06x19 - Lucy and the Stolen Stole

[bunniefuu]

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

Here you are,
you little darlings.

Here's your din-din.

Come on. Come and get it.

It's up here.

MARY JANE: Hi Lucy.
- Oh, hi, Mary Jane.

Oh, I want you to see the
new addition to my family.

Oh, aren't they cute?

They make wonderful pets.
They need so little attention.

Oh, they're beautiful. What
are they? Male or female?

Who cares?

They do.

Well, if they care enough,
they can find out for themselves.

Well, what'll it be this afternoon,
Lucy, movies or bowling?

Oh, Mary Jane, I didn't
get a chance to tell you.

I have to go with Mister
Mooney this afternoon.

He has to get an anniversary
present for his wife.

Oh, where you gonna shop for it?

Well, if I know Mister Mooney, we'll go
to any store that gives him a discount.

Listen, I know a wonderful
place that sells bargains.

They sell all kinds of things.

The only thing is, it's way
downtown. It's a very long trip.

So what? Mister Mooney would
go to Outer Mongolia to save a dime.

- I think I've got the address here.
- Oh, good.

Yeah, a friend of
mine works with me...

Here's the address right here.

Thank you. Mister
Mooney will appreciate this.

Well, I guess I might as well run
along. I'll see you later. Happy shopping.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Thank you, dear. Bye.
- Bye.

Come in.

- Oh, hi, Mister Mooney.
- Oh, good morning, Miss Lewis.

- Good morning, Mrs. Carmichael!
- Good morning.

How are you this nice fine day?

I'm fine, and I'm already to go.

And I have some very
good news for you.

I know a store where you
can save a lot of money.

Oh, bless you.

- Bye-bye.
- I see you have a little aquarium here.

- Yeah, just a little old pair of goldfish.
- Uh-huh.

Mister Mooney, can you tell me
whether they're male or female?

They're female.

How can you tell they're female?

Because their mouths
never stop moving.

[BELL RINGS]

Harry?

Oh, Harry?

Hello, Frank.

Have you got the merchandise?

Yep, I sure have.

Beautiful.

That's nice hair on that
coat. Let me see that.

Good, good. No initials.

Here, that's nice.
This stuff ain't bad.

Ain't bad? It's some of the
best stuff I ever brang you.

I hope it ain't too hot.

Don't worry. It was
all lifted in New York.

The fuzz'll never
trace it out here.

That's good.

Hey, I wish I could lose
weight as fast as you do.

[LAUGHING]

Come on in the back.
I'll give you your money.

I can sure use it.

I got a crap game lined up
at the Pink Pelican tonight.

What does a thief like
you want with a crap game?

Go out and stick somebody up.

- This is my night off.
- Oh.

Listen, if I make a sale
here today, I'll go with you.

Good. Okay, that'll be good.

This is the number.

Mrs. Carmichael...

I am not averse to saving money,

but I certainly didn't expect
the store to look like this.

They just don't waste
money on fancy decorations,

but they do seem to
have everything here.

Lady, you're percent right.

Our motto is, if we haven't
got what you want, ask for it.

And we'll go out
and pick it up for you.

Now, what can I
do for you folks?

I want to buy a gift for my
wife. It's our anniversary.

Congratulations, lady.

Oh, no, I'm not his wife.

Oh, it's one of those deals.

You know, you
don't look the type.

He does, but you don't.

I am his secretary.

They usually are.

Just what kind of a gift
did you have in mind?

Well, I'm not quite sure.

Hey, Harry, will I see
you at the Pink Pelican?

What time are those
bird watchers gathering?

- Huh?
- Bird watchers?

Oh, yeah, uh...

- Well, say, oh, like, uh, : .
- Good, I'll be there.

You belong to the
Audubon Society, huh?

Well, I'm not really
a full member.

I just go there and
take care of the pigeons.

Say, why don't you browse
around. Look around for things.

You see anything you
like, Mister Mooney?

MOONEY: Not so far, no, I don't.

How about this set of luggage?

This looks very nice.

Is this genuine cowhide?

Lady, it's such genuine cowhide
that I got to milk it twice a day.

[LAUGHING]

Well, I don't think that
would be right for my wife.

LUCY: Why not, sir?

Well, I've already
given her suitcases

and she hasn't
taken the hint yet.

Well, keep looking around.

We got a very large
selection of merchandise here.

Oh, Mister Mooney, look at this.

Look at this. It's beautiful.

Oh, yes, it is.

- This is a lovely color.
- Yes, but that's much too expensive.

That's worth at least $ , .

You are a shrewd businessman.

You guessed the
price exactly, $ , .

Well, that's a little more
than I was going to spend.

And because you
guessed the price exactly,

I'm going to cut the
price in half, $ .

Well, even $
is a little steep.

And because you are the
one thousandth customer

to come in this morning,

I'm going to cut the
price in half again, $ .

Mister Mooney,
it's a steal. Isn't it?

Yeah, you might say that.

Mister Mooney,
you are saving $ .

- Ooh. I'll take it. I'll take it.
- Good.

To whom shall I
make out the check?

Check?

I'm sorry, but we
do not accept checks

on merchandise that was
marked down three times.

You see, we have
a deal with the bank.

We don't take no checks,
and they don't sell no furs.

[LAUGHING]

It's a deal we got.

I see. All right.
Well, now let me see,

,

- , and .
- Thanks.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

- Oh, my.
- Isn't that beautiful?

Well, what do you know? Sounds
like the noon whistle. Lunch!

Well, that didn't sound
like the noon whistle, but...

We got our shopping
done. That's the main thing.

All right, you two, just
stand there. Take it easy.

Uh... Uh, what's
the meaning of this?

Oh, don't give me
that innocent act.

We've had this place
staked out for weeks.

This is the biggest outlet for
stolen goods in the whole city.

Ah, thanks. I'll just take
this along as evidence.

Come on, now, let's go.

Just a minute, officer, we haven't
done anything. I can explain it all.

You can explain it all down
at headquarters. Come on.

Let's go here. Come on, you too.

[IN IRISH ACCENT]
Faith and begorra now,

such a fine broth
of a lad like yourself

wouldn't be after arresting
a colleen like myself,

would you now, Officer Murphy?

Or could it be Hoolihan?

Or is it O'Brien?

Ha, ha, it's Shapiro.

Oh, the shame of it all.

Thanks to you,

I, Theodore J. Mooney, Vice
President of the Westland Bank,

am in jail, like a
common criminal.

Well, you're not alone.
I'm in here with you.

That's adding insult to injury.

Look, I don't like this
any more than you do.

But let's look at the
bright side of things.

What bright side?

Well, the police
treated us very nicely.

They let me call Mary Jane.

Oh, yes, you owe me a dime.

All right.

Well, where is she
with that bail money?

It's almost two hours
since you called her.

Yeah, well, she had something
very important to do first.

- What?
- Her hair.

That's important?

Well, certainly. You can't expect a
girl to come to a jail looking a mess.

- Oh, Lucy!
- Here she is.

Oh, you know, I
love your hairdo!

- Do you?
- Oh, I love it!

You changed it to
something magnificent!

I thought it'd be
nice up for a change.

It's beautiful. It makes
you look younger.

- Yeah, and taller maybe.
- Oh, yes.

Hi, Mister Mooney.

I'd like to have
mine done like that.

- I don't think you've got enough hair.
- No, I probably haven't.

You'd probably have to
put a little piece on top.

- Yeah.
- But I think you'd look...

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Yeah, maybe I will.

MOONEY: Oh, no, no, no.

What's the matter with him?

I think he's stir-crazy.

Come on, Mister
Mooney, calm down.

I calm down?

- You two talking about your hair?
- All right, come on, come on.

All right, you two can leave
now. The lady paid your bail.

Now, you see? I told you
everything would be all right.

Everything's all
right, she says!

I wasted an entire morning, lost
$ , and you say everything's all right?

Well, now, you
won't lose the money.

Just go see Harry Barton
and ask for your money back.

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael,
don't be naive.

We have seen the
last of that crook!

Oh, wait a minute. I
know where he lives.

Oh, good.

Yeah, a girlfriend
of mine dates him.

Uh, he lives at the
Valley Vista Arms.

Oh, fine.

Mister Mooney, you go see
Harry, and demand your money.

Let's go home. I want
you to fix my hair like this.

- I'll see you Monday, Mister Mooney.
- Just a moment.

You are going with me,

and you are going to
demand my money back.

That's a man's job.
Why should I do it?

Because he won't hit a woman!

I should've got
the next larger size.

There you are.

Yes, we've been waiting for you.

Hi, folks. I've been
looking for you.

You ran off today without
getting your trading stamps.

Where have you been?

We have been in jail.
That's where we've been.

Jail? Sir, I am shocked.

If I'd have known
you were of that ilk,

I never would have
done business with you.

You sold me a hot fur!

You mean that
was a stolen stole?

Believe me, I am the
victim of a misunderstanding.

No, I'm the victim, and
I want my $ back.

And you shall have it. Just let me
go to my apartment and I'll get it.

And we are going with you.

- Oh, I wish you wouldn't.
- Why not?

Because my apartment
is such a mess.

Look, you disappeared once. We're
not gonna let you get away with it again.

Sir, you mistrust me?

I certainly do.

It cuts me to the quick to think that
you have no faith in your fellow man.

Yeah, well, your fellow woman
doesn't have faith in you either.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

I am gonna let you hold the
keys to my car till I come back.

That seems like adequate
collateral for $ .

Thank you. I'll be back
in a flash with your cash.

[LAUGHING]

You know, Mister
Mooney, he is kind of cute.

Ha, ha. Maybe we misjudged him.

- Yeah, perhaps we were a bit hasty.
- Yeah.

- Oh, my, look at that car.
- Isn't it a beauty?

- I've always wanted a car like that.
- Really?

Yes, but Irma insists
that since I'm a banker,

I should drive something a little
less flashy, more conservative.

What is that thing you drive?

A Edsel.

Boy, that is conservative.

You know, I've always thought I'd
look rather dashing in a car like that.

Why don't you
get in and find out?

- No, I don't think I should.
- Go on, go on.

- Get in. Try it.
- Really?

Harry'll understand. He
seems like a regular guy.

Maybe so.

- Oh, it's such lovely upholstery.
- Yeah.

Ah. Oh, my, is it...?

Oh, and does it
feel comfortable.

Yeah, really? You look great.

With your goggles
and everything.

Okay, you, out of the car.

- Out? OFFICER: Out!

Well, now, officer,

if this car is parked
in a no parking zone,

it isn't my fault, you see.

It isn't my car.

Yes, I know it isn't your
car. Ha, ha. It's stolen.

Oh, no!

Let me have the keys.

Well, yes, certainly, the keys.

There you are,
Joe. Take care of it.

Come on. I'm taking you in.

- What? What do you mean?
- Come on, let's go. You too, lady.

- Why...? Yeah.
- What for?

For possession of a stolen car.

Well, Mrs. Carmichael,
you've done it again.

Gee, Mister Mooney,
it's not my fault.

Why don't you look
at the bright side?

Oh, there you go with that
bright side. What bright side?

Well, the first time we were arrested,
we were in a dingy jail downtown.

Now, we're in the beautiful
San Fernando Valley

with trees and
flowers all around.

And did you notice that
volleyball court as we came in?

That's for us prisoners.

Oh, will you be quiet?

I am not only out $ ,

now I am in jail
for stealing cars.

Oh, if I could just get my
hands on that swindler!

Ohh.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

What are you doing?

- I'm thinking.
- Don't!

Please don't!

Now, listen, Mister Mooney.
While we were in Harry's store,

that other man in there said that
he was going to meet him later

at some, uh... Some bird place.

Uh, uh, the, uh...

The Pink...! The Pink Pelican Club!
Said he's gonna meet him there later.

Now, we'll go there and find
him when we get out of here.

If we get out.

- Okay, you two.
- Oh, uh...

You can leave. Your
brother paid your bail.

Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, just a minute.

I don't have a brother.

What did he look like?

Oh, he was a big brute.

Yeah, he was about
-foot- , weighed pounds.

Very muscular,
and tough-looking.

That's my wife.

Sweet happiness, do it
one time for Harry. For Harry!

Hot, hot!

[DOOR BUZZING]

Yeah?

We're here to see Harry Barton.

Come on in.

This is a bird sanctuary?

Well, maybe they keep
the birds in the back.

This is a gambling joint.
Let's get out of here.

Now, wait a minute.
There's Harry.

Why don't you get your money
first, and then we'll get out.

Oh.

All... All right.

HARRY: Come on,
a big one! One time!

Come on, give me them!
Hot, hot, the man is hot!

I want to talk to you.

I'm busy now, you'll have...

Oh, it's you two crooks.

What's the idea
of stealing my car?

I stole your car?

Aha! You admit it.

I have had enough of
this. I want my $ back.

If you don't give it to him this minute,
we're gonna report it to the police.

All right. All right, I will
give you back your money.

But I don't have any cash right
now, I'll have to give you chips.

Chips? What would
I do with chips?

You cash them in right over
there. It's just like money.

Oh? Well, thank you.

Good, it's a pleasure to
have done business with you.

Right over here, Mister Mooney.

- Oh, look.
- What?

You know, I've never
played a slot machine.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael, you
are throwing your money away.

- Oh, come on, it's only a nickel.
- Well, only a nickel.

Oh, if you just realize how
important those little things are...

It's just one.

- I hit a jackpot!
- What?

- A jackpot!
- You did?

- I got a jackpot!
- Oh, my heavens.

[WHISTLE BLOWING & ALL SHOUTING]

MAN : Hey, you!
MAN : Hey, come on!

Okay.

Pardon me. You're
stepping on my nickels, sir.

Pardon me, sir,
you're stepping on...

You're under arrest.

I'm under arrest for what?

For gambling!

But, officer, we're
not gambling.

What are those little things
in your hand, tiddledywinks?

Get over there.

- Okay, come on. Get over there.
- Oh, I told you.

- Get over.
- You are the one... You always are...

- Why did you bring me in here?
- Shh!

- I told you this was gambling.
- Shh!

Why don't we go to the
Pink Pelican, Mister Mooney?

Why don't we get your money from
the bird watchers, Mister Mooney?

Oh, I should have known.

I should know better than to
listen to anything you ever say.

I'm sorry.

Well, I should hope so.

I also hope this terrible
day has taught you a lesson.

Oh, it has. It has.

I learned, out of all the jails in the
city, that Beverly Hills is the prettiest.

Mrs. Carmichael,

we work for one of the most
sedate banks in the country.

And in less than one day,

you have gotten us into more
jails than Bonnie and Clyde.

And, furthermore...

Hey, could you hold it down a
little bit. I'm trying to get some sleep.

What's the matter with you?

You act like you've
never been in jail before.

Oh, you keep out of this.
This is all your fault anyway.

Yeah, if it weren't for you,
we wouldn't even be here.

Hey, you got a visitor.

Oh, Mister Cheever.

Mooney, what does this mean?

Mister Cheever, I had to call
you, sir. You were my last resort.

You see, they want
more bail this time.

What do you mean this time?

Have you been in jail before?

Twice.

What for?

Eh, uh, well, you see, Mister Cheever,
I went out to buy a gift for my wife.

Yeah, and he bought a hot fur.

Will you keep quiet?

- Well, you did.
- Never mind that.

LUCY: That's what
got you in trouble.

Uh, ahem, then there was
this sports car, you see.

Yeah, he was in a stolen car.

A stolen car!

I was only trying to help.

Mooney, listen to me.

If there is one of word of publicity
that gets out and hurts the bank,

just one word, mind
you, you are through!

Well, that's not all. Tell
him about the other time.

- Tell him why we're in here.
- Oh and he... Oh!

Oh, yes. Well, you see,
we went to the Pink Pelican.

The Pink Pelican?

Yeah, it's a gambling joint,
and he was caught in a raid.

You didn't have to say that.

Never mind.

How much is your bail?

Eh, eh, oh.

$ .

Each.

I don't have $ , cash on me.

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael...

- Don't yell at the little
lady. MOONEY: What?

You ain't no gentleman.

I will lend you the
$ , for the bail.

And your boyfriend
will pay it back.

Here's the , .

- Thank you.
- And here's another .

Would you ask that very
nice-looking gentleman

if he would pay my bail too?

Yes, yes.

Here's our bail money.

All right. I'll take care of it.

[SHUDDERING]

Well, all's well that ends well.

Oh, that's what I need.

A redheaded Pollyanna.

Why can't you be nice?

Nice?

After all the trouble she's caused
me, you expect me to be nice?

Forgive and forget.
That's my motto.

Eh.

Well, you're
right, you're right.

I guess this has been just a
series of misunderstandings.

Yes, it has. And thank
you, Mister Mooney.

- Oh, that's all right.
- Thank you.

I guess I lose my
temper a little bit.

Get in there!

Mister Cheever?

What, uh, ahem...?

What did they
put you in jail for?

For paying your bail
with counterfeit money.

I never thought they'd suspect
a classy-looking gent like him.

Well, live and learn.
That's my motto.

[LAUGHING]

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]