01x15 - A Matter of Record

[bunniefuu]

All right, buddy boy.

Hey, Alice.

Oh, hi, Ed.

I'd like to have
for you to meet

the captain of our stickball
team, Johnny Bennet.

Hiya, Johnny.
Hi.

Alice, I, uh...
I got a little problem.

I promised each member
of the team today,

each one that hit a home run,
I'd give 'em an apple.

Well, what's your problem?

I, uh, I'm fresh
out of apples.

Oh, help yourself, Ed.

Thank you.

Here you are, Johnny boy,

there's your apple
for your home run.

( laughs )

Who are those for?

I happened to hit a couple

of home runs myself today,
Alice, you know.

All right, Johnny boy,
get going.

Remember, you're in training.
Get home and get into bed early,

and lay off them lollipops.
Skedaddle.

Hiya, Johnny.

Alice, Alice!

Remember me promising you
I was gonna get two tickets

and take you
to a real Broadway show?

Yeah, I remember.

That was Thursday,
August the fifth, 1942.

Well, I'm keeping
my promise, Alice.

There they are.

Two tickets
to m*rder Strikes Out.

Oh!

The boss, he can't use 'em,
so he gave 'em to me.

He says, "go ahead."

m*rder Strikes Out--
I heard about that show.

That's the show that's
supposed to keep you

in thrills, chills
and suspense

for over three hours!

It's a big hit!

You saw the advertisements
in the paper.

You know, "Don't tell anybody
what the ending is,

keep the ending a surprise."

Oh, Ralph, how wonderful!

I can't wait to see it.

Well, look,
go in and get dressed.

And right after the show,

we'll go to the Hong Kong
Gardens,

we'll make a whole night
of the thing.

Ralph, you mean the tickets
are for tonight?

Yeah.

My mother's coming tonight.

She'll be here any minute.

I can't go. It's impossible.

You're not gonna stand there
and tell me, Alice,

that you're gonna spoil
my evening and your evening

and both of our chances
to see a Broadway show

because your mother is coming!

You're not gonna tell me that,
are you, Alice?

Ralph, I don't want
to spoil your evening,

but I don't want to
disappoint my mother.

She's coming all the way
from Bensonhurst.

There's a big deal.

Where's Bensonhurst?
In New Zealand, or something?

Listen, Ralph, I am too tired
to argue.

My mother's coming
and I can't go.

Why don't you take Norton?

How about it, Ed? Would you
like to see that show?

Well, uh, I don't
think I can, Alice.

Captain Video and his
Video Rangers are on tonight.

I want to...

You mean to tell me you're
not gonna take the chance

to see a show
like m*rder Strikes Out?

Instead you want to watch

Captain Video
and his Video Rangers?

Now, come on, Norton, do you
want to go or don't you?

I can't use two seats.

That's a matter of opinion.

I'll manage
to squeeze in somehow.

All right, go ahead
and get dressed.

Your mother.

On account of your mother,

I got to waste a ticket
on a Junior Space Cadet.

Listen, Ralph, don't go
blaming my mother.

It is not her fault.

How could she know that
you have tickets to a show?

Oh, she knows, Alice.

She knows!

I don't know how she finds out,
but she knows.

I don't know whether she
uses a Ouija board

or a corn teller, but she knows!

Listen, Ralph, I know Mother
isn't the easiest person

in this world
to get along with,

but that's no reason for you
to act the way you do.

I act the way I do, Alice,

because your mother
is a blabbermouth.

A blabbermouth!

Ralph, I have told you
about that before.

I don't want you
calling her that.

All right, you're an expert
at crossword puzzles,

give me another word
for "blabbermouth."

As soon as she comes in here,
she starts in talking.

( imitates chatter )

The minute she steps in till
the minute she steps out,

she starts in on me.

"Oh, if Alice only had have
married those other boyfriends."

"Oh, Ralph, why do you
eat so much? You're so fat."

"Well, why don't you get some
furniture for the apartment?"

Your mother's nosy, Alice.
Nosy!

Snooping around.

Anything I hate,
it's a nosy blabbermouth.

Now, listen, Ralph, I am
warning you for the last time.

You call her that once more,

and when my mother
leaves here tonight,

I just might go with her.

All right,
I won't say a word.

I won't say a word
to you or your mother.

That'll suit me just fine.

At least that way,
there won't be any arguments.

There won't be
any arguments?

You think because
I don't say a word,

there won't be an argument?

Are you kidding?

I'll bet you a million dollars

that she won't be in this
apartment three minutes

before she starts an argument.

And I won't have
to say a word, Alice!

Three minutes, I give her.

She'll start an argument.

Without a word from me!

Ah...

( knock on door )

Oh, hello, Mother!
Alice, dear!

Oh, hello, dear.

Oh, my.

( sighing )

Ah!

Well, I'm glad
to sit down.

Whew!

Ooh!

You know, Alice,

I wish you didn't live
so far from the subway.

Oh, Mother,
it's only three blocks.

Yeah, three long blocks.

But I suppose you can't
do any better

with the rent that
you can afford.

Your sister only lives
a half a block from the subway.

Well, that's one
of the advantages

of having a husband
that's a good provider.

Mother, I have some coffee on.

Would you like some?

Oh, that'd be nice, dear.

Yes, thank you.

Say, Alice, you look thin.

Are you getting
enough to eat?

ALICE:
Oh.

Of course I am, Mother.

You wouldn't say that
if you could see our food bill.

Well, I don't doubt
the bills are high.

But how much of the food
are you getting?

ALICE:
Mother, don't you
worry about me.

I feel just fine.

Well, I hope so.
My goodness.

A little food is the least
you can get out of marriage.

Oh! Oh, by the way,
guess who I saw today.

Who?

Chester Barnes.

Oh, you remember Chester.

That nice boy that was
so crazy about you?

Yeah, how is he?

Oh, he's fine!
He's just fine!

Oh, and he's handsomer
than ever!

Oh, my dear,
and he's so tall and slim.

I guess a man doesn't...

I guess a man
doesn't have to get fat

if he doesn't want to.

( sighs )

Oh, we had a nice,
long chat.

You know, he's so charming.

You know, of all the boys
that you brought to our house,

he's the only one
that I had any use for.

Mother, now come on,
drink your coffee.

Ralph,
would you like some?

( groans softly )

What's the matter
with him?

Nothing's the matter
with him, Mother.

Oh, Ralph has got tickets
for a Broadway show tonight.

He's going with Ed Norton.

Ed Norton? Doesn't he
know he's got a wife?

Mother, Ralph asked me
to go with him first,

but I couldn't because
you were coming over

to spend the evening.

Anyway, it's
a wonderful show.

It's called m*rder
Strikes Out.

Oh, that.

I had a neighbor,
Mrs. Finley--

she saw it, she
didn't think much of it.

Really? It was supposed
to be such a big hit.

The paper said it's
a very exciting mystery.

Oh, the paper-- that's
just a lot of publicity.

All that to-do about
chills and suspense.

And that nonsense about

"don't tell your friends
the surprise ending."

Well, it was no surprise
to Mrs. Finley.

She said she knew
all the time

that it wasn't the uncle
who committed the m*rder,

it was the husband.

( alarm rings )

You are a blabbermouth!

A blabbermouth!

You!

Blabbermouth!

Out!

Ralph!

Out!

Ralph.

Out!

Well, I've had enough.

Out!

Oh! Well, I've had
enough of this.

I'm going home!

Oh!

Blabbermouth!

I've had just
as much of this

as I can stand, too, Ralph.

Doesn't change my mind.

It doesn't change my mind!

She's a blabbermouth!

( hollers )

Ah! What's going on, there?

What's the matter, anyway?

Ain't we going to the show?

I'm not going to the show!

Alice's mother,
the blabbermouth,

has to come in here,

she's got to tell me
the ending of the show.

It wasn't the uncle
that k*lled him,

it was the husband
that k*lled him!

Two tickets ruined.

Well, just give me
my ticket, I'll go.

How can you be
so stupid, Norton?

Why do you want to go?

You know the finish
as well as I do.

You call me stupid, huh?

You call me stupid?

Just so happens it don't
make no difference at all

if I know the finish.

It doesn't make
a difference at all.

I'll just wait till it gets
almost to the end of the show,

and then I'll get up
and walk out.

Hiya, Norton.

Hi, Ralphy, pal.

How is it down there in that
lonely apartment of yours?

How does it feel to be
a bachelor again, pal?

It's m*rder, Norton.

She's only been
gone five days,

and I'm going nuts.

Never thought I could
miss her as much as I do.

If I could only
get to talk to her.

I know she'd forgive me,
I'd pour my heart out to her.

Tell her how much I love her,
I know she'd forgive me.

Ooh, wait a minute.

Just stay right where you are.

Hold everything.

What's that?

It's a recorder.
It's a recorder.

Wait a minute,
now I'll get it set up.

( mumbling )

There we are.

Well, what are you gonna
do with that?

What am I gonna do with it?

You're gonna make a record.

You're gonna pour
your heart out to Alice there.

Right on the record here,
see?

She'll get the record,
listen to it,

know how you feel,
she'll be running back to you.

Norton, you're a genius.

( laughs )

That's a microphone.

All right.

Got to put a fresh
record on.

Okay.

Wait a minute.

Now, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute.

Start now?

Oh-- No, wait a minute.

I just thought of
something else.

If you want this to be
sweet and sentimental,

you know, schmaltzy-like,

you got to have
a musical background.

Just a minute.

( plays )

Don't say nothing until
you get a cue from me.

See, I'll start the music
in the background, you see?

And then I'll throw you
a cue. You ready?

( plays Swanee River )

sh**t!

( continues )

Why don't you stop it?!

Look, I don't
need any music.

Just sit down,
I'll do this alone.

Go ahead.

Start it.

You're on the air.

Hello, Alice.

This is me, Ralph.

Alice, I'm sorry.

I'm miserable without you.

Please come back
to me, Alice.

I apologize for
everything I said.

I even apologize
to your mother.

I know she doesn't mean
the things she says, Alice.

It's just her nature.

She doesn't mean to be mean.

She's just born that way.

When she says things
about your old boyfriends,

and about the furniture
in the apartment,

I know she doesn't mean
to get me mad.

She's just naturally mean,
that's all.

When she spilled the beans
about the end of the play,

I shouldn't have
got mad at that.

I should've
expected it from her.

I know how she is.

She's never gonna be
any different, Alice!

She's gonna be
the same old way, Alice!

She's a blabbermouth,
Alice!

A blabbermouth!

Hey, there, will you
hold the phone?

What, are you crazy
or somethin'?

What're you pouring out,
your heart or your liver?

I'm sorry. Every time
I think of Alice's mother,

I flip!

Don't think
of Alice's mother,

concentrate on Alice.

She's the one you want back.
Get over here now.

I got one more
fresh record left.

You better make
this one good.

It's the last disc I got.

Now, make it friendly
and warm and schmaltzy.

What kind of a greeting
is this? It's so formal.

"Hello, Alice,
this is Ralph."

I got a friendlier
greeting for my draft notice.

Isn't there some kind
of a name you used to call her?

Honey bunny, sweetie pie,
or something?

I did. I used to
call her "Bunny."

Bunny?

Yeah, when we
first got married.

Now we're getting someplace.
Call her "Bunny."

Uh, wait a minute,
before you start it,

would you mind, uh,
starting it and leaving?

This is kind of personal.

I'd like to do it alone,
if you don't mind.

I know just how you feel.

In the words of
the immortal bard Shakespeare,

there are three times
in a man's life

when he wants to be alone.

One, when he's communing
with his thoughts,

two, when he's being
tender with his wife,

and three, when he's in
the isolation booth

on "the $64,000 question."

Right?

You're on the air.

( door closes )

Hello, Bunny.

This is Old Buttercup.

'Member when I used to
call you "Bunny," Alice?

Way back when
we first got married.

You used to call me
"Old Buttercup."

Now, uh, I'm sorry, Alice,
for everything I said.

We never used to argue
when we first got married.

There's no reason for us
to argue now.

I admit it's
all my fault, Bunny.

Your Old Buttercup is never
gonna do it again.

So, you just come back,
Alice, please,

and I promise I'll never
again be like I was.

I'll never say anything else
about your mother.

Just come back to me.

Come on, Bunny, come back
to Old Buttercup.

P. S...

say hello to your mama.

Okay, Norton,
you can come out.

( loud sob )

You were listening,
Norton!

I couldn't help it,
Ralph.

It just got me
down in here.

When you come to that
part where you says,

"This is Old Buttercup..."

Simply beautiful.

Look, never mind that.

How're we gonna get
the letter... the record?

Don't you worry
about a thing.

I got envelopes
for these things.

I'll slip it in the envelope,

mail it, address it,
and everything

and she'll get it tomorrow,
you won't know a thing about it.

and she'll come begging...

All right,
get the envelope.

What's her address?

Ah, 33 Koskiasko Street.

Wait a minute.
Hiya, Trix.

Oh, hiya, Ralph.

Just write it
right down there.

Don't forget, Norton,
this means everything to me.

My whole future.

Your future is
in good hands.

All right. So long, Trix.

30... what?

So long, Ralph.
33 Koskiasko street.

And the name is Gibson.

Care of Gibson.

Bye, Trix.

TRIXIE:
Bye, Ralph.

Hey, uh, Trix?

Yeah?

Hand me the record
in the cabinet, there, will you?

Huh?

Hand me
the record over there.

Oh, all right.

There you are.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Telling you, Trix,

this is Ralph's passport
to happiness.

I'm telling you, Ralph and
Alice's troubles are over.

Norton, did you
send the record?

Did I send it?
You asked me a million times.

Of course I sent it!

Well, then why isn't she here?

She should've gotten
the record by now.

Are you sure
you addressed it right?

I know I addressed it...
I even took precautions.

You know on the envelope
on the outside,

you know where it says,

"If not delivered
in five days, return to..."

I crossed that out.

I said, "Never mind this,

"'If not delivered
in five days.'

Deliver it!"

She should've got that record
10:00 this morning

if you'd delivered it.
It's now 6:00.

She's had the record 8 hours.

Why isn't she here?!

Look, ain't you got
no imagination?

Can't you picture the scene?

She's there
at her mother's house.

The mailman comes up
with the record and delivers it.

She opens it up, she rushes

over to the phonograph
and plays it.

She listens to
your tender words pour out.

Her heart melts.

Two, four, six, eight hours
she's listened to that record.

Her eyes fill up with tears,
they get all swollen and red.

She rushes out of the house

to get on a bus
to come home to you.

Her eyes are all swollen up,
she misses the bus.

She gets on the wrong one.

Ends up in Bayonne.

That's the answer, Ralph.

You are sitting here
waiting for her to come home,

she's probably wandering
around with swollen eyes

someplace in Bayonne.

Will you leave me
alone, Norton?

Listen, if she hears that
record, she'll come back.

I'm telling you.

( knock on door )

Maybe that's her.

Al... oh, hiya, Johnny.

Hello, Mr. Kramden.

Hi, Johnny boy.

Mr. Norton, your wife
told me you'd be down here.

I got some bad news.

What?
Steve Austin can't
play tomorrow.

He's got the measles.

How do you like that?

On the eve of
a big baseball game,

my second baseman comes
down with the measles.

I'm telling you, Ralph,

the life of a coach ain't
all beer and skittles.

Have we got no substitute?

That's just it.

We don't have
a substitute.

Unless you'd
play for us!

How about it,
Mr. Kramden?

Do you think you could
cover second base?

My boy, you are
looking at a man

that could cover the infield,
the outfield,

and four sections
of the bleachers.

Very sorry, but
I'll be busy tomorrow.

Mr. Norton, when you
go upstairs,

could you tape up
the handle of my bat?

Tape up the handle?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Okay, Johnny.

Listen, when you was upstairs,
was Mrs. Norton making supper?

No, she was talking
to Mrs. Kramden.

Alice is upstairs.

Hey!

She's upstairs,
she's coming back, Norton.

She's coming back.

I told you the record
would work! I told ya!

Thanks, pal. I don't know
how to thank you.

Now, look-- get out.

I want to be alone
when she comes down.

Don't you think
I got no feelings? I know.

I wouldn't intrude
on your privacy for the world.

This is a time where you
should be left all alone

with your wife
who's coming back to you.

Thank you very much
for your sympathy

and thanks
for sending that record.

Listen, one thing
I want to ask you.

Yes?

You mind if I just
listen in on the keyhole?

Please, Norton, will
you please go upstairs?

She's coming
down any minute.

Let me know for sure
how you make out.

All right. I'll let you
know how I make out.

Okay.

Send her right down.

Alice.

You got the record,
sweetheart?

Alice, I meant
every word of it.

I would've said more, but
it was too small a record.

But I meant every word
of it, Alice.

You said enough, Ralph.
I got the idea.

So my mother
was born mean, huh?

She's gonna stay that way?
It's her nature?

Once a blabbermouth,
always a blabbermouth.

Well, let me tell
you something, Ralph--

I'm very glad that
you sent me this record,

cause now I know
how you really feel.

Wait a minute,
you're making a mistake.

I made the mistake
15 years ago.

Wait a minute, Alice!

Wait a second,
you got the wrong record!

Alice! The wrong...!

Norton?

Pal o' mine.

Come on down.

I wanna tell you
how it came out.

Come on down, Norton!

Come on down, Norton!

I'm waiting for you,
pal!

Come on!

Get out, Norton.

Get out before
I do something.

You're a menace
to society.

You're a menace
to me.

And you are a stupid head.
Now, get out!

Just wait a minute.

Before you say anything
I take offense at,

I got some news for you.

Alice is coming back,
she's gonna forgive you.

What?

Yes. I brought
the right record

over to Alice's
mother's house,

and I played it for Alice,

and she sat there
and listened to it,

and she cried and she cried,
and she forgives you.

Oh, Norton.

Is she really
coming back?

She's not only really
coming back, she is back.

She's down at the corner store
now, picking up a steak,

and she's gonna make you
the best supper

you ever had in your life.

Norton, I don't know
how to thank you, pal.

Friends?

Friends, pal, friends.

( knock on door )

That's probably her now.

Alice?

Oh. Yes, sir?

I'm Dr. Folsom.

I'm with
the Department of Health.

Do any children
live in this apartment?

No, just my wife
and myself.

There's an epidemic
of measles in this building.

The Manicotti boy has them,
the Garitty boy,

and Mrs. Bennet's son.

Apparently,
it's still spreading.

Manicotti, Bennet...

there goes
my stickball team.

Well, there's no children
live here.

Mm-hmm, just checking.

It's all right.

What're you looking at?

Would you mind opening
your mouth, please?

Uh-huh.

Did you ever
have the measles?

No.

Well, you got 'em now.

That's impossible!

Ralph, you got the measles,
you're gonna break out...

Shut up!

I can't have the measles.

He's the one that plays
with the kids.

I don't play with 'em!

How could I catch
the measles?

Very simple. You probably
got 'em from him...

Let me look at you.

Well, you're both
in the same boat.

Oh!

Ralph!

Just a minute, madam.
You live here?

Oh, wait a minute,
she doesn't understand.

That's my wife. She's
been away for three weeks.

Understand what?

There's an epidemic
of measles.

Your husband and this
gentleman are infected.

You're very fortunate
that you've been away.

If you want to avoid measles,
I suggest you stay away

until the infection
has subsided.

Good afternoon.

Oh, Ralph, I don't mind...

Don't touch me!

Don't touch me!
I'm measled.

I'll stay and
take care of you, Ralph.

No, sweetheart.

No, darling.

I realized how much I loved you
when you were away.

I don't want you to get
anything like the measles.

Go ahead back
with your mother.

When I'm over the measles,
you can come back.

I love you, too, Ralph.

I love you, too.

Here's your steak.

Bless you, darling.

Bye.

Ralph, I want to tell
you something...

I want to tell you
something, and I mean it.

That was the biggest thing
in the world you could do.

Telling your wife,
Alice, to get out

when you really want
her most of all,

close to your heart.

And you're left alone here
to struggle by yourself--

to do your own cleaning,
and your own cooking,

and your own washing,

just so that you won't
endanger her.

That's what I call
a big sacrifice.

What a mess
she left you with.

She didn't leave me with
the mess, stickball coach!

Put on the apron!

Put it on!

( continues yelling )