09x13 - Say It Ain't So

[bunniefuu]

[Yawning]

Well, jackie.

Some things never change.

Millions of dollars
and still no life.

Mmm. Dan?

If you're looking for roseanne,

She had to go back to the mall.

All the kids went to
see that dalmatian movie.

Some coffee?

No. No.

Hey, how's your mom doing?

Good. She's good. Real good.

Yeah, 'cause I know
we didn't get to talk.

You know, with all the holiday
stuff going on and everything,

And I just wondered
what you were doing

To k*ll time out
there in california.

Well, you know, I got my
mom set up at the facility,

And I saw some sights,
drove up the coast.

That's about it.

Oh, I spent a lot of time picking
avocados off of my sandwiches.

They put it on
everything out there.

Well, you were out there for
a couple of months, though.

Did you meet
anybody interesting?

Hey, I saw don rickles
at a gas station.

That hockey puck.

But nobody else, though, huh?

Well, I didn't go out
there celebrity-stalking.

Well, what would you
do on an average day?

'Cause I know that you would
go visit your mom in the hospital,

But then what would you do?

I don't know, have lunch.

Alone? That had
to have been hard.

You know, nobody
to talk to or eat with.

Well, jackie, obviously
I talked to people.

Yeah, but like
who in particular?

Jackie, what else do
you want to know?

What color shirt
I wore every day?

Hey, I got a jaywalking
ticket from a bicycle cop.

I gave him some sass
about his bare legs

And he upsided me in the
head with a bicycle pump.

How's that?

Ha. Were you walking across
the street all by yourself?

What the hell are
you talking about?

I'm just trying to figure out

Who you were on the
phone with yesterday.

Oh, you mean my mom.

Well, it didn't sound
like that to me.

"Thanks for being so
great with my mom."

Well, it was one of
my mom's doctors.

"It was hard being away
from you for christmas."

See, that's what
I'm not getting.

You wanted to spend
christmas with her doctor?

Well, I mean... And where
the hell do you get off

Listening to my
conversations in my house?

Oh, don't turn it around on me.

I just want to know
what the hell's going on.

Nothing's going on.

That's bull, and you know it!

What is going on, dan?

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

What was going
on out there, dan?

Please tell me that
it's not what I think it is.

Oh, my god.

It is... Isn't it?

Oh, my god.

Who is she?

She's my mother's nurse.

Oh, dan! Oh, my god, dan!

How could you do that?

Jackie, you don't understand.

No, I know it's got to
be really complicated.

Jackie, nothing has happened.

We have feelings
for each other...

Dan, just... Oh, come on!

Do you...

See, now that you have money

You think now all of a
sudden you're mr. Popular?

Do you think this woman wants
you for your girlish figure?

This has nothing
to do with money.

No, right.

No, it's -year-old
married man with kids,

What a catch!

Are you spending a
lot of money on her?

Look, just because she likes
me to take her to nice places

Doesn't mean that
she's after my money.

No! No, of course it doesn't!

She would like you just as much
if you were still a dry-waller.

She would. See,
you don't know her.

So, you... You have no idea
what you're talking about.

No, but I don't need to know her

To know that
she's not your wife.

Look, jackie, I've been
over and over this

Trying to figure
out what happened.

I don't know. Maybe there's a
part of me that needed something.

Yeah, well, I know exactly
what part that was.

[Sighs]

Jackie, you don't understand.

Nothing has happened,

And you have no idea
what this is doing to me!

Being back here,
around the family,

Trying to pretend that
everything's back the way it was,

The guilt is eating me alive!

When are you going
to tell roseanne?

Soon, ok? I just...

I have to find the right words.

I still love her.

Cut the crap!

Feelings are one thing.

It's what you do that counts.

I'm not saying
what I did was right,

But you gotta
understand something.

I married young. I
gave up a lot in my life.

Oh, boo hoo! Who hasn't?

Jackie, you don't
know what it's like!

Things are different out there!

Life is easier!

People are
-years-old, they look !

It's degrees and
sunny all the time!

It's not like here!

I don't know why I expected
better from you, dan.

It is very clear to me now

That the apple doesn't
fall far from the tree.

What the hell's that
supposed to mean?

Your father also had kind of
an eye for the ladies, didn't he?

Like father, like son.

Boy, that's a low blow.

Well, it's true.

All these years thinking that
you were better than your dad.

You're way outta line.

First time out on the road,

You do the exact same thing.

I guess the conner men
don't travel very well,

And I will tell you something,

It wouldn't surprise
me if years from now

Your sons aren't visiting their
mother in a mental institution.

Who in the hell are you to
tell me what to do anyway?

[Door slams] roseanne: damn!

You tell her, or I will.

Hi, jackie.

I dropped the kids over at
mom's for an overnighter.

What's up with you guys?

Dan: hmm?

Oh, jackie and I are
having that same old fight

About who's a better cop...

Jimmy smits or that guy
that's always showing his ass.

How was the white sale?

Well, it was awesome.

For the first time, I didn't
have to buy any irregulars.

All the fitted sheets I got
are shaped just like a bed.

Good, 'cause you must be anxious
to get the bedroom remodeled.

Hey, these babies
are top of the line.

-Thread count cotton.

Nice.

Yes, very nice.

Not too nice, though, I hope,

'Cause I still want to be
the softest thing in the bed.

Dan, did you hear what I said?

I was talking about
the sheets, you know,

So I go, "I hope
they're not too nice,

'Cause I still want to be
the softest thing in the bed."

Yeah. Ha ha.

All right, I'm gonna go,

But I will be back.

Hey, yeah, that means
we'll only have, what?

More weeks of winter, right?

Roseanne, I gotta
tell you some...

Hold it! Hold it!

You are not gonna believe this.

I go by the gas n' sip,

You know, for a bladderbuster,

And I look up there
at the tabloid rack,

You know, to see how the
chicken boy scored on his s.a.t.s,

And look what I found.

"Disney to build theme
park in gaza strip."

No, not that! Right there.

That prince carlos
that jackie's dating.

Look at that.

Look at that. He married
his chambermaid, dan.

He just met her last month,

Because as it turns out,

He had never even been to the
west wing of his own damn palace.

Says here it was
love at first sight.

Look at her, dan!
She's -years-old!

She's got the crow's feet
and everything like that.

How am I going to tell jackie?

God! Men are so
damn predictable!

Well, rose, I mean, you don't
know the whole situation.

I mean, you know,
maybe he... Maybe he...

Don't go sticking up for the guy

Just 'cause you are one.

You know, I'm just lucky

That I got me one of
the few good ones.

What were you going to tell me?

Nothin'.

Ok.

There you go.

You've got to keep them elevated

To keep them from swelling up.

Oh, d.j., That's so sweet.

All right, what's the
scam, you little grifter?

Well, god, darlene,

You're weeks pregnant.

Just trying to be nice.

Yeah, right.

Last night, you didn't
fight me for the remote.

This morning, you offered
to make me pancakes.

Now, I'm getting fed up.
Just tell me what you want.

Come on, darlene, he's
your little brother.

Just because he's being nice

Doesn't mean he wants something.

I think it's beautiful, d.j.

Shut up, snow white.

She's right.

I do want something.

All right. I want to
videotape you giving birth.

Ha ha ha. Forget it.

You can bring in your
coonskin cap to show n' tell.

Well, now, wait a minute.

This may not have been
the best method of asking,

But we do need
someone to film it.

I don't want this little
creep looking at my patootie.

You film it.

Please, darlene,
it's a portal of life.

Besides, I can't film it.

I'm going to be coaching you.

I'm getting really
good with the camera.

Besides, who else you gonna get?

David's stoner friend
who did your wedding?

Another minutes of nana mary
passed out in your shrimp cocktail?

I think it's a great idea, d.j.

We'll talk about it,

And we'll get back to you.

All right, but you
gotta let me know soon.

"Patootie"?

"Portal of life"?

Oh, yeah, bedroom's gonna
be great, roseanne. Great.

I... I like the, what
do you call that?

The medieval theme.

Yeah, well, that's because
I ordered a lot of it

Out of cher's catalog here.

Boy, she's just got great taste.

She can make any
room in your house

Look like a dungeon
for less than $ , .

Jackie?

Um, I want to talk to you.

Oh, we don't really
need to talk, roseanne.

We talk all the time.

No, come on. It's different.

Sit down.

It's best that you
hear this from me.

What?

Sit down.

[Sighs]

There's... There's just
no easy way to say this.

Oh, my god.

Let's face it, jackie.

Some relationships just are
not meant to last forever.

No, but this one, you know,

I thought would be different.

Oh, you know?

Yeah, I know.

Men are dogs!

They're dogs! Oh, they are!

Roseanne, they are dogs.

And they are pigs,
and they are swine!

Which are pigs.

Yeah, but at least
pigs have an excuse.

They're pigs.

So, what is it with men?

Why are they so pathetic?

I don't know.

I guess they're just
little babies, you know,

And they miss their
mommies or something.

They gotta get somebody
else to take care of them.

That's why they always
fall in love with their maids

Or waitresses or
nurses, you know?

I... I just can't believe
it's over. Finished. Kaput.

Well, now that it's over,

I want you to know something.

I never really liked
the guy anyhow.

What?

I was all like an act, you know?

He smelled the money.

How can you say that?

'Cause I'm just being honest,

And honestly, I can't even
believe that it lasted this long.

I mean, I didn't believe it

When I read it in the
globe or the star,

But when I seen
it in the enquirer,

I knew it had to be true.

It was in the enquirer?

Oh, my god!

Jackie, we are gonna get
through this together.

You know, I've always
said this about the royals...

They're nothing but
trailer trash with titles.

Look at her. She
looks just like dr. Ruth.

You know, I don't know
about d.j. Taping the birth.

Oh, he'll be fine.

Hey, d.j., Watch this tape

Of our friend
janet giving birth.

This is an excellent example
of what we're looking for.

Yo, spielberg, pillow.

See the camera is
present, but unobtrusive,

You know?

Ok, deej, just to help you out,

That person in the middle
of the screen is a woman.

Wow. Well, ok, there she is.

She's % effaced.

Ok, it's crowning.

That's the doctor
picking up the scissors

To perform the episiotomy.

Just a little clip
of the perineum

To make room for
the baby's head.

Man, that's a lot of blood.

Hold it. Here comes the baby.

God, isn't that beautiful?

Ha ha ha!

Wow, look at that
gush of amniotic fluid.

[Baby cries]

Hey, this cher
catalogue's got some stuff

I think we'll both like,
like this wallpaper.

Ok, this here's a chastity belt,

But from a distance, I think
it looks like a tool belt.

Yeah. Great.

So, I told jackie
about the prince.

She didn't even seem that upset.

But you know jackie.

Yeah, well, if he's anything
like the moldavians I've met,

To hell with him.

Well, she said his toes were
all webbed and stuff, you know,

Because of all the
inbreeding, I guess.

Look, roseanne, a lot's gone
down over the last months,

And I've had a real
hard time dealing with it.

Well, yeah. It's been
rough on all of us, dan,

But now that you're home,

We'll get back to normal.

Oh, yeah. Even though I'm home,

I still feel like I'm
somewhere else.

Well, that's 'cause you got a lot
of that residual california crap

Still left up in your
system, you know?

You'll be fine again

Once you get back to
drinking water out of the tap.

You know, I was alone
and away up there.

I had a lot of time to
think about things...

And I feel like there's
something inside, you know,

Something's missing,

Like there's a big hole there.

Well, as long as
there's no exit wound,

I don't think we
should worry about it.

I don't know what
I'm saying here.

I got something
really hard to tell you,

And I don't know how to start.

Well, I am your wife,
dan. You can tell me...

Roseanne, something really,
really awful has happened.

I've met someone.

Someone?

I met a woman.

Ok, so by "met,"

You don't mean just met,

Or it wouldn't have taken
you so long to tell me.

It's more than just met.

How much more?

I met her at the hospital.

Oh, yeah?

So there's a chance
she'll be dead soon?

She's my mother's nurse.

What?

I didn't sleep with her.

Roseanne, you've
got to believe this.

I did not go looking for this.

I didn't plan on this.

If I had a choice,

This wouldn't have
happened. Wait a minute.

If you had a choice?

You didn't really just
say that to me, did you?

I'm sorry. I'm
sorry. It's just...

Look, after I had my heart
att*ck, I got spooked.

I started facing
my own mortality.

Oh, I get it.

She's younger.

Oh, roseanne.

No. I'm right, aren't i?

How much younger than me is she?

Come on, roseanne, what
do you want me to say?

So what does she
do for you, dan?

She hangs on your every word?

What? She rubs the knots
out of the back of your neck?

Does your mother know
what you were doing out there?

No. I don't know what
I was doing out there.

I don't know what else to say.

Well, are you in love with her?

I'm very confused.

I know that I still love you.

Oh, my god, who wrote that line?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Well, this never
would have happened

If we hadn't won
that money, would it?

So, what now, dan?

We're part of the
privileged class,

And I get to give you
the typical response

Of the numb society wife?

Like I'm supposed to
look the other way

When they catch you in a
hotel with some call girl?

Well, I don't have that blindness
that only money can buy, dan.

I'm not rose kennedy.

I'm working class,

And that means that there's
right and there's wrong,

There's black and there's white,

And no amount of money is
going to get me to see gray.

I know that, and I know that
I have a duty to this family,

And I intend to see it through.

So that's what we are to
you after all these years, dan,

Your duty, right?

Well, isn't that
just great for you?

Then you get to be the
hero and the martyr.

Well, don't bother, dan,

'Cause while you were gone,
I learned something, too.

I'm gonna be fine.

This is k*lling me, roseanne.

You gotta understand.

This is tearing me apart.

After all these years, this is
truly, truly, the very last thing

I would have ever
expected out of you, dan.

Your duty is over.

You're free.

Go.

You know.

I overheard him on the phone.

Why didn't you tell me?

I thought it was
better coming from him,

But if he didn't tell
you, then I was gonna.

Oh, god, it's like
I never knew him.

If he could do this to you after
everything that you guys have been through,

Then maybe you're better off.

[Sighs]

Hmm. You know what
I just figured out?

We got dumped on
the very same day.

Oh, now that's a first.

Well...

I know you're not
used to it, but I am,

And I'll tell you
something, too.

This is not an ending.
This is a beginning.

I knew something was going on.

I told you.

Listen to me. We are
young, we are rich,

And we are free.

We are entering the
prime of our lives,

And there's no man
there to hold us back.

We have got one
less egg to answer,

One less bell to fry.

We can do anything
we want to do!

So don't you worry

Because we're gonna get
through this together.

Ok.

Ok.

I can do this.

Having a child is just
a natural part of life.

Ok.

It's just like watching e.r.

Here we go.

Oh, boy!

Ok. Here we go.

You can do it.

Come on, janet!

Way to go, janet.

You can do it.

I... I... I can see the...

[Baby cries]