01x09 - Brother Ralph

[bunniefuu]

What say there, Alice?

Oh, hi, Ed.

Where's Ralph?

He's not home yet.

Little late tonight, ain't he?

Oh, well, I guess maybe
he just stopped off, you know,

with some of the boys
for a little celebration.

Celebration for what?

Oh, didn't you see
Ralph last night?

Oh, well, you know that suggestion
box they got down at the bus depot?

Yeah.

Well, Ralph put a
suggestion in there

and the company
liked it very much.

They gave him
a $10 prize for it.

Hey, boy, I'm telling you,

I always knew that boy
had executive ability.

What was his suggestion, anyway?

Well, you know how the traffic

gets sort of congested
on Madison Avenue

when, oh, maybe four or
five buses pull up to the corner

at the same time? Yeah.

Well, Ralph
suggested they bring in

a traffic expert to
work the problem out.

So, they hired one this morning.

Boy, oh, boy, I'm
telling you, Alice,

you can be pretty proud
of that husband of yours.

I'm telling you, he's gonna
go far in that bus company.

You know why? 'Cause his heart
and soul is in his work, that's why.

All he thinks about is buses.

He eats, drinks
and sleeps buses.

He's even built like one.

Oh, hiya, Ralph.

Hey, there, Ralphie boy.

Put it there, pal.

Congratulations, there.

Alice just told me the good news

about the suggestion you
made down there at the company.

Boy, I'm telling you, attaboy,

that was a pretty
smart idea of yours,

bringing in the traffic expert.

They didn't need an expert.

I could've told them
what the trouble was.

There's too many buses on
Madison Avenue, that's all.

Course, that traffic expert...
You know what he'll probably do?

Take some of the
buses off the line,

and just lay off some
of the bus drivers.

Course, that'll be pretty rough

on the bus drivers
that are laid off,

but, at a time like this, you
gotta think of yourself, Ralph.

I mean, think of
how much better off

you and the other drivers
will be that are working.

What's the good word, buddy boy?

I... was the first to go.

Oh, Ralph.

You mean you were fired?

Oh, no, I wasn't fired.

I was just temporarily laid off.

With nine other drivers.

How 'bout that?

How could they do that to me?

Me, who has worked and drove a
bus for that company for 15 years!

15 years, driving a bus.

Aggravation, 101
aggravations every day!

Driving a bus in the summertime,

dying from the heat,
in the wintertime,

freezing from the cold.
All kinds of weather.

Through the rain, the
snow and the sleet.

You know that sign they
have in the post office,

"The mail gets through no
matter what kind of weather"?

You know why?

'Cause the mailman
rides with me, that's why!

Oh, Ralph, I know
how you feel, honey.

But we got to be
practical about this.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know what
we're gonna do.

How long's this
thing gonna last?

I don't know how
long it's gonna last.

A week, a month,
a year, who knows?

And I can't get a job
either in the meantime.

Remember the last
time I was laid off?

I tried to get a job,
they want references.

They want to know
where I worked last.

Then they call up
where I worked,

they find out I drive the bus,

that I'm on a layoff, and
they know that I'm going back

to driving a bus as
soon as the layoff's over.

So I can't get a job there.

Excuse me, may I
interject here for a moment?

Maybe I can be of some help.

Maybe I could swing
a little influence,

and get you a job with
me down the sewer.

I don't know anything
about working in the sewer.

How about it, Ralphie?

Would you like to join
us denizens of the deep?

I told you, Norton,

I don't know anything
about working in a sewer.

Well, you'll pick it up,
you just learn, like I did.

I mean, after all, what
did I know about my job

before I joined the
Department of Sanitation?

I didn't even know a sewer
from a hole in the ground.

Come on, Ralph, will you stop
aggravating yourself like this?

Doesn't do any good. At a
time like this, you gotta smile!

You gotta smile!

What do you mean? What
have I got to smile about?

That's just the point.

Now more than ever before,
you gotta keep your spirits up.

It's easy to smile when
things are going good,

but now it's a challenge.

Come on, Ralphie boy, pal
o' mine, let's see the old smile!

Let's see those ivories. Give me
the old Liberace, in there, Ralphie boy!

That's a boy! Give
me that smile there!

That's the way it is.

Beautiful, beautiful,
just stay like that.

Now, don't think of today,
think of happier times.

Think of yesterday, when your
boss brought you in the office there

and he said, "Ralph, I'm
gonna use your suggestion

about hiring a traffic expert to solve
the problems on Madison Avenue."

You should be
proud, Ralphie boy!

That was your own idea.

Nobody else thought of that.

You hatched that right
out of your own brain.

Smile, smile...!

Get out!

Get out!

I take back my offer to
you of a job in the sewer.

Besides, you wouldn't
even fit through the manhole.

Get out!

Somewhere, Alice,
somewhere in this world,

there is a straightjacket
waiting for that man.

Ralph, never mind him.

What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna live
on until this layoff is over?

Suppose it does last a month?

Well, we just gotta face it.

Just have to cut down,
cut out this high living.

High living?

Yes, high living.

We'll just have to
cut out a few luxuries.

All right, how about
you giving up bowling?

Now, let's not get panicky.

Let's face this
thing intelligently.

There's just one way to do it.

We gotta find out how
much money we owe,

and how much money we have.

Then we deduct the money that
we owe from the money we have,

and the money we have left
is what we're gonna live on.

Now, where are the bills,
and I'll start fixing it up.

In the top drawer.

Very simple.

Nothing to get excited about.

Just remain calm.

Well, here, that's $4.95.

Here.

All right, it comes to $186.32.

Now, that's what we owe.

We have to deduct
that from what we have.

Now, this is an emergency, so
we got to take into consideration

all the money we have.

Whatever we have in w*r bonds,
whatever we have in the bank,

whatever you have
hidden around here.

All the money we got
in our Christmas club,

all of it, now all of that
lumped into one big ball,

amounts to what?

$12.83.

$12.83!

$12.83?

You sure that's all of it?

That's right, Ralph, that's all,

including three Indian head
pennies and a two-cent stamp.

You don't know how
to handle money.

Of course I don't! I
never had any practice.

You squandered it, Alice.

You squandered it.

Squandered? Yeah, squandered.

I know what you do
when you got money, Alice.

I know what you do.

You run right out
and buy some clothes.

That's what you do.

I what? Don't deny
it! Don't deny it, Alice.

'Cause I got the proof
that you buy clothes.

Here, is this middle
drawer yours?

That's right. Is it yours?

All right, is it
jammed with stuff?

Everything you bought? Now...

is the bottom drawer
mine? That's right.

All right, in there
is one pair of pants.

Why is one pair of pants
of mine in that drawer?

'Cause one pair of your
pants is all that'll fit in there.

Oh, oh, bum!

Listen, Ralph, I did not spend

that money on clothes,
and you know it.

Besides, how far do you
think $62 a week will go?

Will you shut your big mouth
and stop yelling my salary?

I don't want the neighbors to
know how much I'm making.

$62 a week. $62 a week!

$62 a week!

Will you stop that?

I don't want my
salary to leak out.

Your salary couldn't drip out.

Now, listen, Ralph...

Oh, you're flirting with death.

You can rant and rave
and scream and yell

all you want to, but it's
not helping matters any.

Now, let's face it,
Ralph, we're in trouble.

What are we gonna live
on until this layoff is over?

You're so smart, you tell me.

Ha. All right.

I will tell you, but
you're not gonna like it.

Now, nobody's gonna
give you a job, Ralph.

Just like you said, they'll
find out when the layoff is over

you're going back to
work for the bus company.

But there is no reason
in this whole earth

why I can't get a job.

That is out.

O-U-T, out.

While you are my wife,
you will never work.

I have my pride.

I'm gettin' a job, Ralph,
no matter what you say.

I'm not gonna
argue with you, Alice,

'cause first of all, what could you
possibly do to earn any money?

Well, there's plenty
that I could do, Ralph.

I took a commercial
course in school.

I still remember my
shorthand and my typing.

I can get a job as a secretary.

Oh, you can, huh?

And who do you think is gonna
do the housework around here?

Guess.

Oh, no!

No, sir.

No, sir, sir, sir, sir!

No, sir! Not me.

Oh, yes, you are, Ralph.

I'm getting a job, and you're
gonna do the housework.

Ha, ha, har-dy, har, har!

Har, har, har-dy, har, har!

You hear that, Alice?

Har, har, har, har, har-dy har!

Hi there, Ralph. I'm
glad to see you laughing!

Get out! Smile!

Get out!

Oh, hiya, hon.

Oh, hiya, Ralph.

Oh, boy, am I tired.

Oh, what a day I had.

Say, Ralph, would you rub
the back of my neck for me?

It feels like it's broken.

Sure, sweetie.

Oh, that feels good.

What're we having
for supper, Ralph?

Oh, I made some
spaghetti, lima beans,

mashed potatoes and hot dogs.

Oh, no, Ralph,
not hot dogs again.

What do you mean,
"No, not hot dogs again"?

Nothing, Ralph, except
this is only the third time

in a week that we've had 'em.

Are you complaining, Alice?

Is that what you're
doing, complaining?

I suppose you'd like to
have a nice big, thick steak?

Well, now that you mention it,

I would like a nice
big, thick steak.

How do you expect me to get it

on the money you give
me to run this house?

Oh, never mind,
Ralph. Forget it.

I don't want to forget it.
I don't want to forget it.

Sure, it's easy for
you to come home,

cr*ck... make
criticisms about the food.

Sure, but I've been slaving
over a hot stove all day.

All right, Ralph, I'm sorry.

Let's not argue, I'm too tired.

You're tired?

You're tired?

Well, what do you think I am?

You've been sitting behind
a nice typewriter all day.

I've been scrubbing the
floors, mopping everything,

cleaning up, washing, cooking.

Listen, Ralph, I
said I was sorry.

Now would you please hurry
up and get supper on the table.

I gotta go in and
change my clothes.

I have to go back
to work tonight.

Wait a minute. What do you
mean you're going to work?

We're supposed to
be going to the movies.

I know, Ralph,
but I can't help it.

But I've had my heart set
on going to the movies all day.

Well, Ralph, what
can I do about it?

This is their busy time.

I got to make out
their inventory sheets.

What do I care for
their inventory sheets?

I want to go to the movies!

Sure, sure, it's
all right for you,

you've been out all day.

I've been cooped up here with
nothing to look at but these four walls.

Ralph, will you please
be reasonable about this?

I have to go back to work.

Now, I haven't got much time,

so please hurry up with supper.

Tony's picking me up and
he'll be here any minute.

Tony's picking her up?

Who's Tony?

What'd you say, Ralph?

I said, who's Tony?

Tony? Oh, Tony's
my boss, Mr. Amico.

Oh, Tony's your boss, huh?

Mr. Amico.

Well, why don't you call
your boss Mr. Amico?

Why do you have to say "Tony"?

Well, I don't know, Ralph.
That's just the way it is.

Everybody down at the office calls
everybody else by their first name.

It's just Tony and George and
Bill and Frank and Pete and Alice.

Tony, Frank and George,
Pete and Bill and Alice?

Aren't there any Muriels
down there or any Glorias?

Well, no, Ralph,
I'm the secretary.

I'm the only girl in the office.

The only girl in
the whole office?

Yeah.

Boy.

You must be a riot
around that water cooler.

Listen, Ralph, I don't know
what you're building in your mind,

but you're just
being ridiculous.

Millions of girls work in
offices every day with men

and nobody thinks
a thing about it.

First of all, those
guys are all so busy,

they don't have time to
give me a second thought.

So I don't want to hear
another word about it.

Would you get me
my slippers, please?

I got to get some things.

Oh, Ralph. Ralph?

What do you want now?

I forgot to tell you something,
and it's very important.

I told Tony that I
lived with my brother.

You see, he doesn't
think I'm married,

so when he gets here tonight,
you just say you're my brother.

What?

You said you were
not what, and I'm who?

I couldn't very well tell
them that I was married.

They don't believe in
hiring married women.

It's an office rule.

And also that Frank, and
Bill and Pete and George,

they don't know
you're married, either?

Of course not.

See, they think if they hired
a married woman, you know,

she might leave
to raise a family

or a husband just might
tell her to quit or something.

Oh, they're so right.

You are quitting!

You are quitting.

And this isn't your brother
talking, this is your husband.

Now, just a minute, Ralph.

Don't "just a minute"
me; you're quitting.

You are quitting.

And when this Tony
comes here tonight,

we'll tell him, and then
he can go to the office,

and he can tell Frank
and George and Bill...

I am not leaving
that job, Ralph.

And I want to tell
you something...

I'm getting pretty
sick and tired

of these crazy,
jealous moods of yours.

I've been through
them all a hundred times

and for absolutely no reason.

What is the matter
with you, Ralph?

Don't you trust me?
You're my husband.

Oh, no, I'm your brother.

Listen, Ralph, I am
not quitting that job,

and for a very good
we need the money.

Have you forgotten the rent is due
this week and we haven't got a cent.

And I'm gonna tell you
something else, Ralph,

and boy, I want you
to get this straight.

You do anything tonight with any of
those crazy, jealous scenes of yours,

and do anything that's
gonna cost me this job, Ralph,

and you will regret it
for the rest of your life.

Say, Ralphie boy.

Hey, come on, will you
snap out of it, Ralph?

I know how you feel.

I know this layoff
is tough to take.

I know just how you feel.

You probably just can't wait to
get behind the wheel of a bus again.

I know it's just how you
feel, 'cause I went through

the same thing two
or three years ago

when they laid
me off in the sewer.

I felt just like a
fish out of water.

It's not the layoff, Norton.

It's that job that
Alice has got.

In order to get it,

she had to tell the
boss she wasn't married.

And on top of everything,

she told them that
I was her brother.

Well, if that's what she had to say to
get the job, that's what she had to say.

Don't you understand the
implications of a thing like that?

The boss doesn't
think she's married.

He's liable to try to make a
date with her or something!

Now wait a minute, that won't
necessarily follow through.

Take my cousin, for
instance. She works.

Her boss knows she's single,

he don't try to make
no dates with her.

Course, she looks
like an orangutan.

Never mind your cousin, Norton.

Suppose it was Trixie?

Suppose it was Trixie?

I tell you how I'd feel,
suppose it was Trixie.

See what this is?
I'll tell you what it is.

You know, Alice getting
the job gave Trixie an idea.

This here is an application for a job that
Trixie filled out in this morning's paper.

I'm just on my way
down to mail it now.

You mean to tell me that you
don't care whether Trixie works?

Of course not!

Course, I ain't the
jealous nature like you.

Ah, by the way,

what does Alice's
boss look like?

How do I know? I never saw him.

Oh, boy, Ralph.

You are beautiful.

You're very attractive.

Yes, sir, you're building this
whole thing up in your mind.

You haven't even
seen Alice's boss,

yet you're building a
whole thing up in your mind.

You got any idea what
some bosses look like?

Geesh.

You ought to get a load of
my boss down in the sewer.

She is the ugliest
woman that ever lived.

Maybe you're right, Norton.

Maybe I'm building this
whole thing up in my mind.

Course I'm right.

Alice's boss is
probably 90 years old,

bald, hasn't got any teeth.

Probably some stupid moax.

Yeah.

Hey, that's probably him now.

I'm surprised he's got
the strength to knock.

Come in.

I'm Mr. Amico. Is
Alice ready yet?

I'll, uh, see you later, Ralph.

I'm going upstairs and
destroy Trixie's working papers.

So, uh... you're
Alice's boss, huh?

That's right.

You must be Ralph,
Alice's brother.

Boy, Ralph, you've
got some sister there.

She's a real doll.

I'll be out in a minute.

She's not ready yet.

See, it takes her a little
longer to put on her makeup.

She's not as
pretty as she looks.

All you brothers think
that way about your sisters.

But take it from me,
your sister is all right.

How about getting
me a date with her?

I think I'd better give you this
little piece of information, pal.

My sister happens to be
going steady with a prizefighter,

and he really hits.

That's just a little warning.

Thanks.

You know, you and Alice
don't look very much alike

for a brother and sister.

There's very little
family resemblance.

Is that so?

Well, no offense, but
she's so, um... mmm.

And you're so, um...

I'm all ready, Tony.

Alice, you certainly are the
prettiest secretary in New York.

Ralph, your sister's a doll.

Well, nice to have met you.

Wait a minute,
I'm going with you.

Ralph.

I mean that I'm going with ya

because I'm gonna
wait until she finishes,

and then I'll bring her home

'cause it's not good for a girl

to come home late at
night during these days.

Well, she won't be
alone... I'll be with her.

Uhh...

It's not safe for a girl to
come home these nights...

Ralph.

Ah, what I mean is,

why should Tony go to all
the trouble to bring you home?

You and I can hop on the subway,
we'll be home in an hour and a half.

Oh, it's no trouble.

I've got my convertible.

I hope you won't
be too chilly, Alice.

I've got the top down.

I'm going with you,
and I'm bringing Norton.

Ralph!

Yes?

That will not be necessary.

I will be perfectly all right.

Well, I got another idea.

Look, why don't you
work here tonight?

There's plenty of
light and everything.

Well, I don't see why not.

I've got the portable typewriter
in the car, and the papers.

I could bring them up.

You go right ahead
and do that, Tony, pal.

I'll be right back, Alice.

All right.

All right, Ralph, how could
you embarrass me like that?

What's the matter with
you? Don't you trust me?

I trust you; I don't trust him.

Now, you'll work right here
and everything'll be fine.

Listen, Ralph, I think
you've gone crazy.

I think you've gone
completely out of your mind.

These jealous moods of
yours are crazy, you know?

And just take a little
tip from me, Ralph,

I think you should have
your head examined.

You think that, Alice?

You think I should have
my head examined, huh?

I'll have it examined,
Alice, if you want.

Anywhere in the United
States, I'll have it examined.

Go to Vienna and
have it examined for you.

Vienna! Any doctor,
any place, any hospital.

They can bring doctors
from the Moon down here,

to examine my head!

And they'll find
nothing in there, Alice!

Don't you think
it's a little late now?

Don't you think you ought
to, you know, call it off?

We won't be long now, Ralph.

Uh, let me see that last list

of figures I gave you, Alice.

Types pretty nice, doesn't she?

Ralph, will you
stop acting so crazy?

You're making me nervous.

I'm making you nervous?

What do you think
you're doing to me?

All right, I'm going to bed now.

Go ahead and work.

But if I hear the typewriter
stop, I'm coming out.

Your brother certainly is, uh...

Yeah, he certainly is.

Here, take it from letter "L."

All right.

I'm changing the paper, Ralph.

Come in.

Hi, Alice.

Oh, hiya, Freddie.

Ralph here?

He's in the bedroom.

I just come off my run.

I thought I'd drop by and
tell him the good news.

His layoff's over.
They're putting him

on a crosstown run
starting tomorrow.

Oh, that's wonderful,
Freddie. Thanks a lot.

I'll tell him right away.

Tell him I'll see him tomorrow.

Okay. Tony, I'll
just be a minute.

Ralph, what are you gonna do?

All right, get up!

Get up!

Put your hands out like that.

Okay, out!

Get out!

Out!

Go ahead, say it, Alice. Say it.

Go ahead, tell me I'm a maniac!

Go ahead, say anything you want.

But I don't care.

I don't care, that's
the way I feel.

Oh, Ralph.

I love you.

You love me?

Yeah.

Why?

Don't you know why?

It's not every woman,
Ralph, who's lucky enough,

after 15 years of marriage,

to have a husband this jealous.

Baby, you're the greatest.