05x02 - d*ck for Tat

[bunniefuu]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

Ahhh, isn't this
great? Look at us.

An earth family sitting
around together

On a beautiful autumn evening,

Playing a nice, friendly game.

Yeah, a game called
sex or consequences.

"The naughty, bawdy
adult party game

Where everybody
wants to be on top!"

Whoopee.

Oh, come on, sally.
You're not even trying.

Look how far you are
from "the erogenous zone."

Fine.

Ok, "lover or loser."

That should be fun.

"With what celebrity
would you be tempted

To cheat on your mate?"

Jon voight!

Man, let her answer.

Say "jon voight."

I don't have a mate
to cheat on, ok?

Uh-uh. That sends you right back

To "chastity corner."

I'm done.

Tommy, will you please move

Her little metal
buttocks back 5 spaces?

Uh, excuse me.
Sally is the tongue.

I am the buttocks.

You think she's ok?

Sally? Sure.

She just gets this way sometimes

Since her painful
breakup with don.

Huh. Which one?

Well, I hear that.

Tommy, your spin.

1, 2, 3...

"Swap partners and smooch"?

Ooh. Sexy!

Hey! No, no, no!

d*ck, why don't you go
play this with dr. Albright?

Ok? Oh, fine.

But that's the last
time I bring home

A sexually explicit board game

For this family!

I hate that game.

You wanna play strip parcheesi?

You're on!

Oh, good morning, d*ck.

Strudwick.

Must you slurp?

Sorry. It's a rich,
delicious cappuccino.

I just made it.

So you have a
cappuccino machine.

It's a gift from the chancellor.

Just to acknowledge
the success of my book.

Oh, yes. Your little
pamphlet on physics.

It's going into
its third printing.

Yep. It's quite a machine.

It's got an auto-frother.

Oh, well, I prefer
to froth manually.

Would you like me to make
you a little cappy, d*ck?

Oh, no, thank you, strudwick.

I find that excessive caffeine

Tends to make one look puffy.

Like a jerk.

Ok.

We got one pastrami lasorda,

Mm-mmm...

And one mozzarella fitzgerald.

I don't get the names
of these sandwiches.

Tommy, here's your
hammy connick jr.

Well, that one's obvious.

Look, it's piled high
with ham and connick.

Yeah.

Don!

Nice motorcycle, man!

Shiny!

Sally...

Been a while.

That is the most
incredible machine

I've ever seen.

You're looking at rutherford
p.d.'S one and only hog.

I've been waiting
5 years to get my...

Get back on it.

Excuse me?

Get back on it.

Oh, yeah.

Can I buy you a wrap?

Ok.

Uhh...

Uhh...

Unbelievable.

Every hot mama in this place

Was checking him out.

What's the deal?

Must be the machine.

Hot mamas love the machine.

Why?

Why do the hot mamas care?

I don't know.

But I'll tell you
something, me little buddy...

I'm gonna find out.

Hey!

4, 5, 6.

Straight to martini
island! All right!

Would you like me to shake it?

Oh, please.

Mmmmm...

Mmm!

Ha ha.

This beats the
scrap out of crabble.

Ahh, "naughty or nice."

"What's the craziest thing
you've ever done in bed?"

Well...

There was the time I staged

A reading of othello,

And the role of desdemona

Was played by a down comforter.

I'm not going to give
you any spaces for that.

"Truth or dare."

"Who was your last fling?"

Oh...

That would have to be...

Vincent strudwick.

Ha ha ha... Ha ha ha...

Strudwick!

No!

Yes!

I'm back on martini island!

You can set me up.

You can kiss my tiny pewter ass!

Oh, I can't get his
face out of my mind!

Strudwick's?

No, nina. Little davey tennant,
the boy down the block.

You see, ever since
he was 3 years old,

Davey's wanted
more than anything

To see a real
professional baseball game.

He wished the biggest wish

His little heart could muster.

But his dad was laid off

And couldn't afford the tickets.

Well... One day last week,

Little davey was outside

Playing ball like
he always does,

And who should
walk up the block,

Tall as a building,

But home-run king mark mcgwire.

To see little
davey's eyes light up

As mcgwire handed him 4
seats on the first base line,

Well, it's something
that I will never forget.

Yes, strudwick's face!

Stop asking such
stupid questions!

Look, you knew about her past.

Yeah, but until last night,
her past was... Was faceless!

Now it's got a face.

The fuzzy, smirking face
of vincent w. Strudwick.

I am so hung over.

Ohh.

Well, mary, that's just
nature's way of telling you

What a tramp you are.

What?

Mary, did you fill
out your form 8-as

For your graduate-level courses?

I didn't think we needed those

Until next semester.

Strudwick: the
bursar's office says

We need them before midterms.

I'd better get on that. Do
you have any blank ones?

Fresh out. But they've got them
at the administration building.

Oh, I'll call helen.

Oh, why don't you
two just get a room?

I'll bring some by later.

What is your problem?

Oh, my problem?

So it's my problem

That you had an
affair with strudwick.

Nina, how could you tell him?

You told him.

Oh, I told hi...

Oh, I told him.

Oh, d*ck, you've
got to understand.

Vincent and dottie
were separated.

It was 7 years ago.

I didn't even know you
then. It's ancient history!

Oh, ancient history?

Ancient history
is dead people...

Pyramids, gladiators
smiting lions,

A bottle of milk for a nickel.

This is not ancient history!

Oh, my god, I can
still smell him on you!

Hey, I read this crazy statistic

In the paper this morning.

Did you know that
70% of people our age

Are sexually active?

And 40% have inhaled solvents.

Really. So, uh...

Which crowd you
want to hang with?

Are you suggesting
that we have sex?

Well, you... Or inhale solvents.

You know, it's really up to you.

I'm just trying to
be a gentleman here.

Well, the guys at the dealership
wouldn't sell me a harley.

They said I didn't
have enough money.

Bummer. Did they have
something cheaper?

Well, they had a yamaha.

But I didn't have enough
money for that either.

How much money do you have?

I have no money.

You didn't plan this
out very well, did you?

No, sir, I did not.

Hello. Something wrong?

Yes, something's wrong.

Thanks to that mincing
cretin, vincent strudwick!

Hey, that's my dad
you're talking about.

Oh, I am so sorry, honey.

What was I thinking?

Would you please leave
so I can trash your father?

But we...

Get out!

d*ck!

Tommy...

I don't know how
to break this to you.

Oh, my god, what is it?

Now try to stay calm.

Here it comes.

7 Years ago, my beloved mary

Had a torrid affair
with vincent strudwick.

Oh, god. I thought
it was going to be

Something I cared about.

Hey, d*ck.

Harry?

There's no good way to
hear something like this.

You might want to sit down.

Albright dorked strudwick.

I almost sat down for that?

The universe is out of balance.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

Strudwick gets
everything I deserve.

If it's not a
cappuccino machine,

It's a book deal.

If it's not a book
deal, it's mary.

If it's not mary, it's...

A cappuccino machine.

Well, maybe you
should even the score.

Yes. Yes!

I could sleep with
strudwick's wife!

Well, I was thinking you
could get a cappuccino machine.

Wait. d*ck, you're
talking about sleeping

With my girlfriend's mother?

Uh-huh.

Don't you see? Alissa
looks up to her mom.

If you do that, it'll
undermine all of her morality,

All of the values that she spent
years trying to instill in alissa.

That is so perfect!

Pave the way for the
little guy, caligula!

Hey, hey!

What?

We could take them out together!

What could be cooler

Than double-dating
with your dad?!

Hey, yes!

Yeah!

How fast will this baby go?

You want to go faster, baby?

Oh, yeah, let's go faster, baby!

You got it, baby!

Aaah!

Redline it, baby!
Redline this hog!

This is a hospital zone, baby.

Do it, baby! Do it!

Pop a wheelie!

Yeah! Aaaah!

Sally: that's it, baby.
Taste the asphalt!

Hello, alissa.

Tommy forgot his air freshener.

His what?

He was supposed to
forget his bookbag,

But he forgot to forget it.

Oh, thank you, d*ck.

Mm-hmm.

Well, ok. Bye.

Oh, uh... As long as I'm here,

Is... Is your father
at home? No.

Uh... Is... Is your
mother at home?

Yeah, but she's in the shower.

Oh. In the shower.

Then my work is half done.

Oh! Ohhh!

Hi, dottie.

D-dr. Solomon?

Oh, call me d*ck.

Please, sit down.

What are you doing here?

Let me explain.

You see, 7 years ago,

Your husband slept
with my girlfriend

Mary albright?

Vincent? Slept with mary?

Yeah, I know. It's an outrage.

But let's address the
situation like rational adults.

For the sake of both
our relationships,

You and I need to
sleep together. Agreed?

I don't believe this.

Well, I know, but
it's the only way.

Uh, fortunately, we're
both very attractive,

So it needn't be an
unpleasant experience.

Oh, I am going to get him!

Now you're talking.

What say we climb
back into that shower

And get it on, huh?

Mom?

Oh, my god!

Uh, alissa, please.

Your mother and I
need to make love.

So, uh...

Shall we leave
these adults alone

And adjourn to the jacuzzi?

Ohhh!

Ohhhh!

Ohh.

What just went wrong here?

I honestly don't know.

Doing ok in there, donny?

Mmmm.

Boy, he don't look
so good, do he?

Down at the precinct,

They're calling
him the human scab.

Ok, how's my patient doing?

What? You mean the
skinless wonder?

I'm referring to don.

Or as we're calling him here...

Don tartare.

Ol' gravelback!

How about the
amazing colossal scab!

I already had the human scab.

Yeah, that was good, too.

Mine's just a bit
more... Clever.

Sally: oh, don!

Don! Look at you!

That is don, right?

Yeah.

Oh, don.

How is it he looks like that,

And you look like that?

Well, you see, we were
going into the skid,

And... I...

I just used donny's
body as a sled.

Oh, god. He was so heroic.

Now look at you.

Oh... Prone, helpless...

Tied up.

See, it never fails.

Babes love guys on machines.

Well, that's good for don,

'Cause he's gonna be hooked up

To that mechanical
bladder for quite a while.

I think it's sexy.

Have you gotten dottie
strudwick on the phone?

She keeps hanging up.

Ohhh. Please clean up
your phone manners, nina.

I'm trying to sleep
with this woman.

You're having me call

So you can sleep with her?

Oh, nina.

You're right, that
is so impersonal.

I'll bring her
flowers and candy.

No, no!

Just flowers.

I don't want her fat.

What's the rush?

Oh, I'm off to the florist,

Then sex with dottie strudwick,

Then, hey, what say I
swing by and pick you up

For a celebratory
dinner at mario's, huh?

Lovely.

I don't know how
the hell he thinks

He's gonna get a
reservation at mario's...

Nina, what did he just say?

He's going to the florist.

No, no, no, no. After that,

But before mario's?

Strudwick's.

Oh, my god!

Dottie!

Dottie?!

Are you home?

The door was open!

d*ck: dottie?

Are you home?

The door was open!

Mary, what are you doing here?

I came here to stop you

From doing something
completely irrational.

Mary, please. It's
perfectly rational.

I'm evening the
score with strudwick.

It doesn't even involve you.

What?!

Oh, god. Now I've got to
explain things to dottie.

Oh, no, don't. I want
to keep her mad.

Anger breeds revenge.

Strudwick: dottie? Dottie?!

Honey, the front
door was wide open...

d*ck. Mary.

What the hell is going on?

What are you doing
here, strudwick?

This is my master suite.

Why the hell are you here?

I'm trying to stop mary

From talking to your wife.

About what? Oh,
like you don't know.

Oh, my god.

No, no. She's got to understand

That what happened
between us was a mistake.

I didn't know it was
a trial separation.

Mary, what are you thinking?

What is going on out here?

Hi, pumpkin.

Pumpkin?! Who are
you calling pumpkin?

Should I turn off
the jets, dottie?

Dottie, what is our
pool guy doing here?

Oh, my god!

You have a pool?

God.

It's all out in
the open, vincent.

You and your
dirty little secret.

We were separated. It
was a trial separation.

I did not know that at the time.

Ohhhhh.

Oh, for god's sake, dottie...

I'll get dressed.

What a ripoff.

Look what you've done.

Oh, me?

You're the one who had the fling

With a married strudwick

And then got drunk
and blabbed all about it.

Ok...

But, d*ck, you've
got to understand.

I had a life before I met you.

But I didn't.

I feel like my life
on earth started

When I met you.

You're the only thing that's
been mine and mine alone.

In the "mary" column,
it's always been d*ck, one,

Strudwick, zero.

And now it's a tie.

Well, if it would make
you feel any better,

You've been to the plate
a hell of a lot more times

Than he has.

Oh, mary.

Oh, d*ck.

Now let's go to mario's.

d*ck?

I'll meet you there.

I'm gonna go pee in his pool.

d*ck!

Right.

Don. Ohhh!

Sally.

What are you doing here?

I had to come.

We've been apart too long.

I must be with you.

I don't have any skin.

Ow!

I can't resist you any longer!

Ohhh!

Shh!

I'll be gentle.

Aaaah! Oooh!

Ohhh! Oh. Ah.

So, tommy, how did
alissa take all this?

Well, she kicked me...

Very hard. In the, uh,

Swimsuit area.

Oooh. Oooh.

But that counts as
second base action, right?

Well, in my book it does.

You know, these terry-go-rounds

Are really comfortable.

Yeah, they really are.

It's the towel that
wears like a pants.

Hmmm. Hmmm.

Hey, d*ck, you
feeling any better?

Ohh, a little.

But, you know, there's
still an empty space

On my scorecard.

Everyone else in the game...

Everyone but me...

Has gotten some
forbidden nookie.

What's up with that?

Hon, I think it's time

To let it go.

Oh, you're right.

The past is past.

Time only moves in one direction

On this planet.

I just have to move on.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I can't let it go!

Uh, hello. You don't know me,

But my girlfriend's
ex-lover's wife

Slept with your husband.

Excuse me?

Ok, that's not important.

What's important is

That the universe
is out of balance,

And the only way for us

To bring some measure
of justice to the world

Is for you and me to make love.

Man: what's going
on there, carmen?

Hi, d*ck.

Nooooooo!