05x03 - Uhny Uftz

[bunniefuu]

[music playing]

MAN: The d*ck Van d*ke Show.

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

What time is it?

(YAWNING) Oh, 3 o'clock.

I don't care what time.

[yawning]

Oh, we better get home.

We can't work, we can't even talk.

We've got to work.

What are you doing Rob?

I figure if all the blood rushes to my head I'll wake up.

This time of the morning the blood don't rush, it creeps.

Hey Rob, you need heels.

What's he doing?

He was walking on the ceiling and he fell off.

Well Rob, I'm going home.

Do you mind locking up?

Oh, how do you like that?

This morning we were writers, now we're janitors.

No, actually we're neither one.

We're vampires.

We write sketches by night, and when the sun comes up they die.

We're going to have to come up with something that Al won't

drive a stake through though.

Oh, I have a feeling you're not really trying, Rob.

Not really trying?

Buddy, give it to him.

Mel, you're very bald.

I guess I'm just too tired to think of a good one.

Exhaustion becomes you.

There's a half a pot of coffee in my office if you want it.

Oh, thank you.

Our pot d*ed about an hour ago.

Good night.

You mean good morning, don't you?

All right fellas, come on let's go to work.

I'd like to go home while I'm still young.

Come on now, everybody concentrate, think.

Hey, are we the only ones alone in this big building?

Yeah, I guess so.

Gee, no wonder I feel kind of spooky.

All right buddy, cut it out with the spooky jazz.

Yeah, just us and this great big empty building.

Kind of like being the last living

cells in a dead body, ey?

Thanks a lot bars.

That's all I needed.

I think we're all just a little bit punchy.

Hey, maybe some of Mel's coffee will help.

Come on, buddy, help me get the cups.

All right, but you stick with me.

I like company when I'm wandering

around a dead building.

Bring me some, will you?

[creepy music]

Ow!

I'm too tired to hurt.

Oh.

Unios.

Unios

What did you say?

Unios.

Unios.

Buddy, Sally, it's a little late at night for playing games

if you don't mind. - Unios.

Unios.

Unios.

Unios.

Unios.

Unios.

Unios.

Unios.

Unios.

Oh!

Whoa!

Hey!

What's the matter Rob?

What happened?

Hey quick, look out the window!

What, do you want us to jump?

No, look up in the sky!

- Where? - So?

So?

Is that all you're going to say?

It's gone.

What's gone?

What?

The flying saucer's gone.

[suspenseful music]

I am not kidding.

I saw a flying saucer.

Rob, I don't want to hear about it.

I don't want to talk about it, OK?

I know it sounds a little bit crazy.

Well, that's an improvement.

Hey, he's serious.

Oh boy, you bet your life I'm--

I was standing at this window, to talked to me.

Rob-- Rob look, I don't care what you said,

I don't care what it said.

Just leave me alone.

- What'd it say? - Well, I don't--

It mumbled.

It mumbled, huh?

All the flying saucers in the world,

he has to get one with a speech impediment.

Like I told you guys, I saw a flying saucer out there.

It had lightning bolts on it and everything.

Sure, what kind of lightning bolts?

You know, like Brick Bradford used to have on his shirt.

Who's Brick Bradford?

That guy in the comic books, you know.

Hey boy, you sure you didn't see Brick too?

You don't believe me, do you?

Rob, look we're all tired.

Now look, you fell asleep and you just dreamed it.

Come on, have some coffee.

I tell you, I wasn't asleep.

I dozed off there, but the talking woke me up.

Again with the talking?

Come on, what'd they say?

Well, I don't know.

I'm not sure.

But, I swear to you it talk.

It said unios Sounded like Sonny Tufts.

Sonny Tufts?

Rob, you didn't see a flying saucer.

Why?

Well, because you'd think if any one of those things

landed here on Earth that the first person they'd ask to see

would be Sonny Tufts?

I already checked the paper Darling.

There's no mention of your flying saucer.

Yeah, well maybe this addition came

out before I made the sighting.

You mean before you think you made the sighting.

How about the radio?

I checked the radio, the newspaper,

and the sky and your saucer's in none of them.

How do we know there isn't intelligent life

on some other planet?

I mean, even if it is only moss.

Darling, moss couldn't possibly

have built a spaceship with Brick Bradford's insignia

and Sonny Tuft's voice.

You know, I don't care.

I don't mean the kind of moss we have around here anyway.

I mean highly intelligent moss could

have built almost anything.

Oh, darling.

There are so many explanations that you just refuse to accept.

You could have been asleep and dreaming,

which is what I think.

Or you could have seen a blimp with an advertisement on it,

a sign, a bird.

Even a child's toy.

A child's toy hovering over Manhattan at 3 o'clock

in the morning I suppose.

Well, it could have been a low star too for that matter.

People are always mistaking those things

for flying saucers.

Honey, I have read all the factual information

there is about flying saucers.

This falls into none of those categories.

This is new, and this is different.

I want to do it.

Do what?

I will report it to the National Space Bureau.

Oh, no.

What's their number?

I still say you were dreaming.

I have got to report it.

Dreams you report to a psychiatrist.

Hello, yes.

Do you have a number for the National Space Bureau?

Washington?

Well listen, don't you have anything cheap-- uh, closer?

No, no that is fine.

That will do very good.

Thank you.

They've got a radar tracking station right out

on Long Island.

I'm going to let them do all the talking.

Well Darling, how can you make a report

if they do all the talking?

Yeah.

Just try not to sound like some kind of a nut.

Hello there.

Yes ma'am, ma'am, I'm a private citizen here in the United

States and I want you to understand

that I'm not the kind of person who makes

these kind of phone calls.

So, I don't want you to think that I am that kind of person.

I hate that kind of person you see.

Ma'am, is there a scientist there?

Maybe I could talk to someone.

Oh, I see.

Well, is there a man scientist I could--

No, I see.

Well, ma'am I would like to report

something I sighted over Manhattan about 3

o'clock this morning.

Did anybody else see that?

Uh, well for lack of a better description of it

I'll have to refer to it as a flying saucer.

Hello?

No one-- No one else reported that?

Well, of course it's a little bit early yet ma'am.

No, no.

Well, thank you very much.

I'm very sorry to have troubled you.

My name?

Uh, you could just-- just say that I'm a Patriot.

Thank you.

All right, you can say I told you so.

But, she knew exactly what I was talking about.

She was afraid to say anything because there

was somebody listening in.

Who?

I don't know who, but I know darn well I heard

more than one person laughing.

[music playing]

Hey Phil.

Oh, hi Rob.

Boy, am I glad to see you here so I can impose on you.

Any time Rob.

You want to sit down here?

Yeah.

Or would you like me to lie down?

Just sit.

I'm sorry, you're the only psychiatrist I commute with.

What's on your mind Rob?

Well, nothing really Phil.

Except I have been working awfully hard lately.

Oh, I can tell that.

You can?

Oh sure, the show is better than ever.

Oh, well thank you.

Especially last week when Alan played a talking radish.

Hey Rob, was that yours?

Well, as a matter of fact that particular idea was mine.

I knew it.

I told Marge, only Rob Petrie could come

up with a crazy idea like that.

Oh?

Rob, I don't know how you do it.

You've got the wildest imagination.

Boy, I sure have Phil.

Listen, that might be what I want to talk to you about Phil.

What do you think of a guy who sees a flying saucer?

That could be funny.

But, they're the talking radish, Rob.

That's not exactly what I meant.

What I meant--

What I'm trying to say is, I really saw a flying saucer.

You did?

Yeah.

What do you think, am I crazy?

Who's to say what's crazy?

Can't you?

I mean, everybody I've told about it--

Rob, you want to tell me all about it?

Well, look I don't want to pay for it.

Oh, don't be crazy.

Well.

Last night we were all working very, very late.

I looked out the window, I saw a flying

saucer with a Brick Bradford insignia on it and everything.

Buddy and Sally were all getting coffee.

They told me that I was sound asleep.

And I know that I know a blimp or something

like that when I see one.

Now, am I crazy?

You were working late?

Yeah.

Well Rob, I don't think it's anything to be alarmed

about under the circumstances.

It's just not that unusual.

Why is it I'm the only one it's unusual to?

Because I'm the only one who saw it, that's right.

Now look, Rob you were tired.

It's possible that you were asleep and just dreamed

you saw this flying saucer.

No, no I was awake.

I was standing up and pacing.

I wasn't asleep.

When you're very, very fatigued

it's possible for the mind to go to a sleep for,

oh, just a split second.

Then you can dream and you're not even aware

that you've been asleep.

My eyes were open.

You thought they were open.

That's how accidents happen on the road.

You mean like, you think you see a city out on a desert,

huh?

Yeah, yeah that's right.

You mean, the whole thing could have been a mirage?

How about that.

Yeah, something like that.

So, I'm not necessarily crazy?

No, not necessary.

Yeah.

Rob, I tell you what I think it is.

I think you're just tired.

Now, if you take my advice, you'll stay

home today and get some sleep.

I can't.

We're working late again tonight.

Well, how long are you going to keep this up?

Well, tonight's the last night anyway.

Well, I'm glad you explained it to me.

At least if I see the darn thing again I'll know what it is.

Rob, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll give you something here.

I'll lend it to you.

Oh, this will keep you awake.

Those things safe?

Yeah, take one.

I think they're safe, they should be.

I bought them at the checkout stand at the supermarket.

They're Nervy Dervies.

Oh, Nervy Dervies.

Yeah, that'll keep you up.

Well, at least it's better than a flying saucer any day.

Phil, I can't thank you enough for this.

That's nothing.

Just get me a couple of tickets for the show.

- You've got them. - I'll see you on the train.

OK.

Young man, excuse me.

Yes.

Did you see the flying saucer this morning?

Well, yeah.

I'm awfully glad to hear that.

I thought I was going crazy!

- Did you see it too? - Yes.

Where?

In my celestial chart.

Let me see your palm.

Oh, he is right.

You couldn't possibly have seen a flying saucer.

Why not?

Your skyline is much too small.

[music playing]

And my mouth is much too big.

Now, if we just type up those last two pages, we can go home.

Aw, can't we do that tomorrow?

We ought to be in tonight.

Look.

I've got my Nervy Dervy.

Why don't I stay here and do it, huh?

You sure you don't mind?

It'll only take a minute.

You don't mind being all alone here?

I told you, I'm not sleepy so I'm not going

to see any more flying saucers.

Good.

And if any of them show up and say anything you, ignore them.

Rob, you sure you don't want one of us

to stay and keep you company?

I'm not afraid of the dark.

Don't worry about me.

OK.

I'll see you guys in the morning, OK?

[screaming]

I didn't expect that from you Rob.

I'm sorry Mel, I didn't expect you.

Well, I hope the script is ready.

It'll be ready in a few minutes.

Now good.

Well drop it in the outgoing pick up box.

I'd like to drop you in the outgoing pick up box.

Yuck.

Oh, go ahead and yuck.

Don't be lonely now.

I won't.

Don't fall asleep.

OK.

Ow.

[bubbles]

Ah, it is kind of lonely in here.

Kind of like being the last living cell in a dead--

Why did I think of that?

At least I've got time to concentrate.

[creaking]

Time to concentrate on noises that are going to scare me.

Where's the script?

How'd it get over there?

I could have sworn it was over here.

[ding]

This building is so empty, why do I have

the feeling I'm being watched?

[bubbles]

You wouldn't do that if anyone else were around, would you?

[phone ringing]

Loud at night.

That's better.

Hello? - Rob?

ROB (ON PHONE): Oh, hi honey.

- You sound a little strange. - No, I'm fine.

LAURA (ON PHONE): Oh, well I just called to find

out when you'll be home.

Well, I'm about just as quick as I can honey.

It's no fun being that last living cell in a dead building.

Rob, are you sure you're all right?

I'm positive.

You're not tired?

No, I'm fine.

I took a Nervy Dervy.

- A what? - Well.

It's a patent-- pet--

Pill Phil gill me.

Gave me.

Unios.

Honey, did you just say unios?

Oh no, not again.

No, no it must have been the water cooler burping again.

Honey, I'll be home in about an hour if I can, OK?

All right, bye.

Unios.

I didn't hear that.

Unios.

I didn't hear that either.

Unios.

I heard that.

Unios.

OK, I'm wide awake.

Unios.

I'm not asleep.

Unios.

I'm too wide awake.

Unios.

Unios.

Unios.

Unios.

Unios.

Unios.

There.

Unios.

I'm glad it's not there.

They might think I'm signaling.

Hey Rob.

[screaming]

Don't do that.

You scared me to death.

What are you snooping around in here for?

I always sneak around an empty building.

You think I want somebody to hear me?

You son of a g*n.

You uniosed me.

Rob, I've done a lot of rotten things

in my life I never uniosed anybody.

You didn't unios me?

No, I just came back here for my purse.

Your purse?

Yeah, the one I bought for pickles for her birthday.

Boy, you must have been dreaming.

I must have been asleep.

Seemed so real.

Unios.

Boy, you dream real good.

Did you hear it?

Yeah.

Unios.

I wonder where it's coming from.

Unios.

Unios.

Unios.

Unios.

It's coming put of that ventilator.

Unios.

It's got to be a dream.

How could a flying saucer get in a ventilator?

Unios.

I heard it too.

How do I know I'm not dreaming you?

I had to go back for the purse.

If it's not a dream, it's coming from one

of those floors upstairs. - Unios.

- I want to find out which one. - Whoa, wait a minute.

How come all the sudden you got so brave?

Look, if I'm dreaming I can't get hurt.

Yeah, but does that include guest stars too?

You don't have to go.

Unios.

Well, I ain't staying here with your flying unios.

Unios.

Not in the men's room.

Unios.

Unios.

Not in the ladies room.

Jeez, they've got one of our creatures.

Unios.

It's in there.

Rob, how many people in your dream?

Just us.

Well, then it ain't no dream.

What are you doing?

Oh.

Oh, you're a human.

Well I'm sure glad of that.

What?

Shh.

We get let it hear us.

Who are you, and why are you spying at doors?

We're writers.

We were downstairs working late.

Yeah, and if he ain't still sleeping,

there's a flying saucer renting this office.

Come on young man.

Unios.

Hear that?

That's the saucer talking.

Perhaps it was the wind.

Well, I guess that wraps that up.

Let's go home. - Come on Buddy.

You know it's not the wind.

- The rain? - I'm going to call the police.

Good idea, come on to my house.

We'll call from there.

Just a moment gentlemen.

Do you really believe this?

If we don't, we're wasting a lot of good fear.

You want to phone the police?

You bet I do.

The least I can do is join my friends and say I'm crazy.

Perhaps you should investigate.

Hey, I think he's nuttier than you are.

Will you come please into my office?

That's your office?

- Yes. - Hey, I think we'd better go.

Please. Come in.

Well, OK. Go ahead.

Please.

Go ahead.

Hey, this looks like some kind of a laboratory.

Yeah, "Franken-steen's."

"Stein."

It's all right Hugo.

They are friends of ours.

Yeah, we're friends of his.

They know about the saucer.

There is a saucer.

Hey, you tricked us.

You don't know how upsetting it is for Hugo and me

that you have uncovered us.

Consider yourself recovered.

Come on Rob, let's go.

I beg you to stay a moment longer.

Please don't beg, I hate to see a man beg.

Beg?

What for?

You have to give me your word of honor

that you won't tell what you are about to see.

I think we've seen enough.

There is a saucer.

But, not from outer space.

It's ours.

You mean it belongs to us?

No, just to Hugo and me.

We made it.

Here in this building?

Yeah, there are too many spies around here.

So, we had to work undercover.

But now that you know about it, you're

threatening our security.

I never threatened anybody's anything.

Then you won't say anything?

No, nothing.

Wait a minute, I'm not going to promise anything.

I'll promise everything.

I'll keep quiet forever.

Not forever.

Just until Christmas.

Christmas?

Yeah, then we are going unveil the saucer.

It will take the world by storm.

Just you and Hugo, huh?

Yeah.

It's will make us the ruler of the toy world.

Toy world?

Yeah.

You guys are toys?

Hey, Laura was right.

The thing I saw was just a toy.

Not just a toy.

It's the ultimate toy.

Here, look.

That's my saucer!

It flies.

It zooms around.

Its hovers.

Hovers.

Yeah, it does that too.

And it talks.

It says unios, doesn't it?

What does that mean?

It means that we have failed.

We blew it.

It was supposed to say Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas?

Yeah, but I just can't seem to lick it.

That's some toy.

Please, help us.

Three years of my life on that saucer.

And a year and a half of mine.

Yeah.

Without Merry Christmas.

Well, I'll tell you, you can count on us.

With one condition.

Ach!

[german] I should have known that.

How much?

Well, I'd say about five minutes.

I want to make it zoom around the room once.

That's wonderful.

Here, please.

But please, don't make it talk.

It upsets me.

Oh.

[music playing]

Hey come on, give me that.

You've had it for long enough.

Now push the voice button.

I've improved the Merry Christmas.

You improved it?

Yeah.

Push the button.

Ho, ho, ho.

Merry unios.

[music playing]