09x02 - Millions from Heaven

[bunniefuu]

It's o.k.

It's o.k., Honey.

Mommy.

You're o.k., Sweetheart.

[Pants]

Roseanne!

Roseanne, where are you?

I've got to tell you something!

What?

Where's my baby?

What?

We won the lottery!

This is the winning
lottery ticket.

I've got it right here.

Remember, you told
me to watch it on tv?

What are you talking about?

We won the lottery!

I can't believe it!

What lottery?

The lottery, the
illinois state lottery!

It's the biggest one in
the history of illinois.

It's $ million!

You mean, you mean...

We're the people

That picked the
winning numbers.

Oh, my god. You're telling me...

You're telling me...

You're telling me that we won

The illinois state lottery...

$ Million?

Is that what you're telling me?

Is that what you're telling me?

Ah ha ha! Let's tell dan.

No! Dan has just
had a heart att*ck,

And this could k*ll him.

What's going on?

[Gasps] don't panic!

Why, what's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing is wrong.

Nothing is wrong.

Nothing will ever
be wrong again.

Dan? Dan, I have
something to tell you.

But before I tell you,

You have to promise me that
you are not going to collapse

Or turn blue or
anything like that.

Scout's honor.

O.k.

We won the lottery!

[Screams]

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god, we won the lottery!

We won the lottery!

Oh, my god, we won the lottery!

[Roseanne screams]

Hey, hey. Go get my shirt.

[All screaming]

♪ What doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall of china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one
thing that I've heard ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out
better than o.k., Hey ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

[Laughs]

$ Million.

Yeah. But you know what?

If this ticket was worth,
only, say, $ million,

I'd love it just as much.

You know what?

You guys should
have that framed.

Yeah, we should.

Duh... You have to turn it in

To get the money, mark.

I want you to know

That no one deserves
this more than you and dad.

[Sobs]

Ah, honey.

Oh, those are those
pregnancy hormones

Kicking in.

It makes you so sweet.

Too bad you didn't get
knocked up years ago.

So I have it all figured out.

You guys are going to
get $ . Million a year.

That's like $ a minute,
cents a second.

Wow. That's cents.

That's cents.

That's cents.

What are we going to do
with all the money, honey?

I'll tell you what.

We're gonna move out of here,

And buy that great big
house down the block.

Or better yet... Wait, no...

We're gonna move

To the really
nice part of town...

Or egypt.

This is our ancestral home.

I grew up here.

Don't worry, honey.

We're not going to
get rid of the house.

We'll just put it in the tree

In the backyard
of our new place.

Do you know what we can do?

We'll be able to send becky

To the college that
she wants to go to...

Something really great,
like harvard, or, uh...

What's another college?

Thanks, mom.

And d.j., You can just go ahead

Drop out of school altogether.

No way. Now that
we got all this dough,

I'm finally going to be popular.

Well, I've always had this dream

That one day, I'd buy a
vineyard in bordeaux

And tease the nectar of the gods

From the heart of the grape.

Why? That jug from buy'n'bag

Keeps you just as happy.

I'm gonna get all new
tools, finish my boat...

You know what I'm
going to have mounted

Next to the captain's chair?

The liberty bell.
Clank, clank, cr*ck.

I want to ride in
the space shuttle.

Who's with me?

Hey! You don't even have
to worry about your health

Or your heart anymore, dan,

'Cause we can just buy

One of them baboon
transplant jobs.

You know what with
the stuff they got going

With medical science now.

Good god, I'm getting me
a ton of plastic surgery,

I swear to god.

I'm getting one
of them nose jobs,

And I'm gonna get a tummy tuck,

And a ton of liposuction.

Honey,

I like you just the way you are.

Well, that don't matter to me,

'Cause I'm dumping you
for some parasitic pig.

Then I'm gonna lose him

For some young guy
that's really buffed.

Now, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just slow down, everybody.

We can't celebrate till we've
officially gotten the money, o.k.?

I read about this guy...
He's an average guy...

O.k., You know?

He's got a winning
lottery ticket,

You know, he's whooping it up,

He figures he's
already got the cash...

Guess what?

He lost the ticket!

So one minute,
he's got millions,

The next minute, nothing.

Thanks for sharing that, sis.

I'm just saying...

I'm saying we've got to
be very, very careful here.

I agree with jackie.

Don't do that, mother.

There's got to be
something you want.

I'm not gonna think about it

Until that ticket goes
down to that office.

I know what jackie wants.

Vvrrrooom, vvrrrooom.

A cherry red sports car with a
leather-wrapped steering wheel.

And...

And a rolex!

See, that wasn't so hard.

You know they say that devry
institute's a good college.

Uh, excuse me.

Um, if we were here to collect

Say, $ million,

Where would we go?

Oh, you're the ones, huh?

You know I had
of those numbers?

Well, thanks for your dollar.

You want the lottery director.

Stay alert, my friend.

Uh, hello. We're the conners.

We have an appointment.

Oh, hello, hello.

So this is the lucky couple.

I'm mr. Russo. Boy,
I'll bet you're excited.

We were up all night.

So was i. Your win,
should it prove valid,

Will be the high point

Of my prize disbursement career.

Man, you guys are
so much nicer here

Than at the unemployment office.

I already took the liberty

Of filling out the
claim form there.

Good, good, good.

And thanks for pressing hard.

Now, I'm going to have to
match the validation number

On your ticket.

Yes, sir. Well,
dan, it looks like

We will be going

To our next high school reunion.

All right, now I need
some identification.

Yes, sir, absolutely.

We are us. I didn't know
what to bring here.

I got the birth certificate,

License, social security number,

That's my fishing license...

Yeah, and, and...

Uh, that key card there,

That unlocks room

At the pine tree motor lodge.

Well, on behalf of
the state of illinois,

Let me congratulate you.

You have just won the
largest lottery in our history!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I hope you folks don't mind

Posing for a few
publicity photos.

Look at all the paparazzi.

I'll bet that guy's
with the enquirer.

Hey, I didn't know the legitimate
press was gonna be here.

All right, now, smile.

All right, that's enough.

We're gonna be
sending these photos

Along with a press release,

So you're gonna be
bombarded by the media.

Why? We didn't grow a squash

That looks like
dole, or nothin'.

Hey, uh, mr. Russo, not
to be piggy or nothin',

But, uh, when do we
get the real check?

That'll be right along.

It should take
about or weeks.

Or weeks? Really.

We were going to take
the family out for ice cream.

Now what the hell
are we supposed to do?

Damn. I've never seen
this room so bright.

Yeah. I think people who read

Would really like this place.

Hi. I'm kathleen sullivan.

Hi. Roseanne and dan.

[Giggles]

Congratulations.

Take a seat.

O.k.

Now, we'll just start
whenever you're comfortable.

O.k. Put this
microphone here on, mom.

O.k. Yeah. No, that
feels phony, dan.

This is kathleen sullivan

On remote in
america's heartland,

Lanford, illinois,

Where hard-working,
self-described

Regular folks have just
won the biggest lottery

In illinois state history.

So, roseanne and dan conner,

How does it feel to be worth

More than $ million?

Well, I feel like
a million bucks.

I guess I've sold myself short.

So, tell us, you luck birds,

Who are roseanne and dan conner?

Well...

We were born in lanford...

Yeah, we were born
here in lanford.

High school sweethearts,

Went to lanford high school...

It was about th grade...

Th grade.

Uh, played football,

We met...

Got married...

We got married,
moved into this house...

I put that linoleum
in there myself.

Mommy got the
knickknacks and what not

And put the art up,

Here we are. Here we are.

Why don't we meet
the rest of the family?

Oh, yeah. Definitely. Kids,
come on down. Come on in here.

Come on!

O.k., This is our
daughter darlene

And her husband david.

Uh, they're vegetarians,

So they don't have the strength

To hold their heads up.

And, uh...

This is our oldest
daughter becky

And her husband mark.

I'm mark.

And this is our son d.j.

And our little baby jerry here.

Give me the baby.

Give me the baby.

What'd you do to him?

I...

Oh, I'm sorry. And
this is mrs. Harris,

The woman who raised me.

Hello, america. Hello.

And my sister jackie.

I helped pick the numbers.

So there you are,
ladies and gentlemen...

The lucky family.

But tell us... How do you think

The lottery is going
to change your lives?

Well, not much.

We're probably going to be
the same people we always were.

Only happy.

They ought to make
this caviar bigger.

One jar barely
fits on one cr*cker.

Wow. This is the
first party we've had

Where d.j. Wasn't in the bedroom

Going through coat pockets.

And that's the way it's
going to be from now on.

More meat, son.

This meat doesn't look right.

Where's all the
white shiny stuff?

[Chuckles]

This is lean meat, son.

Our % days are over with.

Hey, hey, dan.

Go ahead and show
him that lobster

And that fancy meat
with the bone still in it.

Oh, no. The lad's seen
enough for one day.

O.k. I got the plastic
champagne glasses.

Did you get the expensive ones?

$ . A dozen.

D.j., Run these
burgers out to mark,

And I'm going to go
entertain our guests.

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

No, I'm sorry. We
don't have an uncle sid,

Or an uncle george,

And no charlie.
Strike , lunch meat.

Man, brand names
are so colorful.

Oh, you got champagne.

And it's out-of-state!

It's so incredible.

I even went to that
fancy market today,

And for the first
time in my life,

I didn't hold up the line

By paying with coupons.

You paid full price
for everything?

No, not everything.
They threw in

The bottle of
champagne for free,

Because they recognized me.

No!

It's so awesome.

When dan went down
to get the charcoal,

The guy throws in a hibachi

And a free set of
those kabob pokers.

Wow. This pregnancy
thing really bites.

I'm gonna start crying again.

Oh, that's nothin'.

Wait till you start peeing

When you laugh.

Or sneeze.

Yeah.

Or blink.

[Telephone rings]

I got this one.

Hello?

Uh-huh.

No, I'm sorry we've already
committed to a charity.

We just bought bottles

Of paul newman salad dressing.

Hey, leon. Come on over here

And help yourself
to some caviar.

You really did win the lottery.

I just had to come over and see

If my worst nightmare
did come true,

And in fact, it has.

So I am now...

In hell...

k*ll me.

Well, I'm kind of
busy right now, leon,

But go in the kitchen
and help yourself

To whatever's under the sink.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Gee, I don't know.

Oh, d.j., Just hang up on 'em.

What did they want now?

How am I supposed to know?

Nana mary just started talking

When you told me to hang up.

Roseanne, roseanne, I still
can't get over your windfall.

Well, I owe it all to you, mom.

I mean, if you would
have encouraged me

To do something
useful with my life,

This never would have happened.

Thank you, dear. And
I want you to know

That all that money I
lent you over the years...

Well, there's no need

To give it a moment's thought.

Oh, I never have.

Hey, there's a bunch of people

Looking over the back fence,

Trying to take our picture.

Ah, don't worry about it.

They can't use any of it, man.

I was mooning them
and flipping the bird

The whole time.

What's going on around here?

You know, the guy
at the prize office

Warned us this might happen.

Hey, everybody. It's time
to toast dan and roseanne

On their great fortune.

No, no, no. Please, allow me.

To the conners...
I say and I quote:

To know what god thinks of money

One only has to look at
those to whom he has given it.

Thanks, leon.

You guys have got to look.

There's, like, over
people out there.

Isn't it wonderful being rich?

I've finally risen
above the people

I long knew were my inferiors.

I'm as giddy as a school girl.

Make that a private-school girl.

O.k., Mom, time to go
out and lay on the lawn

And take a nap.

Boy, is this causing
a traffic jam.

Well, I told you to take
those christmas lights down.

You know, roseanne,

I was just thinking,

You may have the pleasure

Of winning all this money,

But I will have
the sheer delight

Of watching you blow it all

On collectible plates.

Collectible plates
are in the past, leon.

The future is all about star
trek signature coffee mugs.

Hey. Hey, it's a great party.

I forgot to mention...

Don't spend it all in one place.

O.k.

Pheasant... That's
what this party needs...

Pheasant.

Dan? Can I see you
in the kitchen? Now.

Well, it was great talking
to you again. Really great.

Who in the hell
was I just talking to?

I have no idea.

Who are you?

Man, honey, this is insane.

Dan...

How do you leave a party
when you're the host?

You know, I think technically,

If we went down to the basement,

We wouldn't be
leaving the party.

You're on. Coming through.

Gangway. Watch your back.

Privacy.

Sanctuary.

Man, it's quiet in here.

I hate hearing all these voices,

Unless they're mine.

Yeah. I think the
ringing in my ears

Has finally stopped.

This is the first time

We've been alone
together all day.

Well, you know what?

We could do a lot more
of that from now on.

Just hanging out together,

Spend every single
minute of the day together.

Uh, yeah.

Well...

You know, it's not like
we're going to have

All that much down time.

We're gonna be doing
a lot of shopping,

Going to a lot of movies,

A lot of plays, stuff
like that... We'll travel.

We could take one of
them kathie lee tours.

Hey. I bet you we're
richer than her now.

Boy, does that put
things into perspective.

Man. So you know what
we really got to do, dan?

We have really got to start

Taking better care of ourselves.

Now that we got all this money,

I want to live.

Yeah, me too.

Uh, how do you go
about doing something...

Well, see, I think
we'll get a nutritionist

And they'll tell us what to eat,

And then we'll haul in
one of them trainers,

And they'll just whip
our butts right into shape.

Yeah. I could be buffed
in a couple of months.

Or years, whatever.

Man, it is just amazing.

We're going to be part of the
whole hoity-toity hoop-de-doo.

Well, remember what I told you

When we started going out?

Stick with me, kid,

I'll have you
fartin' through silk.

But no matter what happens,

We're just going to
be the same people...

Same old dan and roseanne.

Sittin' on a mountain of cash.

Come with me, robin leach,

As we tour the home
of the duke and duchess

Of good fortune,

Lottery winners dan
and roseanne conner.

Here is their
luxurious lanford lair.

The decor is a
delightful potpourri

Of american baroque.

The carpet is a
beautiful polyester fiber.

It's no longer made
for health reasons.

And this is the crown
jewel of our collection.

And what a jewel it is.

All wings of the
house meet here,

At the entertainment center,

Where dan and roseanne relax

After a long day of
counting their lucre.

We have all the
barnaby jones tapes.

We relax by watching
an episode from season .

As the day drew to a close,

Roseanne proved just why

She's famous for her hospitality

From manhattan to marrakech.

Want a sandwich?

No lover of fine food

Could resist such an offer.

I'm robin leach with beer wishes

And nacho dreams.