04x26 - Anthony Stone

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ANNOUNCER: The d*ck Van d*ke Show!

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Hi Rob.

Hi.

Oh, for me?

Well, is your name Sally?

Well, no, not necessarily.

Hey, you shouldn't do that.

Somebody has to do it.

You wouldn't.

Sally.

Aloha.

Always, Tony.

Hey, who's Tony?

I don't know.

Probably somebody she met on vacation.

You know, Jamaica's quite a romantic spot.

Yeah?

Boy, I was beginning to lose hope.

What are you going to wear to the wedding?

The wedding?

Yeah, guy is crazy nuts about her.

All you have or a clue is one orchid.

Oh no.

Aloha is Hawaiian, right?

So?

And they were in Jamaica?

Guy's so nuts about her, he didn't know where he was.

I hope you're right.

But let's wait and ask Sal.

Hi there.

[inaudible] returns.

Buddy!

And Rob!

Welcome back to civilization.

Oh, is that what this is?

Boy, you look great.

And we missed you.

I missed you guys too.

But I tell you something, I sure wish

I was back there missing you.

Boy, what a place.

Oh.

Meet any interesting people?

Oh, sure.

Wait until you see what I brought back.

Hey, I bet those Caribbean nights are pretty romantic,

huh?

So they tell me.

You got to take Pickles there sometime.

Maybe somebody will fall in love with her.

Sal, did you meet any Americans down there?

[inaudible] took me three days to find a native.

Are you kidding?

Find anybody special?

Why the third degree?

OK, OK.

Tony sent you an orchid.

Tony?

Oh.

Who's Tony?

What about the orchid?

Well, Tony's a fellow, and orchid's a flower.

I'll accept that.

But what kind fella is he?

I think I better go put this in the icebox, huh?

Hey.

What is that bit?

That was Sally changing the subject.

It was Sally ignoring the subject.

She's never been so secretive before.

Don't worry Rob.

I'll find out what's going on.

How?

Sally comes back in here, I'll just very casually say,

hey Sal, what's going on.

You didn't have to get us anything.

Sure she did.

Do you like the gifts?

I sure do.

And Laura is going to be pleased with this alligator bag.

That is beautiful. - I sure hope so.

Hey, we got a surprise for you too Sal.

Close your eyes. - OK.

What is it? Come on.

Come on now.

Surprise!

A 20 page rewrite.

Oh.

You ready?

Thanks a lot.

Yeah, I'm ready.

I'm ready to go back to that island without a plane.

Oh.

You must have had some great time.

Rob, it was fabulous.

Just fabulous.

Did you get to do any of those crazy native dances?

Sure, every night.

With who?

Crazy natives.

Dance with Tony?

Come on, Buddy.

If Sally is going to tell us who she danced with,

she'll tell us. That's all.

Gee, I sure hope Laura likes this bag.

She's not going to tell us!

OK.

So I danced.

All right, what does he look like?

What do you want me to say?

That he's rich, and he's handsome,

and he's crazy about me?

Come on, just tell us the truth.

I just did.

Really?

Really.

He's not in show business, is he?

No.

Just no?

Come on. What do you want?

An affidavit?

What do you say we get back to work on this, huh?

Come on.

Sal, we're just trying to find out what he does.

Why?

The hours are good, and it's not to heavy of work,

I might try it myself.

I tell you, never saw you two guys so curious.

You know, I bet actually the guy's impressed of meeting

a girl with genuine warmth, and wit,

and glamour, and natural charm.

Oh, he met somebody else besides Sally too?

Look, do you fellas mind finishing up the script for me?

I'd like to go freshen up, huh?

Got another big date with Tony what's his name tonight?

Yeah, date.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Hello-- oh, hi Tone!

Yeah.

OK.

OK.

Where are you now?

No, no, no.

No, you stay down there.

I'll be right down.

Yeah, OK.

I'll be back in a second.

OK.

Hey, who sh*t her out of a cannon?

Every time Tony's name is mentioned, she panics.

I wonder what that guy does for a living.

It's funny.

You know, she won't even let him come up here into the office.

Hey, maybe she's ashamed of us.

Oh, come on.

Well maybe she's ashamed of me.

ROB: Now really.

My wife is!

Hey.

You know, maybe he isn't tall and isn't handsome.

Could be he's short and dumpy like me?

Might not be a bad guy after all.

Well, enough speculation about that.

Let's talk about another 15 minutes and finish up.

And we'll give Sally a chance to get Tony out of the lobby.

This Sally Rogers' office?

Yes.

Yes.

She-- you must-- must be Tony.

Yes.

Is Sally here?

No.

No, as a matter, she-- oh, this is Buddy--

my mind's gone blank there.

Buddy Sorrell.

He forgets me.

I come in a couple of times a week to empty the garbage.

Somebody has to.

Well, uh--

Weren't you-- weren't you supposed to meet

Sally downstairs in the lobby?

I don't like waiting in the lobby.

Do you have a good time down there in the Caribbean?

I love the Caribbean.

Charming.

You meet such lovely people there.

Is this Sally's jacket?

Yeah, why?

Something for Sally.

Wow, what a pin.

A little surprise.

BUDDY: Surprise?

Boy, she'll drop her teeth when she's--

They're really her own teeth.

It's kind of-- where do you get batteries

for a thing like that?

Is that real?

What is real?

How do you manage to get a couple of weeks

off for a little vacation like that?

It isn't easy.

Yeah, I bet right at the height of the season.

Well, I mean, if you have any height to your season.

There are no seasons.

Business must be pretty good, huh?

Stead, steady.

Wow, that's wonderful.

What-- a lot of people can't say that.

I can.

Oh, Tony!

Sally, mon petit chou!

French.

And did you all meet one another.

Yeah, well just for a second there.

Yeah.

You have my jacket?

Let's go.

I'll see you tomorrow fellas.

Well, OK.

Very nice to meet you Tony.

Of course.

Of course?

Hey, I got a clue.

First tell me, what does that mean in French.

That my mapatit shoes?

Mapati-- no, not--

mon petit chou is just a French endearment.

It means my little cabbage. That's no clue.

Yes it is.

He's a French farmer.

Well he's not--

he's not short and dumpy.

Oh, you noticed that, huh?

Did you notice the way he dresses?

Yeah, very neat.

Yeah, you notice the big white carnation?

What does that mean to you?

Looked like a floor walker.

In a speakeasy!

Hey honey!

LAURA: Hi, Darling!

Hello there.

A present from a generous alligator.

Oh!

The alligator bag.

Oh, Rob, isn't it beautiful?

Don't you love it?

Well anything that helps rid the world of alligators,

I'm for it.

And I've got a pair of alligator shoes

that'll go with it perfectly.

You have?

Where?

Little shop on 34th Street.

I'm going to be in town tomorrow anyway.

I'm having lunch with Sally.

You talked to Sally today?

Yeah, for a second.

She say anything about her boyfriend?

Well, yeah.

She said that he was very handsome.

Well if you like that type.

Oh, did you meet him?

Yeah, he came in the office.

What's he like?

Oh, he's awful reserved.

Oh, boy.

He's rich.

How did you just get from reserved to rich?

Well because you can't afford to be

reserved unless you're rich.

Oh.

As a matter of fact, I think is.

He gave Sally a diamond pin today

that would knock your eye out.

Real diamonds?

I think so.

Wow, that sounds pretty serious.

Or dangerous.

Buddy thinks the guy's some kind of a shady character

or something.

You mean like an international jewel thief?

What, you think that's impossible?

Oh, really, Rob.

Where'd you ever get all these wild suspicions?

Well, from firsthand personal observation.

What did you observe?

Well his attitude.

I don't-- the guy's hiding something.

And he dresses better than me.

You don't like him, do you?

No, I don't like him.

But it's not because of the clothes either.

Aha.

What aha?

That's probably why Sally wasn't

too anxious to talk about him.

She's afraid you won't like him.

Well now what possible difference

could our opinion make?

Oh, plenty Rob.

You know how she feels about you and Buddy.

You're a family.

All right then.

You tell me what she's hiding.

Will you stop worrying about Sally?

She knows what she's doing, and by this time tomorrow,

you'll know too.

How?

Dear, I told you.

I'm having lunch with her tomorrow.

All right, suppose she doesn't tell you.

Rob.

Oh, yeah.

Cheese souffle here is just marvelous.

Real fluffy.

Sounds fine.

Oh, I didn't thank you for the bag.

Oh, I love it.

I kind of thought you'd like it.

I'm going to get some alligator shoes to match it.

You know, I was going to get you a bigger one,

but I think the smaller ones are coming back again.

Oh, definitely. Definitely.

Big ones are out.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Definitely.

Yeah, out.

Besides, it was a lot cheaper.

Yeah.

Gee, that's a lovely suit.

The suit?

LAURA: Is it silk?

No, it's one of those blends.

You know, cotton and anthr*x or something.

Well, whatever it is, it's just lovely.

The color, and the fabric, and the pin.

Gee, that's a lovely pin.

This pin?

Yeah, it's beautiful.

Oh, Laura, I never thought you were the type.

Oh, what time?

To fish for compliments.

Compliments?

This is the pin you and Rob gave me for Christmas.

But isn't that silly?

Oh, my.

Rob told you about the pin Tony gave me, huh?

Well, yeah.

He told me a little.

What did he say?

Well that it had stones in it.

No, I mean about Tony.

Well, he said he was quiet.

Is that all?

LAURA: Well, pretty much.

Laura, I've got to talk to somebody about Tony.

Oh my, the boys were right.

About what?

Well Sally, they're afraid you're

getting mixed up with somebody that you

don't know too much about.

No, that's not quite it.

Or that there's something you're not telling them.

That's it.

Laura, you're the only one I can tell.

But you got to take an oath.

Oh, I'm very good at oaths.

Taking them or keeping them?

Both. Both.

You'll tell no one?

I promise.

When you tell Rob, make him promise.

My oath would cover us both.

OK.

Brace yourself.

Rob and Buddy were sort of on the right track about Tony.

Not about us his being connected with the underworld?

Well, in a sense.

Oh no.

Yeah, he's a mortician.

A mortician?

Shh.

Yeah.

Mortician.

You mean he buries people?

Well I hope you don't keep them around the house.

Gee, I don't even know any morticians.

You know, before I went on vacation,

I used to say that all the time.

Well, wait a minute, Sally.

Look.

Aren't we being a little super-sensitive?

I mean, what's wrong with dating a mortician?

Well, did you ever date one?

Well, no.

Not that I know of.

Why not?

Well I guess I just never bumped into one.

But I still don't see what the problem is.

All right, all right.

Suppose-- and I'm supposing a lot--

now suppose he should ask me to marry him.

Would you marry a mortician?

Well, I guess so.

If I loved him.

All right.

Excuse me, I'm so nervous.

- I understand. - What do you--

what do you say if he comes home for work?

You say how are things downtown, dear, kind of peaceful?

Oh, Sally.

All right, let me put it this way.

Where do you take a mortician?

Well, any place you'd take a live per--

I--

Would he be welcome at your house?

Well of course he would.

He wouldn't try to sell us anything-- oh, I'm sorry.

See?

LAURA: What?

Another problem.

Which is?

The kidding.

Laura, look.

I have two kinds of friends.

Square ones and hip ones.

And when they find out what Tony does for a living,

the square ones are going to freeze

and the hip ones are going to be doing mortician jokes.

Oh, well people make jokes about everybody.

Surgeons, plumbers, farmers, astronauts.

Yeah, but I'm not going with those professions.

Well, Rob wouldn't make jokes.

Well, Rob's in a special kind of in-between category.

He'd be making them up, but he'd be too polite to tell them.

Are you really that concerned with what

your friends are going to say?

Oh, I don't know.

Sally?

How do you feel about him?

Is it serious?

Laura, at my age, when a fella asks you out

for the second time, it's serious.

Are you ready Madam?

I've been ready for years.

Sally back yet?

No, but I got something to show you.

Read that.

Anthony Stone Lexicon 2-1-5-9-8.

Who's Anthony-- is that Sally's Tony?

Sally's Tony.

Where'd you get that?

Well I looked on the orchid box, you know.

And I called up the flower shop, and they gave it to me.

- Did you call the number? - No.

Good.

I was waiting for you.

Hey, let's get one thing straight.

We have no right to pry into Sally's private business.

It's just not right.

Besides, Laura's pumping her right now.

Now look, suppose she don't tell Laura anything.

What are we waiting for?

I will wait.

Oh boy, you're chicken.

Buddy, why don't you just wait till we hear from Laura?

There's no need to interfere right now.

Who's interfering?

Oh.

Hello?

I don't suppose Mr. Stone is in now, is he?

Huh?

Personal?

Well, no, it's more like business.

Family?

Well, in a sense, yeah.

No, we're not grieved.

[inaudible] all I called about--

oh, this is not his office?

This is his home and his wife.

Thank you very much Mrs. Stone.

No, that was-- well-- my--

my-- my name is Robert--

No. Robert No.

Like the doctor.

No.

I'll call him back.

Thank you.

He's married.

Are we supposed to tell her now?

Maybe she knows.

Buddy, Sally wouldn't go out with a married man.

Maybe we don't know Sal as well as we think we do.

You know, love makes you do crazy things.

Made me get married.

Oh, we'd better decide what we're going to do.

She's going to be here in a few seconds.

All right, let's take a vote.

All right, you first.

I say we tell her.

So do I.

Well then there's no argument.

No question about it.

It's our duty.

She has got to be told.

But not now.

What not now?

Not now the Mets can't afford to lose another game.

Robert, you sure speak beautiful English.

How was that-- how's the lunch?

What did Laura say?

Oh, just the usual girl talk.

Why?

No, I don't-- just a curiosity.

Laura didn't just call you, did she?

Oh no. No.

No.

I was-- she-- I won't see her until 5:30.

She's picking me up at 5:30.

I won't see her until then.

About 5:30.

- Hi. - Oh, hi.

- Hi Honey. - Hi Laura.

Hey, let's lock up. She's here.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Marge said to come on in.

No, you the 5 o'clock. whistle.

Did you get the alligator shoes?

No, I got lizard.

Oh, Darling, what do you think?

I can't tell the difference.

Oh, those are lizard.

If they were alligator, they'd be that big.

If it's a good color match anyway.

I think I'll keep them.

Hey, look.

I don't want to break up a party, but--

Yeah. Yeah.

Me too.

I'd like to get going.

Another a big date tonight?

Yeah, still going strong.

OK.

Have a nice time. - OK thanks.

- Goodbye. - Good night.

- Good night. - Good night.

Wait until I tell you what I found out.

I found out too.

You did? How?

Sally told me.

Sally told you?

Well, of course, Darling.

Don't you remember?

That was the point of the whole luncheon.

You mean Sally knows?

Well, naturally.

Well, she doesn't care?

No, not too much.

I can't believe it.

Well see, what she's really afraid of is that people will

hit her about it, make jokes.

Jokes?

Honey, I don't see that that's anything to joke about.

Gee, Rob.

You must be one of her square friends.

Square?

Is that what you call it?

You call it square?

You're really making an awful lot out of nothing.

What?

Well Rob, Darling, just because she's dating

a mortician it's really--

A what?

I thought you said you found out.

He's a mortician too?

What do you mean too?

I mean he's a married man.

That's what I mean, too.

Oh, Rob.

No.

Oh yeah.

Well, that's terrible.

Well then Sally doesn't know.

Well of course not, Rob.

You don't think she'd--

I wouldn't think she would.

Rob, are you certain?

Honey, Buddy called to check back.

It's true.

Well then you haven't told her, huh?

Well, we were going to, but we just haven't got around to it.

Rob, somebody has to tell her.

The dictionary says somebody is

a person of unknown identity.

You don't mean that.

You mean me.

Well, Darling, you're better at that kind of thing

than anybody.

Well I hate a compliment in the middle of an argument.

Rob, are you going to tell her?

Well, I hate to be a meddler.

Darling, that's not meddling.

I mean, if she knew when you were trying to talk her out

of it, that would be meddling.

But when a girl is being deceived,

that's an entirely different thing.

Is that the way that works?

Rob, are you going to call her?

Well, she won't be home yet.

Well then later.

She's got a date tonight.

All right, tomorrow morning.

I hope Tony'll tell her the truth tonight.

Oh Rob, she'll die.

He can handle that too.

No, I'm sorry, she's still not here.

OK, goodbye.

Hi Rob.

The rat is still calling.

Well?

Sally's not back yet.

What are you going to tell her?

How about this?

Sally, Buddy, has something to tell you.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, maybe this would be better.

Oh, what a beautiful morning.

I wonder how much Mrs. Anthony Stone is enjoying it?

Ms. Rogers?

No, I'm not Ms. Rogers.

You got something for her?

Do you know her?

No, I'm a flower thief.

Buy yourself a greenhouse.

I'll try, I'll try.

Hey, look at the roses.

Yeah, big deal.

In his business, he probably gets them wholesale.

Listen.

How are we going to prepare her for the shock of this thing?

Well, we could write her a note and leave town.

Hi fellas.

Hi Sal.

Oh, congratulations.

You won first prize.

Come on, they're for you.

Roses?

Oh, isn't that nice?

Well, they just came.

Oh, that sweet man.

Isn't he a darling?

They might have been poisoned.

Or better still, maybe I should poison them

and send them back to the rat.

- She knows. - Knows?

Of course I know.

Gee, we're sorry Sal.

We just don't know how to tell you.

Oh, hold it. How could you tell.

You only met him for a second.

Well.

I guess it showed through that slick veneer, huh?

Showed through?

Rob.

I was so mad at him last night I could have strangled him.

Pull up to the restaurant, the parking attendant

takes the car, and he splashes the car through a puddle

and Count Anthony's white walls get dirty.

So?

So he grabbed this poor kid by the lapels,

I thought he was going to belt him.

Over dirty white walls?

What a temper.

Ivan the Terrible could take lessons from him.

I tell you Buddy, I've never seen anything like it.

He was-- he was a stormtrooper.

The doorman, the waiter, the busboy, the hat check girl, me.

No asking, no thank yous.

Just orders.

Get, bring, go, come, soft, load, Sieg Heil!

Seemed like such a quiet guy.

Sure.

All sleeping skunks are quiet.

Well I take it this all, it's over between you.

Oh, are you kidding?

I wouldn't be caught dead-- sorry

fellas, bad choice of words.

Well, should we tell her the big news?

Buddy.

What big news?

There's no big news.

Buddy?

The Mets lost another game.

Buddy, what's the rest of the news?

What am I, Walter Cronkite?

Sal, they're not important.

Rob, if it wasn't important, you'd tell me.

Well, not right now.

Right now.

Sal, rumor is that Anthony Stone is married.

Who'd you hear that?

From his wife.

He has a wife?

Pick up your phone.

You can check yourself.

How do you like that parlay?

A married n*zi.

You know, if he were a single run of the mill mortician,

I might have married him.

[phone ringing]

Hello? Who?

Oh.

One Ribbentrop.

Tell him to drop-- no, I'll do it.

Hello.

Oh, Hi Tone.

Yeah, how are you?

Uh-huh.

Tonight?

Oh, wonderful.

Wonderful.

Yeah, we'll have a marvelous time.

Sure.

Just bring a note from your wife.

Yeah, you heard me.

Your wife.

And listen Adolf, you know all those nice things

I said to you last night?

Well in spades and doubled.

You got your two minutes. - Where you going?

To have a good cry.

In to minutes?

For a rat like that, two minutes is plenty.

How about Alan brings a guest in?

Rat.

Never saw such a dirty rat in my whole life.

Who's a dirty rat?

Me or Rob?

Told him to take his pin back, but he refused.

He told me to keep it.

I should have kept it.

You didn't keep it?

I kept it.

- Well you just said-- - I know.

I didn't keep it.

I kept it to get rid of it.

You got rid of it?

I was going to get rid of it, but now I've got to keep it.

What in the world are you talking about?

I couldn't keep that pin, so I figured,

if I took it to the jewelers, and I traded it or sold it.

And I found out what it was worth.

Oh, I could k*ll that guy.

Oh, a phony, huh?

What phony?

That pin is worth $790 without tax.

Oh, I could k*ll him.

You could k*ll a guy for giving you an expensive pin?

Sure.

Why is it the first guy who ever gives me real diamonds

turns out to be a married n*zi.

Nobody's perfect.

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