05x31 - The Gunslinger

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Oh, Jerry, this is a bad day for me

to have a wisdom tooth out.

I got a whole big western sketch to write down at the office.

Rob, will you relax?

This is a simple extraction.

Look, you've been putting this off for a couple of months.

Now, it'll be over with, you'll be back at the office

writing the sketch this afternoon.

I got a Western sketch, uh, with a sheriff,

cowboys and everything.

Just relax.

The pill has to take effect.

It'll be all right. - It'll win an Emmy.

Take it easy.

Yeah, I'll be a sheriff in a Western.

[clicking tongue]

[music playing]

Oh howdy, sheriff.

Howdy, Buddy.

Town peaceful while I was away?

Yeah, didn't have a bit of trouble.

Did you hear from my wife and boy?

Yeah, they said they wanted to hear

from you as soon as you got in.

Better call 'em.

Laura!

I'm back!

MILLIE: She's not home, Rob!

This is Millie.

Can I take a message?

No, I'll call back!

Bye!

MILLIE: Bye!

Gotta move closer to the office.

Coffee hot?

Yeah, it should be.

It's been cooking since last Tuesday.

Howdy, sheriff, and welcome home.

Howdy, Ms. Sally.

And here's your favorite fried chicken.

Oh boy, and hominy grits.

Oh, I don't know, about 40 or 50.

Well, how are things at the saloon, Ms. Sal?

Well, OK now.

But last night, a couple of cowpokes

really broke up the joint.

I thought you said you didn't have any trouble.

I didn't have no trouble, she did.

Hey, tell me, sheriff, catch any of these fellows

on this trip?

Nope.

Well, when you do, don't forget,

I get that one and that one and that one.

Boy, you sure ain't choosy.

Oh, yes, I am.

This one, that's the only one I want no part of, Big Bad Brady.

[clattering]

How come every time somebody mentions Big Bad Brady

you drop a tray?

I once ruled with Brady.

When?

When I was a gunslinger.

You were a gunslinger?

Yep.

You were a gunslinger turned sheriff?

No, my last job was parson.

You were a gunslinger turned parson?

No, when I quit being a gunslinger, I became a singer.

A slinger turned singer.

I hated all that v*olence, so I became a singer in a saloon.

A singing parson.

No, parson came later.

Folks didn't like my singing, so I became

a dancer, then a rancher.

A slinger singer turned rancher dancer.

Then you became a sheriff.

- Don't forget the parson. - Yeah.

No, it's easy, look.

I was a slinger turned singer turned dancer turned rancher

turned parson turned sheriff.

Oh.

When you became sheriff, you swore you'd get Brady, right?

No, I swore to get Brady when I was a dancer.

But then what can a dancer do to anybody?

Yes, why'd you swear to get him?

Because I wanted to rid the worst of everything

that's mean and corrupt and ugly.

Then you better save one of them b*ll*ts for my wife.

Grab some sky.

I wouldn't do that, sheriff.

I can't.

I couldn't find the key.

Who are you and what do you want?

That's k*ller Cooley.

How could you tell with my hat on?

You forgot to cover the Ponderosa.

So you're a k*ller Cooley, eh?

Right.

Bad Brady's weak brother-in-law.

Yeah, darn it.

And I got a message for you from Bad.

That ain't good.

He wants me to tell you two things.

First, he's coming to town.

Over my dead body.

That's the second thing.

That don't scare me none.

I can still handle these irons.

Oh, boy.

Sheriff, you keep forgetting, you ain't got no g*ns.

A sheriff without g*ns?

When I quit being a gunslinger, I hung up my g*ns.

I ain't wore 'em since.

You gave up g*n fighting?

No, I forgot where I hung 'em.

I just looked everywhere, the basement, Ritchie's room.

I don't know where they are.

Well, you better find 'em, and by tomorrow noon.

Why, by high noon?

Because that's when Bad Brady is coming to town for the show.

You mean the showdown, stupid.

I mean, the show, Shorty.

He wants to see a stage show.

Oh, hey, I play the cello.

Well, you better play it good, because he

you don't like anybody in the show he's gonna k*ll 'em.

Nobody's gonna want to be in the show

if they know they're gonna get k*lled.

That's the sheriff's problem.

And if he don't get a good show together,

there's only one person gonna get k*lled,

and that's the sheriff.

Are you scared, sheriff?

Ms. Sally, I don't know the meaning of the word scared--

terrified, panic stricken, I know all those.

Howdy, Laura.

Howdy.

Oh!

How was your trip?

Fine, fine.

How's the boy?

Good, good.

Fine, fine.

Rob, you seem a mite fidgety.

Is something bothering you?

No, no, nothing wrong.

Good.

Making a pretty new dress?

You like it?

(SHAKILY) It's beautiful.

Rob, there is something wrong.

No, no, nothing's wrong.

Well, good.

I'm making this for the big social Sunday night.

(SHAKILY) There ain't gonna be no social.

Rob, are you trying to hide something from me?

I've held it in as long as I can, Laura.

What?

(SHAKILY) Bad Brady's coming to town.

Oh, no, Rob!

Bad Brady's coming to town!

- Now, now, woman. - Oh, Rob.

[sobbing]

No sense in the both of us crying.

You're absolutely right, Rob, there's no sense in it at all.

BOTH: [sobbing]

Well, what's he coming to town for anyway?

What do you think?

You?

What else would he want in this town?

Well, he always did like me a little.

No, honey, he wants me.

I'm the one who deserted his g*ng.

Well, don't you worry, Rob, we've run before

and we can certainly run again.

Well, I'm tired of running.

You're not thinking of facing him, are you?

May not have to.

He wants to see a show, and if it's good,

he'll just see the show and rob the bank and leave town.

And if it isn't good?

He'll k*ll everybody in it.

Who's gonna want to be in a show like that?

Well, if there ain't no show, he's just gonna k*ll me.

Well, that seems fair--

I mean, from his point of view.

I'm going over to Sally's saloon

and get some volunteers before they find out it's

a su1c1de show.

But Rob, you've been away for two weeks.

Don't you want to see the boy?

Can he sing or dance?

No.

He can wait.

[laughing and yelling]

Well, I reckon you heard about the show.

Hi, Buck.

Howdy, Frank.

Howdy, Jesse.

Howdy, James.

Howdy, Doody.

Howdy, Buddy.

Howdy, stranger.

Folks, I'd like to talk to you about the great show

we're gonna put on.

I know you'd all like to be in it,

but I'm afraid we're going to have

to cast this thing on a first come, first served basis.

Well, I know you're disappointed.

And we'll try to put as many of you in as we possibly can.

So to keep this thing orderly, I think

it'd be better if all the man lined up

on this side of the room and all the ladies lined up over there.

Actually, I have a better idea.

You just stay and relax where you are and Ms. Sal

and I will go from table to table.

You'd rather line up, huh?

All right, that's all right with me.

All the men over here.

Wait a minute, folks.

Here-- All right, you want to line up outside, that's fine.

OK, folks, all the men over there.

Oh, that's a good idea.

I'll come to your homes and talk to you about it.

[g*nsh*t]

Well, I guess that leaves the three of us.

Nope, just two.

I got a cello concert in Dodge City.

Well, Ms. Sal, I reckon I can count

on you to sing a song for us.

What, without a cello?

A man desperately needs help and nobody'll help him.

What kind of a town is this?

Your average American town.

I'm at the time in a man's life

when he's got to make a, choice whether he's gonna fight

or whether he's gonna run.

I think he's going home to strap on his g*ns.

Or lace up his sneakers.

I ain't leaving.

I ain't running no more.

We ain't leaving town.

I'm gonna face him.

Rob, I do wish you'd stop saying that.

Well, I ain't leaving.

"Ain't" is what I wish you'd stop saying, Rob.

The boy's beginning to pick it up.

It sounds bad.

Well, I aren't leaving town.

You see that man?

I wish I knew who that was.

But if he was my pa, he wouldn't want me running.

Oh, but Rob, I just don't want to be married to a dead hero.

Would you rather be married to a live coward?

I've loved every minute of it.

In exactly one hour, Bad Brady's coming to town.

And we'll be gone just as soon as I finish this dress.

What are you fooling with that dress for anyway?

It's my new traveling dress.

Well, wear the one you got on.

I can't, Rob.

I wore this one the last time we ran away.

I can't wear it again.

Now, let me just check this length on you.

I just don't know what to do, whether to stay

or run or run or stay.

The hem is uneven.

I gotta go get the pins.

Mommy, mommy, the kids are all hitting me and saying daddy

is a sissy!

Mommy, daddy isn't a sissy, is he?

Of course, not son.

Daddy, you're wearing a dress.

It ain't what a man wears, boy, it's what's in his heart.

Is that a sissy in your heart, daddy?

Boy, who told you I was a sissy in my heart?

All the kids said you were afraid of Big Bad Brady.

Do you believe 'em, boy?

You look good in that dress, daddy.

All right, son, stop bothering your pa.

Go pack your bags, we're leaving town.

He is a sissy!

We're running!

We are not running!

Rob, where are you going?

I'm gonna go and find my g*ns.

- Oh. - Hi, Laura.

Hi, Rob.

Oh say, that's a pretty dress you're wearing.

Why is he wearing a pretty dress?

Oh, Millie.

Wear this yourself.

Laura, what's going on?

Millie, he's out there right now looking for his g*ns

because nobody in this rotten town

has guts enough to get up on a stage and face Bad Brady.

That's it.

Right, Rob should get on the stage and ride out of town.

No, I'm gonna get up on the stage.

Millie, where's my old costume?

You're dancing and singing costumes?

Yeah.

Millie, I'm gonna get up on that stage

and sing and dance my heart out for my man.

Oh, howdy, sheriff.

I was just packing your things.

I ain't leaving.

Hey, can I have your things?

I ain't dying either.

You're gonna face Brady?

Help me find my g*ns, will you?

What are you gonna do if you can't find the g*ns?

I'll face him with my face.

That ain't too good against b*ll*ts.

Yeah.

Howdy, gents.

Who are you?

I sell g*ns.

Yeah, what do you got?

I got the best line in the territory.

Gosh, I hate to buy a g*n for just one afternoon.

But these will last you a lifetime.

For him, that's one afternoon.

Yeah, just heft these babies.

They're beauties now.

Uh-huh.

Give 'em a little try out there.

I see.

Well, those are nice.

Do you have anything in black?

Most of my wardrobe is black.

No, haven't got any black.

Hey, how about a set of pearls?

Pearls would be perfect.

What else goes better with basic black?

Too fussy.

Well, here's a modest little g*n you might find amusing.

Hey, try that out.

What do you--

Oh, it's nice, but it's not you.

Yeah, you know what I think is wrong,

it's the barrel is too short.

See, I have a long thigh-line.

Try this baby out.

Oh, that's pretty.

A beauty.

Looks a little expensive, though.

I can give you a deal on that, though, it's second hand.

Oh, really?

Used only once to k*ll a little old lady in Pasadena.

No thank you.

Give me that back.

You're not gonna buy, you're just gonna look.

I haven't time for all this shilly-shally.

I'm a busy man.

I have to get on to Arizona by July, you know.

Look at that clock, it's 5 to 12:00.

I gotta get to that saloon.

Go ahead, sheriff.

When I find your g*ns, I'll bring them over.

Good thinking.

Good, if I'm late, start without me.

Will you hold it?

Now wait a minute.

The odds are 20 to 1.

Now who wants some action?

I want in.

[yelling]

20 over here. [interposing voices]

And another.

OK, I got you.

Hold it!

[whistles]

MAN: Right here.

You folks know gambling's illegal.

Come on, sheriff, let the folks have their fun.

What they betting on, Sal?

You.

Me?

Yeah, and your fight with Brady.

They betting on me to win?

No, on which way you'll fall.

It's 20 to 1 for backwards.

You want some of the action?

MAN: I want in!

[interposing voices]

How about you, Ben?

Folks!

Folks!

Attention!

Atten--

[piano playing]

[g*nsh*t]

It's k*ller Cooley.

And it's high noon.

Hello, sheriff.

We meet again.

Yup.

Got a good show for me?

There ain't gonna be no show.

Did he say what I think he said?

- He said to-- - Shut up!

Yes, sir.

Go stand in the corner.

There's not gonna be no show, huh?

Nope.

I guess you know what that means.

Yep.

All right, sheriff.

Go for your g*ns.

OK.

Where you going?

Going for my g*ns. They should have been here.

Now, I don't know what's keeping 'em.

Hold it! You ain't going nowhere!

You wouldn't sh**t an unarmed man, would you?

That's one of my best things.

It's showtime!

Showtime?

What's going on here?

You came to see a show, there's gonna be a show.

Get out of here!

It better be a good one!

Maestro, please!

[MUSIC - JEAN LENOX AND HARRY SUTTON, "I DON'T CARE"]

(SINGING) They say I'm crazy, got no sense, but I don't care.

They may or may not mean offense, but I don't care.

You see, I'm sort of independent,

of a clever race descendent.

My star is on the ascendant, that's why I don't care.

[cheering]

Wait, just hold it!

Hold it!

Laura, you-- I want you to come down off of there

and you come down right now.

Hey, you!

You, you, you let that lady sing.

That ain't no lady, that's my wife.

Oh, Rob, please, please let me do this thing.

Laura, this is my fight.

I don't care.

[piano playing]

Not you.

Don't you realize that man's a k*ller?

Rob, I don't care.

[piano playing]

Will you stop!

Laura, I don't want you to sing.

If she don't sing, I'm gonna k*ll an innocent bystander.

Don't sing, honey.

[g*nsh*t]

[groans]

That don't scare me none.

[g*nsh*t]

That don't scare me none either.

You're next.

(SINGING) Ya-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah.

[piano playing]

(SINGING) I don't care.

I don't care what they may think of me.

Men say I am plucky, so happy go lucky, so jolly and carefree.

I don't care.

I don't care if I do get the cold and stony stare.

If I'm never successful, it won't be distressful,

'cause I don't care.

Yeah!

[cheering]

Oh, Rob.

Rob, I saved your life.

I saved your life.

Isn't that wonderful?

What'd you think of the show, Bad?

One lousy chorus of "I Don't Care," you call that a show?

That's no show.

Hey, is this anything?

(SINGING) Every little movement has--

I guess not.

Good luck, Rob!

Well, this is it.

Hold it!

Who are you?

Deputy Sheriff Sorrell.

I hate lawmen.

Call me Buddy.

Put that away.

Sheriff, I got your g*ns.

- Oh, no. - Good.

Where'd you find 'em?

Your kid Ritchie was playing with 'em.

No wonder he's been losing all his friends.

Rob, if you put those g*ns on, I'll never speak to you again.

Probably not, but I got to.

Oh, Rob.

You're really going through with it, eh, sheriff?

I'm through running.

I'm through walking, too.

I can't do that.

Oh, Rob, you're out of practice, out of practice.

Let him practice, huh?

Go ahead and practice, it ain't

gonna do you no good nohow.

All right, you with the cards there,

throw a card up in the air.

[g*nsh*t]

Are you ready?

Are you kidding?

Did you see that?

I need more practice.

Go ahead and take it.

[g*nsh*t]

[glass shattering]

[g*nshots]

[glass shattering]

Hey, that's pretty good sh**ting, sheriff.

Not too good, I was sh**ting at the picture.

Can I get another minute?

No, you can't.

Oh, Rob, please.

Please no, don't do it, please.

Listen Bad, if you ever had any feeling for me at all,

please spare this man.

I never had any feeling for you.

See that, honey?

I told you he wanted me.

Not even a little bit.

No, not at all.

Maybe your sister a little bit for a while there, but no more.

Make your move, Brady.

You make your move.

Shouldn't I make my move?

Yeah, good thinking.

Thanks, Rob.

You, give me a little of that, [vocalizing]..

[suspenseful music] That's it.

Yeah, that's better.

Gotcha!

Gotcha!

Well, that's not gonna work.

Back to back.

Right, back to back.

I'll count to three, then we draw and sh**t.

All right.

One, two, three!

[g*nshots]

You didn't say to turn around.

You're supposed to tell us to turn around.

That was implicit!

I didn't--

I didn't mean to sh**t him, I meant to sh**t him.

[g*nsh*t]

Hey, I did it!

I outdrew him fair and square.

Did you see that? I was fast.

He didn't have a chance.

His g*n didn't even cock!

[g*nsh*t]

OK, yes, it did.

Ow!

Ow!

Oh, ow, ow!

Gee whizz, does that hurt.

[groaning]

Ah!

Oh!

Oh, I'm sh*t. - Where'd it hit you?

Where'd it hit you?

Oh.

In the shoulder.

All that noise for just a shoulder?

Somebody call a doctor.

All right, all right, all right.

My Rob!

Hey, doc! Doc!

We don't have no doctor in this town,

all we got's a dentist.

Hey, dent!

Dent!

- Yes, Ms. Sally? - Over there.

Huh?

Oh, oh, where are you hurt, pal?

Oh, over here, dummy, he's already dead.

Yuck!

Jerry, can you save him?

I don't know, where are you hurt, pal?

Right there in the shoulder where the blood is leaking out

of that little hole.

Well, I hope you're all satisfied.

Nobody would face Bad Brady but Rob, now he may die.

Are you satisfied? - Yeah, I am.

[interposing voices]

Pretty good.

Let me see how he is.

Ah!

Oh my gosh!

Is that a bad wound, doc?

What wound?

Did you see that?

He's got an impacted tooth.

Let me see that.

Ah!

Look at that!

We gotta get you down to the office to take care of that.

In fact-- - Oh, no.

Oh, yeah!

[interposing voices]

No, no!

No, no!

No, no!

Rob, Rob, now take it easy, Rob.

Relax. Relax, Rob.

- What? - Rob, it's all over.

The tooth is out.

What are you gonna do about this b*llet in my arm?

What'd you do, have a dream, Rob?

You wouldn't believe the dream I just had.

I just k*lled Alan Brady.

Well, not soon enough.

His secretary called and said tooth

or no tooth, he wants that sketch done by this afternoon

or he's gonna k*ll you.

You know, that's no problem.

He wants a Western sketch.

I'll just use all that stuff I just had in that dream.

Rob, did you dream about World w*r I?

What?

Alan wants a World w*r I sketch instead.

Jerry, do I need another wisdom tooth out?

Yeah.

Put me under and take it out.

Rob, Rob, there's no guarantee that you're going

to dream about World w*r I.

I don't care, even a rat like Alan Brady

can't expect a funny sketch out of a guy

if he had two teeth out.

Come on, put me under.

Take 'em all out and give me a nose job.

Give me a haircut.

[music playing]

[theme music]