01x14 - Jag-Jitsu

[bunniefuu]

-Oh, it's a snake.
-Spaghetti and meatballs.

-A kitten.
-The inside of a clock.

-Did you hear me say kitten?

-Uh, Vin Diesel.

-Stop what you're doing!

Your afternoon just got
a whole lot better.

Nice lawn mower.
-Thank you.

-What's with the outfit?

-I'm starting
my own self-defense school

based off my experience
as a crossing guard.

I call it Jag-Jitsu.

Jag-hiya!

That--that lamp was a thr*at.

You're welcome.

-Well, thanks for stopping by.
-Not so fast!

I'm gonna give you kids
the opportunity

to be my first students,
where you--

-Let me stop you there.
We're gonna pass.

Bye-bye.

-You're gonna come
crawling back.

Jag-Jitsu out!

[door closes]

-So should we clean up
the broken lamp or--

-Nah, leave it.

We'll just have to remember
to wear shoes from now on.

-Dad?

-Why didn't you
just use the door?

-I didn't want Jaget
to see me.

He isn't here, is he?
-Oh, no.

He broke the lamp and left.

-Is he trying to get you to
sign up for Jag-Jitsu, too?

-No, but that's why I wanted
to speak to you kids privately.

No one's signing up
for his class,

and I'm worried he's going
to be crushed.

That's why I want you three
to enroll.

-Sounds great.
We're gonna pass.

-We'll see about that.

[cell phones chiming]

-Hey, uh, we just got
a KidDING from you

hiring us to join Jag-Jitsu.

-That's right.
I know how to use a smartphone.

-Your flashlight is on.

-Gosh dang it.

Class starts this afternoon
in the school gym.

You only get the KidDING money

if Jaget passes you
from his class.

-[sighs] Fine.
We'll give it a sh*t.

-If you don't pass,
I'll get you jobs at school

to pay off my boat
that you exploded.

-[groans]

-We need help
cleaning up vomit

from the students
in health class.

You know, we really should
stop showing

those "Surgery Gone Wrong"
videos.

-♪ Bread, turkey, cheese,
mayo, and mustard ♪

♪ That's how Alan
makes a sandwich ♪

Hey, Tedward!

What a pleasant surprise.

I was just singing
my sandwich song.

-Hey, Alan.

Nice chess set.

-Is that what this is?

I thought my wife bought

a bunch
of salt and pepper shakers.

-[laughs]
You're funny.

Let me know
if you ever want to play.

-I would love to...

because I'm
a chess player, too.

We can chess it up
whenever you want.

-All right, then,
let's do it tomorrow.

I'll see you then.

-[screaming]

It's happening!

Fisher!
It's an emergency!

-Dad, in my defense,

I didn't realize I hacked
into the French treasury.

-What are you talking about?

-What are you talking about?

-Tedward invited me
to play chess,

but I don't know how.

-I can teach you to play,
no problem.

Let's go up to my room.

-One second.

[screams]

I had one more to get out.

[upbeat music]

-Maybe this won't be
as bad as we think.

I'm excited to learn Jag-Jitsu
so I can defend myself

when Jaget does Jag-Jitsu
on me.

-You know, I wouldn't mind
learning how to fight.

I have eight siblings
and one bathroom.

You do the math.

-Yeah, you're right.
Maybe this will be fun.

-It's Jag-Jitsu time!

-Maybe not.

-Well, well, well,

look who signed up
for my class.

I knew you would
come crawling back.

-I wouldn't say
we've crawled back.

-If you want to be
in this class,

you're gonna have to.

Now crawl to your sensei.

Guess what.

I'm your sensei.

-Do we really have to--
-Do it!

-♪ I got, you got me ♪

♪ We got this ♪

♪ I like the odds
when we're side by side ♪

♪ I like the sound of that ♪

♪ Oh, we're taking off,
gonna do this right ♪

♪ I like the sound of that ♪

♪ And when things go up
in flames, we're on it ♪

♪ 'Cause I got you, got me,
we got this ♪

-And then after yellow belt,
you get argyle belt,

and then you get plaid belt--

-Jaget.

You have been talking
about belts

for half an hour.

-And before that,
you talked about shoes.

-Not shoes!
Jag-Jit-shoes!

-Okay, when are we gonna learn
some real moves?

-Are you the sensei?
-No.

-Then don't sen-say anything.

On your feet.

Time for you to learn
the ancient art of Jag-Jitsu.

-You just came up with this
two weeks ago.

-I said "ancient."

Lucky for you,
we're gonna listen

to the Jag-Jitsu song
I recorded.

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Since the dawn of man ♪

♪ There's an ancient plan ♪

♪ You must learn Jag-Jitsu ♪

♪ If you want to guess
how to be the best ♪

♪ I tell you
what you must do ♪

♪ Jag-Jitsu's the greatest,
greatest ♪

♪ The greatest of all time ♪

♪ Jag-Jitsu's the greatest,
greatest ♪

♪ And guess what--
I'm something, I am... ♪

♪ I'm Jaget ♪

Move number one--

"Stop, pedestrian."

all:
Stop, pedestrian.

♪ ♪

-♪ I'm Jaget ♪

Move number two--

"Move along, citizen."

all:
Move along, citizen.

-Is that clockwise
or counterclockwise?

-It's Jaget-wise,

because I'm Jaget and I'm wise.

♪ I'm Jaget ♪

Move number three--
"Look both ways."

Right, left. Right, left.

Up.
-Up?

-Do you want a helicopter
to land on your head?

Look up!

♪ ♪

-Well, this was
a waste of time.

[car horn blares]

-Oh, no, she's here.

-What's up, losers?

-Well, well, well,
it's Crash the bus driver.

-Hey, Jaget,
I got a question for you.

Why did the chicken
cross the road?

Because even chickens

don't listen
to crossing guards!

Boom!

-What is going on?

-Her name is Crash.

She's the reason I started
Jag-Jitsu in the first place.

She started her own dojo
with kids from her bus route--

bad kids,

kids with no respect
for pedestrian safety.

She and her students
have been terrorizing

my crosswalk ever since.

-b*at it!

It's time for me to teach
my students Bus-Kwon-Do.

Now get back to your crosswalk.

[mockingly] Oh, and remember
to look both ways.

-Don't tell me how to look!
I'll look wherever I want.

Or maybe I won't look at all.

And now I'm gonna look,
but not because you told me to.

-I guess class is over?

-Okay, we've been practicing
for a few hours,

so let's try playing a game.

I'll go first.

-I'm all-in.

-There's no way you'll be
ready to play Tedward tomorrow.

-But this is my chance
to trick my best friend

into spending time with me!

-Speaking of trick,

there might be a way
to trick Tedward

into thinking
that you know how to play.

-Please say "holograms."
Please say "holograms."

-Close.
Robots.

-Ooh.
I'm listening.

-I'm working on a robot arm

that can mimic
what my arm does.

I can try to modify it
so I can control your arm.

That way, we can make it look

like you know
how to play chess.

-That sounds like cheating.

Let's do it.

-How long did Jaget say
we have to hold these signs?

-He said we could stop

when the sun dips
below the horizon.

-Come on, guys,
we need to do this.

If Jaget doesn't pass us,
then Tedward won't pay us,

and if Tedward doesn't pay us,

we can't pay him back
for the boat we blew up,

and if we don't pay him,
he'll make us clean up vomit,

and I can't hold up
this sign any longer!

-Good news, my students.

-Oh, we've earned
our argyle belts?

-You're years away
from argyle.

I've arranged for you
to fight Bus-Kwon-Do

in a competition.

-We're gonna be
in an actual fight?

All we've done so far
is hold signs

and make traffic signals.

-Yes, you'll fight,
and you'll win.

And Crash will finally
respect my stop sign.

-Are these Bus-Kwon-Do kids
any good?

all: Round and round
and round and round

and round and round
and round and round

and round and round and stop!

-Time's up, Jaget.

all:
Go! Stop!

Go, go, stop!

Go! Stop!

Go, go!

Hwah!

Ah!

-These are the kids
we're competing against?

-Yeah, but you can take them.

-What makes you think that?

-Part of Jag-Jitsu
is irrational confidence.

-Uh, yeah, I'm not doing this.

-Of course you're doing it.
Tell her, Munchy.

-I'm with Presley on this one.
[loud thud]

That kid just punched
through a brick wall!

-You're gonna fight
these bus kids

and crush my nemesis.

-Oh, no, we're not.

-Yeah, we don't want
these bus kids to b*at us up.

-They're not gonna
b*at you up.

You know Jag-Jitsu.
-Jag-Jitsu is useless.

-Yeah, we can't go through
with this.

-We quit.
-Sorry, bro.

-I taught you
how to break a board,

not break my heart.

-You actually never taught us
how to break a board.

-I was getting to it!

-I don't know about you guys,

but even though we're not
gonna get paid

and we're probably
gonna have to clean up vomit,

I am really happy
we quit Jag-Jitsu.

-Yes, now we can focus
on more productive things

like not getting punched.

-Jaget!
[door closes]

Hey...

-I have nothing
to say to you.

-Did you prerecord what you
were going to say to us

so you didn't actually
have to talk to us?

-I'm just here
to collect your stop signs.

-They're right there.

-I said give them to me!

-Uh, we--

-Stop crying.

You're embarrassing
yourselves.

-I think you misinterpreted

how this conversation
was gonna go.

-Thank you.
These are new shoes.

Hold on, I have other options.

Potential superhero name--
The Jaguar.

Dang it!

-What's this I hear
about you kids quitting?

We had a deal.

No, no, I paid you
to take Jaget's class.

Jaget!
[chuckles]

Wait a second.
This isn't our house.

-Daddy, you broke my heart.

You all did.

Jag-Jitsu out!

-You know, maybe next time,
you could say,

"Hey, Jaget's here."

-Jaget looked pretty upset.

I'm starting to feel bad
for quitting.

-But he wanted us
to fight Crash

and the Bus-Kwon-Dos,

which sounds like a band,
but it's not.

-Yeah, they're real fighters.

I don't want to hand-strucked
or foot-kicked.

-Didn't you learn Jag-Jitsu?

-Jag-Jitsu isn't real.

Jaget just taught us
stupid stuff

like, "Stop, pedestrian."

-Yeah, so I'm gonna
fight somebody

by putting my hand out

and yelling,
"Stop, pedestrian"!

-[gasps]

You just Jag-Jitsu'd
this post!

-Wow, you really
did some damage to that.

-Move along, citizen!

Oh, my gosh.
That was all instinct.

Tedward, are you okay?

-More impressed than in pain.

Actually, now I'm starting
to feel the pain.

Wait.
I have an idea.

Munchy, left!

[intense electronic music]

Right!

Helicopter!

♪ ♪

-Whoa.

I know Jag-Jitsu.

-I think Jaget
actually taught us something.

-Good.

Now go un-quit
and make this right.

-I think we should.

I mean, we did
break Jaget's heart.

-Guys, am I crazy,

or do we want to fight
these Bus-Kwon-Do kids?

-I'm in.
-If Munchy's in, I'm in.

-If Lex is in, I'm in.

-If Presley's in, I'm in.

-You already said you were in.
-I know, I wanted to go last.

-And powering up
the robot arm.

[mechanical hum]

Our right arms and hands
are synced,

so what I do, you do, too.

[arms whirring]

-Wow! So cool!

-Look,
you're slapping yourself.

-I am, and I love it!

-Okay, now I can watch
your chess game with Tedward

and make the moves for you.

[knock at door]
-He's here.

-I'll be watching
from my room.

Just relax,
and I'll do all the work.

[arm whirring]

-Come on in, Tedward.

-What's with your arm?

-Oh, I sprained it
working out too hard.

I bench-pressed pounds,
so I was asking for it.

Have a seat.

-Should we get started?

-Of course.

-Oh, no.
My calibration is off.

-Got it!

-Okay, just have
to set it down gently.

-Do you need some help?

-No, no, no, let me just
pick that up.

Feels like I'm getting close.

-Because Team Jag-Jitsu
is a no-show,

I will hereby declare
Team Bus-Kwon-Do victorious

after a dramatic countdown
from three.

Three...

two...

-We're here!

-Where's your sensei?
In his crosswalk?

-Where's your brain?
In your toes?

-What?
-I was trying to sound tough,

but it isn't working.

Anyways, where is Jaget?
-I don't know.

All I see are those
Bus-Kwon-Do kids

and our school mascot,
Luna the Tuna.

I guess he didn't show up
because we hurt his feelings.

-Jaget quit?

Maybe you should
change your name

to Jag-Quit-Su.
-[gasps]

She's trash-talking us.

And she's really good at it.
What do we do?

-Ooh, oh, okay,
I've got a good line.

We're not going anywhere,
so get ready,

'cause we're gonna crosswalk
all over you.

-Whoa!
-Dang, girl! Okay!

-That's how you do it.

-Alan, you are giving me
a run for my money.

-What can I say?

Chess just flows through me.
[chuckles]

[arm whirring]

-Okay, I finally
got this thing dialed in.

Bet you didn't see
that one coming.

-I did not see
that one coming.

I think you're about to win.

-We're totally about to win.

And now to celebrate
with some sparkling water.

[electronic buzzing]

Oh, no! My arm's shorting out!

It's out of control!

-What's going on?
-Just studying the board.

-I think I know
what's going on here.

-I can explain!

-You were about to win,
and you messed up the game

so you wouldn't hurt
my feelings.

-What?
I mean, yes.

I mean, what?

-I'm clearly not good enough
to keep up with you.

-No!
I want to hang out more!

I'm not really good!

I cheated.

-I appreciate you
trying not to hurt my feelings.

You're a good guy, Alan.
Thanks for the game.

[door closes]

-Fisher?

Big news.

Tedward thinks I'm a good guy!

-Hey, Dad, uh, sorry
my mechanical arm shorted out.

-That's okay.

-You know, I really enjoyed
cheating with you.

-Me too, Dad.

-Let's get this match started.

Best of three matches wins.

Here we go!

[cheers and applause]

-If Jaget can't be here,
at least his music can.

Hit it, Luna the Tuna!

[upbeat music playing]

-Begin!

-♪ Since the dawn of man... ♪

-Oh, no, no, no, no!
[yells]

-Presley!
Use "stop, pedestrian"!

-Stop, pedestrian!

♪ ♪

-Point, Jag-Jitsu!

[cheers and applause]

-♪ Jag-Jitsu's
the greatest... ♪

-We can't let Jaget's
crosswalk kids win.

Finish her!

-Begin!

-Ha! Hiyah!

♪ ♪

[audience gasps]

[scattered applause]

-Yeah, I know I lost,
but that was kind of fun.

-Point, Bus-Kwon-Do.

♪ ♪

The score is tied one to one.

The winner of this next match
wins it all!

[cheers and applause]

-[yells]

-Excuse me a moment.

I can't do this!
That guy is huge!

-Munchy, you can do this.

-I just don't have the
irrational confidence I need.

I wish Jaget was here.
-I've always been here.

-[gasps]
Jaget?

-You were in the Luna the Tuna
costume this whole time?

-Yep.
All part of my plan.

-What plan?
We quit.

-And I knew you would regret
it and end up fighting.

After all, Jag-Jitsu
is a guilt-based system.

-It's time to fight.

-Get in there, Munchy.

He may be taller,
stronger, faster,

more violent, better trained--

-Where are you going
with this?

-You have two things
he doesn't.

Jag-Jitsu and a brother
who cares about you.

-I actually have a brother.
We're super tight.

-Don't let him talk to you
like that!

Go get him!

-You got this!
-Go, Munchy!

-Begin!

-Look both ways!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

-That man is
in your crosswalk!

Get him out!

[soft uplifting music]

♪ ♪

-Move along, citizen!

♪ ♪

-And the winner

of this transportation-themed
martial-arts competition is...

Jag-Jitsu!

[all cheering]

-Good job, Munchy!
We did it.

-No, we did it.

-That's what I was just--

Uh, you're right, Jaget.
We did it.

-I can't believe it.

We got b*at by a bunch
of losers and a tuna.

-This group of losers
made this tuna proud today.

That's why you have
successfully passed my class.

-Yes!
-Yes!

Let's celebrate,
Jag-Jitsu-style.

Hit the music.

-♪ Since the dawn of man,
there's an ancient plan ♪

♪ You must learn Jag-Jitsu ♪

♪ If you want to guess
how to be the best ♪

♪ I tell you
what you must do ♪

♪ Jag-Jitsu ♪