09x21 - The Truth Be Told

[bunniefuu]

I'm going to have
to call you back.

The subject on
the ricki lake show

Is "too fat to be a drag queen."

Ma, ma, ma! You
gotta get channel .

You're not gonna believe this.

Reporter: hollywood tonight has
learned that all of hollywood

Is in a feverish bidding w*r
for the rights to the life story

Of illinois lottery
winner roseanne conner.

That's you! That's you!

Oh, my god, turn that up!

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Yeah, this is her.

What?!

D.j., It's some network
guy from los angeles...

Howard morton?

Even I've heard of him.

Wow.

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Ok, well... Oh...

Could you hold on a minute,
howard? I've got another call.

Hello.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

You're from where?

Oh. Well, isn't that
a cable station?

Listen, could you hold a minute?

I got a real network
on the other line.

Yeah, howard, hello.

Um, no, I really
don't have any people

That could call your people.

Um, why don't you just come
here and talk to me yourself?

All right, then.

Thank you.

D.j...

A star is born.

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

I can't believe the
department store

Delivered all these clothes.

Yes, along with my
own clothes boy.

God, I wonder what
I'm going to wear

To try to impress
this network guy.

Well, this looks very fetching.

Oh, that is divine.

Now, see, that is something

That you should maybe wear

When you have your
picture in tv guide.

Hey, I'm going for the cover.

I need something
a little more bold.

Perhaps this.

Oh, that's great.

Now, you know
who you'd look like.

That... That anna nicole smith.

That's who should play me.

See?

She's seen her share of pain,

And yet she's still beautiful.

And smart enough to hook
herself up with some old coot

That's got both
feet in the grave.

Oh...

Gently. Gently.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

I'm paying for it.

I just, uh...

Can't decide.

I think I'm partial to this one.

Ohh!

I just decided who
should play me.

Jaclyn smith.

She's the queen of the m.o.w.s.

I don't know. I
just cannot decide.

Shall I have another
truckload brought over?

Hey, hey, hey.

Look who's slackin' now.

Hey! This is my
meeting, not yours.

Just relax. I just
want to meet him.

Although tv isn't
my medium of choice,

It doesn't hurt to make a
few future connections.

Hello, hello.

I trust I'm now entering
hollywood east.

Oh, scott, you look great.

You look just like a lawyer.

Well, I am a lawyer.

[Gasps]

These dresses are fabulous!

Is this what you're
going to be wearing?

You know, you are so... Good!

I just can't believe it.

Where else would I find a guy

Who could pick out
the perfect dress

and close a great big
hollywood movie deal?

Oh, I don't know.

Universal, warner brothers,

Paramount, disney.

Mmm.

Bevvy, you must be so excited

About roseanne's meeting today.

I'd be a lot more excited if
I was allowed to be there.

Ooh, to be a fly on the wall.

Don't you worry, now, bev.

I'm sure that scott will have
all of the gory details for us.

I know, but it is
so infuriating.

She treats me like a child.

[Doorbell rings]

I mean, it's not like I
would just blurt out

That I was a lesbian in front
of a complete stranger.

Can I help you?

I'm looking for
ms. Beverly harris.

That's me.

Oh, uh, my name
is frank andrews.

I'm a journalist, and I was hoping
to get an interview with you.

Really?

Yes.

The mother of the woman
who won the lottery?

I think it's a very
compelling story.

Bevvy, where are your manners?

Why don't you
invite the nice man in?

Hello.

Hello.

Hi. Leon carp.

And it's spelled
just like the fish.

Oh.

And I'm joyce.

L-e-v-i-n-e.

Leveen.

Le vine.

So, uh, what paper
do you write for?

Oh, uh, I'm, uh...

Freelance, actually,

But I've done stories for
all the big publications.

You know... atlantic monthly,

the new yorker...

people.

Oh!

Well...

In that case,

Why don't you just sit right
down here by me, darling,

And I will tell you
all about bevvy.

Well, now, joyce, I have
known her a lot longer.

Oh, but I know her a lot better.

[Joyce laughs]

I, uh, want to hear
from all of you,

But I think I'll start with bev.

Oh, my, where shall we start?

Yeah, there's so many.

I... I hope you have
more paper in the car.

Boy, I'm going to charm the
pants off of these people.

This is a slam dunk.

Wow, what a remarkable
piece of sculpture...

Such a brash statement about
the inevitable failure of technology.

No, sir, that's a
buick on blocks.

Guess who?

Howard morton, president of abx,

And this is my
associate bill morris.

Hello.

This is unbelievable.

I've read your
story over times,

And every time I read it, I said,
"what does rosey look like?"

And this is what I
imagined. No, no, I'm rosey.

I know. I was just
talking to your brother.

Look what I have for you...

Abx hats and t-shirts,

And they're free.

In other words, they're not going to
come out of the budget of this project.

Howard morton.

Nice to meet you, sir.

Sit down.

We at abx are so excited

About your movie of the week,

And, if it works, a
guaranteed series.

Well, now, hold on. My
client hasn't said yes yet.

Yeah, scott here is, uh...

Well, he's kind of my
lawyer. For now, anyway.

Well, I didn't know they had
entertainment lawyers here in, uh...

Lanford.

Actually, my field
is probate law.

Now, I am particularly
concerned what is going to happen

To my client's interest in
this project after she's dead.

Gee, scott, i... I don't
think after I'm dead

That I'm really going to be
interested in much of anything.

Look, let me make it clear
to you what's going on.

First of all, isn't your
husband involved in this?

Yeah, uh, dan?

[Dan burps]

He shouldn't have
drank those milkshakes.

Well, i... I think maybe we're going
to have to excuse my husband.

Um, he just found out
he's lactose-intolerant.

[Dan makes nauseous groans]

Dan: oh, god.

Look, I feel that my client...

Let me tell you a little
bit about myself, ok?

First of all, television is in
my blood from the ground up.

I graduated from harvard.

I got a master's
at yale in drama.

I went to carnegie
mellon and got a ph.d.

And how did you get
involved with this network?

A friend of my
dad's got me the job.

Ah.

Well, that's all
very interesting,

But what we really want
to hear about is this movie.

Oh, give me that chart.

Hi.

Oh, this is my son d.j.

D.j., This is, uh,
mr. Howard morton.

Mr. Morton, it's
so nice to meet you.

I'm familiar with
your body of work.

Oh, thanks, b.j.

It's d.j.

I'm a filmmaker myself. I
mean, I have a reel here,

If you wouldn't mind
taking a look at it.

I think I have a unique voice.

Yeah, you do have
a unique voice.

I'll show this to the
executives, see what they think.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very so much.

Thank you.

What's wrong with him?

Nothing.

It must be the haircut.

Yes, anyway, you were about
to tell us about the movie.

Normally, I don't get
involved with this garbage,

But this is a fascinating story.

Your profile was extremely low

Vis-a-vis urban focus groups,

But your "q" rating outside
the major metropolitan areas,

Especially among states with
high levels of lottery participation,

Was significant
enough for us to think

The right time slot could
yield excellent demographics,

A strong rating,

And a very good audience share.

You're the lawyer.
What did he say?

Well, I think I recognized
the word "lottery."

Oh, my god, I'm screwed.

Don't worry, roseanne.
He's slick, but I can handle him.

Mr. Morton, if you don't mind,

Let's return for a moment to
the time of my client's death.

Scott.

Um, could you just speak
regular english to us?

I'm sure you must've picked
that up at yale or harvard

Or the melon-ball school.

I'm going to talk
slower and louder, ok?

Great.

You're blue-collar.

Middle america is blue-collar.

Americans want to see
themselves on television.

Got it?

Yes, got it.

Who would you like
to see play rosey?

I got a surprise for you.

What if I said melanie griffith?

Melanie griffith?

I knew you were
going to say that.

You don't think we can get her.

I've already sent her the
story, and she loves it.

And her husband loves it.

Can you believe that?
The cover of tv guide:

rosey, starring melanie
griffith and don johnson.

She's not even married
to don johnson anymore.

Oh, that's right...
Antonio bonaduce.

Yeah, that means we'll get
the partridge family following.

This is a guaranteed hit.

Ok, you've got to
be kidding me, right?

Because...

Melanie griffith
looks nothing like me.

Roxey, we can't
have fat people on tv.

What about rosie?

Who? Rosie grier.

Not rosie grier. That's
the one o.j. Confessed to.

Rosie o'donnell.

Who's he?

Daytime.

Oh, fat works in daytime.

It doesn't work in prime time.

Why is that?

Because.

Because why?

Just because, that's why.

Ok, this really doesn't
make any sense at all.

Just a minute ago you were
saying that the american people

Want to see a reflection
of themselves on t.v.

Look, roseanne, I don't want
the fat to come between us.

We'll compromise... Oprah.

Oprah's black.

Don't you see why
that's brilliant?

If it doesn't work on our
network, we can sell it to fox.

Well, oprah lost all her weight.

Do you have a dog?

No. That smell's
from the old carpet.

Boss, we got a girl
stuck in a well in idaho.

Get the rights to it. We might want
to animate it for saturday morning.

Now listen to me.

What we do on our network
that no other network does

Is we put humor into everything,

So the whole family can watch.

I'll give you an example.

A guy is married for
years, all right?

True to his wife, he's
at a christmas party...

And there's his wife
brushing her teeth.

He said, "honey,
what's going on?"

She said, "quiet,
you'll wake my mother."

Oh, my god, that's
horribly offensive.

Of course it is.
It's cable crap.

We don't do that on abx.

That's what I'm
trying to tell you.

You've got to do
your story with us.

Well, but you're not even
talking about my story anymore.

You guys said you wanted to
do a real story about my family.

Roseanne, the base
characters are your family,

But we have to make
them attractive.

Nobody in their right mind is
going to want to look at you.

Mr. Morton, may I point out

That any waiver of
legatee obligation

Without prima facie evidence
of equalized participation

Would constitute a
nunc pro tunc agreement.

Yeah, exactly.

What did you say?

I'm not sure. I just
want to let him know

That we can be confusing, too.

Let me simplify it.

It's friends meets party
of five meets savannah.

Bingo.

So, you're saying that it'll
be about a bunch of bulimics

And shows that nobody watches.

Look, I have been doing
this for a long time...

Over a year and a half...

And I know what the
american public wants to see.

Well, I really don't
think you do, howard.

You're talking to us like you
think we're a bunch of hicks,

But you're the real hick.

You're totally out of touch with
what the american people want.

I get what's going on here.

Chubby is incredibly
difficult to deal with.

Now, look...

Sit.

Let's go. We're out of here.

You know, I want to say one
more thing before I leave.

I'm sure you'll agree with me.

That was one fantastic meeting.

All we have to do is have lunch,

Iron out a few details,

And we've got a smash movie.

Don't lose any weight, melanie.

Good luck, little lady.

I think we got him just
where we want him.

Let me type up my notes.

Great taste?

Howard.

Bobbie. How's the softball team?

We're still undefeated.

Boy, you still got the grip.

Hi, mrs. Connor?

I'm bobbie barrows,

President of the home
movie channel cable network.

Yeah, sit down.

Well, looks like we've
got ourselves another one.

No, it is absolutely true.

Roseanne stole a gallon jar
of mayonnaise from rodbells.

She claimed that
she borrowed it.

Oh, for that matter, she also
borrowed an -pound salami.

Remember?

That must have
been some sandwich.

Now, now, wait! I've got a
better roseanne story than that.

Well, I'm all ears.

Well, one time roseanne
found this bag of marijuana.

No.

And at first, she thought
it belonged to david.

You see, he and
darlene were having sex,

So roseanne let him
live in the basement.

Anyway, it turned out
not to be david's after all.

Remember? It was roseanne's.

Now, was that before or
after d.j. Stole the car?

Oh, before. I think. Wasn't it?

Hey, with roseanne,
it's all just a blur.

Oh, I haven't had so much fun

Since I opened for jamie
farr at the silver slipper.

Well, I must be off,

But you have all
been just delightful.

This story practically
writes itself.

Oh. Oh.

Uh, could... Could you tell us
wh-when it's going to come out?

Uh, trust me.

You won't be able to miss it.

So I guess the
bottom line is this:

We at hmc are very eager to
do a movie about your life story.

Well, I didn't figure

That you were here
to give us free cable.

Can you get us free cable?

Ms. Barrows, we've
already had a meeting

With the president of abx.

Yes, and he had an assistant

Who came right up to his elbow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I go back a long
way with howard.

Let me guess: he told you

He loves your story,

But he just wants to change
a few things, is that right?

No fat people, no gay people...

He basically just wants
to sanitize your entire life.

Am I right?

That's pretty much
exactly what he said.

Of course he did.

And that's exactly why
you got to go with cable.

Now, we can't pay you the same kind
of money the network can pay you,

But what do you care?
You got $ million.

But we can give you something
that the network can't:

The chance to tell your story,

Complete, as it is,

Totally uncensored.

Well, that is what
I want, you know,

I mean, if I decide to do it.

Well, I'm sure you're familiar

With some of our
critically acclaimed shows.

Our exposé on the white
supremacists in montana...

Our -part series on
the life of beethoven...

And all the naked
movies on friday night.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, ha!

drive-in friday nights.

Hey, are you guys really
gonna get pamela lee to host?

We're in talks with her, yes.

We can feature all different
kinds of programming,

Because we're not
slaves to the ratings.

The only thing we
have to care about

Is that our subscribers
get their payments in on time.

Ms. Barrows, I'm a lawyer,

And even though I
specialize in probate law...

Listen, your client
dies, her family's still in

For % of the action, ok?

Well, that answers
all my questions.

So I could really
have my story told

Uncensored?

Absolutely. For example:

I understand that when
you told your husband

The news about the lottery win,

You were wearing your bra.

Yes, she was!

Yes, she was. I was there.

Now, you see, on our network,

You could be topless.

Or even totally nude
if you wanted to be.

And instead of saying,

"Gee whiz, I won the lottery,"

You could say,

"Well, [bleep] me [bleep],

I hit the [bleeping] jackpot."

Wow!

Where the hell did you grow up?

Oh. This is my son d.j.

D.j., This is ms. Barrows.

Ms. Barrows? Wow!

I'm familiar with
your body of work.

Yeah, thanks, kid.

You know, I'm a
filmmaker myself.

I have a reel here, if you
wouldn't mind taking a look at it.

I think I have a unique voice.

Yeah, yeah, I'll have one
of my development execs

Take a look at it.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you so much.

That's ok. Good. Good.

What's wrong with him?

[Reel hits floor]

Nothing!

Must be the haircut.

All right, so where
was i? Let me see now...

Nudity, profanity...
Oh, yeah, gay people.

We love the fact that
your daughter is gay.

Well, no, actually, it's
our mother that's gay.

Yeah, well, that's fine,

But the daughter
has got to be gay.

The pretty, blonde one.

Uh, well, my
daughter is not gay.

Look, doll...

There's gotta be a reason
here why we're going onto cable,

Do you understand?

Picture this:

You get the news
of the lottery win,

And there comes your
daughter and drew barrymore

In the shower together, see?

Ok!

And... That is enough!

Stop. That's enough.

Let me just
shorthand this for you.

This is biography meets dream on

By way of the red shoe diaries.

You get it?

Yeah, I get it. I
get it totally.

You're exactly like
the network guy.

He wants to totally clean me up,

And you want to
totally sleaze me up.

Get out!

You know, you
are a real [bleep]!

But you got to admit

This has been one
fun [bleep] meeting!

I'll be in touch,
baby. Ciao. [Kiss]

[Door shuts]

It is gonna be really, really...

Tough to watch
the emmies this year.

Frank: trust me.

You won't be able to miss it.

Roseanne: what the hell?

It must've been a slow week

For -headed goats.