05x22 - Hurl & Go Seek

[bunniefuu]

Chris:

Last episode of "total drama"

Went down nice and easy -

One juggy chunk at a time.

Then it was time

For a stomach turning game

Of hurl and go seek.

With his heart broken,

Dave voted himself off.

And...that's about it.

Absolutely nothing strange

Happened!

Just like nothing's

Happening now! Nope!

Nothing to see here!

Uh, just a regular day!

Get ready for... (Hard thump)

Total drama...

(Rumbling,

Lightning strikes)

Pahki-

(Static hisses)

(Muzak plays)

♪♪♪

♪ I wanna be...

I wanna be... ♪

♪ I wanna be famous ♪

♪ I wanna be...

I wanna be... ♪

♪ I wanna be famous ♪

(Whistling chorus)

(Lightning strikes,

Wind howls)

Jasmine:

It's an earthquake!

Sky:

No, it's a typhoon!

No, it's a volcano!

(Volcano rumbles

Then erupts)

A... Hawaiian donut volcano?

Dreams can come true!

(Sucks)

What's afoot here?!

I demand the host narrate

An explanation!

No idea what you're

Talking about!

Just need a minute here.

(Remote fizzles)

Jasmine:

You've got ten seconds

To tell us what's happening.

Chris:

Whatever do you mean?

(Whirring)

You don't have vanishing trees

In australia?

Jasmine:

No.

Uh... What about christmas?

(Sighs) fine.

The island's mostly artificial.

(Everyone gasps)

Chris:

Yes, gasp.

And we're having some

Technical difficulties, okay?

It's nothing to worry about!

Gah!

Robotic voice:

Self-destruct sequence

Activated.

Island will explode

In one hour.

All:

Self-destruct?! What?!

Is that for real?!

(Air horn blasts)

Chris:

Zip it! For your next challenge,

One of you has to shut down

The self-destruct,

Which is located in

This underground control room.

There are three ways

To get there,

So you'll split into

Three teams of two.

The team that stops

The countdown wins immunity.

(Gasps)

Uh... Can I see that?

Chris:

Sure.

The fool!

He just handed me

The key to the island!

It's all mine!

(Cackles evilly)

Chris:

So if there's no questions,

Ready, set-

Sky:

Of course we have questions!

Why does an island have

A self-destruct setting?

Shawn:

What do we do

When we find the control room?

Sugar:

Why do puppets have legs?

We all know they can't walk!

Jasmine:

This is just a challenge, right?

Our lives aren't really

In danger, right?!

Chris:

Silly jasmine,

Your lives have always

Been in danger,

Just never so seriously.

But don't worry,

I'll be right here to help you -

From a safe distance

In this helicopter.

Shawn:

Wait! If there's a helicopter,

Why don't we all just escape?

Chris:

Ready, set, go!

(Air horn blasts)

This is crazy!

I'm kinda freaking out.

I wish dave were here

'Cause he always made me feel-

Pull it together!

Being doey-eyed for dave

Almost got you eliminated!

(Sighs)

But then he eliminated himself.

Did he do that to save me?

Focus!

I'm really losing it here.

Robotic voice:

T-minus fifty-five minutes

And counting.

We doing this or what?

All right,

Let's pick teams.

(Sky groans)

Sugar:

Looks like you're on team sugar.

Gir's night! Woo!

(Vigorous grunts)

Jasmine:

We're close!

That entrance should be...

(Flames roar)

Watch out!

Jasmine:

Hah! Right over... Here!

What?! Oh, come on.

I guess we gotta swim.

I guess we gotta.

Shawn's great!

We have everything in common!

Except the zombie thing...

Which could be a deal breaker.

But once he gets over it

He'll be perfect.

Yeah, jasmine rules.

Once she develops a healthy fear

Of the undead,

She'll be perfect!

On three! One... Two...

(Gasps) shark!

Jasmine:

It'll be fine.

Sharks are more afraid of you

Than you are of them.

If it gets close,

Just punch it in the nose

And it'll scram.

Shawn:

Really?

Jasmine:

Yeah, I saw it on tv once.

Let's go!

(Splash)

(Grunting)

(Growling)

Ugh!

(Shark whimpers)

(Growls)

I'm glad peeing in your pants

While underwater

Goes totally unnoticed.

What happens in the pond,

Stays in the pond.

(Sniffs and gags)

(Water rushes)

(Landing thud)

Oof!

Sugar:

We gotta buddy-up

From here on in!

We're the only two normals left.

That's... Shockingly true.

I'm like the girl version

Of you!

Sky:

What?

Sugar:

Oops! I hope that wasn't

As insulting as it sounded.

I've just never met a girl

Who didn't care about her looks.

Sky:

You're insulting me now,

When we have less

Than an hour to live?

Just who do you-

(Loud whirring)

Hey! That must be the way in!

Both: aggghhhhh!

Sugar: or not.

(Whirring)

Sky:

There! C'mon!

(Grunting)

(Rumbling)

Aggghhhhh!

Sky:

Oh, great.

Scarlett:

According to this,

The closest entrance

To the control room

Is under a rock...

Right over... There.

Max:

Well? Which one?

Come now, sidekick,

We don't have all day!

Why don't you ask them?

Max:

Finally a good suggestion!

Perhaps you aren't

Utterly useless after all.

You there, show me to

The control room at once!

I said at once!

Max:

Owie! (Whack) doy!

Gaaagggghhhhh!

Heh. Perhaps you aren't

Utterly useless either.

(Panting)

Chris:

Guys! Glad I caught you!

I have good news!

We're gonna live?!

Chris:

No, I said "good news."

I can download the footage

From all the cameras

To the helicopter,

So, even after the island

Blows up,

I can still cut together

An episode!

Glad you're enjoying the show

While we risk our lives.

Hey, you think

You got it hard?!

The cappuccino maker

On this thing is terrible!

(Slurps) oh, and try to avoid

The motion sensors.

They set off crazy security

All over the island.

(Lasers hums)

(Groans)

Shawn:

No problem.

I got the same system in my yard

For zombie protection.

First, I tried land mines

But, you know, squirrels.

He's a work in progress.

(Lasers hum)

♪♪♪

Okay,

The zombie thing's bad,

But the man's got

Some sweet moves.

(Lasers hum)

Oh, uh... After you.

No. I believe it's...

Your move.

Chris:

Guys! Seriously?!

Clock's ticking!

(Alarm wails)

I gotta be honest,

I didn't even notice the alarms.

Robotic voice:

Intruders detected.

Releasing robotic

Security units.

(Fizzling)

(Gasps in horror)

But the k*ller robots

Got my attention.

Chris:

(Winces) ah...

Well, that was

The shortest season ever.

Good luck, guys.

I'm out!

Shawn:

Is this weird or scary?

Jasmine:

Both. Run!

Aggghhhhhh!

(Gasps)

Jasmine:

My hat!

Phew! That was close.

Shawn:

Uh... Closer than you think.

(Chomping)

Bad head!

(Fizzling and chomping)

Shawn:

Why does this keep happening

To us?

Sugar:

Woo-hoo! That was great!

Sky:

Uh... A little help?

Sky:

Oof!

Chris:

Well, well, well,

Look who finally decided

To join us.

Fyi, being more interested

In each other

Than in saving your lives,

Jas and shawn managed

To set off security.

So now the island's crawling

With k*ller robot animals.

What?!

k*ller robot animals?

Chris:

Yeah, we had real animals,

But the animal right's people

Were all blah-blah-blah-blah,

So we switched

To robot animals.

Some were crazy-violent though,

So we caged 'em down here.

Sugar: that makes sense.

Sky: does it?

Chris:

Point is...

The halls are dangerous.

You'd be way safer sneaking

Through the gear chamber.

(Steam hisses)

Sky:

What could be less safe

Than that?

Chris:

Oh, you're about to find out.

(Chuckles)

(Sweet meow)

Sugar:

Aww! Who's a cute widdle kitty?

Chris:

Yeah, not that.

Trust me.

(Whirs,

Fire roars)

Sky:

I think we better run!

(Fire roars,

Gears whir)

Hey, free eggs!

This place rules!

(Munching)

I gotta say, for all her many,

Many faults,

Sugar's really good

At staying positive.

(Belches loudly,

Bird tweets)

Stay tuned to find out

If anyone is still alive

When they get blown up...

(Laughs)

Here on

"Total drama pahkitew island!"

Max:

Agggghhhhhhhhh! Oof!

Scarlett:

Oof!

Max:

(Groans) oh...

So much hurting.

Scarlett:

Now to find the control room.

Chris:

Max! Scarlett!

Congrats on being

The first to the control room

And subsequently,

Not dying.

We need a pass code

To open the door.

What is it?

I keep it safely locked

Away at all times...

Chris:

In the control room.

(Both groan)

Chris:

Just start hitting

Random numbers.

It couldn't hurt.

Oh! Except for the electric

Shocks that thing dishes out

Every time you get it wrong.

Those'll hurt.

(Phone rings)

Oops! Gotta take this!

It's the network.

If I'm not back

In fifteen minutes,

I hope you had a nice life.

Max:

Step aside, sidekick.

Let's see...

One, two, three.

(Electric shock fizzles,

Max screams)

Nope.

How about three, two, one!

(Electric shock fizzles,

Max yelps)

Ahem! Let's try

One, two, three again.

(Shock fizzles,

Max yelps)

Keep going.

I just know you'll get.

He will; those doors can only

Dish out so many shocks

Before they short out.

He'll open it

Or die trying.

It's a win either way.

(Electric shock fizzles

And max yelps)

(Panel fizzles,

Door clanks open)

Scarlett:

Yes!

(Powering up whir)

Robotic voice:

Welcome, chris mclean.

The island is mine!

Mine!

Max:

Enough nonsense, sidekick.

Step away!

I. Am. Not. Your. Sidekiiiiick!

Scarlett,

You look... Different.

This is the real me.

The scarlett that I've kept

Hidden until now.

Biding my time,

Waiting to strike!

I! Am! Evil!

(Maniacal laughter)

(Sucking thumb)

You should probably

Start running.

(Evil chuckle)

Oh! The loveable bruin

That enjoys diving

And carbohydrates.

(Robotic roar)

Aaggghhhhhhhhhhh!

(Robotic roar)

Chris:

Scarlett.

(Nervous laugh)

You look... Different.

So you've almost won.

All you gotta do

Is shut it down.

Just, you know,

Disarm the self-destruct and uh-

Scarlett:

I need... Incentive.

Your life isn't enough?

There's an escape pod

Connected to this control room.

I can leave any time I want.

So bring me

The million dollars,

Or I simply escape

And let the island explode.

Chris:

Yeah... I think you're bluffing.

Perhaps you need a demonstration

Of the power I now have.

(Beep)

(Missiles whoosh)

Chris:

Whoa! Ahhh! Ouch!

Hey! Have some respect

For nature!

Give me the million,

Or you and this island are gone!

You're forgetting one thing.

The others will be there

Any second.

Scarlett:

(Laughs) no. They. Won't.

Chef?!

We've got an emergency!

The foamy thing

On the coffee machine

Won't work at all now.

(Sips calmly)

Also, scarlett's gone rogue

And is gonna blow up the island.

We gotta warn the others!

(Sips calmly)

As soon as the foamy thing

Is working properly again.

Sky and sugar:

Agghhhh! Ooof!

Jasmine:

Hey! Thank goodness

It's you guys

And not more

Of those crazy robots.

Sugar:

We've seen some crazy stuff too!

It's a long story,

But you gotta hear it-

Robotic voice:

Ten minutes to self-destruct.

Sugar:

I guess that's enough time.

So first there were

These holes-

Scarlett:

Guys! I'm so glad I found you!

I'm in the control room,

But you can't shut down

The self-destruct from here!

Chris was lying.

Jasmine: ugh! That figures.

Sky: typical.

Scarlett:

You can only shut it down here.

Shawn:

That's just down the hall!

Jasmine:

Good job, scarlett!

(Gasps of horror)

Sky:

Well, this is a new level

Of creepy.

Scarlett:

Hope you like it.

It's the last thing

You'll ever see!

(Powering up)

Sugar:

This is worse than the time

My uncle built a robot army

By taping photos of his face

To donkeys wrapped in tin foil.

This is hard to admit,

But I really want to meet

Sugar's family.

Chris-bots:

Total! Total! Drama! Drama!

(Robotic laughing)

Jasmine:

It's like an army of zombies!

Shawn:

Z...z...zzzombieees!

Aggghhhhhhhhh!

Total!

(Loud clank)

Ow!

(Fizzling and clanking)

(Fizzling and clanking)

Shawn:

Head-sh*t! Head-sh*t!

I should be scared,

But something about watching

Chris get demolished

Over and over

Is so therapeutic.

There comes a time

In every girl's life

When she has to stop whining

About her boyfriend's

Zombie obsession

And accept that

She has odd taste in men.

This is that time.

Total... Total... Total...

(Powers down)

(Breathing heavily)

Chris:

Guys! You're not gonna

Believe this!

Hey! What did you do

To my promo-bots?!

Sky:

Uh, promo-bots?

How do you think I did

The promotion tours

For the show?

You think I went

To all those malls myself?

Kind of violent

For promo-bots!

Chris:

They gotta defend themselves!

Do you have any idea

What the average

Total drama fan is like?!

Do you?!

Sugar:

Well, maybe you shoulda been

Down here helpin'

Instead of sippin'

Cuppa-kee-nose.

First off,

I'm onto smoothies now.

(Slurps)

Secondly,

I don't like your tone.

And thirdly -

Thirdly!

Dang,

I had something for this.

It was a big one, too.

Hmm... Uh...

Max:

Aggghhhhhhh!

(Groans)

(Robotic growling)

(Electronic fizzling,

Loud expl*si*n)

(Lovesick sigh)

Chris:

Right! Thirdly,

Scarlett has taken control

Of the island

And is gonna k*ll everyone

If I don't give her

The million.

Side note:

I am not giving her the million.

Jasmine: what?!

Sky: then what're we gonna do?

Scarlett, please don't do-

Scarlett:

Attention vermin,

Either chris brings me

The million,

Or everyone gets eliminated

Permanently!

You have...

Robotic voice:

Four minutes and counting.

That is all.

Sky:

Chris, she won't budge.

Chris:

You're right; chef, move us

To a safe distance.

She's gonna blow.

What?!

You can't just

Let us die!

Um, yeah!

You all signed a release.

One million bucks

Is a lot of cash.

All:

Please don't do this!

How can you fly away?

This is so not right!

An x is not a signature!

Chris:

(Air horn blasts)

Zip it!

Just wanted to do that

One last time.

Later guys!

Max:

A-ha! I have an idea!

Quick!

Someone think of something!

Jasmine:

That's your idea?

Sugar:

Shh! No. He's right!

Sky:

What can we do?

Chris isn't coming!

No chris means...

(Gasps) that's it!

I'll be right back!

Chris:

Right here - now!

Scarlett:

So... You finally came

To your senses.

Chris:

I total... Total did.

Scarlett:

It was just a matter of time

Before I knew you'd decide

To pay up.

Scarlett: wha?

Max: ha! I tricked you!

Now who's more evil?!

(Clattering thump)

(Hisses)

Max: help me!

Sugar: raaaaarrrrr!

(Fighting grunts)

(Grunts and growls)

Shawn:

Uh, nice job, sugar.

Robotic voice:

Self-destruct in ten, nine,

Eight, seven...

Sky:

What do I do?!

Jasmine:

Control alt delete?

Robotic voice:

Four, three, two, one...

(Keypad beeps,

Self-destruct powers down)

Robotic voice:

Self-destruct terminated.

Scarlett: aw!

Sky: wow.

Chris:

Guys, before you all die,

I just want to say that-

Oh! Whoa!

You took down scarlett? Nice.

Way better than dying,

Am I right?

Jasmine:

Yes! No thanks to you!

Max:

We're just lucky these robots

Are cursed with your ugly mug

Or we'd-

(Head fizzles,

Max yelps in pain)

Not the computer!

Robotic voice:

Island sector 'a'

Combustion initiated.

Island sector 'b'

Cryo-activation completed.

Chris:

Great.

(Flames crackle)

I know I normally

Hand these out

To those who are not

Being eliminated.

But today, I feel a special

Ceremony is called for.

You are so eliminated!

You're more eliminated than

Anyone's ever been eliminated!

Even that b*at-box guy!

This whole island's

A freak show!

Max:

Yes, away with her!

It's a shabby sidekick

That tries to usurp her master.

I am the only true evil

On this island

And soon it will be mine!

(Cackles evilly)

Chris:

Yeah, I'm done with evil

For now.

(Chef cracks his knuckles,

Max cackles)

(Gasps)

Inconceivable!

Scarlett:

No! Please! Don't send me away

With him!

Anyone but- (loud boom)

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiim!

Well, we almost tested

The big bang theory.

But at least everything's

Back to normal.

Tune in next week

To see who stays in the g*ng

And who goes bang!

Here on

"Total drama pahkitew island!"

Chris:

The next "total drama"

Has a mountain of a challenge

And the last one to the top

Is going bye-bye.

Sugar is roughage-ing it,

But it's sky who bears

The consequences.

Jasmine risks it all

To save shawn from a fall,

Then shawn drops the ball

When he drops jasmine

For a fall.

Someone is going home,

But who?

Find out on the next

"Total drama pahkitew island!"