02x05 - Where Is It Written?/Julie's Aunt/The Big Deal

[bunniefuu]

(Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( majestic theme playing)

Hi, welcome aboard.

Hello, I'm Gopher,

or as my mother
prefers to call me,

Yeoman Purser Burl Smith.

Welcome aboard,
Mr. and... Newberry.

Newberry. You have a cablegram.

It's from Mr. Littlejohn.
He'll be here.

Mark Littlejohn
is seeing us off?

Mark Littlejohn, the author?

Oh, and maniac.

Why did you ask
him to see us off?

I didn't.

Well, then why...?

Al, you didn't ask
him to sail with us?

He's sailing with us?
The Mark Littlejohn?

Sandra, he still owes me
the final chapter of his book.

I thought I'd k*ll two
birds with one stone.

Give me the stone,
I'll k*ll two birds.

You and Littlejohn.

Hello, hello, hello.

Sandra, my love, you're
more beautiful than ever.

Unfortunately...
(mouths) Mark Littlejohn.

I see you're still married
to that stiff of a publisher.

And who is this fair
nymph of the sea?

Uh, Julie McCoy,
your cruise director.

And this is Gopher
Smith, your purser.

An honor, Mr. Littlejohn.

I've read every
one of your books.

Oh, yes, well,
here's the autograph.

Yes, thank you. All right,
let the festivities begin.

Sandra, what say you,
Julie and I pop some bubbly

while the old man
puts away the bags?

Ha. Too early for me. Fine.

Julie, my darling, I
guess it's you and me.

Oh, sir, I have work to do.

I know. You work to take
care of the passengers.

I'm going to need a
lot of taking care of.

JULIE: Oh, Gopher.

There he goes,
chasing girls again.

You really think you can get him

to finish his book
on this cruise?

Either that or he'll swim home.

He hasn't checked in yet.
He... He must be stuck in traffic.

I think it's terrific.

W-What, that he's
stuck in traffic?

No, the cruise, Daddy.

I mean, what a great way
to close a business deal.

Honey, the merger between
the Collins Machinery

and my company is
not exactly in the bag.

Well, you just stop worrying.

Mr. Collins is
going to love you.

I'll bet he'll even want to
keep you on as a consultant.

(laughs)

I don't care what he does.

I'm going to keep you on
as president of my fan club.

Jim.

Jimmy?

Oh, I don't believe it.

What's it been? Six years?

Oh, at least.

I'm surprised you remember me.

Are you kidding?

Forget the girl I took
to the senior prom?

You look terrific, Wanda.

Oh, it's Allison, you smarty.

Dad, I'm sorry. This is...

Jim. Jim Lawrence.

You used to play sax
and drive a '32 Ford

with a broken muffler.

Hey, that's quite a memory.

How could I forget?

With that muffler and sax,

I didn't get much sleep.

Well, I still have the sax.

Well, I hope our
cabins aren't too close.

Oh, well, actually, my
band is playing this cruise.

Oh, that's wonderful. Oh, good.

Oh, there's the man
I'm supposed to meet.

Will you excuse me?

Well...? Yeah, my
thoughts exactly.

I've really... It's been
so... (both laugh)

Hey, let's have a drink later.

I'd like that.

All right, about 3:00,
after my rehearsal,

the Pirate's Cove.

I'll be there.

Okay.

Allison, this is Brad
Collins of Collins Machinery.

Brad, this is my
daughter, Allison.

Nice to meet you.

Well, Martin, I can
see it's going to be

a great pleasure doing
business with you.

As soon as I check in,
I'll drop by your cabin.

We'll see you then.

You bet you will.

Well, what do you think of him?

Well, uh, I like him.

And I know he likes you.

Hi, welcome aboard.

Hello.

Afternoon, ma'am.
Foster's the name.

Well, good to see the
ship is ship-shaped,

and the girls are girl-shaped.

Well, Mr. Foster, we're
very happy to see you.

We've been expecting you.

It's not every day
we get to entertain

the captain's favorite uncle.

I'm Julie McCoy,
your cruise director.

My cruise director?

Yes, sir. Ooh.

I hope the other passengers
get one just as nice as you.

Uncle Cyrus. Merrill.

Or should I say Captain Merrill?

(both laugh)

Oh, I've been looking
forward to this for a long time.

With my father in the Navy,

Uncle Cyrus
practically raised me.

He's responsible
for what I am today.

Well, you can't win them all.

(laughs)

Julie, I want you and the
crew to outdo yourselves.

He gets the
red-carpet treatment.

Will there be enough room
on the carpet for both of us?

Mr. Foster.

It's Uncle Cyrus.
Welcome to the family.

And it's a very loving family.

Oh, thank you.

(ship horn blowing)

(all cheering)

♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪

This Littlejohn may be a nut,

but he sure can write.

I hope I can get
him to finish it.

This autobiography has
got to be a best-seller.

His love scenes are incredible.

Anything would be
compared to ours.

Alfred, you promised me this
was going to be a vacation.

Hang on, will you?
Just a minute, honey,

while I finish this
chapter, okay?

(sighs)

Whoopee.

Oh, Mr. Littlejohn.
How's the book coming?

Well, I could use a
shot of inspiration.

Make it a double.

Oh, you're writing
two books, huh?

Ha-ha. What will you have?

Irish whiskey, the
drink of my forefathers.

Yes, that's why I like
to drink Black Russians.

(laughs)

There you go.

Oh, don't put that bottle away.

There's at least four
chapters left in there.

Hey.

(mouths): Come on.

I tell you.

Hello, hello, hello.

A little Irish?

Mark, why don't you
go back to your writing?

The sooner you finish your book,

the sooner Al can relax
and enjoy the cruise.

Forget... Forget
Alfred, forget him.

I'm relaxed, you're relaxed,
we'll enjoy the cruise.

Let's go forward
and get ourselves

a little wind on our faces.

It will be cold.

Not with a drink inside you.

Come on, one drink.

Okay, one drink, but then
you promise you'll go back

to your cabin and write?

I promise. One drink.

That is going to
be one long drink.

Come in. Hi.

Hi.

Oh, compliments of the captain.

Oh, I sure hope you're hungry.

Oh, I am, I am. Good.

But there's no fun
stuffing myself alone.

W-Will you help me?

No, I really shouldn't.

Oh, just...

Well, all right,
for a minute, sure.

Well, make yourself
at home. Okay.

Oh, would you like
to see some pictures

of my grandchildren?

I'd love to.

So would I, but
I don't have any.

Oh. (laughs)

Well, you're so gallant.

Mr. Foster, please.

You don't have to
beg. It's my pleasure.

Mr. Foster, what are you doing?

In my day, dear, this
was known as bussing.

In my day, it's
called forced bus.

Mr. Foster.

Cute.

I love a woman who
combines humor with passion.

Passion? Here, eat an apple.

Forget the apple, Eve.
I'm already tempted.

No, Mr. Foster.

Darling, come to me.

Well...

Hi, kid.

Oh, hi, yourself.

What's up? Uh...

The captain's uncle
just made a pass at me.

Can you believe that?

Well, sure.

Hey, don't put
yourself down, Julie.

You're not a bad looking girl.

( majestic theme playing)

Jimmy, we had such
great times together.

What happened to us?

Well, you know, I got
busy with my music,

I started traveling
a lot with the band.

Yeah, well, I guess
that's the same thing

that happened to me.

After Mom died,
Dad was all alone.

He got to depend on me.

Yeah, you two were always close.

ALLISON: He's had some
rough times, you know.

If he could just
clinch this merger...

I've got to make it happen.

Hey, take it easy.

If it's not this deal,
there'll be another.

I don't think so, Jimmy.

He's down to his last card.

Hi, Allison.

Hi, Dad. Mr. Collins.

Uh, Brad, please.

Right. This is Jim Lawrence,
an old friend of mine.

Lawrence. Hi, Jim.

Well, what do you
say the three of us

play blackjack before dinner?

I don't know how to play.

You stick with me, honey,

and I'll teach you everything

you ever need to know.

(Martin laughs)

Well, I... I think I'll
change for dinner first.

Don't be long, I need you to
help me count my winnings.

So you hurry along, honey.

Jimmy, you want to come with us?

No, you go ahead.
I'd just be in the way.

Business before pleasure.

But I'd like to see you
later tonight after my set.

Okay.

That's what I call a pleasure.

Okay.

( romantic jazz theme playing)

How much whiskey can you drink?

How much whiskey is there?

Al says your autobiography
is going to be a smash.

And you only have
one chapter yet to go?

Mm-hm.

(laughs)

The truth is, I haven't
a clue how to finish it.

How can you write a whole
book and not know how it ends?

It is an autobiography,
you know.

I'm not quite dead
yet, like your husband.

What do you mean?

Well, now, if I were on a
cruise with a beautiful woman,

I wouldn't spend my time reading

how another man makes love.

Oh?

Well, what would you do?

(laughs)

Is that a dare?

Oh, no, no, no.

You promised me
that after your drink,

you'd go back to your cabin.

Well, I'd... I'd like
to, but not alone.

Oh, no.

I don't intend to be another
chapter in your book.

Well, think about it, Sandra.

Oh, I'd love to immortalize you.

(laughs)

You know, I've never read

any of Mark Littlejohn's books,

but I hear they're kind of sexy.

Well, let me put it this way,

the last one I bought,

I read under a cold shower.

Oh, there you are, Julie.

I just want to thank you
for spending so much time

with Uncle Cyrus.

He's having a ball.

Real son of a g*n, isn't he?

Hm. You can say that again.

Boy, I've never seen an
old guy with so much pep.

He sure is in great shape.

Well, he always took
good care of his body.

Now he's trying to
take care of yours.

Oh, there you are, nephew.

No wonder we're
going around in circles.

Nobody's running the ship.

Oh, Uncle Cyrus,
you haven't changed.

Just my socks.

Hey, everybody, how
about coming down

to my cabin tonight for
a little birthday party?

I didn't know it
was your birthday.

It's not, but it's always
somebody's birthday.

Nine o'clock, okay?
Oh, no presents please.

Oh, maybe a little watch.

(laughs)

How about you, Julie?
Are you coming to the party?

Uh, no, sir. I've got
a big day tomorrow.

Well, so do I, but I
wouldn't miss one

of Cy's parties for the world.

See you at 9.

Mm. Okay.

Oh, come on, Julie.

So the old man got a little
impulsive this afternoon.

He's probably
starved for affection.

Well, I'm not going
to be part of his diet.

Don't worry, we're
all going to be there.

If Cyrus Foster so
much as puckers his lips,

we'll form a circle around you.

Besides, why hurt
an old man's feelings?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll go.

That a girl. But go
easy on the lip gloss.

You don't want to
turn the old man on.

(laughs)

( majestic theme swells)

( majestic theme playing)

(band playing mellow song)

Well, you certainly taught
them how to play blackjack, Brad.

What a gambler. You...
You have nerves like steel.

Well, I'm just a natural winner.

There you go,
three Scotch rocks.

And, of course, you
make the third, okay?

Hold it, buddy.
This is bar Scotch.

Oh, no, sir, that's the
brand that you ordered.

BRAD: Just take it back and
bring us three more, okay?

Of course.

Thank you.

Well, Marty, this
little merger of ours

has side benefits I
never even imagined.

Brad, about our two companies...

Plenty of time to talk
about business, Marty.

Right now I feel like dancing.

How about it, Allison?

Oh, yes, of course.

(applause)

Thank you, thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen,

right now, I'd like to do a song
for a very dear friend of mine.

Someone I wish were
more than just a friend.

And the lady's name
is... (mouths): No.

Miss Julie McCoy.

(applause)

(band plays jazz music)

Al, do you love me?

Sure.

You say sure, but how do I know?

You asked, I... I tell you.

Well, that's the point.

I mean, why should
I have to ask you?

Couldn't you sometimes tell me?

It never comes up.

Never comes up?

If I don't bring it up
in a conversation,

you don't think about it.

Sandra, I know
our love is there.

It's like, um...
It's like my neck.

Your love for me
is like your neck?

Sure. I know it's there,

but I don't think about it.

Unless it rains.

Oh, terrific.

Every time it
rains, you love me.

No, every time it
rains, my neck hurts.

(laughs)

So, what it comes down to is,

your love for me is
like a pain in the neck.

Wrong.

This conversation
is a pain in the neck.

I bet when it rains,
Mark Littlejohn

doesn't think about his neck.

Mark Littlejohn can only
think about his next drink.

I bet he likes to lie in bed

and listen to the rain.

He's a romantic.

A romantic?

Sandy, Mark Littlejohn
is a crazy person.

Oh, he's a great writer.

But he's like a child.

He acts out every
one of his fantasies.

Maybe other people ought to.

Other people know
that life is more

than just fun and games.

Our life could stand a
little more fun and games.

Oh, Sandra, grow up.

Oh, Alfred, get with it.

It must be raining somewhere.

( majestic theme playing)

(knock on door)

Welcome to the Club Cyrus.

Hello, everybody.

Uh, where is everybody?

Oh, they'll be here in a minute.

Oh.

Why don't you
have a drink, Julie.

Something to
get the ball rolling.

Well, I was hoping the
ball would already be rolling.

You sure the others are coming?

Oh, they'd better. I just
opened up a fresh can of peanuts

there on the nightstand.

Oh.

Oh. Mr. Foster, what on earth?

You're old enough
to be my grandfather.

Forget Sun City.
This is Fun City.

Mr. Foster, stop it.

Oh.

Mr. Foster.

You can call me Cyrus.

What are you doing?

I'm proposing.

Well, behave yourself
and let go of me.

I like your spunk, girl.

You and I could make
beautiful music together.

Get yourself a tape deck.

Oh, come on, Julie.
Don't play so hard to get.

I'm really a nice guy
once you get to know me.

I grow on people.

Plant yourself on somebody else.

Oh, Mr. Foster, look. What?

What on Earth is that
couple doing out there?

What couple?

Is it something I said?

( romantic theme playing)

Uh, you're going to hate me.

You can't keep our date tonight.

I really should be with
my father and Brad.

Hey, you do
understand, don't you?

Oh, I'm not sure.
Convince me again.

(giggles)

I have an idea.

Tomorrow we're going
to be in Puerto Vallarta

for the day.

Why don't I give
you a guided tour.

Yeah, I don't know about that.

I need some convincing.

Ooh, come here.

Pick you up at 9.

Any more convincing, and
I'm not going to let you go.

See you in the morning.

(sighs)

GOPHER: Check that out.

(laughs)

You guys, how could
you not show up?

How could you leave
me there all alone

with that old lecher?

Julie, he called all of
us up and canceled.

What? Yeah, he said he wanted

to catch up on his sleep.

Well, that's not all he
wanted to catch up on.

Of all the sneaky,
devious, deceitful tricks.

Yeah. Sounds like
your technique, doc.

(laughs)

(laughs)

You guys, that is not funny.

This man is nothing
but a wolf in... In...

In senior citizen's clothing.

Well, maybe you should
speak to the captain.

Oh, yeah? And say what?

And tell him the truth.

Say, "Captain, your
uncle is a dirty old man

who can't keep his
hands to himself."

Yeah, that... That sounds
like a good idea to me.

Oh, yeah, that's terrific.

You guys, the captain happens

to idolize his Uncle Cyrus.

I can't do that.

I'm just going to have to
stay out of the old goat's way.

Yeah, sure. Why
not? It's a big ship.

Want to raise the ante, guys?

Yeah. Yeah.

Julie, you want to go
skinny-dipping in the pool?

Oh, marvelous.

I'm not here to make love.

No, I didn't ask you to.

Oh, don't ask.

I didn't have to ask.

Mark, please. I really
don't know why I'm here.

Why? Who cares why? You're here.

Would you like to have a drink?

No, thanks.

Would you like to have a talk?

If you promise not
to try to talk me into...

I don't know what.

I promise.

So I suppose Alfred
will be showing you

the sights in Puerto
Vallarta tomorrow?

No, he'll be working.

Oh.

I was planning on
seeing the town alone.

That's impossible.
You need a guided tour.

I suppose you're the guide?

(speaks Spanish)

(speaks Spanish)

( majestic theme playing)

( majestic theme swells)

(mariachi band
playing upbeat music)

GOPHER (on PA): For all those
not going ashore in Puerto Vallarta,

there will be a buffet
luncheon on the Riviera Deck.

Excuse me, sir.

You know, Puerto Vallarta
Is one of my favorite places.

Maybe I'll settle down
here when I retire

and hang up my ship on
the old locker room wall.

Yes, sir. Sir?

What's on your mind, Julie?

Well, sir, it's about
your uncle, Mr. Foster.

Uncle Cyrus?
Oh, I almost forgot.

He wants to have cocktails
and dinner with you tonight.

You know, I think he's
taking quite a shine to you.

Yes, sir. Well, you see,
it's more than just a shine.

Then I take it it's a yes.
Uncle will be delighted.

CYRUS: Yoo-hoo.

Nephew.

Uncle, looks like you
and Julie have a date.

Isn't that nice?

Let's say at 5, I'll pick
you up at your cabin?

(chuckles): That's my uncle.

Always the gentleman.

Yes, isn't he?

Excuse me.

STUBING: Splendid
scenery, isn't it?

Splendid scenery.

Oh, Jim.

Hello, Mr. Scott.
Is Allison ready?

Well, you just missed her.

She went into Puerto
Vallarta with, uh, Brad.

Oh, I see. Okay.

She said to say she was sorry.

She said you'd understand.

Yeah, I understand.

( melancholy theme playing)

SANDRA: Are you really
an expert on Mexico?

MARK: Are you kidding?

I happen to own every record
Marcel Marceau ever made.

ALLISON: What?

How much you pay for this?

Who knows? Whenever
I'm in a foreign country,

I take whatever money
I have in my pocket,

hold it out and pray.

And you call yourself a guide?

MARK: Ci, señora.

Now this.

This is the most romantic
hotel in all of Puerto Vallarta.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes.

It has an enchanting little bar

that serves the best
margarita in town.

And in every room,

here's a beautiful
hand-carved, four-poster bed.

Something no
tourist should miss.

Mark, that would be crazy.

Of course it would be crazy,

but I've never known a moment
that mattered that wasn't crazy.

All right.

All right. At least we can
have the best margarita in town.

I still can't believe it.

Not only did I not tell the
captain about his uncle,

I somehow got roped
into cocktails and dinner

with the old buzzard.

Captain?

Oh, the other old buzzard.

JULIE: The worst part is,

he's coming to my
cabin to pick me up.

What am I gonna do?

I suggest you wear
a beautiful gown,

some attractive
jewelry, and track shoes.

Hey. Hey, guys, guys,
this is no laughing matter.

Now, somebody should
teach him a lesson.

He's doing all right
without lessons.

I wish my Aunt Phoebe were
here. She'd teach him a lesson.

Who is that? My Aunt Phoebe?

She's a vice cop in Milwaukee.

Sort of like Angie Dickinson
without the blonde hair

or the great body,
or the beautiful face.

Oh, a female Kojak.

(laughs)

Phoebe busts guys like
Uncle Cyrus for breakfast.

But that's just
wishful thinking.

She's in Milwaukee.

Julie, if you like, I
could slip on a dress,

and I could be your Aunt Phoebe.

Hey.

You know, doc, I
think that could work.

No, no. I'm just kidding.

Why? You've got nice legs.

Sure, shave those legs,
slip on some pantyhose,

and who's gonna know?

Oh, the ship's
doctor can't do that.

I'm on call all the time.

Right.

Guys, I'd like to do it,

but they'd never buy
me as Julie's aunt.

Mustache.

Hey.

Now, wait a minute.

Uh-uh.

I don't have a thing to wear.

Okay, all right, I'll do
it, but remember this.

Just because I'm a purser,

does not mean I
have to carry a purse.

Can I have this next dance?

(chuckles)

( romantic theme playing)

(knocking on door)

ALLISON: Daddy, you in there?

Hi. Hi.

Oh, Dad, Brad and I
had the greatest time.

And have I got news for you.

Oh, well, I hope it's
about the merger.

If it doesn't go
through, I'm wiped out.

Well, Dad, would
you let me tell you?

Now Brad said something

about keeping you
on as a consultant

after the deal is made.

Seriously? Yes.

Oh, Allison, what
would I do without you?

Me? I didn't do anything.

Oh, you just clinched
the deal, that's all.

But tell me, honey, the truth.

Wouldn't you rather have
spent the day with Jim?

I mean, this Brad Collins
isn't the kind of guy...

No, Dad, I really like Brad.

Really?

Really.

( majestic theme playing)

This doesn't make
any sense, Sandra.

How can you leave
me when we're out

in the middle of the ocean?

Try to understand, Alfred.

I'm not abandoning ship,
I'm just abandoning you.

You're abandoning your senses.

Maybe I am a little crazy.

Maybe it's time I
got a little crazy.

That's your trouble,
Al. You're never crazy,

and your never being
crazy has driven me crazy.

Oh, no, that's
not your thinking.

That's Mark Littlejohn.

Mark loves me.

Mark Littlejohn doesn't
love anybody but himself.

Give me another chance.

It's too late.

You wasted all your chances.

Hi.

Hello.

Jimmy, listen, I'm sorry.

Can we talk?

I've got a rehearsal.

Hey, my father means more to
me than anything in the world.

He needs this deal.

That's why I went
ashore with Brad.

Well, why didn't you come to
my cabin and tell me that yourself?

I didn't have a chance.

Please don't be mad at
me. I wanted to go with you.

Honest.

I promise,

I'll never do anything
like that to you again.

You can do that to me
anytime you want to.

Am I forgiven?

Oh, no, you don't
get away that easy.

Now you're forgiven.

Listen, Allison,

I don't wanna rush
you into anything.

Jimmy, you're not rushing me.

What about this guy, Brad?

That's business and
business only, okay?

Okay.

You want me to take off?

Would you mind?

No.

We'll pick up where
we left off later.

Who is that guy?

Oh, he's just an old friend.

Well, let's just keep
it that way, okay?

Now, how about a nice
kiss for a new friend?

How much whiskey can you drink?

How much whiskey is there?

I hope you two will be
very happy together.

Well, thank you, Alfred.
We're gonna try to be.

She's a wonderful woman.

She's exceptional.

Smart.

Sexy.

You guys left out sophisticated.

I also left out loyal.

Alfred, don't worry. I'll
take very good care of her.

For Pete's sake, Sandra,

don't you know what
your life will be like

married to this lush?

Hey, I beg your pardon.

Who said anything
about marriage?

I'm a charter member of the AMA.

"Against Marriage Absolutely."

That's very funny. Yes.

I like that. Good.

You should have
stayed in publishing,

because now you're
into my specialty.

( exciting theme playing)

Down with marriage.
This is for free love.

Now, there's nothing
free about Sandra's love.

If you want it, it's
gonna cost you.

Mr. Newberry, are you all right?

Hold on just a second.

Stop it, enough. Stop
it, stop it, both of you.

Stop it, enough. Stop it.

Stop it, stop it.

This is your captain,
and that is an order.

This is to defend
a woman's honor.

You're more interested
in the woman's honor

than the woman herself.

I am interested in Sandra.

She is my whole life.

Stop it, Mark,
you've done enough.

Alfred.

Alfred.

Is that crazy enough for you?

Oh, honey, you're not
experienced enough

to be that crazy.

( majestic theme playing)

(knocking on door)

Hi. Hi.

How do you like it?

Left over from one of
our masquerade balls.

Cyrus will be here
any minute. You're late.

I had a little trouble
getting into my bra.

Well, do you like it?
Do I look like your aunt?

You look like my uncle.

Your uncle wore a bra?

Come on, Gopher,
let's be serious.

We don't have much time.

Now, let's rehearse this. Right.

You'll be hiding outside,
Cyrus will come in here.

If he should happen
to make a pass,

I will ring the bell. (dings)

You come running, right?

One question. What?

Does this lip gloss
go with my nail polish?

Outside.

Ringy-dingy.

Hi, sailor. Good afternoon.

Gopher?

(dings)

(dinging)

( comedic theme swells)

( majestic theme playing)

Let's forget the dining
room, we'll have dinner here.

Mr. Foster, you came here
to take me out for cocktails.

Well, first, we'll
have a little appetizer.

How about a little kiss?

(dinging)

If you think I'm gonna
retire to a neutral corner,

you've got another thing coming.

Hurry up!

I'm chasing you
as fast as I can.

(dinging)

Oh, darling. No.

Okay, Mac, you've
mauled your last innocent.

Phoebe McCoy, Milwaukee
Vice. I'm taking you in.

What?

You heard, Mac,
let's go quietly.

Where? We're in the middle
of the ocean. Who is this?

I'm Julie's aunt, Phoebe.

And keep your
hands off my niece,

or I'll bend your bones.

And you can take
that to the bank.

Aunt Phoebe? Yes.

Huh. Aunt Phoebe,
I can explain this.

It's just a casual dinner date.

Well, the date's off. I'm
having dinner with my aunt.

Phoebe, would you keep an
eye on this guy while I freshen up?

Sure, honey.

How could you?
My own little niece.

I'm... I'm sorry, Aunt Phoebe.

I'm... I'm an uncle myself,

and I know exactly
the way you feel.

I promise never to lay
a hand on her again.

I should hope not.

No, I need a much
more mature woman.

Somebody with experience
who has been around.

Like yourself. Back
off, I'm a policewoman.

I can't help myself. I'm
a nut for law and order.

You're a guy.

You're the assistant purser.

I kissed an assistant purser.

You're lucky, you
almost got the doctor.

This is entrapment.

I'm gonna report
you two to the captain.

Go ahead, Mr. Foster.

I'm sure the captain would love
to know what caused all of this.

I don't know why I
carry on this way.

I was married to
Edith for 32 years.

Rest her soul.

I never once...

It's funny.

Funny how lonely you can get

when you lose the
most important one.

I know it isn't much,

but I guess it's the
only excuse I have.

Julie, can you ever forgive me?

Of course I can, Mr. Foster,

but you've gotta
change your ways.

Have you tried
bingo, Mr. Foster?

I guess... I guess
this means dinner's off.

Not if you promise
to behave yourself.

Oh, I promise.

Then dinner's on.

In the dining room.

Gopher, will you join us?

I'm not dressed for dinner.

See you back at the precinct.

(chuckles)

Toodles.

Gopher.

Has this ship gone mad?

( majestic theme playing)

Jim.

Allison, do me a favor. Just
leave me alone, all right?

I don't understand.

Look, it's over between
us, so let's forget about it.

Jimmy, what are
you talking about?

JIM: This little game
you've been playing.

You and your dad are nothing,
but a couple of cheap hustlers.

He's got you hitting on
this guy just to clinch a deal.

Allison.

Jim, it was all my fault.

I wanted this deal so
badly that I-I closed my eyes

to what was really happening.

Allison was just
trying to help me.

Please, forgive her.

Well, forgive me.

Listen, Mr. Scott.

I'm in love with your daughter.

But she... Leave it to me.

I'll straighten this out.

Well, Marty, look it here. I
found my dancing partner.

Forget dancing
for a minute, Brad.

Let's talk business.

Later, Marty. No, now.

Allison, wait for me
at the table, please.

Thank you.

What's this all about?

Look, I came on
board to discuss a deal.

Allison is not part of it.

Just who do you think you
are, laying down rules to me?

You need this merger,
buster, and you need it bad.

I don't need it that bad.

The deal is off.

Now, Daddy, what did you do?

Well, let's just say that
he's not the kind of guy

I wanna do business with.

But, Dad...

Look, there's a guy up
there that I happen to know

is nuts about you.

And I think the
feeling's mutual.

Why don't the two of you
go out on the dance floor

and talk this thing over.

Right now, we'd
like to play a number

that's one of my favorites.

And it's a favorite,

because, um, I
arranged it without sax.

(band playing)

Jim, I...

( majestic theme playing)

(knocking on door)

Who is it? BRAD: It's Brad.

Martin, I want you
to sign these papers.

What's this all about?

Remember I told you I
always get what I want?

Well, I don't.

I don't get people knocking
themselves out for me

the way your kid did for you.

Well, Allison's my daughter.
She cares about me.

Other people care
about you too, Martin.

You know how to
make that happen.

And that's what I'm buying.

So sign right here.

What? Here's the pen.

As soon as you put your
name on that dotted line,

we'll get Allison,

and we'll take her
out and celebrate.

Forget Allison.

Allison and Jim.

It is Jim, isn't it? Yeah.

I wanna get to know
the whole damn family.

I'm sorry for putting
you through all that.

Well, I'm not.

I'd be a lot sorrier if I kept
on going the way it was going

and let you slip
away. I love you.

Hey.

You start that, and we're
liable to wind up in bed again.

(knocking on door)

Go away.

(knocking on door)

MARK: Hello. Hello?

The final chapter,
Alfred, read it right now.

It is unforgettable.

Drop it off in my
office, will you?

My wife and I have other plans,

and they are going
to be unforgettable.

(chuckles)

Now, be careful about that.

( majestic theme playing)

(horn blowing)

(speaking inaudibly)

Hey, you two, save it for later.

You're holding up the ship.

Forget about the ship.

They're holding up the biggest
merger since Sears and Roebuck.

Sorry, man,

we're working on a
merger of our own.

(chuckles)

Goodbye. Come see us again.

Bye-bye. Oh, captain.

Oh, it's a fine ship
you've got here.

It was a wonderful cruise.

It was quite memorable.

Yes, I'm sorry about the fracas.

I'm sure my publisher
will pay for any damages.

I already spoke to Mr. Newberry.
He said he'd pay for everything.

Out of your royalties.

Well, I didn't mind Alfred
giving me a clout in the head,

but hitting me in the wallet...

That's going a mite
too far, don't you think?

Aren't you gonna
say goodbye to Mark?

I just wanna say hello to you.

( pleasant theme swells)

( majestic theme playing)

Oh... Great ship, Merrill.

Wonderful crew,
especially Julie.

You know, I've got
quite a crush on that girl.

Oh, come on, Uncle Cyrus.

Isn't she a little
too young for you?

Of course she is. Merrill,
what do you think I am?

A cradle snatcher?

Julie, Gopher,

I wanna thank you
both for a wonderful time.

Well, Uncle Cyrus, it was
great having you aboard.

It was a real challenge. I
won't forget you in a hurry.

I won't forget you, Gopher.

Cute knees.

You take care of yourself,
Uncle Cyrus, all right?

You old cutie.

Julie, one last question.

Sure?

You got a younger sister?

( majestic theme swells)

( majestic theme playing)