09x14 - Hit the Road, Jack

[bunniefuu]

[Cell phone rings]

Yeah?

At cents a minute,
this better be good.

Hi, it's me. Where are you?

I'm just driving around,

Avoiding dan.

I tried staying at home

And just avoiding
his hot spots...

You know, bathroom, tv, fridge.

Where's he now?

He's in the shower.

Feel free to flush.

Maybe I should just come home.

Well, I mean...

What else can you
possibly say to the guy?

"Don't forget your swim trunks?"

Um, but don't rush back here.

You know, the kids
are still at mom's,

And you just have
to clear your head.

That is the most important thing

That you can do right now.

I guess you're right.

It's not a trip to the
post office with an U*i,

But I guess it'll have to do.

Hey, before he gets
out of the shower...

Don't worry. I'll
hide the towels.

[Hangs up]

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Oh, you're in here.

I was gonna make a sandwich.

Be my guest.

No, I'll wait.

No, I'm hungry. I...

I'll eat.

Pass the baloney.

Lettuce.

Oh, it's wet.

You didn't dry it off?

Sorry.

Um, jackie?

Dan...

Given the situation
between you and roseanne,

I think it's best
that we don't talk.

You mean to each
other or just in general?

I just mean that, uh, it's a
very unpleasant situation,

And it's probably going
to remain that way.

Well...

Perhaps a short
discussion on world famine

Might be in order.

You're still talking.

Well, I was just gonna tell
you that I licked that Kn*fe.

Damn it, dan!

Don't... Don't make me laugh.

Come on, jackie, we've been
friends for over years.

Well, I've been roseanne's
sister all my life.

Well, look,

I don't know if I'm supposed to
apologize to you or anything,

But if I am, then I do.

Wait a minute.

That used to be dairy queen.

What? They turned it
into a carpet store?

[Tuning radio]

♪ Love has passed me by ♪

You got to be kidding me.

[Turns off radio]

Man: hello. Can I
take your order?

Uh, yeah.

I'll have a...

Rooster bucket...

Crispy or soft?

Uh, crispy.

Regular or deluxe?

What's the difference?

Cheese.

And you also get your
choice of bacon or corn,

Mashed potatoes with or
without butter or gravy,

Potato salad or coleslaw,

Or biscuits with
or without honey.

Yeah.

Will that be all?

I'll take a diet
orange super silo.

Ok, would you like that
with or without the lid?

Uh, duh...

Without the lid so that I
can spill it all over myself.

Ok, so that's one r.b.,

An m.c. With the soy
chili pepper sauce,

And an o.s.s. Minus
lid. Will that be all?

Well, that was a
joke about the lid.

Sure.

Whatever you call it.

I think, also,

I'd like to take
apple doodle pies

For my kids.

Hey, son.

Hey.

What time's your plane leave?

: .

But they advise you to be at
the airport no later than : .

Can you hand me the t-shirts?

Thanks.

I'm gonna clean
the gutters today.

Oh, man, I was gonna do that.

I'll do it.

Ok.

Well, wait a minute, by george.

I forgot. I'm a
very wealthy man.

I shall hire the very
finest gutter-cleaner-outer

In all of lanford.

[Snaps]

'Cept you won't be here,
so I'll hire somebody.

You know how to do that?

I can figure it out.

Why are you going?

Well, I told you, d.j.,

I gotta go back and
take care of my mom.

I thought she was
doing a lot better.

Oh, she is.

So why are you going back?

A hospital can only do
so much. She needs me.

When are you gonna quit
talking to me like I'm stupid?!

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Look, something
bad is going on here,

And you can't pretend it's not!

Nothing bad is going on.

Don't give me that crap! Your
mom is fine! So why are you leaving?

Quit yelling at me.

Quit lying to me!

I told you my mom
is a very sick woman.

Fine. Don't tell me.

Wait. Wait.

[Sighs]

Ok... There are some things

That I need to get
straight in my head.

What the hell does that mean?

I'm sorry, deej.

That's all I can say right now.

So you just hate me, is that it?

No, I don't hate you.

You hate mom?

I love your mother. I love you.

I love becky and
darlene and jerry.

It isn't about that.

It's something I have to do.

It's all about me.

Right.

It's just about you.

Well, you'll understand someday.

Look, I understand plenty, dad!

Have a nice trip!

[Door slams]

Radio announcer: locally, an
elgin man rescued his wife

From the freezing waters
of the calumet river.

Jack bowden said,

"I just jumped in.

I don't want to
live if she doesn't."

[Changes station]

Woman: hi, dr. Susie.

I guess I'm what you'd
call the other woman.

I've been with him
for years now,

And he's finally
leaving his wife,

But I'm sort of
feeling guilty about it.

Dr. Susie: how naive, caller.

Trust me, he'll
never leave his wife.

They never do.

[Turns radio off]

Hmm.

I had kids, for god's sake!

What does he expect,

That I'm supposed to
have the very same body

I did when I was ?

Well, actually, I do.

But he loved that body.

Who am I kidding?

I don't even like
looking at myself naked.

Man on radio: the government
is funding these rec leagues

To keep inner-city
youths off the streets.

They have enough energy
to play midnight basketball,

But they're too tired to say a
prayer at school in the morning.

Where's our america going?

Shut up, ya fat ox.

Oh, my god.

They got rid of the
doughnut shop, too.

Uh, sorry.

No, it's ok.

Uh, that's all
right. You take it.

I've seen sid & nancy before.

Me, too. It's one
of my favorites.

I think they put it on
the wrong shelf, though.

This is with all the
stallone, schwarzenegger,

$ -Million-budget
hollywood-media-empire crap.

I was kind of looking
for the documentaries.

Oh, they're right over here.

They mix them with
the foreign films.

Did you ever see crumb?

God, I love this movie.

This has to be the most
screwed-up family ever.

I don't know about you, but
I can really relate to that.

Yeah.

You know, my sister used
to have some r. Crumb comics.

She used to b*at me
up for looking at them.

Oh, my god, are
they the originals,

You know, the ones
from the sixties?

Probably.

They smell funny.

Oh, here's a great french film.

the delicatessen.

It's about a butcher who kills
the people who live over his shop,

Then he cuts them up and
serves them to his customers.

No way.

See, the message is

That's what our inhuman society

Makes us do to each other.

We slice each other
up and eat each other...

Blood, guts, brains,
and everything.

So the message
is, "hey, hey, hey!

Like, we suck."

You like robert rodriguez?

Oh, god, of course.

He's king of the independents.

And linklater?

Totally!

I saw slackers and thought,

"How does this guy know
me and my friends so well?"

Felt the same way.

I'm heather.

I'm d.j.

D.j. Ooh, initials but no name.

I like a mystery.

So what's d.j. Stand for?

Wait, wait, wait. Don't tell me.

You know, I don't like
to brag or anything,

But I make videos.

Oh, wow. Me, too. Me, too.

I want to make films that'll,
like, change the world.

I mean, I love comedies,
especially silent ones.

I mean, chaplin, harold lloyd,

And, of course, buster keaton.

That stone face,

Funny and tragic at
the same time, you know?

Did you know he was
in beach blanket bingo?

God, can you believe that great
guy was in that crappy movie?

I bet you we know a
lot of the same stuff.

I bet.

So, scorsese, what kind of
films are you gonna make?

I'm thinking documentaries,

'Cause I like turning on the camera
in my house and seeing what I get.

It's way better than
anything I could think of.

I love documentaries.

Have you seen brother's keeper?

It's amazing!

So, of course, it didn't
get nominated for an oscar.

Of course.

Yeah, I think those oscars
are all politics anyway.

They totally suck!

I mean, it's just one
big fashion show.

It has nothing to do
with serious filmmaking.

Yeah, I just sit there watching it
every year going, "man, this bites!"

Have you seen microcosmos?

No. Is it about something small?

No, it's this amazing
documentary about insects.

The people that made it,

They made their
own special cameras

So they could film the
insects from really close up.

There's this ladybug, and
she's walking down a limb, right?

Ants are on the limb, too, ok?

So the ants start freaking out.

No way!

So the ladybug closes
herself inside her shell.

Then there are bees,
and they're right there!

No way!

And there are these
huge rhino beetles

That get into this
really big fight!

And oh, my god.

The best part...

Has the hottest...

Most amazing love scene ever.

No way.

But only with snails.

Huh. No way.

I mean, it's totally amazing.

You just have to
see it for yourself.

We should hang out
together sometime and watch it.

Yeah, sure.

How about this afternoon?

Today?

Uh, yeah, that sounds good.

Why don't you take
whatever you want from here

And come over to my house later?

Sure.

All right.

Pen.

Here's where I live.

And here's my number.

Can you read that, ok?

Yeah, I write way smaller
than that before a test.

I used to do that,

But then I heard film school
doesn't care about grades.

I'll see you later.

Woman: hello. Welcome to buckey
burger. May I take your order?

Uh, yes.

I'd like a super burger with...

Hello.

Welcome to buckey burger.
May I take your order?

Yes, I'd like a super burger...

Please speak directly
into the buckey board menu.

I'd like a super burger

With extra cheese!

A large freeze?

No!

A super burger

With extra cheese!

So that's one super
burger and one large freeze.

No, you moron! I said ex...

Yes, ma'am, we can put more on.

That'll be cents extra.

[Movie playing]

This whole town
is full of idiots.

Yeah.

I mean those jerks at school,

The people you
meet on the street.

I mean, I feel like I'm totally
on my own, you know?

That's just how I feel.

God, d.j., This is so great.

I've just never met
another person who gets it.

A while back I thought I
was connecting with this guy,

So we started talking about
movies, of course, right?

Then he says he liked
independence day.

How can you walk
around on the planet

With somebody like that?

I hated independence day.

Yeah, I really don't have that
many friends I can trust anymore.

Not since my family
won the lottery.

There's a great movie.

the lottery?

I don't know that one.

It's awesome.

It's about winning
this lottery, right?

So at first everyone
thinks it's a good thing,

But then at the end, the
winner is, like, stoned to death.

No way!

You should check it out.

So your family really
won the lottery, huh?

Yeah.

How much was it?

Million.

[Whistles]

Wow.

Yeah.

You'd think it'd make
everything great.

All it did was
screw everything up.

My family used to have money.

You heard of sperber dr*gs?

We used to own it.

What do you mean, "used to
have money"? What happened?

Ah, you know, my
mom started using.

First it was percocet,
valium, xanax...

You know, stuff lying
around the pharmacy.

Yeah, my family's
pretty screwed up, too.

You know, at
thanksgiving dinner,

My grandmother announced
to everyone that she was gay.

I think at least one of
my stepdads was gay.

one of your stepdads?

How many have you had?

Let me see.

There's tom...
He's the gay guy...

Garvin, the guy with boat,

What's-his-name, and
the guy I never met.

So .

You know, my other
grandmother, the one who isn't gay?

She's a schizophrenic.

Yeah.

Today my dad walked out on us.

Which one?

I just have one.

One, and you're ragging?!

Ho...

Ow, ow, ow!

God.

[Exhales]

Oh.

Well, maybe now that
I've b*rned my tongue

And I don't have
any taste buds left,

Then I won't be
able to eat so much,

So I won't be
such a big fat pig,

And then my husband
won't leave me.

Look at that guy.

I hate men.

I should do his wife a favor

And just run him over right now.

I'd get caught, though.

Sent to prison.

Then I'd have to prove myself

Out in the yard every day.

[Sighs]

No, no.

If o.j. Can get away
with it, so can i.

All's I have to do

Is get me a jury of
fat, dumped housewives.

[Engine revs loudly]

You better run,
you little wiener!

[Cell phone rings]

Hello?

Dan: hi. It's me.

Um, I'm at a hotel
near the airport.

I switched to a later flight

Because I was wondering, um,

Well, if you're
not too far away,

Maybe we could meet
somewhere and talk.

Look, I don't blame
you for not answering.

I wouldn't talk to me either.

But I just don't feel
ready to get on the plane.

Well, I just don't feel ready

To have you come home.

Well...

All right, then.

Yeah, all right, then!

[Dialing]

Hey, jackie.

It's me.

I need you to come
and pick me up.

I'm over at, like,
th and sheffield.

No!

No, I'm not ok.

What's wrong? What is it?

My ears are freezing,
my butt is tired,

And I think I have a french
fry lodged in my larynx.

That's it?

You sounded crazy on the phone.

You scared me to death.

I didn't mean to scare you.

I just could not be behind
that wheel one more second.

Well, you did the right thing,

You know, coming
from an ex-trucker.

Driving and crying do not mix.

So dan finally left the house.

Yeah, I know. He
called me in my car.

He called you?

I think he wanted me to
beg him to stay or something.

What did you say?

I told him I didn't
want him to come home.

And then you've just been
driving around this whole time?

Yeah.

Yeah, I learned something,
too, jackie, you know?

There really aren't too
many places to go in lanford.

But fortunately, I was able to
collect enough ketchup packets

To take us right
into the ice age.

Well, I'll follow you home.

You... You want to go by denny's

And pig out on milkshakes
and grand slams?

I know you're not
gonna believe this, jackie,

But for the first
time in my life,

I think I'm full.

[Sighs]

Ah, what the hell.
Yeah! I'll follow you.