03x40 - Stage Plight

[bunniefuu]

[rock music]

* *

[romantic music]

- "Hey, who's
the dream boat, toots?

"You're looking at him the way

I look at a fresh coat
of varnish."

Shh.

That's Benny, the boy
I've been telling you about.

But it's hopeless.

How can I get
to know him better

if we never spend
any time together?

"I may be a dummy,
but it seems to me

"if you want to spend
some time with him,

try talking, not gawking."

I know, but the only
class we have together

is Advanced Mime.

I can't exactly
talk to him then.

Hold on.
What's Benny doing?

Ooh, auditions for
the Drama Club production

of "Romeo and Juliet."

This is perfect.

If Benny and I both get cast,

I'll finally be able
to spend time with him.

- Like, to be or, like,
not to be.

That is, like, the question.

- To thine own self be...blue.

No wait, true.

- A rose by any other name
would smell as sweet.

- Ohh.

"Toots, put your peepers
back in your head.

You're on!"

Whoops!

Ooh, there's the cast list.

Oh, what if I didn't
make the cut?

I'm too nervous to look.

"Relax, Doll.
You're in the play.

And so is your fella."

Eeeh!

"Hey, save that drama
for the stage."

[overlapping chatter]

Oh, hey, Benny.

I didn't know you were
in the play.

- Hey, Luan.
Yeah, I'm a Montague.

- Oh, and I'm a Capulet.

Guess we're sworn enemies.

both: Oooh.
[laughter]

- And now, thespians,
here's your drama teacher,

the two-time nominee for
Royal Woods Dinner Theater's

best director,

Mrs. Bernardo!

- Did she just
announce herself?

- It sure looks that way.

- Stop it, you're too kind.
[chuckles]

Gather, children, gather.

I am so thrilled
to be helming this production

of "Romeo and Juliet."

Now, Capulets,
I want you stage left.

Montagues, stage right.

You'll be rehearsing
separately.

- What?
Why?

I mean, is that
really necessary?

- Yes! It'll enhance
the dramatic tension.

Remember, these families
hate each other. [chuckles]

- [groans] This is not
gonna work for me.

[overlapping chatter]
- Red leather, yellow leather.

- Okay, everyone,
good vocal warm-up.

Let's take five and then
we'll dive into the text!

- Hey, Shannon, would you
mind switching with me?

I can't be a Capulet.
I'm allergic to hats.

They make my head swell up and
then I can't get the hat off.

It's a vicious cycle.

- That sounds awful.
Of course I'll switch.

Ooh, wait, I can't be a Capulet
if my arch-nemesis Amy is.

- Oh, okay.
Hang on.

Hey, Amy, how'd you like
to be a Montague?

- A what?
Sure, whatev.

But only if my boyfriend Rex
can be one too.

He kind of, like,
can't be without me.

- Ooh, okay.
One sec.

Hey, Liberty, you know,

you strike me
as more of a Capulet.

They're so much cooler.

How would you like
to switch with Rex?

- Sure, but only if my BFF Leo
can be a Capulet.

- [sighs]
Yep, I'm on it.

[quirky music]

* *

- Thespians, assemble!

- Whew.
- Hey, Luan.

So you're a Montague now?

- Yeah, Leo really, really
wanted to be a Capulet.

So what are you gonna do,
break the kid's heart?

- Welcome to day two
of rehearsal.

Now we'll start
with act one, scene five,

better known as the kiss!

Romeo, Juliet, center stage.

The rest of you, take five.

- Come on, Mr. Coconuts, let's
grab a seat next to--huh?

[dramatic music]

Go, Mr. Coconuts!

- Ahh!

- [whistles]

Oh, hey, Benny.

Did you see
last night's episode of

"The Real Mimes of Miami?"

- Yeah, I really felt for Magda

when she was trying to
order a pizza over the phone.

- Mime life.
Am I right?

[stomach grumbles]

[laughter]

Here, your stomach might
find this "a-peel-ing."

- [laughs]

Thanks...a bunch!

- [laughs]

Good one.

- And action!

- Like, saints
do not, like, move,

though grant for, like,
prayer's sake.

- Then move not--
hang on.

While my prayer's
effects I fake.

No, wait, that's a "T."
Take, not fake.

- No, no, no, no, no!
This is all wrong.

I'm just not feeling it.

[laughter]

- [snorts]

- Ruby, Spencer,
this is the hardest part

of any director's job,
but I decided to go another way

with my Romeo and Juliet.

Don't be discouraged.

If you keep working
your craft--

- So, like, I don't have
to memorize, like,

any more of this?

- Whew, sweated off the rest
of my lines in gym class.

- Fear not, thespians!
The show will go on.

The perfect Romeo and Juliet
have been with us all along.

[uplifting music]

Benny and Luan!

[both gasp]
I've been watching you two,

and I know you are going
to be wonderful.

Now, Romeo and Juliet,

let's pick up
where we left off:

the kiss.

- The kiss?

Uh, oh, I just remembered,

I have a--an orthodontist
appointment today.

Gotta get the old braces
tightened.

Otherwise, this'll be
"Romeo and Drooliet."

[laughs] Oh.

[bird chirping]

"Hey, what happened
back there, doll?

"You and the hunk make
a great Romeo and Juliet.

Isn't that everything
you wanted?"

Yeah, but we have to kiss.
"So?"

I've never kissed
anyone before.

I bet everyone else
in my class has,

including Benny.

What if I'm bad at it
and he thinks I'm lame?

"You're overthinking it, doll.

"You'll be fine.
It's just a smooch.

There's nothing to it."

Maybe you're right,
Mr. Coconuts.

"I know I'm right.
You can do this."

- Then move not while
my prayer's effect I take.

- I can't do this.

Time out!
I need a pee break.

I really hit the old O.J. hard
this morning.

Sorry, sorry,
I'm ready to go.

[all gasping]

- Gadzooks!

Which is also the name
of my one woman show!

Rehearsal is cancelled
until I can get

the janitor to fix this
safety hazard.

- Aww, shucks.
No rehearsal?

So, uh, parting is
such sweet sorrow.

"Ouch!
Watch it, toots."

- Once more unto the breach
dear thespians,

which is theater talk for,

"Let's try that
kissing scene again."

- Come on, Luan.
It's just a kiss.

You've got this.

Ooh.
Oh, no, you don't.

Hey, everybody!

Can't wait to rehearse.

Whoa!

- Heavens, my dear girl!
Are you okay?

- Oh, it's nothing.
Probably just a slipped disk.

No pun intended.
[laughs]

Ow--I mean, ow, ow, ow!

- Rehearsal's
cancelled for today.

- Whew.

Okay, come on, Luan.
No more stall tactics.

You have to do this.

- Comrades,
look to the skies.

It's Mrs. Bernardo!

Where's my Romeo?
Where's my Juliet?

Chop, chop.
It's kissing time.

- Ohh.

- And action.

- Then move not while
my prayer's effect I take.

[dramatic music]

- Eeeh.

- [screaming]

Wait, I have an idea.

Um, um...

Instead of a kiss,

why doesn't Juliet
just send Romeo a text?

- A text?
- Yeah!

I think a kissy emoji
and a heart

would really get
the message across.

- Luan, what you are
suggesting is...

pure genius!

A modern take on a classic.

Bravo!

Prop department,

I need cell phones
for Romeo and Juliet.

Pronto!

Hey, Mrs. B.,
I'm ready for rehearsal.

Been doing some thumb
strengthening exercises

for my big texting scene.

- You've done them in vain!

Rehearsal is cancelled
until I can find a new Romeo.

- What?
What happened to Benny?

- He up and quit!

He suddenly remembered he
has a conflict with Chess Club.

Chess Club?
Ah, check and mate!

Oh, I was a fool to leave
the dinner theater circuit.

- This doesn't make any sense.

Benny isn't even
in Chess Club.

Hi, Benny.
- Hey.

I heard you quit the play.

- Yeah.
- How come?

- Honestly, Luan,
because of you.

It's clear you
weren't comfortable

with me playing Romeo.

- No, just the opposite.

Oh, the only reason
I wanted to be in the play

is so I could spend
some time with you.

- Really? Then why
did you keep finding ways

to avoid kissing me?

- I--oh, it's not you.

Uh, it's--never mind.

"She was nervous because she's
never kissed anyone before."

Mr. Coconuts!

"What?
Someone's gotta say it."

- "Well, that's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Benjamin's never kissed
anyone either."

[gasps]
Mrs. Appleblossom!

Ugh, you weren't
supposed to tell.

- "Well, I gotta say
that's a load off.

"Luan didn't want
to embarrass herself

"in front of old Benny boy.

Just between you and me,
she's sweet on the guy."

- "[laughs]
Really?

Benjamin rather
fancies her as well."

- He does?

I mean, you do?

[uplifting music]

[laughter]

* *

[cheers and applause]

- "Well, Mrs. Appleblossom,

I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful friendship."

- [gasps]
Who said that?

[mellow music]

* *

- [coughs]
- Pretty cool, huh?

It's one of those smoke poppers

I bought at the magic show
last night.

- Whoa, you look just like
the Amazing Brailster.

Well, except for the moustache.

- Huge compliment.

Man, was that a great show,
or was that a great show?

- A and B.

Hey, what do you say we keep
the fun train rolling

and do some antiquing?

I got us two tickets to
the Fern Valley Flea Market.

I remember how much
you enjoyed it last time.

- Right.

- It's from the Edwardian Era.

Rumor has it King Edward
himself once say upon it.

- It's nice, but you know I'm
more of a Victorian Era guy.

- Of course, but this is
a real opportunity

to own a piece
of his majesty's throne.

Well, his porcelain one.

[laughter]

- Oh, Alfred,
you are a laugh riot.

- [snores]

You know, as much fun
as I had that day,

I'm gonna have to pass
this time, buddy.

- [sighs]
- Not 'cause I don't wanna go.

It's my turn to be
Lisa's human test subject.

And you know me, I'd do
anything for proctology.

- Uh, Lincoln, I think
you got the wrong "ology."

- And I think
you don't know Lisa.

- [sniffs, sighs]
Well, that's a bummer.

I was really looking
forward to the two of us

getting our antique on.

- I'm sorry, bud. Maybe
someone else will be free.

- Zach, how would you like
to hit the flea market

with me tonight?

- Hmm, last time I had fleas,

I had to stay home
from school.

- It's not a market
for actual fleas.

They have antiques.

- We don't do antiques.

My parents won't
decorate the house

with anything
they can't see through.

You never know
where those government spies

put their listening devices.

- So is that a no?

- Nah, let 'em listen.
I'm in.

- Whew.

Clyde, I thought
we were gonna ride bikes

to school this morning.

- Hey, bud,
sorry about that.

I wanted to get
to the library early.

Gotta research all those
antiques I bought yesterday.

- Wow, looks like
you got a lot of stuff.

- Did we ever?

I got some cool old plates,

a globe from before Hawaii
was a state,

and these sick glasses.

Well, they're not my
prescription, but who cares?

- So you had a good time?

- Good time?
I had a great time!

I never knew old stuff
could be so much fun.

- He's really got a knack
for antiquing.

You should have seen him
haggle with the rug guy.

- And I'm so glad I did.

This baby's gonna look sick
in my family's panic room.

- Whoa!
- You just hit Clyde.

- Oh, sorry, Clyde.
Oh, sorry, Lincoln.

Hmm, good thing
I didn't buy the sword.

[doorbell chimes]

- Lincoln, come on in.

The boys are in Clyde's room.

- Thanks.

Wait, did you say the boys?

- The key is using
a lint-free cloth.

- Clyde, I thought
we were hanging out tonight.

- We are. I just invited Zach
to hang out with us.

Wanna join in on the fun?

Throw on a pair
of those gloves, buddy.

We're cleaning up
these antiques.

- You're having fun
by cleaning up?

- You should really
try it, Lincoln.

It's very relaxing.

- Nah, I'm good.

I'll just hang out
till you guys are done.

Mind if I grab
one of these root beers?

- Sure, help yourself.
Wait, I don't have any--

- [chugging]
- No!

That's Dr. Peabody's
Onion Elixir!

Copyright .

- [retches, coughs]

- This is one mighty fine
piece of silverware.

The inlay looks like
it's pre-Civil w*r.

- That's a great catch there,
Zachary.

I'm very impressed.

- [grumbles]

- Gravy?
- [gasps]

Is that London
sterling silver?

- [gasps]
It sure is.

Clyde, it warms my heart
that you're passing on

some of the knowledge you've
learned from your dad and me.

We are so proud of you.

- Hey, Clyde, check this out.

[glass whistling]

- [laughs]

- Lincoln, please don't be
too rough with the glasses.

They're antiques.

- Hmm.

Looks like Depression Era,
if you ask me.

- [gasps]

Did you hear that, Hare Bear?

Can we get an extra
scoop of ice cream

for this little
antique expert over here?

- [grumbles]

- All right, so what
do we want to watch?

Looks like there's a Robot
Super Destroyer movie on.

- Ooh, is it the first one,
the sequel,

the prequel
or the remake?

- The remake of the prequel.
- Sweet!

We've only seen that one
four times. Let's do it!

- Or we could check out
the "Antique Hour" marathon.

Ohh, look, they're in
Royal Woods this week.

- [gasps]

- Or we could
put it to a vote.

Ahem, who wants to watch
"Robot Destroyer"?

- Sorry, bud, but we have
watched it four times.

- [groans]

- You'll be happy to hear

that at auction this piece
would bring in...

both: $ , !

- $ , .

- Whoo!
- Yeah!

- Team Clach McGirdle
nails it again!

- What was that?

- Oh, just a nickname
that Zach came up with.

Of course, you and I
are still Clincoln McLoud.

- Yeah, sure, okay.
I gotta go home.

- Wait, Lincoln.
Armoires are up next.

They're the bad boys
of the antiques world.

- Yeah, you should
stay over, Lincoln.

We're getting
up bright and early

to go bargain hunting
at yard sales.

- We got safari hats
and everything.

- No thanks.

You guys clearly have
your own thing going on.

Maybe I should just disappear.

- But Lincoln--
[coughing]

- Dang it.

[computer chimes]

- "Attention Amazing
Brailster Fan Club.

"You're invited to a super
secret pop-up magic show.

Bring a friend."

Well, that friend sure
isn't gonna be Clyde.

He's too busy dusting spoons
with Clach.

But who needs him?
I've got plenty of friends.

[lively music]

[dialing, line rings]

- Howdy.
- Liam! It's Lincoln.

- Which Lincoln?
I know a few.

- Lincoln Loud.
Your friend.

- Oh, yeah, hi, Lincoln.
My friend.

- Are you busy tonight?

I've got an extra ticket
to the Amazing Brailster.

- Oh, uh, I'd love to,

but it's weaner season
here on the farm.

You know,
that magical time of year

when we wean piglets
from their mamas.

I need to be around in case

there's some kind of
a wean scene.

For example--
- Okay, okay, I get it.

[line ringing]

- Lincoln, what's good?

- Hey, Rusty,
how'd you like to go

to the greatest magic show
on Earth tonight?

- Tonight?
I totally would,

but I've got a hot date.

In fact, I better go
iron my jeans.

[line ringing]

- Hello.
- Stella! Buddy, old pal.

I've got an extra ticket
to a magic show and--

- Ugh, wish I could go,
but I promised my Granny

I'd help her set up
a dating profile.

She said she's ready
to get back out there, so...

- [sighs]
[phone buzzes]

Hold on.
I'm getting another call.

Oh, it's Lynn.

Hey, LJ, do you want
to go to a magic show?

- Uh, no, I want to go
to the bathroom, Stinkin'.

Now get out of there!
- Ahh!

- [snoring]

- Flip.
- Ah! What?

- Can I get one bubble gum
Flippee to go?

- Just one?
Today's special:

Twice the Flippee
for only triple the price.

- Nah.

Just one's good.

I'm riding solo tonight.

[soft clatter]

Liam?
- Yah!

- I thought it
was weaning season.

- Now, what in tarnation?
This isn't the barn.

Gee, I must have taken
a wrong turn.

- Flip, the toilet's clogged.

- Stella? I thought you
were helping your Granny

get back out there.

- I, uh--
[chuckles nervously]

- [sneezes]

- [sighs] Rusty, you can
come out now too.

- [chuckles nervously]
'Sup, man?

- What's going on?
You guys all said you were

too busy to see
the Amazing Brailster tonight.

- Look, Lincoln, the truth
is I think magic is boring.

- Snoozefest.

- To me, it's more
upsetting than boring.

I know there ain't
no coins in my ears,

but they always find 'em.

- We're sorry for lying.

We didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

- How can you not like magic?

Clyde and I had a blast
at the last Brailster show.

- Actually, you had a blast.

Clyde didn't want you to know,

but he definitely
didn't have fun.

- What are you talking about?

- And for my next trick,

I'll need
a bold audience member

willing to be sawed in half.

[excited cheering]
- Me! Pick me!

- How 'bout you, young man?

- [gulps]

- Wow, he's pointing
at you, Clyde.

You're so lucky.

- Y-yeah.

I love s-s-saws.

[cheers and applause]

- Since you're my assistant,

you should wear the hat.

[laughter]

Handkerchief?

[laughter]

- Ahhh!

- Wow, how did I not see this?

Clyde hates magic.

But then, why does he
always agree to go?

- Probably because he's
just a really good friend.

- Yeah, I'm sure do the same
for him all the time.

- Hey, what do you say
we keep the fun train rolling

and do some antiquing?

- You know, as much fun
as I had that day,

I'm gonna have to pass.

Actually, I don't.

Here I am, mad at Clyde,

when I'm the one
who was a bad friend.

I'll catch you guys later.

I gotta take care
of something.

- [snoring]
Ahh!

- I was wondering
if I could talk

to your business
associate, Tucker.

- Eh, I'm sure he's
around here somewhere.

Welcome Tucker's
Tix and Tux.

What can I do you for?

- I need to sell some tickets
and buy some tickets.

[doorbell chimes]

- Lincoln,
am I glad to see you!

I want to apologize.

I should have known
that antiquing stuff

would make you feel left out.

- Clyde, I'm the one
who should be apologizing.

I didn't really have to help
Lisa with proctology.

I just didn't want
to go antiquing,

but I should have been
a good friend and gone anyway,

just like you did
with me and the Brailster.

- What are you
talking about, Lincoln?

I love the Brailster.

- It's okay, Clyde.
I know you don't.

You just go 'cause
you know it makes me happy,

and I need to start
doing the same for you.

So I was wondering
if you and Zach

would like to join me
for this.

- "Antique Hour:
Royal Woods Edition!"

- What?
Wow, Lincoln.

Thanks for including me.

- Of course, Zach.

In fact, I was thinking
maybe we should call ourselves

Cachlon McLurdle.

- Of what about
Zlydcon McGloudle?

- Ooh, I know.
Lydach LurdleMc!

[laughter]

- We should get going.

- It's starting to drizzle.

I'll just grab this umbrella.

- Actually, that was an th
century Japanese parasol.

But no problem.

- * Cramped inside
this tiny space *

* May sound bad
but ain't the case *

* In the Loud house *
- * Loud house *

- * Duck and dodge
and push and shove *

* That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house *

- * Loud house *

* Laundry piles
stacked up high *

* Hand-me-downs
that make me cry *

* Stand in line
to take a pee *

* Never any privacy *

* Chaos with kids *

* That's the way
it always is *

* In the Loud house *