05x18 - Lucy Puts Main Street on the Map

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Gee, Mr. Mooney, being in this
beautiful little town reminds me

- of when we both lived in Danfield.
- (bicycle bell rings)

- Remember?
- Yeah, yeah.

It's very much like it. Yeah.

And you were going to
put a freeway through here.

And would have, if
you hadn't butted in.

That's some of the
best butting in I ever did.

Well, that covers
a lot of butting in.

Yeah, well...

They're expecting us in here.

Yeah.

(stammers)

I-I still can't understand
why they invited me

to this celebration
this morning,

knowing that I'm the
one who was trying to put

a freeway through
Main Street here.

It's because you
were such a good sport

about not getting your own way.

Oh, well, I'm going to feel very
foolish knowing that they think

I'm some kind
of a, of a stinker.

Yeah, but such a
nice kind of stinker.

Come on, Stinky.

Hi, everybody!

(cheering)

Mr. Mooney, you
remember Mr. Bubbles.

Yes, yes.

- And this is Doc Putnam.
- Oh, yeah. -Hi, Doc.

And you remember Uncle Joe.

Oh, yes, yes.

And I guess you all remember
my boss, Mr. Mooney.

(all greeting excitedly)

Folks, folks, now, I asked
Mr. Mooney and Mrs. Carmichael

here this morning so we
could formally invite them

to be guests of honor
at our block party tonight.

(cheering)

And... and, Lucy,

we'd like to express
our appreciation for the,

well, the stirring appeal you
gave to the Highway Commission.

You know, it was your
song that saved Main Street.

Oh, it did not.

- (excited murmuring)
- No.

- Everybody...
- Hey, g*ng,

let's salute Lucy
with her own words.

(cheering)

Okay, everybody, all set?

Here we go.

(playing upbeat song)

♪ There's a place that I know ♪

♪ I remember long ago ♪

♪ Known as Main Street, U.S.A. ♪

♪ What a thrill, what a treat ♪

♪ Every time you put your feet ♪

♪ On the pavement
of Main Street, U.S.A. ♪

(laughter)

Hey, hey, hey!

♪ Life was sweet,
life was slow ♪

♪ You would greet
someone you'd know ♪

♪ And you'd pass the time of ♪

(voice cracking): ♪ Day ♪

(laughter)

♪ Hey, by the way, are you
wishing what I'm wishing? ♪

♪ What do you say
we get together ♪

♪ And sign a big petition? ♪

♪ To preserve the
wonderful American tradition ♪

♪ Main Street, U.S.A. ♪

(rhythmic tapping)

♪ Hey! ♪

(cheering)

You know something,
I was just thinking.

We may have saved Main
Street here in Bancroft,

but our job isn't really done.

How's that?

Well, think of all the
other beautiful little towns

that are going to have
freeways put right through them.

Gee, wouldn't it be great if
we could get all the people

in the country and-and all
the highway commissions

to-to hear our song?

It sure would.

But how could we do that?

Well, we're having
a block party tonight.

Why don't we ask a big
TV news service to cover it?

- Could we do that?
- Well, sure.

I-I'll call Dan McGowan, the
famous news commentator.

- You know him?
- Well, no, but I'm sure

he'd jump at a
chance to cover a great

human interest story like this.

Wouldn't that be great?

- How about it?
- (excited chattering)

Everybody!

♪ Hey, by the way ♪

♪ Are you wishing
what I'm wishing? ♪

♪ What do you say
we get together ♪

♪ And sign a big petition? ♪

♪ To preserve a wonderful
American tradition ♪

♪ Main Street, U.S.A. ♪

(rhythmic tapping)

♪ Hey! ♪

(doorbell rings)

(phone ringing)

Oh, hi, Lucy. Come on in.

The phone's ringing.

Okay.

Hello.

Yes, that's right, operator.

I placed a person-to-person call

to Mr. Dan McGowan,
National News Service.

Yeah.

I see. Well, would you
keep trying, please?

Okay, thank you.

The circuits are still busy.

Oh, I'm so glad.

What do you mean by that?

Well, as long as we can't
get to him, there's still hope.

If we reach him and he turns
us down, there'll be no way

to get our message to
the rest of the country.

Lucy, I always thought
you were a positive thinker.

I am, but I can always
think a lot more positively

when everything's in the bag.

(chuckles): I see.

I think it's a wonderful...

Well, I thought
someone should have

offered our guest
some refreshments.

Uh, Lucy, I'd like you
to meet Aunt Carrie.

- Oh.
- Howdy. Don't get up.

You're company, I ain't.

(laughs)

Aunt Carrie's been up since
: this morning making coleslaw

and baking brownies
for the block party tonight.

- Oh, really?
- Help yourself.

Well, thank you.

Oh, they look delicious.

I could eat a barrel of these.

You do and we'll have
to call off the block party.

(laughs)

I'm sure it's gonna be
a wonderful evening.

Well, I just hope
I live to see it.

Between eating to
keep up my strength

and dieting to keep
my weight down,

I don't know how
long I'm gonna last.

Oh, she's a doll.

- I like her.
- (chuckles)

Listen, Tink, who is that
man in uniform there?

Oh, uh, that's my father.

He's the chief of police here.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, that's my
mother right next to him.

Oh, she's beautiful.

Thank you.

What's this?

Oh, that's a... a brand-new song

I just wrote for the
block party tonight.

- You just wrote it?
- Yeah.

Can I be the first
one to hear it?

You got it.

Okay.

(playing mellow ballad)

♪ There's a feeling
of spring in the air ♪

♪ But come to think
of it, that isn't rare ♪

♪ This feeling of spring
is an everyday thing ♪

♪ In our hometown ♪

♪ Get a whiff of that
sweet evening breeze ♪

♪ Night-blooming jasmine
and sycamore trees ♪

♪ You're liable to find you
get weak in the knees ♪

♪ In our hometown ♪

♪ We don't want
no one to change it ♪

♪ We like it just
like it stands ♪

♪ When someone
tries to rearrange it ♪

♪ We very gently, sentimentally
change their plans ♪

♪ So if you're tired
of fighting the crowd ♪

♪ Join our community,
we'd sure be proud ♪

♪ It's peaceful and quiet ♪

♪ And maybe that's why it
is lacking in world renown ♪

♪ But you'll be as welcome
as welcome can be ♪

♪ In our... ♪

♪ Home... ♪

♪ Town. ♪

Oh, I just love it!

Oh!

- Tink, I just...
- (phone ringing)

Hey, hey, phone.

Might be our call. Come on.

Oh, I just love that song.

Thank you.

Hello.

Yeah. Yes, hello.

Uh, this is Mel
Tinker calling, sir.

No, Tinker with a T.

Uh, look, sir, our-our
little town of Bancroft

is having a big
block party tonight...

A block party.

Yes, sir.

And we thought that maybe

you'd like to cover
it because, uh, well,

- it's a...
- It's a great human interest story.

It's a great human
interest story, sir.

- Yeah.
- Well, I know you're busy, yes, sir.

But, you see, with
everybody trying

to put freeways
through, we're trying...

We're gonna have
a big celebration.

We're gonna have a
big celebration tonight.

Lots of singing and dancing.

And lots of singing and dancing.

Think the whole
country should see this.

I think the whole country
should see it, sir, be...

Yeah, I-I see.

Yes, sir. Well, okay, and...

Thank you.

What'd he say?

Oh, he says he's much too busy
covering more-more important

and dramatic news than
to come to a block party.

What more important
and dramatic news?

Oh, you know, riots and
v*olence and disasters.

You know the kind of thing
you see on the news these days.

Oh, do I ever.

Well... maybe we could
get him to come here tonight

if he thought there was
something like that going on.

What do you mean?

Well, maybe we could tell him

the students were
demonstrating down at the college.

That's a great idea.

- There's only one thing wrong with it.
- What?

We haven't got a college here.

Oh.

I got it! I got it!

Let's play cops and robbers.

Cops and...?

Yeah, we'll tell
him that there's

a big g*n battle
going on over here,

and that the police
are sh**ting it out

with a g*ng of-of
bank robbers, and...

and that they're holed up

in some old building
on Main Street and...

and I'll be the
leader of the g*ng.

I'll be the most vicious, daring

cold-blooded k*ller
since Ma Barker.

- That's great. That's great.
- That ought to do it.

- That's great.
- That ought to get him here.

Listen, we'll call you,
uh, we'll call you...

Call me what?

Carrot Top Carmichael.

Oh, Carrot Top Carmichael!

Not bad.

All right, if they
want v*olence,

v*olence we'll give them.

Hey!

That's a wonderful
idea, isn't it?

Marvelous!

All right, men, you've all been
shown how to handle those g*ns.

The amm*nit*on that we've
passed down to you is all fake.

It's all blanks.

And don't forget, Carrot Top,

you're head of the bad guys.

Yeah, I know.

Let's have the bad
guys up here with Lucy.

Everybody over here.

And get the good
guys over on this side.

Uh, uh, D-Doc,

no, you're supposed to be
over here with the good guys.

Oh, I want to be a bad guy.

Oh, all right, all right.

(laughs)

I want to be a bad guy, too.

Now, Mr. Mooney, we
can't have all bad guys.

Then I don't want to be in it.

Oh, Mr. Mooney,
don't be like that.

Oh, sure, it's
all right for you.

You're the leader on your side.

Mr. Mooney, what's
wrong with being a cop?

I don't even have a whistle.

Somebody give him a whistle.

Oh, here!

- Take the bullhorn.
- Oh!

And I'll make you
chief of police, too.

(chuckles): Oh, fine.

There, are you satisfied now?

Yeah, chief of police. That...

You know, I've-I've always
wanted to use one of these, too.

(over bullhorn): All right...

(people murmuring)

Quiet!

- Shh!
- Don't use it now.

- Hey, hey, w-where's Bubbles?
- Here! Here!

- There he is.
- Bubbles? Oh, good.

Hey, Bubbles, you be one of
the good guys. Here's your g*n.

You mean to tell me we're gonna

- sh**t at each other with these?
- Sure!

No, sir.

Where you going?

I'm going downstairs.

There's no stairs around here.

I'm gonna make some.

(people murmuring)

- Come on, Bubbles.
- It's a gag.

- It's fun.
- Bubbles, we're just pretending. -Sure!

- Oh! Got it.
- Blank cartridges.

- We're just pretending now.
- All right, all right.

Cops and robbers.
sh**t 'em out, see?

All right, now,
listen, everybody.

Now, when those TV
news people get here,

we got to make this
g*n battle look real.

Now, the minute they
get their cameras going,

we'll give the signal for the
block party to begin, okay?

- That's right.
- Yeah, I-I'll blow a whistle.

- Good! -Good!
- I'll blow a whistle.

- She'll blow a whistle.
- Hey, they're coming!

- (excited clamoring)
- They're coming!

- What?
- The-The-The fellas!

The TV fellas are coming!

They're bringing their cameras!

Come on, they're
coming over here.

All right now. Get in
your places, everybody.

That's right, that's fine.

That's good.

(g*nf*re)

All right, fellas, get that
camera on the action.

(g*nf*re continues)

(yells, stammers)

I'm Dan McGowan,
National News Service.

Oh, how do you do, sir?
I-I'm Theodore J. Mooney.

Am I on television?!

(g*nf*re continues)

Not yet. It takes a couple of
minutes to get the camera going.

- Oh.
- But we are on audio.

(g*nf*re continues)

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Dan McGowan

bringing you an
on-the-spot report

from a raging g*n battle taking
place right here in front of us.

Yes, v*olence has come

to this peaceful
little town of Bancroft.

(yelling)

Chief, I wonder if you
could bring us up to date

- on what's been going on.
- Going on?

- Yes.
- Uh, oh, well, yes, you see, uh...

Carrot Top Carmichael and
her g*ng are inside that building.

Well, how did
this all get started?

- Started?
- Yeah.

Oh, started.

Oh, uh, yeah, well, Carrot
Top held up the bank, see?

Then there was a
running g*n battle,

and now I've got
them surrounded.

Well, I wonder if
we can get a glimpse

of this, uh, female desperado.

- (g*nf*re continues)
- I'll see what I can do!

Will you fellows be quiet?!

- (g*nf*re stops)
- Will you stop that?! Stop it!

Goodness!

All right, Carrot Top...

Carrot Top!

LUCY: What do you want, copper?

Come on out here.
I want to talk to you.

How do I know it ain't
some kind of a trick?

It isn't a trick!

It hadn't better be, copper.

What a way to talk
to the chief of police!

DAN: Yes...

the door is opening.

There is a figure... Yes,
it is... it's Carrot Top.

She's coming out.

She has a g*n in each hand,
glaring defiance at this crowd.

All right, what do
you want, copper?

I surrender! I surrender!

Wait! I surrender!

(g*nsh*t)

Take that, you rat!

(g*nf*re)

I can't believe it!

Carrot Top Carmichael
has just gunned down

one of her own men who
was attempting to surrender.

I'll try and describe Carrot
Top Carmichael to you...

Particularly her
coloring, since this picture

you're not getting is
supposed to be in color.

She has bright red hair,

creamy white complexion,

ruby red lips, big brown eyes...

LUCY: Big blue eyes!

Great Scott! One
of Carrot Top's men

was just sh*t off the
roof of that building.

He fell right in front
of our cameras.

And they're still not working.

(g*nf*re continues)

What's the matter
with that camera?

It's nearly ready.

(Mr. Mooney groans)

LUCY: Hurry up, we're
running out of amm*nit*on.

- Hey, Bubbles! Bubbles! Here.
- Yeah?

Look, will you take them some
amm*nit*on like a good fellow?

BUBBLES: Sure, sure.

(g*nf*re)

I just can't understand it.

Unless, Chief, is this
some new kind of law

protecting criminals from
improper police procedure?

Hey! Your c... your
camera! It's on! Oh! Hey!

Great news, folks... we finally
have our camera operating.

All right, Carrot Top, this is
your last chance to surrender.

LUCY: You'll have to
come in and get me, copper!

Carrot Top, the camera is fixed.

Now you can
surrender on television.

Well, it's about time.

Boy, criminals are such hams!

MR. MOONEY (over bullhorn):
All right, drop those g*ns.

Drop 'em!

Now get your hands up! Up!

Ladies and gentlemen, this
is a most dramatic moment.

Carrot Top and her g*ng
are about to surrender

to the local police
here in Bancroft.

There she is.

All right, boys,
you can get up now.

- (excited shouts)
- (whistle blowing)

What's going on here?

Well, Mr. McGowan,
it took a little riot

to get you and
your cameras here,

but this is what we
really wanted you to see,

what we want the
whole country to see!

Come on, Bancroft,
let's show 'em!

(band playing mid-tempo intro)

♪ There's a feeling
of spring in the air ♪

♪ But come to think
of it, that isn't rare ♪

♪ This feeling of spring
is an everyday thing ♪

♪ In our hometown ♪

♪ Get a whiff of that
sweet evening breeze ♪

♪ Night-bloomin' jasmine
and sycamore trees ♪

♪ You're liable to find you
get weak in the knees ♪

♪ In our hometown ♪

♪ We don't want
no one to change it ♪

♪ We like it just
like it stands ♪

♪ When someone
tries to rearrange it ♪

♪ We very gently,
sentimentally ♪

♪ Change their plans ♪

♪ So... ♪

♪ If you're tired of
fighting the crowd ♪

♪ Join our community,
we'd sure be proud ♪

♪ It's peaceful and
quiet, there's never a riot ♪

♪ And though it
lacks world renown... ♪

♪ You'll be as welcome ♪

♪ As welcome can be ♪

♪ In our... ♪

♪ Home... ♪

♪ Town... ♪

(lively music plays)

(plays fiddle solo)

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(music ends)

(upbeat jazz plays)

♪ When these ten tapping toes ♪

♪ Put on their dancing clothes ♪

♪ That's what I came here for ♪

♪ You dig, it's got
to carry a b*at ♪

♪ Makes you want
to move your feet ♪

♪ That's what I'm waiting for ♪

♪ And what do I care? ♪

♪ I'll be walking on air ♪

♪ My feet will go tippety-tap ♪

♪ And I'll be in clover ♪

♪ My blues are all over ♪

♪ I'll shuffle off to Buffalo ♪

♪ When these ten tapping toes ♪

♪ Put on their dancing clothes ♪

♪ That's what I came here for ♪

CROWD: Go!

Go!

Go! Go!

Go, go, go, go!

♪♪

♪ That's... ♪

♪ What happens ♪

♪ To me ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

(song ends)

(march playing)

♪ If you live in a little town ♪

♪ And progress threatens you ♪

♪ Because your civic leaders ♪

♪ Want to put a
freeway through ♪

♪ There's no need to fret ♪

♪ Here's the reason why ♪

♪ Let this song ♪

♪ Become your battle cry ♪

♪ There's a place that I know ♪

♪ I remember long ago ♪

♪ Known as Main Street, U.S.A. ♪

♪ What a thrill, what a treat ♪

♪ Every time you put your feet ♪

♪ On the pavement
of Main Street, U.S.A. ♪

♪ Not a big thoroughfare ♪

♪ Ah, but you didn't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you'd walk
round the square ♪

♪ And your
neighbors were there ♪

♪ And you'd see all the sights ♪

♪ That you've
seen there before ♪

♪ From the livery stable ♪

♪ To the old drugstore ♪

♪ Life was sweet,
life was slow ♪

♪ You would greet
someone you know ♪

♪ And you'd pass
the time of day ♪

♪ When your heart's in a rut ♪

♪ Don't you ever wonder
whatever happened ♪

♪ To Main Street, U.S.A.? ♪

♪ Hey, by the way ♪

♪ Are you wishin'
what I'm wishin'? ♪

♪ What do you say
we get together ♪

♪ And sign a big petition? ♪

♪ To preserve a wonderful
American tradition ♪

♪ Main... ♪

♪ Street... ♪

♪ U... ♪

♪ S... ♪

♪ A... ♪

- (all shout)
- (song ends)