06x17 - Shuffleboarding/Professor Squidward

[bunniefuu]

-Are you ready, kids?

-[kids] Aye, aye, Captain.

-I can't hear you.

-[kids] Aye, aye, Captain!

Oh...

♪ Who lives in a pineapple

Under the sea? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow

And porous is he ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ If nautical nonsense

Be something you wish ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Then drop on the deck

And flop like a fish ♪

-♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

-Ready?

[all] ♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

[Captain laughs heartily]

[pipes a jaunty tune]

[narrator] Shady Shoals,

mild-mannered rest home

and secret headquarters

of Mermaid Man,

master of maritime justice

and defender of Bikini Bottom.

Semi-retired.

And his faithful ward,

Barnacle Boy.

-Who?

-Hello.

Today, we find

this duo of dynamism

engaged in their favorite

pastime, watching TV.

[snoring]

But wait, what's this?

Why, it's Mermaid Man and

Barnacle Boy's biggest fans,

SpongeBob SquarePants

and Patrick Star.

Don't they look peaceful?

Yeah.

Wake up!

[screaming]

I'll deal with

these super-villains

with my trusty mermarang!

Hey, those aren't

super-villains.

Hi, Mermaid... ow.

I can't believe Mermaid Man

hit me with his mermarang.

-It's so awesome.

-Wow. Can you beat me up next?

Keep on your guard,

Barnacle Boy.

They're getting ready

for another attack!

Those aren't super-villains.

It's just that kid, uh,

SpongeBob, and his goofy friend.

Hey, kid, can you give us

our mermarang back?

We only got the one.

-Sure thing.

-Oh, don't throw... [grunts]

-Hey, it came back.

-Yeah, it does that.

-I'll try again.

-No... [grunts]

Look, I'll just come and get--

What is wrong with you?

-[grunts]

-Nice shot.

Wow, that mermarang

really likes you.

I know.

Now, just hand me

the mermarang, son.

-[grunts]

-I've got it!

[both] Runaway mermarang!

[screaming]

-[birds tweeting]

-[grunts]

[screaming]

[grunting]

Ow.

[siren wails]

Hi. How you feeling?

-Would you get off of me?

-OK.

[grunts] What are you two

doing here, anyway?

Oh, I almost forgot.

I brought you flowers.

Since you two

are feeling so poorly.

You never brought me flowers.

Patrick, go home

and check your mailbox.

Really?

-[phone ringing]

-The merma-phone.

-Mermaid Man, here.

-[phone ringing]

[record scratch]

Mermaid Man here.

Ah, Commissioner,

what can I do for you?

[voice squawks]

You can count on Mermaid Man,

Commissioner.

It's for you.

Barnacle Boy here.

-[voice squawks]

-Yes, but...

-[voice squawks]

-Yes.

-Yes, Commissioner, but, uh...

-[line goes dead]

The police commissioner needs us

to be celebrity contestants

at the Bikini Bottom

shuffleboarding competition.

But there's no way we can do it

in this condition.

What kind of quitter talk

is that? We're superheroes.

We're going to that

shuffleboarding competition,

or my name isn't...

-[arm cracks]

-Ow!

You're right, Barnacle Boy.

If only there were someone

to take our place...

Patrick and I could do it,

Mermaid Man!

What?

Why should we trust you two?

Because we're card-carrying

members of the fan club.

-So?

-We're also certified

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy

impersonators.

Certified.

You can't argue

with certification.

Oh, all right. I suppose

they can't do too much damage.

-It's just shuffleboard--

-[cheering]

♪ We're gonna be heroes

We're gonna be heroes ♪

-Would you cut it out?

-Heroes, heroes, he...roes?

Now listen up.

Here, take these rings.

[both] Oh...

And when you touch 'em together,

you'll be instantly transformed

into our duplicates.

[giggling excitedly]

[both] Mermaid Man

and Barnacle Boy, unite!

-We're ready. Man-Bob...

-And Pat-Boy...

[both] Reporting for duty.

When you're through

with shuffleboarding,

you're to bring those costumes

right back here.

And don't do anything else.

Don't go home first,

don't show your friends,

just come right back here,

you got it?

-Got it.

-Got what?

-This'll never work.

-What will never work?

[both] Shuffleboarding,

shuffleboarding!

[cheering]

Shuffleboarding is exciting,

huh, Patrick?

Well, duh.

What's your favorite thing

about shuffleboarding?

Everything. It's even fun

just to say the word.

[speaks slowly] Shuffleboard.

[rolls word around]

Shu-u-uffle-le-leboard...

Ah, it is fun.

We're gonna seriously

kick some elderly buns today.

-Huh, SpongeBob?

-What?

Out of the way, Gramps. [grunts]

That's my trophy, old lady.

[grunts]

Patrick?

It's gonna be an action-packed

thrill ride

of geriatric proportions!

And the best part is,

there is no way we can lose

with these costumes on.

-We already won the tournament.

-Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Well, how come

I didn't get a trophy?

You did,

it's in your back pocket.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

-Let's go do something else.

-OK.

You're to bring

those costumes right back here.

Don't do anything else.

[gasps] Patrick, stop!

[gasps] We can't. We have to

get the costumes back.

For Neptune's sake, SpongeBob.

If we're not gonna

go around town

pretending to be Mermaid Man

and Barnacle Boy, then who is?

Nobody?

Exactly. And with no-one

patrolling the town,

who's gonna stop those

youngsters from loitering?

[giggling]

-Their mommies?

-No, we are.

-Let's take 'em to the slammer.

-Patrick!

Don't you think

that's too harsh?

"Too harsh"?

Explain.

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy?

What are you doing here? Ugh.

[screams]

Wasting a Krabby Patty?

How could you?

I'm full.

Well, maybe somebody

should've thought about that

before they ponied up

for the world's greatest patty,

Mr. Jail Warden.

You're right, Pat-Boy,

this town needs us.

You're chewing too loud.

[grunts] Ow.

-Your shoe's untied.

-[grunting]

You're too old.

[jail doors clang]

I think we've done our work,

Patrick.

Now, let's return

these costumes.

[hums]

[gasps] That's the evil Man-Ray.

[hums]

What diabolical plan

could he be up to?

Why, hello, Ray.

Mabel, I haven't seen you

since high school.

Look at him.

Plotting with his evil minion.

Say, could I borrow

some of your detergent?

Why, certainly.

Anything for the gal

I went to the prom with.

I'll bet he's handing off

some secret w*apon.

-Time to crash this party.

-You haven't aged a day, Ray.

Oh, you. [chuckles]

Hello, Man-Ray.

Who's your friend?

Hey, Mermaid Man

and Barnacle Boy.

I'd like you to meet Mabel.

Any friend of Ray's

is a friend of mine.

All right, Mabel,

that's enough chit-chat.

Are you gonna come quietly,

or will we have to

take you to jail by force?

Playing dumb, eh?

You handle Man-Ray.

I'll take care of his lackey.

-[Patrick roars]

-Mabel?

Hai-yah!

Eat dryer sheets, Man-Ray.

[grunts]

Oh, it's on, now.

Filthy shorts attack!

-[screams]

-Clothes basket bombardment!

[grunts]

Surrender... Mermaid Man?

[grunts] Ow, that's it.

Time for the spin cycle.

[gasps]

Not so fast, Man-Ray.

Wha...?

You're all wet.

You need to dry out.

What? No, my head

is dry clean only...

[high-pitched]

But I didn't do anything!

-Just keep moving.

-You too, missy.

Well, our work is done here.

[metal groans]

-[groaning]

-My legs, my legs...

-Dr. Forrest, dial one...

-Good job, boys.

You won the tournament,

and returned the costumes.

Thanks again, boys.

-Just doing our merma-duty.

-And then some.

[laughs]

"And then some," that's good.

Good-bye, young men.

Oh, look, we have more visitors.

[shouting]

Looking good, Man-Ray.

[angry shouting]

Faster, you old coot.

[clamoring]

They have so many fans.

[clamoring]

[applause and cheering]

Thank you. Thank you.

[sniffs] Ah.

-Isn't it grand?

-What is?

He's such a great musician.

He doesn't even have to touch

an instrument to be brilliant!

[cheering]

All right, I've had enough.

Bunch of nonsense.

Why, here he comes now.

-[gasps] It is him.

-Huh?

Aren't you the esteemed

Squilliam Fancyson the third,

who we all came here

to see perform tonight?

No, I am not.

Nor would I ever want to be.

I am quite content being

Squidward Q. Tentacles.

-Oh, dear. Well, that's too bad.

-Why?

Because I'm head matron

at an esteemed musical college

in town,

and thought if you were

Squilliam Fancyson,

I would offer you

the high-paying

and prestigious opportunity

to come there and teach

your very own music class.

My very own music class?

Did you say,

"Squilliam Fancyson"?

-Yes.

-I'm...

Squilliam Fancyson.

But didn't you

just say a minute ago

that your name was

Squidward Q. Tentacles?

It is. No, I mean,

uh, no, no, I didn't.

Well, that's a relief.

I mean, what kind of a moron

would go to their

worst enemy's music recital?

A very pathetic one,

that's whom.

Indeed. [laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs loudly]

Oh.

Well, good evening,

Professor Squilliam.

Who? Uh, um, uh, and a good

evening to you, as well.

Hmm, music types.

Oh, they're so strange.

[school bell ringing]

[door opens]

[clears throat]

Good evening, students.

-Now our first...

-[all] Good evening, Professor.

As I was saying...

Our first...

Yes.

Aren't you gonna write

your name on the board

like most professors do?

My... my name? What for?

Well, you know,

it just seems like

teachers usually write

their names on the board

the first day of class.

[sighs] Why don't you come

write your name on the board?

We'll see how you like it.

[scoffs] Ok.

There, now how does that feel,

"Billy"?

OK, I, I guess.

Good. Now, why don't you

take your seat,

and stop poking your nose

into other people's business?

Now, if we can go

for five minutes

without having

any further interruptions,

I would like to...

[laughs] Hey, look, it's Squid--

Uh, "Squilliam," everybody,

he was about to say "Squilliam."

Oh, uh, oh, actually, I think

he was about to say "Squid--"

Didn't you two nincompoops know

I had my name legally changed

to "Squilliam Fancyson"?

And you are to refer to me

only as Professor Squilliam

from now until the end of time.

Now blink twice,

so I know you understand.

OK, good.

Hey, he blinked three times.

Wow, only eight minutes in,

and we've already been given

a math quiz.

Very advanced music class,

huh, Patrick?

I'll say.

Would you two numbskulls

mind telling me

what you're doing

in music class, anyway?

Sure. Patrick's resolution was

to learn to play an instrument.

You told me your resolution

was to sign up for

an all-natural,

slimming, toning,

and increased muscle mass

program.

It was. I traded with SpongeBob.

And I have been really happy

with the results, see?

Wow, those are

impressive results.

[school bell rings]

[clears throat] As you may not

be aware, music is a...

[SpongeBob laughs]

-Music is a...

-[SpongeBob laughs]

-Is a complicated series of...

-[SpongeBob laughs]

Is a complicated series

of notes that...

[laughs]

SpongeBob, do you mind?

There are other people here

besides you, you know.

I don't think they appreciate

you depriving them of my wisdom.

[sighs] I'm sorry,

"Professor Squilliam."

Patrick here keeps

tickling my foot.

No way, he's making that up.

It was him.

You expect me to believe

he was tickling himself?

You better tell him, SpongeBob.

All right, it was me.

-You were tickling yourself.

-Mm-hmm.

-How?

-Like this.

[laughs]

All right, that's enough!

There. Now, as I was saying,

music is a series of complex...

[SpongeBob laughs]

SpongeBob, I told you

to stop tickling yourself.

Actually, that time...

it really was me.

Now I'm going to put some notes

on the chalkboard.

[whispers indistinctly]

Excuse me? Is this something

you'd like to share

with the rest of the class?

Uh-uh.

Go on, you've already

interrupted once.

You might as well tell us

what was so very important.

Well...

I was just saying that

these lines you drew

remind me of a railroad track.

I've never heard anything

more insipid, insane,

uninteresting or irrelevant.

Well, actually,

there was a railroad convention

in town last week,

and I bought myself this

nifty conductor's cap.

I have never seen a more

ridiculous-looking object

on top of anybody's head

anywhere.

Well, I don't know.

Suits my needs.

What else did you buy

at this convention?

Your very own locomotive?

[laughs]

-Yes.

-[laughs] What the?

[whistle toots]

Now, where were...

we?

This is what's known

as a metronome.

Hey, my mom has one of those

in her garden.

Oh, no, SpongeBob.

That was a garden gnome.

[clears throat] Anyway.

The metronome

helps us keep time.

(ticks)

[both] Tick, tick,

tick, tick, tick...

Tick, tick, tick, tick....

Do you mind?

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...

Is there something seriously

wrong with your heads?

My whole life has been

pointed in one direction.

I see that now.

There's never been

any choice for me.

Would you two nincompoops

cut it out?

-Or am I gonna...

-[knock at door]

Hello. We're with the local

Bikini Bottom news channel.

-I'm a reporter.

-[gasps]

We're here to conduct

an interview

with the esteemed musical genius

Squilliam Fancyson.

[both] Tick, tick,

tick, tick, tick...

-Please ignore them.

-Are those students of yours?

Nope, they're just morons.

You two, snap out of it.

They appear to be

in some type of trance.

A case of genuine hypnosis like

this makes a much hotter scoop.

Hotter scoop?

Well, it's the sort of thing

that borders on the paranormal.

Our viewers just

eat that stuff up.

Paranormal? The only thing

paranormal around here

is how fast I'm gonna

make you two disappear.

Don't blame me...

Blame the market.

[grunts and pants,

school bell rings]

What, where am I?

I felt like I was in

some sort of horrible trance.

-You want to know what happened?

-[both] OK.

You once again managed to

single-handedly annihilate

what might be the one and only

chance I may ever get

to sow just one tiny seed

of creative hope

into the culturally barren

wasteland

that each and every one of us

is forced to call home.

Actually, I've been

commuting from upstate.

Now, I don't suppose you two

have anything to say

for yourselves?

Well, I guess if I was

to say one thing,

it would have to be...

We're sorry, Squidward.

Yeah, we're sorry, Squidward.

[stammers] No-no-no,

shh-shh-shh.

Hey, did those guys

just call you Squidward?

No-no-no-no,

they said Squilliam.

Oh, I knew this guy

was a phony from minute one.

I'm getting out of here.

Yeah, me too.

I'm gonna get my tuition back.

-No, wait.

-[students clamoring]

No! You're not going anywhere.

What, what's going on here?

Sorry, professor,

your little symphony is over.

It's true,

we're on to your little ruse.

What a hot scoop.

The real Squilliam,

as we all know,

has a large, bushy unibrow just

at the base of his forehead.

-But...

-No unibrow.

Squidward Q. Tentacles,

I'm placing you under arrest

-for impersonating a genius.

-[handcuffs clicking]

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...