05x16 - I Do Not Choose to Run

[bunniefuu]

(THEME SONG)

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show", starring d*ck Van d*ke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthew and Mary Tyler Moore.

Thank you, Mrs. Burgess.

Thank you.

[applause]

And, ah, now we'll hear the opposing view

against the shopping center.

The chair recognizes Robert Petrie.

Thank you.

Ah, Mr. Chairman, and, ah, fellow citizens.

First of all, let me say that I'm very much in favor

of progress that I was offered a tube-less tire

and garbage disposal, you know, topless bathing suits.

[chuckles] Well, for men, for men only.

My father used to get little strap marks from those shirts,

you know.

Of course, the, um--

the new shopping center, I think, is progressive.

You know, it's a lot more progressive

than that silly little park that we've got on that lot

right now.

And in all fairness, the City Fathers,

they have planned to build us another park somewhere else.

But also in fairness to mother nature,

I don't think even the City Fathers can build an oak tree.

Um, the new shopping center is supposed to result in a cut,

big cut, in our property taxes.

Well, I've done just a little bit of simple arithmetic.

And that giant tax cut breaks down to almost $3

per taxpayer a year.

Now I don't know how I'm gonna tell my son that we

sold his park for a crummy $3.

Now it seems to me if the planning commission of the city

can find room to build another park elsewhere,

they could build a shopping center

there in the first place.

Thank you.

[clapping and chatter]

Ah, Rob, I've got the feeling that you've

started something here tonight.

There's gonna be a lot more discussions

before we vote on this thing.

Well, John, I--

I just said what I really feel about it.

And I felt I had to say what I feel.

Well, I'm glad you feel that way.

- Goodnight, John. - Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Well, John, what do you think?

I think you're right--

pleasant personality, good family man,

knows how to handle himself in front of people.

We should have Mr. Howard meet him.

I think Rob would make a darn fine

candidate for City Councilman.

And I think he can win.

The first step is to see if he'll run.

All right, that does it. I'm finished.

Boy, that is the end.

I'm through!

Rob, what happened?

You're soaking wet.

Boy, I knew it was gonna be a rotten day when I cut

my toe shaving this morning.

Well, I dropped the razor while I was shaving.

And just now, I broke the lawn mower.

Well, how did you get so wet?

Well, I broke the lawn mower when I ran over the hose.

Rob, you didn't flatten my Johnny jump-ups, did you?

Huh?

- My pansies? - Oh, no.

Your pansies are all right. - Oh, good.

I'm gonna sit down and not move the rest of the day.

I'm a menace to myself.

What am I sitting on?

An egg.

Oh, no.

[chuckles] A dunnock egg.

Oh, you--

[chuckles] Why don't you go take a nap?

I'd probably fall out of bed and k*ll myself.

Beside, I can't, Doug's coming over.

Well, aren't you gonna change clothes?

Oh, honey, the only time Doug ever comes over

here is to get a donation.

I'm not going to dress up to give away money.

If he sees you dressed like that, he may give you some.

All right, I'll change.

Did you fix the towel rack in the kitchen?

Oh, doggonit, I forgot.

Oh, please Rob, the towels were all over the floor.

It just needs a nail or something.

Well, with my luck today, I'll probably pick up the hammer

and drive it right through my thumb.

Not if you're careful.

Well, if I'm careful, I won't hurt my thumb.

I'll just smash the plaster.

The hammer's in the silverware drawer.

I'll just get a silly answer.

Hey, where are the nails?

In the teapot.

ROB PETRIE: [laughs] Got them!

[NAILING AND HUMMING THEN SCREAMING]

Rob, you hit the wrong nail?

And I cracked the plastering.

[doorbell rings]

[groans]

Hi, Doug.

Oh, hi, Rob.

I was just--

I cracked the plast-- no, come in.

It will only be a minute.

I want you to meet Mr. Howard.

Oh, my thumbs wet.

I-- this is my wife, Laura.

She'll be glad to shake your hands.

- Happy to, Mr. Howard. - How do you do?

- Hi, Laura. - Hi, Doug.

How are you?

Please come in and sit down.

Thank you.

We'll only be a second.

Oh, wow, egg.

Wouldn't wanna sit on that.

[clears throat] Yeah, Mr. Howard, we shop at your-- no,

we bank at your bank.

Coincidentally, how do you like the way

we decorated your mortgage?

I like it.

It's very nice. ROB PETRIE: Oh, thank you.

Honey, while we're on the subject,

would you get the checkbook, please?

Oh.

This time, I didn't come for a check, Rob.

We want cash?

DOUG: [chuckles] Mr. Howard, here,

is Chairman of the Citizen's Committee

for Better Government.

He wanted to meet you.

Well, I'm always interested in better citizenship.

Anything I can do?

How'd you like to run for the City Council?

Be glad-- huh?

Did you?

You did.

You're kidding.

The City council?

Me?

Why me?

Because we think you'd make a good councilman.

I don't know what to say.

Honey?

Well, it's--

I don't know what to say either.

I just thought of something to say.

Me?

Hang on, I'm not a politician.

Well, we don't want a politician.

What we want is a bright, able, personable young man.

Well, that's what I said.

Why me?

Now Rob, we don't expect an instant answer.

We'd just like you to think about.

But Rob has a job.

Yeah, I got a--

I have a job.

Well, all the councilmen have regular jobs.

We only meet one night a week.

I'm sure you'd like to talk this over with your wife.

We're having a little meeting at the hall tomorrow night.

And if you're at all interested, why don't you drop over?

Well, yeah, I'll think about it.

Yeah.

Well, you think about it, Rob.

And, ah, we hope you come up with the right answer

because we think you'll make a fine councilman.

Ah, Doug, are you sure you didn't

come here for a donation?

Rob, if you come up with the right answer,

you can contribute to your own campaign fund.

Right, I can.

[chuckles]

So long, Rob.

Goodbye.

MR HOWARD: Laura, so long.

Hey, did two guys come in here and ask

me to be a city councilman?

I was just gonna ask you that.

What do you think?

I think I'm flattered.

Well, you should be.

All right, then, I'm flattered.

[chuckles] Well, what do you think I ought to do?

Well, let's discuss it.

Yeah.

I-- I don't know how to discuss it.

Yeah, neither do I. It's a whole new subject.

Councilman Petrie.

Councilman Petrie.

Robert Petrie, city councilman.

Hey, if you're a city councilman,

what will they call me?

Probably Laura.

Oh, come on.

The important thing is, what am I gonna do, honey?

Well, I think the first thing to do

is go to that meeting tomorrow night

and find out more about it.

Yeah, you know, it could be fun.

It's a great honor to be a city councilman.

Yeah.

How'd you like to live in the White House?

Well, it's a little soon to think about that.

Well, we'd probably get it painted over the weekend.

Hey, do they inaugurate city councilman?

I don't know. Why?

Well, I'll need a new dress.

Hold it, I am not elected yet.

Right, but I still need a new dress.

And we'd probably have to get a bigger car to hold

all the bumper stickers.

No, we'll just get a bigger bumper, that's all.

Well, what do you think you're gonna say to them?

Well, I'd--

I think I'll probably tell them I'm

interested unless I can think of a reason I shouldn't be.

Well, whether you run or not, it's a great honor to be asked.

Yeah.

Of course, I always did think you were kind of special.

Hey, you wanna celebrate?

I'll take you to dinner.

Oh, we can't.

Ritchie asked Freddy to stay over.

Well, how about tomorrow night?

Well, you have the meeting tomorrow night.

After the meeting?

And if I decide to run, you'll have the honor

of being the only girl who has a date with a candidate

for the city council.

[chuckles] There's gotta be another candidate.

I don't care.

You don't care about the other candidate?

No, I just don't care if he has a date or not.

You know, Rob, what you need is a sincere tie.

I had a sincere tie till he made me taste his hot dog.

I think the sauerkraut blended right in.

So do I. It was the mustard that k*lled it.

Where did you get these, Buddy?

From the costume department.

What do you think of that?

Nah, looks like somebody stole your gas station.

- Try this one. - Oh, come on, Buddy.

Are you out of your mind?

That's a cowboy tie.

It worked once.

(SOUTHERN ACCENT)I'd like to invite you all

down for barbecue at the ranch.

Hey, that was good.

Hey, look, why don't you go without a tie?

Maybe you get the slob vote.

You can't vote in his district.

Oh, thanks very much.

You know something?

If I could, I'd vote against you.

Why, don't you think I'd make a good councilman?

Who cares.

I'd vote against anything that keeps you out of this office

and leaves more work for me.

Buddy, I tell you, your loyalty is underwhelming.

Look, you guys, I want you to understand one thing.

If it in any way interferes with my work here,

then I want nothing to do with it.

I don't want to be a nominee.

You know what my Aunt Agnes always says?

The only true nominees are the people from Nomin.

That's not very funny.

Nomin, schlomin, what's the difference?

Look, it means more work for us, and I'm against it.

What do you mean you're against it?

What extra work?

Well, we got those, ah, Thanksgiving

specials coming up.

Oh, Alan's been trying to sell those things for eight years.

He's just not a Thanksgiving image.

Oh, yes, he is.

He looks like a stuffed turkey.

BUDDY SORRELL: Well, Mel says we're

gonna sell those specials.

All right, that's fine.

But since when do you pay attention to Mel?

When it suits my purpose.

Rob is trying to be a good citizen and you gripe.

Why?

For a very good reason.

- You're jealous? - Right.

Right.

Buddy, why are you jealous of me?

I'm jealous of everybody.

I'm still sore at Cary Grant for getting all my girls.

[phone rings]

Hello.

Yeah, just a minute.

Its for you, Councilman.

ROB PETRIE: Ah.

Hello.

Oh, hi, honey.

What's up?

Well, I'm just getting ready to leave right now.

No, kidding.

Oh, we'll have to send a copy of that to mom.

Yeah, I'll see you after the meeting.

I've got an 8:30 reservation at Rocco's for dinner.

OK, bye.

Hey, Rob, what are you gonna send your mom?

His pop.

No, this little article in the local paper that says,

"according to reliable sources, Rob Petrie

of Bonnie Meadow Lane is planning on throwing

his hat in the political ring".

Well, I guess that item kind of makes it official, huh?

Yeah, I'm gonna have to buy a hat to throw in the ring, then.

No, don't you dare.

Take my hat.

Now I can be secretary of millinery.

Surely.

The way I feel right now is very flattered

and very interested and very enthusiastic

and extremely stupid.

So before I give you a final yes,

I'd like to know a little bit more about the campaign.

Fine, Rob.

Now Bill Schermerhorn, here, is in charge of advertising,

public relations and publicity.

Bill.

It's good to have you aboard, Robbie.

Well, thanks.

Well, I'm not on board, yet.

Though, I'm just on the gangplank.

Good, good.

Rob, I'm in charge of the think factory,

and we've come up with a couple of brain bombs

that should really make a lot of noise.

Well, bombs away.

Good thinking.

Now Rob, look at it this way.

All those voters out there are our wheat field.

And we're gonna b*mb the wheat fields?

No, no.

We're gonna harvest that wheat field.

And we'll b*mb the other guy, right?

That's savvy, Rob.

You've got savvy.

Now we're gonna make up a few thousand of this.

What is it?

Well, it's a cardboard attache case

to hand out to the commuters at the station.

Red, white, and blue--

Rob's picture on one side, George Washington on the other.

Well, isn't that a little bit pretentious?

What's pretentious about cardboard?

Well, nothing, except I don't think I

should be linked with George Washington.

You don't like Washington?

No, I love him.

BILL SCHERMERHORN: Good, Rob, good.

Well, it's just that I don't think

I'm the father of New Rochelle.

Rob, your wife.

Well, are you gonna put her on the attache case, too?

No, Rob.

We want a picture of you and Lori and--

Laura.

Laura, even better.

We want a picture of you and Laura and your boy bowling.

Well, we don't bowl.

Start.

Bill, I know you've got a lot of things to cover,

but Rob was interested in the campaign itself.

Yeah.

Oh, listen, do you mind if I just

take a second to call my wife?

I promised to take her to dinner.

Where are you taking her to dinner?

- Rocco's - Rocco's, where's that?

- Up in Bridgeton. - Connecticut?

- Yeah. - No good.

Oh, no, it's great fettuccine.

[clears throat] No, Rob, you don't understand.

You gotta eat right here in New Rochelle.

Well, Bill, I do whenever I'm at home.

Ah, no, no, Rob.

You got to eat, shop, drink right

here in the old hometown, USA.

Do I?

No, it's important, Rob.

You know, in a way it makes sense.

Supporting local businesses is part

of our civic responsibility.

Yeah, well, I understand that, all right.

Look, I do have a problem though.

My doctor lives in Mount Vernon.

Well, that's OK, Rob.

Just don't get sick during the campaign.

If I do, we'll have to make a house call.

Rob, your son, what's his name?

Ritchie.

I wish we could change that.

How is he grade-wise?

Well, average-wise.

Good.

What does he like best, baseball, football, basketball?

Cookie.

What?

Well, he likes to help his mother in the kitchen.

He's a good boy.

Yeah, sure.

Ah, Rob, in this town there are six

supermarkets and dozens of independent grocers

and retailers.

There are 18 churches and synagogues,

10 youth groups and each one has to be hit at least once.

Boy, when you guys asked me to run, you meant run.

We're planning a senior citizens hootenanny, Rob.

And the Chamber of Commerce dinner's next week.

BILL SCHERMERHORN: And the veteran a-go-go and a $50

a plate potluck dinner.

[interposing voices]

Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Timmins.

I expected him home hours ago.

Well, I tell you, it's awfully late.

Could you possibly call back tomorrow morning?

Wonderful, thank you.

What?

Yes, yes, Mrs. Timmins.

If he's elected, I'm sure that he will look into the sewers.

You're welcome.

Bye.

[phone rings]

Oh, no.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Mill.

No, not yet.

Listen, I better hang up in case he's tried to call me.

What?

Oh, Millie, not you too.

Everybody in town has been calling with suggestions.

OK, go ahead.

Millie, I doubt that they can equip the garbage

trucks with silencers.

So don't vote for him.

Look, I gotta hang up. Talk to you tomorrow.

Bye-bye.

Oh, Rob.

You can say that again.

Do you have any idea of what time it is?

Do you not have any idea how many busy signals

I got trying to call you?

It is after 11:00

23, and I'm well aware it's after 11 o'clock.

Oh, Rob, you don't know what's been going on around here.

All I know is I just went through the most rotten three

hours I ever spent in my life.

I couldn't even get you on a phone to tell you about it.

Well, I have been dressed and waiting to go out to dinner

with you for those three hours.

I was trying to call to explain,

but you were gabbing with Millie.

Gabbing with--

Rob, I can tell from the way you look that you are,

at this moment, a disturbed person.

So I'll ignore that. - Honey.

LAURA PETRIE: But for the past three hours, all I have done,

Rob, is answer that phone.

I ain't talked to Millie more than five times

the whole night.

Five times.

Are you running?

One night a week, huh?

That's after you're elected.

Do you know what I'm doing on Wednesday?

You're taking Ritchie downtown to the orthodontist.

No, forget it.

I'm giving speeches at the opening at three new

supermarkets and I'm christening a new

bump'em car at the tinkertown amusement park.

How's that for crazy?

Well, it's no crazier than it's been around here.

Ever since that afternoon newspaper came out,

every kook in New Rochelle has called to tell

you how to run the government.

Only you weren't here, so they told me.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry for--

I wasn't yelling at you.

I'm just mad because of what they did to me at the meeting.

What they do to you?

Well, for starters, I can't wear

my onyx cuff links anymore.

Why?

Well, it's a little too sharp for a councilman.

- Oh, that's silly. - Yeah?

Well, try this.

How would you like me with a crew cut?

You're gonna get a crew cut?

No, not quite.

[phone rings]

I'm not going to answer that.

Hello.

Mrs. Timmins.

LAURA PETRIE: [chuckles]

Ah, Mrs. Timmins, I'm afraid the usually reliable

newspaper sources run reliable.

No, I didn't say I was gonna be a candidate, Mrs Simmons--

Mrs. Timmins.

I just said I was gonna think about.

I'm afraid I don't have any connections

with the city sewer system except maybe a couple of pipes.

No, I'm not being funny, ah, Mrs. Timmins.

I'm just being tired.

Well, wait, I'll tell you what I'll do.

If I should choose to run, the first thing I will look into

are your sewers.

You're not gonna run, are you?

I didn't say that.

I don't know what I'm gonna do, honey.

I'm just confused.

Are you hungry?

- Starved. - OK, come on.

I'll make you a baloney sandwich and we can discuss.

Oh, good.

Do you believe the people have the nerve to call at this hour

and complain?

She's just very upset about her sewers.

Well, how does she think I feel being dressed like this

for a baloney sandwich?

Baloney, that's all I heard tonight.

You know what, baloney.

Well, you'll like this.

It's imported.

No good.

It's gotta be New Rochelle baloney.

It's what?

Nothing.

[thumping sound]

What was that?

It sounded like somebody bumped into our garbage can.

Who'd bump into a garbage can at this time of the night?

Clumsy crook.

Let me take a look.

[knocks on window] Yes?

LIONEL: It's a friend.

Of whom?

Of New Rochelle.

Are you Rob Petrie?

Yeah.

The one that's running for City Council?

That's not definite, but I'm the one you want.

Well, I gotta talk to you, it's important.

My name is Lionel Sims.

Well, what do you want?

Ah, something I've got to find out.

Do you like animals?

Animals?

Yeah, do you like them?

Well, what kinda animals?

Well, cats and dogs, do you like them?

Cats and dogs, sure.

My neighbor doesn't like animals.

He's giving me trouble.

He wants to get rid of my pets.

Yeah, why is that?

Well, he says they're too noisy.

Ah, how many dogs do you have?

Two.

What, two little dogs?

And 75 cats, all beauties.

75 cats.

You want a kitten?

Look-- look, I'll tell you what.

If I do decide to run, the first thing I'm gonna look into

is your problem.

Well, it's about time we had a cat lover on the City Council.

Right.

Right, just what this town needs.

Right.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

[loud thump]

75 cats?

That just about does that, I think.

I wanna keep my onyx cuff links.

I wanna keep my regular hair.

And they can keep the city council and their supermarkets

and their animal lovers.

It's not really working out the way we thought it would.

Yeah, it's getting worse.

I'm up to here with politics.

Let somebody else run the government.

Rob, do you really mean that?

What do you mean?

Well, I just wouldn't want you to make a rash decision

in the heat of craziness.

You think I should get involved in this craziness?

No, but I think you ought to think about it some more.

I've thought about it till I'm up to here with that.

You know, I really wanted to be on the City Council,

but not if I have to put up with that kind of thing.

Of course, all the speeches and the personal appearances,

you really don't have the time for it.

I'd have the time if I really wanted to.

Do you want to?

I don't know, but I know what the question is now.

The question is not, do I have the time or is it

too much trouble.

The question is, do I really want to?

Do you?

Honey, just because I know the question

doesn't mean I know the answer.

What kind of a bread is that?

Mountain Shepard.

I figured.

It tastes just like wool.

It's made in New Rochelle.

Oh, well, then it's delicious.

Well, I don't know, Rob.

I say if you don't want to run, you shouldn't.

I didn't say I didn't wanna run.

You do wanna run?

Well, yes and no.

You know, I told you.

There some reasons I don't want to and some reasons I do.

I guess it kind of boils down to whether I

want to because I want to or I want

to because I think I should.

Yeah, that's right.

Boy, you're a natural politician.

You make no sense at all.

It better make some sense by 8 o'clock

because that's when they want my answer.

Hey, Rob, look.

If you're looking for a good excuse for not running--

- I'm not looking for an excuse. - --I got it.

Well, come on, what is it?

Tell them you getting married.

I'm already married.

Right, nobody likes a scandal.

You guys might as well forget it.

I'm a perfect candidate.

Right now I'm leaning towards running.

Yeah, don't lean too far.

You're gonna fall right in your face.

[phone rings]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Alan.

Oh, busy, right.

[chuckles] No kidding.

Well, Alan, this is kind of short notice for us.

I mean, it's gonna take a lot of extra work,

night, weekends and--

yeah, I know you don't care.

OK, Alan, we'll get right on it.

Well, how do you like that?

Well, what'd he say?

He sold the specials and we've got to go to work

on them starting right now.

Hey.

But I thought Alan wasn't the right image for Thanksgiving.

He's not.

It's gonna be on Halloween.

Rob, that's the answer.

Now the big thing that you're concerned about

is your conscience, right?

Right.

Well, now you got too much work.

You got a legitimate out.

You gonna take it?

I don't know.

Oh, come on, this is ridiculous.

You gotta make a decision.

Rob, you want my advice?

No.

Good decision.

Now while you're in the mood, make another one.

Oh, come on.

As much as I would really like to accept,

I'm afraid my present workload plus the campaign

would be a little bit too much for me.

So in all fairness to the planning committee

and also to my family and my job, I'd like to say right now,

I don't know what to do.

What is that?

Rob, you mean you haven't decided yet?

Well, I thought I had, but then, I guess, I haven't.

I never definitely said I would, you know.

Well, that's right, Rob.

But, ah, the way you said it--

I mean, usually when a politician says maybe,

he means yes.

Well, you see, that's the thing.

I'm not a politician.

That's been one of my problems.

I mean, I've gone along the whole time talking about

whether I had time or not to do this,

but I never said anything about ability.

Now times easy to come by, but ability--

What's ability?

I could sell you if you were a two-headed kangaroo.

Well, there's one of the things right there, I'm not.

I'm a one-headed person who's trying to do the right thing.

Rob, what you need is some good old-fashioned convincing.

Doug, I'd love it. Go ahead and convince.

We're gonna let you convince yourself.

You're gonna make a speech?

No, to coin a phrase, "one picture

is worth a thousand words".

Well, that's, a-- that's a big me.

That's right.

Why?

Well, we assumed you'd run.

You're the only one not sure of yourself.

Well, wow, will you look at that?

You know it's embarrassing to stand here and look at it?

You can park a car in my nose.

It's big, Rob, but we all believe everything it says.

Well, I'm Rob Petrie, that's the truth right there.

Good citizen, I guess I am.

I vote, pay my taxes.

I don't litter.

I'm not a litterbug, anyway.

Good neighbor, I don't know.

You'd have to ask Jerry Helper about that.

We did.

And he said if you return his power drill,

he's behind you 100%.

Well, Robert Petrie, true.

I'm a good citizen.

I'm a good neighbor, all right.

But good councilman, that I don't know about.

Let's let the voters decide that.

You got a deal.

Congratulations, Rob.

You're gonna make a tremendous councilman.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Rob Petrie

and I am a candidate for the Office of City Councilman.

I would like to say, in my opinion,

my worthy opponent is--

uh-huh, I don't know who my worthy opponent is.

Well, if you'd like to see how the election comes out

and find out who my worthy opponent is, tune in next week.

If you don't care to see how the election comes out,

ah, you're an American.

That's all I can say.

[theme song]