09x05 - Eek, An Urchin!; Squid's Defense

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

All: Aye, aye, captain!

- I can't hear you.

All: Aye, aye, captain!

- ♪ ohh...

♪ who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

All: Spongebob squarepants!

- ♪ absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

All: Spongebob squarepants!

- ♪ if nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

All: Spongebob squarepants!

- ♪ then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

All: Spongebob squarepants!
- Ready?

All: Spongebob squarepants!

Spongebob squarepants!

Spongebob squarepants!

- ♪ spongebob

♪ squarepants!

[laughing]

[flute tune]

- [whistling]

Oh, I've made a mess.

And that means,
cleaning time!

My eyes!

My spray.

Oh, no.
It rolled...

Beneath the grill.

I can do this.

Nope.

A-ha!
Gotcha!

[screams]

An urchin!

[scared gulp]

- Nothing ever happens
in this dump.

- Squid...

- Why did I say that?

- Ward.

[phone rings]

- Krusty krab.

- Help!

- [yelling]
what?

- (screams)

- What are you
screaming about?

- Sea urchin!

Both: Mr. Krabs!

- What's all the ruckus?

- There's an urchin
in the kitchen!

- What're you
talkin' about?

The krusty krab is the standard
in fast food cleanliness!

An urchin wouldn't dare
step spine

In this establishment.

[screams]

[sniffs]

The grill is still on,
isn't it?

[all scream]

[all sigh]

- There it is!

I'll get it.

Got it.

- Hold it right there.

Gotcha, you prickly pest!

Whoa! Whoa-o!

- Squidward, don't let it
in the dining room!

You're our last
line of defense.

- I'm on it.

- This is terrible!

You should never put that much
ketchup on a krabby patty.

[relieved sighs]

- [choking]

- I think I'm going
to be sick.

- Whew! That was close.

Thank goodness
no one noticed

[low]
the urchin.

All: Urchin?

[all scream]

- [laughs]

Finally,
I have a foolproof plan

To steal the krabby patty
secret formula.

Krabs will never
recognize me wearing...

These glasses!

[all screaming]

What in the seahorse
is going on around here?

- Plankton?
Oh, that's all we need.

Beat it, you crook!

We have enough pests already.

- Pests?
What are you talking about?

[screams]

An urchin!

I hate those things!
[snap]

This won't do at all.

I can't steal
the secret formula

With that vermin
running around.

I propose a truce, krabs.

I'll help you get rid
of that creature,

And I promise not to steal
the secret formula

Until it's gone.

Crook's honor.

- Hmm.

It may take a pest
to catch a pest.

It's a deal,
but no tricks,

Or you'll be
the chef's special.

- Don't worry.

[cell phone dialing]

Karen?

- [indistinct phone chatter]

- No, I don't have it.

Why do you even bother asking?

- [indistinct phone chatter]

- Yeah, look,

Send over my k*ller death robot,
would you?

- [indistinct phone chatter]
- no, the other one.

- [indistinct phone chatter]

- I love you too, snookums.

Help is on its way.

Behold!

Your champion!

- That piece of junk?

- Hold on, you haven't
seen it in action yet.

I'll just set it
for our quarry.

No.

- [mr. Krabs' voice]
money, money, money...

- Ignore that one.

A-ha! Bingo.

You have your orders,
attack!

- [raspberries]

- Oh, no you don't!

[growls]

Mallet, please.

[smash]

- Okay, maybe the death robot
wasn't the best idea.

- You think?

Spongebob!

- Here, sir.

- That little monster's
still in there.

You open the register,
I'll catch him in here.

- Aye aye, cap'n.

Here goes nothing.

- [screams]

Me money!

Did I get it?

- Uh...Mr. Krabs?

- [screams]

- [spits]

- Oh, no.
Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no.

Yes!

Oh, my prized spiny succulent.

Thank neptune you're safe.

- [gasps]

Mr. Krabs, look.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- I'm not sure I like
where this is heading.

- Cactus?
- Cactus.

- Spoon?
- Spoon.

- Plankton?

- Plankton.

- Aw, come on!

There's got to be
a better way.

- Spray can?
- Spray can.

[can rattles]

[spraying]

- [coughs]

- Hmm.

I think our darling little decoy
still needs something.

- Oh, brother.

- Now, get in there,
planktonella,

And lure that rotten
little heath hazard

Out of me livelihood.

- I'm only helping you out
so I can get back

To robbing you blind.

- Don't worry, plankton.

We're behind you %.

- This getup
is % humiliating.

Here, urchin,
urchin, urchin.

Here, you dirty,
filth-spreading porcupine.

I'm wearing lipstick here.
Come on, let's go!

Huh?
What was that?

Look sharp,
planktonella.

I think
we're being watched.

[gasps]

Uh, hello.

- Psst!
Go on, plankton.

Make with the romance.

- Fine.

Uh, eh,
hey there, handsome.

You're cute...
For a parasite.

- [panting]

- Slow down there, buddy.

Why don't we start
with a nice, romantic stroll?

Outside, far away
from the krusty krab

And its secret formula.

Okay, ouch!

Hey!

What kind of an urchin
do you think I am?

[screams]

[panting]

What could be worse than

Being romantically pursued
by a rabid sea urchin?

A hundred urchins?

[lips puckering]

[screams]

- Get ready.
Here they come.

- [screams]

- Holy mother of pearl.

Batten down the hatches!

It's a stampede!

- Come on,
let me out!

[lips puckering]

Mommy!

Come on,
open up!

Help!

Get me outta here!

- Poor plankton.

- Ah, who cares
about plankton?

What about me restaurant?

- I heard that!

- Enough's enough.

It's time to end
this madness.

Let's put this
freak show on ice.

- Hey, what do you know?

That seems to be
slowing them down.

Better crank it all the way down
just to be on the safe side.

That ought to do it.

- [gasps]
it's beautiful.

Okay,
I'm ready.

- Here goes nothing.

- Hurry, squidward.

We got them!

Whoa, got it.

- Phew!

- So where do we
release them?

- I don't care.

As long as it's far away
from the krusty krab.

- How's this,
mr. Krabs?

- Keep going.

- How about now?

- Farther.

[cell phone rings]

- Is this far enough?

- No, farther.

Huh.

Well, that takes care
of that particular problem.

[phone rings]

Krusty krab.

- Is this far enough?
[animals hooting]

- Not far enough.
Keep going.

- [panting]

Well, I guess
this is far enough.

There you go,
little fellas.

This will be your new home.

Run!
Be free!

Uh-oh.

- [screams]

Spongebob!

- [whistling]

- Hi-yah!

Squidward!

Sorry, buddy.
Didn't see you.

Are you okay?

- [groans]

What kind of unforeseen
yet completely predictable

Stupidity have you
ruined my day with this time?

- Oh.

I'm just practicing
my karate chops.

I'm going to have
an intense karate session

With sandy later.

Sandy says, "you never know
what kind of creepy creeper

Could be creeping creepily
around any creepy corner."

- Paranoid much?

- [screams]

Sorry, squidward.

I thought you were
one of those creepy creepers.

You know, squidward,
you really should learn

How to protect yourself.

Maybe you'd like to join us?

- Well...

Nope.

I have more
important things to do.

- Okey-dokey, squidward.

Stop on by later if you change
your mind about the karate.

- I won't.

- [faint wheeze]

- H-hello?

Is somebody there?

Um, hello?

It's considered rude
not to answer.

[nervous chuckle]
what do you got,

Cotton in your earholes?

[nervous laughter]

[gulps]

I've got to get out of here.

[yelping]

Spongebob!
[knocking furiously]

[laughter]

- Oh wait,
I-I don't get it.

- Spongebob!

Spongebob!
Open up!

- Squidward?

- Hurry, spongebob.

- Squidward,
what's wrong?

- You were...
Right.

- I was?
About what?

- About how danger
lurks around every corner.

[screams]

- Um, squidward?

It's just gary.

- [mewing]

- Hey, I should have
named you "scary,"

Eh, buddy?

- [mewing]

- Spongebob,
this is serious.

I was just viciously att*cked.

- [gasps]
no.

- You've got to teach me,
spongebob.

Teach me the way.

The way of "tara-ke".

- Uh, don't you mean karate?

- Um, sure.
Whatever.

- Hmm.
Hmm.

Hmm, yes.

You show potential,
young student.

But with the rubbery arms,

And the doughiness
in this area,

We obviously have
our work cut out for us.

- Can't we just get on
with this, spongebob?

- [shushing]
- [sighs]

I mean, can't we just
get on with this,

Oh, great sensei?

- Pay close attention,
and you will receive

The totality
of my karate mastery.

Handed down from
sensei cheeks herself.

Now watch,

Watch and learn.

Wi-yah!

- Uh-huh.
What else you got?

- That's it.
- That's it?

That's the "totality
of your karate mastery"?

- Well, squidward,
I've only been studying

A couple of years,
but if total karate knowledge

Is what you seek--

- Then you should visit
sensei cheeks.

- Hey, I was just
going to say that!

- I know.

[both laugh]
- oh, boy.

- I don't know, spongebob.

With the rubbery arms
and the doughiness

In this area,
we obviously--

- All right, already.
We've been through this.

Are you going to teach me
how to get revenge

On my attacker or what?

- Whoa-ho-ho.
Karate ain't for revenge.

It's a delicate art
that helps you protect yourself.

- Yeah, fine.
- Great, repeat after me.

Hi-yah!

- Hi-yah!

- Oh, whatever.

Hi-yah.

- I promise to use karate
only for protection

And not for revenge.

- I promise to use karate
only for protection

And not for revenge.

Or whatever.

- Okay, then.

Let's get started
with a little chopping.

Like so.

Hi-yah!

- Whoa.

- A board?

I wasn't att*cked
by a piece of wood.

I was assaulted
by a deranged lunatic.

- The only way
you'll protect yourself

Is if you know
the basics.

Now give it a chop.

- [sighs] whatever
you say, sensei.

- This is a tough one,
squidward.

Don't feel bad
if you can't do it.

- I'm sure I can
break one little twig.

Hi-yah!

[crack]

[splash]

- Arms up, squidward.

Block! Block!

Block! Block!

- [grumbles]
this is stupid.

The only thing this maniac
threw at me

Were his big, meaty fists.

[grumbles]

- Block!

- Now that's how you do it.

- Dimwit's luck.

[grumbles]
- come on, squiddy.

Give it the old roundhouse.

- All right.

Hi-yah!

[yelping]

Aah!

This isn't working.

My assailant
was twice as tall.

And his shoulders
were times as broad.

The furrows of his brow
were the size of biceps.

- Hmm.

We're going to have
to make this more personal

For you, squidward,

So as to help you
bring out your inner dragon.

Spongebob?

- Hey, grocery boy!

It is me,
a big, scary miscreant.

Now hand over
that sack of groceries

Before things get ugly.

- Groceries?

You'll have to pull
my groceries

From my cold,
wet tentacles, bucko.

Take this!

Hi-yah!

Huh?

Think that's going to stop me?

You're not getting me
without a fight!

Hi-yah!

[struggling]

Got you right
where I want you.

Vengeance is mine.

- "vengeance"?

Squidward tentacles,
I told you at the beginning

That karate
ain't for revenge.

Sorry, squidward.

As of now,
I ain't your sensei no more.

- Sandy, wait!
[struggles]

I need you to teach--

Oh, this is pointless.

I'll never be able
to protect myself.

I may as well just start handing
my groceries to criminals.

"here, please,
mr. Criminal.

Take my unprocessed
kale cream."

- Sandy, wait.

Please, help him.

He just wants to keep
his organic blue algae safe.

- He's going to use my teachings
for revenge, spongebob.

- Please, sandy,
I'll do anything!

- Oh, really?

Well, squidward,
a wise sensei once told me

One must first know
the movements of every day

Before mastering karate.

[button clicking]

- [grumbles]

[vacuum hums]

Whew!

All finished.

- Wow!
This looks great.

- Psst.
You missed a spot.

- All right, I reckon the yard
is good and watered.

- Psst.
You missed a spot.

- [grumbles]

Whew.

- Atta boy, squiddy.

Be sure to twist that torso.

- Hey, sandy.

I don't remember this
being a part of my training.

It wasn't,
but today is chore day.

So I figured why not
fry two fish in one skillet.

[both laugh]

- That's it.
I am outta here!

This is a no good
waste of my time.

[yelps]

Hey, I'm doing it.

I'm blocking the acorns.

- Yee-haw!
I told you all you had to do

Was know the movements
of every day to master karate.

- [laughs]
I can't believe I did it!

- Yeah! Yeah!
Now try this!

- Okay,
okay.

Hi-yah!

- [laughs]
I did it!

Hi-yah!

I can protect
my groceries now!

Hi-yah!

[crash]

I am a karate master.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- Well,
I wouldn't go that far,

But you have proven
yourself worthy of

The belt
of basic competence.

- Yeah, yeah.
That's great, thanks.

But I have some business
to attend to.

- [laughs]

What's this?

Do I find myself on this
dark and scary street

Yet again?

We'll just see
what happens this time.

- Hey, you!

- Let me give a taste,
a mere morsel

Or what's in store.

Hi-yah!
Hi-yah!

Hi-yah!

That one was called
"washing sandy's windows".

Stay back
or you're going to get it.

I am warning you.

- [wheezing]

- Okay, buddy.
I warned you.

I like to call this one
"taking out sandy's trash".

Hi-yah!

- What? Ow!

- [laughs]

How do you like
them apples?

Waah!

- Oh! Ow!

- Ha, feel my wrath.

How's your uncle?

- Ow! Ow.

- And, as my finishing move,
I give you

"watering sandy's lawn".

Bee-yah!

- [groans]

Hey, man.
Wh-what was that for?

I was just trying to
give you back

Your groceries
you dropped.

- Uh, oh.

- Sandy, I found him.
He's over here.

You forgot
your belt, silly.

[gasps]

- Gosh,
what happened to you?

- This guy's been karate'd.

- After all I said about never
using karate for revenge?

- For shame, squidward.
For shame.

- Looks like he's not worthy
of this belt after all.

Thanks for dishonoring
our trust in you, squidward.

- Whatever.
I'm still a karate master.

- Wow, really?
You are?

- Yes, I am.

- Hey, watch your head.

I'd never guess it.

- And what is that
supposed to mean?

- Oh, uh, nothing.

Just with the rubbery arms,

And the doughiness
in the midsection--

- Okay, already,
I get it.

What, wait a second.
Am I under arrest?

- You sure are.

And you have the right
to remain silent...

- [screams]

- Or not silent.