03x21 - Gown and Out

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

♪ ♪

- Welcome back to the Little
Miss Royal Woods Pageant

Up next, we are kicking off
the talent portion

with Lola Loud
and her famous ribbon dance.

♪ ♪

- It's Lola.

- Go Lola, Go Lola!
[cheering]

- Notice how the ribbon
never touches the floor.

Sign of a real pro.

- How would you define
true beauty?

- To me, true beauty means
having big hair

and an even bigger heart.

all: Aww!

- Yes, perfect balance
of sap and sass.

- Okay, how do you
know this junk?

- Do you seriously not remember
when I was

the twins' pageant coach?

Shh! They're announcing
the winner!

- And your next
Little Miss Royal Woods is...

[all gasp]
You guessed it...

[all gasp]
Lola!

- What?
[cheering]

- Ohh, we are
so proud of you, sweetie.

- Thanks, you guys.
It was nothin'.

- I have some exciting news,sweetie.

Winning this title
qualifies you

for the Little Miss
Southeastern Michigan Pageant!

- What? A regional pageant?

I--I've never competed
at that level before.

- Pack your bags, 'cause it's-a
coming up next weekend!

- Wow!
- Next weekend?

Ugh, I have my pastry workshop.

- And I have
my dental conference.

- But--but it's my first sh*t
at the big time.

- Are you looking at me?

I can feel you
looking at me.

Uh, look, no offense,
but being a pageant chaperone

isn't really how
I planned to spend my weekend.

- What if we threw in
a spa package? Hmm?

- You literally have a deal.
- [laughs] Thanks, Lori!

Lola Loud, checking in
for Little Miss

Southeastern Michigan.

Hi, I'm Lola.
Isn't it exciting

to be competing
in the big leagues? [laughs]

- Well, not as exciting
as nationals last year.

But it could be fun.

- Hi, I'm Chinah,
with two Hs.

- She holds the record
for the most titles won

before age seven.
- Oh, that's nothing.

Jackie here does
toothpaste commercials.

- And my name is Claudette.
- Whoa!

Are those sequins
French crystal?

- Oui. All of my gowns
are made in Paris.

And yours?
- [laughs nervously]

- Come on, Lola,
I got our room key.

- [chuckles] Oh, darn.
Gotta run.

Okay, okay, stay cool, Lola.

Just 'cause these girl
shave fancy dresses,

shiny teeth and names
with extra letters

doesn't mean you can't
compete with them. [laughs]

[groans]
- [struggling efforts]

Ah, ah, ah! Ahh!

[crashing]
[grunts]

Well, good luck
at rehearsal.

Not that you need it.
- Thanks, sis!

Enjoy your spa day!
- Uh, believe me,

I will.
[spine cracks]

What do you mean you're full?

Can't you please squeeze me in?

I'll take your worst masseuse.

- Hmm, I'm afraid
Greg's booked too.

We had, like, pageant moms
request deep tissue.

- [sighs] Yeah, I get that.

It's okay. I'll just
try again tomorrow.

[cracking]
- Ow, Greg! That's my spleen!

- Next up, talent.
Jackie, let's see

your gymnastics routine.

- Oh, [laughs] tumbling.
Cute.

- And there she goes!

Giant swing move
with a full release.

She spins degrees
and then a half turn

with a glide jump
and a handstand.

- [sighs]
- Eh, not my best.

- Next up, we have
Lola performing...

oh, uh, a--a ribbon dance.

Cute.
- [chuckles softly]

[groans]

Ahh!
[crashing]

[grunts]

- What is the single most
significant event

in human history?
- Great question.

It depends whether we approach
from a socioeconomic

or geopolitical perspective.

- Ahh! Excuse me.
excuse me!

- Oh, hey, beauty queen.
How were rehearsals?

Did you k*ll it?
- Uh, yeah. [laughs nervously]

You know it!
Crown's in the bag.

Uh, I'm just gonna go
steam my pores for tomorrow.

[inhales, exhales deeply]

[dialing]

- Lola! What's wrong?

[gasps]
Did your hair fall flat?

- No, it's not my hair.

It's the other contestants.

They're...um...eh...

[whispering inaudibly]

- What was that?
- They're...better than I am!

What if I don't win?

What if I lo--lo--

[stomach rumbles]
[retches]

I can't even say it
without getting nauseous!

- Lola, you're not
going to lose.

You're a pageant powerhouse.

Now make sure you get
to bed early tonight.

You don't wanna wake up
all puffy-eyed and blotchy.

- Yeah, yeah.

[mischievous music]

Or do I?

- [yawns]

Ah! [gasps]Lola!

What happened?
- [coughs]

I don't know. I do feel
a little under the weather,

but the pageant must go on.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You are clearly sick.
I'm so sorry, Lola.

I know how much
you wanted to compete,

but you just can't.

- [sighs] That's all right.

I'll get over it.

Someday.

Well, enjoy the spa!

- Psh, forget the spa.

I am staying right here.
Maybe a fun sister day

will help cheer you up.
- What?! No!

You don't have to do that.

- I know I don't have to.
I want to.

Now, sit tight. I'm gonna hit
the gift shop for supplies.

[giggles]

- [groaning]

- I'm back!
[gasps] Oh, good!

The flowers
and balloons arrived.

First up, mani-pedis.

I got coral and sea foam.
You get first pick.

- Whoa, these are
the fancy brand.

- What's money when
you have a sick sister?

- Ugh.
- Room service, I'd like

two chocolate chip cookies.

Warm, please, with your
coldest milk.

- But those cookies
are $ . each!

- What else am I gonna do with
my really hard-earned

babysitting money?

And the winner of
the Little Miss Unsightly

Skin Rash Pageants is...

Miss Lola Loud!

♪ Oh, Little Miss Unsightly
Skin Rash ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da ♪

- [crying]

- Lola! What's wrong?

Is your condition
getting worse?

- No, I don't have a
condition...

unless you count being
a terrible person.

I'm not really sick.
I faked all this with makeup

to get out of the pageant.
[sniffles]

- But why?
I don't understand.

- Well, I've never competed
at this level before,

and the other girls
are really talented.

I couldn't stand the idea of
lo--lo--lo--

[retches]

- Losing?

- Yeah, that thing.

I'm sorry I lied.
I understand if you're mad.

- Actually, Loles, I'm not.

- Really?
- No, I get it.

I almost skipped homecoming
because I was worried

I wouldn't win queen.

But in the end,
I sucked it up,

put on my dress
and went anyway.

And I'm so glad I did.

- But I thought Carol Pingrey
won homecoming queen.

- Oh, she totally did.

And it definitely hurt
at first.

But if I hadn't gone,
I would've missed out

on an amazing night.

The competition is going to get
tougher as you get older.

But you can't let it
stop you from--

- Doing what makes me happy?

- Exactly! So what do you say?

You still wanna do this thing?

- Yes. But it's too late.

The pageant starts
in ten minutes

and look at me,
I'm complete disaster.

- Don't worry.
I'm calling an expert.

[phone dialing]
- Okay, Lori,

grab a makeup wipe--the one
with the green tea extract.

We don't need to be
irritating the skin right now.

- One with green tea extract.
Check.

- And start warming up
the curling iron

while you're at it.

Ugh! The one inch barrel,

not the three quarters!

Have you ever heat styled
before, woman?

- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Little Miss

Southeastern
Michigan Pageant.

♪ Beautiful girls
I'm talkin' 'bout ♪

♪ The beautiful girls ♪

♪ Just crazy for
the beautiful girls ♪

- Go get 'em, Lola!
- Remember:

eyes forward, chin up,
tushy clenched.

- Let's meet our contestants.

♪ Let's hear it for
these beautiful girls ♪

[cheers and applause]

Lola Loud
and her ribbon dance.

[upbeat music]

[cheering]

♪ ♪

- It's like she's
one with the ribbon.

- Literally.

- As partial as I am
to a sparkly tiara,

I'd have to say that a girl's
most important accessory is

her brain.

[cheering]
- Oh, good answer!

- Yes!
- So good.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
the results are in.

Can we please bring out
all our

♪ beautiful girls ♪?

[cheers and applause]

The second runner up
to Little Miss

Southeastern Michigan is...

Claudette!
[cheers and applause]

The first runner up is...

Jackie!
[cheers and applause]

- Oh, my gosh. One left.

I could win!
I could still...

- And your next Little Miss

Southeastern Michigan is...

Chinah!
[cheers and applause]

♪ She's Little Miss
Southeastern Michigan ♪

- Loles! Way to go!
- You were so great, Lola.

- Congratulations, Chinah!

- Great job, Chinah!
- Chinah!

- Ah, you done good
out there, sis.

- Your best work since
last fall's

Little Miss Fusion Cuisine
Pageant.

- Thanks, guys.

You were right, Lori.

Even though I lo--lo--
[exhales]

didn't win,
I'm really glad I did it.

- Nice job, Lola.

We're gonna have to watch out
for you next year.

- Speaking of next year,
Lola, I think we should

add some tumbling moves
to your ribbon dance.

I'll--
- Good-bye, Lincoln.

Now come on, you and I
are going to hit the spa

for some well-deserved
pampering.

Word of advice, though:
do not ask for Greg.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- Kids, let's go!
You're late for school.

[rumbling]
[door slams]

[cowbell rattling]

Whoo!
- Oh, lookin' good, sweetie.

- Thanks, honey. I'm ready to
ring in the funk at Cowbella.

Two days of nothing
but cowbell music.

Can you imagine?

- Not in a million years.

I hope you and Kotaro
have a wonderful time.

'Could you guys do me a favor
and drop Lily

at daycare
on your way?

I've got my hands full today.

- Bah bell!
- That's right, sweetie.

Ahh, watch the drool.
[chuckles]

It rusts.

Come on, K-Dog. Don't wanna
miss the Red Hot Bell Peppers.

[phone chimes]

[gasps]

[dialing]
[phone line trilling]

- Hi, honey. What's--
- Emergency!

Daycare is closed for the day.
The Koch kid

flushed a diaper
down the toilet again

and flooded the place!

Can you come home
and watch Lily?

- Oh, honey, my day is packed.

The Fox quintuplets are all
getting their cavities filled

and we only have enough gas
for four of them.

- Wh-what?
- Oops.

Don't worry about that,
sweetie.

- How about I drop Lily there?
Huh?

I'm sure she'll be fine
around all those

sharp dental tools.
- I think you're gonna

have to skip
the music festival today.

- Ohh!
- I'm sorry, honey.

You can still go tomorrow.
Gotta run, okay?

Good luck.

- [sighs] Okay, Lily,
Daddy needs

to call Uncle Kotaro
and cancel Cowbella.

I'll try not to
hold it against you.

I mean, it's not technically
your fault.

Maybe I don't need to cancel.

Hello, Mr. Grouse!

Lovely day, isn't it?

- It'd be a whole lot better
if my gout wasn't flaring up.

- Ahh, cool, cool.

Uh, say, how would you like
to spend this beautiful day

at my house, babysitting this
adorable ragamuffin, huh?

- Goo-goo.
- I don't know anything

about babies, except
they don't like me.

- Oh, no,
there's nothing to it!

And Lily'll love you.
Heck, she already does,

don't you, Lily?
- [cries]

- See? Tears of love!

- Nice try, Loud. I'm not
running a kennel here.

[door opens]
- I'll make you a lasagna.

[door slams]
- Ten lasagnas.

- Three.
- Seven.

both: Five. Deal!

- Here's everything you need.

Call me if there's
any problems.

[horn honks]

- Hey, Lily.
Hi, Mr. Grouse.

You ready to ring
it and ding it, Lynn?

- You bet your bells I am!

[cowbells clanging]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

How 'bout ringin' it
and dingin' it

in the van, there, pal?
- Cool.

Mwah. Bye, honey.
Be good for Mr. Grouse.

Whoo!

[tires screeching]

- It's just you and me, kiddo.

How are we gonna
spend the day?

- Poo-poo.
- Ah, that's not

what I wanted to hear.

[cowbell-based rock music]

♪ ♪

[cheering]

[cell phone rings]

- Oh, excuse me, ah, pardon me.

Ow, ow.
[phone ringing]

- Loud, your daughter
won't stop crying.

I turned off my hearing aid,
but I can still hear.

You gotta come home.
- Now, now, Mr. Grouse,

no need to panic.

It's just an easy fix, okay?

Just speak to her
with a British accent.

- Oh, yeah, I could do that.

Or you could just
get your butt back here.

- [stammers] Give it a try.

I'll--I'll guide you
through it, okay?

[with English accent]Cheerio!

Jolly good! Pip pip!

- This is ridiculous.

Cheerio. Jolly good.

I forget the rest.
- [laughs]

- Oh, there you go!
You're a natural!

- I wouldn't mind another
lasagna for my troubles.

- You got it!

[inhales deeply]

[playing cowbells]
- Whoo!

[phone rings]

Loud! Your crazy daughter
won't stop

throwing her toys at me!
- [grunting]

- I'm not doing this anymore!
- No, no, no, hold on!

No need to overreact.
Uh, this is just

Lily's midday cranky time.

Try doing pratfalls.
Always works for me.

- [grunting]
- Fat chance, Loud!

At my age, if I go down,
I stay down.

- Ahh--what if I throw in
another lasagna?

- And I'm fallin'.
- [grunts]

- Ohh! [groans]
- [laughs]

- Hey! Lily sounds good.

- Yeah, better than me.

I landed on some jacks.
- Cool, cool.

- [playing cowbell]

[phone rings]
- Aww!

- Loud, your kid won't eat
anything I give her.

I'm done.
You need to get back here.

- Ah, easy, Mr. G.
She's just fussy.

I keep some homemade peach
puree in the fridge

for times just like this.

- Ahh, homemade peach puree,

why didn't you say that
in the first place?

- [sniffs]
[munching happily]

- Whoa! She gobbled that
right up!

- Ha, that's a relief.

Oh, and speaking of relief,

it's my turn.

- Ahh, for Pete's sake, Loud!
Hang up!

[both hooting and hollering]
[cowbell-based rock music]

[phone rings]

- Ugh, ding dong dang it.

Okay, Mr. Grouse.
You win.

I'm on my way home.
- What? Why?

Everything's swell.
- I--but--it is?

- You bet!
We're having a gas.

I was just calling because
the little tike

spit up on my shirt.

You mind if I borrow
one of your sweaters?

- Oh! Not at all.

- good, 'cause I already did.
- [cooing]

- I won't bother you again,
Loud.

Enjoy your silly bell thing.

- Should I get the van?
- Bell no.

We're good for
the rest of the day.

- Sweet!

[tires screech]
- Whoo-hoo!

- Whoo-hoo! I can't wait
for tomorrow!

- Me neither, K-dog.Day two!

[cowbells rattling]

- Here you go, Mr. Grouse.

Seven trays of lasagna,
as promised.

Looks like this worked out
bell for both of us.

[laughs]
- [grunts]

- Dada. Dada!

- [chuckles softly]

No, no, no,
that's Mr. Grouse, sweetie.

I--I'm Dada.
- Dada! Dada!

- Aww, isn't that cute?
She thinks I'm Dada.

- Yes, yeah,
downright adorable. [laughs]

- Dada! Dada!

- Okay, sweetie.
That--that's enough of that.

- Dada! Dada! Dada! Dada!

- [gasps] What have I done?

[whimpering]

- Honey, are you okay?
How was your day with Lily?

- I have a confession to make.

I went to Cowbella
and left her with Mr. Grouse.

- [gasps] Lynn!

- Ah, before you get mad at me,

I'm already paying for it.

Lily got along so well
with Mr. Grouse--

[gasps]
And now she's calling him Dada.

[crying]
- Oh, honey.

Lily is just getting
used to words.

She probably doesn't know
who any of us are yet.

- Do you think so?

Maybe I'm overre--
- Mama! Mama! Mama!

- [sobbing]

I lost her.

- We need to work
on your timing, sweetheart.

Okay, kids, let's go!
[rumbling]

[door slams]
Honey, we're off!

I just called the daycare
and they're open.

Can you drop Lily off
before Cowbella?

- That's a negative.
I'm not going to Cowbella.

I have something more important
to do today:

win my daughter back!
[blows raspberry]

- Win her back? Lynn, you're
making too much of this.

- Oh, it's easy for you to say.

She still loves you.

Okay, Lily, time for Operation
Remind You I'm Your Daddy

and That Guy Next Door
is Just an Old Coot

With a Bad Lasagna Addiction.

[with English accent]
"And the pig and the goat

"lived happily ever after.

The end."

Bob's your uncle.
Grouse isn't your father.

Pip pip!

[humming]
And, boom.

There, all clean.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ow.
- [laughs]

Landed on some jacks
but totally worth it.

Here you go, honey.
Daddy's homemade peach puree.

- [squeals]
- So just to review,

I'm Daddy.
This is my peach puree,

and I made it just for you.

- [munching happily]
- Ah, yeah.

If you like it now, wait till
I put sprinkles on it.

- [squeals in delight]

- Sure, they're bad
for her teeth,

but I'm waging a w*r here.

Uh, Lily?

- Dada. Dada!

- Dang it!

Well, if I'm gonna
win you back,

I gotta get you away from that
geezer's magnetic pull.

- Oons, ah-ba-oons!
[ding]

- You want a balloon?
Daddy's on it.

♪ ♪

Mr. Grouse probably
would only buy you one balloon.

But your real daddy thinks
you deserve them all.

[screams]

- [laughs]

♪ ♪

Teddy!
- You want a new teddy bear?

Daddy's got you covered.

[grunting]

Mr. Grouse probably
would've bought you

that rinky-dink one.

Real daddy goes
the extra mile.

Oh!

- Goo. [laughs]

- That's fun, isn't it?

And real daddy will do this
all day if you want.

- Dada!
- [gasps] Ah, that's right!

Uh! I--I'm Dada!

You did it, Lynn.
You got her back.

- Dada!
- Yes, yes, yes!

I'm Dada! Underdog!
- [laughs]

Dada! Dada!

Ohh! Ah, you're breakin'
your father's heart.

Oh! And his nose.

[crying]

I chose cowbell
over my daughter

and now I've lost her forever.

- Honey.
- Uh, it's--it's all right.

The most important thing
is that Lily is happy.

And if that means
spending time with Mr. Grouse

instead of me, then I'll just
have to...accept that.

[dialing]
[line trills]

Hello. Mr. Grouse?
[sniffs]

Uh, I was wondering
if you'd let--

Lynn, Lynn Loud.

Yeah.

I was wondering
if you'd like to--

to come over
for--for dinner tonight.

I know Lily--

I know Lily would love
to see you.

- Yes, fine.
We'll have lasagna.

- Hey there, Loud!
Took my gout pills.

I'm ready to eat!
Here's your sweater back.

Didn't have time to wash it.

Didn't feel like it, either.
- Okay. [sighs]

Lily, say hi to--
- Dada!

Yes, I know you think
Mr. Grouse is--

- Dada! Dada!

- Wait, me?
I--I don't understand.

What's happening?

- Dada! Dada, Dada!

- Honey, I get what's
going on.

Mr. Grouse was wearing
your favorite sweater!

That's why Lily was
calling him Dada!

- [gasps] Holy smokes,
you're right!

Ah! [laughs]
What a relief.

You hear that, Mr. Grouse?

She knows I'm her dad!

Isn't that wonderful?

- Cool, cool.
You got any pepper flakes?

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house ♪

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪