02x05 - Adirondack S3

[bunniefuu]

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[yelling, thudding]

[dramatic music]

- I won't let you do this.

This is Chief Nightpipe's land.

- Last I checked, his name
wasn't on the deed, Remington.

- You white men think
a piece of paper means

you can own Mother Earth.

- That's right.
To you,

the forest on his land
are just a bunch of trees,

but to his people,
those are his grandfathers

and grandmothers.

They lead him along
the Red Road,

and they're not for sale,
Holt.

God damn it,
they're not for sale.

- I guess Nightpipe Junior
didn't get the memo.

We just agreed to terms.

He's rich,
and the land is mine.

- What have you done, my son?

The ancestors are crying.

- I had no other choice.
- You monster.

After all we've done
to erase these people.

Can't you see?

They're noble keepers
of the land.

- If you have anything more
to say,

I suggest you lawyer up.

- He already has.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[eagle cries]

- Ugh.

This is so offensive
and dumb.

Like, I will truly
never understand

why people love this show,

why Indians love this show!

Wait, why are we
watching this show?

- The producers
of "Adirondack,"

a show with a 90% audience
score on Rotten Tomatoes,

have contacted
the Minishonka Nation,

asking for our guidance
on one of their episodes.

First, we offer them
script notes.

Then we say, "Why don't you
sh**t the next season

on our rez, spend some of that
sweet location budget here?"

And then,
before you know it,

everyone wants to film here,

and the all-Native
"Pitch Perfect 7"

gets sh*t in this casino.

- Weird dream,
but this affects me how?

- Pack your bags.

You and I will travel
to New York City

to work on season three
of "Adirondack."

We're gonna be
cultural consultants.

- [groans loudly]

Well, now my ancestors
are crying.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- So Deirdre is due
in six months.

I really want to be prepared,

so I've already read
"Happiest Baby on the Block"

and "What to Expect
When You're Expecting."

- Isn't that last one
for pregnant mothers?

- Yes, and, Reegs,
the female body, oh, my God.

What you guys go through
is heroic.

- Oh.
- A little gross,

but mainly heroic.

- Maybe let Deirdre do
the "birds and the bees" talk

when the kid gets older?
- No way.

They're gonna learn about sex
the same way I did:

watching Cinemax with the sound
off after Mom goes to bed.

- Nice.
Thanks, Jeff.

- Speaking of prestige cable,
how are you feeling

about your
"Adirondack" set visit?

- Uh, not great.

You know, none of their
Native stuff is accurate.

Rob Schneider is not Cayuga.
- Yeah.

- And I did want to let
you know that I am potentially,

possibly,
almost definitely

gonna be seeing Josh
while I'm in New York,

so sorry, actually sorry?
- You know what? It's fine.

Him ruining my life
with that little podcast

was actually good for me.

And there's no way to say that
without sounding sarcastic...

- Yeah.
- But it's true.

By the way, I thought things
were going great with Nelson.

- Oh, yeah.
Josh and I are

strictly buds,
like, totally over it.

And things are
going great with Nelson.

In fact, he texted me
the cutest thing today.

Check it out.

- "You left
your jacket at work."

- I mean, you have
to imagine it in his voice.

- Yeah, yeah.
Jeff!

You got new coffee sleeves.

- Yeah, this is huge for me.

- What does it say?

- Feather Day is
pulling out all the stops,

I mean, this morning, I found
one of her fliers in my bagel.

See?

- Oh, wow.

I mean, she just has
so much money.

How are Bobbie and I supposed
to compete with all this?

- Ugh.
Wish I could help,

but I'll be on a set
in New York,

explaining that a Native man
in 2022

would not wear a loincloth
to his office job.

- Hey, wait a minute.
That's it.

That's how I can raise
some funds for the campaign.

I'll go to New York, too,
hit up Rutherford, Inc.

They'll want
to support Bobbie if it means

protecting
their namesake, right?

- Yeah.
[trash can beeps]

- Vote for Feather Day,

and let's trash
wasteful spending.

- Of course Feather Day
is gonna resort

to cheap garbage puns.

Me?
I refuse.

- Oh!
[both laugh]

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

- How are you so excited
to be here?

This is the place
where Adam Beach dies

in the first 10 minutes
of every movie.

- Yes, Native representation

is, for the most part,
a hate crime.

But this show is
asking for our guidance.

Wouldn't you rather help them
get it right

than simply complain
from the sidelines?

- They just want us
to rubber-stamp their show

so they can keep boomers
glued to their

motion-smoothed TV sets,
no offense.

- First of all, I'm Gen X,
so watch it.

And when I was a kid,
all I had were

Indians being played
by Italians,

getting sh*t off their horses
by white cowboys.

If I'd seen our people
portrayed with dignity,

perhaps I would have nailed

my "Last of the Mohicans"
audition.

- Wait, you auditioned
for "Last of the Mohicans"?

What part?
- One of the Mohicans.

- Eh.
- Point is,

if we want to be
accurately portrayed,

we have to go in there
and fight for it.

- Okay, fine, but--

- Oh, my God,

it's Christopher Meloni's
parking spot.

- [gasps]
And there's Mariska's!

Their cars are friends too!

Okay, this part is legit cool.

- Behold 50 stories
of global commerce.

Bobbie, I present to you
Rutherford, Inc.

- I can't wait to get back at
them for what they did to you.

It'll be just like
this super old show

my babysitter used to watch,
"Scandal."

Espionage, blackmail,
seduction.

m*rder?

- Okay, uh,

we're just gonna go in there

and try to get you
a campaign contribution.

They've got
a huge lobbying operation.

Should be a drop
in the bucket for them.

- [scoffs] Fine.

But if you need me
to seduce anyone,

I would love the practice.

- I don't think
that's gonna be necessary.

All we got to do is
find our old friend Kaitlyn.

She'll hook us up.
- And if she doesn't,

we thr*aten to tell her husband

that she's been having
an affair

with the president
of the United States.

- Absolutely not.
- [scoffs]

[light music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Okay, I see Navajo rugs
from the Southwest,

a canoe paddle from
the North Pacific Coast,

and this is just
from Michael's...on sale.

- And what could be
more Indigenous than Michael's?

- [scoffs]
- Right this way.

- I mean,
it's an investment property,

but the cash flow
is, like, insane.

Oh!
Terry Thomas!

Kwe, kwe!

I'm Cox Whitley.
I'm the showrunner

of this little circus.

Thank you so much
for being here.

We're happy to welcome you
into the 'Rondacks fam.

- Yes, uh. Gwe, Cox.

This is my co-consultant,

who runs a very cinematic
cultural center

on Minishonka land
that'll soon be available

to lease as a set, base camp,
extras holding, whatever.

- Ah, yes. "Raygan" Wells,

the Gipper.
- Oh.

- You know, my dad was actually
Reagan's ambassador to Austria.

- Huh. So cool.
It's "Reegan," actually.

Um, I have a lot of thoughts,
if we could just jump right in,

specifically about
the Minishonka ceremony.

- Oh, time out,
I'm actually not

the one who handles
script notes.

Let me send over my
partner-in-crime/co-EP, cool?

I'm going to do a rat check.
You stay here.

We'll talk soon.

[jaunty music]

- Mm.

- Hey guys, Rye Whitman.

It's a pleasure.

- Oh, hi...

- Hi.
- Um, okay...

Okay.

Uh, yeah, hi,
I have some concerns

about the Minishonka ceremony.

Actually, concern doesn't

quite encapsulate my feelings
about this.

It's more like, ripshit.

- Rye, we take
accurately depicting

Native peoples
on screen very seriously.

We're excited to work with you,
but, for many reasons,

it is unacceptable to portray
a ceremony in this way.

I'm certain you'll make
the right changes.

- Let me just say, we knew
the scene might be contentious.

Yeah?
That's why you're both here.

We are gonna make
all necessary adjustments.

We're one big family here,
so we want to get it right.

♪ ♪

- [sighs]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Melanie.

- Nathan, hi.

- Is Kaitlyn
gonna be back soon, or...

- Oh.
Kaitlyn is no longer with us.

- Oh, no.

Did she OD?

She popped Adderall
like Tic-Tacs.

You can't do that.

- No, she did not die.
She got fired.

- Oh. Why?
- I didn't have

anything to do with it.

- Well, the way
you just said that,

it sounds like you definitely
had something to do with it.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

- Hmm.

- Well, we're here
because I'm running for mayor

of Rutherford Falls.

I know with my leadership,
our town,

the town where this
great company was founded,

can be a shining example
of achievement.

- Exactly, Bobbie,

and with the support
of Rutherford, Inc.--

- I'm gonna stop you
right there.

The company has
begun divesting itself

from any connection
to Rutherford Falls whatsoever,

so we will not
be getting involved.

- That doesn't--what?
That doesn't make any sense.

It's the town where
this whole thing started.

I mean, you share a name,
for God's sake.

- Oh, we will not be
sharing a name for long.

Research has shown
that "Rutherford, Inc."

presents itself as antiquated,
provincial, and mad sus.

We did some testing
at some local middle schools.

In any event,
we paid $13 million

to a consulting company
for rebranding,

and this is the result.

- Zowvis?

- Zivis?

- Zevere? Zivew...

Zoi-yoi.
- What?

- Zoo-viz? Veez?

- That's a weird name.
- It's "Zoovis."

- Mm, I don't think so.

- Zoovee? French.

- The umlaut
makes it an "ow" so,

it's like--if anything,
it's "Zowvis."

- No, "Zoovis."
- Eh, it's "Zowvis."

- It's "Zoovis."
- What's it mean?

- Nothing.
It's nonsense,

but it feels like
it means something,

and that's what's important.

- Wow. Centuries of history
just, like--pfft!

You know?
- Sure.

- I mean, don't get me wrong,
it's cool.

Y-you're moving on,
and that--that's great.

I'm happy for you.

I'm--I moved on too.

It's cool.
- You already said cool.

- Well, that's how cool it is.
[clears throat]

- Look, this company owes its
existence to Rutherford Falls.

- That's it.
That's the point, right?

That's the whole point.

Our humble little burg
is the origin

of this grand,
amazing global corporation.

And it would mean so much
to me, to us,

and to everyone in that town

if you could support
this campaign.

[sentimental music]

- Is any of this
moving the needle for you?

- Hm.

No.

[dramatic music]

- You seem out of place,
Agent Phillips.

Perhaps it's because
this porterhouse costs more

than your home.

- The next home
you'll be residing in, Holt,

is Attica.

Take him away, boys.

- I'll be out by breakfast,
you son of a--

- And...

Cut!
Flying in with notes!

Mark, that's it.
Andy, wrong.

- It's fascinating
to see the process.

- This is so dumb.

Also, not a Minishonka thing,
but Holt knows

that the FBI dude is sleeping
with his wife.

Like, how are they
not addressing that?

It's sloppy storytelling.

- Well, if we're lucky,
you'll be sharing Easter eggs

like that one
at your cultural center as part

of a stop on the "Adirondack"
super-fan bus tour.

- [grunts]
[phone chimes, buzzes]

Hey, uh, you seem
to got this covered.

Mind if I leave a little early?

- This is handled.
[phone chimes, buzzes]

- Thanks.

- Your pages.
- Oh, great.

Amber, could you
have the second AD

get me a new set of cans?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Excuse me, Rye?
- Nope.

Popular mistake.
We actually haven't met.

Alden Whitmer,
producing co-EP.

What can I do for ya, bud?
- Alden.

We've expressed issues
with the script

that were not addressed.

- Okay, lay it on me, fam.

Well, there's still
a ceremony scene,

and there shouldn't be.

- Right, I totally hear

what you're saying on that.

That's why we changed it
to a sacred smoke ritual.

Yeah, it makes it less specific
to the Minishonka.

- Right, but you didn't change
any of the elements.

And now you've also invented
a fake Indigenous custom.

- Ooh, custom!

Is that the fix,
calling it a custom?

These are great pitches, T.

- I want you
to cut it entirely.

- Hmm.
Okay, so the thing is,

that this ceremony, custom,

whatever you want to call it--
it makes our lead, Remington,

realize what's missing
in his life.

It's like,
a major shift in his POV.

Yeah?

And it's gonna help
later in the season,

justify the fact that
Chief Nightpipe adopts him

and makes him
a part of the tribe.

- What?
- Hey, man.

This thing sh**t tomorrow.
It's TV.

Sometimes you got to fudge
things to make it work.

I'm sure you get that, okay?

But it sounds
like after these tweaks,

we got a green light,
right, Ter?

- And that is a wrap,
everybody!

Call time tomorrow at 7:00.
7:00.

♪ ♪

- Hey.
Great to see you.

- So good to see you!
Oh, yeah.

Let's do 'em all. Shake.

A hug.

Fist bump.

- Ah, ending it
on a very weird note.

- Oh, God.

It's so great
to see the actual you,

not pixels.

- Yeah, I know.
You're, like, really here.

You look great.
- Oh, you look great.

I mean, I'm annoyed
at how good you look.

What's the plan?

- I thought that I would show
you around my neighborhood.

- Okay, I'm all yours.

I mean, I'm not all yours.

Like, today I'm yours.

You can't do whatever you want
with me,

but you know what I mean.
- I'm familiar with the phrase.

♪ ♪

- I mean,
I couldn't believe it.

The "just for old times' sake"
argument didn't work at all.

- It's almost like
we can't trust

massive corporations
to do the right thing.

- I wish
Kaitlyn was still there.

She would have
rolled her eyes and said,

"Ugh, what do you want now,
Nathan?"

But then,
after I bugged her long enough,

she would have done what we
wanted just to make me go away.

I really miss her.

- Well, the only thing you
can count on white people to do

is act in
their own self-interest.

- I'm pretty sure
Melanie's South Asian.

- Yeah, we're gonna
let Terry go on that one.

- What would they do
on "Scandal"?

Are either of you willing
to poison a federal judge?

- No.

But you may be on to something.

When your enemy
underestimates you,

when they treat you
like you're invisible,

you're no longer obligated
to play by their rules.

Your only option is
to announce your presence

with such force
that it leaves a mark,

a mark so deep, it scars.

- Even if it means
playing dirty?

- Exactly.

I need to get some sleep.

I got a big day
on set tomorrow.

- And I gotta change
our train tickets.

We're staying another day.

- And I'll go downtown
and hit up Uniqlo.

- Okay.
But then, after that,

we have an old friend to visit.

- It's a ton of steps
because I'm not married

and I don't have kids,

but I'm on my way
to getting my own land...

eventually,
maybe when I'm, like, 50.

- I, obviously,
don't get all the land rules,

um, but doesn't that sound
a tiny bit messed up?

- Yeah, mm-hmm.
Big time, mm-hmm.

I mean, if I say that at home,
I'm pushing against tradition,

uh, but to be clear,
it really sucks.

Hey,
thanks for letting me vent,

and for listening.

- Listening's part of my job.

So...

I have something that
I really want you to see.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- A Natalie Ball exhibit!

Josh, are you freaking
kidding me?

Oh, free wine?
[chuckles]

- Natalie,
I would like you to meet

Reagan Wells, the director

of the Minishonka
Cultural Center.

I met Natalie when
I was up in Portland,

doing a story
on sustainable squid farming.

- It's so nice to meet you.
I am a huge fan.

- Thank you.

Are you in the city
to see my show?

- I wish.

No, I'm actually
just playing hooky

from being
a consultant on "Adirondack."

- Oh, my God,
my mom loves that show.

- So does my dad.
Why?

- Can I show you around?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

♪ ♪

[doorbell rings]

♪ ♪

- Ugh.
What do you want now, Nathan?

- Did I call it, or what?

I mean, word for word.

Look, Kaitlyn,
I know that we've had

our differences in the past,
but I think there's a way that

we might actually be able
to help each other right now.

- Okay.

- So, Kaitlyn,
what have you been up to,

besides vaping and not
throwing away your garbage?

- So much.
Getting into crypto.

- Oh, Kaitlyn, sweetie, no.

- It's great.
- So listen,

we need dirt
on Rutherford, Inc.

You were in the inner circle.
You got to know

some juicy stuff that could
really burn them, right?

- Sure.
Lots of stuff,

but they made me sign an NDA,
and it's pretty airtight.

It's the same one
that Jeremy Piven makes

his hairdressers sign.

Bald.

- [scoffs]

They never had
Nathan sign an NDA. Rude.

- Well, they were
probably just relying

on my blind allegiance
to the Rutherford name.

- Or because they never
looped you in

on anything that mattered.
- Eh, nah, it was...

definitely the name thing.

But you know,
that little oversight

on their part could actually
work to our advantage.

[soft music]

- This has been
such a great day.

I forgot what it's like

to be in a place
where no one knows me.

- Well, I'd like to think
that there's

someone here who knows you.
[chuckles]

Talking on the phone is nice,

but it's just not the same
as actually hanging out.

I really missed you.

- I have too.

- But I've like...

I missed you.

- Oh.

Like, "Missed" me like,
a capital "M," Miss.

- These last few months,

I was an idiot.

It wasn't worth
throwing this away

for some
moderately successful podcast.

♪ ♪

- So if it were
a major success,

it would have been worth it?

- No, I didn't--
I didn't mean it that way.

- But maybe you did?

Because that's what happened.

I mean, I know
we moved on, but...

that really sucked.

- I-I get it.
- I don't know.

Like, would you even tell me
if I left my jacket at work?

- Why--why would I do that?

- That's
a weirdly specific example.

What I mean is,

you made a choice, and...

- Right.

- This is stupid.

We live in
two different places.

We have totally
different lives.

Like, maybe if I lived here,
or you...

- But, we don't.

- Which is why I think
I should go home.

It's a better fit.

[jaunty music]

- Ugh.
What do you want now, Nathan?

- Don't try to butter me up.

It's not as fun
when you say it.

We're here because Bobbie

is gonna be
an incredible mayor.

But in order to get elected,
we need a lot of money,

which you're gonna give us,

or else
some pretty nasty things

are gonna come out
about Rutherford, Inc.

- Isn't that right, Kaitlyn?

- [coughs] Yep.

- Girl, you could have
at least showered.

- Kaitlyn, you signed an NDA.

Are you trying
to make your life even sadder?

Because I don't think
that's possible.

- Kaitlyn did sign an NDA,
but Nathan here didn't.

- And back
when Kaitlyn had your job,

we talked all the time.

- Oh, yeah,
check the call logs.

I honestly can't remember
what we discussed,

but it could have been
anything.

And Melanie, I know
that you know what I know.

- These loose lips
could sink a lot of ships.

- Fine.
I'll call someone in lobbying.

- I think you're gonna
do better than that.

I think you're gonna use
all of your power,

all of your sketchy
discretionary spending,

all of your weird
creative accounting,

which we all know
is money laundering,

to fund
and support my candidate.

- We're not leaving
until you cough it up,

as painful as
it would be to stay,

because your décor sucks.

- Sick burn.
- And you can write me a check

for the same amount, but I'd
like mine payable in MGKoin.

It's Machine g*n Kelly's
cryptocurrency.

- What?
- Oh, Kaitlyn.

No.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- God, Terry.

What the hell?
I leave you in charge,

and suddenly we're in
a John Wayne mushroom trip?

- Isn't it horrific?

You were right, Reagan.

They were never gonna listen
to us,

so my only choice was
to make the show

so glaringly offensive,

no one would be able to ignore
how stupid it is.

- That's...

kinda brilliant.

- Amber,
I think those dream catchers

should have a lot
more jewels on them.

I want to be blinded
by turquoise.

And, the extras saging
the tepees...

I need louder whooping.

Really whoop it up!

Remember,
you were born of the wolf.

- The Gipper returns.
- Hey, Rye.

- It's Cox.
- Don't care.

What about your plan
to bring the production

to Rutherford Falls?

- Some things are
more important than money.

Not many things,
almost nothing.

Some things.

- I'm impressed.

Do you really think
it's gonna work?

- Controversial photos
from the set

of the hit TV show
"Adirondack"

were posted early this morning

by NPR correspondent
Josh Carter,

who was alerted
by unnamed sources

close to the production.

The popular series
is now drawing ire

from Indigenous communities
across the nation.

- There's no excuse,
this day and age,

for showing
an absurdly offensive version

of a Native American ceremony

where a sexy Pocahontas
yells "woo-woo"

on the back
of a stuffed buffalo,

while smoking a sage bundle.

It's unacceptable.

- Get 'em, Sharice...
[door opens]

- Here's your jacket.

I got it cleaned and pressed.

There was a Easter egg Reese's
in the pocket,

and it's September, so...

- Do you want to stay over
at my place tonight?

- Because I cleaned
your jacket?

- No, but kinda.

I'm just really happy
to see you.

- Well, I'm happy
to see you too.

Oh, we can watch
that documentary

about the carbon offset
sl*ve traders of Ecuador.

- Yeah, I'm gonna feel
weird making out during that.

- Well, I, um--
I'm free now.

[Black Belt Eagle Scout's
"My Heart Dreams" plays]

- ♪ Wasting this life ♪

♪ I only want me and you ♪

♪ I look at this life ♪

♪ I only want me and you ♪

♪ My heart dreams ♪

♪ My heart dreams ♪

♪ My heart dreams ♪

♪ My heart dreams ♪

♪ ♪