05x14 - So, Uh, This Is My Team?

[bunniefuu]

Welcome total drama fans!

Put on some clean undies,

Cuz things are about

To get wild.

Yeeeaah!

Spankin' fresh contestants

And a totally

Brand new location:

A cree island

In western canada!

As you might recall,

During our heroes vs. Villains

Finale,

Someone - and I prefer

To remain nameless -

Accidentally destroyed

Our old island.

So this... Is where we landed.

No shacks, no showers,

No hotels, no hot tub!

The only things

We managed to save

Were the outhouse confessional.

And the horrific butt smells

That live inside it.

Intern:

(Gasps for air)

It'll be the roughingest

Roughing it

That's ever been roughed

On total drama!

So buckle up.

This is total... Drama...

Pahkitew island!

♪♪♪

♪ I wanna be ♪

♪ I wanna be ♪

♪ I wanna be famous ♪

♪ I wanna be ♪

♪ I wanna be ♪

♪ I wanna be famous ♪

(Whistling chorus)

(Engine whirring)

(Creaking)

Ella:

(Humming)

Want some gum?

Your offer of simple

Confectionery

Will not save you

From the pure evil of me!

But yes, thank you.

(Chewing)

Hm.

(Coughs, spits)

(Deep inhale)

Cinnamon!

There is no need for you

To be that spicy!

Heheh. That guy's a little

Weir-d.

Experiamus!

I know many spells

To ward off evil.

Oh... Good?

Ella:

And there's nothing that can't

Be made sweeter with a song!

(Snow white-esque)

Aaaahhhahhahhaaaahhhh!

Beardo:

(Beatbox in a high falsetto)

Sonnnnnnng.

Ugh. Switch seats with me

Right now!

(Sighs)

(Gasp) giant!

Are you and I gonna

Have a problem?

Switch back. Now!

Topher:

Chris? Yo, chris?

What the...

I don't get it.

Chris!

Chris has gotta be here

Somewhere!

Anyone seen chris?

You seen chris?

Stop your figittin'.

You scuff my pageant shoes

And I'll toss you

Out the window!

You'll be squished flat

In two minutes!

Actually in the first

Seconds

He would fall feet

But then he would reach

Terminal velocity

And drop feet per second.

So, if we're flying at

The recommended , feet

He would hit the ground

In minutes and seconds.

Wow, that girl has some

Real brains, huh?

Brains?!

Whose brains?!

No one is getting

My brains!

(Lightning strikes,

Thunder rolls)

Chef:

Hang on!

This might get hairy!

(Rumbling, objects clatter)

Ahhhhhhhhhh!

(Sing-song screaming)

Hello newbies!

Ready for some fun?!

Yes!

Huh, a couple of keeners.

I'm sure a little pain and

Starvation will fix that.

Let's get started.

This aircraft stinks

And is equipped

With emergency exits.

Here and at the end

Of the cabin.

At said exits you will find

Parachute packs.

Only half of them contain

Actual parachutes.

The other half contain

Surprises

That will be utterly useless

While falling from the sky.

Sky:

Well, hopefully

We won't need them.

Who knows? This season

Is full of surprises.

Like this!

(Beeping, expl*si*n)

(Screams of panic)

(Screaming)

Jasmine:

Move!

Topher:

This is great.

You've outdone yourself,

Chris!

Parachute?

Oh, no thank you.

I'm actually a hologram.

Chef:

What? Why ain't I a hologram?

(Gasp)

Abandon ship!

(Screaming)

The koala says cluck

To the platypus for luck.

(Chicken clucks)

(Whomp whomp whomp)

Samey:

(Screams)

(Gasp)

Oh, I'll miss you, sis.

Not much but-

(Laugh)

Probably not at all.

Later.

Yes!

Oh fine!

You can live.

(Cats screech)

Perrrrfect.

Eeee! Oh, thank you!

Thank you!

I'm not prepared to make

A speech but...

I'm so proud to be crowned

Miss-oof! Crud!

Yep. Feathers.

I get it. Funny.

(Relieved sigh)

I knew chris wouldn't

Let me fall.

Time to cast a spell.

Hm. Wings?

Ah. Page .

Oh, that's just wrong!

All right!

(Excited gasp)

I'm glad you're safe,

Little bear!

Hello there.

Care for a song?

(Bird chirps)

♪ I'm falling on a sunny,

Sunny day. ♪

♪ Hit the ground,

I just may... ♪

Normally I love hotdogs.

Right now,

Not so much.

Ugh!

Hey. Thanks.

Hey, my spell worked!

(Falling screams)

And here they come now.

Ahhh!

(Splash)

Oof!

Samey:

O-m-g, I did it!

Amy:

Break my fall!

Samey:

Ow!

Amy:

Ohhh... Sorry.

(Splash)

(Humming)

Thank you,

My feathered friend!

You could've at least given me

One of the parachutes!

Shoulda, coulda,

Oops, didn't.

But you're right,

And I forgive you.

Let's see...

(Muttering)

Huh. Only one missing.

Not so bad.

Max:

If you do not release me tree

You will be burnt to the groun-

Ahhhh! Oof!

Chris:

Welcome to pahkitew island!

On the right, everyone who had

Actual parachutes:

Scarlett, topher, rodney,

Jasmine, max, amy and samey.

Samey:

Uh, it's sammy.

Amy says everyone

Calls you samey.

Samey:

Well, yes, but-

Cause you're the second twin -

The lesser amy

If you will.

But my real name is-

Chris:

You're officially samey!

Samey:

This is so unfair.

I auditioned for total drama

To get away from amy.

Your team will be the "pi-ma

Po-tew gih-noh-say-wuk".

Which is cree

For soaring eagles.

Sky:

Um. Nnnno.

Sorry. Wrong.

That means the floating salmon.

Chris:

Ohh. Heheh.

Then I guess you're

The floating salmon.

Those without chutes;

Shawn, leonard, ella, dave,

Beardo, sky, and sugar.

Your team is the

"Waa-nihtu mu-skwuk".

Which in cree means

Ferocious tig-

Sky:

The confused bears?!

This is what you get for using

A free online translator.

My bad.

Anywho, seeing as there's

Nowhere

For any of you to sleep tonight

We figured your first challenge

Should be...

To build your own shelter!

Oh, muffin tops,

I'm too tired for that!

(Loud fart noise)

Sugar:

That was not me!

A pageant queen never farts,

Unless it is her talent.

But there'd be more to it,

Maybe she'd play a flute or-

Chris: (whistles)

Hey, fart monster...

Yeah, I was talking!

Each team may take supplies

From the common area

Before they begin to build.

But these supplies

Are guarded by chef,

Armed with a powerful

Tennis ball blaster.

A glancing blow will sting!

Dave:

Owww!

That only hurt a little.

Chris:

And a direct hit can take you

Right to the ground.

Ahhh!

(Pained grunt)

Will someone please help

That little boy to his feet?

Ugh! Oof!

Good enough.

On with the challenge!

Team mu-skwuk will build their

Shelter further inland.

Team gih-no-say-wuk,

Towards the beach.

Best shelter,

According to me,

Wins the challenge.

(Sounds air horn)

Begin!

(Panicked screaming)

Sky:

Bears! Follow me!

Jasmine:

Let's move, salmons!

Rodney: listen up we-

Jasmine: here's the plan-

Rodney: we each grab-

Jasmine: three of us should-

You're doing?

(R what do you think

For a second?

(L can you just listen

On the farm it's just me,

My dad

And my little brothers.

I'm kinda used

To being in charge.

It's always the big guys

That are intimidated by me.

Small guys too.

And most girls.

I intimidate people.

Just listen to the plan.

We need to decide what

Items are important

And make sure we get 'em.

Got it?

We'll do it her way.

It's never wrong

To let love be your guide.

And that's how we'll win.

Cool?

With a plan that- flowers-

You, you,

And sunsets aren't not true-

(Kissing lips)

Sky:

One pass each,

Grab something good

And make your way to-

Yeah!

She's totally right!

Good call!

I have some dirt on

My hands but no big deal!

Let's do what she says!

Sky:

Riiight...

Jasmine:

The wood is the most important

Thing out there so-

If you have something

To say scarlett,

Just bark it out.

Scarlett:

Um, no.

But the wheelbarrow

Is more important than wood

Because it's a class

Two lever

And with the wheel acting

As a fulcrum you can-

Samey:

We can carry-

Amy:

Carry stuff in it!

My idea. Mine.

Jasmine:

Nice, amy.

You and samey help rodney

Load the wood

Into the wheelbarrow and go.

The heavy is my heart-

Carrying of-

Amy:

Move it, mumbles!

Rodney:

Owww!

Blam! Blam! Blam!

Sky:

Way to go, shawn!

In my mind, I'm always running

From zombies.

And if you're not,

You're crazy.

Anyway, I grabbed some soup.

Cream of broccoli?

Aww...

Samey:

(Pained grunts)

Uh! Ow ow! Uh ahh! Uh uhn...

Amy:

Hey, stop screaming, you're

Making us sound weak!

Jasmine:

I'm going for the rope!

Everybody bring something good,

Okay?

Heee-yaaaaaa!

I'll bring my face.

Soup?

He grabbed soup?!

You can't make a house

Out of soup!

Leonard:

I once built a castle using

Nothing but a sunflower

And the eyelash of a dragon.

Sugar:

There's no way we can lose;

We've got a wizard on our team!

(Fizzles)

Topher:

Hey chris. You'll be throwing

To commercial soon, right?

Chris:

Um, why do you ask, topher?

Topher:

Well, it's always been a little

Dream of mine

To watch you work -

Live! (Excited gasp)

Who am I to deny the dreams of

Such an intelligent young man?

Pardon me a moment -

Building supplies are being

Collected.

Team gih-noh-say-wuk is doing

A very wood job

But team mu-skwuk

Is looking kinda soup-id?

You don't wanna miss

Any of this here

On total drama...

Pahkitew island!

Topher:

Bravo! Encore! Brilliant!

Chris:

I like this kid.

We're back!

The players are moving,

Chef is sh**ting,

Pick your favorite team

And start a' rooting!

Topher: (laughs)

So funny! Love it!

Chris:

Thank you.

But now it's time to get you

Back into the action!

Topher:

Okay, i-

Aaaaaaaaaaaaauughh! Oof!

♪ Well, a house is home

And a home is house. ♪

♪ This is not a dress, ♪

♪ It's a skirt and a blouse. ♪

Is she singing?

I was a huge fan

Of total drama world tour

And just because we don't

Have to sing anymore

Doesn't mean we can't sing!

(Gasp)

Good news!

I found a bucket of glitter!

Leonard:

Marvelous!

Dave:

No. Not marvelous!

Glitter?

Is she out of her mind?!

She must be,

'Cause it's obvious that

Glitter should be mine!

Whaat?!

Dave! You draw chef's fire,

While beardo makes a run

For the supplies.

(Ding ding)

Ready?

Dave: umm...

Sky: go!

Hey. Hello.

Here. Me.

Eee! Ooo! Yow!

Okay, beardo...now!

(Bionic, robot noises)

Huh? Why are you running

In slo-motion?

(Impact grunts)

Chris:

Six o'clock!

(Laughs)

Sugar:

C'mon! There ain't another

Bucket of glitter

Somewhere in this mess?!

Guh! Aaaugh!

(Laughing)

Max:

Pull faster, minion,

Before we're- gahh!

(Groans)

This foe is beyond you!

Fly, you fool!

Uhm... Okay?

Go back to the shadows

Of wawanakwa!

You! Shall not! Pa-

(Impact grunts)

Dave: (panting)

Okay sky, I have an idea.

You and me can-

Chef:

(Groans)

Chris:

Wowzers. That girl's got some

Skills, huh?

(Air horn blows)

Chris:

It's building time.

You comin' or do you only wanna

Get paid for half the episode?

(Laughs)

Chef:

(Groans)

Max:

An evil genius needs an evil

Lair to do his bidding.

(Gasp)

This cave will be perfect!

(Evil laughter)

(Voice cracks)

Try that again.

(Evil laughter)

Pfft.

It's not important.

To my layer!

Ahhhhhh!

(Bats squeak)

It was very dark in there.

I'd prefer something

Less spooky.

Not to worry.

No rush.

Plenty of time to evil.

Jasmine:

Topher, scarlett,

Glue the boards!

Rodney, help me

With the support beams!

Amy and samey - faster!

(Distant whirring)

Samey:

What are they building?

Rodney:

Sounds pretty serious!

All the more reason

To work harder.

(Loud drilling jackhammer

Sounds)

Dave:

Could you please stop making

Sound effects already?!

Shawn:

What are we gonna build?

Sky:

We have rope, straw,

A hammer-

Ella:

Some very pretty glitter!

And soup! Huh?!

We shall build

A wizard's tower!

Oooh! Yes!

I second that!

Wizard says,

Sugar does.

Who's with us?

(A slide whistle, bell dings)

Sugar:

Four votes

For a wizard tower!

Dave:

But... Nooo. Nooo!

We're not-

Sky:

Dave! The team voted.

Building something is better

Than building nothing.

We gotta hurry!

What do we do first,

Leonard?

Leonard:

First, we link arms

And chant.

All:

Ooooh! (Cheering)

Dave:

Really?!

Jasmine:

There, all done!

Chris:

This is nice.

And a smart move,

Building it above ground level.

Oh, yeah?

And why is that?

Max:

(The ground shakes)

Whoa! Eeeeee! Ugh!

Jasmine:

Oof!

Chris:

Here comes your answer.

(Scream of panic)

Chris:

This island is a little more

Wild than our last one.

(Laughs)

(Pretending to play a trumpet)

Dave:

(Groans) zip it!

(Beardo stops,

Record scratches)

Dave:

Well... This is useless.

Leonard:

But it's not done.

Ella?

Leave this to

The per-fessionals!

Ugh! Huh?

Where's shawn going?

Spend the night with a bunch

Of strangers

Who could turn into zombies

While I'm sleeping.

Ha. No, thank you.

Chris:

Team maskwak -

Wizard's tower, huh?

(Frustrated groan)

Chris:

So...is it moose-proof?

(Laughs)

Sky:

Is it what now?

(Rumbling)

(Screaming)

Sky, sugar, ella, dave:

Take cover! Look out!

Oh my! Aaahh!

(Beardo makes an alarm sound)

Leonard:

Huzzah!

The beasts of pahkitew island

Are no match

For my wizard's tower!

(Rumbling)

Leonard:

Force field!

It worked!

Chris:

I'd like to say

It was a hard decision,

But let's keep it real;

Team pi-ma-po-tew gih-noh-say

Wuk wins the challenge!

Team maskwak:

(Groans)

All right! Whoo hoo!

We did it!

Max:

No. Evil does not high five.

The winners of each challenge

Will be rewarded

This season

With a take-out order

From a sponsoring restaurant.

This week it's the petting

Zoo barbecue!

The petting zoo barbecue:

Someone else touched

Your dinner,

We guarantee it!

Sugar:

sh**t! I always wanted a pony!

Chris:

Team waa-nihtu mu-skwuk

Please go vote.

One member of your team

Is heading home today.

Team maskwak:

(Groans)

Oh, come on!

Welcome to the pahkitew island

Elimination area!

Chris:

This is where we determine

Who stays to play another day

And who gets a one-way

Ticket home!

Can I vote for people?

How could a wizard's

Tower not win?

(Making race car tires

Screeching, crash sound)

The votes are in.

If I hand you a marshmallow,

You're safe.

Chris: sky.

Sky: yes!

Chris:

Shawn, dave, ella,

And sugar, you are safe.

Beardo: you did very little

To help your team

And tried to convince us

That sugar farted.

(A horse whinny laugh)

Chris:

Leonard: you think

You're a wizard

And you convinced your team

To build something

Very, very stupid.

Ala forgeticous...

Um, yeah...okay!

The last marshmallow goes to...

Leonard.

(Laughs)

Marvelous!

(Makes a video game over)

(Sigh)

Game over.

Chris:

This island is named pahkitew,

Which is the cree word

For exploded.

So we thought it fitting

That this season's mode

Of transportation home

Should be something

With a bang.

Without further ado I give you

The boom of abashment,

The kablam of chagrin...

This season's humiliating

Way home:

The cannon of shame!

All:

(Gasp)

Chris:

Any last words?

(A cartridge loading sound)

So long, beardo.

(Beardo makes a cannon blast)

Chris:

Ugh...enough already.

Beardo:

It was really nice to meet

All of yooooouuuuu-!

You know what's weird,

I already don't miss him.

(Laughs)

Well, that's one down

And to go.

Who's the next human

Cannonball?

There are just too many

Good choices!

Tune in and find out yourself,

Here on total... Drama...

Pahkitew island!

Chris:

Next time on total drama:

The players ham it up

Within a greasy obstacle course

With pigs!

Slick!

(Laughing)

Ouch!

Ohhhh, erwwww!

Which team will bring home

The bacon and win?

Find out on the next

Total drama... Pahkitew island!