05x08 - You Regatta Be Kidding Me

[bunniefuu]

Chris:

Last time on "total drama":

A brutal teens versus mutants

Fisticuffs free-for-all proved,

Beyond all doubt,

That these guys

Will do anything

For a million bucks!

Even newly re-friended courtney

And gwen had to battle it out.

(Laughs)

The villains ruled victorious,

But in a last minute twist,

The villains got to send

A loser hero home

And the heroes got to send

A winner villain to exile.

So it was "see ya tomorrow,

Alejandro,"

And "see ya never,

Sierra!"

Only eight players remain,

And none of them are ready

For how everything

Is about to change

Right here,

Right now,

On total... Drama... All-stars!

♪♪

♪ I wanna be,

I wanna be

♪ I wanna be famous

♪ I wanna be,

I wanna be

♪ I wanna be famous

(Whistling chorus)

(Camera shutter snaps)

Gwen:

(Relaxed yawn)

Ah, I just dreamt

I was riding a fluffy unicorn

Across clouds

Made of marshmallows.

Courtney:

Yeah, they're soft beds

All right.

A couple of days ago

I was ready to quit;

Now that we're friends

Again,

I never want it to end!

I hope we make it

To the finale together.

What about scott?

He's cool and all,

But like you say,

You gotta put friends first.

Awww!

Gwen and courtney:

(In unison) if I don't win

The million bucks,

I hope you do!

And I mean it, too!

Cameron:

Good morning, scott.

No, it's not.

These walls are way too thick.

Speak up!

Cameron:

Well, as long as sierra is far,

Far away,

I'm good!

Scott:

Don't be too sure.

Just 'cause she's gone,

Don't mean you're safe.

Being on the villains team

Is so nerve-wracking

I've started sleeping

With one eye open,

And now I can't blink it.

See?!

I had to throw him off.

The heroes are taking over

The villains team!

Gwen's a wannabe,

And with cameron and courtney,

Me and alejandro

Are outnumbered!

If I was back home

Right now,

I'd be barricading myself

In the cellar

With enough potatoes

And toilet paper

To last till

The next millennium!

Everyone thinks I've gone soft

And lost my edge.

I'll show them who's gone soft.

I'll show 'em all!

(Can rattles)

How about a classic skull

And crossbones?

(Mischievous chuckle)

Awwww.

What a cute bunny!

Duncan:

Argh! Don't call me that!

I was talking about

Your painting.

Duncan:

Huh? Aw, it's not a bunny!

It's emotional graffiti!

Ungh!

(Pained groan)

Grrr! I'll show them.

(Frustrated grunt)

Whatever!

(Gasps)

That's it!

I'll drive chef's ride

Into the ocean.

Then we'll see

Who's not a delinquent!

(Engine sputters)

Huh. Must be something

With the starter.

Let's see...

(Parts clank,

Engine sputters)

Chris:

Attention, campers!

Please gather out front,

Right where duncan's

Being all sweet.

Duncan:

Grrr! No I'm not!

Chef:

Duncan, you fixed my jeep!

You're a good kid!

Grrrrr!

Cameron:

Wow, you survived a whole night

All alone on boney island

Without so much as a scratch?

I'm impressed.

How'd you pull it off?

It is all about attitude.

(Ferocious roar)

Alejandro:

My, your breath is powerful.

It is almost as compelling

As your eyes.

(Harp music plays)

The only eyes more beautiful

Than yours

Are those of that gopher.

(Bear roars ferociously,

Gopher squeals in fear)

Alejandro:

Survival was easy.

Also, I have a special way

With animals.

Enough with

The self-promotion, al.

I have a big

Announcement!

Today,

The teams are being merged!

(Everyone gasps)

That's right!

From now on, challenges are

For individual winners only,

And everyone is at risk

Of getting the not-so-royal

Flush.

(Phone rings)

I have to take this.

It's my stylist.

Yeah, how come my socks

Don't match my shirt?!

Stick together

No matter what?

Friendship finale

Version . ,

Here we come!

Hey, um...

Can I get in on that?

Of course!

For now...

Duncan thinks mike's

Just an alternate personality

For an evil guy he met in juvee

Named mal.

Well, maybe mal is one of mike's

Alternate personalities,

But no way is it

The other way around.

Anyway,

Mike's in control again -

Just ask the tarot.

What's next for mike?

The lonely prisoner...

The creepy tower...

And the evil leprechaun?!

Meh. I couldn't remember

All the cards

So I made a few up.

It's so easy

To imitate mike.

Not even zoey has a clue

I'm not him.

I should have done this

Years ago!

(Evil snicker)

Mike:

(Grunts of effort)

Come on...

(Struggling grunts)

(Exhales, winded)

Man, what a drag.

Wait...

What's with the top

Of that tower?

It kinda looks like...

Question marks:

Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Mike:

(Grunts) yes!

Question marks:

Why? Why? Why?

Because!

Chester, are you...

Selling skateboards?

Chester:

Enh, it was mal's idea.

Mike:

(Gasps) maybe you can help me

Fight him

And get control

Of my mind again!

Chester:

Who, mal?

Oh, why, he's the whippiest

Snappin' whippersnapper

That ever snapped a-

Chester!

Will you help me?

Er... Ah, what the heck!

I'm with ya, mike!

Mike:

All right, let's go - heh! -

To the weird, creepy tower!

Chester:

Yeaaahooo-oh boy,

This is gonna probably

End badly.

Chris:

Mm-hm. Yeah!

Guy thinks I'm colour blind.

As if!

Anyhoo...

This week's challenge

Is a regatta around the island.

Duncan:

A re-what-a?

Regatta -

It's a boat race.

So why didn't you

Say that?

Because I'm classy,

Hello?!

First person

To successfully circumnavigate

The entire island

Wins immunity

And a night at the spa hotel.

Don't worry, chef will keep

Things interesting

By providing some "obstacles"

For you!

(Contestants gasp and groan,

Chris laughs)

Some of the boats

Are seaworthy,

Some are sinker-rific,

And they're all first come,

First serve,

Starting... Now!

(Contestants cheer)

Courtney:

Come on, gwen,

Let's go!

Hey! Can I be part

Of your alliance?

Gwen:

Why?

I could use some allies,

And I can protect you

From people like mike.

Courtney:

Ha! Like he's a thr*at.

Duncan:

I'm telling you,

He's dangerous!

I knew him back in juvee

When his name was mal!

Gwen and courtney:

(Laugh)

He thinks mike

Is a thr*at?

Wow. That's like a million

On the lame scale.

Poor duncan.

So sad.

(Laughs)

Chris:

And alejandro takes the lead!

(Boat motors whir smoothly)

Gwen and courtney:

Yes! Woo!

Chris:

And courtney and gwen

Team up by choice,

Despite the whole...

Only-one-person-wins thing.

Interesting.

(Electricity crackles)

(Anchor thuds,

Water splashes)

(Air hisses)

Zoey:

Mike! Oh...

He left us the powerboat!

(Ignition sputters,

Water sputters)

It was already rusty...

Guess the raft

Will have to do!

Cameron:

Hey! Get your own boat!

Duncan:

This is the only one

That floats!

No time to debate.

Let's go!

And start paddling!

Chris:

And the riff-raff

Ride the rickety raft.

(Laughs)

I am hilarious.

(Motor sputters out)

Aie, no!

Come now, beautiful engine.

Start for alejandro!

Chris:

And mike takes the lead!

But will he keep it all the way

Through coconut alley?

Coconut alley?

(Hard clunk)

Ow!

(Coconuts thump)

Chris:

Courtney and gwen reach

Coconut alley!

(Chuckles deviously)

Courtney:

Uh-oh! What's that?

(Loud thumps

And hard clunks)

Gwen: hey! (Gasps)

Courtney: (screams)

Gwen:

Courtney!

Woo!

Thanks, gwen.

I almost got my hair wet!

(Gasps) I would never

Let that happen.

Your hair is fantastic.

No, your hair is!

What's your secret?

I double condition.

Boring!

Better up the ante, chef!

It's times like these

When I really love this job.

(Snickers)

(Loud expl*si*n,

Gwen and courtney scream)

Courtney:

Aw, great!

(Engine sputters

And coughs)

Duncan:

Hey, alejandro,

Boat trouble?

Alejandro:

Not anymore!

(Riff-rafters yelp,

Alejandro laughs)

Adios, non-amigos!

Zoey:

If we only had a motor...

Cameron:

That's it!

Scott:

Huh?

Hey! What was that for?

Cameron:

Sorry, scott,

Nothing personal!

Just attracting our motor!

Scott:

Oh no. No, no, no, no,

No, no, no!

(Horrified scream)

Cameron:

Fang has a bit of an obsession

With scott.

Man! Even cameron is more edgy

Than me

And he's like

A talking pencil!

So far,

Everyone's still alive,

But really,

How likely is that to continue?

Find out when we return

With more

Total... Drama... All-stars!

Duncan:

Here, sharky-sharky!

(Devious laughter)

Scott:

Not funny!

Cameron:

Almost ready.

Zoey, tie the other end

To the raft!

Zoey:

You guys,

This is crazy!

Cameron:

Trust me, it'll work!

I hope.

Scott:

(Terrified screaming)

Zoey:

Hold on, scott!

You're doing great!

Great idea, dude.

Very villainous.

Huh?

Oh my gosh!

Am I turning evil?!

I wasn't trying

To be a villain!

I was just helping scott

To be a hero?

(Banging on engine)

Alejandro:

Ladies.

Scott:

(Screaming)

Gwen and courtney:

(Disappointed groans)

Chris:

This just in:

Mike still has the lead!

And thanks to

The riff-rafters' new engine,

Guess who's last?

Last place?!

Aw, man!

(Furious grunts)

Come on,

You piece of junk!

(Waters splashes)

Scott:

(Screaming)

Incoming!

Hold tight!

(Chuckles victoriously)

Don't mind if I do!

(Growls)

Zoey:

Is that where chris lives?!

Yeah. Beautiful...

Just beautiful.

Zoey:

Duncan!

Where are you going?!

If anyone thinks I've gone soft,

Or lost my mojo,

Let's just say I found a way

To set the record straight.

Piranhas! Dead ahead!

Snappy, toothy piranhas!

Cameron:

And mike!

We might just catch up!

Zoey:

But who are we going

To catch up to?

If only there was a way

To make sure he's really mike

And not some sneaky

Alternate persona.

Cameron:

There is one way.

If you were to get

Into some sort of danger...

Zoey:

That's right!

That gives me a crazy idea -

Wish me luck!

Cameron:

Agh!

(Piranha teeth snap)

(Gasps)

Zoey, no!

Zoey:

Mike! Help!

Miiiike!

Zoey? Zoey!

(Frightened whimper)

Mal:

What the...?

(Inhales)

Hey, why am I on a boat?

Chris:

Alejandro takes the lead!

Too easy!

Zoey:

(Screaming)

Oh my gosh, zoey!

Oh, no you don't!

Ungh!

Mike:

Zoey! I...

Nooo!

Zoey:

(Distantly)

Miiiiiiike!

I don't know

What's happening!

Zoey's in trouble

And there's nothing I can do!

Urgh! When I get out of here,

Mal is going to pay!

Hellllp!

Mal:

Oh, uh, hold on!

The engine won't start.

(Mimics engine sputtering)

Zoey: help!

Mal: (mimics engine sputtering)

Seriously!

Cameron:

Mike, zoey's in danger!

(Sighs) only because otherwise

It'll look "suspicious."

Please don't eat me.

Aggghhhh!

Mal:

Sorry that took so long.

I'm just glad you're okay.

(Relieved breaths)

I knew it!

I knew he wouldn't let me

Become fish food!

So romantic!

(Evil laughter)

How gullible is this girl?

Courtney:

Oh, why won't you work?!

(Engine coughs and whirs)

Gwen:

Oh, thank goodness!

Let's go!

Chris:

All the boats are in

The final stretch!

Who's going to win

Tonight's immunity?

(Engine rumbles

And sputters)

Ugh!

Chris:

Oh! Alejandro's chances

Of winning have stalled!

Just like his motor.

Alejandro:

No! No! No! No!

Zoey:

Nearly there!

Scott:

(Screaming)

Scott: too close!

Cameron: zoey!

Too close!

Cameron:

Help! Zoey!

Oh no!

We have to help cameron!

Mal:

What?

Zoey: I said, we...

Courtney and gwen: woo-hoo!

Mal:

Sorry, i-i can't hear you!

Cameron:

Help!

Scott, I'm so sorry!

I just can't hold you up

Anymore!

(Chomp)

(Screaming)

(Shudders)

Never, ever make enemies

With a critter

Who has more teeth

Than your whole family combined!

Never!

Scott:

(Screams) unnngh!

Your turn to be fish food!

Cameron:

Whoaaa! (Splash)

(Fang roars,

Then sniffs)

Mmm...

Seriously?!

(Huffed sigh)

Guess he wanted a meal,

Not a snack.

Get back up here

And start paddling!

I know what I did

Was wrong,

But fang would've probably only

Chewed on scott for a minute

Before spitting him out,

Just to make a point.

I mean... Right?

(Gulps)

(Engine sputters)

Chris and chef:

(Uncontrollable laughter)

Gwen:

What's alejandro doing?

His engine must've d*ed!

Courtney:

Guess he'll have to...

Alejand-row row row his boat.

(Gwen and courtney laugh,

Boat horn honks)

Gwen:

Hurry!

They're gaining on us!

Courtney:

Not on my yacht!

Courtney and gwen:

All right! Faster! Go, go!

Woo-hoo! Woo! Yeah!

(Engine sputters)

Gwen and courtney:

Yeah! Go, go! Yeah!

(Sputtering)

Chris:

Ooh! Alejandro wins it

By a nose!

Courtney and gwen

Take second place -

Not that it matters -

Mike and zoey take third,

And cameron and scott

May have come in last,

But they were definitely

The funniest!

"A meal, not a snack."

(Hearty laughter)

(Laughing and snorting)

Oh, my sides...

(Exhales)

Pfft! It wasn't that funny,

Chris.

Chris:

Wait a minute.

Where's duncan?

(Thunderous expl*si*n)

Zoey:

What the heck was that?

Chris:

(Gasps) my cottage!

(Anguished cry)

You called that

A cottage?!

It was a mansion!

Duncan:

(Wild laughter)

Oh yeah!

Woo-hoo!

Now who's gone soft?

(Laughing)

So many pictures of me...

Gone!

All, all gone!

We'll build you

Another cottage.

It was not a cottage!

(Depressed sigh)

As winner of today's challenge,

Alejandro gets immunity

And a night at the spa hotel

And he can bring one person

Along with him.

As much as I would love

To bring you all,

I cannot play favourites

And break all of your hearts.

Contestants:

(Disappointed groans)

As for the rest of you,

Time to hit the voting booth.

Hey, alejandro,

So, I was kinda wondering,

Uh, since there aren't

Any teams anymore,

Um, maybe we could form

An alliance or something?

I-i mean, if you want.

Maybe?

(Feigned nervous laughter)

Hmm....

Intriguing and unexpected.

Just the way

I like to play.

Mal: (gasps)

Alejandro: deal.

With a friend like me,

Who needs enemies?

(Evil laughter,

Flames crackle)

Chris: (monotone voice)

(Sighs) good news.

As a reward for making it

To the merge,

There will be no boney island

For any of you tonight.

Contestants:

Yeah! Yes! Yay!

Chris:

Do you know

How many statues of me

Were lost in that expl*si*n?

Five!

Courtney:

Can we just get on

With the ceremony already?!

Told ya!

Told ya I was a villain!

Before you vote for

The first time as individuals,

I have a special surprise

For "boom boom" over here.

Aw, chris,

You shouldn't have!

Cop:

You're under arrest

For the destruction

Of a private cottage.

Courtney:

It was not a... Grrrrr!

Way to go, "bad boy,"

I hope looking cool is worth

Getting locked up again!

It is!

I'm gonna rule juvee!

Chris:

Juvee?

Um, you destroyed

A major piece of property.

It's a big-boy jail for you,

Bro,

And it's gonna be

A real slammer! (Laughs)

Duncan:

Uh... Wait!

It was an accident!

Come on, guys,

Have a heart!

I didn't know you weren't

Supposed to put a toaster

In the microwave!

Aw, snugglemuffins!

Ah, justice.

Okay, it's voting time!

I'm voting for cameron.

He used me for shark bait!

I hate it

When people do that!

With sierra gone,

I don't know who to vote for.

But since scott's so mad at me,

He wins.

I mean, loses.

Well, I believe this

Is a first -

The votes have been tallied

And it's unanimous:

Tonight's flush o' shame

Recipient is...

Cameron.

What?!

How could it be unanimous?

I didn't vote

For myself!

I didn't vote for him

Either!

Relax. Since duncan

The destroyer is gone,

Cameron gets yet another stay

Of flush-icution.

You're still in the game,

For now.

(Relieved sigh)

Sweet!

(Whistles "in the hall

Of the mountain king")

(Evil snicker)

Obviously, the votes

Were tampered with.

I feel like a fly

At a frog banquet.

They're all out

To get me!

Eight players down,

Seven to go.

Who's next to take a paddle

In the big porcelain pond?

My money's on this guy.

Cameron:

Hey!

Find out for sure

When we return

With another all new episode

Of total... Drama...

All-stars!