06x15 - Grandpappy the Pirate/Cephalopod Lodge

[bunniefuu]

-Are you ready, kids?

-Aye-aye, Captain!

-I can't hear you.

-Aye-aye, Captain!

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple

Under the sea? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow

And porous is he ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ If nautical nonsense

Be something you wish ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Then drop on the deck

And flop like a fish ♪

-♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

-Ready?

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

[chortles]

[whistling]

Hey, I'm expecting

a -cent rebate check.

-Gimme, gimme, gimme.

-Sorry.

No check. But I've got this.

Hm, correspondence in a bottle,

eh?

"Ahoy, Eugene.

I'm so proud you followed

your old grandpa's peg leg

and became a pirate

that I'll be sailing by.

That vessel

better be well-oiled

or you'll be dancing

the short-planked jig.

Happy looting,

Grandpa Redbeard."

[screams] Grandpa Redbeard!

[yells garbled words]

I didn't know your grandpa

was a pirate, Mr. Krabs.

Aye, I come from

a whole family of pirates.

Gramps used to say,

"The Krabs clan has been pirates

for as long as we've had claws."

And he wanted me

to be a pirate, too.

[dreamy music]

[dramatic music]

One day you'll be

a plundering pirate

just like your old granddad

here. Har, har!

So I bought me a ship,

hired a crew.

Arr!

And for years I drifted

the high seas as a pirate.

[dramatic music]

And booty did abound.

I started to notice

a recurring theme.

[shrieks]

I just wasn't

turning enough profit!

So I fired my crew

and sold my ship.

It was also the last time

I saw my granddad.

Argh, if it ain't

me pirate grandson.

Well, actually, Grandpa,

I just sold...

You know how proud it makes me

to see me only grandson

continuing

in the family business.

Grandpa, I...

And I'll be keeping

me eye on your career

to see how you progress.

Just remember, the only rule in

the pirate's code of honor

is never tell a lie.

[groans]

For all he knows, the Krusty

Krab is a pirate ship.

If he were to find out

the truth,

it would break his salty,

barnacle-encrusted heart.

[sobs]

Why don't we just

make the Krusty Krab

look like a pirate ship?

Hm, not a bad idea, boy.

But we need a first-rate crew.

We've got Squidward, and I

could get Patrick to join up.

[sighs] Yeah...

Alright, me hearties,

get this one thing clear.

If Grandpa Redbeard is ever

going to believe I'm a pirate,

ye landlubbers is going to have

to pass for a pirate crew.

[thoughtful music]

Which means I want you

to look like a pirate!

I want you to

talk like a pirate.

Swarthy!

I mean, shiver me timbers.

But most importantly,

I want you to smell

like a pirate.

[sniffs]

Argh...

Very convincing, Patrick.

And as me crew,

you'll be making the Krusty Krab

into an imitation pirate ship.

Now, let's get this restaurant

ready to sail!

[triumphant music]

[giggles]

[triumphant music continues]

Way to go, fellas!

[distant yell]

He's coming!

[cackles wickedly]

-Hold me, boy.

-Eugene, me boy!

Ah, it's good to see you and

your ship after so many moons.

Just beginning to think you

was lying to your old granddad.

Oh! [laughs nervously]

[clears throat]

So, have you met me hearties?

Hmm.

You call this a pirate crew?

They more resemble jelly fishers

than swarthy brine skimmers.

-Um...

-[cackles]

I'm just yanking your chain,

boy.

You look like a fun pirate crew.

-[sighs]

-Now, let's see what

this rusty old pelican can do.

-Let's sail!

-[all] Aye, sir!

Ahoy, captain!

We be catching a mighty gale

from the north-east.

Indeed, indeed.

And just look at the

treacherous surf in our path.

Oh, that salty sea air

be so thick,

you can almost taste it.

Aye. I better take the helm

and guide us to safer waters.

Aye, that be a wicked-sounding

wind out there, hey, Granddad?

I said, "Aye, that be a

wicked-sounding wind out there!"

Oh!

[wind noises play]

There it is. That wind storm

I mentioned earlier.

[ghostly noise plays]

Oh, and apparently the cabin

is haunted as well.

What's a hair net

doing on a pirate ship?

Well, ah, oh...

Any pirate knows that the

majority of his daily nutrition

comes from whatever

hair or skin flakes

fall off of the cook

and into the stew.

This hair net

is depriving your crew

of their essential nutrients.

Uh... just a sec.

Look out, Grandpa,

we're under att*ck!

[screeches]

Aye, look at the size

of that beast.

Not to worry, Granddad.

[chuckles] That's the stuff!

[grunts] Heee-ya!

Eh, good toss, hey, Granddad?

-What?

-Oh, nothing.

Look!

-[chuckles] That's me boy.

-Clear!

Hooray!

-Whoo-hoo!

-[loud thump]

Sounds like we got a prize.

Ready, Squidward?

You owe me big time, Mr. Krabs.

Argh! Take that, you!

You scurvy dog, you!

Whoo! Check the size of it,

Granddad.

Granddad, check the... Granddad?

Ahoy! Trouble approaching quick.

Approximately ten clicks

off the starboard bow.

Man your battle stations!

Oh, no,

if Granddad sees something,

it must be the real deal!

What do you got,

cotton in your ears? Move!

[all scream]

[pants]

What exactly

are we dealing with, Grandpa?

Something more hideous

than I've ever seen.

A raving, gargantuan banshee

with a coarse matted mane

of tangled locks.

[squeals] Sounds repulsive.

Yeah. It must be destroyed.

Here, see for yourself.

-Go get it, Granddad!

-[voice wails] Dad!

Wait a minute, what kind of

disgusting, horrible aberration

dare inv*de my vessel?

-Dad!

-[squeals]

That disgusting horrible thing

is my daughter!

Open up!

Prepare to meet your maker,

sea witch.

-No!

-What are you doing?

Oh. I was...

just checking the cannon,

making sure it was loaded.

-Papier-mâché? What is this?

-I can explain...

[roars] Dad! Dad!

Now it's even more angry!

Don't worry,

I have it under control.

-Daddy!

-Pearl, could you pipe down?

Your Great-grandad Redbeard

is in there.

[giggles]

What's with the lame outfit?

Oh!

Never mind that. Just go home.

[cracking noise]

I bet you're wondering

about that.

You're darn-tootin' I am.

[gurgles]

Do you mind?

[wind noises keep cutting out]

What kind of ship

are you running here?

Just a second.

-Argh...

-[alarm bells ring]

Now, Granddad,

there's a simple explanation.

I've smelt a lot of

stinky things,

but nothing smells stinkier

than a lie.

There's a code

that all pirates live by.

You knows what it is, don't ya?

[laughs nervously]

Course I do, Granddad.

Well, then? Say it!

OK, it's...

it's, it's....

a pirate never lies!

[sobs]

And I've been a dirty liar!

Everything you've seen is a lie.

This sail is a lie.

[ripping noise]

This crew is a lie.

Even this ship is a lie!

All of it!

All a lie!

Krabby Patties $ . .

Krusty Combo $ . .

Coral Bits $ . !

So you see, Granddad,

I'm no pirate.

Just a lowly restaurant owner.

[sobs] I'm sorry I failed you.

Failed me, boy? [cackles]

Why, I couldn't be more proud.

Look at your ludicrous prices.

Now, that's real piracy.

You've done good, boy-o.

Really? Thanks, Granddad.

Why, you can thank yourself,

lad.

You created this dynasty

on your own!

Now I'll be taking me leave,

boy.

Goodbye, Granddad.

What an honest man.

[tearing and crashing]

I hope you don't mind, boy-o,

but I helped myself

to a little bit of your booty.

[laughs]

I knew I'd got me talent

from someone!

[chuckles]

♪ Working at the Krusty Krab ♪

♪ Working at the Krusty Krab

La, la, la ♪

Squidward?

Squidward?

[clicks fingers]

-Squidward, are you OK?

-Hm? Oh! I couldn't be better!

[yells] Mr. Krabs!

It happened again, Mr. Krabs.

-What are you talking about?

-It's Squidward.

What is it about the third

Wednesday of every month

that makes Squidward so happy?

-Psst. Squidward.

-Roger, is that you?

-Tonight's the big night.

-[gasps]

[mysterious music]

These camouflage outfits

should help us find out

what Squidward's secret

Wednesday secret is.

[giggles]

[door creaks]

[mysterious music continues]

[music intensifies]

Hello, Brother Roger.

Come right in,

Brother Squidward.

Thank you.

[classical string music]

Ah, this almost makes the other

days worth living for.

[cymbals crash]

[excited whispering]

For centuries, cephalopods

have had but one nemesis.

Let he among you who wishes

to join the lodge

face your greatest fear.

Cantankerous moray illius.

[all gasp]

Huh?

[whimpers]

I'll never forget

my initiation ceremony.

[zapping noise]

[cheering, applause]

-Yeah! Way to go!

-Yeah!

[all gasp]

SpongeBob! Patrick!

Did you follow me here?

Brother Squidward?

For thousands of years,

no outsiders have witnessed

this sacred initiation.

You have desecrated

the sanctity of this lodge.

But, but... I, I, I...

[all scream]

Oh, I can't believe it!

They kicked me out of

the Cephalopod Lodge.

Do we get to join the lodge?

Were you dropped on your head

when you were a baby?

[gasps] How did you know?

Psychic powers.

Hey, where's Patrick?

Maybe he got to join the lodge?

[thud]

Or maybe not. They didn't

let you join, either?

Nah, I found the institution

had nothing left to offer me.

I was stagnating.

-Hey, where's Squidward?

-Hold on.

[grunts]

Found Squidward.

The last thing in my life

I really enjoyed.

And SpongeBob ruined it, too.

[groans]

At least you still have the hat.

Yeah, I do, don't I?

[clears throat]

You still have your robes.

You still have your underwear.

-[tearing noise]

-No!

-You can look now!

-Don't you worry, Squidward.

I'm sure if Patrick and I

just explain what happened,

they're sure to let you back in.

What is it?

Oh, it's you two.

We just came to explain

that Squidward had no idea

that we followed him to the

lodge, so it's not his fault.

-Yeah, not his fault.

-Then whose fault was it?

Is it my fault?

No, it wasn't your fault,

Patrick.

Thanks, SpongeBob. And it wasn't

your fault, either.

Well, if it wasn't your fault

and it wasn't Squidward's fault,

whose fault was it?

Uh... maybe it's your fault.

Squidward is never allowed

in this lodge again!

SpongeBob! Are they letting me

back in the lodge?

No. You can't set foot

in the lodge.

Ever!

Oh, now that you two have ruined

the last good thing in my life,

I think I'll go home

and slam my head in the door.

Repeatedly.

Squidward! Wait!

I'm sorry we got you

kicked out of your lodge.

Is there anything I can do

to make it up to you?

No! Why didn't you just

make up your own dumb club

instead of ruining mine?

That's it!

Squidward!

We'll make our own club!

And it'll be so much better

than that dumb old

Cephalalala Lodge.

And you can be our leader.

How great does that sound,

oh, mighty one?

Want to join our club, Patrick?

Dog pile on Squidward!

Squidward, you're the lodge

expert. What do we do first?

-Say goodbye.

-[door slams]

-[all] Goodbye!

-Morons.

So, anyway, Squidward,

I was thinking

we should be working on

-our secret lodge initiations.

-Hey.

Patrick and I have come up

with a secret handshake.

-Secret.

-[mystical music]

[both] ♪ Patty cake

Patty cake, sailor man ♪

-♪ Bake me a cake as fast... ♪

-SpongeBob!

That's not a secret handshake.

Everybody knows Patty Cake.

-Not the way we do it.

-We don't use our pinkies!

[screeches] Out!

I don't think Squidward

wants to join our lodge.

Oh, sure he does.

He just needs a little push.

-[knock on door]

-Oh, what now?

I'm coming!

What do you... Great, must be

one of SpongeBob's pranks.

[thrilling music]

Let's move.

[muffled screams]

OK, we can let him out now.

Are you insane?

You kidnapped me?

Oh, we didn't kidnap you!

We just brought you here for...

-Initiation.

-What? What kind of initiation?

A very special initiation.

Oh, boy, look at the time,

got to run.

Would you care to go first,

Brother Patrick?

After you, Brother SpongeBob.

-[buzzing noise]

-Ah....

-[zapping noise]

-Ow! Ow! Oh!

-[mumbles] Brother Patrick.

-Brother SpongeBob.

[zapping noise]

[screams]

[mumbles] Brother Squidward.

[screams]

-[tongue throbs]

-Ow.

[knock on door]

What's this? Can it be...?

My lodge robes.

I'm back in the lodge!

I gotta try them on.

Huh? This can't be right.

These aren't

my Cephalopod robes.

[giggling]

They sure aren't! They're

your uniform for your new lodge.

Welcome to the first

official meeting of...

the Feather Friends.

Feather Friends?

Someone already had

Feather Buddies.

Yeah, those Feather Buddies

better hope they don't

run into us in a dark alley.

[groans]

I don't want to be

a Feather Buddy!

Do you still want to be

a Feather Friend?

[groans]

No.

Oh, Squidward, I hadn't realized

how special your lodge

was to you.

I'll get you back in that club,

and I know just how to do it.

Everything we need

is in this drawer.

-A sock?

-Not just a sock.

A disguise. Patrick and I

will climb inside the sock

and pretend to be

a giant albino eel.

We will then gain entrance

to the lodge

and frighten everyone inside.

Once they're good and terrified,

you, Squidward, will storm in,

defeat that giant eel and

rescue all of the lodge members.

You'll be a hero, Squidward.

They'll have to let you

back in the lodge.

It's genius.

But I see one flaw in your plan.

-One flaw?

-That sock is way too small.

Yeah, it is. Time to break out

the heavy a*tillery.

That's what I'm talking about!

OK, Squidward,

just give us five minutes,

then do your stuff.

Hm...

[footsteps]

This is ridiculous.

No-one is dumb enough to believe

SpongeBob and Patrick

are a giant albino eel!

[roaring]

Unbelievable.

-Squidward!

-Look out!

There's a giant albino eel

on the loose.

[clears throat]

Do not worry. I will save you.

Be gone, foul beast,

or I will smite thee.

-[moans]

-Argh! Oof!

[cheering]

[all chant] Squidward!

Squidward! Squidward! Squidward!

[triumphant music]

[SpongeBob and Patrick cheer]

-Whoo!

-Yay!

-Way to go, Squidward!

-It worked!

-[all mutter angrily]

-[laughs nervously]

Whoa... whoa.

[all scream]

Don't worry, Squidward, we

still have the Feather Friends!

But you'll have to pass

the initiation again.

[shrieks]

[zapping noise,

Squidward screams]