05x28 - You Ought to Be in Pictures

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore

Hey, the sketch is great.

Oh, good.

- Alan even smiled. - Oh, boy.

How's the script going?

It's almost finished.

Hey, any messages?

Yeah.

You got a call from, uh, Leslie Merkel.

The Leslie Merkel?

I didn't know there was a "the" Leslie Merkel.

Who is he?

He's an old army buddy of mine.

Oh, another one of those reunions?

No, I think another one of those touches.

Oh.

He makes low budget movies.

You know, those crazy ones.

Oh, yeah, like what?

Well, you remember about a year ago,

Laura and I went to see a picture called "The Sewer"?

"The Sewer"?

Who was in it?

Uh, candy wrapper.

Candy wrapper?

A real candy wrapper.

Oh.

They took a camera, and they followed it

from Park Avenue floating all the way down

to the Hudson River.

It was a kind of a part of a double feature.

The other one had nothing but feet in it.

You mean, real feet, like with toes and everything?

Yeah, that's right.

What did they call it?

"Feet."

Did he say anything?

What he wanted?

No, he just said it was very important.

Probably wants me to write a free script for him.

It could be your big chance, Rob.

There's your name up there in lights.

"The Nostril" by Rob Petrie.

Uh, Mr. Merkle, please.

He's got about as much chance of me writing a free--

hello, Les?

Hi.

Rob Petrie.

Yeah, fine.

How are you, boy?

Great. Listen.

I'm sorry I was out when you called.

What's up?

You're kidding.

Well, I'd love to.

Well, sure, I would.

Who wouldn't?

Lunch tomorrow?

Yeah.

OK.

Yeah, I'll see you, Les.

Bye.

I could have sworn I heard somebody

say they would never write one of those crazy pictures.

He doesn't want me to write it.

BUDDY: What did he want you to do?

He wants me to star in it.

BUDDY: Come on.

He wants you to star in a motion picture?

Right.

BUDDY: What are they going to call it?

"The Flop."

I don't know, guys.

[laughter]

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Your husband, the man who left this place

this morning an ordinary writer, has

been offered a part in a movie.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not.

A regular movie?

Where you go in and pay $2 to see it and everything?

Well, I mean, I could get you in free,

but yeah, it's a regular movie.

Well, are you going to be in a crowd

scene or something like that?

No.

I'm going to be a star.

A star?

Oh, come on, Rob.

You're kidding.

No, I am not kidding.

You remember Leslie Merkle?

Leslie Merkle?

Yeah, the guy from "The Sewer"?

Oh.

What-- he did a picture called, uh, "Shoes"--

no, "Socks."

"Feet."

"Feet," yes.

Well, he's going to do an experimental movie.

He wants me in it.

Which part of you?

Well, all of it.

Well, I mean, this time he's going

to do it with entire people.

Well, Rob, what does he want you to be an actor for?

You're not an actor.

Right.

And neither are none of my fellow stars.

What?

Are you investing in this?

Well, yeah, in a way.

Yeah.

Well, there goes the brick barbecue, right?

Oh. No, honey.

I'm-- not money.

Uh, I'm just-- I've offered to do a little punching up

of the script.

Are you going to be paid?

No.

Well, then, the whole thing is more like a glorified home

movie, huh?

No, it's not like a home movie, honey.

It's more like, "The Fugitive."

You remember the picture, they took a camera,

they followed a little boy around Coney Island?

It won all the awards.

Well, where are they going to follow you?

They're not going to follow me.

No, this-- this is about Rita Rivera.

Rita Rivera?

You mean, that--

Right.

The gal from Europe, engaged to everybody.

Right.

He's going to do a story of her life.

What's so experimental about that?

Well, he's using me because he's using

real people in all the parts.

In other words, I'm a writer, so I'm playing a writer.

He's using a real artist to be an artist.

He's using a politician to be a real politician.

Well, if everybody's, uh, playing what they are,

who did they get to play what she is?

Well, they want to get her to play her.

But she's in jail.

So who's going to be playing all those love

scenes with all you lovers?

The camera.

The camera?

Yeah, it's subjective, you see.

They're sh**ting everything from her point of view,

which is the camera, see.

- No girl? - No.

No girl.

The most I get to kiss is a lens.

That's crazy.

Yeah, but, honey, for a writer,

it could only be a great experience.

Or embarrassing.

Oh, it'll be fun. Look.

You'll be able to sit and watch.

You've never seen a movie sh*t before.

Oh, Rob, I just think you ought

to find out a little more about it before you commit yourself.

I know everything.

When do you start?

Well, I don't know.

Do you have to join a union?

I don't know.

How long is it going to take?

Well, I don't know.

I better find out more about this.

Here?

Yes, that's her.

Hello.

I'm Rob Petrie.

I'm, uh-- I guess we're both waiting for Leslie Merkle, huh?

Well, you're waiting for Leslie Merkle, are you?

Merkle.

No, I'm not Mr. Merkle.

Merkle?

Oh, you don't speak English?

[non-english speech]

Oh, I see.

What, uh-- parlez-vous Francais?

No.

No.

Well, parlez-- sprechen sie Deutsch?

No.

No.

What, uh, else is there?

Oh, Italiano?

[speaking italian]

Oh, you are, wonderful.

Uh, not wonderful.

I don't speak Italian.

It's not, uh, as pretty--

Rob.

Oh, hi, Les.

We were just--

Hi, Rob, [inaudible].

[speaking italian]

Heaven, heaven, heaven.

I see you met Lucianna.

Lovely girl.

It's-- it's nice to see you two getting along so well since

you'll be working together.

Huh?

Are you-- are you in, uh--

is she--

Rob.

Rob, I speak English.

Right.

Sorry.

Uh, what-- uh, what part is she going to play?

The girl.

Well, I thought a camera was going to be Rita Rivera.

Well, I did, too, Rob, but then I saw Lucianna at a party.

I looked at her.

I thought about the camera.

No contest.

Well, uh-- uh, I see what you mean.

Besides, it's easier for you guys that have to kiss her.

I mean, uh, would you rather kiss a lens?

That's what I promised my wife, Les.

I see.

Is your wife the jealous type?

Oh, well, yeah, yeah.

Molto bene.

What'd she say?

She said of all of Rita Rivera's lovers,

she likes the writer best.

She said all that with "molto bene"?

You're going to love working with her.

Look, um, Les, I'm not--

I'm not too sure I can play the part.

Why not?

Well, uh-- well, for one thing, I've never

done any real acting.

You don't have to act.

You're-- you'll just be playing yourself.

That's the trick of the whole picture.

Well, I-- I may not have the time.

You know.

Rob, we'll work nights, Saturdays, Sundays.

Well, that could be a little tough.

Rob, anything that's worth doing is a little tough.

I don't know, Les.

If you turn this down, Rob, you'll

kick yourself for the rest of your life

for the opportunity you've missed.

Yeah.

You know, like once I had a chance

to go on a Dutch freighter.

Right.

Same thing.

Here's the script.

I want you to check pages one through 40.

Hey, that's a big part.

Uh, no, that's not your part, Rob.

That's the part of the script that I want punched up.

Punched up?

Yeah, I told you on the phone I wanted you

to punch up some of the comedy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I got so excited about the, uh, acting, I--

I forgot about the punch up.

Les, if-- if I didn't punch up the script,

would I still get the part?

Rob--

I wouldn't, would I?

Well, let me put it this way.

You're the only person in the whole picture that isn't

putting up money to be in it.

Oh?

Well, she's-- she's putting up, uh--

Uh, no.

Never mind, huh?

Rob, what kind of a guy are you?

Look at her.

How can I ask her for money?

Yeah, why-- I wouldn't.

Yeah.

What do you say, Rob?

Well, by gosh, I'll do it, Les.

Molto bene.

Well, yeah.

Just one other thing.

In-- in Italian, how do you say let go of my hand?

You know something?

This movie isn't as bad as I thought.

Wait until you see Rob act in it.

Hello.

Here's something that doesn't need a rewrite.

Take a look at that, Buddy.

I don't want to look at any script.

Buddy, how would you feel about looking at that?

Wow.

With boy eyes.

Mhm.

Look at that bathing suit.

That's the smallest one I've ever seen.

So that's what that is.

Yeah.

What'd you think it was?

I don't know.

I thought maybe they were going to mail her someplace.

Lucianna Mazetta.

Isn't-- uh, isn't that the girl that Rob had lunch with?

The one that's replacing the camera?

Boy, that's some replacement.

Hi, [inaudible].

SALLY: Hi, there, lover.

Huh?

[inaudible]

Who is that?

Hmm.

Listen to that. - No, really.

Who is it?

What, are you kidding?

You just had lunch with her.

That's not her.

That is her.

Look on the back.

It says Lucianna Mazetta.

Right, it does.

But that can't be.

Don't you recognize her?

Uh, that is her.

Gee, I didn't know.

You know something?

I think he's telling the truth. BUDDY: Yeah.

Well, of course, I am.

At lunch, she just looked like a pretty girl.

Hey, Rob, that's more than just a pretty girl.

Yeah, there's enough there for two pretty girls.

Boy, I didn't know.

You-- all I met was her face.

So I didn't realize all that other was

going to give me such trouble.

Honey, I'm home.

LAURA: Be right out.

Hey, what happened with the movie?

Oh, it went great.

I'm going-- I'm going to take it.

There are a couple little things I think we're

going to have to clear up.

What little things?

ROB: We'll, uh, discuss it.

Hey, Rob.

What?

LAURA: Who's the girl?

What girl?

Oh, come on, darling.

You put a picture of an almost naked

girl next to the stuffed celery and then ask what girl?

Oh, her.

I almost forgot.

You have something terrible to tell me, don't you?

No.

Yeah, I think you do.

Honey, that's a picture of the camera.

That's the, uh, girl who's going to play Rita Rivera.

And instead of a lens, you're going to be kissing her?

May I?

When'd you find out about her?

Well, at lunch today.

Les decided he'd rather use a girl to play the part.

That's not a girl, Rob.

That's not a rhinoceros.

You know perfectly well what I mean.

I know, honey.

But when I met her--

You met her?

Well, yeah, at lunch today.

You know, I mean--

well, she didn't look like that.

Oh, come on.

Well, I mean--

I mean, she wasn't dressed that way, honey.

They wouldn't let her in a restaurant dressed that way.

They wouldn't let her on a beach dressed that way.

What was she wearing?

Well, uh-- well, she was up-- she

was wearing a table up to here.

And then a disguise or a suit or something.

Honey, the only one who can blame for the way she looks

is nature.

And whoever took all her clothes.

Honey, it's nothing but a difference in, uh, customs,

you know?

If we lived in Europe right now, I'd

be drinking wine for breakfast.

No, you wouldn't.

Because I wouldn't let you.

I've got a feeling you're not going

to let me do this, either.

I didn't say that yet.

Honey, the reason I brought this home

was to discover just how upset you'd be if I made love to her.

Uh, you know, within the confines of my movie career.

Well, how upset do you think I should be within the confines

of your movie career?

Well, it's-- based on what you know about me,

I'd say not at all.

But, uh, based on what you've seen of her, uh, quite a bit.

So you do think she's attractive.

Laura, I am not going to lie to you.

I-- good grief.

Look at-- well, don't look at it.

All right, honey. You win.

I'll just fix the script up.

I don't do any acting.

And now I'm supposed to say, oh, no, Rob.

Of course not. Let's not the childish.

Go ahead and do the picture.

Right?

Well, if you mean it, honey.

Hey, Rob, the rewrite turned out great,

just what the script needed.

- Oh, thanks, thanks. - Beautiful.

You all set?

Well, I've never done it before,

so I don't know if I'm all set or not.

Yes, he is.

He knows his lines backwards.

This is my wife, Laura.

Oh, good casting.

Thank you.

Is it all right if she sits and watches?

She's never seen a movie being made before.

Rob, any wife of yours is welcome here.

Uh, why don't you, uh-- why don't you go to wardrobe

and get dressed?

Well, isn't this dressed?

Why don't-- we'll get you a costume.

Barry, Barry, fix him up with something.

Here you go.

I'll be right back.

You want to go with me?

Well, I--

Uh, uh, she'll be fine right here, Rob.

Oh, OK.

That's it.

You run along.

He's going to be perfect.

How do you like the leading lady we picked out for your husband?

Is that her complete costume?

It's a little too complete.

Judy, take the hem up a couple of inches.

She's Italian.

Doesn't speak a word of English.

How does she say her part?

Phonetically.

For a girl who doesn't know what she's talking about,

she's great.

She's-- Judy, just set her up on the [inaudible]..

Set her up like before for rehearsal.

Hey, why don't you, uh-- why don't you

make yourself at home?

That's it, right there.

Right there.

Beautiful.

All right.

[chatter]

Les?

How do I look?

Like a writer.

You all ready?

ROB: Well, I, uh, think so.

I'll be right with you.

Honey, how do I look?

Well, you look fine, Rob.

Is that her costume?

They're going to fix it.

Well, I should think so.

They're going to make it shorter.

What?

OK.

OK, Rob.

We'll take the first couple of scenes.

Now, this is where you told her to get out,

and you went walking on the beach looking for inspiration.

And then you come back, and you find she's still here.

You got it? - Got it.

Uh, you got any questions?

About what?

Uh, your attitude.

Oh, I think my attitude is I've told her to get out.

I've gone out on a walk on the beach for inspiration.

I come back. She's still there.

Right?

Right, right.

All right.

Uh, we'll try it a couple of times.

Go get 'em, tiger.

OK.

[laughing]

I haven't said hello to Miss Merkle yet.

Uh, I'm Merkle, Rob.

She's Mazetta.

[laughing]

Good thing I didn't say hello to her yet.

Rob.

Why don't you just go right in there and say hello?

OK.

- Go right in there. - Hi.

Hi.

Beautiful, beautiful.

All right, Rob. All right.

Now we'll get-- OK.

Settle down, everybody. Here we go.

Here we go.

Make an entrance right-- atta-boy.

Right.

Right.

Beautiful, beautiful.

[inaudible]

OK.

All right.

Are we all set?

Here we go.

Action.

Uh, action.

Did you say something, Les?

I, uh-- I said action, Rob.

Oh.

LESLIE: Uh, no. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

No.

Go back in again, Rob. - Oh, I--

- Come out again. - When you say it.

Right, right.

Right.

You remember the word?

Oh, action. Beautiful, beautiful.

Wonderful.

Uh, um, OK, action.

(ENGLISH ACCENT) Well, Rita, it

looks as if you didn't take me seriously when I told you

you should get out.

Um.

Hey, Rob, do you-- do you have an English accent?

Well, no.

You're talking with one.

I am?

I thought I was, you know, acting.

Uh, no. We'll try it again.

We'll try it again.

Well-- well, you want me to cut down

on the accent a little, huh? Is that it?

A lot. A lot.

You're just a regular guy.

A regular guy.

Well, you mean, like, uh, look,

Rita, uh, you didn't take me seriously about getting out.

No.

No, not like that.

I mean--

You said a regular guy, you know?

That's too regular, Rob.

Yeah.

Just, uh, somewhere between Lord Henry

Winthrop and a truck driver.

How do you want me to talk?

Just the way you're talking now.

Well, that's easy.

Well, that's not acting, is it?

Well, that's a the I hired you, Rob.

I don't want actors.

I want real people.

OK? - All right.

OK. Come on, boy.

You can do it. Atta-boy.

Here we go. [inaudible], everybody.

We're going to go again.

This is the one.

OK.

Action.

(WHISPERING) Rob.

What is it, Rob?

Well, I don't know.

What is it, honey?

It's nothing, darling.

It's just that your shirt's bunched up in the back.

It doesn't look very good.

Go ahead.

It's all right.

I admit that I am lured by the temptation of your beauty.

But I am compelled by--

by an even stronger call.

A call whose sweetness is unwavering, pure.

The call of my work, that magnificent art

they call poetry.

How was that?

We'll never do it better.

Oh, thanks, Les.

A monkey could do it better.

When I turn around, I think it would

be better if you were gone.

But I love you.

No, you don't love me.

You love being in love.

If it weren't me, it would be someone else.

There is no other.

Then there's no one else.

It's all over.

Can you look at me and say that?

Easily.

It's all over.

Can you kiss me and say that?

The kiss will only say it better than the words.

[inaudible]

Cut.

Cut.

[speaking italian]

Uh, hey, Rob.

Rob, that kiss was supposed to say I don't love you anymore.

What did mine say?

It said I'm deathly afraid of you.

How do you--

Well, it's very simple.

You-- you kiss her the way you used to but without love.

Watch. - Yeah.

Hold this.

Oh, Leslie.

Uh, no, no.

Uh, uh, [inaudible].

OK.

Now, do you think you can do that?

ROB: Well, I'll sure try, Les.

All right. All right.

Roll 'em Roll 'em.

Take 16.

Speed.

Action.

[speaking italian]

All right.

All right.

Relax, everybody. All right.

[inaudible]

Sit down.

Sit down, Rob.

OK.

Take it easy, everybody.

Rob.

What's a matter, boy?

You're tight as a drum.

I don't know.

It's tough, Les.

It's really tough, you know?

Rob, what is so tough about doing a love

scene with a gorgeous girl?

Well, I tell you.

It wouldn't be quite so tough if certain people

weren't around here watching.

Oh.

Hello, dear.

Is that it?

Well, it must be it.

Every time I try and kiss her, I can see her looking at me

and laughing.

She wasn't laughing, Rob.

Well, she is inside.

I don't think I can act with her here.

Well, that's easily fixed.

I'll just tell her how you feel.

Well, I'll-- I'll give get rid of her.

I'll tell her.

Atta-boy.

Atta-boy.

Go get 'em, tiger.

[speaking italian]

Honey, can I talk to you a minute?

Yes, dear.

How do you think it's going so far?

Well, it's-- it's very interesting.

Yeah.

Honey, I don't know exactly how to say this.

You know sometimes when I'm trying to write at home,

and you're in the same room, you know, with me,

and I freeze up inside.

I can't perform to my ultimate potential.

No.

So it is the same way here.

Did you say no?

Well, Rob, are you trying to tell me

you don't want me to be here?

Is that what you're getting at?

Well, honey, look.

Les-- who has been in the business a lot longer than I

have-- says that it happens even with the biggest stars.

They get choked up, you know, when their loved

ones are on the set.

Oh?

Well, you really think you can act better if I leave?

Honey, I couldn't act any worse.

It's just-- I can't really kiss a girl with any feeling

when you're watching.

Really?

Well, I mean, you know, in a play.

[inaudible],, honey, that's what this scene is about.

Well, Rob, I certainly wouldn't

want to be the one responsible for ruining your movie career,

so good luck with your kissing.

Let's go from the kiss.

Action.

Oh, uh, Les, can we back it up a couple of lines,

kind of get a running start into it?

All right.

Let's take it from, uh, can you kiss me and say that--

ROB: Good.

Good, good.

Can you kiss me and say that?

The kiss will only say it more than the words.

[speaking italian]

Lunch.

Uh, look, Rob.

OK, everybody, that's it.

Uh, I want to talk to you about something at lunch.

Well, it's the girl, you know.

She's too passive.

She's a problem.

There's another problem I want to talk to you about.

She's got to come up more.

Oh, yeah.

[inaudible]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mil.

Well, no, it wasn't as much fun as I

thought it was going to be.

In fact, it was awful.

Well, Rob sent me home.

He said I made him nervous.

He was OK, I guess.

He was no Marcello Mastroianni, I'll tell you that.

Hi.

LAURA: Hi.

Uh, Millie, I'll call you back.

Marcello's home.

What are you doing here?

What's it look like I'm doing?

Well, it looks like you're having cookies and milk.

What took you so long?

Where you been?

Well, I just did some shopping.

I didn't think you'd be here anyway.

You finished already?

Not already.

Completely.

What happened?

Well, Mr. Merkle and I had a little difference of opinion.

About what?

Well, I wanted to play the part my way,

and he kept insisting I do it right.

So you didn't improve a lot after I left, huh?

No.

What you saw was the height of my work.

LAURA: Did he fire you?

Well, not completely.

I still get to fix the script up.

Oh, darling, don't feel too badly.

Well, I can't help it.

I mean, what hurts is I never thought of myself

as any great actor or anything.

But he told-- he told me I didn't even know how to kiss.

Oh, Rob.

Hey, you know what I'd like to--

let's just take this weekend and go away

and have a nice romantic time and forget all about this, huh?

How can I have a romantic weekend

when I know I'm a lousy kisser?

Oh, Rob.

Darling.

Oh.

Ooh.

It's no use.

I know now all these years, you've been carrying me.

[music playing]