03x26 - Minerva, Mayhem and Millionaires

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Batman". Aired: January 12, 1966 – March 14, 1968.*
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Series follows on Batman and Robin as they defend Gotham City from its various criminals.
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03x26 - Minerva, Mayhem and Millionaires

Post by bunniefuu »

NARRATOR: A tranquil
day in Gotham City.

And what could
be more soothing...

than a couple of hours
in Minerva's Mineral Spa?

For a millionaire who does nothing but count
money, Mr. Wayne, you stay in fair condition.

Oh, I try to keep pretty active
with falconry and spelunking.

And you people here at Minerva's
Mineral Spa keep me in pretty good shape.

Well, that'll about
do it for you, sir.

Unless, of course, you'd like one of Minerva's
Eggplant Jelly Vitamin Scalp Massages.

No, I've got to get dressed
and get out of here. Thank you.

NARRATOR: But for another
millionaire not so pressed for time...

the renowned scalp
massage of Minerva...

one of Gotham City's most
beautiful and glamorous women...

is about to produce
some amazing results.

Tell me, darling...

how did you collect that
divine fortune of yours?

By never taking a beautiful
woman at face value, Minerva.

Ha, ha. Tell me
some more, darling.

Tell me, where do
you keep that fortune?


Two million dollars' worth
of negotiable securities...

in the grandfather's
clock, of course.

Well, of course.

There you are, darling.

Atlas, put Mr. Dozier into
my perfumed pressurizer.

NARRATOR: And still
another millionaire...

Tell me, darling...

how did you become a
rich television producer?

By never hiring
method actors, Minerva.

And by always ignoring
network executives.

Tell me some more.

Where do you keep
that lovely loot of yours?


In the television
set, of course.

But of course.

MINERVA: Here you are, darling.

I hope you enjoyed
your treatment.

Minerva, after every visit to your
spa, I always feel like a new man.

Hmm. I feel like a
new man too, Bruce.

SAM: Bruce. Bruce Wayne.

- Hello, Sam. How are you?
- Thank you.

My wife was thrilled to get that invitation
to the private Wayne Foundation showing...

of the greatest
diamonds next week.

A very interesting affair. Most of
the major stones are here already.

Under lock and key, I hope.

Oh, yes, they're quite safe in
the Wayne Foundation vault.

SAM: Ah. Oh, Minerva, has my
wife shown up to pick me up yet?

I'll check with Aphrodite.

Anything wrong, darling?

I thought I left my
wristwatch in this box.

Aphrodite, did
Mr. Shubert's wife arrive yet?

She's in the waiting
room. This way, please.

- Thank you. Minerva, Bruce, I'll see you later.
- Yes, goodbye, Sam.

You were saying?

Oh, it's nothing. I must have
been mistaken. Good day.

Come back soon, darling.

Those emeralds, Minerva...

they were in Mrs. Carson's
cookie jar, just like you said.

Of course they were, but I'm no
longer interested in the emeralds.

Now that I have a way to get
into the Wayne Foundation vault.

- That watch.
- Yes, that watch.

With this watch, I'm going to have my
hands on the world's largest diamonds.

And thus glorious,
glamorous, glittering power.

Freddie, I have some
fast fencing for you to do.

I am not known as, in fact, "French
Freddie the Fence" for nothing, Minerva.

Shortly, I'll have the combination
of the Wayne Foundation vault...

and then you'll have the
world's largest diamonds to fence.

Famous diamonds are
not easy to fence, Minerva.

Heh. If I can get
them, Freddie...

you can fence them.


Frankly, I'm stumped.

And only Mr. Dozier knew those securities
were in that grandfather's clock.

And Mr. Horwitz's
cash out of his TV set.

But someone else stole
them, commissioner.

Right, and Mrs. Shubert's
pearls out of her tea urn...

and Mr. Converse's
bonds out of a sleeping bag.

Well, if you ask me,
millionaires in this city...

certainly choose strange
hiding places for their valuables.

But known only to
themselves, Barbara.

Each swears no other soul
alive was in on their secret.

But we ought to let someone else
in on our problem, commissioner.

Your problem, Chief O'Hara...

is that leg of yours that you
sprained when playing Ping-Pong.

I'll take care of the little
things like stolen bonds...

and emeralds and securities.

You found my watch, Minerva?

Yes, Bruce. It must have fallen
out of the box when I unlocked it.

I'll send someone down for it.

Why don't you
come for it yourself?


- A special treat for you.
- A treat, Minerva? I'll be there shortly.

- One moment, sir.
- Yes, commissioner?

Batman, we need your help.

About a rash of robberies for
which there is no explanation.

Millionaire William Dozier's securities
stolen out of a grandfather's clock...

oil heiress Camille Carson's
emeralds from her cookie jar...

producer Howie Horwitz's
cash out of his TV set.

We'll be there as quickly as possible,
but first I have one errand to run.

- Did you hear that, d*ck?
- A bit.

Emeralds, cookie
jars, bonds and TV sets.

It's the victims that make this case intriguing
and unique. They're all immensely wealthy.

And they're all frequenters
of Minerva's Mineral Spa.

Gosh, Bruce. Would Minerva
stoop to something like that?

It's hard to believe,
d*ck. She's so beautiful...

and worth investigating.

- To the Batpoles?
- You to the Batpoles, d*ck.

I want you to take the Batmobile
with a spare Batsuit for me.

And I want you to meet me
in the alley behind the spa.

I'll take my own car
and be sure and find you.


I came here to pick
up a wristwatch...

and I get a free Eggplant
Jelly Vitamin Scalp Massage.

That was my special
little treat, on the house...

because of that silly
misunderstanding over your watch.

Now, this is only
going to take a minute.


The combination to the
Wayne Foundation vault?

Right seven times to eight...

left four times past six to 11.

Right twice to nine...

left to three, and open.

Oh. That was marvelous, Minerva.

Heh. There you are, my darling.

Your root ends
are really glowing.

Here you are, darling.

Thank you.

Are you sure I can't pay you anything
for the special treatment, Minerva?

Seeing you again
was payment enough.


Excuse me.

Minerva's Mineral Spa.

Lord Easystreet?

Hello, Easy. I haven't
seen you for ages.

I'll meet you in the
alley in a moment.

I don't know what's up in here, but I suspect
Batman and Robin should investigate further.

Yes, yes, 4:30 is good
enough for a scalp massage.

Tell Commissioner Gordon
that we might be detained.

Divine, darling, divine.

- How did it go, Minerva?
- Beautifully. But...


We'd like the full
treatment, please.

Well, of course. Register
for both yourself and your son.

Although I'd be proud if
he were, this is not my son.

This is Robin, the Boy
Wonder. I'm Batman.

Well, I'm so sorry, I
couldn't recognize your face.

But your physique
was very familiar.

Check your valuables. After you've disrobed,
Adonis and Apollo are going to start you off.

We have no valuables to check.

And if we disrobed, we'd
reveal our secret true identities.

That's too bad. You can't get the full
value of my mineral spa fully dressed.

Our boots, leotards, gauntlets,
capes, cowls and even our utility belts...

are more permeable
than you might think.

Shall we start?

This way, gentlemen.

What's the matter, Minerva?

I don't know, but my female intuition
tells me there's something wrong.

I had the strange feeling
that millionaire Bruce Wayne...

was issuing instructions
through his watch.

- Huh?
- And Batman is a close friend of his.

Be sure that those dynamic
darlings get our full treatment.

Including some extra pressurizing
in my perfumed pressurizer.

Persimmon pressurizer, Minerva.

Call it whatever
you want, but do it...

while I'm going to the
Wayne Foundation vault.

Yes, I'm looking forward to Minerva's
famous Eggplant Jelly Vitamin Scalp Massage.

Minerva thought you might pop them
into the persimmon pressurizer first.

Persimmon pressurizer?
Holy astringent plum-like fruit.

Only astringent
until ripe, Robin.

I think you'll find the experience
most palatable. This way, gentlemen.

Atlas, what's up?

Minerva wants them
permanently pressurized.

The experience may be palatable, Batman,
but I don't like the looks of this thing.

Me neither, Robin.

It's not how the pressurizer
looks that counts, Batman.


It's how you're going
to look when you're in it.

And when it's finished with you.

NARRATOR: So mischievous Minerva
pursues her malfeasant maneuver...

at the Wayne Foundation.

"Left to three."


And voilà. Oh.

Oh, you beautiful,
beautiful darlings.

Oh. I love you, I love you.

Some more.

While our fearless crime-fighters
face a fate usually befalling frozen foods.

Holy human pressure cookers.

An apt expression,
Robin. Too apt.


- Minerva, they're gone.
- They are not gone, they are just not here.

Isn't that the same thing?

They are completely pressurized.

There's nothing left
of the little darlings.

- Well, then let's take off with their loot.
- Not until my dear friend Lord Easystreet...

has his vitamin scalp
massage at 4:30.

Why wait for that?

Because he's the
world's richest man.

And just think about the
thoughts he's going to transfer.

Think about the thoughts
millionaire Bruce Wayne...

transfers to the police when
he finds the diamonds are gone.

I reset the dial. It will take them at
least two weeks before they can get in.

And in the meanwhile...

NARRATOR: But in the
meantime, what's this?

The pressurized
campaigners alive?

And heading into the
Batcave on the double?

Where a vastly relieved
Alfred awaits them.

I must say, sir, I'm
delighted to see you both.

We're delighted to be here and wouldn't
be if Batman hadn't the foresight...

to pop two Steam-Neutralizing
Bat-pellets into his utility belt.

Steam-Neutralizing Bat-pellets?

I'll explain later. I must get
to Commissioner Gordon.

About Madame Minerva, I presume?

Definitely about Minerva.

Her three Greek g*ons popped
us into a human pressure cooker.

Oh, my word.

And soon we'll be finding out how
Minerva fits into the picture, Alfred.

And how you may be
fitting into the picture.


My three beautiful boys put Batman
and Robin in my perfumed pressurizer...

and pressurized them to death?


That's utter nonsense. Ha, ha.

It isn't nonsense that
they tried to, Minerva.

MINERVA: How young and healthy
you both look after treatment in my spa.

We're lucky we even look
alive after that pressure cooking.

I am so sorry. Something must have
gone wrong with one of the machines.

But to accuse me and my
staff for attempting m*rder...

is completely ridiculous.

Well, now that this little
misunderstanding is straightened out...

Not exactly
straightened out, Minerva.

Just where did you pick up
those three male assistants?

I don't pick up men,
men pick me up.

But really, Batman,
don't be so square.

In an hour's time, I have an appointment
with my dear old friend Lord Easystreet...

for a vitamin scalp massage.

I mustn't disappoint him.

Oh, no, of course not.

I'm sorry we inconvenienced
you by asking you to come here.

Not at all. Not at all.

- May I show you to the
elevator? MINERVA: Yes, please.

Ah, Barbara.
Minerva, my daughter.



Well, the fabulous Minerva.

Who knows just how fabulous?

What's the matter? You all
look as sober as a glass of water.

An attempt on one's life has a
rather sobering effect, Ms. Gordon.

Someone tried to k*ll
you, Batman? And Robin?

Was Minerva involved?

It's hard to say, at this point.

Sure, and it is.

What are your plans, Batman?

Chief O'Hara, I know someone
who bears a striking resemblance...

to Lord Easystreet.

Gosh, yes. So you do, Batman.

And if he were to be detained so that
he couldn't make his 4:30 appointment...

- at Minerva's...
- Say no more, Batman.

Lord Easystreet was in
the library this morning...

looking for a rare volume
on the vesper sparrow.

He's a multimillionaire bird
watcher, among his other multis.

I could call and tell him I've found the book,
which I did, at one of the branch libraries.

That should distract him from any
plans he might have this afternoon.

What a charming and
beautiful lady Minerva is.

We should all be
ashamed of our suspicions.


Commissioner Gordon.

What? What? What?

Well, of course.
We'll get on it at once.

- What was all that?
- The head of security at the Wayne Foundation.

Someone's tampered with the vault containing
precious diamonds for that private showing.

The combination's changed. No
one knows if anything was taken.

I must try and get in
touch with Bruce Wayne.

Oh, you mean millionaire Bruce Wayne?
I believe he's out of town for the day.

I'd better make that
call about the book.

I think His Lordship is
staying at the Gotham Towers.

Now, who is that man who bears
such a striking resemblance...

to multimillionaire
Lord Easystreet?

Coincidentally, it's millionaire
Bruce Wayne's butler, Alfred.

You won't believe this,
but they are still alive.

We better make
tracks quick, then.

Not until my dear old
friend Lord Easystreet...


Go on, boys, go on.

Hello, Minerva.

My dear, surely you recognize
me. I'm Lord Easystreet.

Oh, of course, Easy.

It's only that you're a little bit
thinner and little tiny bit older.


Well, the years have a way of catching
up with us multimillionaires, Minerva...

just as with the common people.

But perhaps your Eggplant Jelly Vitamin
Scalp Massage might prove rejuvenating.

It does wonders, Easy.
Not miracles but wonders.

- Shall we try?
- Ha, ha.

They're gone. Every
diamond in that vault is gone.

Batman, how could you
have opened a vault...

to which you didn't know the
combination in three seconds flat?

With my Three-Seconds-Flat Bat-vault
Combination Unscrambler, commissioner.

- Amazing.
- I must notify the insurance companies at once.

And we must throw a cordon of police
around Gotham City, Chief O'Hara. Come on.

Well, Batman,
back to the Batcave?

No, Robin. To
Minerva's Mineral Spa.

I strongly suspect...

she extracted the combination to
this vault from Bruce Wayne's brain...

via her Eggplant Jelly
Vitamin Scalp Massage.

- Holy skull tap.
- Exactly, Robin.

Which she might be doing at
this very moment with Alfred.

Extracting secrets
he must never reveal.

To the spa.

NARRATOR: While at this very minute,
Barbara Gordon has had a similar hunch...

has made her challenging
change into Batgirl...

and is off to do
her bit for Alfred...

aboard the Batgirl-cycle.

Just relax, darling...

and think about your
many, many, many millions.


It should be clear
to almost anyone...

that I am not multimillionaire
Lord Easystreet...

but actually I am...

But actually I am...

But actually I am...

But actually I am...

Go on, darling. Don't
stall now. Don't stall.

- Batgirl, stop it, stop it, stop it!
- Just let go!

Adonis, Apollo, come and help!

Help! Help!

Grab her. Grab him.

He's a darling old phony.

Put them both in my
perfumed pressurizer...

while I get Freddie the
Fence and start packing.

Higher, boys. Put it on high.
Freddie the Fence has flown.

Any extra Steam Neutralizing
Bat-pellets, Batman?



I must say, Batgirl, it was rather
fortunate that this thing short-circuited...

before I divulged
my... Our little secret.

Yes. I'd say it was too, Alfred.



So, darlings, you caught Freddie
the Fence just before he flew.

- At the airport, Minerva.
- Just as he started to sing.

I told you, Minerva, it is not
easy to fence famous diamonds.

Easier than to try to fly
without wings, Freddie.


There are some more
songbirds in the rear of the store.

Plus a canary named Aphrodite.

Maybe I should have called
it Minerva's Musical Spa.

It has rhythm, Minerva.

So has the paddy wagon,
and it's raring to go. Go on.

How divine.

I'm going to make Gotham State
Prison the world's most elegant spa.

What happened to Batgirl?

Who knows, Robin? Whoever knows?
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