08x20 - Another Mouth to Shut Up

[bunniefuu]

What a great way to end
an incredible week.

The movie was terrific.

That was the longest
you've ever let me
use the armrest.

You did eat some
of my milk duds.

Oh, I love
this time of day.

Yeah, it's pretty.

You know, you can say what
you want about the sulfides
from the paper mill,

But it sure makes for
a beautiful sunset.

Have I thanked you enough
for helping me get that
job in Chicago?

Yes, David.

And we got a great
apartment, right?

- i'm so psyched to see it.
- oh, you're going to love
your room.

Except i'm going to have
to get in there every morning
to brush my teeth.

Well, there's so much
to think about.

I mean, should we each
buy our own food?

Should we split
the utilities?

Should we have separate
phone lines?

You know, um...

Or we could
just get married.

( chuckles )
yeah right.

To who?

No, I mean, come on.
There's a lot advantages
to being married, right?

Oh, I get it.

You mean so we can get
all the gifts and money
from our friends.

Our friends?
The only thing we'd get
from them is beer and mono.

David.

You're serious about this,
aren't you?

Yeah, I am.

Oh my god.

Wait a minute.
Ha ha, okay.

Now you're going
to tell me you're
kidding, right?

Nope, now i'm gonna
tell you i'm pregnant.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughing )

Pregnant?

You mean, like...

Pregnant?

Yes, David.
You've knocked me up.

How? When?

When?
Disneyworld.

Oh my god.

Wow.

- what are we gonna do?
- oh, don't worry.

You know, getting married
and having a baby can't
change things that much.

I kind of wanted
a dog first.

Oh, it'll be okay.

I'm still gonna
finish school

And by getting married
I can get on your
health coverage.

Our car insurance
will go down.

We'll be in line for
married-student housing.

I mean, it just makes
sense, you know?

It wouldn't have
to be a big dog.

Come on, let's go
tell everybody inside
and get this over with.

Whoa whoa,
slow down.

You mean tell
everyone in there?

Darlene, couldn't
we wait a few months?

I mean, then they would
just think you were
getting fat.

They gotta be
expecting that.

So then when
we do tell them,

They'll just go,
"oh good, she's not
getting fat."

All right,
we don't have
to tell them yet.

Now take a deep breath
and try not to look
so pasty.

We'll just--

We'll tell them
the movie we just saw
affected me profoundly.

Okay, let's go inside.
You ready?

( chuckles )

- after you... Daddy.
- ( groans )

What the hell are those?

They're cornish
game hens.

I bought them
off this guy

That was selling them
off the back of his truck

Down at the gas station
parking lot.

It's the very same guy

That I bought
our stereo speakers
from last week.

Hey, you guys are
just in time for dinner.

Grab a plate.
Sit down here, David.

Next to you?

Yeah.

Come tell me
about your new job

As a graphic artist there.

David, congratulations
on the job.

Is it on computer
or do you just draw
by hand?

Uh, thanks,
i'm fine.

( chuckles )

I guess you're
pretty excited about
moving to Chicago, huh?

Uh, uh-huh.

Of course,
that means i'll have
to move to Chicago.

Uh, i'm confused.

They're some kind
of tiny chicken.

We didn't know
what they were either.

No, I don't think
that's it, d.J.

David's just
a little excited

About his new job.
Isn't that right, David?

The movie affected
me profoundly.

David, why don't you
let me sit there?

- you've been
hogging mom long enough.
- okay good, here.

Uh, but you should
sit somewhere, you know?

What's up?

I smell fear.

I love that smell,
but what's up?

Nothing's up.
God.

Hey d.J.,
that's a great shirt.
Where'd you get it?

My closet.

Oh, now I think
something is up.

Yeah, i've seen enough
of that "m*rder she wrote"

To figure that out.

Let's see here.
David is pale

And kind of weak-kneed
and all nervous,

So there's
no clues there.

But Darlene wants
to sit next to me

And she said something nice
to her brother.

Ooh, I wonder.

I know.
You're pregnant!

( all laughing )

That was my joke guess!

We're also
getting married.

( silverware clatters )

Well...

I'm-- i'm--

I'm excited for you guys.
I think it's great.

Dan!

We're gonna be grandparents.
Isn't that great?

I'm getting one of those
sweatshirts that says

"world's greatest grandma"
on it, you know?

And you can go out
and get yourself,
I don't know,

Like a cane
or something.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Good good
good good good.

( chuckles )
wow.

Well, thanks,
Mrs. Conner.

Really wasn't the reaction
I was expecting.

Yeah, me neither.

Guess you peed
your pants for nothing.

Dan?

- Dan!
- what?

Oh, i'm just trying
to figure out how to go
about eating this thing.

Well, I think it's good...

That Darlene
is getting pregnant,

'cause-- getting married
'cause she--

She's pregnant.

And that's
just what I did.

D.J., stop staring at me.

( groans )
babies having babies.

Well, i'm nauseous.
I was wondering when
that would hit me.

- what the hell
is wrong with you?
- what do you mean?

Roseanne, Darlene says

That she has to get married
because she's pregnant

And all you can say
is that you're happy?
Are you insane?

Jackie, d.J....

Maybe it would be best
if you left now.

Okey-doke.

What about
my little chicken?
He's gonna get cold.

We're eating them
in the car.

What are you going
to say to me, Dan?

Well, the only reason
I didn't start yelling

Is 'cause I was waiting for you
and you didn't start yelling.

And it's too late now.

Well, that's
'cause it's happened

And there is nothing
we can do about it.

Yeah, so what?

Let's be happy?
Why not?

Our daughter's
throwing her life away.

Well no, actually,

I think we're making a little
progress in this family.

Becky got married
when she was .

I was only .

At last, a conner woman
is mature enough

To put it off until
she's years old.

No way are they ready
to have a baby.

No way.

Well, I don't know.

I can't think
of a better mother
for a child...

Than David.

I can't believe it.
You're not even shocked
by this.

I mean, what is it
with this family?

Nothing could ever be easy.
Nothing ever goes the way
it's supposed to.

I think you'd better
just calm down.

No, why should I
calm down, damn it?

Because we can be angry

And that will have
no effect whatsoever,

Or we can be happy

And that will have
no effect whatsoever either.

So why don't
we just be parents
and support them?

Well, there goes
$ worth

Of fancy hens
down the drain.

Tv announcer:
, the bulls...

You're pretty mad at me,
aren't you?

Nope.

Well, you're chewing
like you're mad.

Sorry.

I'll try
to chew happier.

Mr. Conner, I know this whole
me-and-Darlene thing

Is very very weird,

Especially after
all you've been through
with Mark and Becky, but--

But you want
it to be different.
Fine, okay, whatever.

( tv announcer talking )

So how mad are you?

I'm pretty damn mad.

From now on,
people are eating
straight out of the pan.

So you're okay
about this whole
me-and-Darlene thing?

I mean, I know
you said you were,
but so did Mr. Conner

And he's obviously not.

Yeah, pretty weird, huh?

Ever since
I had that baby,
I don't know,

Things don't
bother me as much.
I'm just happier.

You're a lucky
lucky boy, David.

- thanks, Mrs. Conner.
- yeah.

I'll tell you how
to handle Mr. Conner.

You just stay
on his right side.
That's his blind spot.

So how are you
doing, David?

Okay I guess.

It's kind of interesting

Having all of your
major life changes
happen in one day.

Yeah, I think I can
pretty much relate to that.

I remember
this one Tuesday,

They canceled
"card sharks"

And they introduced

The chocolate chip
cookie dough ice cream

The very same day.

Whoa.

You worried
about the baby?

Actually, i'm more worried
about me and Darlene.

Something's just--

I don't know.
When she asked me
to marry her--

Oh, she asked you?

That's cute.

No, Mrs. Conner,
it wasn't cute.

I felt like she was
proposing some sort of
business deal or something.

It had nothing
to do with love.

Well, then i'm impressed.

That means Darlene
knows what marriage
is really all about.

Oh, David, come on.

You know she loves you.

Maybe it's just that
I pictured it different.

I mean, I thought
I would tell Darlene I had
a big surprise for her

And we would hop
in the car

And drive down
to that underpass
near route

Where we first--

I'm just-- i'm not sure
that this is how we should
be starting a marriage.

Oh, David.

( sighs )

You know, this is--
granted, it's a lot
to handle,

You know,
all at once.

But i'm sure Darlene
has got a lot of things

Going through
her mind too.

And you guys are gonna
work it all out.

Everything will
be okay, David.

- hey.
- hey, how are
you doing?

Pregnant,
how about you?

You wanting
something to eat?

Can I make you a peanut butter
and frito sandwich?

That's okay, mom.
I'm not really craving
weird pregnancy food yet.

No, I was making
it for me.

You want one?

Sure.

Here, have this one.

You're staring.

It's so bizarre
that you're going
to be a mother.

Yeah well,
it won't be official until
I chew through the cord.

You aren't gonna believe
the stuff it's gonna do
to your body.

Of course, you know,
i'm gonna be there beside
you the whole time

Laughing and pointing.

No, but you really
are not gonna believe

The way everything's
gonna change, you know?

The way stuff smells,
even the way it tastes.

Like, when I was
pregnant with Becky

I had a craving
to eat dirt.

Get out.

Then when I was
pregnant with you

I couldn't get enough
of your dad's smell--

That intoxicating blend

Of motor oil,
aqua velva,

And corn nuts.

Way too much detail.

So i'm assuming
that you have considered

All the options
open to you,

You know, having to do
with the pregnancy
and everything.

Yeah, I know the options.

And?

And I want the baby.

I want it more than
i've ever wanted anything.

Is that so hard
to believe?

Well yeah,
a little bit.

I mean, I remember
when you were eight

And you wanted
to get a vasectomy.

And then even after
we told you what it was

You still wanted one.

Yeah, well i'm not
eight anymore

And I want the baby.
So let's just drop it, okay?

Okay, fine.

You're having a baby
and you're getting married.

Cool. I'm not gonna say
another thing about it.

Do you have any idea
what a mega amount of crap

That's gonna be
to deal with, Darlene?
Are you ready for that?

Mom, why are you
doing this to me?

I mean, do you think
there's a single thing
that you could say

That I haven't thought about,
like, times?

Well, you know,
you'll have to
excuse me.

I might be
in a little bit
of shock here.

I know.
I know everybody
is looking at me

And thinking,
like, "oh, darlene's
getting married?

Darlene's gonna
have a baby?"

I mean, hell,
even I said it.

But you know,
when I found out

That there was,
like, this life
going through me...

I don't know,
I just feel, like...

Different.
Happier.

Yeah, well, I know all about
that euphoria thing.

I've had four children.

I felt that three times.

Well, I mean,
remember when I was
in high school

And I had that, like,
dark depressed funk
that I was in?

By the way,
sorry about that.

I don't know,
it's just, like,

Life is not as hard
as I made it out to be.

Yeah, well...

Having a baby
is really hard

Under the very best
of circumstances,
Darlene.

You've got a really
tough road ahead of you.

I know that.
And that's why i'm
preparing for it now.

With summer school
I can still graduate
on time.

And david's got
a full-time job,

So the baby
will be covered
on his insurance.

And I just put in
for a copywriting job

That I can do
part-time at home.

Hmm.

Sounds like
you're more prepared
than I ever was.

Yeah, and to be honest,

I couldn't do
any of this if we weren't
getting married.

And there's a lot of benefits
that come with that.

Besides, you know,
I love David, so it's
not like there's--

Whoa whoa whoa.
Okay, you know, that last
little part there

About you love David,
you know?

You'd better go find him
and tell him that.

David knows
that I love him.

No, Darlene,
I was talking to him

And he really needs
to hear that, okay?

Okay.

Hey, I want you to know
something else too.

You know, I am...

You know,
totally happy for you.

And i'm gonna
be here for you.

Do not start to cry.

Well, I mean,
it is pretty cool

To see my little baby

A grown-up
and responsible woman.

So go find your fiance.

Whew.

( theme music playing )

So I figure
it was on the tram

Somewhere between
the dumbo ride

And the alien encounter.

Not funny, Roseanne.

Oh, come on, Dan.
Our daughter got pregnant
at disneyworld.

When else do you get
the chance to put that in
your christmas newsletter?

You know, I always figured
that Darlene was gonna
make it, Rosie.

You know?

I thought Darlene
was gonna be the one.

It's her last year
of college--

All these big job offers
and now this.

She's still gonna
make it, Dan.

She'll just have
big bags under her eyes

And cheerios
in her hair.

It's not what
she planned, honey.

It's not what she wanted.
It's not what I wanted for her.

Okay, well I was out there
talking to her, you know?

And she, like, totally
blew my mind, Dan.

She's thought
it all through.

She's got it
all planned out.

Yeah, I know,
but they're not ready
to have kids.

Couldn't they have
waited until they had
some more money?

Until they had
any money?

Well, if we would
have waited until
we had money,

We never would
have had any kids.

And then who would
we have sent to the store
to buy our cigarettes?

Yeah, we also never
would have had a daughter
who derailed her life

Because she did
something stupid.

She's not stupid, Dan.

She's human
and we finally have
some proof of that.

Oh, stop it, Roseanne.
Our daughter is pregnant
and is getting married.

I just can't sit back
and do nothing about it.

Okay, well, why don't you
start screaming and throwing
furniture around

Like you did
when Becky eloped?

And then we won't see her
for a year and a half too.

Yeah, well...

She's gonna make it, Dan.

She's fine.

We're gonna be there.
We're gonna help
her through it.

We're all gonna make it.

We are good parents, Dan.

( sighs )

Check this out.

Not only--

Not only are we gonna
have a grandchild

Who is roughly the same age
as our own child,

But our daughter
is marrying

The boy we consider
to be our son.

I think that means
that we are now

Officially the white-
trashiest family

In all the land!

Yee-haw!