08x19 - Springtime for David

[bunniefuu]

( harmonica wails )

$ .

( laughs )

What are you,
a wimp?

Put your money
where your mouth is.

All right, $ .

You're a sucker.
You're gonna lose.

Get your turtle.

( groaning )
oh god.

Okay, on the count
of three. Ready?

Both:
one, two, three.

Come on,
lightning.

Go down, jerry.

- come on, lightning
- jerry, check it out.

Come on, lightning.
Come on, lightning.

Come on, jerry, crawl.
Crawl like the wind.

What are
you doing?

Baby vs. Turtle,
sport of kings.

Come on, jerry.

You're using our
baby brother for sport?
That is sick.

When he was asleep
we were using him
for third base.

You're gonna
traumatize this kid.

No, growing up in
this household is gonna
traumatize the kid.

b*ating the turtle is his only
sh*t at self-esteem.

Come on, jerry.

You're lucky,
Darlene, the kid
was gonna lose.

He didn't stand a chance
against lightning.

As ridiculous
as this is, d.J.,

Jerry clearly could've
beaten that turtle.

Yeah, maybe
in a distance race,
but not in a sprint.

My baby brother

Could mop the floor
with that reptile.

Yeah, well I
got bucks that
says otherwise.

You're on.

Come on, lightning.
Come on.

Come on, jerry.

Crawl, damn it!

Crawl like the wind.
Come on, jerry.

( door shuts )

Give me five
on the turtle.

- come on, jerry!
- come on, lightning!

D.J., d.J., what the
heck are you doing?

The picture's all screwy.
I'm just trying to fix it.

Never never
punch a tv, son.

There are tools for
situations like this.

Hey, everyone,
guess what?
Guess what?

You cracked ' ".

I got a job.
I got a really great job.

Call a mover.
Call a really great mover.

I don't think
you need a mover

For five sweatsocks
and a tear stained diary.

Congratulations.

Now nothing in
this world can
hold you back

Except your association
with this family.

I'm really proud of you, pal.
If you save up for
a couple of months

You can get that studio
apartment you had your eye on.

No, I don't even need
it anymore.

That's the best part
of the job.

I have to work weekends,
but they provide meals
and housing.

David, you've
become a priest.

No, it's even
better than that.

I am going to be
working at edelweiss
gardens amusement park.

Oh, wow!
That's like the coolest
place in the whole state.

Last year a whole family
got crushed to death

On one of those
twirling beer steins.

That's how
I want to go.

I met the recruiter
today at the mall.

They interviewed
me on the spot

And said that I
was perfect edelweiss
gardens material.

Rock on, liebchen.

Remember how sad
we were last week

When we had to
leave disneyworld?

Now it's gonna be
like I get to live
in an amusement park.

You get to wear
shorts and knee socks.

You won't look
like too much of a fem.

No, actually they
said they can probably
find a place for me

In their art department.
I'm gonna go call Darlene

And then i'm
gonna leave notice
at the pizza place.

Hey, don't forget
your severance pizzas.

Nice room, David.

No windows
to wash.

Kind of like
living in an empty
swimming pool.

Yeah, with no
pesky distractions.

Is it night?
Is it day?

Did I miss spring?

It used to
be a days inn.

Wow, they really
fixed this place up.

Don't these
banks and banks

Of fluorescent lights
drain your energy?

I think they
give you energy.

Hi, everybody, i'm doug.
I'll be david's roommate.

You must be David.

Yeah, hi.

My my my, what
a fun looking group.

It's not even noon
yet and the kid's
plastered.

This is Mr.
And Mrs. Conner,
and this is Jackie.

Hi, everyone.
It's great to have
you here.

But you should
know in the future

There are no
visitors allowed in
the men's residence.

You don't have to
worry about that.

David's not
very popular.

( all laugh )

Okay.

Well...

I'll get your "welcome
to edelweiss" packet from
Mr. Schlosser's office.

Who's Mr. Schlosser?

He's our
chief instructor.

He's terrific.
And i'm not just saying
that 'cause I have to.

Man, if he's not
employee of the week,

I'd like to
see who is.

Hey, look--

The guy who
founded the joint.

I heard he had
himself frozen
after he d*ed.

Remind me not to
eat the snow cones
around here.

You're going to
be busy, David.

You got breakfast at : ,
calisthenics at : ,

Animatronics
repair class at : .

You're gonna do more
before : a.M. Than
most people do all day.

Sounds pretty
grueling, bud.

You sure you
just don't want
to get married?

Here you go, David,
everything you'll need.

Doug, I was looking
at your itinerary there.
I got to tell you--

You shouldn't
read things on the wall
in here, Jackie.

Say goodbye now, David.

Smile practice
in minutes,

Where you learn
to be friendly to
the customers.

Wow, it's amazing.

It's like he's
got one regular
smile, you know,

And then
there's that one.

Man, David,
you're gonna be a
busy boy around here.

( laughing )
David can handle it.

He's one of us now.

There it is again.

Well... I guess we ought
to get out of your hair.

Yeah, you guys
probably want to
take some time,

Get acquainted,
you know...

Talk about your
girlfriends back
in the states.

Well, thanks
for helping me
move in here.

And thanks for,
you know, everything.

We're still gonna
be seeing you all
the time, David.

Jackie:
well, yeah.

Yeah, now that
you can get us into
the park for free.

Ha ha! Or--
or even if we
have to pay.

You know, 'cause
that would be darn
well worth it.

We should go.

You're gonna be
okay here, right, David?

Oh yeah, sure.

Uh, well...

Remember to
write us every day.

And don't forget
to include a photo
of yourself

Holding up that
day's newspaper.

How did you get used
to these ties?

Getting up
so early?

( chuckles )
one sets one's
mind to it--

Simply a matter of
dominating the will.

Oh, see, i'm usually
the dominatee.

Good morning.

All:
morning, Mr. Schlosser.

Good morning,
Mr. Schlosser.

Are you fresh
to our ranks?

Yes, sir.
David healy.

Uh... Ahoy.

Sir.

And how are
we fitting in?

Oh, pretty good.
Pretty good.

Nice people.
I've already
met some of you.

Couldn't tell you
which ones, but...

Thank you,
Mr. Healy.

Today's topic is
character assimilation.

This is where
you learn not
just to play

But to be the park's
signature mascot

Hans the hare.

( laughing )

Sorry.

It's just that button nose,
I couldn't help myself.

Yes, hans
is very funny.

( all laughing )

But remember, hans is not
purely a comedian

Like a stan laurel
or a sinbad;

Hans is an all-around
entertainer.

He sings, he dances,
he has a fitness video.

It's a full-body workout.
It's wonderful.

Now that you've
read your "hans
the hare" manual

Tell me...

What is this hans

Doing wrong?

Hans does not
wave constantly,
but intermittently.

Good!

Hans only
spins clockwise.

Excellent!

David healy...

What is hans
doing wrong now?

Uh, his ears
aren't pointing to
: and : ?

Look, i'm sorry.

I didn't have time to read
my manual last night.

I was so tired after those
wind sprints.

Class, help
Mr. Healy.

All:
hans doesn't sit.

"a sitting bunny
is an invitation
to mayhem."

Listen,
Mr. Schlosser,

I'm not sure i'm
supposed to be here learning
about how to play hans.

I draw, I paint.
I was told I was going to be
in the art department.

How many
of you here

Are on the waiting list
for the art department?

Mr. Healy,

If you're having second
thoughts about joining
the edelweiss family

Then by all
means vacate your
room and leave.

Vacate my room?

No no, Mr. Schlosser,
i'll stay.

I'll stay and i'll be
the best damn--

( all gasp )

Darn hans the hare
there ever was.

I thought I was done
filling out forms when
we got this prison job.

Every day they
send me something new.

- i'm getting writer's cramp.
- ( knocking on door )

See if they
got any forms
for workman's comp.

Hey, I heard
something on the news

About these government
contractors getting all these
kickbacks, you know?

Find out
how that works.

Hi, Mrs. Conner.
May I come in?

I'm sorry, but we
already subscribe
to "the watchtower."

What the hell are
you knocking for?

I haven't lived here
for two whole weeks.

I don't want
to be impolite.

May I remind
you where you
are, young man?

I'm just trying
to be nice.

At edelweiss
we're supposed to be
nice all the time.

Guess it just
kind of stuck with me.

So how is everyone?

Oh, everyone
is just fine.

But I won't be
till you take off
that stupid tie.

I need it so
I can sh**t up.

I'd really
rather keep it on.

Besides, I like
looking nice.

We have this little
hans the hare motto:

"my teeth brushed white,
clothes wrinkle-free,

I'm hans the hare,
and I love me."

Then we kind of
hop around a little.

You won't be
doing that here.

What other stuff
they got you doing there?

Well, first they had me
on the crusades adventure

But soon I might be working
on the fortress of fun

Or maybe even
das glass-bottom boot.

Have they got
any adventures

That don't have something
to do with w*r?

You know, like
something happy

Like little
bears or elves

Or-- you know, this
is out of my area,
but you know what I mean.

I'm sure there
are other rides,

But I don't know
the whole park yet.

You'd better not let
hans the hare find
out about that.

He'll give you
some demerits.

How did you know
about the demerits?

You've got to
be kidding me.

No, all it takes
is six demerits and
then they send you

To the edelweiss
correction school
for a month.

Correction school?
What's that, some kind
of brainwashing camp?

No, it says right on
the brochure

"this is not
a brainwashing camp."

Yeah and I put
the correct weight

On my driver's license.

Mrs. Conner,
this might not
mean much to you

But it's very
important to me that
I make this job work.

Hey, David,
looking good.

I'm going to go
comb my hair.

I'm feeling a
little unkempt.

Thank you for
the compliment,
Mr. Conner.

Would you
look at that?

Our david's
turning into a man.

No he's not.

He's turning
into some kind of

Buttoned down corporate
rabbit robot.

And the really
scary thing is, did
you see that tie?

It's not
even a clip-on.

Come on, Roseanne,
he's just trying to
be part of a team.

Team sports made
me what I am today.

( scoffs )

You made me
what I am today.

But team sports
got me ready for you.

We've got to
help him, Dan.

No, we've got to let go.
He's over .

Remember, as much
as we love David he's
not really our son.

Well, not according to
our last tax returns.

Pardon me, hans.

Oh, hi.
You can call me David.

That's all right, hans.

You know, i've
always had a thing
for hans the hare.

I often dream that i'm
even married to hans.

I know that's silly.

Or is it?

Team leader
in the room.

All right, everyone,
we're expecting a full
park today

And I want to see
a lot of children
with happy faces

Because a
happy face is...

All:
a repeat customer.

People...

Today ends the two-
week probation period

Of our newest
hans the hare.

And in keeping
with the grand

Edelweiss gardens
tradition...

Hans, today your head
will be placed on

By none other than
the very first ever
hans the hare.

Never do anything to
disgrace the bunny.

Where's David healy?

How did you get past
the security goats?

Well, actually
I had no problem at all.

Perhaps it was my...

Lucky rabbit's foot.

Ma'am i'm going to
have to ask you to leave
the magic rabbit hole.

Pal, i'm gonna have to
ask you to kiss my ass.

Which one of you
is David healy?

They have no identity.

They won't answer
to any name except the
one we've given them.

David healy:

The kid who
secretly hates animals;

The kid who
told me the buffalo
got what they deserved.

Which one of you
is David now?

Hans! Put your
head back on.

Don't do it, David.

Once the head
is on it does
not come off.

David, no.

You don't know
how many pimply-
faced teenagers

Have put their
heads in there.

( intoning )
hans, follow
your training.

I trained you
first, David.

Here, sniff my
hand to remember.

Mrs. Conner, why
are you doing this?

Why are you trying
to make me go home?

( sighs )
five words, David:

You're dressed
like a rabbit.

They're giving me
a job, a place to stay.

I've been at
your house too long.

But David, you don't
have to sell out

Everything you
believe in just
to pay the rent.

I like it here.

No you don't, David.

You just think you do
because it's so easy.

They do all your
thinking for you.

They make all your
decisions for you.

They say "hop" and
you say "how high?"

Three inches.

Wake up, David.

This place wants
to be disneyworld,

But it's just some
creepy fascist copy.

Today it's, "hi,
i'm hans the hare.
Welcome to the park."

But tomorrow it's, "I was
only following orders."

I don't know
what to do.

Well, I do.
You're gonna go
home with me now.

That is if--
if they let you.

Of course, Mr. Healy
is free to leave.

All edelweiss
gardens employees
have complete freedom.

You say they
have freedom,

But do they really?

Are they free
after work to go
sit and have a beer

And trash their
boss like you can
on any other job?

No!

And yet this place claims

To represent
what america stands for.

Well, my america
stands for more

Than $ to park,
$ to get in,

And $ tasteless
bunny-shaped hamburgers.

Now if you
will excuse us,

David and I are going
to get in my crappy car,

Drive along that
polluted river

Where we could get
carjacked or forced
off the road by drunks,

Pull up in front of
our house and run in
before we are robbed.

Because that, mister,
is my america

And I thank god
we're free to enjoy it.

Come on, David.

No, Mrs. Conner,
I want to go back
to edelweiss gardens

So I can help people
have fun again.

All right, let's
go over this

One more time:

Your name
is David healy.

You frown,
you're introspective

And you mope.

I'm not listening.
I'm not listening.
I'm not listening.

Listen to me, David.

We don't whistle
while we work.

We grumble
and complain

And encourage others
to do likewise.

No no no!

- no no no no!
- yes yes yes!

Let me tell you a
little something about your
edelweiss gardens, David.

It's mediocre food

And mediocre
fun at best.

And you know why
I know that, David?

Because I am an expert
on what is mediocre.

( panting )

That's good.

You hate me now,
don't you, David?
Admit it.

You're feeling hate.
You hate me right now,
don't you?

No. No, I don't.

You're a paying
customer and I respect
and admire you.

Liar!

Break, damn you, break.

Listen to me, David.

Rabbits and geese and goats
are not people.

They don't sing and dance.

They're food!

No!

( sobbing )

( sighs )

There, there.

Welcome home, son.