02x06 - 02x06 - Halloween

[bunniefuu]

[ANIMAL HOWLS, UPBEAT MUSIC]

Hey, check it out.

- Very spooky menu.
- [LAUGHS]

I still can't believe
how much you love Halloween.

It's like the Super Bowl
for cultural appropriation.

Yeah, you can see it that way, but for me,

Halloween is about
celebrating our trickster side.

Besides, pumpkins are Indigenous,

even the white ones.

[SCOFFS] I guess.

I mean, for me, Halloween's like, meh.

At best, you get some candy.

At worst, I'm tipsy in a bar

ripping a store-bought
headdress off some idiot.

- Not gonna lie.
- That mental image is a turn-on.

- Oh.
- Oh, by the way,

I need some help getting into
my hot dog costume tomorrow.

There's a lot of zippers.

That mental image... less of a turn-on.

Hmm.

[LAUGHS]. Look at that.

Boo-berry muffins.

- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES] That's great.

Frankenburger. You get it?

- I do.
- Yeah?

Who comes up with this stuff? Jeez.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[STEADY BANJO MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Who's there? I have a g*n!

- Oh! Oh, Deirdre, it's Nathan.
- Please don't sh**t.

Nathan! Oh, my God.

I am so sorry I startled you.

Um, were you going to att*ck
a burglar with a massage g*n?

If this hits your temple at close range,

your brain will be fatally vibrated.

What are you doing here?

I gave you that spare key for emergencies.

Yes, but, uh, i-in my defense,

the state of modern crib manufacturing

is an emergency,

which is why I handcrafted this one.

Wow. You made that?

Yeah.

Not what I had
on my registry, but very nice.

Yeah, it's white oak.

It's from a tree that fell in my backyard...

on your birthday, but I just...

I want this baby to have the best.

Even if it means committing
some light B and E?

I did not go about this in a good way.

And I see that now. I'm super sorry.

I also made that zucchini bread you like,

but, honestly, it all just feels

like a big overstep,
so I'll just get out of here.

No, that can stay.

- The baby loves it.
- Oh, the baby loves it?

Yes, the baby.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Mayor Chisenhall?

Rutherford PD checking in.

When I thought you were an intruder,

- I may have called the cops.
- Yeah, that tracks.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Mayor Chisenhall?

That sounds like Callahan,
and he loves my zucchini bread.

- Do you mind... [STAMMERS]
- Oh.

You know what? I'll just handle it.

Mm-hmm.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC]

- [CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
- [CHUCKLES]

You have Halloween plans?

Oh, uh, no, not really.

Son, don't insult us.

You're cool, just like your mom and me were.

Cool kids always have plans.

How come you guys never bug Maya like this?

Because she's a nerd. There's no need to.

If she wasn't in Alberta

doing a cultural exchange program

with the Blood Tribe,
we'd be on her like this.

Fine. I'm going trick-or-treating...

with a girl.

No way. We know that move.

Tell your parents
you're out trick-or-treating,

but you're really in the woods
with your pageant friends

doing whippits.

Or using your fake ID to get
into a real-estate seminar.

Uh, okay, obviously,
that's stuff you guys did.

We're just going trick-or-treating.

So who's the girl?

And remember,
I know everyone at your school.

Well, until you're more comfortable sharing,

you're passing out candy
with your mom tonight.

Ugh, I thought you said you guys were cool.

Half of parenting is lying, Jimmy.

Grow up.

Breaking into a woman's home
to bake and woodwork?

Not your best move, bud.

That crib was a handcrafted gesture of love,

and also...

- the totally wrong move.
- [CHUCKLES]

- And I see that now.
- I'm gonna give her some space.

Wait. You built her a crib from scratch?

- Yeah.
- sh**t.

I've got some nieces you should meet.

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

You should come to Wayne
and Sally's Halloween party

with Nelson and I...

- Take your mind off things.
- Okay.

So, that Nelson... is he your man?

He sure is.

We're even going in
a couple's costume this year.

He's a hot dog, and I'm ketchup.

If I were years younger,
you'd have to watch your back.

- Whoa.
- [LAUGHS]

Nelson's a catch.

Do you know how hard it is
to find a man with a good job

that doesn't lie about his height?

His ponytail isn't thin either.

If I were years younger,
I'd be all over him.

[GIGGLES]

Okay, they seem to know
a lot about your boyfriend.

- Yeah.
- It's brutal out here.

There's, like, eight women
for every Native man.

Mm. But that Nelson...

If I were ten years younger,
it'd be a done deal.

- Wow, okay.
- We get it.

[LAUGHTER]

So we can secure an endorsement

from the teachers union
if I agree to take down

my "Overheard at Rutherford High" account.

Terry, are you listening?

I know you hate Lincoln,

but you can't hate this contour.

Jimmy's being weirdly cagey about a girl

he's possibly dating,
and my wife is hell-bent

on trying to figure out
who she is, so now I have to...

- Found her.
- What? How?

My friend follows someone

who went on a camping trip with Jimmy,

and there was a pic of him
with this girl in it,

but her profile was private.

So I found the same tagged pic

in a different friend's public account,

which led me to a Spotify play list

that was % Dua Lipa.

That play list was followed by my nail tech,

who confirmed your son
is dating her client, Emma.

She's a sophomore with great skin...

Native, goes to school in town.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Oh, and just accepted a request

for my account posing
as Harry Styles' personal chef.

Nice work, Bobbie.

Remind me to tell you
about an old business associate

I'm almost certain faked his own death.

Would love for you to look into it.

Oh, here's some drama.

Jimmy's dating Feather Day's daughter?

Ooh, my nail tech is gonna flip!

[HIP-HOP MUSIC]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ ♪

- [SNIFFS] Damn, Nelson.
- You even smell like a hot dog.

Nathan, why do you have a microphone?

Oh, uh, the Janet Jackson headset

makes me "pop" corn guy.

- I'm leaning into my persona.
- And I squirt real ketchup.

- Nathan helped me with the rig.
- Oh, yeah.

This thing squirts two gallons.

Very cool.

Y'all are wack.

- [CELL PHONE CHIMES, VIBRATES]
- Oh, it's Deirdre.

"Nathan, where did you get
that charcuterie plate

you brought over?"

Uh... [CHUCKLES]

"It was homemade."

Oh, do you think I should pop
over with a refill?

No. I think you should stop popping over.

Totally.

But think about my unborn baby
starving for smoked gouda.

And it's probably a good opportunity

to apologize for before.

Two birds!

B-R-B.

- That was the wrong move.
- Yeah, I know. He does that.

- We look great, though.
- Right?

- Let's 'Gram it out.
- Yeah.

Hold up! Wait for us.

Wow, we look like
the hot dog station at Costco.

Yeah, it's almost too perfect
to be a coincidence.

Well, you inspired me at the beading circle.

Then Chloe told us
all about your amazing costume.

Then we both got real inspired, too.

You hear that?

Our craftsmanship inspired them.

- [GIGGLES]
- Yeah.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Oh! Oh, no, no... Ah!

- [GRUNTING]
- Nathan?

Oh. Hey, Dierdre.

Ah, I'm so sorry.

I brought this charcuterie board

to say sorry for the whole
crib thing, and I just...

Please don't call the cops.

I can't get a mug sh*t in this corn costume.

So you apologize for stopping by unannounced

by stopping by unannounced?

Yes.

Oh, your parents are here.

- Hi, Mrs. Chisenhall.
- You were right, James.

The deadbeat is here.

[LAUGHING] Deadbeat.

Is that, like, a funny nickname or what?

I kind of told my parents
you don't want anything

to do with me or the baby.

But thanks for this.

Um, excuse me. Why would you do that?

My parents are insanely judgmental.

The idea that I would choose
to be a single mom

will not be acceptable to them in the least.

So, instead of having
to actually tell them...

It's just easier to let them hate me.

Thanks for being an ally?

- [SIGHS]
- Look who it is.

Let this fool in.

Oh, no, Dad, we don't need to.

I want to see if he's
as corny as that costume.

Unless you're planning to run
out on my little girl again.

[SIGHS]

I guess it's the perfect time
to meet the parents.

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

Oh, my goodness. There you are.

Where's my daughter, Terry?

At your home, maybe school,

probably any place other than a casino.

- Nice chatting with you.
- Hey!

My innocent daughter took off

with your rugged-ass son after school

before I could pick her up...
That's kidnapping!

Feather, not everything is a crisis.

[SIGHS]

My well-behaved son is at home

passing out candy with Renee.

Let me just...

She doesn't know where he is.

[GASPS]

You know, I had a dream last night

of a Japanese fighting fish in a fishbowl,

and it was just staring at me.

I should've known.

I should've known something bad was coming.

It kind of looked like you.

Oh, boy.

This is not the outfit I was
hoping to meet your parents in.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

I kind of feel like
tucking it in was a weird move.

I'm just gonna go,
like, Peter Pan style, right?

More of a tunic look.

Ah, it's... it's fine.

And, you know, maybe these stretchy pants

can help us all remember to be flexible

about any assumptions
we've made about one another.

Nathan, I'm begging you.

Can you just let these people
hate you for one night

for my benefit, please?

- Here you go, sweetie.
- Thank you, Daddy.

There you go.

[THUDS LOUDLY]

Oh, uh, thank you so much.

Um...

does this need to be heated or...

- Oh, did I forget?
- [CHUCKLES]

Kind of like how you forgot
to wear a condom.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.

Uh... [SCOFFS] I didn't forget.

I just... the only contraceptive
in the museum that night

was an old dried-up piece
of lambskin from the s,

but that was display only, so...

[CLEARS THROAT]

You don't want to hear about that.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey, Reagan.

- Where's your hot dog?
- [SIGHS]

He's, like, stuck in a flirt circle.

We got tradish relish, sexy Sriracha.

I'm not really sure
what mustard's deal is, but...

It's like they don't know
he has a girlfriend.

Man, you know these condiments ain't loyal.

- [SCOFFS]
- Besides...

it's nice of Nelson
to give me the night off.

Oh, God, you're married.

Yeah, but I can't help
I have this animal magnetism.

- Mm-hmm.
- Women are just constantly

undressing me with their eyes.

'Sup, Vanessa? Schwing.

Ew.

- Okay.
- Wow.

- Party on, ketchup.
- Party on, Wayne.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Reegs.
- Hey, Ray.

- Hey, can I have some ketchup?
- Ah, sure.

- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

- How you been?
- Huh?

Sorry.

Just keeping my eyes on my boyfriend.

[CHUCKLES]

- So that's Nelson?
- Mm-hmm.

My mom says he's a real nice guy.

Oh, yeah, she's a big fan...

Her and all the other ladies on the rez.

Well, he better watch out,

or I'll have to rough him up.

[LAUGHS] Okay.

- [WOMEN LAUGHING]
- Excuse me.

- Oh, don't leave.
- I'm sorry. Excuse me.

♪ ♪

Who's that talking to Reagan over there?

Oh, that's her ex.

Sorry I'm late.

Driving here was literally terrifying.

Are you a Dementor?

Kim Kardashian at the Met Gala.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

That's the podcaster?

No, that's Ray.

This is Josh.

Why do you have his photo on your phone?

Because he looks like this.

Are all of her exes models?

I mean, Reagan sucks,

but she's still a strong,
independent Native woman.

She loves them and leaves them quick.

I'm sure you'll be different.

♪ ♪

[MELLOW MUSIC]

- Feather.
- Renee.

I'm only here
because I want my son home safe

and nowhere near your daughter.

- He's a senior.
- My baby girl is a sophomore.

The age gap is basically almost illegal.

Ladies, let's please focus.

Renee, do you still have

the location app on Jimmy's phone?

You have a tracker on your kid?

So you know he's a derelict.

Hmm.

They're headed to
the convenience store, I think.

I regret even saying this,

but I think it's best we drive together.

- [SCOFFS]
- Work as a team to find them.

- I call shotgun.
- Try it, and I break your arm.

[TRUCK DOOR OPENS]

[SILVERWARE CLANKING LIGHTLY]

Have you called Al
about setting up that yet?

Kind of focused on my pregnancy, but I will.

Okay, because you know it's all on you.

- This one won't be of any help.
- Oh, God, no.

Yeah, I definitely have not researched

which states have the best plans.

Don't even have a dime to my name.

Lost it all on the ponies.

Betting, not riding.

- We understood.
- This is starting to thaw.

I think I'm gonna get into this in a minute.

I'm excited about it.

Hey, where do you think our kid
is gonna go to college?

Well, Stanford, like Dee-Dee.

- Wait. Whoa. Dee-Dee?
- Please never call me that.

Okay.

Well, I just hope the kid has her brains,

'cause I'm an idiot. [LAUGHS]

Didn't even get my GED.

Failed right out of juvie... nile hall.

What are you talking about?

You can't fail out of juvenile hall,

plus you two went to the same
high school together.

Right, you tried to read that Dr. Seuss poem

at graduation, but your voice kept cracking.

Well, it was an emotional day.

And if you can read "Horton Hears a Who!"

Without shedding a tear,
you have a heart of stone.

You know, they never mentioned

any juvie stint on that podcast you were on.

Wait, you guys listen
to "American Powder Keg"?

Every episode.

So we know all we need to know about you.

- And none of it is good.
- [SIGHS]

- Glad to get out of there.
- I'm sure you agree.

- Hey, Reagan.
- Hey, Ray.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, what's up?

- Hey.
- Name's Nelson.

Ray. Firm handshake. Where you from?

- [SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE]
- Dakota territory.

You might of heard of my peoples...

Zitkala-Sa, John Trudell.

We invented jump roping.

Right.

It's a lot of pressure being so prominent.

I'm guessing that's not
something you can relate to.

Why's that?

Oh, you know, small tribes
sometimes feel inadequate.

I bet your tribe's real big.

Sriracha, why don't you put yourself

back in your g*dd*mn bottle?

Such dirty talk. I try to keep it classy.

I'm always representing for my people.

Minishonka are small, but we have one

of the most complicated
clan systems of any tribe.

Well, that's cool. We k*lled Custer.

Really? No Dakota's
ever mentioned that before.

It does come up a lot.

And for good reason. It's really important.

Can one of you help start the bonfire?

Wayne can't find the starter log.

- Don't tell them that!
- I'll do it.

Minishonka are naturally
very good fire starters.

So are my people, and you know what?

We don't use starter logs.

Ooh.

Cool.

- Real cool.
- The coolest.

Ice cold, baby.

Right, can one of you just do it?

Ugh.

[LAUGHS] If you had just moved the statue

or, better yet, taken it down,

you'd still have your job and your dignity.

Sure, but, uh, I mean,
it's not really that simple.

And what was up with bragging
about the first white baby?

Oh, that was a great episode.

- The caucasity was astounding.
- [LAUGHS]

So, in that episode, I was
actually trying to cut, like...

Yeah, but, I mean, hey.

What can I say? I'm a boob.

I mean, imagine how we felt

when we found out that our daughter

is having "pop" corn guy's baby.

[LAUGHS]

Isn't there a German word
for secondhand embarrassment?

Fremdschamen.

- Yes.
- Okay.

But since then, Nathan's been
trying to make things right.

How? By hiding from his responsibilities?

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Okay...

the truth is, Nathan's not a deadbeat,

and he is not the guy
the podcast made him out to be.

He's a good guy.

We're not together by my choice,

and I didn't want to hear
your opinions on that.

But here we are. So go ahead.

Lay 'em on me.

♪ ♪

Dee-Dee, we support you.

- You do?
- Yes.

You've always done things your own way,

but you've always come out on top.

Did you just support and compliment me?

[LAUGHS] Nathan, I'm glad
you're here to be a witness.

Stop. We are not that bad.

- Eh...
- And even with a baby,

you can still meet someone at your level.

- No offense.
- Are you sure about that?

Whether it's alone, or with this lost clown,

how you raise your child is your choice.

Besides, nowadays everyone
is doing their own thing.

I read in "Parade" magazine

that Shonda Rhimes
has kids without a husband.

- Right.
- And nannies can be men now.

They're call "mannies." That's so clever.

Mm.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC]

Hey! Yous need to back up off my man.

Or what?

I haven't thought that part through yet.

Face it... you don't have what it takes

to keep a man like Nelson.

You're not even tradish enough.

We've all seen your uneven beadwork.

- [WOMEN SHRIEK, CROWD GASPS]
- Oh, girl, no.

♪ ♪

- [CROWD OHS]
- Oh, damn.

Reagan's gonna die tonight.

[LAUGHS] Guys, I'm sorry.

This is totally stupid, right?

[GRUNTS] What should I do?

Fall on the ground and play dead.

- Ah, no, don't do that.
- It'll make it so much worse.

Yeah, you hit the ground,
and it's over for you.

Nelson, we got to go now.

- Just one more minute!
- I only need seconds!

I need ten seconds!

[BOTH SHOUTING]

[GASPS] Oh, no.

His phone must've d*ed.
His dot just disappeared.

[SIGHS] My contact at Rutherford PD

doesn't have any updates.

Of course you'd be friends
with a cop, bootlicker.

- Excuse me?
- Let me call my contact.

[DEVICE BEEPS]

- Ow!
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]

- Hey, Terry.
- Get away!

- I don't have much time.
- Reagan's in a rez fight.

Oh, tell her if she
hits the ground, it's over.

Listen, I need your help finding Jimmy.

He was last seen...

- Found him.
- Emma just posted on her Finsta.

They're in town holding
bags of candy near Big Larry.

Just texted you some screen sh*ts.

- Okay, got to go.
- Back up!

- [WOMAN GASPS, CROWD OOHS]
- Oh.

Cover your face.

Apparently they were actually
just trick-or-treating.

[SIGHS]

How did we raise such dorks?

- Do you even want kids?
- You're a waste of a bloodline.

- Kids don't define women.
- You're being toxic!

- [ALL GRUNTING]
- Yeah!

I did it. I did a fight.

You guys win.

Listen, this is anti-feminist.

Haven't you ever heard of the Bechdel Test?

Do you always talk like a dictionary?

- Fay, take care of her.
- What?

- You don't know?
- She's an amateur MMA fighter.

Nah, she's ranked.

Oh. So that's your deal.

Listen, matriarch to matriarch...

Oh!

[YELPS, GRUNTS] [CROWD OHS]

Oh, God. I'm okay.

[LAUGHTER] [GROANS]

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

This is actually kind of cute.

Oh.

[CANS RATTLING]

Oh, this isn't good.

[CANS HISSING]

Emma Day!

I can see you being a criminal!

- Did you guys follow us?
- Yes.

Our suspicions were confirmed
because we caught you...

♪ ♪

I'm actually not mad at this.

If you're gonna break the law,

it's something I can get behind.

[SCOFFS] Two hours
with this pint-sized Al Capone,

and already my sweet baby angel is Antifa.

I should call the cops on both of yous.

Let the law straighten yous out.

Feather, I think we can both agree

that the kids need to be punished.

- Mm-hmm.
- But we also know

that this is gonna reflect
worse on us than them.

Not great for either campaign.

Probably worse for yours, though.

♪ ♪

Maybe we leave and...

agree that this night never happened.

If you think that's best.

Let's go, Emma.

Ah-ah-ah!

Get away from each other.

You're still in trouble.

[MUTTERING ANGRILY]

Reagan, what happened?

I spent all night fending off condiments.

Sorry I'm not some tradish
sex kitten, karate master.

I spent all night keeping
your ex from stealing you back.

Ray? He's married.

That obviously doesn't matter around here.

- [GROANS]
- [SIGHS]

- So you don't want Ray back?
- No.

And the only condiment you want is ketchup?

Next year, we're staying home
and passing out candy.

Next year.

Come here. Come here.

Ow. Oh, God.

I would kiss you, but I think I broke a rib.

Okay, we're going to the emergency room.

Come on.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

♪ ♪

What a night. I feel so relieved.

I'm really glad it worked out for you.

Nathan, you have no idea what we just did.

I have been dreading
talking to them about this,

but you being there really helped.

We nailed it.

I think your parents
would say you nailed it, right?

I mean, you're Shonda. I'm the clown.

Well, some people love clowns.

No, they're universally reviled.

In movies, they're always the k*ller.
Kids have nightmares about them.

Well...

once they see the crib you built,

they'll think you're as great as I do.

Oh, I... we shouldn't.

Oh, it's okay. My parents just started

an episode of "Adirondack," season three.

It's not that. It's...

You like me sometimes,

and I like you all the time.

I want to be with you,

but we're starting
to sound like an Adele song.

Just... maybe your parents are right.

We're just not good together.

Good night.

♪ ♪

Oh, and please don't put
the charcuterie board

in the dishwasher.

It's Brazilian walnut,

and I can't take any more heartache tonight.

♪ ♪