09x02 - Patrick-Man!; Gary's New Toy

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

All:
Aye, aye, captain!

- I can't hear you.

All:
Aye, aye, captain!

- ♪ ohh...

♪ who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

All:
Spongebob squarepants!

- ♪ absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

All:
Spongebob squarepants!

- ♪ if nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

All:
Spongebob squarepants!

- ♪ then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

All: Spongebob squarepants!
- Ready?

All:
Spongebob squarepants!

Spongebob squarepants!

Spongebob squarepants!

- Spongebob squarepants!

[laughing]

♪

[waves crashing]

[lilting ukulele music]

♪

[water bubbling]

- [chewing loudly]

- [humming]

- [whimpering]

[sobbing]

- What's the matter, buddy?

You seem so sad.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, you know what's sad?

This!

- My hat is sad?

- No!

You have a special hat,

Which means you get to go to
your special happy worky place,

While I just stay bored
all day.

I want a special happy
worky place, too!

[crying]
- first things first, patrick.

What do you like to do?

- Uh...

[wind blowing]

Sand.

- Oh!

Ooh, I got to run.
I have patties to flip!

But I sure hope you figure
your problem out.

Think about it.

- Think about it.

Think, patrick, think.

Hmm. Hmm.

Mmm!

[pop, squeak]

Thinking is painful.

Break time.

- Are you irritable,
listless, jobless?

Do you ever ask yourself,
"I'm a loser.

What am I doing with my life?"

Then look no further.

I have the answer
that's helped millions--

- Be all you can possibly be.

Join the marine dolphins.

- [chirps]

- [laughs maniacally]

Huh?

The inescapable display case!

No!

- All in a day's work,
eh, mermaid man?

- Remember, it's up to you to
reveal the true face of crime.

Sign up to be part
of the mermaid man

And barnacle boy
junior crime fighters.

- I got to figure out
what to do with my life.

- Fight evil!

[squeak]

- Oh, I wish
I was a superhero.

That's it.

I know what I want
to do with my life!

To the changing room.

[grunts]
[fabric tearing]

[snap]

[grunts]
[click]

Ahh.

[grunts]

[humming]

At last, I have found
my calling.

I am patrick-man,
defender of bikini bottom.

Oof!

- Mister squidward...

What's with all
the dilly-dallying?

We've got customers' money
to take.

- Where?
[wind whistling]

- Aah!

Where is everybody?
[door opens]

- Fear not.

Patrick-man is here.

- Patrick.

I knew our number-one customer
wouldn't let us down.

- Shush,
shush-shush-shush-shush.

It's patrick-man, mister krabs.

- "patrick-man"?

What kind of ridiculous name
is that?

- Oh, forget the name.

Look at the ridiculous outfit.

What is that, a pair of briefs?

[both laughing]

- Ooh.

Blaring employee laughter
in the common area?

[laughter]

Hey, patrick.
What's with the fancy duds?

- Must I explain everything?

I found what I want to do
with my life.

I am...

Patrick-man!

- [gasps]
that is so exciting!

I can't wait to tell gary,
my parents, my grandma--

- Shh, shh, shh.
Spongebob...

My identity must be kept secret.

My work here is done.

Patrick-man's off.

The city needs my help.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Can I get a krabby patty?

[school bell rings]

- Hey, how'd you do
on the final?

- I aced it.

- Me too.
[both laughing]

- Looks like all that
studying paid off.

Both:
High five.

- [gasps]

- Whoa.
Are you okay, man?

- Just remember this.
v*olence solves nothing.

- "v*olence"?

We were just giving high fives--

- No time
for silly talk, citizen.

Patrick-man
is needed elsewhere.

- Please, ma'am, allow me.

- Huh?

Why, thank you, young man.

[bell dings]

- [chuckles]
not a problem, ma'am.

It's the least I could do--

Oh!
[whistling wind]

Sorry, lady, you're on your own.

[bell dings]

- Oh, dear.

[horn honks]

Oh, dear!
[traffic whooshing]

[wind whistling]

[skids]

- Ooh, sweet dollar.
Oh, just look at you--

So clean, so crisp.

Now come to krabsy--

- Halt!

Patrick-man
is on to you, thief.

Stealing is bad.

Bad!

- But I found that dollar.

- No, enough!

This dollar shall stay
on the sidewalk,

Where it belongs.

With neptune's swiftness, away!

- Hey, a dollar.
[laughs]

This must be my luck day.

- [chewing loudly]

- Help! Help, somebody!
- Huh?

- Help!

- Sounds like another job
for patrick-man.

[slurps]

I'll finish you off later,
day-old doughnuts.

Right now I must move rapidly
and act heroically.

What's this?
Don't move! And freeze!

- Huh?

- Let's see ya try to bust
out of that, boat thief.

- Boat thief?
Heavens, no.

My poor student
is trapped inside this boat.

The doors are jammed.

- Jammed doors, huh?

A likely story.

With neptune's swiftness...

Away!

- Oh, merciful neptune,
the authorities are here.

Oh, you'll be out of there
in no time.

- Well, what have we here?

"cops, this is boat thief."

Looks like patrick-man
caught another one.

What would we do
without superheroes?

- But I didn't do anything.

- Grand theft vessel
is a felony.

You remember what a felony is,
don't you, mrs. Puff?

- Felony!

[stammers]

Ugh.
Patrick-man.

[tires squealing]

- Help.

- Order up.

Another krabby patty
for the gentleman.

- Thank you.

Let's hope patrick-man
doesn't confiscate this one.

- Yeah.
He drank my shake, too.

Said it was part
of an evil plot.

- Sorry, ma'am.
I'll get you another.

Patrick has taken things
too far.

- Hey, that's patrick-man
to you.

- What are you doing out there?

- Something a nonhero civilian
could never understand.

Yow-ooh!

I'm about to unmask one
of bikini bottom's biggest foes,

Right here in the krusty krab.

I've intercepted
his evil scheme.

- You've intercepted a recipe
for toasted coral bits.

Don't you think you're going
a little overboard

With this patrick-man thing?

- "overboard"?

Do you call this "overboard"?

Away, with neptune's...

Swiftness.
[grunts]

Villains and criminals, beware!
[grunts]

Patrick-man is here!

Pop!

Oh!

- Good gracious.

- And he always finds out...

Who hides under the mask.

- Hey, man,

I'd like to hold onto my face,
thank you.

- Oh, right.

Now I got ya.

- Ouch!

Let's get out of here
and never come back.

- What?

- Yowza.

- All right, that does it.

- Admit it, masked marauder.

- Enough!

We've all had our fill
of patrick-man.

- But I was about
to unmask a supervillain.

- Sure you were.
[stretching]

- What the barnacles
are you doing?

- Protecting bikini bottom
from a scoundrel.

- Oh, dear.

- Let her go, patrick.

- No way.

- [laughing evilly]

- Hey, where'd he come from?

- [gasps]
the dirty bubble!

- The dirty bubble?

I wanted to unmask man-ray.

- [laughs]

Fools, you've blown my cover.

Now taste my wrath.
[chuckles]

- What now, patrick-man?

- Spongebob, you're looking
at a superhero.

So, naturally, I will rely
on my superpowers...

And throw some stuff.
[grunts]

- [laughs] I wouldn't call
that a total miss.

- Take this, beast.
[grunts]

- Patrick--aah!

- [gulps]

Mmm-mmm.
Yummy sponge.

- You've disabled me employees
and trashed me restaurant.

Think you might go
for the bubble, now?

- I have him
right where I want him...

For the pit punch.

[air hissing]

- [groaning]

- Ha!
Let's try that again.

But this time I att*ck.
[chuckles]

[laughing]
- [whimpering]

Lunch.

[loud pop]

[all cheering]

- Way to go, buddy.

You're a hero.

Uh, may I have your autograph?

- Why, of course, young man.

That's "spongebob"
with two sevens, right?

- What's your next exciting
adventure, patrick-man?

- Actually...

It's patrick to you.

I'm retiring.

Having a job is too much work.

- Not so fast.

I think I need you to use
your superpowers one last time.

- What's this?

[lilting ukulele music]

♪

[water bubbling]

[foghorn blows]

- [coughs, wheezes]

[foghorn blows]

[coughs, wheezes]

[foghorn, coughs]

[sputtering]

- Hmm.

Gary, have you been chewing
on my alarm clock again?

Oh, well.

[tape tearing]

Ahh.
- [wheezing]

- Up and at 'em!

Hup. Ew.

Gary, not my slippers too.

Ugh, nasty.

[humming]

[exhales sharply, sniffs]
ew.

Oral hygiene to the rescue.

What the hey?

- [growling]
- come on, gary, let go!

Coochie coochie coo.

- [laughing]

- Golly, gary,
what's gotten into you?

Are you bored?
I'll play with you later.

- [chewing loudly]
- gary.

Gary, you are a nut.

Sheesh.

- [groans, chewing loudly]

- That snail sure
is acting weird.

It's like he's teething again.

Hey, hold on a second.

Gary, have you been chewing
on my bowl?

- [spits]
no.

- I'm beginning to sense
a pattern here.

- [chewing loudly]

- Gary, are you trying
to tell me something?

Could it be that what you need
is a new chew toy?

- [slurping]

- I thought so.

Ooh, I'll bet they have
lots of toys here.

Hey, look, there's patrick.

Howdy, patrick.

- Hey, spongebob.
Gareth.

- What are you doing here?
You don't have a pet.

- Confidentially, I'm just here
for the free samples.

Mm, you can really taste
the gourmet.

Well, thank you, ma'am.

I may consider purchasing
this brand for my worms.

Want some?

- No, thanks.
Just had breakfast.

We're here to buy gary
a new toy.

- They're on aisle three,

Next to the most delicious
snail treats.

Follow me.

[chews, gulps]

Here they are--

"tasty time snail treats."

- Well, how about this one?

[toy squeaks]

[pops loudly]

Okay, how about this?

Well?

Yeah, I don't think so.

- Hey, guys, check this out--

"pet point ."

- A pet toy that plays
with your pet.

What do you think, gary?

- Meh.

- It's so futuristic.

[click, whirr]

Look! A red dot!

Hey, come back here.

- That's brilliant.

What'll they think of next?

- I love this thing.

Let's turn it up.

[humming, sizzling]

Huh?

Where did it go?

- Uh, patrick...

- Huh?

Oh, there it is.

[sniffs]

Eh, do you smell
something burning?

Duh.

- [snorting]

Here, you might need this.

You know, I'm not sure that toy
is safe for gary.

Where is gary, anyway?

Gary!

[harp and trumpet fanfare]

- [slurping]

[grunts]
ah.

[toy squeaks]

- Gary.

Gary!

Hey, where'd you come from?

Ah, I wonder if gary
would like this ball?

Gar--
- [panting]

- I guess you do.

Are you ready to play
with your new ball?

- [panting]
- here it is, boy.

- [grunts]
- you want it, boy?

- [grunts]
- okay, boy, go and get it.

Go and get it.

Go and get it.
- [growling]

- Fetch!
- [grunts]

- Okay, gary, bring it back.

[toy squeaking]

Come on, gary.
Bring it back, gary.

You're supposed to bring it...
Back.

- [growling]
[toy squeaking]

[growling]
[toy squeaking]

[humming]

- Oh, well, as long as
he's not chewing on my stuff.

- [humming]
[toy squeaking]

- I wonder how gary's doing.

I haven't heard a squeak
out of him.

Gary? Are--

Hmm.
Where is that snail?

Gary, where are you?

Gary, I--

Oh, there you are.

Oh, a tea party.

Cute.

Do you mind if I join you?

I'd just love a spot of tea.

What kind of tea is it--

Green tea, earl grey, oolong,
slippery elm?

[wheels squeaking]

Gee, I think he likes that ball
more than me.

[slurps, spits]
yech.

That is not tea.

I know what will get
gary's attention--

Good old slimycan.

[whirring]

Here ya go, ga--

Darn it, gary.

Gary! Dinnertime!

Gary.

Gary?
[dramatic music]

[shouts]

Okay, that's just creepy.

Gary, I think you need to spend
some time away from this ball.

This isn't helping your case.

- [snores, grunts]
[door opens, closes]

- Okay, gary, fun is fun.

Now, give me that ball, pronto.
- [grunts]

- Oh, so you've hidden it.

Oh, no, you don't.
Come here.

I bet I know where it is.

[sighs]
hairball.

Hairball.

Wallet.

Darn it--
I thought I lost this.

And I just canceled
my credit cards.

Hairball, toothbrush...

Aha!
I knew it.

You'll see.

Some time apart
will do you good.

There we go.
Out of sight, out of mind.

I know you're upset now,
but wait until tomorrow morning.

Why, you probably won't
even remember that old ball.

[ominous music]

[foghorn blows]
- [wheezing, crash]

- Good morning, gary.

I hope you're
not still mad at me.

Gary?

The ball.
[gasps]

I will not tolerate
this disobedience, gary.

Gary, I'm not playing around.

You had better show yourself
this instant.

Okay, get down here.

[toy squeaking]

Hmph.

Gary, give me that ball.

[toy squeaking]

Come on.

[grunts]

Get down.

[grunts]
[toy continues squeaking]

Whoa!

Mother always said,
"don't run with the broom."

[toy squeaking]

I'll take that.

[chomps]

[gasps]
gary, how could you?

You are gonna have
to make a choice.

It's either me or the...

[toy squeaking]
ball.

Fine.
[squeaking continues]

I hope you two
will be very happy together...

Without me.

Good-bye!

[sobbing]

[toy squeaking]

[stomach grumbling,
lips smacking]

- [grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

- Blah, blah, bloo, blee, blah,
blah, bloo, blah, blah, blee.

Blah blahhh.
[sobbing]

- [whimpering, crying]

- [whistling]

- [grunts]
- [whistling]

[train whistle sounds]

- [growling]

[growling]
[toy squeaking]

[growling]

[whirring]

[ricocheting]

[whoosh]

[electricity crackling]

And so it's come to this--

No home, no best friend...
[sniffles]

And sleeping under a bus stop.

Hello, little nematode.

Will you be my friend?

That a boy.

[giggles]
that tickles!

Hey, my wallet!

Good thing I canceled
those credit cards.

- [grunts]

- Gary.

I mean--oh, hey.

What are you doing here--
waiting for a bus?

[slurping]

Oh, gary.

Does this mean you've come to
love me more than that chew toy?

- [grunts]

- Yippee!

Look, we're closer than ever.
[laughs]

Come on, gary, let's go home.

[sniffs]

Do you smell something burning?

[expl*si*n, whistling]

Hey, look,
isn't that your ball?

- [hissing]