Ralph.
Hello, Ralph. Ralphie boy.
Hi, Ed.
Hi, there, Alice.
Ralph isn't home yet.
Not home yet?
Kind of late, isn't it?
Well, he'll be home
in a little while.
He stopped off at the doctor's
on his way home from work.
The doctor's?
Anything wrong?
Well, nothing serious, Ed.
It's just that...
Well, have you noticed
in the last couple of weeks
how Ralph's been
flying off the handle
at the slightest
little thing
and he's been so nervous
and irritable lately?
So, uh, "nervous and
irritable lately"?
Alice, let's face it,
he's never been 100%
in the laugh department
or the happy department.
I can't even remember
when I seen him smile.
Last time I seen his teeth's
was when he was trying
to bite me.
( barks ) Oh, boy.
Well, it was on account
of that nervousness
I thought he should
go to the doctor.
I figured maybe the doctor
could give him something,
you know, that
would calm him down.
Well, maybe he can.
Hiya, honeybunch.
Hi, Ralph.
And some sweets
for the sweet.
Oh, thanks, Ralph.
And how are you,
my pal-o-mine?
Well...
Alice, I think the doctor's
doing pretty good so far.
Mr. Hyde here is fast
becoming Dr. Jekyll.
What'd the doctor
say, Ralph?
Alice, that doctor
is a genius.
An absolute genius.
I am never going to be nervous
for the rest of my life.
Well, what did he do?
It's so simple that
you're not gonna believe it.
You're not gonna believe this!
He gives me an examination, see,
and he says
the reason that I'm nervous
is because I get aggravated.
He says, you know, "you get
aggravated
and right away blow your top
and you get nervous."
So he gives me a little
thing to say,
that whenever I'm steamed up,
I say this little thing,
and I'm not nervous.
Well, like what?
As I said, you're not
gonna believe this.
Here it is, he says whenever
I get steamed, I say this:
"Pins and needles,
needles and pins...
...it's a happy man
that grins."
Then I smile to myself.
And then I say,
"What am I mad about?"
And it works. I couldn't think
of what I was mad about!
And I've been aggravated
several times tonight.
Really?
You mean you
tried it out already?
Why, certainly.
I was aggravated
as soon as the doctor
gave me the bill.
But to really test it,
to really test it,
I came home from the doctor's
on the subway.
And I want to tell you
something.
If you want to test
a cure for aggravation,
just get on the subway.
Oh, yeah.
That is the Aberdeen
proving grounds.
I wasn't in there five minutes
before I was aggravated
a million times.
Some dame had an umbrella
under her arm,
kept poking me in the ribs.
Another guy was carrying a rose
bush, sticking it in my face.
Another guy had a piece of wood
on his shoulder, hitting me
in the back of the neck
every five seconds.
But I just stood there,
just stood there,
and I said, "pins and needles,
needles and pins,
it's a happy man that grins."
Then I smiled and I said,
"What am I mad about?"
And believe it or not,
I just couldn't think
what I was mad about.
I'll never be nervous again.
Oh, I'm so happy, Ralph!
Well, suppose you get my supper,
I'll go in and wash up.
All right.
Well, what do
you think, Ed?
Well, let me tell you,
Alice,
that if this pins
and needles thing works,
and really calms Ralph down,
I think that it should be
presented to the UN
as the greatest instrument
known for peace in our time.
( knock on door )
Come in.
Oh, Mr. Johnson.
How do you do, Mrs. Kramden.
Hello, Mr. Norton.
Hey, Johnny boy.
Aren't you a little early
this month, Mr. Johnson?
Yeah, you're not due for
a week to collect the rent.
Well, I'm just not
collecting the rent.
I'm just going
around the building
and giving out
these notices.
Oh.
Uh, what's it say, Alice?
I have one for you,
too, Mr. Norton.
Oh.
Mr. Johnson!
This notice says
you're raising the rent.
It does? I hope mine
don't say the same thing.
Well...
You see, Mrs. Kramden, I went
down to the rent commission,
and they gave me permission
to raise the rent 15%.
My reasons are right there
in that notice.
I knew this would happen
as soon as the w*r ended.
I've gotta be going now.
I've got to give these out
to the rest of the building.
RALPH:
Hey, hiya, Johnson.
You're just the guy
I want to see!
This is perfect.
Well, I'm very busy...
Look, I have noticed,
Mr. Johnson,
that you're
a very nervous guy.
You know, you just can't
calm yourself.
Every time you come up here
to speak to me,
you get upset and nervous.
Well, pal, I got
the greatest cure
for aggravation
that was ever invented!
Well, Mr. Kramden, I...
It'll only take a minute,
might change
your entire life.
Now, look, if you ever
get nervous, see,
and you're aggravated,
all you have to do is say,
"Pins and needles,
needles and pins,
it's a happy man that grins."
Then you put on a big smile,
and you say to yourself,
"What am I mad about?"
And believe me,
you won't be able
to remember
what you're mad about.
I just wish I had something
to aggravate me
right now to show you
how it works.
Here you are, Ralph.
Maybe this'll do the trick.
All right, a little test.
Pins and needles,
needles and pins...
it's a happy man that grins.
See that? Look, look, see?
Boy, it's working
like a charm.
Look at him, nice,
how nice he's smiling. Good.
Now, what am I mad about?
They raised
the rent 15%.
( shouting ):
Pins and needles!
Needles and pins!
It's a happy man that grins!
See that, Alice?
Mr. Johnson, there is
a perfect example
of how this pins and
needles thing works.
He fought a battle with
himself, he fought this battle,
and he won the battle!
Now he's gonna go in there
for a few seconds,
and he'll think it over,
get calm, cool and collected,
and in a couple of seconds,
he's gonna come
out here refreshed,
with a new lookout on life.
Wait till you see now.
One, two...
You...!
...are not gonna get a dime!
Not one thin dime
are you gonna get!
Wait a minute,
Ralph, Ralph...
Pins and needles,
needles and...
Ah, shut up with that!
You've got some crush,
Johnson, some crush,
coming up here,
trying to raise our rent.
You should be
lowering our rent!
Just a minute, Mr. Kramden.
The rent commission just
didn't give me this.
I had to prove hardship!
Prove hardship?
What did you use for evidence?
A picture of this dump?
Ralph, it is not worth
getting aggravated about.
It only amounts
to five dollars a month.
Get a load of
Mrs. Vanderbilt!
"Only amounts to
five dollars a month"?
Five dollars a month!
Do you realize how many times
I got to drive that bus
up and down Madison Avenue
to make five dollars?
Will you answer
me one question?
What're we gonna
do about it?
Let's just pay it,
that's all.
There's nothing else to do.
That's right,
you've just got to pay it.
You're not getting
an extra cent out of me.
Well, anybody
who doesn't pay it
is just going to go
out on the street!
Is that so?
Well, suppose I lock
myself in here.
Then how are you gonna
put me out?
Then how are you
gonna put him out?
Lock yourself in here.
See how you like living
in here without any water.
Or any heat!
Or any gas!
Or any electricity!
Because if you lock
yourself in here,
I'm going to shut them off.
You wouldn't dare.
You're bluffing!
Just see if I'm bluffing.
I'll see, all right.
I'll see.
Ha! He doesn't scare me.
He's bluffing.
Ralph, you're not
serious about this?
I was never more
serious in my life.
I know a bluff
when I see a bluff.
He's a bluffing bluffer,
bluffer.
You can say that again.
Bluff.
Don't worry.
When Norton and I lock ourselves
up in our apartments,
we'll see who's bluffing!
You're so right.
When me and you
lock ourselves in...
Hey, wait a minute.
I thought you was
in this by yourself.
What do you mean,
in it by myself?
You and I have
to fight for a cause.
Don't forget, if we both lock
ourselves in our apartments,
we're stronger.
In unity, there is strength.
But I don't wanna
lock myself in my apartment.
Ralph, you don't mean
you're really gonna
go through with this
and you're gonna drag this
poor soul into it with you?
I certainly do, and that's
my final word on it.
He's bluffing and
I'll prove it to you.
Ralph, this is just
plain crazy!
Yeah, he's gonna shut off
the gas, electricity,
hot water, heat.
It's crazy, Ralph!
BOTH:
Pins and needles,
needles and pins,
a happy man is
a man who grins.
( growling )
Ralph....
Keep moving,
just keep moving.
But I'm so tired
and so cold!
I don't care how tired
you are, keep moving.
I'm frozen!
We once stop,
we're goners.
I'm dead.
Come on, Ralph!
Come on, let's keep moving.
We'll make it too easy
for the men in
the white coats to catch us.
Oh!
Come on, Ralph.
Let's give this up.
Do you realize
we've been freezing to death
in this apartment
for three days?
We haven't had
any heat, any gas,
any water, any electricity.
And now you got this crazy
barricade up here, Ralph.
We can't even go out
and buy any food.
Do you realize that the ice
box is practically empty?
I am not giving up, Alice.
I'm not giving up!
Boy, you k*ll me.
A few inconveniences,
right away you want to quit.
This is w*r, Alice. w*r!
w*r!
It's got to be run
like a w*r.
Don't forget, Washington
at Valley Forge
didn't have
any conveniences, either.
He was fighting for
a cause the same way I am.
He didn't give up, and
I'm not gonna give up.
I'm exactly like Washington
at Valley Forge.
Not exactly, Ralph.
George did not have
Martha with him.
I'm here, Ralph.
Martha was home in a nice,
warm house in Mount Vernon.
Now, get this through
your head, Ralph,
and get it straight.
I'm getting out
of here right now!
You are going nowhere.
There will be no deserters
in this army.
This is w*r, Alice. w*r.
And I'm the general.
The general! I'm running
the whole thing here.
Just remember that.
You're a private.
You got nothing to say.
Nothing!
I'm the general.
What I say goes!
Then you better say
"Alice," 'cause I'm going.
Now, wait a minute.
I'm telling you now,
I just can't
understand you, Alice.
Every time I try
to do something,
I get no backing from you.
You never get behind me.
Other husbands do things,
they can always
be assured
of their wives
standing behind them.
Why can't you stand
behind me?
Oh, it's not
my fault, Ralph.
There just isn't
enough room back there.
( grumbles )
Ho-ho!
Bang, zoom!
You and your wisecracks.
You don't understand, Alice.
This isn't a fight, Alice.
That's not what I care about,
the fight, Alice.
It's the principle
of the thing.
Sure, it's five dollars now.
We pay this five dollars,
ten years from now,
they'll raise our rent
another five dollars.
Ten years after that,
it'll go up another
five dollars.
Don't you understand?
That's why I can't give up.
Oh, well, now,
I understand, Ralph.
I didn't know you were
planning on staying here
in this apartment
for the next 20 years!
Why, if I'd known
that, Ralph,
that changes
the whole picture.
Now I'm entirely in favor
of not giving up!
I'd rather freeze
to death right now!
And speaking of freezing,
your half hour is up
so just hand it over.
What do you mean,
my half hour is up?
It hasn't even been
five minutes yet.
You've had it
a half an hour!
Five minutes.
A half an hour, so just hand
it over, George Washington.
Doesn't make any difference.
It's cold now, anyway.
And don't let me catch you
drinking a drop of that water.
We gotta conserve it.
Oh, I wouldn't think
of it, Ralph.
I'm saving it
for Sunday dinner.
( pounding on door )
Oh...
A-ha. Thought
I was nuts, huh?
Thought I didn't know
what I was doing?
I told you he was bluffing.
All right, Johnson,
is that you out there?
It's me, Norton.
Norton?
What is that idiot
doing out of his apartment?
What is this idiot doing
in this apartment?
( grumbles )
I hereby claim this territory
for the United States in
the name of little America.
What are you doing
out of your apartment?
I'll tell you
what I'm doing.
I come down here to tell you
what I'm doing
out of my apartment.
The w*r is over.
We have met the enemy.
We are theirs.
What are you talking about?
I tell you what
I'm talking about.
The sheriff
and the landlord
were just up to my place
a little while ago.
Said if I didn't sign
the rent increase,
that they'd slap
an eviction notice on me.
I guess they're not bluffing.
An eviction notice?
All right.
Yeah, that's sort of
a printed "out, out, out, out!"
What could I do?
I had to sign it.
Very well,
General Washington.
I shall get your pen
so you can sign
the peace treaty as soon
as the sheriff arrives.
Boy, I'm telling you, Ralph,
frankly, I'm glad
this is over.
I never spent such a miserable
three days in all my life.
I didn't mind being cut off--
electricity, heat,
hot water, that stuff.
But being locked up with
Trixie for three days
is more than I could stand.
Here's your pen, General.
You can sign that the minute
the sheriff gets here.
You sign that
rent increase!
I won't need that pen.
Look out.
What do you think
you're doing?
I'll tell you what
I'm doing.
If the sheriff can't
get in here,
he can't serve
me with an eviction notice.
Oh, boy, Ralph, you've
really cracked up this time.
( pounding on door )
I cracked up, huh?
Ha-ha! There he is. Look out.
Well, is that you, Johnson?
Ready to give up?
JOHNSON:
That's right, Kramden.
And I got
the sheriff with me!
Open up!
You think I'm nuts
or something?
If I open up the door,
you send the sheriff in
and he gives me
the eviction notice.
( laughs )
I'm not opening the door!
Stay in there.
But the sheriff is posting
one of his men
out here in the hall.
And the minute you open
that door,
he's slapping you
with an eviction notice!
And don't try
to sneak out the fire escape!
He'll have a man
out there, too.
Told you, didn't I?
Scared to death.
Well, I would like to wish
you and Alice a lot of luck.
I think you got
a lot of spunk.
What I'm gonna do right now
is get Trixie
and we're going out
and have a steak dinner.
I haven't had a decent
meal in three days.
Where do you think
you're going?
I just told you,
I'm gonna get Trixie,
we're going out
and have some steak!
You're going nowhere.
This is w*r, Norton.
w*r! Total w*r.
And I'm the general
of this army.
Just remember that.
You're nothing but a sergeant.
And you are a private,
so don't say anything!
I am the general!
I am running this thing.
What I say goes.
But I paid
the rent increase.
I don't care.
I'm fighting this w*r for you
as well as I'm fighting it
for myself.
Where are you going, Norton?
Your first sergeant
is going over the hill!
You're going nowhere!
I'm starved! I haven't had
a decent meal in three days!
If you're hungry, there's
nothing to worry about.
Alice'll fix us
something to eat.
Fix us something to eat.
Sure, I'll fix you
some supper.
Get those chairs down.
I'll fix it
right away.
Soon as we eat, we'll
feel much better.
ALICE:
Yep.
You'll feel very good
after something to eat.
You got fingers in your
gloves, fix the silver.
How'd you like some
fingers in your nose?
The general!
All right, boys.
Dig in.
What do you mean, dig in?
Is this all we got?
That's right, General.
The supply boats
just couldn't make it
through the blockade.
You're gonna make it
to the moon, though,
I'll tell you that.
Let's eat our supper.
I don't like celery!
Well, then pretend
it's something else.
I read one time in some book
where a couple of guys were
marooned on an island.
All they had to eat
was coconuts.
They pretended it was
something else
and they got along fine.
Think it might work?
I know it'll work.
All right.
( laughs )
You know what
I'm pretending, Ralph?
I'm pretending I'm eating
a steak dinner.
That's the spirit.
Mm-mm! This steak
is delicious!
Done just the way
I like it.
Particularly with the mushroom
sauce and those onions on top!
What have we here?
An avocado salad pear!
( laughs )
There's some
mashed potatoes and, whoo!
Shut up,
talking like that!
You spilled all the gravy!
I'll spill you
in a minute.
Listen, Ralph.
You can just stop
picking on him.
This wasn't his idea.
You know you started
the whole thing.
So why don't we
just give up?
We're not giving up.
Wait a minute!
I just got the most
brilliant idea of my life.
Wonder what this idea is.
I don't know and
I don't care.
Not only am I hungry, but
I'm freezing to death, Ed.
Well, why didn't
you tell me, Alice?
You can have my coat.
Won't you be cold?
Cold? I'm suffocating.
Get in there.
I am.
Like a bunny in a rug.
Thank you.
All right...
( screams )
Here, tie this
around the table.
Ralph, what are you
doing with those sheets?
Look, Johnson thinks
he's going to outflank me,
but I'm a general
that isn't easily beaten.
Now, he's got a sheriff
outside the door, right?
We can't go out there.
He's got one
outside on the fire escape,
we can't get out there.
But he hasn't got one outside
of the window of our bedroom.
So all we have to do
is throw this out
the bedroom window,
slide down, climb over
the fence
into Freitag
the delicatessen's yard,
go into the back way
of Freitag's,
get all the food we want,
climb back over the fence,
up the sheets,
and into the house and
we got everything to eat.
Ralph, that sounds
very dangerous.
It's a chance
I got to take.
All right, Norton,
slip down this sheet out there.
I'll hold on here.
I'm not going
out the window!
I'm afraid of heights!
I got "heights-o-phobia."
I'm not going.
All right, yellow-belly,
I'll go.
Look out.
Let me know when
you're holding on.
All right.
Oh, Ralph, this is another
crazy idea of yours.
RALPH:
Never mind how crazy
it is! I'm going.
All right, Ralph. Go ahead.
Here I go.
Well,
looks like we go out
and have some steak.
What do you mean?
That Johnson isn't
a bad general himself.
The sheriff had one
of his men stationed
on the street right
below that window, too.
Whew!
Ralph.
You mean to tell me
that you're still
not willing to give up?
I said it before,
and I'll say it again.
That landlord is bluffing.
Bluffing? He's bluffing?
He's put us out
into the street.
Sure, he's put us out
into the street.
That's part of his plan.
That's part of his bluff.
He's trying to scare us.
Well, I don't scare
that easy.
This has gotten way beyond
the five dollars
extra a month.
This is a whole new thing!
This is might
over right, now.
What do you think
we're gonna do, Ralph?
What do you have in mind?
Where are we gonna move
all this furniture to?
We're not gonna
move it anywhere.
We're staying right
here in the street.
On the street?
Yes, on the street.
Look, he owns the apartment.
He's got a right to
put us out of there.
But he doesn't own
the streets, Alice.
They belong to
the taxpayers!
And we're staying
right here!
And as soon as he finds out
that we're
blocking his doorway,
you'll hear him
change his tune!
Don't worry about that.
All right, Ralph.
All right.
You want to continue this
crazy fight of yours
with the landlord,
you go right ahead.
But I don't want
any part of it.
Now, until we move back
into that apartment,
I'm packing my things and
going over to my mother's.
Go ahead.
Just like you
to give up.
Go ahead over to
her warm apartment.
I'll stay here,
I'll hold the fort!
I started this fight
and I'll see it out!
All right.
All right, Alice,
I'm giving up the fight.
I'm going in there and
I'm going to pay him
the five dollar
increase in rent.
But I want you to
understand something, Alice.
It's not 'cause
I want to do it.
It's not because
I'm afraid of the cold
or that I'm hungry.
Or that I'm embarrassed
by being out here.
Don't think it is that,
Alice, 'cause it isn't!
You want to know
what it is?
I'll tell you what it is.
And you know what it is
as well as I know what it is.
You know what it is!
I'll tell you what it is!
Oh, I'll tell you what it is!
You know that I know
how easy you get virus!
Pins and needles,
needles and pins.
A happy woman is
a woman who grins!
01x24 - Please Leave the Premises
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
One of the most beloved sitcoms in TV history that follows the lives of New York City bus driver Ralph, his wife Alice, Ralph's best friend Ed and Ed's wife Trixie as they get involved with various schemes.
One of the most beloved sitcoms in TV history that follows the lives of New York City bus driver Ralph, his wife Alice, Ralph's best friend Ed and Ed's wife Trixie as they get involved with various schemes.