06x09 - Boating Buddies/The Krabby Kronicle

[bunniefuu]

-Are you ready, kids?

-[kids] Aye-aye, Captain.

-I can't hear you.

-Aye-aye, Captain!

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple

Under the sea? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow

And porous is he ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ If nautical nonsense

Be something you wish ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Then drop on the deck

And flop like a fish ♪

-♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

-Ready?

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

[laughs]

[plays whistle]

, , , !

OK, Gary,

let's do the other side now.

Gary, can you hear that?

Oh, Squidward. It's you!

I thought I heard something.

SpongeBob, I've been sitting

here motionless for minutes.

What could you possibly

have heard me doing?

Breathing.

SpongeBob,

I'll give you five dollars

if you let me enjoy the rest

of my morning in peace.

-OK!

-[grumbles]

Hey! I coulda sworn

I had five dollars in here...

I have it, Squidward.

You gave it to me

to leave you alone yesterday!

Squidward, you can have

the five dollars back.

Mr. Krabs says...

I don't care what

Mr. Krabs says! I just want...

Coffee rain!

It's hot chocolate.

Chocolate rain!

[SpongeBob] Squidward!

-[screams]

-Squidward, wait!

[pants]

[struggles]

-It's locked!

-Squidward!

Squidward!

[screams, grunts]

Huh?

The key! Oh, where did

I put that stupid...

Squidward!

[mutters]

Squidward!

Oh, why can't I just find the...

-Squidward?

-What?! [pants heavily]

You left your keys

on the table back there.

-Hey, Squidward...

-Yes?

Didn't you used to have

one of those cucumber bicycles?

[laughs] That was

a recumbent bicycle.

-And I sold it.

-Why?

So I could get further away

from you!

[laughs]

OK, I'll see ya later then,

Squidward!

Bon Voyage, nincompoop!

[siren]

What the...

Can I help you, officer?

No.

But you can help yourself

to this ticket.

[gasps] Ticket?

Officer, Please!

I have impeccable boat smarts!

I pride myself in maintaining

an unsoiled driving record!

It's all that I have.

Well, you can have it again,

right after you complete

Boating School.

[stammers]

Boating School! [scoffs]

Ah, well, it's just one day

out of your life, Squiddy.

How bad could it be?

Oh, Squidward!

[cries]

Good morning, class.

Would everyone

please take a seat?

[chatter]

Psst! Squidward! Sit here!

-[whispers] Here.

-Um, excuse me,

there don't seem to be

any empty seats left.

There's one right

next to SpongeBob.

Do you mind?

Don't worry, Squidward.

We're Boating Buddies, now.

I'll teach you everything

I know, and then we can...

"We" won't be doing anything,

because there is no we.

-Understand?

-Quiet in the front, please.

[whispers] Oh, I understand.

I understand perfectly,

Boating Buddy!

OK, class. Why don't we get

to know our new students

by telling each other

why we were sentenced to--

I mean, why we are enrolled

in Boating School.

Um, I got caught speeding.

Very good! Next?

I don't see what's

so very good about it.

No, I didn't mean very...

[sighs] I know what you meant.

-Next?

-I'm here because my...

We all know why you're here,

SpongeBob.

-What about you, sir?

-What, me?

Yes! Would you like

to tell the rest of the class

why you're with us today?

-Why, I'm...

-[breathes heavily]

All right. I'll tell you.

I was trying

to get away from him!

[breathes heavily]

He is the bane of my existence!

Yours, too? [clears throat]

Uh, what I meant to say was,

please come up to the chalkboard

and draw a diagram

of the incident.

Gladly.

It all started

when I left my house...

And then he appeared.

He made an immediate right turn

and parked...

Here. Seeing the oncoming

hazard, I looked both ways

and proceeded safely

towards my vehicle.

It was then that I realized

I was being followed

at an unsafe distance!

So, in order to create more

optimal driving conditions,

I was forced to

then partake in...

-[chalk squeals]

-...evasive action.

[all groan]

And, by increasing speed

slightly,

I created a safety-cushion,

while inadvertently

attracting the attention

of said law enforcement

official.

May I sit down now,

sweet cheeks?

Why, certainly.

And perhaps now SpongeBob

would like to come up

and illustrate

his side of the story.

-His side?!

-Well, first I started over here

and then I went way over here.

Like that.

And then, I went around

like this, and over here,

and across this way,

and down here, and over here,

and then...

[intense violin music]

...and then I came around,

and stopped right here.

[all] SpongeBob and Squidward,

Best Boating Buddies Forever?

What the...

-Do you like it, Squidward?

-Shut it.

[bell rings]

Ah, lunchtime, eh,

boating buddy?

I'll have to eat over here.

Just like back in grade school.

Squidward, you got

any extra mustard in there?

[yells]

Mm. Bon appétit, Squiddy!

[toilet flushes]

[grunts]

You ruined my morning,

you've ruined my lunch,

and you're ruining my...

[stutters]

[bell rings]

OK, class. It's time for

our behind-the-wheel lesson.

Squidward, you'll be riding

with SpongeBob.

Yeah, I never saw that comin'.

Now, we're gonna take this

nice and slow.

SpongeBob, what do we do

when pulling away from the curb?

-Step on the gas?

-Good! Nice and easy.

Now, let's slowly...

[screams]

SpongeBob, look out!

-SpongeBob, gimme that wheel!

-I got it! I got it!

[grunts] Don't... Just...

-Let go of it!

-[wails]

Hooligans.

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

Johnson, I've finally

figured out a way

to shrink an ordinary mailman

down to the size

of a grain of sand!

-But how?

-By using this Shrink-Ray!

Mother of Mercy!

-Where'd they go?

-There!

They're headed right for

that discarded potato chip!

[roars]

-What's the matter?

-Potato chips are his favorite!

Johnson!

No!

No! No, no.

I never will understand

these city folk.

[SpongeBob] Hey!

Where'd Squidward go?

[whistles]

I was just leaving.

[bell rings]

OK, class, it's time

to take our final exam.

Please have your pencils ready.

Psst! Hey! Boating Buddy!

If you need any help,

I've taken this test

hundreds of times! I can...

How many times do I have to

tell you? I'm not your buddy!

I don't need your help,

and I don't need you. Ever!

Now, just kindly

let me take this stupid test

so I can get outta here

and never have to see you again

for the rest of my life!

OK, Squidward.

If that's the way you want it.

Thank you.

[grunts] Ha!

Three more minutes, class.

SpongeBob!

-SpongeBob, I need your help!

-[Mrs. Puff] Two more minutes.

SpongeBob, please!

This is important!

You said you didn't need

my help, Squidward.

-And that you didn't need me.

-No, no, I never said that.

I don't need your help,

and I don't need you!

Jerk.

All right, I said it,

but that was before!

-Before what?

-Before...

-Before...

-One more minute, class.

Before we were... [gulp]

Boating Buddies.

Yay!

-OK, class, time's up.

-[bell rings]

Time can't be up!

I didn't get a chance

to fill in a single answer!

What am I supposed to do?

You do the same thing

that everybody else does

who fails the test.

-You take it again next week!

-Next week?

Don't worry, I've never gotten

one answer right on this test!

But we'll meet again next week

at Mrs. Puff's Boating School!

[Squidward screams]

Order up!

How's it lookin' out there, boy?

Like two more satisfied

regulars, Mr. K.

I ain't interested in the same

old regulars, SpongeBob.

So I took out an ad

in the Bikini Bottom Examiner

to bring in some new customers.

'Twas a bargain, too.

Only cost me a nickel.

So, tell me now, boy,

how many new customers we got

out there so far?

Ooh, let me see, there was...

-None.

-What? What do you mean, none?

Don't these people

read the paper?

[blows]

Ooh. This thing hasn't

been touched in months.

While that paper is sellin'

like Krabby Patties.

Uh, pardon me, sir,

could I interest you in a copy

of the Examiner this fine day?

[laughs] Nobody reads

the Examiner, bud.

It's all fulla boring charts

and facts.

The Bottom Feeder

is where it's at.

It's got, like,

interesting stories and stuff.

[Krabs] "Fish Boy strikes

again." Wait a minute.

Aren't these stories

a little less than truthful?

I don't know,

but they're sellin'.

Yes, they certainly are.

Please, allow me.

-Thank you.

-No, thank you.

Now, let's see how much

they charge for advertising...

[screams] cents per word?

The newspaper business

sure is easy money.

-[cracking]

-[angelic singing]

That gives me an idea.

What a fantabulastical day,

eh, Squiddy?

Yep, another wonderful,

humdrum day slinging burgers.

[clang]

Off of your duff, boy!

You think I spend all last night

assembling this printing press

so you could laze around

all day?

From now on,

you'll be twice as busy,

and I expect you

to wear two hats.

Cos along with your usual

fry cookin' duties,

you're my lead reporter

for the new Krabby Kronicle!

Oh, my very own press badge.

That's right, boy.

And here's your very own camera.

You'll need it to document

all them juicy stories

you're gonna write.

Well, what are

you waitin' for, boy?

The public thirsts

for a juicy story, eh?

Hmm. But what kind of story

is juicy enough

to quench their dry

news gullets?

I don't even know

where to begin to look.

[alarm bell rings, shouting]

[pounding, alarm blares]

[roars]

No news to report here.

Stop the presses, it's Patrick!

And he appears to be

waiting for the bus!

This is the kind of story

my readers are waiting for.

-[flashbulb sound]

-Patrick Star?

I'm Scoop SquarePants

from the Krabby Kronicle.

Everyone's wondering,

what bus are you taking today?

Oh, I'm not taking a bus,

SpongeBob.

I am watching this pole.

So the next time it moves,

I will see it.

Whoa! This story is juicy.

[typing]

What a money-tastical day,

eh, Mr. Squidward?

Yeah, I'm just raking it in.

I'm excited about

all the newspaper sales, too.

We haven't sold any papers

today.

What do you mean,

we haven't sold any newspapers?

Certainly, this gentleman

would like a copy of

the Krabby Kronicle.

Looks boring.

Can I just have a Krabby Patty?

Too boring?

SpongeBob!

What's the meaning of this?

Meaning of what, Mr. Krabs?

"Local resident watches pole?"

No-one's gonna pay

to read this malarkey!

When you write these stories,

you gotta use

a little imagination, boy.

Imagination.

Yeah, maybe instead of,

"Man watches pole,"

you could say something like...

Oh... "Man Marries Pole."

Then you could alter the photo

a little to fit the headline...

See? Now, that's a juicy story.

Mr. Krabs, isn't that lying?

Don't think of it as lying, boy.

Think of it as a practical joke.

Y'know, something everybody

can have a good laugh about.

The public expects a little

embellishment here and there,

so I want you to go out there

and get me a lead story

that'll sell!

[flashbulb sound]

[laughs] Mrs. Puff

is gonna laugh her hat off

when she reads this!

Boating teacher

in high speed chase.

I think you've finally done it!

You've given me a story

that'll sell! And sell it has.

Yeah, but that isn't

the story I wrote.

That's called

editorial privilege, son.

It gives it that extra oomph

to move units.

Besides, how could

such a little news story

possibly affect Mrs. Puff

in any way?

I can't believe

such a little news story

could have ruined my business.

Let's see what there is to see.

Wait a minute.

Larry the Lobster?

Hmm. Wonder what kind of dirt

he has under those muscles.

Ah-ha! This looks shady.

Very shady.

Larry! Hey, tough guy.

Can I punch you in the gut?

Sure. Everybody does.

It won't hurt me a bit.

[flashbulb sounds]

[laughs]

Told you it wouldn't hurt.

-Thanks, big guy.

-See you around.

Very interesting.

[fish] Out! Out! Out!

-Hey, what's the big idea?

-Dis!

"Larry the Loser gets beaten up

by pipsqueak."

-B-but...

-No buts.

I can't have a wimp like you

destroying my gym's reputation.

You're banned forever!

-Hello, Larry!

-Not now, SpongeBob.

Let me take in the fact

that my life is ruined.

Ruined?

What're you talking about?

These lies someone wrote

about me.

[gasps]

Thanks for your business!

And here's your paper.

Mr. Krabs,

can I have a word with you?

Make it quick, boy,

these papers are sellin' faster

than we can print 'em!

That's exactly what I wanted

to talk to you about, sir.

I don't think these stories

are doing anyone any good.

Well, they're certainly

doing me some good.

Can you believe it?

Look at all this loot!

Yeah. But isn't there a way

we could write juicy stories

without hurting people?

[sighs] You just don't get it,

do you, boy?

We're not hurting anyone.

We're just making their lives

interesting for everybody else.

Now, get out there

and fetch another story.

Oh, Karen!

I think this is it.

The Chum Stick

that's finally gonna

drive Krabs out of business.

[giggles]

I think not.

I'm Health Inspector Yellowtail.

I'm officially

closing down your restaurant.

Why? I haven't done anything.

That's not what this says.

"Plankton's Chum

made of your Chums."

"The Chum Bucket serves your

friends in more ways than one."

What?

Who's to blame for this? Who?

[laughs] You're reachin' new

levels of imagination, boyo!

Yeah, I know.

What's wrong, boy?

You sick, or something?

Yes, Mr. Krabs.

You could say that.

Don't be silly, boy.

We're a success!

Mr. Krabs, we're hurting people.

Oh, baloney.

You better start feelin' right,

cos if you don't, you can

kiss yer spatula goodbye.

Mr. Krabs! You wouldn't!

Oh, darn tootin', I would.

Now, get out there

and bring me a juicy one.

Aye-aye, cap'n.

Sorry, fellas,

this is a private tree dome.

I had no idea it talked.

Don't worry, we're from

the Neptunian Science Committee.

And we've come to confiscate

all your science awards.

Haven't you read

today's headlines?

It can't even read.

Why are you...

Oh, gimme that!

"Sandy Cheeks or Sandy Chump?"

"Bushy-tailed brainiac

really a slow-witted squirrel."

"By SpongeBob SquarePants?"

That yellow sidewinder

thinks he can do that?

Oh, boy! We'd better scram.

The dumb ones

are always the most violent.

[grunts angrily]

[laughs]

You've really outdone yourself

this time.

[laughs]

Mr. Krabs, I can't write

these stories any more.

Come on.

That's a bunch of hooey.

I've seen people's lives

ruined with my own eyes.

People want wild, juicy stories.

That's what sells!

Now, I want your little,

yellow noggin

to come up with

the wildest story ever.

One that'll top all the others.

Gee, Mr. Krabs. I've written

about everyone in town.

-Any ideas, sir?

-Surprise me. Gimme a shocker.

Goodnight, boy. I'll check

on you tomorrow mornin'.

And remember,

the wildest story ever!

The wildest story ever, huh?

How's it goin', lad?

Uh-uh. It's a surprise.

Excellent! We're gonna

sell out in no time.

We'll have to do

another printing.

-[angry yelling]

-Huh?

-Task Master!

-What's goin' on?

You should know!

"Krabs overworks employees,

reaps reward?"

"Krabby Kronicle mastermind

behind bogus stories

pays his tired, underage

reporter pennies

while he rakes in the dough."

How could you do that

to such an innocent child?

It's sick and inhumane.

Not to mention the fact that

he's written lies about us.

I lost my restaurant

because of you.

And I thought I was evil.

All the kids in town wanna

beat me up for lunch money.

[sobs]

And I've had to go back to

watching day time television.

That's it.

We're taking our money back.

[angry yelling]

-[sobs]

-Mr. Krabs, are you OK?

How can I be OK

when me money's gone?

[sobs]

All gone! [sobs]

It just goes to show,

trying to make an easy buck

doesn't pay.

Or does it?

Get some scissors, boy-o.

It's time to use my imagination.

Hey, guys? Can you fix

me and the wife up

a couple of Krabby Patties?