01x02 - Faces of Meth

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Santa Inc.". Aired: December 2, 2021.*
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Candy is the highest-ranking female elf in the North Pole; who sets out to become the first woman Santa Claus in the history of Christmas.
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01x02 - Faces of Meth

Post by bunniefuu »

Three two one!

Happy New Year!

- Resolutions, Dave-Pierre?
- Get a psychiatrist.

- And thou?
- Leave the hydrates,

be better with my mother,
be the Successor.

mine is to discover

if your tits are
as pointed as the ears.

I would find it disgusting,

but you inspire me
to protect Santa Inc.

of predators,
that silence women.

So thank you.

Timmy would make a decent successor.

Chocolate Larson is tough.
Below the degrees, at least.

And Junior wants to get his nose in it.

Nose! Hello?
I'm rocking it, come on!

Do you want me to stop the brooch
and recognize this bad joke?

- I stop.
- Yeah, I want some recognition.

He is well. Hilarious!

Was it better than the brooch?

Ho, ho, ho! Shit! Mrs. Christmas!

How fantastic would it be for me to choose
the first black successor

and then the first woman
successor?

You know how any guy
at first it excites me.

Candy is also Jewish.
She has both a wife and a Jew.

damn! Woman and Jew?

I will go from historic to legendary,
Cum!

- My God! He arrives!
- What's your problem?

An hour ago we decided that this year
we were going to improve our sex life

and you've already ruined everything.
- That's nonsense.

I just came.
I think we're doing well.

Univ interns. from the North Pole
on the first day.

See those adorable faces
and excited!

- Who did you give me?
- The fat man in the shorts.

Why not a fat girl in shorts?

give you a wife,
just being a woman is discriminatory.

calm down? Brent was a man
and i could not dream

with a better mentor.
Even abandon me.

who will give the speech
of the State of the Workshop?

I wish it were me,

but it must be Santa Claus.
Very good! Let's do it!

Hello, future!

I'm Candy Smalls,
chief of operations.

I will tell you about me.

in girl,
worked at the candy factory

when Brent found me.
He saw my enthusiasm,

how quickly he wrapped
and he taught me everything he knew.

Today, they will take a giant step
in your future career.

And it's really giant!
Let's start!

She is good. I felt it in my gut.

Bravo, Candy!
And welcome, UPN students!

My old college.
South Pole, don't play anything!

Be strong, Bold Holly!

- Good morning, Santa Claus!
- I'm your intern, Candy Smalls.

- My name is Devin Johnson.
- Much pleasure.

Come on, come with me
to a toy meeting.

With Timmy from Toys?
Who put the "B" on Furby?

The "X" on Xbox? The man who said,
the of May,

"Let's make rag dolls"?
Let's do it!

I will meet the person
most exciting thing ever!

The idea came from the waiting room
of emergencies.

I twisted my hand, but it's okay,

and found a mole
whom they had beaten with a sledgehammer.

- We can...
- The lives of moles

were destroyed
by Hit the Mole.

- Yeah, I know.
- And I think:

"We can protect the species
with the next Christmas toy,

Hit Laziness."

Here she comes.

Just an idea. Forget it, I don't.

For! Tell me what you're thinking.

And don't say you're no good,
all ideas do.

The moles stay safe,
but isn't it bad for sloths?

We must hit who deserves it,

type Hit a r*cist.
- It's Santa Claus!

damn! Santa Claus sent me
an SMS for the first time.

Want to talk to me.
I should frame this.

No, I'll go there.
Very good. Good start, Timmy.

why don't you think
from Devin's perspective?

Wow!

I loved your speech
for the interns, Candy.

Help-me!

I was really enjoying it.

You inspired and amused, two
important qualities of Santa Claus.

Did you like when I took the shoe?
Pure improvisation.

I loved! I thought, "What?
Did she remember that yesterday?"

Did she write it down and figure out how to do it?

I tell you, I was blown away.

So I want you to make the speech
of the Workshop State tonight.

My God! What an honor.

I am astonished!
I'm still here, but amazed!

I thought you wanted to be Successor.

'Cause I'm the coolest Santa Claus
and cool as ever.

Sorry, I have to scream more.

I also find it exciting.

It's great that the Board
see a woman in charge.

Yes, I love optics.
I love that you hear me.

I love it all. I will prepare.

Do what Brent did.
Management loves it.

Another piece of advice, Candy.

Don't spoil this
or you will never be the Successor.

I'm kidding! That was so...

You should have seen yourself! I deceived you.

They got you, ma'am.
You will be fantastic.

Get me out of here!

Do you believe this?
Maybe I'm an amulet.

I am. the snowflakes
they are the rabbit's paw of the North Pole.

Someone's jealous of the new kind.

Do not worry,
I have love for both.

cancel my lunch
with Cookie and Goldie,

I need the day
for p

fix this speech.

I'm going to look at Brent's tapes.

I'm always behind the scenes,

I never see it up close.

Board Members, Santa Claus,
Dear press, welcome.

days left
for Christmas Eve

and this is going to be the best ever.

Because at Santa Inc.,

the State of the Workshop is strong
like the petrified shit of a reindeer!

Here are some early gifts
for all!

Yes, it's for you. You deserve.
You deserve. open.

- Jesus! Can I do that?
- No. You need charisma.

- Like Brent, Santa and me.
- I'm panicking.

bring me guacamole
and potatoes to eat for stress.

Brent? How about Seattle?
I hope it does not rain,

but i bet it rains.
Get used to being wet, geek.

It's legitimate to be mad. Sorry.

Why did you leave me?

It was a last minute thing.
I know, I'm bad.

I want the Amazon prime rib, medium.

- It's for now.
- But let's talk about you,

Lady Ambition. did you talk to
the Father Christmas of Successor beings

and you're going to give the speech tonight.

How do you know?
Does Alexa do illegal surveillance?

The speech gives a lot of projection.
Have you seen my tapes?

Yes and you are too bold.
I'm not like that.

For! I've seen you at karaoke.

Chop on full gas.

The tones, the eye contact.

many already told me
that I'm magic with the microphone.

believe in yourself,
how i believe in you

Say it.

I believe in myself!
Okay, this might work.

I can give my touch
to the speech.

Shine the Direction
with a speech on innovation.

No! Go minipony,
throws glitter bombs, says:

"This Christmas will be the best
ever." Give them offerings.

- Here comes the plane.
- I have to go. I love you, baby.

It seems calmer.
We'll have more work.

Right, my friend!
Fasten your seat belts!

It will be a show and pears!

Yup.

Live.

Come on, malta.

Not.

Jeremy, play pony one more time

and then move on to offers.

No, enough! I didn't write a thesis
about racism in Bismarck's Empire

to make a mini pony.
- I do.

It's an honor to be the pony
and be here.

And I want to know more about Brent.
His efficiency is legendary.

When Brent was in charge,
the sled was going % faster

than in the previous year.
- Guess who ate the Donner!

It wasn't you! Hi!

- Goldie, we canceled lunch.
- Hello.

I love a lumberjack in shorts.
What's your name, dear?

The streets call me Devin,
but you can call me baby.

Girl, look what I stole from Donner.

Christmas Spirit Bars?
They're for the A-Team reindeer.

- Very rare.
- I know.

I had one in the morning and they were great!

I'll sell the rest
because my insurance sucks.

- It's my song!
- What song?

The rhythm of Tejano music.

- Tejano music.
- There is no music.

Come here, baby!

No striping in my office.

I need these shorts
in my body.

You need to get some air, Goldie.
I'll be back in five minutes.

Team A's reindeer has it all!
Barritas, a retreat in January.

- It really sucks!
- What mood swings are these?

You were salsa dancing for three
minutes and now you're furious...

You destroyed my lunch,
your elf goat!

This sentence is unacceptable
in an evolved society.

your face is unacceptable
in an evolved society.

I'm going to be late. He hates it!

- Apologize, idiot!
- I'm a big d*ck assh*le.

And you will never put it again
your B Team paws.

Not the nose!

Aren't we going to have lunch? What is the delay?

Help me, Cookie.
Goldie is freaking out!

- Stop!
- My nose has insurance,

you shit-eating bitch.

That bastard didn't embarrass me!
Come back here!

Goldie, put me down!

I have to go fix the turtleneck
Brent for the speech.

Junior! Highly!

Watch out, you goat!

Where are you?
You saw him too, right?

This is real?

Goldie, love,
you're having a little outbreak.

But Cookie will help you, yes?

Control yourself, you...

It's so weird when they do this.

Enter the tree.

I know it seems counterintuitive,
but do it!

I don't have time for this.

Disgusting!
The fancy barrel was deceiving.

Maybe they made a deal.

There's not even a net down here.

- It's the death of my career.
- Don't be dramatic.

or I can't be dramatic.

It's my dominant trait.

You are bossy and shrill
and I'm dramatic.

It's a crazy view of the world,
but forget.

We have to get out of here.

- Dasher?
- You'll go down in history.

No, I will go down in history!

Like Jesus, bastards!

- The secret is low and slow.
- Blitzen?

This is how scrambled eggs are made.
Low and slow.

You have to keep moving,
like a risotto.

What is up

? Team A should
be at the annual January retreat.

What the f*ck! Heavens!
Cookie, do you have a wipe?

Should have! I'm always covered
of vomit or red wine.

Do you know why I don't?
I'm a horrible mother

and a sloppy drunk.
- Whoo!

One was too much
and a thousand never arrived.

I found that the end of the rainbow was
a gutter full of whores.




Can you shut these babies up?
I don't belong here.

- Is it you or your nose talking?
- We're the same.

I was always different
but in a good way. Special.

It is in the differences that we see
our similarities.

Your nose is for you what the anus
protruding from the Prancer III is for him.

I found out it's my anus,
that makes me beautiful and unique.

- This is rehab.
- You have a heavy burden, Junior.

Trying to live up to your legendary father.

Forget it and be yourself.

You're right.

Whenever my nose changes color,
it's just me crying.

"Look at me, Daddy!
Love me, Daddy! Love me!"

The saddest thing is that the fucker
hates me for it.

would love me more if i were
a loser without a nose.

I love you all.

I know all of Santa Inc.
and the entire North Pole.

- Never heard of this.
- Did you come to check in?

This was stupid.

Should we have gone out without Candy?

Bad Intern!

I don't know. I left you several messages.

Well, one.

Between one and none.
He unloads the offers.

damn! It's the Direction!

Cardinal Stryker,
President Foster, Frederick Arthur,

the CEO of North Pole Companies!

Are the power!
Santa Claus runs the company,

but they have the final say
in all decisions.

Santa Claus, here!

Mrs. Christmas.

It's even more sensual
than on my calendar.

Stop drooling.
Let's get ready for Candy.

Where is she anyway?

Let me out!

I have a speech to make!
Do you know who I am?

I'm an executive
of Santa Inc.'s top notch!

I know it's true,
but in this context,

you just look delusional.
- Here you are.

I was waiting for you,
now that you're the head of operations.

Were you surprised to find out,

that the bars were methamphetamine?
I stayed.

- Methamphetamines?
- Am I drugged?

So you didn't know. oops.

Where's your girl, Nick?
It's good that it's worth the wait.

Candy is the biggest,
but women are very late.

Have I told you about Sting's chimney?

A hollow elephant tusk.

- Very soft.
- They shouldn't have banned ivory.

Jingle Jim! Where's Candy?

Find her, idiot.

They eat the bars to have
speed on Christmas Eve.

In January,
come here to sober up.

- Brent's been doing this for years.
- It can't be true.

Brent makes me soup
when i'm sick.

He has integrity, he is not a drug dealer.

He thinks. How do you think he got it

beat time records
year after year?

Who depended on efficiency?
Who has the accolades and bonuses?

Bonuses like private islands.

He said he bought it
with family money.

Shit! Is my Brent mean?

Makes sense, if you think about it.

Made a Men's Calendar
Efficient and it was him every month.

forget it,
focus on our goals.

Make the speech, be the Successor,
get me off the bench and then...

She is right.
I have to go to the Workshop State.

I'll take care of Goldie. They go.

- Shit! I'm sanded?
- You're just late.

But I want to say one thing.

You will be great
because you are great at your job

and good person.

They never defended me.
like you did at the factory.

Not my parents, brothers
or the dentist, who is my uncle.

Thank you Candy,
for believing in me.

Candy, it's Brent. I believe you.

- And the power of methamphetamine.
- Finally! The pony is ready.

After the bombs
Devin and I took the offerings...

The plan has changed.
I don't need bombs,

nor riding a stupid pony.

I happen to have
a PhD, madam!

- But Brent...
- I'm not Brent.

Donate the offers
to the Home of Mining Elves.

I will do this my way.

Be welcome,
esteemed Direction of Santa Inc.,

Santa Claus, press
and special guests.

And a Presidents Day spy!
Security, take him.

I'm Candy Smalls
and this is the annual Workshop Status.

Now I wanted to talk
of the future of Santa Inc.

and the changes that need to be made.

Santa Claus V wrote: "Do
one thing a day that scares you."

He couldn't agree more.
It's hard to change

but we can do it
honestly and efficiently.

In the background, our reindeer
they are strong and capable.

With the help of a*t*matic reindeer

and alternating with Team B
to prevent burnout,

I believe we can
reach records every year.

One day...

- Screw this. Excuse me.
- What the hell?

Management is open

ragged.
This is a nightmare.

We have to cheer them up quickly,
but how?

Let's give them bars
of Christmas Spirit. a little bit.

Yes, it will cheer them up because it's sugar.

Good conversation.

More ideas to achieve
maximum efficiency.

dismantle the system
of good and bad.

Coal is heavy
and makes the sled % slower.

one of the advantages
to dismantle the coal mine,

can be used in insurance
more comprehensive health

that will create workers
happier.

And happy workers
are faster.

Healthy efficient people,
it's possible.

Give us the free scenes, damn it!
I like offers.

This year there are no offers.
They are idiots and materialists.

Christmas is too, sucker!

- Dry!
- Shut that lady's mouth!

Malta, look over here.

She needs a distraction.
Jeremy will help!

- It floats.
- Someone has a g*n!

It didn't go as planned.

Heavens! This is a hit!

Why didn't you do like Brent?
Seriously?

You could have impressed the Board
and you ruined everything.

I'm not Brent. if you want to know
the truth, Brent wasn't...

- Brent wasn't...
- Wasn't what? He speaks!

Sincerely,
you annoyed everyone.

I thought you were good
in entertainment.

This is essential in a Successor
and you don't have it.

So you should see me
at karaoke, m*therf*cker!

Sorry.
I just think this has to change.

- Already!
- Don't talk to me about moving.

I chose the first black Successor.
Capital "N".

- That was a change.
- Very well, Candy.

I always thought that speeches
Brent's looked like a circus.

Yours was a documentary
of the Holocaust.

- You grabbed my heart and my mind.
- That was my intention.

understand me.
I would love to have coffee with you

or exchange ideas.

All right, enough. We will.

I will melt you,
drink you like a shot of vodka

and piss you in a gutter!

There you are.

I blew it.
What am I going to do now?

The obvious. drink until you drop
and show the world what you're worth.

All storms run out of rain

And every life is not just pain

- Burn me with lies and deceit
- It's my Candy!

because in the end
I will be reborn like a phoenix
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