05x09 - Viva Petrie

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: The d*ck Van d*ke Show.

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

That's how it was.

I said look here Brady, you laugh hungry ham.

Just do the lines.

We'll tell you when they're funny or not.

Hi, Rob.

You said that to our boss?

Yeah.

Then the darn alarm rang and woke me up.

Oh, bad dream.

No, it's a good dream.

I loved every minute of it.

Hey Rob, there's a message for you there.

Oh, thanks.

It just says somebody called.

Well, I--

I couldn't understand her.

Her?

Yeah.

She had a high voice.

Maybe it was Dennis Day.

SALLY: No.

I think she said she was senorita something.

I don't know.

Senorita, was she Spanish?

Spanish, Lithuanian, something like that.

Maybe it was Dennis Day singing Granada.

Could have been Maria.

Who's Maria?

And I'm going to tell Laura.

You remember.

Maria, our Spanish maid.

Oh yeah.

She's the one with the broken arm and English to match.

That's right.

Boy.

She was a terrible maid, but we loved her.

Loved her, you could wait till she moved out.

We wanted a lady one day a week,

and she moved in like she was going to live

there the rest of her life.

That's exactly how I got my wife, Pickles.

Did she leave a number?

She tried, and I tried.

And then she said, cinco ocho.

And I went, uh oh.

You better call back.

Oh, yeah, that must have been Maria.

I bet she just called to thank us for the birthday present.

That was it.

Well let's get to work.

Well I still think it was Dennis Day.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, just a minute.

Cinco ocho.

Oh.

Hello.

Oh, hi Maria.

Ah, just fine.

Thank you.

Yeah, no, Ritchido's fine.

He's just fine.

Yeah, Senora Petrie is also muy bien.

Hey, did you hear that?

Laura's muy bien.

What kind of a favor?

Favor for favor?

Yeah, well that's trouble in any language.

You have a un amigo?

Maria, is that you calling about a wedding?

A job?

Oh, I see.

What does he do?

Anything.

What did he do when he was in Spain?

He did?

I mean, he was?

Wow.

Well look.

I'll try.

Wait a minute.

Don't thank me yet, Maria.

No.

What I'll do is check around this weekend.

Yeah, definitely.

Well call me tomorrow.

I'll be home-- I'll be home around noon.

OK.

Adios Maria.

So, she wants you to find her boyfriend a job, eh?

Well that don't sound like too much of a favor.

When's the last time you saw a want ad for a bullfighter?

Bullfighter?

Uh huh.

Darling, when Buddy and Sally call, tell them 8 o'clock.

Yeah, yeah.

Isabel, thanks anyway.

Yeah, bye.

Still no luck?

Well, how much luck would you expect finding

a job for a bullfighter?

That was Bill Burlingame.

Bill Burlingame?

The dairy farm? - Yeah.

Well I figure where there's cows,

there's going to be bulls.

Maybe some he could fight.

Boy, I sure hate to let Maria down like this.

Shame.

Well when she calls, given her my love.

Yeah, as soon as I tell her I can't get her fellow a job.

I'm going to the market.

You want anything?

Yeah, drop by the butcher shop.

See if they can use him.

Oh, Rob.

That's awful.

Oh, the butcher!

I got to take the roast out of the freezer.

[phone ringing]

Hi.

Oh, hello Maria.

It's Maria. Yeah.

No, Maria.

Everybody is still muy bien here.

Huh?

Well, listen.

No, Manuel, that's not so muy--

what do you mean, gracias?

Here?

Why would Manuel be here?

What?

Well, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Don't thank me Maria.

Maria, please.

Don't-- she's thanking me.

For what?

[doorbell ringing]

I'll bet you for that.

Just-- hold it a second, will you Maria?

Uno momento.

- Hello. - Hello.

Hello.

Is this the estate of El Senor Petrie, please?

Yes.

OK.

Maria, uno momento.

Your amigo is aqui.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, boy, is he aqui.

Rob, you better come and speak to him.

Manuel?

MANUEL: Si, that's me.

Manuel Luis Federico Rodriguez.

How's it going?

It's going fine.

Manuel, listen.

Your amigo, she's on the phone.

Maria. - Oh, Maria!

She sings your praises.

Well, yeah.

We sing a lot about her too.

You're not kidding.

Hey, can I use your phone?

Yeah, you better talk to her.

OK.

Oh yeah, Maria, hello.

Who do you expect?

Maybe Mickey Mouse?

Oh, yes.

They are very wonderful people.

She is so beautiful, like Madonna.

And he is also very beautiful too.

I think I'm going to be very happy here.

Yes.

Honey, I made it very, very clear to Maria.

Well obviously you didn't, or he wouldn't be here.

It's going to happen to us again.

I didn't say I would definitely get a job.

I said I would try to.

Well you should have said that in English.

Because in broken Spanish, Rob, he's got one.

Here.

Look, Honey, we're off to kind of a bad start here.

But all I got to do is explain it to him.

Well, we'll give him dinner, and I'll give him train fare,

and take him back.

And if he wants money for a hotel, give him that too.

Remember what happened with Maria.

That's the slogan.

Remember Maria.

OK, let's do it right now.

The longer we wait, the harder it's going to get.

[vacuum cleaner]

Boy, it's going to be hard.

Oh, hi you guys.

I have dirty feet on the bottom my shoes.

The mud, so I suck it up with this.

OK?

Well, you didn't have to do that.

Oh, yes, I must.

A bullfighter is taught pride and "clineliness."

Cleanliness.

Oh, thank you.

Glad you teach me.

Because in one week I talk like you.

In two weeks I can talk better.

Look, Manuel.

I don't think Maria explained to you.

Oh, I understand there's no work too hard.

I can very quickly learn.

I show you how quickly I will learn.

Look.

This is the living room, right?

Yeah.

And then there's the kitchen.

Right?

And over-- that's a couch.

That's a new one.

And inside there is a--

That's our bedroom.

Hey, wait a minute.

What's that room inside there?

Oh, that's the guest room.

Ah! That's where I go!

Manuel.

Don't go in there.

Why?

There something wrong?

Look, Manuel.

We didn't expect you to come here and work.

Oh.

You didn't expect a great bullfighter like me

would take a job as a maid.

A butler.

I'll do that too.

Manuel.

No, please, please.

I must explain.

I am Manuel del Prado, who was once

best friends with the greatest bullfighter

in the whole world, Bustamente.

Bustamante?

Si, Bustamante.

Numero uno torero.

And me, the brother.

Numero tres.

Third?

Cinco?

Well the crowds, they are very fickle you know.

I was with him on that fateful day.

The day of his last fight.

Oh my.

Si.

The sun shone.

The children, they played in the streets.

And the birds sang.

And there was death in the air.

[whistles]

Si.

I remember seeing him lying on the sand.

Over here.

There.

With his blood in the sand like ketchup.

And that lousy bull kicking him like that in the head.

Such was the love I felt for that man

that I ran out of the arena with the tears coming down my face.

And the crowd. What do they know?

They kept saying el pollo!

El pollo!

Chicken.

The chicken.

Si.

And they threw things at me.

Like that and like that.

Oh, Manuel.

I had to leave my country in disgrace.

Even in my own eyes, I was disgraced.

But someday I will return to my country

to face the moment of truth.

But you can't expect me to marry Maria

if she thinks I'm a coward.

Well, sure you can.

No I can.

If she was a coward, I wouldn't marry her.

I must work very hard and save my money

until that wonderful day when I can march into the arena

to the sound of the trumpets.

[trumpet sounds]

But first, I have to clean the mud off my shoes.

He's in his room.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You going to let him stay?

Honey, right now, I haven't got the guts to go in there

and tell that coward that he can't clean my house.

I'll do it after lunch.

Besides, we made a mess here.

All this blood and sand from this bullfight.

Tell him?

He loved your lunch, Honey.

He said she cooked the best baloney sandwiches in America.

You didn't tell him.

Well--

Where is he?

Well he's painting the garage.

Oh.

ROB: Well, you said it needed it.

Rob, you said you couldn't tell him on an empty stomach,

so we all had a lovely lunch.

Well, I didn't need that much.

Honey, you know what I'm going to do?

Mhmm, you're going to hem and haw

and he's going to live with us the rest of our lives.

Wrong.

You see, you're wrong.

Look.

He needs-- he needs two things. He needs money.

Of course. We agree on that.

But pride. He also needs pride.

Underneath that gay exterior is a beaten little chicken.

OK.

Manuel needs pride and money.

Right.

And we need a couple of things too.

Like?

We need a thousand things around this house and yard,

and we need a good night's sleep.

A good night's sleep?

If we turn him out--

Oh, Rob.

How long are we going to go on being softies?

Forever.

But for him, till Monday.

But on one

What?

That you tell him right now he's leaving on Monday.

Deal.

OK.

And after he finishes the garage, he can fix the fence

and wax my car.

Well, I was going to have to clean out the rain gutters.

All right, after he does that then he can fix the glider.

OK, we'll have it out of here by-- by Monday.

Maybe.

What?

Well, I mean maybe he'll work fast and be gone Sunday.

Senora?

Oh, Manuel, you startled me.

Oh, thank you.

Is there something you wanted?

Oh, yes.

There's something I want to say, but I

don't know how to say this.

Oh, well.

Manuel, you don't have to say anything.

I understand.

We wish you could stay longer.

Oh, I wish that too.

But that's not what I don't know how to say.

I need a-- chimmy?

A chimmy?

A chimmy.

To wash your filthy car?

A chimmy.

How about a rag?

Oh, that I could say.

How about a rag?

Well there's some in a pail near the basement stairs.

You sure have a nifty place around here.

LAURA: Thank you.

Whoa!

Did you-- did you see Manuel?

Yeah, he's getting some rags for the car.

What's he-- we just started on the garage.

So what are you so upset about?

What a character, that guy.

We just started the garage.

I happened to mention when we finished the garage

that we ought to wax the car.

He was off.

And running.

And I said after that we ought to fix the fence,

and I turned around, he was out in the back yard hammering.

Well I don't understand why you're so mad though.

I don't want to do these things.

I'm only starting these to give him something to do,

and he's not doing them.

OK, well you start the painting,

and I'll see if I can find him.

He must have been some bullfighter.

The bull didn't have a chance with him.

First he's here, then there.

Well, there's another job for him.

Yeah Mil, we're going to have roast beef and asparagus,

and then for dessert I'm--

Millie, I never took the roast beef out of the freezer.

Oh my gosh, it'll never thought out in time.

Do you have anything defrosted.

Oh gosh, OK.

Well, I'll go to the store and get something.

Bye bye.

Why don't you make a paella?

Oh, boy.

Bet used to sneak up behind those bulls

and let them have it.

Did you want something?

Oh, si.

Rubbery gloves.

Rubber-- oh.

Gloves.

Hey, you ever eat a paella?

A what?

Oh, you never tasted nothing like that before.

Oh, sounds interesting.

Oh, I tell you what it is.

It's very easy.

First you need clamps.

Clamps?

Si, but in the shell.

It must be in the shell.

Oh, clams.

And shrimps.

No shell.

Clam shell OK, but the shrimp shell not OK.

Oh, well.

Besides shrimps and clams, you take a chicken,

and you put it in olive oil until it nice and brown.

Si.

And you put it on a bed of saffron rice

and you pop it into the oven.

Oh, wow, that sounds great.

I'll have to try that sometime.

I can make it.

You can?

The best in the whole world.

You're going shopping today?

Well yeah.

But will we have time?

You're going to have one fancy dinner tonight, boy.

I'll go change my clothes. - Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

Did he come through here?

Yeah.

I can't believe this.

I haven't got a half painted garage, a half waxed car,

a half edged lawn.

It's impossible.

At this rate, he's going to be here all summer.

Where is he? You said you knew where he was.

Where is he?

Well he's changing his clothes.

What for?

Well we have to go to the market

and get what he needs for dinner.

He's cooking our dinner?

Well, Rob, I don't know how to make paella.

Paella?

Laura, what are you doing?

Well, I don't know, Rob.

He heard my roast beef is hard.

It's all over town.

Well-- He told me about this paella, and the next thing

I knew, we were having it.

Honey, I got all these problems out there.

Didn't you hear what I just said?

Well Rob, I just don't know how to handle having

a bullfighter in the house.

That's all.

There's something else I'm wondering about.

What do you mean?

I mean for a guy who's supposed to be a bullfighter,

he doesn't act like a guy who's supposed to be a bullfighter.

Well, how should a bullfighter act?

Well not like him honey.

They're haughty, proud, mysterious, and they're brave.

He saw a spider in the garage I had to k*ll it.

And I hate them.

Well, so he's not a spider fighter.

That's not funny, Honey.

There's something that's not right about him.

Thinking about that too.

He doesn't really look like any of the bullfighters I know

- Huh? - Well, you know.

Tyrone Power and Anthony Quinn.

In the movies.

Why would he say he's a bullfighter?

If I went to Spain, why would I say I was Mickey Mantle?

You wouldn't say that.

I would if I wanted to impress somebody.

Oh.

Yeah, we were kind of impressed, weren't we?

And look at Maria.

She is plenty impressed.

Oh, Rob, that poor girl might be letting herself

in for a giant heartbreak.

Hey, what kind of a jump was that?

Well, I mean, if you are right.

Rob, we ought to--

We ought to just kind of mind our own business.

Well Maria is like our business.

Well, let's just keep an eye on him.

That's all.

Don't want Maria to get in any trouble.

Hey, come on.

Let's going, I-- Oh, Mr. Rob.

Hi.

Don't worry.

I fix your fence and all that stuff later.

But first, paella.

That was fine Manuel.

Look, we were just having a little argument here.

Oh, you shouldn't do that.

But arguing about bullfighting.

You know.

A veronica.

Isn't that l like a cape?

Una veronica.

Si.

Come on, we better get going.

I have to put my rice on.

Come on.

That's a bullfighter?

Hi, where's Squire Petrie?

He's in the garage.

Yeah boy, I bet the car's in the bedroom.

Well, he's been painting.

Wait a minute.

What do I smell?

You'll never guess what we're going

to have for dinner tonight.

Turpentine.

No, paella.

What kind of pie is that?

It's Spanish.

Spanish pie with turpentine.

Oh, you're going to love it.

Manuel's--

Oh! What's he like.

Is he handsome? Oh he's got to be.

I'll take him anyway.

He's in there.

Right?

All right?

Oh, I just saw his back.

But what a back!

Hey, how long are you going to keep this Don Quixote

around here?

Well, just until Monday.

Oh.

Oh!

I was-- I was painting.

[mumbling]

Kind of a crazy day.

Yeah, looks like it's going to be kind of a nutty night.

Whenever you're ready Manuel.

MANUEL: Dun, dun, dun!

Ole!

Oh, hasenpfeffer.

He's joking.

Have to watch him.

Yeah, I got to watch you.

Yeah, and I got to watch you too.

Oh, boy.

This smells heavenly.

Is we are making.

Heavenly.

Come on, stop with all the smelling.

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.

No horse.

Clam, shrimps, chicken, lobster.

Wine!

I forgot the amontillado.

Hey, you know this, is the first honest to goodness meal

I've ever had cooked by a real bullfighter.

If he is a bullfighter.

What do you mean if he is a bullfighter?

We're not so sure about him.

There's so many things about him unbullfighterish.

Like this dinner.

We just don't trust him completely.

That's all.

Then make him eat with us.

I ain't touching a drop of this glop till he does.

Well, I tell you.

Whatever that glop was, it was good glop.

This tastes like a lot of rice with food in it.

You guys go ahead, I'm going to still nibble.

Hey Rob, you know, I think you're right.

A guy that cooks as good as he does doesn't fight bulls.

He barbecues them.

Boy.

The more I'm around that guy, the more I am

positive he is no bullfighter.

[guitar strum]

But then what do I know about bullfighting?

Hi Manuel.

Hey, a guitar.

Well, bullfighters are great guitar players.

You don't think I'm a torero, huh?

Yeah.

Everybody's laughing at me?

Hahaha?

Not me, I'm still eating.

We're not laughing at you Manuel.

I do not enjoy being around a house where

everybody thinks I'm a liar.

I think he just fired himself.

And he ain't even loaded.

Do something.

I think he's done enough.

Manuel.

BUDDY: Wow.

Boy, look at that.

A bullfighter's suit.

Hey, you got one in a double breasted?

That looks like a real one.

It is a real one.

They call it the suit of lights.

Suit of lights. Hey, plug it in.

See if it works.

Buddy.

Manuel, is this yours?

Si.

Oh, boy I'd love to see you in that.

I could never wear the suit until the day

I can face the moment of truth.

Well I'd like to face it right now Manuel.

It's just we didn't know you very well

and we're very fond of Maria.

We were just a little concerned.

That's all.

OK, I understand.

Without the suit of light, and you think

I'm a regular person walking around.

Boy, that suit of lights even without a person

is some slick suit.

Can I touch that?

Touch it, you can wear it.

Oh!

SALLY: Yeah!

No, only I cannot wear it.

Rob, you know you're dying too.

Sure, I would be disappointed if you wouldn't.

I would be insulted.

I'll wear it.

Yeah, that would really be an insult.

Come on, you may never get another chance like this.

Boy, it sure is a temptation.

SALLY: Oh, go on Rob.

Come on.

Well, maybe just the hat.

[gasping]

BUDDY: Ole!

All right, the whole suit.

Get the movie camera.

Hey, I better call my cousin Irving.

- Why? - Why?

He rents bulls.

Presenting my friend, Senor El Roberto!

[applause]

Oh, Rob.

Look at that.

Looks like a perfect fit.

What fit?

It's a convulsion.

You look beautiful.

I've got to have a bull!

Call Millie and borrow a bull.

Throw him an ear!

An ear!

OK, here comes a big one.

Toro!

Missed me, right!

MANUEL: Ole!

Si, that's right!

Ole!

Ole!

All right, ole.

Hey Manuel, is this the veronica?

Like this?

No, like this is su1c1de.

Like over here is veronica.

Ha, toro!

Toro!

Ole!

Very good!

[speaking spanish]

Thank you.

Ah!

All right, the moment of truth.

LAURA: Oh, Rob!

Ole Ole.

I don't care.

I'm still having too much-- hey, come on.

Give me a real hard one now Manuel.

What's a hard one?

OK.

The hardest one is when you get down on your knees.

Right.

And you turn your back on the bull.

Yeah.

Now what do I do?

You pray, because that bull's going to k*ll you.

OK, I'll be the bull.

I'll be the bull.

Toro!

Toro!

Ole!

Beautiful!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Ole!

Get up, you're sitting on the bull!

What's the next pass, torero?

Out.

I'm going to pass out. - What's the matter?

- Laura, get a doctor. - Rob!

I'm not kidding.

Get a doctor.

How did you say it happened?

He was gored by a chair.

Doctor, is is serious?

No.

Possibly some abrasions, contusions.

Abrasions!

Conclusions!

The worst it can be is a minimum fracture.

But I would suggest, Rob, that you come down

to the office for an x-ray.

But there's nothing-- nothing to worry about, actually.

An x-ray!

You're going to cut off his conclusions!

You hear that?

You hear it?

All right, it's come.

My moment of truth.

Will you just whisper it?

While he has the pain, I have the courage.

You are not a bullfighter.

I wanted to say that.

You're not a bullfighter?

Everybody's saying it but me.

I'm not a bullfighter.

Well, who are you?

Manuel Luis Rodriguez--

I mean, what are you?

I'm a Mexican cook for a Spanish bullfighter.

Aha!

I knew it.

All that stuff about Bustamente.

That wasn't true, right?

Of course it's true. What do you think?

I'm a liar? - Well--

I was only Bustamente's cook.

He was the one that ran away from the bulls,

and he leave me with no job and no money.

Just that dumb suit.

You guys won't tell Maria on me?

No, you are going to tell Maria.

MANUEL: Oh boy.

Do it now while you have the courage.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

Well, any time you're afraid, that's the time to att*ck.

What are you doing Rob?

I got to get up.

Here, let me help you.

I got to go in and fight that chair.

I'll never be able to go in the living room again.

Well, this was a night to remember.

Well, how's the old rib, Rob?

I could use a spare.

Boy, you deserved that one.

Well, good luck Manny.

Yeah, what are you going to cook tomorrow night?

Oh, tomorrow I have to finish all this stuff

I forgot to finish today.

And tell Maria everything.

Oh, I will tell her a lot.

Yeah, well you don't a cook who cooks as good you cook.

You could be a cook.

You could be a caterer too.

I work here.

What's a caterer?

Well, that's somebody who prepares banquets or meals

for people in their homes.

Sure, I'd hire you myself.

What night you free?

Every night.

Good, how about--

how about next Thursday?

How many guests you expect for dinner?

One guest, just you and me.

You forgot Maria.

Yeah, but you didn't.

Forget the dinner.