05x03 - The Fifth Solomon

[bunniefuu]

Hi, sally. It's me
d*ck. I'm in the car.

I'm on the new cellular, silly.

Yeah.

So, what are you guys doing?

Tv? Oh, what's on?

Oh, that's my favorite show!

I tell you what, put
the phone up to the tv.

Uh, d*ck, watch the road.

Oh, sally, hang on.

Do you wanna eat pizza tonight?

No, no, I'll call 'em.

I've got a coupon
in my wallet. Yeah.

Bye-bye.

d*ck, you drive. I...
I'll call in the order.

Now, where's that coupon?

Oh, here, I'll get the coupon.

I'll get the coupon...

Can't you just order a
pizza when we get home?

Oh, here it is.

Here, now. You see, mary?

Everything's fine...

And we'll have nice... Hot...

Piping... Pizza...

When we... Get...

Di-i-ick!

I... I don't know how
this could've happened.

I-it just came out of nowhere.

d*ck, those tire tracks

Tell a different story.

It looks like you
drove off the road

And straight into this tree.

Well, that tree must be new

Because I've driven off
this road several times,

And I never hit it once.

Were you distracted, maybe
take your eyes off the road?

No.

He was ordering a pizza.

Mary... That's...

That's the whiplash talking.

Well, in any case!

An accident report
has to be filed.

It's just a good thing
you aren't drunk, d*ck.

Because that would be
a lot more paperwork!

Oh, mary... What am I gonna do?

You should call your
insurance company.

My insurance company?

Oh, don't tell me
you're not covered.

Well, uh, of course I'm covered.

I'm with the same
insurance company as you.

What's their number again?

Oh.

It's on the back of this card.

Here, I'll call them right now

On my brand-new cellular phone.

Now, where is it?

Here it is.

Don! Wait up!

All right, missy!

You're off my speed dial!

Well...

There it is, g*ng.

Oh, my god, d*ck,

What the hell did you do?

How're we gonna get groceries?

Yeah! Or tow each other
around the block on skateboards?

Come on! Just be
thankful I wasn't k*lled!

You're right.

'Cause then we'd have to
find a ride to your funeral

'Cause you wrecked
our freakin' car!

I'm gonna talk to the mechanic.

If I don't get in that office

And find a calendar with greasy
women posing on car hoods...

I swear to god...

I'm breaking something.

Ok now, you need to chill out.

I'm breaking something.

Mr. Solomon.

Gary parkinson, buckeye
fidelity insurance.

You called about your rambler.

Oh, yes, gary.

Thank you for getting
here so quickly.

Here it is.

This car's been in an accident.

You bet. Why else
would I want insurance?

No. You have to buy the
insurance before the accident.

Say again?

You have to buy the insurance

Before the accident.

Oh, I see.

So that's how this little
scam of yours works.

No. It's...

You people are the
worst kind of scum,

You know that?

Now, if you'll excuse me, gary,

I have to get back to my...

Respectable job!

Try finding another sucker.

Good day, sir.

Well, I'm screwed.

Well, uh, maybe you
should rent a car.

Oh. And I suppose
if I had insurance,

You'd pay for that, too.

Yeah, we would.

Good day, sir!

Oh. Hi.

Gary parkinson, buckeye
fidelity insurance.

Ohh. Harry solomon.

That's all I got.

Harry, how would
you like to experience

Complete peace of mind?

Well...

I don't know.

I hear that.

Bam!

What?

You just got hit by a bus.

Who's gonna take
care of your family?

Well, I'd say the bus
driver owes me one.

After he found out you
didn't have insurance,

He d*ed laughing.

But it doesn't have
to be that way, harry.

I'll show you how you
can build a safer tomorrow

Today, with insurance.

Whoa! You'd do that for me?

Harry, you might find that
a good insurance salesman

Can become your best friend.

Gosh.

You just give me the go-ahead,

And bam! You're insured!

Give me a call, ok?

All right.

Bam!

Hey...

You did what I did.

All right!

Bam!

There it is again.

Bam! Ok, ok.

Bam.

I like that guy.

So, what do you think?

About what?

My rental car. Isn't it great?

Not really.

Not really?

Nina, just watch
what this baby can do.

What?

It started right up.

And listen to this.

It's called fm radio.

There's jazz, there's rock...

Or my personal favorite,

Latin salsa.

All cars have that.

Well, not the rambler.

If I'd known what an
antiquated piece of crap

That car was, I would've
crashed it years ago.

Oh, and, uh, speaking of crap...

I just noticed a little
something on my windshield.

Gee, I wish there was some
way I could get rid of that.

Wait a second, what's this?

Will you look at that?

Blue juice at the
touch of a button.

Now, tell me that's
not damn cool.

I have to get
back to the office.

Yeah. Me, too.

d*ck, open the door.

Oh, are they locked?
Gee, I'm sorry.

You locked them again.

Well, allow me to
unlock them for you.

You unlock these
doors right now!

You didn't say the password.

What's the password?

The password is...

Salsa!

All right. Your total is...

$4,955.

What?

$4,955?

There was significant damage.

Well, I think if we
try really hard,

We can get this number
down just a little bit.

Look at this:

"Replace crankshaft"?

Do we really need that?

If you want the car to go.

Ok, but right here, uh,

"New brake lines
front and rear."

Can't we just go
with one or the other?

Not if you want the car to stop.

Yeah...

Ah! Ah! Ah! "New hood ornament"?

We do not need
that, and you know it.

Fine. I'll leave it off.

You can't just leave that
off. That makes the car.

Yeah.

Just... Tell me what you want.

We want you to drop the attitude

And put the new hood
ornament on the damn car!

Now let's crunch these
numbers one more time

And see what we got, ok?

Your total's $4,955.

Now we're talking.

That wasn't so hard
now, was it, sweetie?

Get back to work, all right?

Lock doors.

Unlock doors.

Open truck.

Close trunk.

Close trunk.

Oh, damn.

I guess I'll have to learn
to close my own trunk.

Hello, d*ck.

Oh, hey, don.

You want to go
for a spin in my...

Sweet ride?

Sorry, d*ck. I'm here on
official police business.

I was going over
your accident report,

And I noticed you didn't
fill out your insurance info.

Oh, that's because I
don't have any insurance.

But, d*ck, that's
just plain crazy!

You have to have insurance.

Why? It's just a
bet against myself.

The only way I can
win my money back

Is by getting horribly injured.

You know, d*ck, you
have a good point.

I don't even know why I'm here.

Oh, wait, I know why I'm here.

Because it's the law!

No, it's not.

Yes, it is. No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

Well, I subscribe
to nature's law.

The industrious beaver
doesn't insure his dam,

Does he? No!

He rolls the dice.

And if a flood should strike,

He smiles his toothed grin,

Slaps his tail upon the water,

And flies away!

I'm just gonna put
down state farm.

"Arthritis"?

No.

"Asthma"?

No.

"Have you smoked
in the last 5 years?"

Yes.

No, you haven't.

Yes, I have.

You really haven't.

Yes.

I really have.

Oops! Already checked "no."

Well, that's unfortunate,

'Cause I enjoy the
occasional cigar.

I didn't hear that.

I said I enjoy

The occasional cigar!

You don't smoke.

Hell, I'll smoke that
banana right there.

You don't smoke!

Ok. I don't smoke.

You know, I really do smoke.

Wow!

Great ride, isn't it?

Whatever. Yup.

Rental car is superior
to the rambler

In every way.

I don't like the
way it smells, d*ck.

It's got kind of
a new-car smell.

Mm. And then the... The way

The headlights just
mold into the front grill.

It's just...

It's smug!

Mm. It's trying too hard.

Yeah.

Let's just get
the rambler fixed.

No.

Our friend the mechanic said

He'd give us $400
for the old heap.

$400!

We're trading up.

The 2000s are in,
and the 99s must go.

Prices are slashed so low,
we won't believe our eyes.

We're talking well
equipped models,

Priced to move!

Well, if they're
priced to move...

I don't know. I'm sure we'll
see savings like this again.

These are once-in-a-lifetime!

All right.

Wow...

"Loss of any limb, $5,000"?

Hmm.

So... If I lost a foot,

Um, do I get credit
for the toes, too?

$200 Per digit.

Wow! I have a nice
little nest egg.

That's if they get cut off.

When they get cut off.

Right.

You know, harry,
I was looking over

Your disability policy,

And you could benefit from
some additional coverage.

Oh, no, no, thanks.

I appreciate your
looking after me,

But I really can't
afford any more.

Ok.

W-well, wh-what...

W-wait a second.
Where you going?

Well, I just thought
you were serious

About wanting to
protect your family,

But I guess I was wrong.

Just forget the whole thing!

Well, wait a second, gary.

Don't say it like that.

I do care about my family.

That's what they all say.

Whoa, whoa, wait a
second, wait a second.

Wh-what if we were
to tack on an extra...

$100,000?

Come on! Help me out here!

Tch. You got it.

Aww...

Oh, uh, by the way, gary,

You know that pencil you
gave me with your name on it?

Yeah?

I still haven't sharpened it.

All right. Here you go.

400 Bucks.

Oh. Not bad for a day's work.

I could make a tidy
living crashing cars.

So, george, what now?

Couple of fenders, new
coat of paint, and then...

Long slow drives in the
country with the missus?

Actually, we're gonna...

Chop it up and
strip it for parts.

Oh. Well...

You're not gonna tell me
what to do with my money,

I'm not gonna tell you
what to do with your car.

Happy chopping.

So long, george.

d*ck.

So long, car.

I just said good-bye to a car.

What's that all about?

Sorry. I didn't mean it.

Whoa.

Yeah. Is gary in?

Still in a meeting.

Ok, I'll hold.

Oh, I can't hold.

Ok. Well, um,

Just tell him I called.

Again. Third time now.

Ok. Bye-bye.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Well, here it is. $400.

So you sold the rambler.

Yeah. And the funniest
thing happened.

When I was leaving,
I said good-bye to it.

Like it was a person,

Like it would
actually answer back.

You talked to the car?

I... I know it makes
no sense. I mean...

I-it's only a car.

It can't think. It can't feel.

Ha! d*ck, it's like
you actually miss

That broken-down pile of junk.

I do.

Good. 'Cause I do, too.

I miss the hell out of it, too!

Oh, this is crazy. I mean...

The rambler's just a thing!

You're right.
It's just a big pile

Of metal and rubber.

And gaskets. And hoses.

And that cr*ck in the leather

With the foam sticking out.

It kind of pinched you.

So nice.

I loved that cr*ck.

That was a great cr*ck.

Ok, what's wrong with us?

It's like our emotions
can't tell the difference

Between an inanimate
object and a sentient being.

Yeah. Somehow we
got so attached to it.

Like it was a member
of our family.

All right, this is ridiculous.

We're never gonna
get the rambler back.

It would cost us $5,000
that we don't have.

What we do have is...

A first payment on a new car.

A better car.

Yeah! One with better seats!

Sun roof!

Moon roof!

Cd changer with
6-speaker stereo surround.

Clock.

Clock? We can get a clock?

You bet your ass
we can get a clock.

All right!

Yes. "Buckeye
fidelity insurance,"

Can I speak with gary
parkinson please?

Still in a meeting.

No, I don't want his voice mail!

That man sold me insurance!

Boy!

You have got to
stop calling him.

I just need to talk
to him. I don't get it.

Everything was going so great.

Why won't he call me?

Oh, for god's sake!
Sit down, harry.

There's only one way to
get a man to call you back.

You don't call him.
You don't write him.

You don't even think about him.

You have moved on.

I've moved on.

You don't care if he
calls. I don't give a lick.

You make him... Come to you.

He comes to me.

Because if he calls
you back, harry...

He's yours forever.

But... If he doesn't...

He was never your
insurance agent

To begin with.

Boy, it's a nice
night, isn't it?

Uh-huh.

I've never seen the
doughnut shop so crowded.

Uh-huh.

Oh, look, d*ck.

A wolf just chewed off my ankle.

Uh-huh.

Ok, d*ck, what's going on?

Mary, I've done something awful.

What did you do?

I've been unfaithful.

Oh, d*ck! How could you?

I don't... I don't know.

At first it just
seemed so... New

And exciting.

It's tina swain from the
history department, isn't it?

You know they're fake.

What are you talking about?

The other woman.

The other woman...

Mary, I'm talking about my car!

Why does everything
have to be about you?

Oh.

So I said to myself, "harry,

You are walking around
without catastrophic dental."

We can't have that, can we?

No, we cannot, ted.

Let's talk about deductibles.

Harry?

What are you doing here?

Oh. Hi, gary.

I'm just upping my coverage.

Why are you talking to ted?

Well, I couldn't get
you on the phone.

Ted picked right up.

You mind, gary? I'm
right in the middle

Of writing a policy here.

Butt out! This is
between me and him!

I'm interested in your
boat and home policy.

What is this?

You never told
me you had a boat!

Well, you never asked.

For pleasure
craft under 30 feet...

Hey... He's my client,

You son of a bitch!

Get out of my cubicle!

All right, fellas,
fellas. Please!

Don't fight over
me. It's unseemly.

I'll be in touch, ted...

"Ashby."

I'll call you tonight.

Bam!

Ahh...

Somehow the stars

Always seem so much brighter

From inside this car.

Mm. This is the
first place on earth

That we ever... You know...

Sat.

Hey...

What are you guys
doing in my car?

Oh... Sorry, george.

We'll just be another minute.

Oh... Hurry up. Tow
truck's on its way.

Man, you guys remember
when we first saw this thing?

We laughed so hard.

What a primitive form
of transportation.

It's so loud.

So uncomfortable.

And slow.

I mean, moving parts? Come on!

But then the first
time we took a drive,

Wow. The wind in our hair...

The rain in our hair...

The snow in our hair...

And then we learned
about the top.

Well, old gal...

I guess this is it.

Hopefully, some of your parts

Will go to help some other car

Live a long and happy life.

We just want you to know

That whenever we see a rambler

Proudly rolling
down the highway,

We'll think of you.

Good-bye, old friend.

All right, back it up.

Come on back. Come on.

I can't take it anymore!

Noooo!

What are you doing?

Ow! That hurt!

Harry: it did.

Wait a minute.

Harry's got insurance!

Harry: harry's in
throbbing pain...

What do you mean?

We can fix the car!

Yeah! He's got to have at
least $5,000 worth of damage

On his face alone!

You think?

Look at where his nose is!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Harry: ow!

Aww... Aww... Aww...

Sorry.

That might be enough
for a cd changer.

Look at that rambler
shining in the moonlight.

Yeah. It's great.
Just like the old days.

Yup. Stalled twice
on the way home,

And the muffler's in the trunk.

Yeah. All's right
with the world.

Yeah. I'm just glad
I had insurance.

Thank you, harry.

Oww!

You know, it's weird.

Humans are not
very discriminating.

I mean, they become as
emotionally attached to objects

As they do to people.

No, it's not just
the objects, sally.

It's the memories and feelings

That we associate with them.

But then where
does that end? I mean,

We have memories and feelings
associated with everything.

I'm surprised we can
throw out garbage.

Garbage?

Who's been throwing out garbage?

I thought I was very
clear about that!

No, no. He told...