05x20 - Remember the Alimony

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Oh, Sal, you don't have to do this.

I can manage. - Oh, are you kidding?

I love to set tables.

It's about as close as I'll ever get to getting married.

Ah.

Hey, what made Rob pick a day like this

for an outdoor barbecue? - Well, I don't know.

It was such a beautiful day yesterday.

We never dreamed it would rain.

Anyway, he loves the flavor of charcoal.

Well, I wish he'd eat some matches or something

or cook them, because I'm hungry right now.

Look.

Instead of complaining, why don't you go out there

and help him with the steaks? - No.

Come on.

There's no point in more than one of us freezing.

The steaks are ruined.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

You better call Chicken Little.

What happened?

Well, I couldn't get the charcoal to burn.

I had to keep putting fire lighter on it.

And you got some on the steaks?

A lot.

I can't put the steaks out.

I'm sorry, you guys.

Oh, that's all right.

I like Chicken Little.

Besides, they may send over a cute delivery boy.

Mom, Dad, how do I look?

Wow!

If it isn't old Poncho Petrie.

I'm not Poncho.

I'm Sonora.

If you're a senora, you better have a talk with your father.

He's Sonora, all right.

There's a school pageant, and he's

representing Sonora, Mexico.

Oh, he looks more like an ad for corn chips.

Where'd you get all these things?

Well, they're just some souvenirs from Mexico.

Can I use this paper, too?

It would make a great Spanish land grant.

Oh, you don't need that.

Just that hand tool and wallet will do fine.

But, Dad!

Why don't you go run outside and watch the steaks burn?

Again?

Yeah!

What'd you leave this laying around like that?

I didn't leave it lying around, Rob.

I thought you put it away. - I didn't.

- You said you were-- - Look.

Somebody found it.

We'd like to know what's going on.

- Oh, it's nothing. - Mhm.

I don't accept that.

Hey, no, wait a minute.

Look, uh-- it might be embarrassing

for certain parties.

Oh, well, this is hardly a party.

You b*rned the steaks.

Yeah, and there's nothing on television tonight.

Come on. What is it?

Let's have a little entertainment.

Should I show them, honey?

You sure there's nothing good on television?

SALLY: Oh, come on.

Tell us.

Take a look.

Holy cow.

Holy cow what?

It's in Spanish.

You don't read Spanish.

Right there, it says divorce.

And divorce is a word I've checked out in every language.

All right, Rob.

What's this all about? - Buddy's right.

It's divorce papers.

Whose divorce?

Mine and Laura's.

Those are legal divorce papers printed and supported

by the Mexican government.

No wonder they get along so well.

They're divorced.

How do you like that?

All these years, he's been available.

And I haven't had a sh*t at him.

Hey. Hey, Rob.

How did this document get in your hands?

Well, sit down. Make yourself comfortable.

I'll tell you the story.

You mean to say that you and Laura actually

tried to get a divorce? How'd it happened?

Why? When?

You know, everything. Come on.

Well, it was right after we were married.

Oh, that's good timing.

Well, it was kind of tough for Rob

and me to adjust in that first year.

Well, it was tougher because we

were trying to adjust to a place called Anchor, Texas.

Anchor, Texas?

Never heard of that.

Did you ever hear of Opelika, Georgia?

Oh, yeah.

Well, one out of two ain't bad.

[laughing]

Come on, Rob. Where's Anchor, Texas?

Tell us about it.

Well, I was there, and I don't know where it is.

We'd been married about three months, I suspect, huh?

And I was transferred to this little town.

We had a tiny little hot apartment.

Do you feel anything?

It's a little cooler.

No, it isn't.

It's fine.

- No, it isn't. - You're right.

It isn't.

Well, don't say it is.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

It's going to spoil the pot roast anyway.

How do you like that?

The pot roast has got it better than we have.

Boy, did you marry some big success.

I promise you the world, and I give you Anchor, Texas.

Well, darling, we're together.

And as long as we're together, I'm happy.

Oh, boy, if this is happy, I'd like to see you sad.

I'm sorry.

Well, it's just this heat makes everything seem worse.

We don't have to sit around here and swelter, honey.

Let's go down to the PX.

We can have a cold drink.

Back to the boys again?

Well, not only the boys.

Well, not the boys.

We can go in and have a nice cool drink.

Rob, I like Sol and Bernie.

It's just that I--

I see just as much of them as I do of you.

And I'd like to see more of just you.

Well, honey, I'll go along with that.

What do you want to do?

Well, I don't know.

Do you want to watch television?

No, it makes the room hotter.

What about a movie?

What's playing?

Uh, "One Million BC."

Oh, still?

How about a drive-in?

"The Desert Rat."

[laughing]

Hey, I know.

Let's go for a nice quiet walk in the desert.

Hey, OK.

If we hurry, we can b*at the sandstorm.

And Sol and Bernie.

Yeah. Wait a minute.

They didn't say anything about coming over here.

Well, they never do.

But if we don't show up to PX, they'll be here.

Well, honey, they're just trying to be friendly.

That's all.

I know.

It's just that they still act like you're a bachelor.

Well, that's not it.

They know you don't know anybody here.

And they just want to make you feel wanted.

Darling, you're the only person I'm

interested in being wanted by.

Listen.

Let's get out of here while we can.

OK.

MEN: (SINGING) Shave and a haircut.

Too late. [knocking]

MEN: (SINGING) Two bits.

Come in.

Hi, Sol and Bernie.

Hey.

Look at the lovebirds.

Are we interrupting anything?

[laughing]

Well, as a matter of fact, Rob and I

were just going to take a walk.

Too late.

The dust storm has started.

Hey, you know, we didn't see you at the PX

so we figured you didn't want to take the little woman out

in the dust storm.

So we came to you.

Wonderful.

I brought the cards.

We're going to play cards.

Well, we know how you hate to sh**t craps.

Yeah.

It's your house, too.

You know, so what the heck?

We figured we'd play cards.

Uh, unless you don't want us here.

Of course, they want us here.

Oh, well, you know, I just didn't

want to feel I was intruding.

We're not intruding.

They need us.

Right, Laura?

Right.

Yes.

All right.

I'll get things set up.

Right.

OK.

What do you got, Laura?

Full house.

Oh, boy.

[laughing]

Boy, this is your lucky night, honey.

You cleaned everybody.

Yeah, lucky.

That's some little girl you got there, Rob.

She ought to be in Las Vegas.

You keep that up, Laura, we won't play with you no more.

Really?

I'm a little short tonight, Laura.

I'm going to have to give you an IOU.

Oh, that's all right, Sol.

Don't bother.

Listen.

Sol Pomeranzt never welches on a bet.

I owe Laura 184 matchsticks.

That comes to 91 cents.

Uh, 92.

[laughing]

Hey, pretty cute, huh?

Watch the pennies.

The dollars take care of themselves.

You're in good hands, Rob. Here you go, Laura.

Come on. We got to get going.

Yeah, we don't want to wear out our welcome.

Hey, look.

There's another beer left.

I'll drink it myself.

- See you later. - Right.

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

OK.

At the base.

OK.

You're not mad, are you, honey?

I mean, Sol will make good on the matches.

Well, maybe he can win them back tomorrow night.

Look, I'm sorry.

I just don't feel like kicking them out.

Well, I don't want you to, Rob.

I just don't want you to invite them over every single night.

Well, I can't be unfriendly about it.

So you'll just let it ride.

No.

No, I won't let it ride.

By gosh, tomorrow, I'm going to tell

those guys not to come over here anymore unless I invite them.

I'll just tell them they're not welcome here

unless I ask them over here.

What do you think of that?

What's the matter now?

You can't tell them that, Rob.

You'll hurt their feelings.

Laura.

Well, Rob, I don't know what to do, either.

It's just that--

I like Sol and Bernie.

I really do.

But I'd just like to spend more time alone with you.

Well, I want to be alone with you, too, honey.

Gee, I wish we could get away from this place.

Laura, last time I asked for a transfer, they sent me here.

The next stop could be the Amazon or something.

I don't know.

Rob, I just mean our marriage needs a vacation from the army.

Well, we can't afford a vacation now.

We can afford a three day pass.

Yeah.

Hey, you know, the Mexican border is only

about eight miles from here.

We could go down there and get a--

one of those little hotels with an air conditioned room, right?

Yeah.

And dinner inside.

And we could have bullfighting, right?

Fiestas, wine, women-- woman and song, right?

So you went to Mexico, bought a sombrero, ate an enchilada,

and got a divorce. - Close.

Yeah.

What's close to a divorce?

My marriage.

All right, Rob.

What happened in Mexico?

Well, I was so excited about our vacation.

We went to the nearest town, a place called El Diablo.

Oh, it sounds like a hot town.

It was.

Oh, Rob, feel that air.

I can feel it.

Oh, boy.

Well, it's not the best hotel in the world.

It's the best one in El Diablo.

Oh, I love it.

And it's the only air conditioned one in El Diablo.

Hey, look at this.

This hotel's got everything, all in one room, too.

It sure does.

Look at that.

Souvenirs, soft drinks, and divorces.

Is that why you brought me down here?

Oh, Rob.

I didn't know they could sell divorces

right over the counter.

I don't know.

I've heard of Mexican divorces.

I didn't know you could get them that way.

Well, come on.

We'd better register.

I hope they have a room for us.

Don't worry.

If they don't, we'll sleep right in the lobby.

[bell dings weakly]

Well, this is really Mexico.

The bell's taking a siesta.

Anybody here?

Buenos dias.

Hi.

Uh, just-- what--

quiero-- quiere-- quiero--

uh, we want a, uh--

cuarto.

That's either a room or a duck.

Which do you want?

The room or the duck?

A room.

Oh, you speak English.

[speaking spanish]

What did he say?

He said he speaks English.

Well, why didn't he say it in English?

Wasn't that English?

You-- I get mixed up living so close to the border.

What's this?

ROB: That's English.

Good.

Now I'm straight.

What can I do for you?

Oh, we'd like a room.

OK.

You're in 135.

And the senora is in 214.

No, um, I'll be in 135.

Please, no arguments.

They're both nice rooms.

Rob, I don't think he understands.

No, I don't think you understand.

Uh, we both want one room together.

Oh, no.

I tried that once, and they broke all the furniture.

Who?

The people.

I don't even put them on the same floor anymore.

Well, we want to be together.

Together?

You mean, you didn't come here to get a divorce?

A divorce?

Oh, no.

Whatever gave you that idea?

The only reason people come to El Diablo is to get a divorce.

We're hardly ready for that.

We're still on our honeymoon.

Oh, that's nice.

That's beautiful.

For one time, my hotel will be filled

with kissing and hugging instead of hitting and punching.

And two chairs at one table for a change.

Oh, you make me so happy.

For you, the best accommodations in my hotel.

Well, thank you.

We would like the finest.

Uh, how much are they?

Oh, for you, my little lovebirds,

the best will cost no more than the worst lousy rooms.

Uh, follow me.

Oh.

What's the matter?

Take your bags.

Well, here we are.

ROB: Oh, let me get the door.

GONZALES: I'll take the bags.

Oh, the, uh-- something's wrong with the door.

What is it?

The bed.

Well, uh, just make yourselves comfortable.

Uh, you, uh-- you said something about

the finest accommodations.

We call this el cuarto de la felicidad.

I don't think a fancy name is going to help it any.

This is the room of happiness.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Did you ever hear of El Gordo?

No.

The Fat Bandit.

You see that bed?

- He slept there? - No.

He d*ed there.

He was a terrible man.

Boy, were we happy.

Yes.

Well, don't worry, honey.

They probably changed the sheets.

Well, uh, excuse me.

I'll let you two lovebirds alone.

Now, is there anything else you want?

No.

Well, you could turn on the air conditioning.

It's on.

I don't-- I don't feel anything.

Well, to feel it, you have to go downstairs.

Well, in the lobby, it says air conditioning.

Si, the lobby is air conditioned.

Didn't you feel how cool it was down there?

This room isn't air conditioned, is it?

If it was air conditioned, would it be this hot?

You silly billies.

[laughing]

Well, El Gordo sure picked a lousy place to die, didn't he?

I think the bed k*lled him.

Oh, come on, Rob.

We're alone together, and that makes

everything beautiful, right? - That's right.

Right, honey. You know what we're going to do?

What?

We're going to get all cleaned up.

We'll go out, and we'll do a little shopping.

Good.

We'll come back here in the evening.

We'll have a nice meal down in the air conditioned lobby.

And then we'll go for a nice cool stroll

in the moonlight in the desert.

I'll do my Andy Russell impression.

Oh, would you?

You're going to have the best time you ever had in your life.

Oh, me, too.

What do you say to opening a window?

It's warm in here.

I say that would be vital.

Yeah.

Uh.

Hey, I think we got a room with a view, honey.

That looks like the bullring down there.

It's a big bullring.

[exhaling]

Did the lovebirds enjoy their dinner?

It was wonderful.

Very, very good.

Listen.

We'd like to take a little stroll on your desert.

You picked a perfect night.

It is a full moon.

That's very-- very-- how do you say, uh--

Romantic?

No, practical.

Practical?

You'll have enough light to see the snakes.

Snakes?

Oh, snakes, iguanas, lizards, Gila monsters.

You name it, we've got it.

Is he serious?

Are you serious?

You're going to see for yourself.

Hey, why don't you stick around?

The entertainment is coming.

Honey, why don't-- my legs are just a little sore.

Yeah, mine are a little shaky, too.

Let's stay here. - Yeah.

It's cooler than our room, anyway.

Besides, entertainment is coming, right?

[music playing]

Here they are.

Olé!

Hey!

[singing in spanish]

What?

It's kind of fun!

Hey, senor, come, dance with me.

Oh, no.

Couldn't he?

He could.

Come on.

Hey!

Come on, honey.

Come on, get up.

No, no, come on!

Olé!

Olé, hey!

[singing in spanish continues]

[hooting]

Hey, boys.

Hold on a minute.

I'm a little--

[inaudible] Thank you.

Woo, boy, I'm a little bit hoarse from all that singing.

Boy, it's after midnight.

Boy, some fiesta.

Wasn't that great, honey?

Great.

Buenas noches, Roberto.

Hasta la vista.

[speaking spanish]

Maxine says that if you want to dance with her some more,

come to the Red Fox.

It's just across the street.

Buenas noches.

Yeah, buen--

Hey, caballero.

Oh.

Yeah, well, you-- boy, they're such warm-blooded people.

Yes.

Yeah, boy, that was exciting.

I lost track of the time.

You know, we've been dancing and singing for almost an hour.

No, you've been dancing and singing for almost an hour.

Oh, yeah.

Honey, how's your foot?

I'm sorry about that.

No, it's all right, dear. It's fine.

It's fine.

Gee, I was so busy there doing the flamenco,

I lost all track of the time.

Yeah.

That Maxine is quite a senorita, isn't she?

Honey, are you mad about Maxine?

No.

But you sure looked like you were.

Laura.

I'm sorry, Rob.

No, I'm sorry, honey.

Here I was having all the fun, and the whole idea of the trip

was for you to have fun.

Well, why me?

Well, you know, you were the one.

The one who what?

Well, you-- hey, look.

Tomorrow is going to be very, very different.

You know what I'm going to do?

Take you to the bullfights, just you and me.

Nobody else.

I'm not going to talk to anybody else.

And I'm even going to say "olé."

It'll just be you and me.

ROB (VOICEOVER): Well, the next day, we went to the bullfights,

and Laura was less than thrilled.

It's probably just the heat, anyway.

No, no. Rob.

It's not the heat.

It was the bullfight.

Well, didn't you even like the music?

No. No.

I don't like the music when it accompanies the--

Yeah.

What it accompanies.

I'm sorry, honey.

No, Rob.

I'm the one who should be sorry.

I've just ruined your whole vacation.

No.

This heat sure isn't helping anything.

Why don't we go down to the lobby?

No.

I really don't feel like seeing anybody.

Yeah, I don't blame you.

You want to go to a movie, honey?

Well, gee, we can go to a movie back in Anchor.

ROB: Yeah, you're right.

[exhaling]

How about a little walk on the desert?

We-- no, you don't--

you're afraid of snakes.

I know.

Well, so are you.

Well, I'd go if you wanted to.

Well, sure, you're just saying that because you

know that I don't want to go.

Well, what are we going to do?

Well, I-- I don't know.

What do you want to do?

At least it's cooler in the lobby.

I thought you'd get to the lobby.

What does that mean?

Pedro, Luis, and Laverne were tuning up.

Maxine.

Oh, you noticed.

Well, at least it's more fun down

there singing with them than--

Than sweltering up here with me?

Oh, boy, the way you put things.

I didn't put it any way, Rob.

I just finished your thought.

No.

You-- you finished what you thought was my thought.

That's all.

And just what does that mean?

It doesn't mean anything.

It doesn't mean anything, honey.

Nothing's ever your fault.

And what does that mean?

Nothing.

I did-- nothing at all.

I mean, nothing is ever wrong.

Ever.

And just what does that mean, Rob?

SOL AND BERNIE: (SINGING) Shave and a haircut, two bits.

[knocking]

I know what that means.

Rob, how could you?

I didn't.

Well, somebody did.

Well, I didn't.

But if you think I did, I should have.

And I-- maybe I will.

SOL AND BERNIE: (SINGING) Shave and a haircut, two bits.

[knocking]

All right, Rob.

Just open the door and let your friends in and me out.

Hey, hey, Rob.

Laura, I bet you're surprised to see us, huh?

No.

Where are you going, Laura?

To the desert.

Well, wait up.

We'll go with you.

Shut up, Sol.

Laura!

Where have you been for the last two hours?

What difference does that make to you?

I've been right here most of the time.

You've been right here?

I thought you were out with the snakes.

I've been worried-- I've been worried sick about you.

Is that why you're yelling at me?

When a man thinks his wife is out with the snakes, I--

darn right, I'm going to yell.

Oh, Rob, how could you invite Sol and Bernie here?

I did not invite them here.

They just found us.

But you should be glad they did.

I couldn't comb that whole desert by myself.

Well, if you hadn't invited them,

I wouldn't have been in it.

And you wouldn't have had to comb it.

Oh, it twist is around.

No.

I wouldn't dare try.

You do a much better job of twisting things

than I ever could.

Like when you said you didn't invite the fellows.

Oh.

Are you calling me a liar?

No.

I'm just saying you are a much better than average twister.

Can I help you?

No.

Nothing can help us.

Well, that's why we're here.

I swear I didn't invite those guys, but don't-- don't sell

them short. They're worried sick about you.

They're right-- right now searching.

Combing every bar in this town.

Bottle my bottle.

Uh, could I have your names, please?

Rob and Laura Petrie.

That's a pretty low thing to say about the search party.

They're a great search party.

Everywhere we go, they find us.

How long have you been married?

- Three months. - Oh.

Look. You ran out on me.

Don't forget that.

For two very good reasons, Sol and Bernie.

They happen to be my best friends.

Some friends.

How about Maxine?

Laura, you're being pretty childish about this.

Rob, that's cruel.

Cruelty and childish.

That's the grounds.

Those are two of the sweetest--

what grounds?

Grounds for divorce.

What divorce?

What divorce?

This divorce.

Your divorce.

That's our divorce?

As soon as I get the grounds and 10 bucks.

What?

I didn't come over here for a divorce.

Whatever you say.

But if anyone ever sounded like they wanted a divorce,

it's you.

Well, I didn't come over here for a divorce.

Did you?

I didn't come over here at all.

I followed you over here.

Now you're going to make it my fault.

Hey, hey, Rob, you found Laura.

Great!

Can I see you for a minute? - What is it?

Well, while we were out looking for Laura,

Bernie got thrown in jail.

Could you let me have 10 for his bail?

Well, I guess so.

What Bernie-- where was he looking?

I'll tell you later.

Thanks.

Well, there's your friends.

They won't even let us get a divorce alone.

Oh, so you do want a divorce, huh?

I didn't say that.

Well, is that what you want?

Is that what you want?

Want?

If you want one, I want one.

That will be $10.

You want me to give him the $10?

Do you want to give him the $10?

Do I--

[laughing]

I haven't got $10.

I gave it to Sol to bail Bernie out of jail.

You gave your friends our divorce money?

Well, it just so happens that our friends need our divorce

money worse than we need our--

what-- wait a minute.

Our divorce money?

Oh, Rob.

Divorce money?

Please, you are getting a divorce.

This is no time for arguments.

The argument's over.

We're not getting any divorce.

Who are you, anyway?

I'm your lawyer.

Oh, well, you ought to be the first to know then.

We're not getting a divorce.

I'll make it easy for you.

I'll give it to you for 5.

For $5, nobody can afford to be without a divorce.

We can.

Can't you see that we're in love?

You could have fooled me.

Honey, look.

I-- I swear I didn't tell those guys where we were.

I was as surprised as you were. You've got to believe that.

I do. I do believe you, Rob.

I just have to get used to sharing you, that's all.

ROB: Don't get used to that.

I don't want to be shared.

And I don't want to get a divorce, either.

Well, if you get a divorce at some time,

you'll come and see me.

The form is filled out.

We wouldn't go to anyone else.

Listen.

I'll make it easy for you.

Here.

Take this.

Whenever you're ready, fill in the grounds in ink

and mail it to me with $10.

I'll stamp it and mail it back.

Thank you.

That's very kind of you.

Hey, how about a nice souvenir to remember your trip?

Let me take your picture riding a bull.

Well, so like I said, these divorce papers are nothing

more than a souvenir, right?

Oh, those things are as valuable as our wedding

license. - What valuable?

Pickles and me keep our wedding license in a shoeshine kit.

Well, you'd be surprised how valuable that paper

is to Rob and me.

See, anytime we have a serious argument, why, one of us

has to do is just fill in the grounds.

You'd be surprised how many arguments have

been ended by those papers.

Yeah.

Hey, Buddy, you could use one of these.

Not necessarily.

Look how many times the grounds have been erased.

Hey, Rob, does that include the one

last week when that little ballet dancer broke her foot?

You know, that cute girl?

And she insisted on you taking her home.

Buddy.

Take her where?

Oh, nothing, Laura.

She-- she was one of those pushy girls.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Uh, Mel took her home. That's right.

What was her name? [laughing]

Give it to me, Buddy.

Sharon Sure. That was her name.

Very pushy little dancer.

Absolutely crazy about me.

Fill it in there.

- Sharon Sure? - Uh-huh.

We'll fight about it soon as Buddy and Sally go home.

Don't forget to put down "pushy dancer."

Pushy dancer.

[interposing voices]

[music playing]