09x17 - Some Enchanted Merger

[bunniefuu]

This coffee's great.

It's like regular coffee,

But, like, with the
volume turned up!

Yeah, well, it's
this jamaican stuff

That edgar told me about.

I think his dad used to
own about half of jamaica.

When'd you start
grinding your own beans?

Oh, you know, edgar
told me to do that.

He also said that you should
keep the beans in the freezer.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Well, don't drink it yet

Till I put the cinnamon in it,

Because, you know,
that's what edgar does.

He's really funny when he's
making the coffee, you know?

He kind of hums all to himself.

He stands there, you know,

And he's like, scoop, hmm,

Scoop, hmm.

Well, so, you been seeing
a lot of edgar lately.

No, I haven't!

Yeah, you have.

Yeah, you've been
over at his place,

Like, um, every day
since you met him.

That's working on
the wellman deal. God.

It's not like, you
know, edgar...

Oh, edgar. Ha ha ha. Edgar.

Edgar.

Edgar. Ha ha ha ha!

What?!

Well, what? Look
at... You're... You're...

You've said his name, like, a
dozen times already this morning.

Uh-uh!

Yes, you have.

What, do you have a problem

With hearing the name edgar?

No. I'm thinking, though,

That you might be getting to
develop a little crush on the guy.

Oh!

Jackie: what?

Let's go drive by his house.

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Look, jackie, I think
I'm a little too old

To have a crush on anybody.

That is so lame.

The guy is gorgeous,
and you know it,

So just admit it.

No, he is. He's
really cute, isn't he?

He kind of reminds me of, like, gary
cooper or something, you know?

One of those cowboy types

That would actually, like, tip
his hat when he passes a lady.

Listen to you. You're,
like, that far away

From doodling his
name in your yearbook.

I'm just stating a fact.
The man is good-looking.

I mean, he's extremely
good-looking.

You know, I'm just trying
to help you out here

Because you are really
vulnerable right now,

You know, with dan being gone,

And you're alone a lot.

Jackie, I don't do vulnerable.

Well, all right, fine,
whatever, you know, but...

You don't have to
admit that part of it.

Just let me give you a
little piece of advice.

Take it slow.

Um, listen.

Once the whole
wellman deal is complete,

Me and edgar will probably
never even see each other again.

Yeah, you're probably right.

I mean, I might have to
call him once or twice

To see how things
are going. I mean...

I did give the guy $ million.

You're a lucky man, edgar.

I have money,

But...

I don't have what you've got.

Well, roseanne, there are
things that money can't buy.

Not very many.

Nice sh*t.

So... Ahem... I'll just
read over the contract

And then sign it, and
then we're all set, huh?

Mmm, well...

Listen, why don't you just not
worry your pretty little head

About stuff like that and
just go right ahead and sign it?

Oh, if there's one thing
my old man taught me,

It's to read something
over before I sign it.

Let's see, "through
the fourth quarter,

Compounded annually,
parties obligated to..."

Wait a minute. What's this?

See, this doesn't even
concern you at all.

Just go right
ahead there, sign it.

No, I must be reading this wrong

Because according to this,

After you give me
the million bucks

And I pay off the bank loan,

I have to sleep with you.

So?!

So that's not what we agreed to.

Hey, did you think I was
just giving you the money?

How stupid do you think I am?

Roseanne...

Hey, hey, hey. Money
will come and go, ok?

But this night is
gonna last forever.

Now sign the damn thing
and get them pants off.

Hey!

You were thinking about
him just now, weren't you?

I was not! I was thinking
about, uh, doing the laundry.

Whose laundry?

Uhh...

Aaahh!

Hey, deej, how you hittin' em?

How am I hittin' what?

No, no, no. It's another
way of saying "how ya doin'?"

You know, they
call it an allegory.

Can you hand me
that phillips head?

Cheers.

Not so good.

What?

I'm not hitting 'em so good.

Yeah, I know when I
was your age, man,

I had a lot on my mind.

Then I got a little
older, and it went away.

So, what's up there, big guy?

Well...

It's heather.

We've been hanging
out for a while now,

Everything's going great,

We really like each other...

Hey, stop right there, kid.
You came to the right guy.

I know women. I married one.

I've been up and down that road,

Busted a couple of tires,
even broke an axle or two.

Can we skip the analogies
and get to the point?

Hey, hey, look, I'm just trying

To help you out
here, kid, you know?

Women are tricky, and you're
still wet behind the neck.

Sorry.

Look, it's all right, all right?

I wanna help you, ok?

But I don't want to
waste my valuable time

Unless you really,
really like this girl.

Yeah, I do. I really, really do.

Ok. So what's the problem?

All right. She went to
chicago with her mother

And didn't even tell
me till the day before.

Come on. She's years old.
Give her a break, you know?

She still gotta do
what her mother says.

Yeah, I know, but
there's other stuff,

Like when we go out, she
always wants to pick where we go.

Well, who cares, as long as you're
out with her and she's looking good?

Ok.

I guess what gets me,
she's all opinionated.

Doesn't even care if I
agree with her or not.

Dump her.

There's more to this edgar
thing than you're letting on.

Ok.

Ok, just... Just have a seat.

Ok, and I'm gonna
tell you something,

And I do not want you to
freak out or smirk at me

Or pop out your eyes or
any of that weird stuff.

Ok. Just say it.

Maybe I do have a
crush on him, yeah.

Shut up!

Ok. Sorry, sorry. You know...

No reaction. No reaction.

Maybe I do have feelings
for him, you know,

And it's freaking me out
because I still love dan,

And I still think I hear
him in the house here.

Ok, let me say, uh...

Let me ask one question.

You better be careful.

Does edgar know
that you feel this way?

No!

Of course he doesn't,
'cause whenever I'm with him,

I just babble like an idiot
and stare at his teeth.

I mean, the guy's been
everywhere, he's done everything.

He's been around the world.

That's my point, you see?

What I'm thinking, now,
he's sown his wild oats, see?

Now he might be looking for
something a little more earthy.

What's that, a nice
way of saying fat?!

No. See... Ok...

All right, now...

You love dan, and yet
you're attracted to edgar,

So this becomes the question:

Do you encourage that with edgar

And open up that
whole can of worms,

Or do you shut out all your
feelings about edgar, you see,

And hold everything
down deep inside of you

Buried for the
rest of your days?

And then do you
live with that...

Put a lid on it, ok?

'Cause you're making me even more scared
than I was when I first talked to you.

I mean, you know, the last
time I went out with somebody,

It lasted for years.

Well, see? That went
pretty well, didn't it?

Did he ask you on a date?

No! No. And I could never
go on a date anyway.

I mean, that would be like
going back in the work force

After your kids have
gone off to college

Or prison or wherever.

No, it's not that bad.

Yeah, it is. It's like a
whole new technology.

It's like if you got
trained on a typewriter,

And now everybody's
using computers.

I wouldn't even know
where to put my fingers.

No. That would all
come back to you,

But see, now
what I'm thinking is,

You know, you and edgar
actually have a lot more in common

Than you realize.

The two of you saved
wellman's plastics together,

Let alone a whole town.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I guess I never
thought about it like that.

May I present to you
the first lady de lanford,

Rosita duarte del wellman.

Workers of wellman,
I know your suffering.

I am one of you,

Or I was one of you
until I got really rich

And could afford to
buy all these cool gowns.

But the fact is

The general and I are turning
over the factory to you,

The workers.

Don't cry for me,
wellman plastics.

The fact is I've
finally bought you.

We're simple people

With blue collars

Who just happen to have

♪ Million dollars ♪

♪ Who just happen to have ♪

♪ Million dollars ♪

[Cheering]

Yeah, so she, uh...

She's independent,

And you don't want to dump her.

Your only choice:

Tame her.

Can you tell me how to do that?

Sure. I tamed your
sister, didn't i?

And she's a conner woman.

Let me tell you,

That ain't no freakin'
night in france.

So what do I do?

All right, rule number uno:

Don't let them dress you, ok?

Like this one time, becky
wanted me to wear this tie

To this fancy restaurant, right?

I didn't.

So we get there, the
maitre'd doesn't let us in.

We get home, she runs
into the bedroom crying.

I eat a tv dinner, like I
wanted to in the first place.

Weren't you
worried she'd be mad?

No, no. See, I smoothed things
out later that night, huh?

Yeah.

Which brings us
to rule numero :

The man controls the romance.

Like how?

Like, say, becky's kissing
me on the neck, all right?

Even though I like
it, I tell her I'm busy.

I shrug it off.

Ok, now, I don't get this.

You like it, so why do
you pretend you don't?

It's all about control.

You got to let her know that you're
making the decisions here, right?

Later on, she's that
much more eager.

Wow.

Yeah.

Rule "c":

If she says to you
"I love you," right,

Whatever you do, you
don't say it back to her

'Cause then she's got you.

Just say "me, too" or "ditto."

What does that get you?

Respect, right?

That'll make them try that
much more harder next time.

Sure, they might get fed
up with you once in a while,

Cut you off, you know,
sometimes a week... Maybe ...

Once even days.

But the beauty part of it is they're
cutting themselves off, too, right?

So who's the loser there?

I'm not sure any of this stuff

Is going to work
on heather, though.

Of course it will, man.

All women are the same, man.

Of course, some have
bigger boobs, eh, mark?

Now you're catching on, baby.

Well, that about does it.

The employee buyout of
wellman plastics is complete.

Workers of the world, unite.

It's miller time.

Would you settle
for, uh, champagne?

Whoa. I'm so impressed.

You got your own bucket thingie.

You've done something
great here, roseanne.

Well, I figure I owed
it to the factory.

After all, it did suck the
life out of me for years.

Well, that's all
going to change now,

Now that the employees
are working for themselves.

I think we should have a toast.

Oh, I know. To the
people of argentina.

What?

Oh, that's just some
old saying in my family.

Yeah?

So now that the whole
buyout deal is complete,

I'll let you get back to whatever
in the hell it was you were doing

Before you started going
around saving all these factories.

This has been great.

I got to tell you, I've really
enjoyed spending time with you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, then, you know,
uh, maybe we could...

Still spend time together,

You know, if that's what
we both, you know, kinda...

God, how many logs did
you stick on that fire?

Yeah, I guess it is getting
a little warm in here.

What were we talking about?

That we don't have to
quit spending time together

Because we finished
our business.

Yeah, 'cause you are
really easy to... Be with.

So are you. Thanks.

No, really, I've felt this
connection with you.

You know much about
eastern philosophy?

No... Oh, you mean much? No.

You know, I lived in
the ashram for a year,

And ever since we met,
I just had this feeling

This strange feeling that
we've met somewhere before,

But... Well, like,
naw, this is silly.

No. No, that's ok.

You can keep going. I'll
just have more to drink.

I think we must have known
each other in another lifetime.

I look in your eyes, and I
see deeper than the you

That's sitting right
here in front of me.

Does that make sense?

Well, yeah, I mean, you know,
it sounds ok when you say it.

I mean, if somebody
else said it,

I'd think they
were full of crap.

How come you never got married?

I don't know. I guess I never
found the right woman.

Well, I mean, you certainly had
a lot of opportunities, right?

I mean, look at you.

Sure, I've had opportunities,

But they were all
on a superficial level.

I want something deeper.

I'll bet you feel
that way sometimes.

Oh, yeah, I mean, only every
single minute of my life.

I mean, I'm really tough on
the outside and everything,

But, um, I don't know.

I've always wondered
what it would be like,

You know, just for one day

To be that girl that all
the guys are staring at.

You know?

The one that they can't
take their eyes off of.

I've never told
anybody that before.

Well, thanks for taking
me into your confidence.

I'm honored, roseanne.

God, it's been so great
working with you, edgar.

It's just been great.

Yeah.

Roseanne, I can't take
my eyes off of you.

[March plays]

Where have you been?!

It's : in the morning.

For all I know,

You could have been
rolled in a ditch somewhere!

I was just about to
start to call hospitals!

Hey, be quiet, ok?

You're gonna wake
everybody in the whole house!

Hospitals? This is lanford.
There's only one hospital!

You had me worried sick.

Well, ground me and take
the car away for a month!

All right, what happened?

Come... Come here!

What'd he do,

Pump you full of booze
and turn on the charm?

Do we have anything
to eat around here?

'Cause I'm starving!

Oh, no!

All right, stop toying with me.

I want to know what happened.
I want to know right now.

Oh, jackie!

Edgar is such a great
person, you know?

He's nice. He's funny.

He's really smart.

God, he's so good-looking.

Yeah, I know that!

I... Sit down!

You tell me the part
that I don't know!

All right, well, you know,

Part of me just wanted to go
ahead and just do it, you know?

I mean, I even
imagined us together.

It was incredible.

I saw rockets lifting.
I saw fireworks.

I saw waves crashing
against the shore.

I saw great big
trays of doughnuts!

It was awesome!

But it was all in my head.

You know, the part of
me that was sittin' there...

Huh. I just shook his hand,

Then I stayed there talkin'
for a couple of hours.

And you just walked away.

Wow.

I don't know, jackie.
I just couldn't.

I'm just an old married
lady, you know?

Can't fool around.

No. Maybe if I would have met
edgar another time, another place...

You know, one
of those stories...

But I didn't, and it
didn't, and it doesn't,

And here I am, boom.

No regrets?

Yeah, I got a lotta regrets.

I'm gonna cherish
every one of 'em.

Well, I'm gonna go.

Oh, would just
stay with me, jackie?

'Cause... I know I'm not
gonna be able to sleep,

You know, for days, probably.

All right.

These are stale.

Jackie, argentina, ok?

And is that the one
with all the rain forests

Or the one with all the nazis?

Hey, mark, took your
advice about heather.

Oh, great. You don't
have to thank me.

She called me a pig

And kicked me out of her house!

That's perfect!

You got her right
where you want her!

She's gonna call you tomorrow

And tell you that she's sorry.

She left a headless
ken doll in my locker!

Oh, man. That's even better!

Deej, this girl really digs you.

No, I don't think so. I
think she's really mad.

Of course she
is. She's miserable.

She can't stop
thinking about you.

Look, I'm the one
who's miserable.

I'm gonna call
her and apologize.

Hey, kid.

What are you, gay?

Look, we gotta think of ways
to keep this thing goin' here.

[Snaps fingers]

Got it. You walk by her house
holdin' another girl's hand.

How do you come
up with this stuff?

It's a gift!