[THEME TUNE STARTS]
♪ Love
♪ Exciting and new
♪ Come aboard
♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love
♪ Life's sweetest reward
♪ Let it flow
♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat
♪ Soon will be
making another run
♪ The Love Boat
♪ Promises
something for everyone
♪ Set a course for adventure
♪ Your mind on a new romance
♪ And love
♪ Won't hurt anymore
♪ It's an open smile
♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love
♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪
[CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYS]
[LAUGHTER AND CHATTER]
Hey, Doc, Doc!
Isn't that beautiful?
DOC: Not too shabby.
St. Thomas. Did you know
that's one of the Virgin Islands?
Well, what better place
to start a wedding cruise?
You know, I'm really
excited about this trip. Ha!
St. Thomas, then Caracas.
That's in Venezuela.
Then on to Curaçao.
That's a Dutch possession.
Remind me when we get
there. I'll buy you a tulip.
Ha-ha! Then you know what?
We're gonna go through the
Panama Canal to Panama City,
then on to the Mexican Riviera.
Acapulco, Cabo San Lucas.
And then back to LA. Now,
man, that's really hitting the spots.
If you want to hit some spots,
come with me some night back in LA.
Fiesta Deck is one deck below.
Enjoy the wedding, Mrs. Walker.
Thanks.
- Excuse me, Mrs. Walker?
- Yes.
- Terry's mother?
- Yes.
I think it's only proper
that the father of the groom
should meet the mother of the
bride. I'm Carl Lawrence, Ted's father.
OK. Well, I'm Marion
Walker. Very nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. Ted
doesn't know I'm here.
I live in Europe
now. I just flew in.
Well, I'm going to be a
surprise for my daughter too.
Ah!
Mr. Lawrence, I hope
this doesn't upset you,
but... I've come here to talk
the kids out of the wedding.
I mean, they're still in college.
They're much too young.
- They simply don't know...
- Wait a minute.
I'm here for exactly
the same reason.
Mrs. Walker, it's going to be
a pleasure working with you.
- Well!
- [CHUCKLES]
- Hello.
- There you go.
There you go.
OK, now we got a Richard
Anderson and Alberta Cannon, right?
Hello, Alberta.
Couple number .
Now, couple number ...
Excuse me. You remember us?
Terry Walker and Ted Lawrence.
All right! Couple
number , as I recall.
How come we've been
given separate cabins?
Oh, because in the
Marriage-a-Thon contest,
engaged couples are not
allowed to room together.
So the brides are on the Riviera Deck
and the grooms are on the Fiesta Deck.
But there is a hanky-panky
deck in between.
- [THEY LAUGH]
- Great!
OK, moving right along,
we need a Mr. Fred Chapell
- and Catherine Collins.
- Hello, Catherine.
- They ruined the whole trip for us!
- They're nice!
- They bought you booze all night.
- Well, that's true.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Don't I know you folks?
I'm Isaac Washington.
The face is familiar.
I'm Tom McMahon.
This is Mary Hubbell.
- Hi.
- Right. Tom and Mary!
Don't you remember me?
Before I worked on the ship, I was
the bartender at your engagement party.
Which one?
In the last ten years, we've
been engaged ten times.
And disengaged nine times.
[TOM CHUCKLES]
Well... are you here
to get married now?
Oh, yes. You bet we are!
And if he decides to jump
overboard, I'm jumping right in after him
with the minister and making him
say, "I do" before he hits the water.
Good for you.
You have to be the
captain of the ship.
Not even Bull Halsey could
fit that description better.
Why, thank you. Captain
Merrill Stubing at your service.
Lawrence Evans and
my lovely wife, Sheila.
- STUBING: My pleasure.
- Hello.
And this is my
beautiful daughter, Vicki.
- That she is.
- Hi.
So this Marriage-a-Thon
is your brainchild?
Yes. Yes, spectacular,
isn't it? Spectacular.
The winning couple will
get a brand-new house,
a new automobile
and $, cash.
I tell you, we'll be covered
by press all over the world.
- I believe you're right.
- Not to mention the television special.
Oh, we're almost signed
by the network, dear.
Well, they say the wife
is always the last to know.
I was saving it as
a surprise for you.
Well, I can see why you
came up with the idea.
You two could pass for
newlyweds yourselves.
Will you join me at my
table for dinner tonight?
- Oh, yes. We'd be delighted.
- Absolutely!
I'll look forward to it. Vicki.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye Vicki.
Well, the Captain's gone now,
Larry. You can drop the act.
It's not an act, Sheila.
I can't tell you how grateful
I am you came along.
Well, after ten years of marriage,
I guess I owe you that much.
You don't owe me anything.
But you saved me
from public humiliation.
Could you see the headline?
The promoter of the Marriage-a-Thon
being sued for divorce.
Well, you needn't worry.
During this cruise, I'm gonna
be your devoted shipmate,
but when we dock in LA,
I'm going on permanent leave.
Hello. You must be
one of our brides-to-be.
Is it that obvious?
Well, you're young, attractive
and anxiously waiting for someone.
My fiancé, Brian, and
Marv, his best man.
Oh, the whole wedding party. I'm
your cruise director, Julie McCoy.
Hi, Julie. Emily Marcus.
Well, hi.
Oh. I see you're getting a
very thoughtful husband.
I bought these myself.
Oh, well, as long as he remembers
to show up for the wedding.
[LAUGHING] Right.
[LIVELY MUSIC]
[CHATTER]
- Just wait here a second.
- OK.
- Marv.
- Brian.
It's about time. Come on. Emily's
probably on board waiting for us.
It's time to sail.
- Would you sit down just for a minute?
- We're going to be late!
- I'm not going.
- What?
I'm not getting married.
I don't believe this!
What, did you break your
engagement with Emily?
Well... yes and no. What I
mean is, I haven't told her yet.
That's kind of what I
want you to do for me.
Are you crazy?
You've always been
great at saving my life.
Yeah, I know. All through
school, I did your dirty work for you.
- I know. Remember in th grade...
- Brian!
Brian, this isn't the th grade!
This is where I draw the line.
Make up an excuse. I know you can
do it. This is the last time, I promise.
How can you ask me
to do something...?
Well... what do you know?
If it isn't good old Myrna.
Yeah, well that's us.
On again, off again.
- And now it's on again.
- Right.
- I'll see you, Marv.
- Brian...
I know you can do it.
Thanks.
Brian!
[HORN BLASTS]
- Hi.
- Hello, Adam.
- You wanted to see me, Merrill?
- Ah, yes.
Mr. Evans asked me to be a judge
for the Marriage-a-Thon contest...
- Uh-huh.
- I had to turn him down,
because I'll be too busy. So I'm
appointing you to take my place.
But, Merrill, I'll be
just as busy as you.
Busier. Because
you'll also be a judge.
- But, look...
- Or find someone else. That's an order.
- DOC: Gopher!
- What?
- Oh, congratulations!
- For what?
I hear you're a judge in
the Marriage-a-Thon contest.
Hey, wait a minute!
Where did you hear that?
- Oh, the captain told me.
- Well, why me?
I told him I'd be happy to do it, but
he thinks you'd be better qualified.
That's ridiculous! You
should be the judge.
You're the one that's
been married four times.
Exactly. But he thinks
I'm over-qualified.
Over-qualified?! Doc,
come on, give me a break!
Oh, excuse me. I'm Valerie
Madden and this is Rina Ward.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Could you tell us what cabin they're
using for the Marriage-a-Thon contest?
Oh, are you two brides-to-be?
- No, we're not.
- We're two of the judges.
Judges?
Oh, I'm Burl Smith.
I am the third judge.
Well, that's great!
The three of us will be
working very closely together.
Hey, that is the
only way to judge.
Shall we just get
started right now?
Tell the captain I think
he made a wise choice.
[CHUCKLES]
- Tom?
- Hmm?
Are you all right?
Good. Good. I'm
fine. Fine, dear. Why?
You do remember we're on this
cruise to get married, don't you?
Of course I remember, honey.
Then why are you smiling?
- What?
- Why are you smiling?
Oh, I guess... because we're finally
getting married after all these years,
and I'm happy about
it. [CHUCKLES]
Or maybe you're smiling
because you're thinking of another
excuse for us not to get married.
- What?
- Shut up! That's what.
- Julie? Julie!
- Yes?
I'm kind of worried. Brian
and Marv didn't make it.
Oh, well, it's a big ship.
You probably just haven't
caught up with each other yet.
I've looked everywhere for
them. I can't find them anywhere.
Well...
- Marv!
- Marv Prine!
Oh!
Julie!
Julie! Oh, I was hoping you'd
be on this cruise. You look great.
Well, so do you.
Now, how are you?
- OK. How are you?
- Good.
Am I the one getting
married or is it you two?
Oh, we're old friends. We met
last year on an Alaskan cruise.
That's right. You were the best
man at Doug and Carol's wedding.
- Right.
- See, Julie? Things never change.
- Always a best man, never a groom.
- Where's Brian?
Remember? The guy
I'm getting married to.
Yeah, well...
He got detained,
Emily. Business.
Business? At a time like this?
Well, you see, he
also lost his passport.
They said they'd rush
to get him another one,
but Brian just thought I should go
on ahead and he'd join us in Caracas.
Oh, no.
Emily...
It's only one more day.
I guess so.
Besides, better late
than never, right?
Yeah, better late than never.
Right! Better late
than never. [LAUGHS]
- Dad!
- You remembered.
I can't believe It! You're here!
- You came for the wedding!
- Sure.
- Oh, Dad, this is Terry.
- Terry, how nice to meet you.
Very nice meeting you
too. This is some surprise.
- Not as big as the one coming up.
- Hi, Terry.
Mom! This is fantastic! Oh,
I was hoping you'd come.
- Sweetheart.
- Wait a second.
- How did Mr. Lawrence know that you...?
- We met when we were checking in.
- I'm Ted, Mrs. Walker.
- Ted.
- To both of you from both of us...
- This is great!
Thanks for coming.
We won't forget this.
Hey, how's it going, Isaac?
For me, OK.
For him... great.
This nearly was mine.
Boy, you're lucky you're not a
judge, Doc. This job could k*ll a man.
I'm willing to die.
There you are, kid.
How do you like it?
Well, Larry, I'm not divorcing you
because I didn't like our accommodation.
- You always travel first class.
- Is there any other way?
- Pretty flowers.
- Mmm.
And fruit, and wine. Well, the
captain is obviously impressed.
Why, Larry?
Because I still love you.
Sheila, it's not too late.
Listen, all those bad
years are behind us.
Things are just beginning to break for
me now, with the Marriage-a-Thon, the...
Stop it, Larry!
We've gone over this
too many times before.
Sheila baby, I need you.
Oh, Larry.
No, Larry. All you ever
needed was success.
Look, Larry, I
agreed to come along.
Let's not make me
regret that decision.
OK, OK, all right, all right.
But I do still love you, and
before this cruise is over,
- I'm going to win you back.
- Oh!
- Larry.
- Mmm?
When the maid comes in, will
you have her make up the couch?
It's gonna be tough.
It's gonna be tough.
Listen to me. You're just a kid.
When I was your age, I wasn't
even thinking about getting married.
I'm not thinking about
it, Dad. I'm doing it.
- Well, good evening.
- Marion.
So... what are you two up to?
- Oh, just a little father-son talk.
- Great!
Look at your menus,
see what to eat.
And he says, "Look around, big
boy, and see if you missed anybody."
[WOMEN LAUGH]
- Good evening, everyone.
- Hi, Doc.
One of the best
jokes come from...
[DOCTOR CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, Doc, yeah. Doc,
this is Valerie Madden.
She's the editor of Bride
and Groom magazine.
- Hello.
- A pleasure to meet you.
And this is Rina Ward.
Rina is a professor of
psychology, and the other judge.
- Charmed, I'm sure.
- Mm-hm.
- May I?
- Sure.
Well, we're just going
to go off someplace
and discuss the
rules of judging.
And since you're not a
judge, you'd feel out of place.
Isaac, excuse me.
Have you seen Tom?
He was supposed to meet
me here minutes ago.
I'm afraid he's flown the
coop. Jumped ship, Isaac!
He doesn't want to marry
me. I know he doesn't.
Shh. Shh.
It's Tom.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Gee, I'm sorry to be late.
I don't think I've seen a
happier group in my dining room.
- That's young love for you, Captain.
- I wonder which ones will make it?
Without divorce.
It hits almost one out
of every two couples.
Yes, but let's just hope they're
smart enough to follow your example.
Well, a successful
marriage takes work, Captain.
And if by chance you
make a mistake or two,
then you just have to work at it that
much harder. Isn't that right, darling?
When I get married, my husband
and I are gonna make it stick.
"My husband?" That sounds yucky.
[LAUGHTER]
Remember that time in school
when someone let the
air out of my bicycle tires
and you rode me
home on your bike
and we stopped for hot chocolate
and went to the late movie?
Got home so late I thought our
parents would k*ll us. Remember that?
Who do you think let
the air out of your tires?
[EMILY LAUGHS]
Well, hello. How's the
bride and best man doing?
Fine. Just fine.
Emily, I want you to know
that this lady happens to be
the world's greatest
cruise director.
Oh! How many cruise
directors do you know?
Well, Marv happens to
be my all-time favorite guy.
Oh, yeah? How many
guys do you know?
Hmm...
Great. Great!
For a day that started out so
miserably, it's turning out all right.
Thanks to you.
- Mind if I join you?
- No.
You know, I meant
what I said at dinner.
I have learned my lesson.
I do not want to lose you.
Oh, oh... I know that look.
Oh, I know what is
going through your brain.
You are thinking, "Should
I believe him this time
or is that blankety-blank
lying in his teeth again?"
Well, believe it,
baby, it's the truth.
[SCOFFING LAUGHTER] The truth?
He wouldn't recognize the truth if it
jumped up and bit him on the nose.
Oh, that was delicious.
Anybody for seconds?
ALL: No.
Well, I don't know about all of you,
but I'm not going to insult the chef.
Come on. Why don't you
keep your old man company?
Don't worry, gluttony
doesn't run in the family.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, Ted is so terrific!
Yes, he does seem
like a very nice boy.
Mm-hm.
- But you're both so young.
- Oh, Mom!
How do you intend
to support yourselves?
We'll get by. Maybe we'll win that
$, in the Marriage-a-Thon,
you never know.
Terry, be practical. You've
only known him a very short time.
Two months.
There is no way that you can know
that you are really in love in two months.
Mom, I'm not a kid anymore.
I'm . I know what love is.
Mom!
Ted, I know from experience you
can't get to know a person in two months.
Dad, we saw each
other every day.
We're together
practically all the time.
You don't rush into
something this important.
You've got to get to
know each other better.
How long did you and Mom go
together before you were married?
That's exactly it.
A year and a half.
Right. And you
ended up in divorce.
Ah... don't change the
subject. [CLEARS THROAT]
- Marv!
- Hi.
Pretty nifty outfit you got on
there, and you're only the best man.
Thanks. You don't look
too shabby yourself there.
Emily, I don't want
you to feel that...
If you want to hang out
with your friends over there...
Oh, please. I just
listened to couples
each tell how they
met and got engaged.
- That could get a little old.
- Yeah, a little.
- Hi, Marv, Emily.
- BOTH: Julie.
The radio room finally got
through to the hotel in St. Thomas.
They said Brian had
already checked out.
Great! Oh, that means he's
definitely going to meet us in Caracas.
Oh, well, I hoped that'd
bring a smile to your face.
Oh, yeah! Oh, what fun. I
can't wait for him to get here.
Me too.
- Want to put a head on that?
- Certainly.
- Mary's not here yet, huh?
- No, not yet.
You know, Isaac, I love Mary.
In fact, she's the only woman
I've ever loved in my whole life.
But this getting
married business...
You mean you still
don't want to get married?
Oh, I want to get married.
[SIGHS]
In fact, I wish Mary and I were on this
cruise celebrating our th anniversary.
Hey! Well, then,
what's the problem?
It's those first
years I can't deal with.
Oh, yeah.
[WHISTLES]
Mrs. Evans.
Oh, I envy you, Captain.
You have a beautiful life
here. The ocean, your ship.
- Vicki.
- Especially Vicki.
You know, I always
wanted to have a family,
but with Larry, you're
constantly on the move.
Maybe someday. [CHUCKLES]
- You'd make one heck of a mother.
- You think so?
Hmm.
I've just about run out
of arguments with Ted.
I'm not getting anywhere either.
But then, what kid ever
listens to his parents?
[CHUCKLES] You're right.
Maybe that's where
we went wrong.
- What do you mean?
- Look, why don't we agree with them?
Why don't we tell them
- we're not opposed to the marriage?
- What?
Then when their guards are down,
you work on my kid and I'll work on yours.
How do we do that?
Well, we'll just very
slyly and subtly...
exaggerate all their faults.
- Oh, that is hitting below the belt.
- Mm-hm.
- An evil idea.
- Mm-hm.
- But I like it.
- [THEY LAUGH]
[UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER]
No, no, no, Mr. McMahon.
I do not believe the
definition of a perfect husband
is one who never gets caught.
Well, maybe you're
right. He's not perfect.
Just lucky.
Well, let's get started
with the test now.
Ladies, make a list
of those ten qualities
that you think make
the perfect husband.
Gentlemen, make a
list of those ten qualities
that you think make the
perfect wife. All ready? Begin.
Well, if you want to live that
way, that's up to you, I guess.
In my opinion, I think
your theories are ridiculous!
Why? Because I don't live
in the Dark Ages, like you do?
- Wait...
- In my opinion, a couple is compatible
only when they're
psychologically well-matched.
- Makes sense.
- Psychologically well-matched?
What if the bride doesn't know
the first thing about cooking
and the groom comes home
every night to a burned dinner?
[ALL BICKER]
- Excuse me.
- What?
Pardon me. Just a moment.
- What?
- Boy, I really feel sorry for you.
Being a judge, you always end up
in the middle of arguments
and petty jealousy.
You know something, Doc?
I think you might be right.
Of course I'm right.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
Oh.
I'll speak to the captain about
getting you out of being a judge.
- You'd do that for me?
- What are friends for?
Excuse me, Gopher.
You've heard our arguments.
Do you agree with Rina...
or with me?
GOPHER: Well, I...
Don't you agree there are more
important things in a marriage than a home?
Doc, forget about
talking to the captain.
I don't want to bother
him with my problems.
Doc, you have no one
to blame but yourself.
[CHATTER]
Excuse me, Mr. Evans. Cablegram.
Oh, thank you, Julie. That's
what I've been waiting for.
It's from the
television network.
They're buying the
Marriage-a-Thon special.
- Well?
- Looking good!
Looking good.
Marv, there are a lot of girls on
this ship who aren't getting married.
You don't have to spend
all your time with me.
I know.
But I'm glad you did.
I tell you, you dance a lot better than
you did when we were in high school.
- That's because now you let me lead.
- [LAUGHS]
Well, here we are.
- Good night.
- Good night.
And thanks.
When Brian gets here, remind me
to tell him what a super friend he has.
Yeah, sure.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Hm.
- Marv, hi.
- Hi, Julie.
- Where's Emily?
- She went to bed.
Oh, I bet she wants to look
good for Brian tomorrow.
Yeah.
Marv?
Julie, I need to talk.
Well, I remember
after the Alaskan cruise,
we promised to be friends
for life. What's the problem?
It's Brian.
- He's not detained again, is he?
- No. No.
I made that up.
Julie, he's not coming at all.
- He ran off with an old girlfriend.
- What?
- What a heel!
- Yeah.
- He left you to tell Emily?
- I just couldn't do it.
She's such a great girl, Julie. I
mean, she's everything a man could...
She's definitely
too good for Brian.
Sounds like you have a little
feeling of your own for her.
Maybe more than a little?
Marv, first things first. You
have to tell Emily about Brian.
I know. I just don't have
the heart to hurt her.
Well, if it'll help, I'll go with
you. We can go right now.
No, not now. I'll
do it in the morning.
Thanks, friend.
- Have a good night.
- Hm.
You're sure you're
not jealous, Doc?
Me, jealous? Huh!
You know, those two ladies will
not leave me alone for a minute.
Hey, Gopher, you know, I may
have many character defects,
but I have never
been a jealous person.
If you're having fun with those
two lady judges, more power to you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Oh, Doc, I can't tell you how
glad I am to hear you feel that way.
- Oh, Gopher.
- Oh, Valerie! Hi.
You promised to have breakfast
with me. When can we meet?
- Soon.
- Oh, make it very soon, hmm?
Anyway, as I was saying,
jealousy is just a waste of time.
- Eight o'clock.
- Hey.
- Gopher!
- Oh, Rina.
- Hi.
- Gopher, you've been jogging.
- Yeah.
- I just love a man who stays in shape.
[CHUCKLING]
But you bad boy, you. You
forgot all about our drink last night.
Oh, gee, I did forget.
I'll forgive you if you
take me to breakfast.
Would you excuse
me just, like, a second?
- Doc. Doc.
- What? Yeah.
Doc, these two women are
really coming on strong to me.
Do you think you could
help me out? I need a favor.
Gopher, anything. You name it.
Help Julie with bingo.
I'm going to be tied up.
- Larry, I'm Ed Wight.
- Oh.
This is a terrific contest
you're putting on, Mr. Evans.
Yes, sir, my girl and
me sure hope we win.
- Those are some prizes.
- Yeah.
I mean, a house, a car,
, in cash. [WHISTLES]
You know, if I were to
win a house and a car,
that would be plenty for me.
You could keep the money.
Oh, isn't this beautiful?
Look at those white caps.
They must be five to ten feet high.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Hey, good morning.
- Oh, good morning.
- Hey, how's it going?
- Oh, fine.
The early bird
catches the lovebirds.
- Yeah.
- Good to see you. All right.
Nice young man.
Tom, another thing. You know,
we've never really discussed
where we're going to
live after we get married.
Well, I was just thinking that
little house your brother has,
that's the kind of
house we ought to buy.
Are you kidding? I don't
want to live in a house.
If you live in a house, you spend
all your time cutting the grass
or shoveling snow.
Oh. All right, then. We'll
just get a little apartment.
What?
And have the neighbors upstairs
driving us crazy with all their noise?
- Uh-uh. No way.
- Wait a minute, Tom.
There are only two places to live,
either in a house or in an apart...
- Well, yeah, but I...
- [CHUCKLES] Oh, I see what you're up to.
- What?
- You're trying to think up
another excuse for us not
to get married, aren't you?
Well, let me tell you this,
Mr. Thomas J. McMahon.
We're getting married this time, if we
have to set up house living in a tree!
- Yeah, but...
- Don't "but" me! Come on.
GOPHER: Ladies and
gentlemen, in a few minutes
we will be docking in La Guaira,
the port of Caracas, Venezuela.
Enjoy your day here.
Remember, we will be sailing again
at p.m. this evening.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
I got here as soon as we docked,
but Brian hasn't shown up yet.
Oh, yeah. Right.
Something the matter?
Yeah.
It's Brian.
Is he all right?
Oh, yeah, he's
fine. He's fine. Um...
It's just that...
He's not meeting me here.
No.
No, he's not.
He got delayed again? Now he's
gonna have to meet us at Curaçao.
Right?
Right. That's right. He said
Curaçao to begin with, actually.
I got all mixed up and
told you Caracas. I'm sorry.
How could you make
a mistake like that?
Well, that wasn't easy
for you. She took it hard.
I didn't tell her, Julie.
I said that Brian was
meeting her at Curaçao.
- Oh, Marv!
- I just couldn't tell her, Julie.
- I couldn't.
- I know how you feel.
Oh, what a mess!
Marv.
You know, people always
say how free seamen are.
How we're always
traveling, going places.
Actually, I spend most of my
time confined to a small area.
Well, people are confined
in more ways than one.
Sometimes people just
don't understand each other.
- I understand one thing.
- Mmm?
You and your husband
are having rough times.
Does it show that much?
Only because you try
and hide it that much.
Now, I may be a nosy
captain, but it seems to me,
when a marriage
has lasted that long,
it should have a careful
look before it's thrown away.
That's true.
You know, it's obvious your
husband loves you very much.
Thanks, Captain.
Gloria, you don't have to
make up the couch tonight.
- [KNOCK]
- Yes?
Oh, hi. Is Mr. Evans in?
- No. May I help you?
- No, I don't think so.
Well, I'm Mrs. Evans.
Oh... Well, sure. Tell him I talked
to my fiancée, and it's a deal.
- It's a deal?
- Yeah. He'll know what it means. Thanks.
Wait!
Uh...
A deal.
- Hi, lovebirds.
- [GIGGLING] Oh, Isaac!
Are you ready for the baby
diapering contest tomorrow?
Oh, that's one we can skip.
Oh, no way.
I always used to do it
for my sister's babies.
Now I'll be able
to diaper our baby.
Our... Our baby?
Wait a minute.
Are you telling me you've got
a baby we don't know about?
[LAUGHTER]
No, I mean, I expect to have
a baby after we're married.
Oh... [TOM LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Honey... you're too
old to have a baby.
I mean... I mean...
I mean, I'm too old to have
to listen to a baby cry all night.
If I'm too old to have a baby,
it's because you've dragged
me through ten engagements!
You know, you can
always adopt a baby.
That's right, Isaac.
We can adopt one.
All right, all right. I'll adopt
one, on one condition.
What?
On the condition that on
the day we adopt the baby,
the baby is years
old, has his bags packed,
and is ready to move
into his own apartment.
- Good! You can just move in with him.
- But...
Oh, honey!
Honey! Honey!
We can get together on
Thanksgiving and Christmas!
And I'll even take you for
a drive on Mother's Day!
- Excuse me. Aren't you number ?
- Well, yes.
I never forget a number.
You know, this is a very good idea, you
and I getting to know each other better.
Right. How are you
going to hate your in-laws
unless you really get
to know them, huh?
Were you exaggerating when you
said Ted had all those girlfriends?
Well, I suppose some
of them don't really count.
They were only around
for a week or two.
That's the way Ted always was. In
and out of love at the drop of a hat.
Ah!
- Oh...
- I'll tell you more later.
Oh, yeah.
Terry? A spendthrift?
I never noticed that.
She spends money
like it's going out of style.
Oh, but don't worry
about it. You'll earn a lot.
You'll have to!
Hi, Mom.
How's it going? Everybody
getting to know everybody else?
I hope you're keeping
the scoring up to date.
Now, we have to announce the
winners the night before the wedding.
Don't worry Mr. Evans,
we're working on it.
Every hour of the day.
And the night.
- Larry, excuse me. May I speak to you?
- Oh, yeah.
There's danger signals flickering
in those beautiful eyes, baby.
- What is it?
- Larry, a young man came by the cabin
and he wanted to see
you, and he left a message.
Yes?
- "It's a deal."
- What's a deal?
What does that mean, Larry?
Oh, that. Nothing.
I want to know. And
I want to know now.
It doesn't mean
anything, Sheila.
Come on, Larry, no more lies.
What kind of a deal did you make?
Nothing! Nothing!
Larry, I'm not letting up
on you until you tell me.
OK.
Fine.
The network deal fell through.
And I've already
spent the money.
So I made a deal with the kid.
He wins the contest, he
takes the house and the car.
And we keep the cash.
Larry, you're never
gonna change.
- What?
- We're finished!
Oh, Sheila, come on!
It's a dumb, stupid contest.
Who cares who wins? Listen,
we need the money. I have to do it.
Oh!
All right.
I'll share your secret, but I'm
not going to share your cabin.
And I'm certainly not
going to share your life.
STUBING: You're seeing
Mount Ávila in the background
as we leave Caracas, and
head on a northwesterly course
to our next port
of call, Curaçao,
- Hi.
- Hi.
You look very pretty.
Oh. Thanks.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry
for the way I acted this morning.
I was mad at Brian
and I took it out on you.
Pretty dumb of me, huh?
You've been nicer
to me than anyone.
Emily, I have to talk to you.
Oh, you don't have to apologize.
You made an honest mistake.
So I'll see Brian the day after
tomorrow instead of today. Big deal.
- Emily...
- Oh.
I love you.
Um... You know what I mean!
Yeah. I know what you mean.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Mrs. Evans.
I'm sorry to bother you,
Captain. It's just that, you see,
- well, I'm going to need another cabin.
- Oh.
Larry and I are... finished.
Oh, I've taken more
than a careful look.
It's over.
I'm sorry.
I don't need anything
fancy. Whatever's available.
The problem is, nothing is
available. We're booked solid.
Oh.
You can have my
cabin, Mrs. Evans.
I'm sorry. I couldn't
help overhearing.
That's very sweet. But I
really couldn't take your cabin.
Oh, I'll sleep here in
the office. It'll be fun.
- No...
- Now just a second, please.
If anyone is going to sleep in
the office, that person will be me.
- Oh, I...
- No, I insist.
Besides, when you
consider the fact
that sometimes the captain is
expected to go down with his ship,
this isn't all that bad.
CROWD: Aah!
LARRY: That's right,
fellas! That's right.
Changing babies' diapers
nowadays is a job for both parents.
However, daddies, your
turn will undoubtedly come
at three o'clock in the
morning in the dark.
So on with the blindfolds and
let's start making the diapers.
All right. Remember, our judges will
be watching every move you make,
so be careful. Shall we
begin? One, two, three, and go!
[ANIMATED CHATTER]
[INAUDIBLE]
- Ow!
- Oh...
Where did you learn
to do that so well?
I always paid attention when
my mother was diapering me.
Just let me do it my own way!
It has to go between
the legs or it won't count.
[LAUGHTER]
You do it!
The groom is supposed to do
the diapering. That's the contest.
I'm not diapering. I told you
I didn't want to have a baby.
- This isn't a baby. It's a doll.
- I know it's a doll.
But if I'm too old to have a baby,
I'm certainly too old to have a doll.
Oh, come on, just do it!
- You do it!
- No, you!
[TOM LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Well... you know
what statistics say.
The average American couple
has a child and a half. [LAUGHS]
You can have my half.
How could you give that
couple such a high score?
They're not even married and
they hate each other already.
You know nothing about
psychology. Arguing is healthy.
Really? Then you must be
one of the healthiest girls in town.
Excuse me, ladies.
As a medical man,
perhaps I could be of
some aid in helping you
- make a judging decision.
- No, thank you.
We only discuss
judging with the judges.
Hi, girls. Are we having a
little disagreement here?
Oh, Gopher, I gotta talk to you.
Me too.
OK, well, why don't we go
somewhere and discuss this in private?
No rest for the weary, Doc.
Now, come on, both of you.
You're here to get married.
So you've got to
make up right now.
If I get married, I want to have
children. Even if we have to adopt them.
How about it, Tom? Do
you agree to have children?
OK. One.
OK. One.
See there? Now you're
both together again.
All ready for the
wedding ceremony.
Are you ready to say "I do?"
- Me?
- Yeah.
I've been ready to
say "I do" for ten years.
- By this time, I should've said "I did."
- [LAUGHS]
How about you, Tom? Are
you finally ready to say "I do?"
Of course.
I've always loved Mary and
I'm perfectly ready to say I...
[STRANGULATED GARGLING]
What are you up to now, Tom?
Nothing. I'm...
I'm trying to say I...
[GARGLES]
Isaac, he's trying to
wriggle out of it again!
Are you playing games?
No! I'm trying to say...
But I can't say I... I...
Listen, we're getting married.
Do you hear what I'm saying?
We are going to get married!
Mary, believe me, I'm trying
with all my might to say...
I... I... I... [GARGLING]
Tom, this is a matter
of life and death.
My life and your death!
[TOM LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Oh!
[MOANS OF PLEASURE, GIGGLING]
[KISSING]
[SIGHS OF PLEASURE]
[GIGGLING]
You do agree with me, then,
that psychological factors
are much more important than cooking
or baking to make a successful marriage?
Oh, I don't know.
I guess I'd better hear the
other side of your argument.
- Oh?
- Mm-hm.
[RINA MOANS]
Yeah, I'd say it was the sheer logic
of your argument that convinced me.
See you later... Judge.
[KNOCK]
- Hello.
- Hi, Gopher.
Sorry to bother you,
but... I couldn't sleep.
Oh, you know... being the
judge and being responsible
- for picking the winning couple...
- Tough, yeah.
- Is making me nervous.
- Well, hey, you better come inside.
We just can't have a
nervous judge, can we?
Mmm!
[CHUCKLING]
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
It's so beautiful, isn't it?
I wish Brian was
here to see this.
Sometimes I can't
believe I'm getting married.
I bet you'd make a great husband.
What kind of girl are you looking for?
A girl just like you.
This is a great time to tell me.
You should've told me the day
you let the air out of my bicycle tires.
We could've been
married ten years by now.
Look, Marv...
This is wrong.
I'm getting married to Brian.
- And he's your friend.
- He's not my friend.
And he's not yours either.
Emily...
he's not coming.
He told me to break
the news to you.
Yeah.
I should have told
you before. But...
That's it. He's not coming.
Not to Curaçao,
not to Panama City.
Not to Acapulco. He's
not coming. That's it.
Period!
I'm sorry.
Breakfast is now being served.
Vicki, you've never had
breakfast in the office.
I know. But I just thought it
would be fun for a change.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- Breakfast.
- SHEILA: Coming.
- Good morning.
- Good morning to you.
- Vicki's instituting a new policy.
- That's lovely.
- Come and sit down.
- Thank you.
May I help you out here? You've got
a big job ahead of you. [CHUCKLES]
Ooh, look at that.
Scrambled eggs. My favorite.
- Really?
- And very well done bacon.
- This is for you.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Here's your orange juice.
- Thank you.
This is terrific. It's just
like we were a real family.
Oh, I hear Curaçao is fabulous.
Do you think we could all go
sightseeing together today?
Well, I think it depends
on whether Mrs. Evans...
Sheila. And I'd love to.
- Oh, good.
- Here's to Vicki. Terrific breakfast.
JULIE: Good morning, everybody,
and welcome to Curaçao,
Or as the inhabitants
pronounce it, "Cur-zo."
Curaçao is one of the most picturesque
islands in the Netherlands Antilles.
You may sign up for sightseeing
launches at the desk in the purser's lobby,
I'm sorry, ladies, but I
don't know where Gopher is.
- But he's minutes late.
- And we have to score all the papers.
Excuse me, ladies. Hello.
Gopher had to go ashore on
ship's business. An emergency.
And he asked me, as a
friend, if I could find the time
to take his place
as your fellow judge.
- Doc?
- Hmm?
Can I see you a minute?
Well, of course, Isaac. I
won't be a moment, ladies.
Uh... Please hurry.
Yes.
Whatever we do, I'm sure
you'll be the deciding vote.
Doctor!
Excuse me.
What is it, Isaac?
What is this "emergency"
Gopher had to go ashore for?
- I sent him to get medical supplies.
- What?
You've heard the medical
term "wild goose chase?"
Well, I really must get
back to my fellow judges.
In you go, ladies. Come on.
This way.
There we go.
There.
Vicki, do you know the
native language of Curaçao?
- Spanish?
- No, Papiamento.
- Thank you, Poppy Stubing.
- [LAUGHTER]
Do you know what
"bon bini" means?
It means "welcome."
I never knew traveling
could be so educational.
I always feel kind of
squished in the middle.
Thank you.
[THEY LAUGH]
Can you believe these
hats? Only a dollar each!
Thank you. But your mother was
right. You do love to spend money.
Well, your father said you
fall in love at the drop of a hat,
- and that's why I bought you one.
- Oh, yeah?
MARION: I love the beads.
Thank you very much.
CARL: Sure. My pleasure. You can't
leave Curaçao without a little souvenir.
Yeah. You know we're
striking out with the kids?
- Yeah.
- Have you ever thought
that maybe Terry and Ted
are right and we are wrong?
Sure, I have. Since I've
gotten to know Terry a little,
I really feel much better
about the whole thing.
He's really a fine young man.
He has a lot of his
father's very best qualities.
Oh, you say that
because I buy you beads.
Maybe. We do get along
extremely well for... in-laws-to-be.
Well, then, I think we ought to
get to know each other better.
I think that's the least
we can do for our children.
Well, hi, Tom and Mary.
We'll have a look at you.
Doc, I don't know why Isaac
and Mary had you come by.
I mean, I'm fine.
I just can't say... [SLURS]
I just hope you're able to cure
him, Doctor. Because otherwise,
I am personally going to
give him a tongue transplant.
OK, now, let's see.
Here. Say "ah."
- Go on!
- Ah.
Again, say "ah."
Ah.
- Now say "aaah."
- Aaah.
DOC: Do.
Ah... do!
Aaah...
do! Do.
Aah... do.
Sorry, Doc.
OK, just take it easy
the rest of the day.
It's probably only temporary.
- Thanks.
- What's he got?
A very severe case of cold
feet. He wants to get married,
but his subconscious
refuses to let him say "I do."
But the wedding is
the day after tomorrow.
Do you think his subconscious
will be better by then?
Isaac, as a man who's been
married four times, right now,
I'd say that his subconscious
is the smartest part of his body.
And speaking about bodies, Isaac,
I'd like to get back to Valerie and Rina.
Miss McCoy, have
you seen my wife?
Yes, I believe she went into
town earlier with Captain Stubing.
Oh, yes of, course, that's right,
I remember now. I'd forgotten.
I suggested that myself. I was
going to be very busy today.
Oh, well, Curaçao's
a beautiful city.
She may not be back for quite
a while. Will you excuse me?
[MUSICIANS PLAY FOLK MUSIC]
Julie said that the airline
office is right down this street.
You sure you want
to fly back home?
It'd be better that way.
I'd be lousy company.
All right, come on.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
Emily! Marv!
Emily!
Brian!
Brian!
I've been looking all
over the ship for you.
- [HORNS BLAST]
- Emily, I'm sorry. I really am.
- But I'll make it up to you.
- It's not your fault.
Marv told me you were
detained on business. Oh!
Oh, yeah. Lucky we had our
old pal Marv to take care of you.
He's not our old pal Marv.
He told me you
weren't coming at all.
I'll never forgive you
for lying to me last night.
I thought you were
something special.
Now I never want
to see you again.
Come on, Brian.
Ah, sir! Sir! Señor! Excuse me.
Could you tell me how
to find ... Baistraat?
Baistraat? No.
Well, I need...
pharmaceutical supplies.
Uh... pharmacy.
Uh... medical supplies.
- dr*gs?
- dr*gs?
dr*gs, right! I need dr*gs
for my friend on the ship.
See, I have money for
dr*gs. I need a lot of dr*gs...
Wait! Oh, no, sir!
No, no, no, no! Not...
[GOPHER COMPLAINS]
STUBING: We hope you enjoyed your stay
in Curaçao, Next stop, the Panama Canal,
Doc, Doc, Doc. Can I
see you for a minute?
Excuse me.
Isaac, how can you take me
away from such a beautiful sight?
- You'll see Curaçao again.
- I'm talking about the girls.
Doc, I didn't see Gopher
get back on the ship.
Relax. I'm sure he's around.
He's probably off moping somewhere
because I stole those judges from him.
[CHUCKLES]
Hi, kids.
Let... me... out of here!
I am an American
citizen and I'm innocent!
Help!
- I missed you.
- Oh, I missed you.
[EMILY GIGGLES]
Thank you for my present.
Julie, you gotta meet Brian.
Brian Litz, Julie McCoy.
- Julie, this is Brian.
- How do you do?
Marv told me you'd just
arrived. Did you enjoy Curaçao?
- Oh...
- It was great. Show her what we bought.
Careful.
- You're gonna lose your passport again.
- What?
Your passport. Marv told
me you lost it in St. Thomas.
Oh, right, right.
This is the new one.
- What's this?
- It's nothing.
It's a hotel bill.
You and Myrna?
Emily, believe
me, it was nothing.
So was this engagement ring.
- Give it to her and see if it fits.
- Emily!
Julie, talk to her. She doesn't
understand men are like that.
You're not a man.
Men have feelings.
That's what separates
them from animals.
- Beautiful, isn't it?
- Terrific.
You know, Carl, I feel so
comfortable with you, so relaxed.
I can't say I feel the
same way about you.
Oh?
Well, I mean, how
can I be relaxed...
when I've had this on my mind?
[THEY LAUGH]
Now I'm relaxed.
Well, I'm not.
Mm.
You're marvelous!
This is Captain Stubing.
Tell Gopher I want to see him.
What do you mean,
he hasn't reported back?
He must be aboard. Have
you checked his cabin?
Ah. Well, check
the judges' cabin.
You know how seriously
he takes his work.
- Vicki, have you seen my tie?
- Sure.
There you are. Ties,
handkerchiefs and belts.
Now that's the way things should be
done. When did you arrange all that?
- I didn't. Sheila did.
- Oh.
And she also lowered the hem on my
dress and gave me some manicuring hints.
You...
You like having
her here, don't you?
I think she's terrific.
Hello.
- And beautiful too.
- Am I too early for dinner?
A bit.
But it'll give us time
for a stroll on deck.
- Oh, that's good.
- Vicki?
I'll meet you later. I
have some things to do.
- OK.
- Bye-bye, dear.
- Bye-bye. Have a good time.
- Thank you.
SHEILA: Let me
help you tie your tie.
Doc's right, Isaac.
In my subconscious, I really
don't want to get married.
And you know what?
I'm not getting married.
- But what about Mary?
- She'll just have to face up to it.
If a man doesn't want to get married,
he doesn't have to get married,
and I don't want to get
married, so I'm not going to.
Hi.
Hi. I was just going to look for you.
There's something I want to tell you.
Oh, but wait, wait. First, there's
something I want to tell you.
Tom, I've been thinking about all
these years we've been engaged
and I've been wondering why
you'd want to marry an insane person.
Huh?
What are you talking
about? You're not insane.
Yes, I am.
Because if I weren't insane,
why would I want to marry a man
who doesn't want to marry me?
I've been waiting all these
years for you to marry me.
So what's going to be my
prize if we finally do get married?
My prize will be
that I'll be married
for the rest of my life...
to a man who didn't
want to marry me.
So... you're free now.
You can relax.
And goodbye.
Well? How did she take it?
What the hell does she mean,
she's not going to marry me?
I'll sue her for
breach of promise!
She promised to marry me.
She's gonna keep her promise!
- Do you really mean that?
- I do!
I do.
I do.
I do, I do, I do! [CHUCKLES]
I do.
You did it! Do it again.
I do!
Here come the judges.
Here come the judges!
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Come in, my darling.
- Thanks, sweetheart.
- What are you doing here?
I was expecting two
visitors, but not you two.
Doc, we're worried.
Gopher didn't make it back.
- You're kidding!
- She's not kidding.
The captain's calling all
the hospitals in Curaçao.
And the Consulate.
Well, I'm... sure
Gopher will be OK.
- We thought you should know.
- Yeah.
- Thanks for telling me.
- Sure.
OK.
Let me know the
minute you hear anything.
Sure.
Better be OK,
Gopher. You hear me?
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
I came early because we have a
long night of scoring ahead of us.
I can't believe I'm
saying this, but...
not tonight, Rina.
If you're in trouble,
Gopher... OK.
But if you're OK...
you're in trouble.
- You know, I just realized something.
- What?
I'm a hypocrite.
- I don't believe that.
- Yes.
Telling the kids they haven't known
each other long enough to get married.
How does that make
you a hypocrite?
Well, I've known you
a lot shorter time...
and Marion, dear Marion...
let's get married.
This is a wedding
cruise, isn't it?
- Yes.
- Am I moving too fast?
Not a bit.
You know, I still can't figure it.
No parents around to work on us.
Yeah, we haven't even seen
them since yesterday morning.
You know, without your father
around, I might need a refresher course
on what's wrong with you.
I wonder where they are?
I don't know, but wherever they
are, you can bet they're plotting.
Oh, yeah.
- Dad!
- Mom!
- Hi, kids.
- Hi.
Goodness!
I can't believe this. And
there you were, lecturing us!
Nice to have parents
you can look up to!
- Yeah. Come on.
- Oh, wait a minute. Listen.
- Just let us explain.
- Yeah, just hear us out.
- OK. This should be good.
- Yeah!
Well, remember what we said
about people not getting married
- in too much of a hurry?
- Well, we were wrong.
Very wrong.
What are you trying to tell us?
That your mother and I are
in love. We're getting married.
BOTH: Married?!
With the two of you,
right here on the ship.
- Oh, I can't believe this!
- You just met!
But we're in love. It just didn't
take us as long as you two.
Come on, Dad, you don't even know
her! She could be all wrong for you.
What is that? He could
be all wrong for her!
Mother, how can
you be so gullible
and let this man sweep
you off your feet like this?
Terry, I'm a grown woman!
- I don't like what you're implying!
- I'm not implying. It's obvious.
He knows she's at that vulnerable
age, and makes a pass at her.
Terry!
- You are a rotten judge of character!
- Ted!
Maybe I am a rotten judge of
character. That's why I picked you!
- Well, you can always change your mind!
- Consider it changed!
What...?
STUBING: All right,
passengers, this is it,
The Panama Canal, One
of the marvels of mankind,
On October th, ,
under President Theodore Roosevelt,
the United States and Panama
signed the Panama Canal Treaty,
Any word on Gopher, Merrill?
Not yet. Don't worry,
Adam. We'll find him.
I feel so guilty.
I am innocent! I did
not want to buy dr*gs.
Don't you understand that?
Doesn't anybody here speak English?
I speak English.
Miss. Uh... Tell them
I did not come here
to buy illegal dr*gs.
The ship's doctor sent me
to buy... medical supply dr*gs.
Tell them that.
I speak English.
I'm going back to my cell now.
I'd like to leave a wake-up
call for my th birthday.
STUBING: Ladies and gentlemen,
we are now approaching Gatun locks,
the first of the Panama
Canal's three sets of twin locks
which will raise and lower our ship
from the Atlantic to the Pacific oceans,
- Hi, there. It's just me.
- Hi, just you.
Isn't this incredible?
It's miles long and it takes us
eight hours to get all the way through it.
But it does save us over ,
miles going from ocean to ocean.
And last year they collected
over million dollars in tolls.
Oh, Emily. I guess this isn't
the time to talk about facts, is it?
Thanks anyway, Julie.
You're the only friend
I have left on this ship.
Well, at least now you
know that Marv lied to you
because he really
cares about you.
You know what's
really bothering me?
I don't understand it, but I'm
much sadder about losing Marv
than I am about losing Brian.
Well, how's this for
a simple explanation?
Maybe you love
Marv... and not Brian.
It's just a thought.
STUBING: Your Island Princess
has now been raised feet
as we continue our
southeasterly course
through this modern wonder of
American initiative and ingenuity,
We're now in Gatun Lake, a
manmade marvel almost miles long
that marks the halfway
point through the canal,
You know, it doesn't make sense.
A silly little argument
causing such a big bust-up.
Yes. I can't even
reason with him.
I never knew that kid of
mine could be so stubborn.
[LAUGHS] Well, Terry
isn't exactly Miss Flexible.
Do you know, if we hadn't
come along and fallen in love,
- none of this would have happened.
- Yeah I know.
But if we broke up,
that might be a way of
getting them back together.
Well, I've seen a lot of pictures
of this, but it doesn't do it justice.
- Pictures!
- Uh-huh.
Oh, no, I forgot my
camera! Be right back.
Hiya, kid. I've missed you.
I want you to come back, Sheila.
You're a lot better at fixing contests
than you are at fixing marriages.
Can't we just talk?
We really have
nothing to talk about.
Well, that's all right.
Some of the best moments we had
were spent just being
together, just being close.
We never had to say
that much to know how...
how we felt about
each other. Remember?
It was ten years of my life.
Remember?
You're not going to want to
hear this, baby, but I love you.
And I always will.
Larry.
Hi.
Is... this rail taken?
Well, I was... sort of
saving it for an old friend.
Oh, Marv. I owe you an apology.
- I know the whole story now.
- Emily, listen.
No, please. I doubted you
and I never should have.
- Emily...
- You're the most decent guy
- I've ever known in my entire life.
- Emily, please.
If you don't let me get this
out now, I may never get it out.
I love you.
I always have. Ever
since that day on the bike.
Oh, Marv.
I may not be getting
married this cruise...
but I've found the man I love.
Who says you're
not getting married?
- Emily, hi.
- Brian.
I just wanted to straighten you
out about that incident with Myrna.
It's all straightened out.
Marv and I are getting married.
Him?
[GUFFAWS]
Is this a joke?
Yeah, and here's the punchline.
Pretty funny, huh?
Pretty funny.
STUBING: We're nearing the
end of our journey through the canal
and we're approaching
the Miraflores locks,
In one hour, we will be docking
in Panama City for the night,
Hi.
Isn't Sheila with you?
Dad, can we talk?
About Sheila, I mean?
Sure.
She's... very
special, isn't she?
Yes.
The kind of person we should see
more of... maybe on a regular basis.
No.
Dad, I know you want
what's best for me,
but other things
are important too.
We both have to be happy.
What I mean is...
before you find the
right mother for me...
you first have to find
the right wife for you.
You know...
behind those beautiful
blue -year-old eyes...
lives a very wise
-year-old lady.
STUBING: Attention
all passengers,
The Island Princess leaves
Panama City in minutes,
- JULIE: Terry.
- Oh, hi.
Hi. I have a message
for you from your mother.
She was in a big hurry, so
I hope I've got this straight.
Oh, what's the message?
She said she was to blame
for everything that happened
and she hopes the two of you would
make up and have a beautiful wedding.
Where is she?
Oh, I just saw her
heading down the gangway.
She's getting off here in Panama
City and flying home alone.
- She wanted me to emphasize "alone."
- Oh, my gosh!
Hey, Ted, I've been
looking all over for you.
Your father told me to tell you that
you should definitely make up with Terry
and go ahead and get
married because he's all for it.
Really? Well, how come
he didn't tell me himself?
Oh, he's hurrying to get
off the ship to fly home.
He said it's all over between
him and Terry's mom.
- Oh, no!
- I don't think you'll catch him.
- It's too late.
- What do you mean?
The ship is sailing.
We missed them.
You must have come here
for the same reason I did.
- It's all our fault too.
- I know.
For acting like
a couple of kids.
Well... we sure messed
things up for them.
Yeah.
Ted...
I hope we didn't
mess things up for us.
Terry...
I love you.
Oh!
I love you.
Well, I guess we
blew it for our parents.
Who says you did?
- Wait! You're still here!
- Wait!
We're still here.
Sorry we had to be
so sneaky about this.
It didn't work when we
tried to break you up.
Thank goodness it worked when
we tried to get you back together.
All together.
I'll tell you what. You
invite us to your wedding
and we'll invite you to ours.
- Great!
- OK.
[ALL LAUGH]
Wonderful!
Mary. Mary, I'm sorry.
I mean, I'm not sorry about
just what happened on this ship.
I'm sorry about not having married
you the first time we were engaged.
Dr. Bricker said I couldn't say "I
do" because in my subconscious,
I really didn't
want to marry you.
I don't know what goes
on in my subconscious.
All I know is my conscious
loves you and always has.
Darling...
will you marry me tomorrow?
- [MOUTHS]
- What's the matter? What is that?
- [MOUTHS]
- All right, don't worry about it.
It's just your subconscious
having last-minute doubts.
Just like mine. Just like
mine. I tell you what we'll do.
We'll take your subconscious and
my subconscious on the honeymoon,
and by the time we get back,
they'll be just as much in love
as our consciouses are. OK?
OK.
Don't fight it.
Look, we're going to
get married this time,
and I'm not taking no for an
answer from either one of us.
[MOUTHS]
I can only tell you that all that can
be done is being done to find Gopher.
The government of
Curaçao is being most helpful,
but since it is an international
matter, there is considerable red tape.
Well, sir, I know that everything's
going to turn out fine. I just know it.
So, I want you all to try and hide your
personal feelings from the passengers,
especially the newlyweds-to-be. We
can't allow our problems to become theirs.
[CHUCKLES]
Gotcha!
Maybe tomorrow all
of us could play bingo.
[CHATTER]
Vicki, hi!
How are you?
- Shall we begin?
- Yes, please.
- [FANFARE]
- Ladies and gentlemen,
brides and grooms,
I know you're all anxious to find out
which couple has won the grand prize.
But first, a few words from our
peerless leader, Captain Merrill Stubing.
Thank you, Miss McCoy.
Thank you, almost-marrieds.
[LAUGHTER]
In the old days, the ship's captain
often performed the wedding ceremony.
- But not any longer.
- [DISMAYED GASPS]
However, by special
arrangement...
I will be officiating at
the ceremony tomorrow.
And now I'd like my
entire crew to join me
in an ancient sailor's
toast to the happy couples.
May your joys be as
deep as the ocean,
your sorrows as
light as its foam.
May the sunlight of love
ever brighten your lives...
and shine into your homes.
CROWD: Aww!
- Captain?
- Yes.
And now the big moment.
[MUSIC PLAYING, CHEERING]
And here to present
the grand prize
is the man who made it all
possible, Mr. Lawrence Evans.
[CHEERING]
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you!
Now, first of all, let me
say that you are all winners
in the very best
sense of the word.
[CHEERS]
And narrowing it down to one
winning couple was very, very difficult.
But, with the help of my judges,
I have evaluated their scores
and... come up with a winner.
[CHEERING]
I'm the only one in this
room at this moment
who knows who the
actual winning couple is.
The grand prize winner...
- of a new house... a new car...
- [AUDIENCE SQUEALS]
and $, in cash...
is the soon-to-be
Mr. and Mrs. Ed...
[THEY SHRIEK]
I'm sorry. I read that wrong.
It's Mr. and Mrs. Ted Lawrence!
[CHEERING]
Well. [CHUCKLES]
You're just full of
surprises, aren't you?
[CHUCKLES] I must
have lost my head.
I don't know. I mean, you just
can't count on people anymore.
I can't figure things out. It's like
the whole world is going crazy.
- Yeah.
- Even villains...
- aren't what they used to be.
- I'm sorry I confused you.
Oh... you certainly did!
Oh, Larry, life was
so simple yesterday.
We were just getting a
divorce, and that was that.
Well, it's still simple, kid.
We're in love, and that's that.
- That's not simple.
- Oh, it's simple, baby.
- I always knew I'd get you back.
- [GIGGLES]
You'll never get away from me.
- Never.
- I know.
I don't think I want to.
You got me, baby.
[THEY CHUCKLE]
You are a devil!
STUBING: Welcome to Acapulco,
And it's a beautiful
day for the weddings,
Best of luck, Ted. You
too, Dad. And, you know,
if you ever need a loan or you
want to borrow the new car...
[LAUGHTER]
- Is my tie straight?
- He's worried about his tie.
I'm worried if my
head's on straight.
Hey, what do you say
we play a trick on the girls?
- What kind of trick?
- Like not showing up for the ceremony.
- Are you crazy?
- No, desperate.
- Sir.
- Yes?
Still no word on Gopher.
Ah, Merrill, may I have permission to
leave the ship and go back to Curaçao?
- Me too, sir.
- Please, sir.
No. You'll have to stay on
board until we get to San Pedro.
We have a ship
full of passengers
- we're responsible for.
- Yes, sir.
Miss McCoy...
bring on the brides.
Yes, sir!
[THE BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYING]
This is a moment
we will all remember...
and cherish.
And as you exchange your
vows and declare your love,
we add our silent prayer for
the sanctity of your lives together.
Please join hands.
Repeat after me,
filling in your names...
- I, Terry Walker...
- I, Ted Lawrence...
take thee... ALL: take thee...
to be my lawful wedded spouse.
ALL: to be my lawful
wedded spouse.
- To love and respect...
- ALL: To love and respect...
- for richer or for poorer...
- ALL: for richer or for poorer...
- for better or for worse...
- ALL: for better or for worse...
- in sickness and in health...
- ALL: in sickness and in health...
for as long as
we both shall love.
ALL: for as long as
we both shall love.
- Amen.
- Amen.
And so by the
power vested in me,
I pronounce you husbands
and wives. You may all kiss.
[CHEERING]
Talk about the
power of suggestion!
[CHEERING]
I never did understand what
was going on with you four,
but I'm glad it all
has a happy ending.
Well, in addition to all the prizes,
we got a wonderful bonus out of this.
My father-in-law is
also my stepfather.
And my stepmother is
also my mother-in-law.
And my daughter-in-law
is also my stepdaughter.
And if we go on with this,
we'll never get off the ship.
[LAUGHTER]
- See you later.
- Bye-bye.
Ah, there you are.
Congratulations.
You know, you may not have
won that newlywed contest,
- but you're still my favorite couple.
- Oh, thank you, Isaac.
And do you know what's
good about getting married?
What?
Oh, I don't know. I
thought maybe you did.
I guess not.
- Nice talking to you.
- OK. Bye.
Bye.
Marv, Emily.
Sweetheart, I didn't have time
to get you an engagement ring,
but with Julie's help, your
wedding present is waiting.
- Where?
- Right there.
[GASPS] Marv!
I love it! [SQUEALS]
We're gonna take a little spin.
This is great!
- Thank you!
- JULIE: Bye-bye!
ISAAC: So long!
My plane leaves for Curaçao in an hour.
I'm not coming back till I find Gopher.
Please call as soon
as you find him.
- Don't worry, Doc, you can call collect.
- Yeah.
OK.
- Good luck.
- Good luck.
STUBING: Bye-bye.
Well, I have to hand
it to you, Mr. Evans.
I was worried you wouldn't pull
it off. Fifty brides and grooms!
I was worried too.
But only about the st.
Oh, Larry, I'll meet you
at the terminal, all right?
Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
Thanks for the best trip
I've ever had in my life.
- I have to go too.
- I loved being with you.
- Me too.
- Bye-bye, dear.
Bye-bye.
Um...
I'll never forget you,
Merrill. Do you know that?
If you did, I'd
never forgive you.
Hm.
You'll...
take care of yourself?
Mm-hm. Yes.
I'm... glad things are
working out for you and Larry.
- But if they...
- But if they don't...
Bye-bye.
Bye.
[TIRES SCREECH]
Gopher!
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
I'm coming home to my ship.
The one I never thought
I'd never see again
as I was rotting away in a
Curaçao jail. Thanks to you!
But thanks to the daughter of a
South American diplomat, I got out.
Well, why didn't you
tell me you were all right?
You had me worried to death.
Oh, Doc, I really made
you nervous, huh?
You're darn right!
Oh, well, I got you some
Curaçao dr*gs for your nerves.
Here. Take two of these
and call me in the morning.
Gopher!
Gopher!
[THEY SQUEAL]
Well, well, well. Can
I offer you two a lift?
- Sure.
- Yes.
OK.
Oh, watch out!
Vámonos,
- Gopher...
- They're just friends.
- Hey, Gopher...
- What?
You got room for me?
Hey... we're still
pals, aren't we?
Yeah, we're still pals. Heck!
[LAUGHTER]
And sometimes pals
do things to each other
that they later regret, right?
- Of course!
- Right.
And I'm sure as your
pal, I'll later regret this.
Go! Tell the captain I'm home.
Gopher, come back!
Come back!
[ALL LAUGH]
04x02 & 04x03 - The Family Plan/The Promoter/May the Best Man Win/Forever Engaged/The Judges: Part 1 & 2
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Set on the luxury passenger cruise ship MS Pacific Princess, and revolves around the ship's captain Merrill and a handful of his crew, with passengers played by guest actors for each episode, having romantic and humorous adventures along the way.
Set on the luxury passenger cruise ship MS Pacific Princess, and revolves around the ship's captain Merrill and a handful of his crew, with passengers played by guest actors for each episode, having romantic and humorous adventures along the way.