02x05 - All the World Is Birthday Cake

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Orville". Aired: September 10, 2017 –; present.*
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Four hundred years in the future, the mid-level spaceship USS Orville explores outer space, while also dealing with the problems of everyday life like Ed discovering the First Officer assigned to his ship is his ex-wife.
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02x05 - All the World Is Birthday Cake

Post by bunniefuu »

And you're sure it'll work?

We've made the schematics
available for peer review

by top industry technicians.

Everything checks out.

You didn't tell them
what it would be used for.

Give me a little credit, Makkal.

Honestly, I don't see
that it matters at this point

whether it's classified or not.

You mean, we're going
to send the message?

The way I see it,
this breakthrough represents

an evolutionary tipping point.

We can either go forward or backward.

Prefect, wouldn't further
discussion be appropriate...

What is there to discuss?

It's a simple do we or don't we.

I say we do.

Okay.

How's tomorrow?

We're right on the cusp,
but we should be safe.

Are you gonna go public?

If we find something.

Alignment complete.

Transmitters at full power.

Now all we need is something to say.

Let's keep it simple.

"Is anyone out there?"

So I know what I read
in the official report,

but I wanted to hear your version.

It says you punched
your last captain in the face?

- I did, sir.
- Knocked him out.

Out cold, yeah.

Okay.

We had just had the crap kicked
out of us by the Krill.

We were losing all power,
including life support.

We sent out a distress call,

and the only ship in range
was a Janisi cruiser.

Janisi. Why does that sound familiar?

They're a fiercely matriarchal
species from the Izar system.

Totally dismissive of any and all males

who appear to be dominant.

We didn't know the ship was Janisi

until the commanding officer
popped up on the screen.

We needed their help, so I acted fast.

Punched him right
into next week, broke his nose.

They helped us repair
our entire power grid.

Well, quick thinking
in a crisis is commendable.

- That's my job.
- You'll...

give me a heads-up
if you're gonna hit me, yeah?

I can't promise that, sir.

Okay. I think we've covered
everything here, yeah?

- Yeah, I think so.
- Welcome aboard, Lieutenant.

- You can take your station.
- Thank you, sir.

Listen, um,

I know you guys were close with
your last chief of security,

and I know my reputation
is a bit rough around the edges,

but I can promise you both
that if anyone comes at you

or tries to take you down,
I'm gonna mess 'em up first.

Well, that's good to know.

- What do you think?
- I like her.

- Yeah, I don't know.
- Hey.

You're the one who begged
the admiral for another Xelayan.

If you need me,
I'm gonna be on the bridge.

Okay, don't get punched.

- Ask him.
- No, I'll ask him later.

- He's right there, just do it.
- It's stupid.

- It is not stupid, just ask him.
- No, it's fine.

You're his commanding officer,
you've ordered him into battle.

I think you can ask him this.

Bortus, I had a fun idea

- I wanted to run by you.
- What?

Well, since my birthday's on Tuesday,

and since our birthdays
are six days apart,

I thought it might be fun
to do, like, a joint party.

Why?

Well, you know, that way, we can

do it up a little bigger than usual,

invite more of the crew.

Is this an order?

No, it's just a thought.

Ah. Then I do not wish
to have a joint party.

-Why not?
- I prefer my birthday to be my day.

He's afraid he's gonna get less stuff.

I am not afraid.

And he's right. Joint birthday?

Less stuff for everybody.
It's a trap, Bortus.

Captain, I'm picking up a transmission

from somewhere
in the Gamma Velorum system.

That's a long way out.

It looks like old-style microwaves.

- From a ship?
- No.

It's a planet.

Confirmed. There are seven planets

in the Gamma Velorum star system.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

It says, "Is anyone out there?"

Bortus, check Union records
for any previous contact

with that star system.

Negative, sir.

Oh, baby! This is it!

This is what we signed up for!

Talk about a birthday gift.

All hands, this is the captain.

Begin prepping all stations
for first contact.

Gordon, set a course for Gamma Velorum,

- and engage quantum drive.
- With pleasure, sir.

What do we know about these people

from the initial communication?

They're awaiting our arrival,

and they've given us
landing coordinates.

Other than that, nothing.
That's the fun part.

We decided against
the joint birthday, correct?

Okay, here we go.

You know, we could, uh,
make up fake names.

- They wouldn't know.
- Why would we do that?

I don't know,
I've always hated my name.

I just figured this is
one of those times

where you could pick your own name.

That's true, you could.

You know, like, I could be Chad,
you could be Maxine.

- Should we do it?
- Yeah, let's do it.

- Mix it up?
- Right? Why not?

- Let's do it.
- Nah, I feel like they'd know.

First Prefect, I'm Captain
Ed Mercer of the USS Orville.

This is my first officer and crew.

On behalf of the people of
our world, welcome to Regor 2.

On behalf of the Planetary
Union, welcome to the galaxy.

When a planet reaches out
into space as you have,

whether by ship
or by transmitted message,

that's when we permit ourselves
to make our presence known.

You asked if there was
anyone out there.

It's Union policy to answer.

How many different kinds
of people are there?

More than you can possibly imagine.

Not all of them friendly,

which is another reason
it's very important to us

to make first contact.

We want to know everything there
is to know about your world.

We want to show you.

And this is how we sent the message.

It's the largest astronomical
array anywhere on the planet.

25 independent satellites,

and the entire array acts

as a single antenna
with a variable diameter.

Very nice.

We thought it would take
decades, maybe even centuries,

before anyone answered the message.

But here you are,
only a few years later.

Well, we're happy to prove you wrong.

And this is our obstetrics ward.

It's amazing to see, isn't it?

I guess. It's kind of remedial,
though, yeah?

- Completely.
- I mean, you have stuff in sickbay

that would probably look
like magic to these guys.

Yeah, but, see,

this is like getting a real-life
look at your own past.

We're seeing a young society on
the verge of huge advancement.

A science that's about
to happen. It's magnetic.

Yeah, well, if I got
to have my appendix out,

make sure you take me back to the ship.

- You don't have an appendix.
- Thank God.

And we've recently developed

a cost-effective means
of magnetic resonance imaging

for regular monitoring of fetal growth.

We're the first medical facility
in the world

- to do it on this scale.
- You seem to have

an unusually large number
of premature births.

Yes, well, there are still some
things that we can't prevent.

But the technology improves every year.

- What technology?
- Dr. Feylar,

we have an obstetric emergency in OR 3.

Follow me.

- Ten blade, please.
- Yes, Doctor.

- There it is...
- Fundal pressure.

- What's going on?
- It's a C-section.

Stand by.

-Is the transport incubator ready?
-Yes, Doctor.

Umbilical blood flow is positive.

Pulsations regular.

There we are.

Tie off the umbilical.
Prepare to close the incision.

Take her to the neonatal ICU.

What is it, Doctor?

Well, there are many reasons
to perform a C-section...

a rupture in the placenta,

prolapsed umbilical cord...

but I'm not seeing anything
like that in the scan.

The baby seems perfectly healthy,

except for the fact
that it's premature.

Maybe their biology is different.

Something we can't detect.

Dr. Feylar,

may I ask the reason for the C-section?

You're a doctor. You must know
it's to prevent the infant

from being born Giliac.

What's Giliac?

Oh, you probably have a different
name where you come from.

Uh, Giliacs are prone to v*olence,

extreme destructive behavior.

We try to prevent them at all costs,

which usually means
an emergency C-section.

Would you like to see
the research labs?

- Very much.
- This way.

A friend is a second self.

And until today,

the only friends we knew
were our fellow Regorians.

But our world has grown
immeasurably overnight.

For the first time
in the history of our species,

we can count among our friends,
not just our countrymen,

but the people who live
among the stars.

We welcome you.

In the vast emptiness of the universe,

we have found a fullness
of cultural diversity.

And when a first contact
unfolds like this,

the cosmos becomes
a living, breathing organism.

So that within that emptiness,

we become a way for the universe
to know itself.

We are honored to know Regor 2.

- Wow, that was pretty good.
- Yeah, thanks,

I plagiarized it from, like,
nine different things.

Can you tell us more about your,
um, economic structure?

I'm fascinated that there's
no form of currency exchange.

Our currency is reputation.

An individual's wealth is determined

by their personal achievements,
not their monetary value.

We decided a long time ago
that forcing people

to toil relentlessly in
the pursuit of material wealth

was an unnatural state

for our species to exist in.

So, it really is a utopia.

No societal burdens.

I mean, we still have, like,
in-laws and things like that,

but we've come a long way.

We believe that everyone deserves

a fair chance at happiness.

We all do better when we all do better.

Lieutenant Keyali.

I understand that

your species boasts some...
impressive abilities.

Could I request a demonstration,
or would that be rude?

You want me to balance a ball
on my nose, is that it?

Uh, okay. Um...

Is this something
you're super attached to?

Uh, no, not at all.

Oh, my...

goodness.

You know, I got to tell you,
it's my birthday next week,

and a first contact like this

is the best gift I could've
possibly asked for.

What?

My birthday. It's next week.

Bortus's, too.

We are having separate celebrations.

- Prefect.
- Take them!

- What the hell?
- What is this?

- On your feet. Let's go.
- What the hell is going on?

- Get them out of here now!
- Prefect, what the hell are you doing?

- Move!
- Check the other three.

- Move it.
- Send them to processing!

-Move! -Prefect, what
is the meaning of this?

You claim to be an advanced
people, and yet you bring them

into our midst?
At a state dinner, no less!

What have they done?!

If we have offended you in
some way, you need to tell us.

Watch the one with the ears.

If she tries anything,
sh**t the others.

Are all first contacts like this?

Claire, what do you make of it?

Captain, I've noticed
something off about this planet

ever since we arrived.

That C-section that we witnessed,

it was completely unnecessary
and highly dangerous

for both the infant and the mother.

- Open cell.
- Yes, sir.

What have you done
with Kelly and Bortus?

Open your mouth.

- Talla.
- Put him down.

Today's your lucky day.

It's a small extraction.
It won't be painful.

Next.

They've been processed.
Birthdates verified.

One Panaji, one Corobahn, one Valeigh.

No other Giliacs.

I want to know what the hell is
happening here, and I want to know now.

What have you done
with Kelly and Bortus?

You've got a lot of nerve.

Coming in here, making demands
after what you've done.

What have we done? Aside from
offering you our friendship?

Friendship?

You brought two Giliacs
into the State Hall

where they could have done who knows

what kind of damage.
They could have k*lled someone.

Giliac. It's an astrological sign.

- What?
- Captain,

this planet is governed by astrology.

What's astrology?

It's an ancient belief system that...

That's the reason for all
the premature C-sections.

You arrested Kelly and Bortus

because of their astrological signs?

The stars don't lie, Captain.

Giliacs are violent, unpredictable.

Surely you know that as well as
we do, as advanced as you are.

Where have you taken them?

They'll be taken to the camps,
same as all Giliacs.

And what about us?

Well, the extractions
have confirmed your birthdates,

so you can go back to your ship.
We don't want you here.

Open the gate!

Let's go, let's go.

Commander, what is this?

A bad birthday.

Move.

Well.

They told me to be prepared.

Look at you.

People from another world.

Why have you brought us here?

But still Giliac trash,
no matter where you're from.

And you'll learn to obey
the rules of this camp.

Look, there's obviously been
some kind of mistake.

If you could just tell us
what the hell a Giliac is,

maybe we can figure out
where the screwup happened.

No mistake. The order comes straight

from the office of the First Prefect.

And how long do you intend
to keep us here?

This is now your home.

I suggest you learn to like it.

We are not your prisoners!

I am an understanding man,

but you won't want
to try anything like that again,

unless you're tired of living.

Take them to the barracks.

Captain, I understand your frustration,

but extraction by force in
the midst of a first contact...

no matter what the circumstances...

There's just no way in hell

the admiralty is gonna give
clearance for that.

Admiral, these people are nuts.

Okay, Bortus and Kelly are locked away

in some internment camp

just because
they got the wrong birthday.

The Regorians have even
developed the technology

to calculate precise age
using tooth samples.

- Claire, tell him what you saw.
- Sir,

these people are performing
dangerous C-sections

just to ensure the babies are born

under a positive astrological sign.

They are literally
pulling infants from the womb

weeks, even months early.

It's more complex than what
we see as right and wrong.

We're on their turf, with their laws.

Think about the trial on Moclus.

What if you'd gone in and taken

Commander Bortus's infant by force?

Well, some people say we should have.

Look, I want those two officers
back safely as much as you do,

but to go in g*ns blazing

24 hours after meeting these people...

We're not the Krill.

You're gonna have
to find another way to do this.

Perry out.

Well, now what the hell do we do?

I am unclear concerning
the astrological practice.

What is the methodology?

It's the idea that personality
traits, behavioral tendencies,

even future events can be determined

by studying the movements
of celestial bodies.

That would seem scientifically unsound.

However, it would explain
the satellites in orbit.

- What do you mean?
- They appear to be configured

solely for astrometry... to
measure the positions of stars,

but not their spectral type
or physical properties.

And yet they're advanced enough
to send a message into space.

I don't get it.

I want to talk to the Prefect.

Looks like we're gonna
wind up having that

joint birthday after all.

I would gladly share a birthday
celebration back on the ship.

Wow. It only took getting arrested

for you to change your mind.

Well... at least people
aren't staring as much.

Commander,

do you think the Orville will be
allowed to extract us?

On a first contact? No way.

If Ed can't negotiate his way
out of this, we're screwed.

On Moclus, there are those
who believe in Da'klaya,

that one's fate is determined
by the alignment of the stars

on the day of his birth.

I've been thinking the same thing.

This whole thing went to hell

when I told them it was my birthday.

Some Da'klaya moons are
more desirable than others.

This planet appears
to share such beliefs.

"Born under a bad sign"
as official state policy.

Please don't. Please.

We're saving it in case
they cut the food rations again.

- Give it to me now.
- Can't you see she's pregnant?

- We need the extra food!
- I'm not talking to you.

Please, please, I'm begging you,
we need the extra...

- Shut up!
- Hey!

Is there a problem here?

You want to make one?

Give her back the food.

Get lost, girlie.

Give it back.

Go away.

You okay?

Yeah, thanks.

Thank you so much.

He is a coward. He will not return.

I'm Ukania. This is my husband Rokal.

I'm Kelly, and this is Bortus.

You're the Giliacs from the stars.

Yeah. Listen, is there
anything you can tell us

that might help us figure out
a way out of here?

There is no way out.

- Escape is always possible.
- No one's ever tried.

Wait, you're telling us
no one's ever tried

- to get out of this place?
- Why would they?

Because it's a prison.

But we belong here.

- What?
- We were all born

under the sign of Giliac.

Our tendencies are inherently violent.

Criminal.

We're here for the good of society.

To protect them from us.

You do not appear to be violent.

Murderous instincts reside
within every Giliac.

Either deeply buried or on the surface.

The stars don't lie.

On this day,
we enter the sign of the Giliac.

As always, every effort
has been made to ensure

that no births occur
during this dark time.

But of course, we have yet

to devise a perfect system
of prevention.

Any infants born
during the next 30 days

are to be immediately turned
over to the state

for transport to the camps.

You may do so at the nearest
service center.

Failure to comply will result
in severe prosecution.

May our great nation prevail.

- Good night.
- And we're out.

Prefect, Captain Mercer has returned.

He requests an audience.

Send him in.

I thought I told you to leave.

Look, Prefect, just hear me out.

All right?
Now, first contacts can be...

complex.

And in this case,
that would be an understatement.

But I'm sure we can come to some kind

of agreement
for the release of our people.

Out of the question.

They've done nothing wrong.

- They're Giliacs!
- So what?

Why are you defending them?

You live among the stars.

You should understand their
significance better than anyone.

We actually have this crazy
system where we judge people

by their actions, not their birthdates.

It's kinda wacky, I know.

Look... you are an advanced society.

Now, just stop and think about this:

How can the relative position
of a ball of gas and dust

thousands of light-years away
influence someone's personality?

I mean, do you honestly
believe it yourself?

We see living proof every single day.

Yes, I do believe it.

And even if I didn't,
if I released a Giliac,

there would be a national uproar.

People would tear down these walls!

Your world is no longer
just this planet.

When you sent that message,
you invited yourselves

into a galaxy packed with
thousands of different cultures.

You might want to start being
a little more open-minded.

So you all just think
the universe is chaos?

No order? No significance to anything?

I wouldn't want to be part of
a community that believes that.

We look for patterns
in the natural world around us.

It's in our blood.

We're desperate to find meaning.

But sometimes a star is just a star.

We shouldn't have reached out.

It was a mistake.

- Sir, if we could just...
- Enough!

Go home, Captain.

Forget about your people.

And please...

forget about Regor 2.

Sir, if we could just have
a little more time.

Ed, you've been out there a month.

I understand what
you must be going through,

but there's a lot of internal
pressure to get the Orville

back on active duty.

You can't wait in orbit forever.

And... not to be unfeeling,

but we don't even know
whether they're still alive.

Look, just one more week. Please.

We're gonna send a diplomatic envoy

to continue trying to secure
the release of those officers.

We won't give up.

But it's time for the Orville to go.

I'm sorry, Ed.

You're to leave orbit within 24 hours.

Perry out.

-You can't just leave her down there.
-It's not up to me.

Our weapons are hundreds of years

more advanced than theirs.
Why can't we just...

That's exactly why we can't.

We're gonna have to find another way.

Okay, is there anything
we've missed? Anything at all?

Captain, we've been through
every piece of info we can find

about their astrological system.

We've hacked into their libraries,

their news media, everything,
multiple times.

We are looking for the equivalent

of a legal loophole
that just isn't there.

Everything we dig up
says the same thing:

Giliacs are born criminals.

They're violent, murderous.

But why? I mean, is there
some kind of inciting incident?

We have found no explanation.

We have 24 hours. Keep digging.

On this day, we enter
the sign of the Wasanda.

To the children born this month,
we honor you.

We herald your entry into this world,

for you are the guiding forces,

the future leaders
of this great planet.

Your paths will be bathed in glory,

and you will be richly rewarded
for your contributions.

Welcome.

It's okay, Ukania. It's okay, breathe.

- I already did.
- Breathe. Breathe.

It's okay, Ukania, it's okay.

What is happening?

The baby's coming.

She's been in labor
for the past two hours.

Bortus, go to the infirmary
and get the doctor.

No!

But we need the proper equipment for...

No. Please, no doctor.

Can you help us?

I don't know anything about this.

Bortus, you have a kid.
Any suggestions?

Will there be an egg?

Okay, that's a no.

Okay, uh, um...

Ukania, look at me, okay?

Look at me. All right?

On three, we're gonna push.

One,

- two, three.
- P-Push.

Push!

Yes!

Yeah, that's great, that's great.

You're doing great. Bortus,
get me cloths, towels, anything.

- Aye, Commander.
- And a shoelace, or something

to tie off the umbilical cord.

All right, you're doing great.

Okay?

- Just look at me. One, two...
- No.

Yes. One, two,

three, push!

Yes!

That's great. That's great.
That's the best one yet.

All right.
We need to do it again, okay?

- We need to do it again. Yes.
- No.

- Yes. One, two...
- Okay, okay.

...three, push!

Yes...!

That's great!

Oh, my God, I see the head. Bortus!

- Here, Commander.
- Push. Push.

I need you to give me
one big last hard push, okay?

- Okay.
- That's all we need, all right?

We can do this. One, two,

three, push!

Ah...!

Oh, my God.

Ukania, Rokal...

...meet your daughter.

Thank you. Thank you.

It is much easier with an egg.

12 hours.

Anything new?

Captain.

- I have an idea.
- What is it?

Isaac, put the constellation
Giliac on the viewer.

Can we focus a
multispectral scanning beam

on that entire region of space?

That's a massive scan.
It'd be a hell of a power drain

unless we knew what we were
looking for... it'd take weeks.

What are you looking for?

Black holes.

Well, that narrows the spectral field.

Isaac, have a look.

I'll be damned.

Can you tell me exactly
when the star collapsed?

3,122 years ago.

According to Regor 2's history,
that's right around the time

their astrological system emerged.

The disappearance
of a star in the night sky

to a civilization that young
would've been a terrifying omen.

Exactly.

And Giliac was the unlucky sign.

Talla, I'm gonna buy you
a bottle of Scotch.

All right, now the question is,
what can we do with this?

If the star came back, that
might exonerate the Giliacs.

Well, how the hell are we
supposed to create a star?

Maybe we don't have to.

We tried so hard
to make the timing work.

She should have been born a Giliac.

Ukania...

how long do you expect
to keep her hidden?

Forever.

What will happen if she is found?

She'll be taken away.

She's a Wasanda.

Born to lead,
not rot away in the camps.

We should let them take her.

What?

She could grow up in prosperity,
have every opportunity,

- every need provided for...
- No, she needs her mother.

We'll never be able
to keep her a secret.

We're not giving her up.

Move back.

- What you looking at?
- Clear.

Inspection!

Everyone on your feet.

Check 'em all.

You know...

you have my pity.

Your wife has mine.

It's not your fault
you're Giliac trash.

But self-truth is always cleansing.

- Say it.
- Say what?

"I'm Giliac trash."

Say it.

I'm Giliac trash.

There, doesn't that feel better?

No contraband, sir.

Wait.

Check under the floorboards.

- No.
- You'll find a Wasanda child.

No. No. No, Rokal.

No, no. Please don't take her!

- Don't do it.
- No! No! Please don't take her!

No! No, please!

No! No!

No!

No!

No, please let her stay. No.

A future leader.

Her life will be blessed.

No, no.

No! Please!

Please, no.

This ends here and now.

What do you intend to do?

We're Giliacs.

Born criminals. Violent reprobates.

And the way I see it, we're
within first contact protocol

if we're exactly
who they want us to be.

It's a solar sail.

We can launch it from a shuttle
and position it

so that the reflective light
from the star

will be visible
from the surface of Regor 2.

So, to the Regorians, it'll look like

the missing Giliac star has reappeared?

Exactly.

What about their detection systems?

Thought of that.
We build in a jamming device

to fool their telemetry.

Their scans would confirm that
what they're seeing is a star.

We'd use microthrusters
to hold the sail's position.

Should be able
to keep it stable indefinitely.

How soon can it be deployed?

Less than 12 hours.

Do it.

We have to get the main gate open.

Move in!

You really do have my pity.

Shuttle to bridge.

I think we're set here.

Tell 'em they're good to go.

Shuttle, you are cleared for departure.

Hope this works.

It'll work.

I think it'll work.

The stars don't lie.

They teach us

that the Giliacs are lawless.

Savage.

And beyond reform.

No matter what world they're from.

Ready for deployment.

All you, man.

Shuttle to Orville.

Hoisting the sail.

Releasing clamps.

Activating thrusters.

Arms at the ready!

Listen to me, all of you.

You're worth more than they tell you.

Remember that.

And...

Look!

Understood. I'll pass it on.

The Celestial Advisory
has confirmed, Prefect.

It's a star.

Call an emergency session.

What does it mean?

Change.

You really should be doing this
in the mess hall.

If the Krill att*cked right now,
we'd be screwed.

No, no, no, no, it's got to be here.

John and I made something
special for you guys.

What?

Mm. It is amusing.

I am not amused.

Guys, it's perfect. Thank you.

You really captured her essence.

Deep down, she truly is a cartoon.

- Oh, shush.
- It's why I love you.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Happy birthday.

Only four weeks late. Not too bad.

Yeah.

- Any updates?
- Yes.

According to the diplomats,

the last of the camps was opened today.

Oh, and I forgot to tell you:

I got another communiqué from Ukania.

She said that her baby's doing great.

And she named her Kelly.

Well, you know, with all
the trouble we had down there,

if you made that kind of
an impact on a woman's life,

I would say that's a pretty
successful first contact.

Captain, I have a

what might be an
uncomfortable question.

What's gonna happen when the Regorians

figure out the star is fake?

That's actually a really good question.

We just lied to an entire planet,

and I don't know what
the ethics of that mean.

But that lie meant freedom

for an entire portion
of the population, so...

The short answer is: I don't know.

By the time their technology advances

to the point where they know
the jig is up,

they may not even care anymore.

You did good, Talla, really good.

You had big shoes to fill,
and I'm not kidding.

And as far as I'm concerned,
you filled them and then some.

So, from here on out, you are
officially allowed to punch me.

Thank you, sir.

Well, it's my party,
and I feel like dancing.
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