01x17 - The Baby Sitter

[bunniefuu]

Checking new installation.

Bensonhurst zero-7741.

( rings )

Okay, thank you.

Everything's
in working order, miss.

Oh, that's wonderful.
Thank you ever so much.

You're welcome. Bye!

Bye.

Trixie?

This is Alice.

Yeah. Guess where
I'm calling you from.

No. No, I'm home!
In my apartment.

Yeah! I got a phone.
Just now.

Oh, Trixie, it's the most
beautiful phone you ever saw.

It's black!

Yeah, rush right down
and see it.

Okay.

( gasps )

Alice! What a surprise!

But after 15 years,

how did you
ever get Ralph
to change his mind?

I didn't. He doesn't know
anything about it yet.

You mean, you had
this phone put in

without telling him?

That's right.

Geesh!

Well, I just had to do it, Trix.

You know, every
time the bus company

wants to get in
touch with Ralph,

they got to send
a man over here.
Oh...

And ever since my mother
moved out to Astoria,

I just haven't been
able to get in touch
with her at all.

Mm-hmm.

So I had to
have a telephone,

but only trouble is,

I don't know how I'm
going break it to Ralph.
( sighs )

If I could just get
him in a good mood
before he sees it.

Well, you better
get him in a good mood

while he's still out
in the hall,

'cause he's gonna see that

as soon as he comes
through the door.

Yeah. I know,
I'll hide it.

Oh, yeah.
Good idea.

Go right in here.
Yeah, that's swell.

Now... I can wait,
you see,

till I get him
in a good mood,
Yeah.

and then I'll
tell him about it.

I'll keep my fingers crossed
for you, Alice.

Okay, Trix.

Well.
Hi.

Hiya, sweetheart.

Hiya, dear.

And how is the charming
Mrs. Norton?

Oh! I'm fine, thanks.

( clears throat )

I-I'll see you later, Alice.
I better be going. Bye.

Bye, Trix.

Lovely girl, that Trixie.

Oh, Ralph, I'm so glad
you're in a good mood

'cause there's something
I just got to tell you.

Oh, hey, before you
tell me anything,

let me tell you something.

You know that guy
that works down...

he's, uh, a bus driver down
at, uh, the depot, Joe Lustick?

Uh-huh.
You know, the guy that's always
making those stale jokes

about me being
slightly overweight.

Mm-hmm.

Well, last night
he goes home to dinner, see,

and he sits down.

No sooner does he sit down
to eat, the telephone rings,

and they want him to come down

and take some guy's place
who's sick.

You know,
take over the shift?

Well, he gets on, he says,
"I don't want to do this."

He starts complaining
and beefing.

You know, he says,
"It's not my turn."

Well, whose
turn was it?

It was my turn.

But because we haven't
got a telephone,

they can't get me.

So he had to go down
and take over the shift.

Imagine that.

I get out of all the dirty work
'cause we haven't got a phone.

Well, anything to eat?

Yeah.

I'll get your supper for
you right away, Ralph.

All right. Uh,
what did you want to tell me?

Oh, that?

Uh, I took your blue
pants to the cleaners.

Oh, fine. Well,
I'm going in and wash up.

I'll be right out, hon.

All right, Ralph.

( phone rings, muffled )

Oh...

( ringing continues )

Did I just hear a telephone?

A telephone?

Oh, yeah, I-I hear...

I-I know, it's...
the window's open.

Hmm. Could've swore
it was right in this room.

Uh-huh, it sounds
that way. Yeah.

Well, I don't know
why I have to listen

to other people's
telephones.

( phone ringing )

You didn't close the
window all the way.

( ringing continues )

( ringing continues )

Hello?

No, no, it isn't.
You have the wrong number.

All right, Ralph.
k*ll me.

Alice, that phone
is going out! Out!

If you'll calm down
for one minute,

I'll give you
a dozen good reasons

why we need that phone.

Yeah, and I'll give
you a big reason

why we can't
have the phone!

We can't afford it!

Oh, Ralph, a telephone
isn't a luxury anymore.

It's a necessity!
A necessity, huh?

They put it in
this afternoon.

I'll guarantee you've been
on it 30 times already.

I made one call,
Ralph. One call!

I spoke to Trixie.

Trixie?! Upstairs?!

You called her on the phone
to talk to her upstairs?

What's the matter?
Yelling out the window
is too good for you now?

What, was it raining out?

Yelling out the window
is bad manners.

Don't you make any nasty
remarks about my mother.

She's been yelling out
the window for 80 years.

Yeah, and before
she lost her voice,

there were more people
listening to her

than to Amos and Andy.

Now, you listen to me, Ralph,
that phone is staying here.

Everybody but us
has a telephone.

All you're worried about
is the money.

Well, you can just
stop worrying,

because I'll figure out
some way to pay for that phone.

I'll just, uh, well,
I'll-I'll cut down on something.

I know what you'll
cut down on. My food.

That's what you'll cut down on,
Alice, my food!

We'll have a phone, but
I won't have anything to eat!

Oh, Ralph.
Don't "Oh, Ralph" me!

I'm sick and tired of
hearing that "Oh, Ralph."

The bills will get bigger
and bigger,

and I'll get less to eat.

I'll start losing weight.

Then you know what
I'll look like?

Yeah. A human being.

Oh, are you
gonna get yours.

Listen, Ralph,

if you'd just stop
being so stubborn,

you'd realize that
we do need a phone.

It is just as important
for you as it is for me.

Oh, it has nothing
to do with me.

'Cause when
I'm working all day,

you'll be making calls.

And then when
I'm home at night,
you'll be getting 'em.

That phone is
for you, you, you!

( phone rings )

Hello?

Yeah.

It's for you, you, you!

Hello?

Shut up.

All right, Ralph, what'd you
hang up on Norton for?

'Cause he's a nut!

Calling me up to
congratulate me

about having a telephone.

Now look, let's get something
straight right now.

Right here and now.

A man's home is
just like a ship.

And on this ship,
I am the captain.

I am the captain
of this ship.

Do you understand that?

You are nothing
but a lowly,

third class seaman.

That's all you are.

Your duties are to get
the mess, swab the deck,

and see that the
captain feels good.

That's all you have to do.

Remember, you're nothing but
a lowly, third class seaman.

I'm the captain!

Where are you going?

Seaman Kramden, third class,
is retiring to the poop deck

until this big wind
blows over!

( door slams )

( sighs )

Hey.

What's the idea,
hanging up on me on the phone?

I just called to tell you
how happy I was

that you finally
come to your senses

and got a telephone.

Is that so?

Well, that phone's
going out in the morning.

Look, I know a phone
is a necessity,

but you don't know Alice
like I know Alice.

She and her mother

get together
on that phone,

that's the end
of everything.

If her mother
caught a cold,

she'd be on that
phone 20 times a day

just to say, "gesundheit."

First thing you know,

the neighbors find
out I got a phone,

they start coming in
here, sponging on me,

"Can I call this one up?
Can I call that one up?"

Hey, uh, Ralph,
that reminds me,

can I use your phone?

Didn't you just
hear what I said?

Just one call.

Is it an important call?

Look, would-would-would-would
I ask if it wasn't important?!

Go ahead,
but make it short.

Thank you.

Will you make
the call?!

Thank you.

Was that the important
call you had to make?!

Well, isn't knowing
the right time important?

Besides, I didn't talk
too long, did I?

You're gonna pay me
for that call.

You're gonna pay me
for that call.

I hate to bring this up,
Ralph,

but you, uh,
leave me no choice.

In the past 15 years,

you've used my phone
a few times, you know.

All right, all right,
don't throw that up to me.

Tell me how many
times I used it,

and I'll pay you for it.

All right, I'll tell you.

You owe me $176.30.

Let me have that,

and I'll check it
with my figures.

Oh, no, you don't.

What do you mean,
no, I don't?

Oh.

What was that?

I'll tell you
what that is.

She wanted to find out
if I'm still here.

She can't wait
to get on that phone

and start gabbing
with everybody.

Of course she won't
get on the phone.

Don't be silly--
she's gonna run up a big bill

when you go away
or something?

All right, pal.
We'll make believe
we're going out bowling,

and as soon as I
get down the street,

I'll duck into
a candy store
and make a call.

I'll call this number,

and I'll bet you ten dollars
that it's busy.

"Bensonhurst 0-7741."

Take it.

We're going bowling now, Alice.

Be back later.

( knocking )

'Minute.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Simpson.

Hello. I-I'm sorry
to bother you, Mrs. Kramden,

but I was hoping maybe
you could help me.

Oh, sure.
What's the matter?

Well, a friend of mine's
baby-sitter disappointed them,

and-and, well, I was hoping
you might know someone.

Oh, gee, I'd love to
help you out, but, uh,

I don't know anyone.
See, uh...

Wait a minute. How much
does a baby-sitter get?

50 cents an hour,

and these people only live
three blocks from here.

Mrs. Simpson,
I'll do it.

Oh, that's fine!
What's your telephone number?

Well, you got a
pencil in there?

Yes. Yes, I have.

In here.

Bensonhurst...
Mm-hmm.

Bensonhurst...
Bensonhurst...

zero...
zero...

77...
77...

41.
41.

And by the way,
before I forget,

since I don't want
Ralph to know about this,

could you ask your friends
to call me before 6:00?

Because that's when
he usually gets home.

Oh, sure, I understand.

Now, these people that
you're sitting for tonight

are the Bartfelds.
Uh-huh.

And they live
at 383 Himrod Street,

apartment 4-D.

383. I'll remember that,

and I can be there
in about 15 minutes.

Oh, that'll be fine,
Mrs. Kramden.

How can I ever thank you?

Oh, Mrs. Simpson, I
can't thank you enough.

Well, good-bye.
Good-bye.

You tell them
I'll be right over.

Yes, I will.

Okay.

( humming "We're in the Money" )

So, you heard me coming, eh,
and got off the phone.

Ralph, I wasn't
on the phone.

Don't stand there
and give me

a bare-faced alibi
like that,

that you weren't on the phone!

I've been calling this number
the last 15 minutes,

and it's been busy!

If I called Bensonhurst
0-7740 once,

I called it 400 times,
and each time it was busy!

Bensonhurst 0-7740?

That's right,
and each time it was busy.
Mm-hmm.

Well, our number is
Bensonhurst 0-7741.

I want to tell you
something, Ralph.

We've had our
differences before.

We've argued,
and we've fought
and everything else,

but everything was
always out in the open.

Each one knew how
the other one felt.

But this rushing
in here like this,

why didn't you just
come in and ask me
if I was on the phone?

Didn't you think
I'd tell you the
truth, Ralph?

I guess I had the wrong number.

( chuckles )

I guess I married the
wrong number, Ralph.

( door opens and closes )

That the way
you want it,

Mr. Bartfeld?

That's fine,
Frank.

That's fine.

Thank you.

Okay.

How'd you like
the show last night?

Oh, great, Harvey,
just great.

The wife and I
have a date tonight.

When I called her
from the office this afternoon,

she still hadn't found
a sitter.

Say, why don't
you call the woman
we used last night?

Oh?
Oh, she's very,
very nice.

Very, very good.
Well, what's her name?

Uh, A-Alice Kramden.

She lives right
near you, too.

Look, I-I'll give
you her phone number.

Hey, that sounds great.

I'll write it down
in my book

as soon as I get
out of the chair here.

Great.

Oh, hi. The other barber'll
be here in just a minute.

Okay, pal.

Norton, are you sure
this is gonna work?

Don't you think I
ought to call her up

and see if she's
still steamed at me?

Oh, no, I like this way better.
Complete surprise.

You walk in there
with flowers, candy,

smooth-shaved, you know,
the skin a woman loves to touch.

It'll work.
But suppose it
doesn't work?

What do you got to lose?

You can smell the flowers,
eat the candy,

and tomorrow morning,
you don't have to shave.

( chuckles )

I guess maybe you're right.

After I tell her she
can keep the phone,

that ought to please her.

Certainly,
and w-w-wait'll she finds out

that you're giving up
the lodge meeting night

to take her to the floor show
at the Hong Kong Gardens.

You're a cinch!

You're right.
Who's next?

That's me, pal.

Here.

Hair cut?

No, just a shave.

( whistling softly )

What's the matter with you?

Don't you realize that this is
this man's place of business?

How would you like him to come
down to the sewer where you work

and help himself
to anything down there?

Help himself to what?

Will you sit down
and read a magazine?

Hey, Ralph, Esquire.

Va-va-va-voom!
Will you sit down?

All done,
Mr. Wohlstetter.

All right.

Here you are, friend.

Thank you.

I better give you
that phone number
now, Harvey.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Look, uh, you think
she's free tonight?

Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Look, her husband's
busy on Mondays,

Thursdays and
Fridays, you know?

Just make sure you
call before 6:00.
Mm-hmm.

Oh, here...
oh, there it is.

The phone number
is Bensonhurst
zero... 7741.

Got it? And her name
is Alice Kramden.

Alice?!

Who was that guy?

Wohlstetter,
Harvey Wohlstetter.

Harvey Wohlstetter, huh?
Wait, wait,
wait a minute.

Leave me alone.
I'm gonna take him apart!

Wait a minute, Ralph.

Maybe he's talking
about some other
Alice Kramden.

Another Alice Kramden?

With Bensonhurst zero?!

Remember, last night
you were wrong.

Maybe you're right.

But I got to find out.

Wait a minute.

If you go home now and
accuse her of anything,

and she's not wrong,
she'll never forgive you!

All right.

But I just got to go
home and find out.

I won't let on.
Listen...

I'll walk in,
I'll be cheerful, happy...

The most important
thing of all,

when you walk in there,
don't let her suspect
that anything is wrong.

I won't, I'll be pleasant.
I'll be smiling.

Wait a minute, that'll
be a dead giveaway.

Why don't you walk in
like you always do?

Leave me alone.

Yes, Mr. Wohlstetter,
I have a pad and pencil now.

Uh-huh.

465 Van Buren Street.

Apartment 3-C.

Uh-huh.

Oh, dear,
that's awfully early.

You see, my husband
isn't home from work yet,

and I have to give him
his supper and...

I'll make it as soon as I can.
Uh, g-good-bye.

( nervous chuckle )

Hi, sweetie.

Hello.

Who were you talking
to on the phone?

Oh, that?
That was nobody, Ralph.

That was a wrong number.

Oh, a wrong number?

Uh-huh.

Guess you get a lot
of wrong numbers

now that you got
a phone, huh?

Yes, you'd be surprised.
Uh-huh.

Well, uh, your
supper's ready.

How about eating?

I'm not hungry yet.

You're always hungry

as soon as you come
home from work, Ralph.

Yeah, I know,
but I thought tonight

I'd just sit down and relax
a little bit before I ate.

All right,
you just relax.

Are you hungry yet?

What is this big rush
to get me to eat?

But there isn't
any rush, Ralph.

I just know it's your
lodge meeting night,

and you always like
to get there on time.

Oh. Well, I'll go in
and put my uniform on.

All right.

Uh-huh.

Here's your
juice, Ralph.

You can come
on over and...

There you go.

Better eat your soup
while it's hot.

It's too hot to eat.

Oh, well, then you
shouldn't eat it

if it's that hot.

Here, dear.

Here you go.

What would you like
for dessert, Ralph?

Dessert?
Yeah.

Look, why don't you give me
some Corn Flakes and cream,

and we can take care of
tomorrow's breakfast, too,

while we're at it.

What is this rush?

Was I rushing you?

Were you rushing me?

What have you
got to do

that you want me to
hurry up like this?

Well, all right, Ralph,

I might as well
tell you the truth.

I know it's your
lodge meeting night,

so there's a movie
that I want to see,

and I just thought I'd
catch the early show.

Oh, you're going
to a movie?
Uh-huh.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Maybe I won't go
to the lodge meeting tonight.

I'll go to the movie with you.

Oh, no, Ralph,
I wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't disturb your
going to the lodge
meeting for the world.

And besides, you
wouldn't like this movie.

What's the name of it?

It's, uh...

( chuckling ):
I don't know.

Oh, you're right,
I'd hate that one.

Ralph, I mean,
I don't know the
name of the movie,

but, you know,
it's a love story,

and I know you have no
interest in love stories.

I guess maybe you're right.

Well, go ahead.
I don't want to hold you up.

Oh, you're a dear,
Ralph.

Have a good time.

Thank you, darling,
I will.

I bet you will.

Norton!

Norton!

What do you want, Ralph?

Come on down!

( yells )

What are you
trying to do,

give me a heart
att*ck or something?

Make some noise when
you walk in here.

Where's Alice?

Where's Alice?

She went over to see
Harvey Wohlstetter.

That's where she is.

She told you that?

Oh, no,
she didn't say that.

Made up some lie about
going to the movies, you know.

Didn't even know
the name of it.

What're you gonna do?

I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do.

I got his address out
of the telephone book.

I am now going over
and take him apart,

piece by piece.

And when I finish
with that snake in the grass,

I'm gonna tell Alice
once and for all,

that's it, I never
want to see her again.

I got along without her
before I got married to her,

and I'll get along
without her again.

Let's just say, it's all over,
it's through, done with.

Norton, I don't want
to lose her.

Well, I hope
he doesn't lose her.

She's such a good cook.

Well, here's
to you, Helen.

May the next ten
years be as wonderful

as these have been.

( doorbell rings )

Mm, I'll get it.

Mrs. Kramden?
Yes.

Come in, won't you?
Uh-huh.

I'm Harvey Wohlstetter.
This is my wife, Helen.

Hello.
Hello.

I'm sorry if
I've kept you.

Oh, no, th-that's fine,
that's fine.

Look, sweetie,
we better go, huh?

All right, Mrs. Kramden,

I'll look and see if
Harvey Jr.'s still awake.

He's sound asleep.

You know, he always
sleeps right through.

You won't have any
trouble with him at all.

Well, I'll look in on him
later, anyway.

Good.

Have a good time.

Thank you very much.

Good night.
Good night.
Night.

( doorbell rings continuously )

Aha!

Well!

Ralph, what are
you doing here?

What am I doing here?

Don't you think the shoe
should be on the other foot?

I don't have to ask you
what you're doing here.

Well, isn't this cozy.
Cocktail time, huh?

Well, where is he?

Where is who?

Where is Harvey?

Harvey?!

Yeah. Harvey.

I want to see Harvey.

( yelling ):
Come on out of
there, Harvey!

Come on, Harve!

I know you're in there, Harvey!

Ralph, you're making
a very big mistake.

I am? Wait till
you see the mistake...

If you'll just let me
explain this...
I make out of Harvey!

If you don't come out
of there, Harvey,

I'm coming in after you!

Come on, Harve!

Happy?

You happy now,
you woke him up?

What is that?

That's Harvey
Wohlstetter, Jr.

I'm taking care of him.

You mean,
you're baby-sitting?

That's right, baby-sitting.

Come on, sweetheart,
go back to bed.

Gee, I never knew
Davy Crockett was so fat.

( door closes )

Guess I made
a little mistake.

You don't have
to say anything, Ralph,

because most of this
was my fault.

I never should've tried
to hide it from you.

I just thought that
if I did a little baby-sitting

a few nights a week, I could pay
for the phone myself.

That way you wouldn't have
the worry of the added expense.

But I never should've done it
without telling you.

Ah...

you were right, honey.

You're always right.

It's just unfortunate

that you got
a clam like me

for a husband,
that's all.

I don't know what's
the matter with me.

I don't think
there's anybody

that's got a better
wife than I got.

But I got to run around

acting like a
maniac all the time,

screaming,
accusing, yelling.

I only do it
for one reason:

I'm so much in love
with you that...

the slightest thing
makes me jealous.

Just thinking of you
looking at another guy...

drives me nuts.

Ralph, we have
a phone now,

so you can call and tell me
as often as you want.

Baby, you're the greatest.