we knocked that house last night,

you two must think we're crazy.

No, no, Jerry.

That's not what we think at all.

Isn't it incredible?

You were the ones that were looking for a house,

and we wind up moving.

Isn't it incredible?

It certainly is.

Jerry, what-- what changed your mind so suddenly?

The house.

You know, I just woke up this morning,

and I realized what a great house it really is.

That's right.

The first thing he said today was, let's buy that house.

And I said, what house?

And he said, Rob and Laura's house.

And then I-- - Oh, you did?

You called it our house, huh?

You bet we did.

I mean, after all, you found it.

But the finding it doesn't make it ours.

That's what you're trying to say, isn't it?

No, I didn't say that at all.

I said it was your house, but you didn't want it.

We didn't want it, Jerry, because you

talked us out of it.

After you didn't want it.

Jerry, that's ridiculous.

How could you talk us out of something we didn't want?

Well, to make you feel better.

If you'd wanted it, we wouldn't have talked you out of it.

I mean, we don't go around talking

people out of things they want.

Yeah, we couldn't do a thing like that.

You didn't want it.

It was perfect for us.

Oh, perfect, Millie?

What about the small laundry room that wouldn't

take my washer and dryer?

Well, it is small, but I got a combination unit.

What about the small closets?

Well, Millie doesn't have as many clothes as Laura.

Yeah.

OK, what about the rock?

Well, Jerry doesn't want a pool table down there.

Hey, Millie, Millie, they are mad at us.

Are you two mad?

Jerry, you bought that house right out from under us.

We didn't.

Out from under you?

Rob, you didn't want that house.

Even if we didn't want it, you should

have had the decency to come and check with us

before you took it.

But we did.

We tried to call you before we left you.

Yeah, you were out.

That's right, Millie.

We were looking for a house.

But Rob, we had to move, you see?

Parkly had another guy on the hook.

We had to move fast.

Well, you sure did.

Well, the only reason we're moving in the first place

is because of you.

Because of us?

Sure.

After what you said last night, I realized that I can open

up a new practice anywhere.

Yeah.

Since you were looking in that area anyway,

we just wanted to be near you.

You know, Rob, it's true.

We did say we didn't want the house.

Laura, after all these years, how

you could think that I would do anything to jeopardize our--

SALLY: Millie, Millie, I'm sorry.

I feel pretty stupid.

Believe me, we didn't know you wanted the house.

Oh, I know it, Jerry.

I'm sorry.

We were so disappointed, we were ready to think the worst.

I apologize.

I'll tell you, Rob, if you want the house, it's yours.

Don't be silly.

Take the house.

We'll find another house.

No, fair is fair.

You saw it first.

You got every right to it.

No, we don't.

Look, you knew what you wanted.

We didn't.

It's our own fault. You got the house.

I'll tell you, after all this, I don't think

I could live in it anymore.

Oh, look, I'm--

I'm not gonna take it.

Well, then nobody take it.

No, Millie.

It's too late now.

You've already got it.

Well, we'll give it back.

Hey, she's right.

I mean it.

We drop the whole thing.

Nobody take the house.

What's more important, sticks and stones

or a real friendship?

That's right.

MILLIE: Come on, Jerry.

Join in the friendship.

I put down a $200 deposit.

Well, so?

Well, whose half of the friendship is the deposit?

Oh, Jerry, that's no problem.

Don't worry about it.

Listen, Rob and I will be glad to split the loss with you,

won't we, darling?

Won't we, darling?

Hey, why don't we call up and see

if we can get the money back?

Go on, call up Parkly and tell him.

Oh, I can't.

He wouldn't give it back, Rob.

Look, if he gets a little unreasonable,

you just stop payment on the check.

That's all.

I couldn't do that.

Well, it's a little unethical, I guess.

Well, I don't mind that, but I gave him cash.

Why did you give him cash?

Because he's stupid.

That's why. Go on.

Call him.

It won't hurt to try.

You know, for once in your life, you're right.

Yes, sir.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

The worst he can do is hang up on you.

The worst he can do is keep the money.

Mr. Parkly, this is Dr. Helper here.

Say, about that house--

oh, yeah, just a minute.

He wants your phone number.

I wonder why he wants my number.

Just a minute.

Mr. Parkly, why do you want his phone number?

Well, just a minute.

Yeah, he wants to call you.

Should I give it to him?

No, I'll talk to him now.

Oh yeah. Oh, just a minute.

He's right here.

Yeah, here.

You can talk to him.

Hi, Mr. Parkly.

Yeah.

What?

Oh, hey.

Hold it.

He says that model house is available.

Yeah, I thought the model was sold.

Yeah.

Mr. Parkly, we thought that model was sold.

Oh, that's terrible.

What's terrible?

Somebody stopped payment on a check.

That's not terrible.

Mr. Parkly, how much is it?

What does it look like?

Does it have a rock?

OK, just a second.

Look, it's the same as ours exactly, except reversed.

It doesn't have a rock, and it's $200 cheaper for wear and tear.

Rob, ask him if it has a surface porch.

Does it have a service porch?

Are the colors the same?

Are the colors the same?

Yes and no. - Yes to whom?

- Yes to you. - What to me?

No.

I forgot what I asked.

The colors.

Oh yeah. Are the colors the same?

No. MILLIE: How do you know?

He just told you.

Ah, the basement is a panel in knotty pine.

And they're gonna leave the sling chairs.

Oh.

Ask him how many closets in the master bedroom.

Yeah, any storage closets in the basement?

OK, how many closets in the master?

Are there any storage closet in the basement?

How many baths?

None.

No baths?

No storage closet.

I didn't ask him yours yet.

How many bathrooms?

OK, one walk-in.

What is that?

Closets in the bedroom.

Wait your turn. - Yeah.

With one bathroom, you'd have to.

Yeah.

ROB: Two and a half baths.

[interposing voices]

Just a second.

One at a time now.

How big is the plot?

Are there trees in the backyard?

Fireplace and the vanity.

OK, look.

Is there a one- or two-car garage?

- Who asked that question? - Me.

I got a right to ask something too.

One-car garage.

That's all.

[interposing voices]

Hey, Rob, what'd you do?

We haven't finished with our questions.

I took both houses.

What?

Look, no matter what he said, we'd want both of those houses,

right?

If there was no fireplace, no trees, and it

was surrounded by a pig farm.

Right.

- Right, Rob. - Let's go close the deal.

Yeah, let's do it.

I don't know about the pig farm.

There's no pig farm.

No, the pigs are a symbol of our friendship.

Yeah.

Ooh, listen.

Who's gonna take which house?

If we decide that now, we have nothing to argue

with on the way up there.

I still don't understand about the pigs.

Mr. Petrie, I'm fascinated.

How do you decide who gets which house?

Well, since we originally found that house,

and we had decided to take it, Jerry decided

to let me have a choice.

Which house did you take?

Well, you see, the model was $200 cheaper.

So I thought this Jerry gave me the choice.

I ought to be a big man and let him have the bargain.

And you wound up with a more expensive house and that rock?

ROB: Yeah.

He should be paying you to be his friend.

He thought I cheated him.

Now, why would he think that?

Well, because I end it up with a beautiful house

with a rock in a basement.

And he ended up in a house with a basement

full of water from my rock.

From your rock?

Yeah.

That rock was not only a conversation piece,

it turned out to be a natural drain pipe.

The first really heavy rain we had,

that water went down that rock, right into Jerry's basement.

But that's a builder's problem, Mr. Petrie.

If we ever find him, we're gonna make him correct it.

I hate to ask you this, but what is the $37.50 for?

All right.

You see, I felt badly about it that this thing was happening.

And we finally found out that all he had to do

was tar the outside of the foundation of his house

once a year, and the water couldn't get in.

And it came to $75.

Of which you pay him half.

That's right.

That's $300.

$300?

That's a lot of money.

I'll say it is.

I ought to be able to get a better

friend than Jerry for $300.

[music playing]

[theme music]