09x12 - Home for the Holidays

[bunniefuu]

This sign isn't
coming out so good.

The o's all lopsided.

Well, plop your head down,

And I'll trace around it.

All right, what
do you guys think?

The different shades of blue

Represent how sad we've
been since your dad's been gone.

Well, I'm sure some airport
janitor will be very touched

When he pulls it
out of the trash.

All right, come on, people.

We've gotta leave
here in about minutes.

Well, I'm done.

Yes, that's great, darlene.

Come on, now. I want
to meet him at the gate,

And everything's
gotta be perfect.

[Telephone rings]

We really gotta hurry
because the traffic is awful.

David: hello.

Well, I'm an arm away
from being ready,

So the rest of you get
moving. I'll meet you out there.

Great. Limo's out front.

All right.

All right, andy, we're
going to the airport,

And since we got
the big bucks now,

Mommy's gonna get you one of
those fancy airport pretzels.

Whoa!

Look at the size of that limo.

It is, like, twice the
size of our trailer.

Mark, now, you double-checked
dan's arrival time, right?

Yeah. His plane
comes in at noon,

But I added on another hours
because we're in central time.

Mark, no. You told me
that his plane leaves at : ,

Which is : four time,
which means he gets in at : .

: Lanford time
or california time?

No, the plane leaves
at : our time,

Which is : their time,

Which means he
does get in at noon.

Noon as in lanford time

Or noon as in california time?

Wait a minute.

I think dad's been at
the airport for hours.

All right, everybody shut up,

And let's get going,

Except mark!

You stay here and figure out

Why we left you home.

Come on.

Come on. Get the door.

Where's everybody going?

Jackie: ha ha ha.

Hey, look who's here.

Dan: jerry!

Roseanne: looky. Yi!

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Oh, that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Hey. I didn't know
you were here.

Well, that's ok. You can stay.

I already wrapped your presents.

You know, I
couldn't help it, dan.

I tried not to, but I
got totally caught up

In the materialism
of the holiday.

Well, honey, that's one way
money ain't gonna change us.

God, it was so weird doing all the
christmas shopping without you this year.

Well, yeah. You didn't have
anybody to carry your heavy stuff

Or hold your purse,

But you do have a new
strapping young man,

[Deep voice] what
with the new d.j.

I can't believe how much
he's grown, you know?

I think we can go ahead and take
that guardrail off his bed now.

I'm just glad you're home, dan,

'Cause we can start getting
back to normal around here now.

Yep, yep, yep.

You know what I was thinking?

After the holidays and
everything calms down a little bit,

I think me and you, we should
go away on a trip together alone,

And I was thinking
either the riviera

Or the wisconsin dells.

I don't know, honey.

I just got back from
that big trip to california.

I know, but we haven't been to
the dells for a really long time.

I'm sure they'd let
us back in by now.

Yeah, well, we don't have to decide
on it right now, though, do we?

No.

No, we can, you know,

Think about it, whatever.

No, I'm just trying to say, dan,

I'm so glad that you're home.

Yeah, uh...

You know, I was only
bringing up the idea of a trip

'Cause I thought it's
something that you'd like.

Yeah, I do, but we got
to do it right now?

Is something wrong, dan?

I'm sorry, honey.
I'm just tired.

I guess I got some
of that jet lag.

Yeah. That's probably...

Probably it. Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know, baby.

Um... How about in a couple days

Maybe me and you go
out for a big dinner?

You know, just you and me.

Maybe if you feel like it,
I'll take you up to chicago.

Wow. Food out of town.

I can hardly wait.

Moo.

Oh, listen, I'm gonna
go ahead and shave

So I don't tear
up the pillowcase.

Or me.

What you got there, some
newfangled electric razor?

This is like the kind they got
in that sharper image catalog.

[Buzz]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's all this?

Oh, that's my -step recovery
program to more vital skin.

See, I got it at
that spa I went to.

I don't know, honey.

You got moisturizers, I
got me an electric razor.

Guess there's no going back.

Hey, yeah. Maybe
later we can trade.

"While visions of sugarplums
danced in their heads."

Hey, sugarplum!

We can really use a hand here.

Hey, I wanted a living tree.

No. You butchers are gonna have
to deal with your own carnage.

Could you shut the
door? It's freezing in here!

Well, they're back, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Yup, and this year they
actually went to a tree farm.

Don't tell me you
paid for a tree.

Yup. That nursery security
guard bulked up for nothing.

All right. Well,
last night, huh?

You and dan, huh?

How was it?

Good.

Oh, come on, roseanne!

It's been a long
time for you guys.

Was it wild and intense?

Was it like the first time?

Well, his dad didn't
catch us this time,

If that's what you mean.

It was fine.

Fine? Come on!

Roseanne and dan conner
do not have "fine" sex.

Come on, jackie. It's been
months and everything,

And he was kind of
nervous, and so was i.

But the most important thing

Is that when he crawled
into bed next to me,

And I felt that familiar sag
in his side of the mattress,

It just felt like I was home.

I just felt like everything
was gonna be ok.

Let me ask you something.

When I talk about carlos,
do I sound that sappy?

You could get a part on
any mexican soap opera.

Well, I'd say dan
does seem very happy.

His mom must be doing better.

Yeah. They got her on
pills and everything.

What are you doing?
You're squishing my balls!

I'm making angels' thumbprints.

No! These are rum balls.

Now you made
them into rum blobs.

Balls, blobs... What's
the difference?

It's gonna taste the same.

Not to me.

I spent all this time rolling these
things to custom-fit my mouth.

Now fix 'em.

Jeez.

Uh-uh!

No! No! No!

Look. Like this.

Oh.

I hate you.

[Dan grunting]

I said shut... The... Door!

Hey, I didn't have that
problem at my house.

You wanna know why?

I took a tape measure with me.

I hate you.

Uh, rose, I really
hate to tell you this,

But it looks like we're
gonna have to amputate.

Here you go, dan.

I was gonna bring
you safety goggles,

But I didn't wanna insult you.

Nurse!

Oh, doctor, I can't tell
you how impressed I am

With the delicate work you're about
to do with those big, meaty hands.

Yes, my dear. They
were developed

After years of twisting
off non-twist-off caps.

Hey, hey. Nice tree.

When do we have to send it
back to rockefeller center?

Come on, david. Let's
go to the toy store

So we can get there before the
bellowing parents and screaming children.

Hey, you don't wanna miss that.

That's the best part, with
the kids on leashes and stuff.

Hey, dad, I'm glad you're home.

I want you to know that.

Thanks, honey. That's
really sweet of you.

I need your coat.

Uh, mine doesn't fit,

And believe it or not,
I've outgrown mom. Scary.

[Whistles]

All right. Come on, david.

Timber!

[Electric saw starts]

Hey, I'm glad I got
all this new furniture

Just in time to have you cut
down a tree in the living room!

Mark: ow.

Ow.

Ow! You...

What do you think, darlene,

Should we start here or here?

Hmm.

That is a tough one.

Darlene, for the
first time ever,

We have a beautiful
tree with all its needles.

Now, do you have to make it
look like a tacky vegas showgirl?

You wish, mother.

Ok.

Andy, let's go choose
some cookies for santa.

Make sure you put a couple
of peanut butter ones on there.

I know she likes those.

Where's dan?

I think he's upstairs
using the phone.

He's probably
talking to his mom.

Again? He's, like, so
totally obsessed with her.

I thought you said
she was all right.

She is. And don't
start criticizing him

Just because we aren't lucky
enough to have our mother in a home.

All right. All we have
to do now is fire it up.

We got a bad plug.
There's no prongs in this.

That's the female
end, you idiot.

Jeez! You must've buried the
plug in the middle of the tree!

Darn it! We're missing
a wise man again.

No, we're not.

You know what they say.

They say the yellow power ranger

Is the wisest in all the land.

You are not gonna believe
what I got dan for christmas.

It's the most
amazing present ever.

But you're not gonna believe...

It has to be better
than what fred got me.

Bubble bath.

You already opened it?

It wasn't even wrapped.

Ever since he moved in with
that d.a. Chick with them kids,

We never even see him anymore.

So what did you get
dan? Tell me. Come on.

No. You haven't been able to
keep a secret since sixth grade.

Well, why do you
bring it up, then?

Ah, I got a big mouth, too.

Oh, the new angel's beautiful.

Yeah, but she ain't
gonna look that hot

With a tree shoved up her butt.

Here, sweetie...

Allow me.

All right, everybody,
gather round.

Time for the traditional
hoisting of the angel.

Oh, god!

Ohh!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hey, let's hope santa
brings a back brace this year.

Aaahhh!

Lookee here!

Mmm. Hey, thanks, man.

Hey, hey! Those are for santa.

Now, we are gonna
put those cookies

Right over here on the mantel,

Where santa... Ohh!

That's right. My daughter
got rid of the fireplace.

Uh, I guess santa will have to
come crawling out of the cabinet.

No. We're just gonna leave
these cookies right here

Were old saint
nick can't miss 'em.

So where's that note for santa?

I got it right here, honey.

I wrote it down exactly
like the kids told me.

Oh, yeah, good.

Ahem. "Dear santa,

"Are any of your reindeer gay?

Our grandma is.
Love, andy and jerry."

What?

You know...

Kids say the darnedest things.

Boys...

It's time for bedtime, boys.

That's right. You guys
got a busy day tomorrow

Of ignoring all your toys and
playing with the boxes they came in.

Here. I'll take them upstairs.

Oh, my! We'd better hurry.

I hear reindeer hooves.

Wow. She has got great hearing.

Lookee, lookee, lookee
what I found out in the garage:

All of our old
christmas decorations.

You know, nothing says christmas

Like a string of
schlitz bottle caps.

All right, elves! It's time to
finish the christmas assembly.

Come on! Up! Up! Up!

Doberman, pepperoni,
let's go! Hey! Hey!

All right, mark, go
out to the garage,

Get me a screwdriver
and a wrench.

David, go with mark.

Find out what those things are.

Who wants a tom and jerry?

What the hell is that?

It's a hop, skip, and go naked,
only with grated nutmeg.

Hic!

Well, don't all speak at once!

I think we should get out there

Before she sucks all the nitrous
oxide out of the whipping cream can.

Here. Do something
with that, would you?

Ok. She's gone. Dig in.

But chew softly.

We should leave a cookie
with a big bite taken out of it.

How come?

'Cause it's more like
santa was really here.

He's eating his cookies, and
all of a sudden he realizes,

"Oh-oh! I got to get
back to my sleigh."

But he doesn't have time
to finish the last one.

That's realism.

Ah, bite me. I'm eating 'em all.

Cool. Christmas cookies.

Better get yours
quick. They're going fast.

You know, it really is
great seeing you guys again.

I'm really glad
you're back, dad.

Mm-hmm.

[Mumbles with mouth full]

Can i, uh... You know.

Oh, yeah, sure, go ahead.

Wow.

Hey, you should feel
it from where I am.

Nobody touches that one!

Oh, david, could you start
putting that tricycle together?

Yup. I'll just, uh...
Find the instructions.

David, men don't
read instructions.

We eyeball it, think logically,

And then wing it.

Yeah, well, you're a
professional mechanic, mr. Conner.

How would you put
these wheels on?

Well, from my last years'
experience as a professional mechanic...

Hell, I'd glue 'em on.

Ok. Everybody got their gifts?

Yeah.

All right.

That's good because we're
going to open these gifts

In an orderly fashion

That is consistent with
the fine conner tradition

Of christmas etiquette.

Ready...

Set...

Go!

And you will notice that
not one of these gifts

Was purchased by santa at the
north pole price club this year.

I can't decide
which one to open.

Well, then you don't
get either one of them.

Oh, cool! A
powerbook! Thank you!

Pearls! I have
always wanted pearls.

Oh, my god! Look at
all these video games.

Sable hair brushes.

Snakeskin boots!

You know, if you hold
those up to your ears,

They rattle.

Oh, my god!

Are these real?

Well, they ain't diamonelles from
the home shopping network, sis.

Look at me. I got a... What?

A beautiful robe.

Well, not just a robe, vanna.

It's a beautiful cashmere robe.

And if I was you, I'd check
in the pockets there.

Oh, my god!

Dan, look at that.

Yeah. I figured you could
wear it around the house

When you're watching
tv or whatnot.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Say nothing of it.

This is beautiful.

All right, everybody,

Stop what you're doing

Because it's gonna take
hours to open all our presents,

And I have something
very important right now.

In fact, I have what
I believe is called

The gift de resistance.

Wow. How beautiful.

Oh, my god. It's the mortgage.

And a zippo.

I was gonna buy
you a rolex watch,

But this here was cheaper.

Honey, I don't know what to say.

We bought the house together...

And we...

Always dreamed...

Stop...

Come on, dan. Light
that sucker up.

[Clapping]

Come on!

Yeah!

Yeow!

Beautiful.

Hey, dan, the
mansion is all ours.

Yeah, honey.

You don't have to say nothing.

Merry christmas.

[Holiday music]

I'm all alone.

They're all at the mall
exchanging everything.

Well, yeah. I miss you, too.

It's real hard spending
christmas without you.

That is so sweet.

Dan: well, I don't know
when I'm gonna get back.

I'm kind of stuck
here for a while.

He misses his mom.

Um...

Listen, I just wanted
to thank you for...

You know, being so
great with my mom.

Mom?

Yeah, well, um...

I got to go.

Yeah.

Yeah, me, too.

Ok. Bye.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Aw, for crying out loud!

Aw, great!

Just great!

[Ring]

Roseanne on answering
machine: hello.

You've reached the
conner residence, and, uh...

[Beep]

Yeah, yeah, conners?
Hello? This is santa claus.

I've got a scheduled
delivery here,

And you blocked
off the fireplace!

Don't you know you're supposed to fill
out a form when you block the chimney?

After years, the least
you could do is drop me a line.

I'm just gonna leave the
gifts by the back door.

Unless, of course,
you've changed that, too.

Oh, yeah.

Ho ho ho!