05x21 - Lucy and Tennessee Ernie Ford

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Good morning, Mr. Mooney.

Well, what a pleasant
surprise, Mrs. Carmichael.

(Lucy chuckles)

And how did we manage to
get to work on time for once?

Well, I think my clock's broken.

- Hi, Dottie.
- Hello, Lucy.

Well, get to work on
these right away, please.

Well, can't I have
my coffee first?

No, you can't have
your coffee first!

You just got here!

Now, please, get
to work, get to work.

- Yes, sir, yes, sir.
- (Mr. Mooney groans)

(radio blaring rock and roll)

Mrs. Carmichael!
Turn that radio off!

(turns off radio)

What is that thing doing here?

Well, you see, Mr. Mooney,
when I was in high school,

I always played the radio
while I did my homework,

and... and-and now that...
it's hard for me to concentrate

with so much quiet going on.

I didn't know they had radios
when you went to high school.

Mr. Mooney,
that's not very nice!

Well, now, you keep that
thing off and you get to work!

- At once, do you hear me?
- All right.

- Good heavens!
- Mooney!

Oh, good morning, Mr. Cheever.

(chuckles) How are you, sir?

- Not very well.
- Oh? What's wrong, sir?

Well, at the meeting last night,
it was brought to my attention

that our branch is lagging in
the getting of new accounts.

- It is?
- Yes, and it was suggested

that perhaps this branch
was a bit overstaffed...

One vice president
too many, to be exact.

- Oh?
- And as a vice president,

I hope that you can read
between the lines, Mr. Mooney.

Mr. Cheever, sir,
are you inferring

that unless I get
some new accounts...

Well, congratulations!
At least you can read!

Oh, my!

I've never seen him so upset.

How does he expect
me to get new accounts,

drag people in off the streets?

I don't know why he
blames me for everything

that goes on around here.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

Well, you better worry about it.

You just remember,
if I go, you go.

Now, I'll be in my office.

And I don't want
to be disturbed.

LUCY: No, sir.

(radio playing
country banjo music)

DEEJAY: And that,
folks, was the latest hit

from the nation's number one
country singer, Homer Higgins.

And here's a little news
for you Homer Higgins fans.

Homer is about to
become a California citizen.

He arrives in town this morning

and will check in to
the penthouse suite

of the luxurious
Palm Garden Hotel.

Now, that's eatin' pretty high
on the hog for a country boy.

(Lucy laughs)

And he should be
eatin' high on the hog,

because the music
industry has estimated

that Homer's income this
year will exceed $ million.

- Wow! And now, folks, we...
- Wow!

- (turns off radio)
- Right.

Dottie, I'm going out.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

But what about this work?
If Mr. Mooney comes back

and you're not here,
won't he be angry?

No, not when he hears
about the big new account

I got lined up for him.

Right this way.

Well, if this don't b*at all.

I hope you will find
this suite satisfactory.

Ain't this purty, Effie?

Well, it looks like an awful
big place to keep clean.

Why didn't we take that
little room we was just in?

That was the elevator.

This penthouse apartment
gives you a magnificent view

overlooking Los Angeles.

Have mercy on us all!

On a clear day, you
can see Catalina.

Well, from what I hear,
that's a mighty rare sight.

Catalina?

No, a clear day in Los Angeles.

Anything else, sir?

Oh, oh, uh, no, no, thank you.

But just a minute,
uh, just a minute there.

(groans)

Here's a tip for you.

Oh, thank you, sir!

All right.

I hope you enjoy your stay.

Hold on there just a minute.

You've been awful nice to us.

Effie, give this nice man
some of your duck gizzards.

EFFIE: Oh, uh, sure thing.

- Give him a whole wad.
- Here you are.

They're awful good
fried in hog lard.

Oh, and by the way,
at the end of the week,

take out what we owe you.

- Yes, sir!
- All right, fine.

Oh, by the way, if
there's any left, why, uh...

treat your carnation
to a sack of fertilize.

- That's for you.
- Oh...

(doorbell rings)

- Well, howdy-do, ma'am?
- Hello, Mr. Higgins.

I, um, I heard on the radio
that you were moving here today

and I thought I'd stop
by and welcome you.

Well, ain't that nice, Effie?

Oh, it sure is.

Come in and make
yourself to home.

- Yes, come on in.
- Thank you.

I want you to meet my kinfolks.

Get up. Company's come.

Uh, this is... this
is my wife Effie.

- Hello.
- Howdy.

And that's her brother Iffie.

- Iffie?
- Uh, yes'm.

He was born ahead of her,
and his folks called him Iffie

'cause "if he" was a girl they
was gonna name him Effie.

Oh. Well, how do you do?

Uh, glad to meet you, Iffie.

My name is Lucy.
Lucy Carmichael.

Howdy, Miss Lucy.

Gee, you got hair the
color of orange juice.

- Orange juice?
- Yeah, and I'd bet

a girl as purty as you
must get squeezed a lot.

(chuckles) Well... only
when the bus is crowded.

You sure are purty.

(guffawing)

Uh, down, Iff.

Down there... down...

Well, since Iffie's pet
skunk d*ed last year,

- he's gotten girl-minded.
- Oh.

Would you like to come
in and rest your feet

- a spell?
- Yeah, thank you.

- Go right ahead.
- Oh, Iffie, come on,

- help me with the unpacking.
- Iff... Out of there.

Now, come on. Come on.

Get along. Get along!

- Git, git!
- Bye, Miss Lucy.

LUCY: Bye.

Pick up your feet,
boy! Pick up your feet!

- Get on, come on, get on.
- Oh, that boy!

That boy is about as useful
as a milk bucket under a bull.

Would you like some
of Effie's sassafras tea?

Well, thank you, but, uh,
before I accept your hospitality,

Mr. Higgins, I think
I should explain

that my visit is
not entirely social.

It is not?

No, not exactly.

You see... well, the truth is...

Well, what I'm
trying to say is...

If, uh... well...

Why don't you stop
spittin' on the handle

and get to hoein'.

How's that?

Say what you come to say, ma'am.

Oh! Oh, well, you see,

uh, I really came
here to talk business.

- Mm.
- I work for a bank, Mr. Higgins and,

well, I came to see if we
could handle your account.

Well, frankly, ma'am, I
don't cotton much to banks.

Oh. Well, Mr. Higgins, uh,
banks are very necessary,

especially to a man
with your income.

You know, a bank offers
advice on financial investments,

and, well, I just think a person

should put his
money into something.

Oh, I do, ma'am, I do.

Uh, in boxes.

You mean...

you mean all these
boxes are full of money?

Yes, ma'am.

- Oh!
- Yeah, you know, I...

keep 'em in boxes.

Oh, for heaven's
sake! You mean you...

you carry your money
around with you all the time?

Well, not all of it,
ma'am. I had to leave

a whole mess of it at
home... We run out of boxes.

Well, Mr. Higgins...

my, you... you certainly
make a lot of money

with your singing
and your records.

And, you know, I also
write all my own songs.

- You do?
- Yes, ma'am.

You want to see me make
up a folk song about you

right now, just like that?

Well, I sure would.

- All righty-bye.
- (chuckles)

I didn't know you
composed your own songs.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

♪ Fell in love with
a pink-haired gal ♪

♪ Fell in love with
a pink-haired gal ♪

♪ Fell in love with
a pink-haired gal ♪

♪ She fell in love with me. ♪

Well, is that it?

Yeah.

Well, that's very clever.

Well, that last line
didn't come too easy.

Oh, well.

It was very good,
that last line.

Well, you were the inspiration.

- Oh, really?
- That's right.

And if that's ever a
hit, I owe you a favor.

Oh, well, uh... the,
uh, the biggest favor

you could do for
me, Mr. Higgins,

is let me introduce you
to my boss, Mr. Mooney.

He's the banker I work for.

No offense to you, ma'am,

but I feel like a
worm in hot ashes

around them big-city bankers.

But Mr. Mooney's not
a big-city type banker.

He comes from real,
down-to-earth country folk.

- He does?
- Yeah, yeah.

He grew up on a farm
and-and all his kin were farmers

and all his kin's kin.

Sounds like my kind of folk.

Oh, I just know that Mr. Mooney

is the type of banker
that you'd cotton to.

Well, I'll tell you what you do.

You bring this
Mr. Mooney over here

so that we can at least have
a howdy and handshake.

Oh, wonderful! Thank
you, Mr. Higgins!

- All right.
- Oh, I'll bring him over right away.

- All right.
- And I just know that you and Mr. Mooney

are gonna hit it off
like two pigs in a poke.

- All right.
- Good-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye.

(doorbell ringing)

- Well, how do, Miss Lucy?
- Hello, Mr. Higgins.

Uh, I'd like you to meet
my boss, Mr. Mooney.

Well, how do you do, Mr. Mooney?

MR. MOONEY (hesitantly):
How-How-Howdy. Howdy.

How do you do? Well, you
sure don't look like no banker.

I don't feel like one, either.

By cracky!

Oh. Uh, come on in
and meet my kinfolk.

- Yeah.
- Come right on, come right on.

Uh, this is my wife Effie.

- (chuckles): Howdy.
- H-Howdy.

Hello, Miss Lucy.

- Hello. Hello.
- And that's her brother Iffie.

Iffie?

Uh, yes. You see,
they named him Iffie

because "if he" was a girl
they were gonna name him Effie.

That's right. (guffawing)

Hey, y'all are just...

Y'all are just in time
to tie on the feedbag.

- Oh?
- Come on in. Come on.

- Thank you.
- Come right on.

Come on.

That's his money; he carries
it around with him all the time.

Y'all hungry?

Uh, y-yeah, oh, yeah.

Mmm, something smells
mighty invitin', Mrs. Higgins.

Oh, just call me Effie.

And I'm Homer.

And I'm... Theodore J.

Uh, the "J" stands
for, uh, Joshua.

Uh, his friends and
kin call him Josh.

Well, that's a
mighty fittin' name.

You know, you look like a Josh.

Yeah, uh... Effie,
how's the vittles comin'?

Oh, done to a turn.

Oh, fine. Set down, Miss Lucy.

And you, too, Josh.
Set right down.

Say, you folks
sure got this place

- looking mighty comfortable.
- Well...

Uh, you know,
speakin' of comfort,

do you mind if I
take my shoes off?

Not at all.

Oh, thank you.

I never could get used
to these durn things. Oh!

And if you have anything to
loosen, ma'am, just let 'er pop.

Well, thank you.

- Here you are, Mr. Mooney.
- Oh, uh, thank you.

And here you are, Miss Lucy.

- Oh, thank you.
- Now, this here is

Effie's favorite recipe.

Thank you.

Eh-uh... uh, what is it?

Well, uh, Effie calls
it rib-stickin' stew.

It's just chock-full
of boiled deer liver,

turnip greens, hog jowls,

fatback and sow belly.

Come on, folks, eat up.

Poke 'er down, now.

Oh... you know, a
man sure is lucky

to have a woman that's
got a gift for cooking.

Your wife cook anything
that tastes like this?

Everything my wife
cooks tastes like this.

Well, then I take it
your Mrs. Mooney

is a girl with country rearin'.

- Acres of it!
- Oh.

- Is that a fact? I see.
- Yep.

You know something?
Back in Cedar Creek County,

Mrs. Mooney was a
champion hog caller.

She were?

Yeah, that's how
she got Mr. Mooney.

Well, you know, Effie, I reckon
we won't be getting homesick

here in California knowing
people like Josh and his missus.

Yeah, I hope we'll be seeing
a lot of each other, Josh.

Well, no reason
why you shouldn't,

if you come to my office
to your bankin' chores.

Oh, sounds mighty fine to me.

Well, now, wait a
minute, bucket mouth,

don't you go gettin'
any big ideas.

Now, I take to old Josh here,

but big-city banks are
something else again.

Oh, but-but-but, Mr. Higgins,

our bank isn't at all
like a big-city bank.

It's as homey as...
gravy on a tablecloth.

And all the people
that work there

are just like old Josh here...
Neighborly, country-reared folk.

Sounds like a dinger of a bank.

Well... maybe we could
go down there a little while

this afternoon and
look the place over.

Oh, uh, instead
of this afternoon...

uh, why don't you
come down tonight

after the bank is closed.

After you're closed?!

Uh, yeah. Tonight's the night

we have our weekly "who-down."

Hoedown?!

Uh, once a week, us folks
like to have a little get-together,

and I just know old Josh
would love to have you join us.

Why, me and Effie
take to hoedowns

like a hog takes to slop.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful!

Now, it's the Westland Bank,
and it's right down the street.

Come on, Mr. Mooney, we
have to get back to the bank

- for your appointment.
- Oh, uh...

Well, me and Effie will
sure look forward to this!

More than that, we'll...

most of all, we'll be looking
forward to meeting Mrs. Mooney.

- (stammering): Uh... Mrs...
- Uh, Mrs. Mooney

will be looking forward
to meeting you, too.

You be sure and show up, now.

Oh, don't you worry,
ma'am, we'll be there

fit as a tiddly
and ready to wink!

All right. Bye, y'all.

Mooney...

in all my years of banking,
I have never been involved

in anything so bizarre
and outrageous.

Well, the Higgins account
is worth a little trouble, sir.

Oh, you'll thank
me if we get it.

Yeah, what if we don't
get the Higgins account?

Well, it was all Mrs.
Carmichael's idea.

Well, where is Mrs. Mooney?

(Southern accent): Here I am!

Mrs. Carmichael!

I know my wife
isn't Miss America,

but do you have to be so hokey?

You don't want him to
recognize me, do you?

Oh, well, no.

Well, Homer and Effie'll
be here at any minute,

- Yeah.
- So let's get this pea-pickin',

tater-plantin',
corn-huskin' show

- on the road!
- Okay, Josh!

Come on, let's
get the party going!

(lively hoedown music playing)

♪ Head couples do-si-do ♪

♪ Hurry up, farmer,
don't be slow ♪

♪ Side couples, same old thing ♪

♪ Do-si-do across the ring ♪

♪ Partners, all with
the right elbow ♪

♪ Back by the left, here we go ♪

♪ Go right in to a
right-and-left grand ♪

♪ Try not to blush when
you hold her hand ♪

♪ Lead ol' Sal, take ol' Sue ♪

♪ Promenade the gal
with the rundown shoe ♪

♪ Get back home,
swing and whirl ♪

♪ Round and round
with a pretty little girl ♪

♪ Gents to the
center, left-hand star ♪

♪ Turn your girl, not too far ♪

♪ Gents back out,
you're doing swell ♪

♪ Into the center
with a great big yell ♪

(band plays "shave and a
haircut, two bits" as finish)

(shouting, whooping)

Folks, I'd like you
to meet my wife Irma.

- Howdy. -Howdy.
- Howdy. -Hi, y'all.

Oh, that was mighty good
square dance callin', ma'am.

Aw, shucks.

HOMER: Yes, it was, now.

MR. MOONEY: Irma,
Irma, don't be so shy.

I heard you was a
"champeen" hog caller, ma'am.

Oh, well, my hog
callin' days are over.

Last time I called,
I called so loud

my Adam's apple turned to cider.

(laughing)

Ain't that a knee-slapper?

Well, um, now, since the
Higgins clan is all here,

let's get this
shindig going, eh?

Let's give 'em a real
musical welcome!

Okay. Come on, Mr. Cheever.

We'll give 'em a doozy.

(lively hoedown music playing)

♪♪

(no voice)

♪ There's gonna be singin' ♪

♪ There's gonna be dancin' ♪

♪ There's gonna
be banjo pickin' ♪

♪ And the fiddler
will be there ♪

♪ You'll like our corn bread ♪

♪ And sweet molasses ♪

♪ And pretty gals with
ribbons in their hair ♪

♪ Gather round me, folks ♪

♪ I've got some
things I'd like to say ♪

♪ About the shindig
that's a-comin' ♪

♪ And it's only a week away ♪

♪ And everybody's
gonna have a good time ♪

♪ If my prediction is right ♪

♪ At the Ladies' Auxiliary
Barn Dance Saturday night ♪

♪ There's gonna be singin' ♪

♪ There's gonna be dancin' ♪

♪ There's gonna be banjo-pickin'
and the fiddler will be there ♪

♪ You'll like our corn bread ♪

♪ And sweet molasses ♪

♪ And pretty gals with
ribbons in their hair ♪

♪ The gals will
dress in calico ♪

♪ With their fancy lace
and buttons and bows ♪

♪ So all you fellas
get gussied up ♪

♪ In your Sunday
go-to-meetin' clothes ♪

♪ Mr. Cricket,
keep on a-chirpin' ♪

♪ Mr. Moon, keep
a-shinin' bright ♪

♪ At the Ladies' Auxiliary
Barn Dance Saturday night ♪

♪ There's gonna be singin' ♪

♪ There's gonna be dancin' ♪

♪ There's gonna
be banjo-pickin' ♪

♪ And the fiddler
will be there ♪

♪ You'll like our corn bread ♪

♪ And sweet molasses ♪

♪ And pretty gals with
ribbons in their hair ♪

One more time!

♪ There's gonna be singin' ♪

♪ There's gonna be dancin' ♪

♪ There's gonna
be banjo-pickin' ♪

♪ And the fiddler
will be there ♪

♪ You'll like our corn bread ♪

♪ And sweet molasses ♪

♪ And pretty gals with
ribbons in their hair... ♪

♪ At the Ladies' Auxiliary
Barn Dance Saturday night! ♪

Hey!

(lively music plays)

♪♪

(music ends)

(new melody begins)

♪♪

(music pauses)

(music resumes)

♪♪

♪♪

(music pauses)

(music resumes)

♪♪

♪♪

Enjoying yourself, neighbor?

Oh, it's the best time
I ever had in my life!

Yeah!

Now I know what I'm
gonna do with all my money.

- What?
- I'm gonna take it

and buy me a bank
like this of my very own.

Come on, Effie!

♪♪

Well, ain't that a knee-slapper!

No, that's a nose-puncher!

Now, Mr. Mooney...

- ♪♪
- Mr. Mooney! Mr. Mooney!

Mr. Mooney!

♪♪

(music stops)