09x21 - Sold!/Lame and Fortune

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

Aye, aye, Captain!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants! - Ready?

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

- Spongebob

Squarepants!

- Did you get stuck in the pet door again?

- I ain't gonna lie to you, Meredith.

I am not a happy camper!

- We'll be right back with "The Giant Isopod

Stuck in the Pet Door" show after these messages.

- Homes! Homes! Homes! Homes! Homes!

I'm Nick Fishkins and I want to buy your home!

- What? - You heard me.

I want to buy your home.

- But my home's not for sale. - It doesn't matter to me.

Any condition, any size. I'll buy your home.

Sold! - Sold?

Where am I gonna live now?

What's happening, Patrick?

You going on a hike? - It's a forever hike.

- A forever hike?

- Yeah. All because of Nick Fishkins.

- Who's Nick Fishkins?

- He shows up on television and buys your home

and there's nothing you can do about it.

Now I am doomed to walk the seas without a home.

- Aw, don't worry, Patrick. You can move in with me.

We'll be roommates. - Wow!

- I'm Nick Fishkins and I want to buy your home!

Sold!

- Pfffft! - Pfffft!

- Well, we might as well spend the night here.

It's not so bad.

We could make a home out of all this trash.

- Don't forget to make a garage for our new boat.

Huh, how strange.

Usually I wake up each morning with a dark feeling of dread

gnawing at my stomach,

but today I feel positively...happy.

- Ooh! Eh?

- Still doesn't hurt. - Morning, Squidward.

- Good morning, Spongebob.

Ack! Oh...that's why I felt great this morning.

There was no Spongebob.

- Hi, Squidward!

- Oh, what did you numbskulls do with the trash?

- Built a house.

- What the-- Why?

- 'Cause Nick Fishkins bought my home

and then he bought Spongebob's home.

- So now we live here.

- Oh, why didn't you just use the money

that Nick Fishkins gave you

to rent a room or buy a new home?

- Well, he hasn't paid us yet.

- Yeah, he said it right on the TV: "I want to buy your home."

But we haven't seen any money.

Let me get this straight.

You saw a TV commercial of Nick Fishkins

saying he would buy your home

and without meeting him or signing anything

you believe your homes have been sold?

Now doesn't that seem weird, even to you?

- Really weird.

- Oh, listen, you dumb--

Uh, you know, looks like you guys got Fishkined,

and, well, there's nothing you can do about that.

Ready for work, Mister Krabs.

- Wait a minute! What's the matter with you, boy?

You look like you slept in a pile of trash.

- A pile of trash house.

Patrick and I built one out back with all your garbage.

- With my garbage? On my land?

I'll be charging you a reasonable rental fee.

- How much? - Hmm.

Your paycheck ought to cover it.

- Gee, I didn't know being homeless was so expensive.

- Ah, work is done.

Now I can go home to a Spongebob-free zone

and rearrange my doily collection.

- I miss the old neighborhood.

I think I'm gonna visit my old house tonight.

- Ah, no! No, you don't want to do that.

- Why? - Well,

a family has moved in there

with a lot of kids and they don't like to be disturbed.

- How many is a lot? - Oh, like, pffft... kids.

- But if I just ask politely to visit, do you think they'd--

- And they don't speak English.

The Fishtrapps only speak... German.

- Maybe I could move in with whoever's in my house.

- No, no, no! A band lives there now.

- A rock band? - Um...yes?

- 'Cause my house is a rock?

- Yes, a big rock band with like eight people

and all sorts of musical equipment

so there's only room for musicians, ha.

- Hey, I could learn German.

- And I could learn what "learn" is.

- Mmm, nice.

Ah! It's like a beautiful dream.

So peaceful. No more aggravation.

What is that porous terror up to now?

Oh no! He's expecting a big family that speaks German!

Uh, German...hello?

- Ach! Guten morgen. Mein name ist Spongebob.

- Say what? - Guten morgen.

Mein name ist Spongebob.

Ich bin gekommen, um meine alte Heimat besuchen.

- Please would you speaken-zee English?

I need za practice.

- Oh, ja! I mean, sure!

Good morning. My name is Spongebob.

What is your name? - Um...Gerhard.

- Well, hello. Gerhard. I used to live here.

Just stopped by to visit my old home.

- Ach, meine Neptune. Uh, now is nein

such a good time mit the wife and such.

- Wife? Where is she? - Uhh...Hey, Spongebob.

- Gack! She's...shy.

Well, I must be going.

Mine wifen calling me for zupper.

She is a fine Gutenchef of Fudenschlop.

- Would you mind if I stayed for zupper?

Whatcha having? - Um...

Kerglooginpfiefer mit schlusinberry klabber sauz.

- Kerglooginpfiefer? That's my favorite!

What's your wife's name?

- I don't know! Hedvig!

- Whoo!

- Dunt moven! Not a schtepp!

Nein! Nein! No moven sie! Sitz!

Hey, man, like, what's happening?

- I missed my house and I was hoping I could move back in.

- Oh, sorry, dude, no room. This place is, like,

filled with band members and musical instruments.

- What do you play? - Oh...the electric clarinet.

- There's no such thing! - Sure, there is.

- Prove it.

- I'll be right back.

- Oh, Gerhard? Are you coming back?

- Hello! You must be Hedvig.

- Hedvig? Oh! Oh, ja.

That's me, Hedvig.

- I have heard so much about

your Kerglooginpfiefer mit schlusinberry klabber sauz.

Can't wait to try it.

- One--

One second!

Tonight's zupper is to go.

So, please to go.

- Well, aren't your little German children

gonna sing for me while I eat?

- I don't have children!

I mean, I mean, ja, ja. Outzide, please.

- I love outdoor concerts.

- Uh, groovy enough for you, man?

- That was great! You should give lessons

to my ex-neighbor, Squidward.

He stinks!

- What's going on?

- Shh! The Fishtrapp children are gonna sing!

I think the littlest kiddiewink

is off-key.

- They need a band.

I'll go talk to the guys that live at my old place

and see if they can come over to play along.

- Yeah!

That's it! I'm done.

- Squidward? What are you doing in the Fishtrapps' house?

- You idiots.

It's not the Fishtrapps' house!

It's your house!

And that is still Patrick's house!

You just saw a commercial! That's all!

- So...is Nick Fishkins gonna live in my house?

- Grr! He doesn't live in the houses he buys.

- Well, if he doesn't live in them, what does he do with them?

- He flips the houses, you dimwits!

He buys houses, then resells them for a profit.

He flips houses for a living!

- He flips houses for a living?

- Yes! And I'm calling Nick Fishkins right now

to come over and flip my house so I can move away!

- Poor Squidward.

We should do something really nice for him.

- Ooh! I know.

- All right, Patrick, on the count of three.

One, two, three!

- Aah! Aah!

- Say, is this home of Squidward Tentacles?

The one that was for sale? - Sure is.

- Yech. This place is a wreck.

I'm Nick Fishkins and I do not want to buy this home.

Not sold.

- What happened? - We flipped your house for ya.

- Who's that driving away?

- That was Nick Fishkins.

- And what did he say?

- He said "Yeesh!

"Who'd want to live in that thing?

Not sold."

- I--I can't believe you did that!

You're welcome!

Ach du lieber.

- Oh, look at that cloud, Gary.

It looks just like a giraffe eating ice cream.

You're right, Gary.

All this cloud-watching...

is making me hungry too.

Ooh! Look at that big one, Gary.

And getting bigger and bigger

and bigger and bigger and--ow!

- Hey, Gary. That was a pretty heavy cloud.

You're right, Gary.

It's not a cloud at all.

Let's see what's inside.

Ooh, fortune cookies!

Vague prophecies baked into delicious bite-sized snacks.

These cookies can see the future, Gary,

which means they knew we were hungry even before we did.

Let's eat!

Did you hear that, Gary?

The fortune is true!

Let's look at your future.

"Happy trails will follow you always."

Your fortune came true too!

Cookies with fortunes that actually come true?

We have to share these with everybody!

- No, Spongebob, we are not handing out

anything free with every purchase.

Even the smiles here cost a nickel.

Aw! Why not, Mister Krabs?

Because, Spongebob, fortune cookie fortunes

are always lame and they never come true.

- Oh, but that is where you're wrong, Squidward.

These fortune cookies are different.

Try one.

- No. - Oo-oop!

"You will be rewarded

for your particular talents." Right.

- Excuse me, Mr. Squidward Tentacles?

You have just won

"The Most Miserable Cashier In Bikini Bottom" contest.

Here's your cash prize. Ha ha!

- Holy harpoons! The fortune did come true!

- Me cash register, me money.

- And that's why my depression is award-winning.

- Don't you see, Mister Krabs?

The fortunes in those cookies are real!

Can't we share them with everyone?

You know, you're right, Spongebob.

We must share these magical macaroons

with all the folks in Bikini Bottom.

You just leave it to me.

- Oh, great!

Great.

- This is how you hook 'em.

Now remember, the first one is free!

"Something wonderful is about to happen to you".

I love puppies!

Thanks, fortune cookie!

"Eat your hat,

and you will fall in love."

Ha ha.

Thanks, fortune cookie.

- "You will soon injure your legs"?

My legs!

I was looking for an excuse to get out of jury duty!

Thanks, fortune cookie!

- Those fortune cookies are a hit!

Whoa!

- Fortune cookies at the Krusty Krab, eh?

Well, Eugene, I have a prediction too:

you are in for an epic fail supreme with extra cheese.

Sheldon!

Where are you?

Barnacles, woman, would it k*ll you

to leave me alone for five minutes?

- Sorry, your lordship,

but the garbage isn't going to take itself out.

Riddle me this, computer wife:

What's hollow, full of lies,

and leaves a bad taste in your mouth?

- Our marriage?

- No! Fortune cookies!

And Krabs is raking it in right now

because all of his fortunes are actually coming true.

So... - So, you've got an evil plan

to get the Krabby Patty secret formula

and soon it will be yours, all yours.

Wah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!

- Wow, I can't tell if you're sarcastic or psychic.

Ooh, this'll be a good one.

"You...stink."

Enjoy your new fortune cookies, Krabs!

Time for a refill!

- What is my future?

- My tentacles are gonna fall off

if I don't get a break soon, Mister Krabs!

- Look out, Mr. Squidward.

I'll teach you how to run a cash register.

More cookies, Spongebob!

- Fortunes flying in, Mister Krabs!

- Let the wave of misfortune begin!

- "You will get stomach cramps from the Krusty Krab"?

- "An octopus with a big nose just spit in your food"?

- "A yellow sponge will serve you salmonella"?

- "You will live forever if you eat at the Chum Bucket"?

- Let's eat at the Chum Bucket!

- What did we ever do to those fortune cookies

to make them lie about us like that?

- Well, the fortunes in those cookies

were always right before.

Here, Mister Krabs--maybe this next one'll change your luck.

Hmm. "Unless you give a tiny copepod

"the Krabby Patty secret formula,

you will die"?

- Hello! Did someone say "copepod"?

Just wanted to borrow a cup of grease, Eugene.

I'll come back later! Ciao!

- J-just how true are these cookie fortunes, Spongebob?

- If the cookie says it's true, then it's true!

Horribly, terribly, truthfully true!

- "You will die."

Die...die...die...

- Oh, I'll miss you, Daddy!

But I really can't wait to spend

all your hard-earned money on shoes!

- Me money!

- Mister Krabs, no!

Mister Krabs?

Mister Krabs, it's time.

- Aah-ha-ha! - It's time to give up

the secret formula to Plankton.

Because your life is worth more

than some scrap of paper in a bottle!

- You're right, me boy-o.

I got to face me fortune.

- Don't crowd, there's more chumbalaya

where that came from, unfortunately.

Ugh!

- It's worth it to live forever.

- This scheme is working perfectly.

And here comes gullible Krabs now

to hand-deliver the secret formula.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

- Oh, this crowd is impossible!

- Leave it to me, Mister Krabs!

I'll make sure Plankton gets his so you won't get yours.

Hot stuff comin' through!

- Don't worry, secret formula! I'm coming, baby!

- Yow! Ow!

Me wants that ba-ba!

- Aah!

- Here, Plankton. Mister Krabs wants you to have this.

- Heh, heh! Finally!

No!

Whoa--

Aah, aah!

I have had enough!

Get out of my restaurant, you mindless sheep!

I wrote those fortunes!

They were fakes!

Don't you get it? Now all of you, out!

- Let's go back to the Krusty Krab!

Yeah! - Yeah, back to the Krusty Krab!

Yeah!

- I guess I didn't really think that through.

- I figured the funeral fortune was phony, Flankton!

- Oh, yeah?

What are you gonna do about it, Eugene?

- Nothing, Sheldon.

Here, have a fortune cookie.

"You will go on a long voyage

where you will get everything you deserve."

Hey!

Uhh! Hey! Oof!

Mommy!