04x27 - Never Bathe on Saturday

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

NARRATOR: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

Where do you want to go, the bedroom?

No, just let me off at the couch.

OK.

[sighs]

LAURA: Thank you.

Yeah, I'll get the rest of the bags.

Millie.

Laura, I saw your bags lining the driveway,

and so I wanted to act like a good neighbor.

You want them, don't you?

Oh, yeah, thanks.

I'll get the rest of them.

What are you doing up so late?

Never mind that.

What are you doing home so early.

You're not supposed to back till tomorrow night.

Well, let's just say things didn't work out too well.

Oh, you and Rob have a fight?

No, Millie, we didn't have a fight.

I'll start unpacking.

You did have a fight, didn't you?

No, we didn't.

We just look like we did.

Well, I don't get it.

You make all these arrangements to spend a romantic weekend

at a beautiful hotel--

Millie, I know what we planned.

Well did you at least see the show?

You didn't see the show.

Rob, lost the tickets, and you had a fight.

Rob didn't lose the tickets.

Well, then why'd you have a fight?

We didn't have a fight.

And we didn't see the show, and we

didn't have a beautiful dinner served in our beautiful suite.

Well, what did you do?

Well, Rob spent most of his time running around the room,

talking on the telephone.

She spent most of her time sitting in the bathtub.

In a bathtub?

In the bathtub.

Well, is it something you can't tell me?

No, as a matter of fact, it's something

that most people would probably find very amusing.

I suppose I will too someday.

Some months when the throbbing stops.

What's throbbing?

Something throbbing? What is it?

What is it?

Well, the whole thing is so stupid.

Well, OK, I promise not to laugh.

Oh, you can laugh if you want to.

Come on, you and Rob went down to the hotel.

Well, we drove down to the hotel, and we checked in.

And oh, Millie, I was so pleased.

That suite was so beautiful.

Everything was just going to be so lovely.

Oh, Rob, isn't it beautiful?

Oh, it's all right.

I'll hang this one in the closet for you, sir.

Thank you.

Darling, don't you like this place?

Well, it's all right.

I would have preferred something a little more

elegant and expensive.

More expensive?

We'd have to postpone Ritchie's orthodontia.

Yeah, who cares?

You don't care that your son's back teeth don't mesh?

Let him eat soup.

Give me a kiss, baby.

Darling, what about the bellboy?

You first.

If you want the air conditioning on,

this is the control.

Oh, that's the control.

That's wonderful.

Oh, there you are.

Thank you, sir.

And congratulations.

Thank you.

And thank you, darling.

For what?

For making our second honeymoon look like our first.

I didn't do that, you did.

Me?

Yeah.

That infernal youth of yours.

You get younger every year.

Thank you.

Isn't this a spiffy place?

Oh, boy.

You feel that carpeting?

It's so soft.

Oh, darling, this is so much fun.

How come we never did this before?

Because we never could afford it before.

That's why.

So just stick with me, baby we're going to make

your parents eat their words.

What words were those?

"Rob Petrie's a bum.

He's never going to amount to anything."

Oh.

When did they say that?

Last night.

They're absolutely right, but we haven't

seen my parents for a month.

Well, I dreamt it.

Is that the dream you said you couldn't tell me about?

No, that's the one I could.

Here, unpack.

Well, don't you want to hear the cast of my other dream?

Not interested.

Wow-wee!

Where did you get that?

The hardware store.

Boy, honey, do you know where to shop.

Hey, how about this plan?

I call down, I get hors d'oeuvres and champagne.

We have that now, and save dinner for after the show.

That would depend on the hors d'oeuvres.

Pate and wine, caviar champagne, cornflakes

and bananas, you name it.

Caviar and champagne.

You got it.

Show your folks what kind of bum I am.

Hello, room service?

Hello, there.

I'd like an order for two, please.

One soft boiled egg for two, half order a buttered toast.

And look, you charge for marmalade?

Well, then forget that.

I don't get marmalade?

Then I'm leaving. - Hello?

Hi, there.

Hey, this suite 17C.

I'd like room service.

Yes.

I'd like an order for two, please.

Some hors d'oeuvres, some caviar,

and a good bottle of champagne.

January, 1965, very good.

Oh, and one rose.

Thank you.

LAURA: Oh, Rob.

Did you want a rose too?

LAURA: No, darling, I'll share yours.

Gee, you know, even a soft boiled egg would

taste elegant in this place.

Oh, now you tell me.

They got some neat places in this room.

You know, darling, sometimes--

sometimes I'm glad I married you.

What about the other times?

I suffer.

You know what I'd like to do?

Soak in a hot tub.

How'd you know?

Well, you said it in the car about 10 times on our way down.

Do I have enough time before the show?

Oh, you got time to get your toes pruny.

Good.

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

OK.

Don't get lonely.

I'll go ahead and start unpacking.

Hey, honey, how shall I dress for the champagne hour?

Oh, David Niven-ish.

You know, smoking jacket, ascot.

Oh, and see if you can grow a mustache.

Gotcha.

Marvelous.

[whistles]

Hello, there.

Hi, I didn't-- I didn't hear you come in.

I brought the towels for you.

Oh, good, you brought the towels.

Thank you.

I'll just put them in the bathroom.

Wait a minutes, my wife's mustache-- bathing in there.

Put them on the--

thank you.

You need a little more on this side.

Thank you.

[vocalizes]

All right, lady.

This is it.

Just because you happen to be a married woman

and I'm your husband with a very jazzy mustache,

there's no reason for--

I've got some fruit for you, compliments of the manager.

Oh, fine.

Just put them on the table there, will you?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Here you are.

You are Mr. Petri, aren't you?

Well, yeah of course.

That's right.

You didn't have a mustache when I brought you up here.

Well, yeah, of course I had a mustache when I--

Oh, no, sir.

You know, I'm studying to be a house detective,

and I remember things like mustaches, and beards,

and false teeth, scars, moles.

I don't remember that mustache.

Well, then you better keep studying, huh?

You painted it on.

Well, yeah.

Why sure, he painted it on.

I knew I wasn't crazy.

LAURA: Rob?

Yes, your loveliness.

LAURA: Can you come in here for a minute?

Your wish is my command, sweetheart.

Don't toy with me, you saucy wench.

LAURA: Darling, can't you open the door?

It's locked, honey.

If you want me, you'll have to get out of the tub.

LAURA: I can't.

Why can't you?

LAURA: Because I'm stuck.

Stuck?

How can you be stuck in a bathtub?

Well, darling, if you'll come in, I'll show you.

LAURA: Call somebody.

Well, yeah, honey.

I will.

How can you be stuck in a bathtub?

Is it that narrow?

LAURA: Rob, I'm not stuck.

My foot is.

Now how can your foot be stuck, honey?

LAURA: Rob, I'm very uncomfortable.

Well, all right, honey.

Just take it easy.

I'm going to call somebody.

Hello?

Hello, listen who would I talk to to unlock a bathroom door?

Well, will you connect me, please?

LAURA: What time is it?

25 minutes to eight.

Hello?

Yes, it is.

25 minutes of eight.

You're welcome.

This is suite 17C.

Look, you send up a key to unlock a bathroom?

What?

No, my wife locked herself in there.

No, not against me.

It was an accident.

And she can't-- no, she can't because she's stuck in a tub.

I am not sure.

I-- would you just send somebody up here?

Thank you very much.

Honey, the housekeeper's going to send

a maid up here with a key.

How do you feel?

LAURA: Wet and stupid.

Honey, what is your foot stuck in?

LAURA: The faucet.

The faucet?

LAURA: You know, the little pipe that the water comes out of.

Well, that's not-- that's not the faucet, honey.

LAURA: Rob, I don't care what you call it.

My big toe is stuck.

Well, how did you do it?

LAURA: I was playing with a grip.

What?

Does it hurt?

LAURA: Only when I think of how it may ruin our whole evening.

Oh, honey, don't think about that.

You're not going to ruin it.

[knock at door]

Oh, the maid's here with a key.

Come in.

Good evening, sir.

Your champagne and caviar.

Yeah, I forgot about that.

LAURA: Tell her we need some towels.

It's not the maid, honey.

It's the champagne.

Shall I open it for you now, sir?

I don't know.

You better-- honey, we won't have time.

LAURA: What?

Nothing.

Just leave it, and I'll--

oh, yeah.

Sign that there.

Oh, I forgot.

What is that 15%?

There we go.

Thank you, sir.

LAURA: Rob, please hurry.

I'm starting to look like a prune.

Did she say she wanted prunes?

No, no.

LAURA: Is that the maid?

No, honey, that was just the waiter.

LAURA: Well, where's the stupid maid with a key?

She's right here, honey.

Stupid maid, huh?

Well, we had a stupid maid once.

Doesn't seem to work.

Darn!

LAURA: What is it?

Well, the key doesn't work, honey.

May I?

Yeah, I don't think that's the right key.

It's the right key.

Apparently it isn't.

Yeah, it has to be.

LAURA: Rob, what's the matter?

Well, we got the wrong key.

It's the right key.

Now, dearie, would you try jiggling the door knob?

LAURA: I can't reach the door knob.

Why not?

She's stuck.

May I, please?

Look, why can't your wife open the door from the other side?

Because she's stuck in the tub.

She calls me stupid.

How could she do that?

What difference does it make?

She did it, and we have to get her out.

Look, are you sure that's the only key?

That's it, ace.

What am I supposed to do, bust the door down?

Well, if you do, they're going to charge you for it.

I'm going to call the engineer.

You keep jiggling that key.

Hello?

Listen, may I have the engineer, please?

LAURA: Maybe you've got the key in upside down, darling.

I know how to use a key, dearie.

LAURA: Sorry.

This is suite 17C.

Engineer?

Could you come up here, and see if you could open

a locked bathroom door for us?

No, no, the housekeeper sent up a maid with the wrong key.

It's the right key.

It's your door.

It's not my door.

Well, when you bust it down it will be.

Well, I got beds to turn down.

Just a minute.

Turn them down, I've got the engineer now.

Hello.

Boy, she gets stuck in the bathroom.

He paints on mustaches.

They're a great match.

Well, wait, wait.

How soon can you get up here?

What?

Yeah, well, I'll just bet you my emergency's a little bigger

than your emergency.

I got a lady stuck in a bathtub.

What do you got?

Oh, yeah.

I see.

Well, look if somebody doesn't come up here very shortly,

I'm going to bust down the door.

They'll charge you for it.

So let them!

Honey, I just spoke to the engineer.

LAURA: And?

Well, he's got a more urgent emergency than having

a toe stuck in a thing.

LAURA: What's he got?

People stuck in an elevator.

Honey, how do you feel?

LAURA: Waterlogged.

Well, why don't you let the water out of the tub?

LAURA: It's too chilly in here.

Well, can't you to put your robe on?

No.

Can't reach it.

Well, how about draping some towels around you?

What towels?

Laura, I'm going to bust down the door.

LAURA: Oh, Rob, isn't that kind of drastic?

You want to get out, don't you?

LAURA But not at the expense of a broken husband.

I'm not going to break myself.

LAURA: But it's a very heavy door.

I know, but that doesn't make any difference,

honey, if you hit it right.

LAURA: But, Rob, you'll hurt yourself.

No, no, honey.

No way to hurt myself.

There's a technique to these things.

I wish I knew what it was.

Well, so did you finally get the door open?

Millie.

Oh, of course he did.

You wouldn't be sitting there if he didn't.

Right.

Well, how did you do it?

Did you break it down, like in the movies?

Dramatic?

It was more dramatic than that.

What did you do?

Did you sh**t the lock off with a g*n?

Did you tell her?

You're kidding.

No, he's not.

You sh*t the lock off?

That's just what I did.

Well, did they charge you?

I mean, how did you do that?

Well, the engineer didn't come,

and I figured that Laura had soaked

in that tub about long enough.

All right, honey, brace yourself.

I'm coming through.

LAURA: Rob, be careful.

I'll be all right, honey.

Here I come.

LAURA: Don't, Rob!

What? What?

LAURA: Don't break it down.

Did you get your toe out?

LAURA: No, but there's a full length mirror

on this side of the door.

So?

So, Rob, if you ram the door open,

it'll smash right against the heavy brass metal rack

and it'll fly all over the place.

Honey, is there a bathmat next to the tub?

LAURA: Yeah, a small one.

Why?

Well, take it, and put it over and cover as much of you

as you can, and duck down.

LAURA: But I'll drown.

Not that far down.

LAURA: Oh, Rob, I'm afraid.

Don't be, honey.

Now we're going to get to the theater

in time for the overture.

Are you ready?

LAURA: No, but go ahead, and please be careful.

I will.

You got your bathmat on?

LAURA: OK.

[thunk]

LAURA: Did you hit it yet?

It was just a practice sh*t, honey, I'll--

all right, honey, this time I'm going to give it

a real sh*t if you're covered.

LAURA: Covered.

OK.

[thunk]

I think I felt something give that time.

Right there.

I think-- one more time's going to do it.

Honey, you covered?

LAURA: Covered.

OK.

[thunk]

[glass shatters]

Honey, hey are you all right?

Yes I'm all right, Rob.

I'm fine.

What happened in there?

LAURA: You jarred the mirror off the door.

Did it break?

I mean, did it fall in the tub?

LAURA: No, I don't think so.

No, no, it's all on the floor.

OK, then I'm going to give it another try.

LAURA: Oh.

You ready?

LAURA: Rob!

Wait!

What is it this time?

LAURA: Darling, if you break it down,

you're liable to fly through and fall on the broken glass,

and cut yourself.

I'll take my chances.

I'm coming in.

LAURA: No. Rob, don't.

No.

Now don't scream.

Nobody's going to get hurt.

LAURA: Please, don't.

Stop screaming.

I'm coming in.

LAURA: Oh, oh, Rob.

Take one more step and you're dead.

Me?

Who are you?

- The house detective. - See?

There's the phony mustache. He's a nut.

Hey now wait just a minute, mister.

Get away from that door or I'll blow you up.

And he's not kidding.

LAURA: What's going on?

It's all right, madam.

Everything's under control.

Just don't come out for a minute or two.

She can't come out.

What have you done to her?

I tied her up.

You'll regret that.

Oh, you--

LAURA: What's going on out there?

Craziness.

All right, craziness, lie down on the floor.

What?

You heard him.

Watch it.

Everything's all right, madam.

We've got him under control.

Watch him, Bruce. - I got you.

LAURA: Rob! - I'm a writer.

- You stuff that in his mouth. - Right.

When I call my office-- - All right, open.

Open.

Ow!

He bit me.

Stop biting.

LAURA: What's going on?

Where are you in the room?

LAURA: I'm in the bathtub.

Good thinking.

Now look here.

I'm going to blow the lock off, if he didn't tie your hands,

hold your ears.

One, two.

Give me that g*n.

Hmm?

Move, move.

Give me--

Back, back.

Give him the g*n.

Now only a husband can go to lock up

a bathroom with his wife in a bathtub with nothing on

and her toe stuck in a pipe.

Now call me a prude if you like.

[g*nsh*t]

Uh-- you-- you stay right there.

Don't make a move.

Honey, you all right?

LAURA: Oh, Rob.

ROB: I'm sorry, you look so funny.

LAURA: Well, gee!

Do you guys want to see something ridiculous?

Wait a minute.

[music playing]

ENGINEER: Yeah, let me have the foot.

It's stuck.

Other one.

LAURA: What are you doing?

I'm measuring it.

What for?

Now tell me is that toe similar to the one

that's stuck in the pipe?

Well, of course it is.

Why?

Wouldn't want to nip off any of this little piggy.

That's the one that went to market.

Look, can you snap it up a little?

We'd like to see some of that show.

Here we are.

Have you off in no time.

Is there any particular reason you're sawing so slowly?

The best one.

I'm 75 years old.

[music playing]

I've never felt so silly in my whole life.

I know.

Neither did I. This stupid mustache.

Honey, don't ever buy any of that indelible eyebrow pencil

again.

Why do you plan to continue penciling on mustaches?

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Look, now how can we get that stupid thing off her toe?

A jeweler's saw.

Oh, well, do you have one?

Oh, I got all kinds of little things

in this little old toolbox.

- Oh, wonderful. - Yeah.

Wish I had one of those.

Rob, we're going to have to miss the play.

Well, honey, you can't go clomping around

a theater with that chromium faucet

or whatever it is on your foot.

But we'll never get tickets to this show again.

Oh, Rob, let's try to salvage a part of the weekend.

Well, honey, you mean you want to go to the theater

with that thing on your foot?

Well, look, I could bandage it up,

and people would just think I had a sprained ankle.

Well, I'm game if you are.

Well, sure.

We can go to the hospital after the show.

Well, can you stand that thing on your toe

for another three hours?

Oh, easy.

It's almost become a part of me.

I walked out of the hotel with a bandage that big.

I looked like I had gout.

Well, now wait a minute.

I don't understand.

Now, you're telling me you went to the show,

and before you said you didn't.

We didn't go to the show.

Yeah, but you just said--

We went to the theater, but we were

just too embarrassed to go in.

Well, why?

Well, we got into the lobby.

It was just before curtain time, and who

do we almost run into but a theater party from our church.

Minister and all.

Charles Brown.

And half the flock.

It was just too embarrassing so we went right to the hospital.

Well you could have explained the bandage.

I know.

Well, then why didn't you go in?

Because Rob didn't think he could explain his mustache.

You mean, you still had it on?

He didn't use my eyebrow pencil.

It was a laundry marker.

I tried soap, cold cream, benzene, alcohol.

Well, how did you finally get it off?

I didn't get it off.

Well, it's not there.

I put makeup over it.

I don't think of makeup till I got back to the hotel.

You know who you look like?

David Niven?

MILLIE: Ben Turpin.

Ben Turpin.

[music playing]

[theme music]