04x05 & 04x06 - The Mallory Quest/Julie, the Vamp/The Offer: Part 1 & 2

[bunniefuu]

[THEME TUNE STARTS]

♪ Love

♪ Exciting and new

♪ Come aboard

♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love

♪ Life's sweetest reward

♪ Let it flow

♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat

♪ Soon will be
making another run

♪ The Love Boat

♪ Promises
something for everyone

♪ Set a course for adventure

♪ Your mind on a new romance

♪ And love

♪ Won't hurt anymore

♪ It's an open smile

♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love

♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪

[STEELPAN BAND
PLAYING A CALYPSO]

[HORN HONKS]

[HORN HONKS]

JULIE: Hello. Welcome aboard.

Yes, through the
lobby and up the stairs.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi, welcome aboard. Hello.

- I'm Brian Mallory.
- Oh, welcome aboard, Mr. Mallory.

It's a pleasure to have such
a distinguished writer with us.

We have a lot of your
books in the library.

Yes, I should think so.

You certainly picked
the right cruise.

Two weeks, the Panama
Canal, the exotic Caribbean...

I read the brochure.
This is my wife, Janet.

How do you do? I'm Captain
Stubing. This is Yeoman Purser Smith.

- Dr. Bricker.
- Pleasure. If there's anything you need...

All arrivals board through
this entrance, don't they?

- That's right.
- Are you expecting someone? I'll...

- Pretty lady.
- He's a strange bird.

Hm, loved her, hated him.

Oh, my gosh! I don't believe it!

Julie! Hey, Julie, is that you?

Roger! Roger Markham. Hello.

Hi, how are you? Oh, this is my
fiancée, Maude Victor. Julie McCoy.

- Glad to meet you.
- How do you do?

- We went to college together.
- Oh.

I had no idea you worked here.
How long have you been doing this?

Hey look, do you see
anybody from the old g*ng?

Oh, Roger, Roger, I would love to
talk with you, but I'm kind of busy.

- I'd love to get together with you later.
- I bet you would.

Hi, how are you? Can
you tell me where the...?

Mr. Peter Andrews.

That's a pretty girl
he's traveling with.

He's traveling alone, Janet.

Do try to curb your
schoolgirl imagination, hm?

- Hi.
- Hello, I'm Marcia Rand.

Hello, yes, you're on the
Promenade Deck, cabin .

Thanks. This is Dave
Porter. Same address.

Well, hello. I'm Julie
McCoy your Cruise Director.

- Hi.
- I won these in some sort of a contest.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Is there a place to
work out on the ship?

Oh, come on! You're not
going to have time for that.

Just knock on the cabin
when the two weeks are over.

[LAUGHS]

Ah, Miss Marcia Rand.

Present with whomever.
He's unimportant.

And Mr. Marvin Jones.

Our group is now complete.

We will be at sea before they learn
that their free cruise does have a price.

- Hello, Merrill, Gopher.
- Charlie!

I didn't expect to see you
back vacationing so soon.

Well, it's not
exactly a vacation.

I have a sales meeting in Puerto Rico to
get ready for, plus an important mission

- to accomplish while I'm on board.
- [SHIP HORN BLARES]

- Sounds intriguing.
- Sir, time to boogie.

Oh, duty calls.
We'll talk later.

Oh, Gopher, try to find out
what his important mission is.

And see if she has a friend.

- He's quite a man.
- The best.

- Couldn't get along without him.
- You may have to.

If I have my way,
this Caribbean Cruise

will be Captain
Stubing's last voyage.

- You sent for me, Mr. Mallory?
- Two things.

In the future, would you
please instruct the bartender

to use freshly ground nutmeg
when I order a Ramos Fizz?

And secondly,
would you be so kind

as to deliver one box to each
of the persons on that list?

I'll see you in my cabin
when you're through.

- Which goes to who?
- "To whom does each go?"

MALLORY: But no
matter, they're identical.

And remember, not a word
as to "from whom" they came.

- Yes, sir.
- Remember, freshly ground nutmeg.

Do you have any papaya
juice and protein powder?

Afraid not. Closest I can come
is grapefruit juice in a dirty glass.

Give me a glass
of milk, skimmed.

Let me guess, struggling
young medical student?

Ha, yeah, close. Struggling,
previously young lawyer.

Oh, then why the medical books?

I'm donating a kidney
to my brother next month,

and I was reading
up on this procedure.

- Hey, that's really something.
- Yeah, sure sounds saintly, doesn't it?

But I got to admit, at times, I
get kind of chicken, you know?

The closer it gets, the more I
get attached to little George here.

You're actually going to
give away part of your body?

- Well, I'll still have the backup.
- But won't that leave a scar?

Ha! I guess so, unless
they put in a zipper!

He's going to be
scarred for life!

How's he gonna look when
he wears a bathing suit?

Beautiful.

- Oh, hey, Mr. Andrews.
- Yeah.

- I got something for you.
- Who's this from?

- I can't say.
- Oh?

- Mm-hm.
- Hm.

GOPHER: Wow!

[WHISTLES]

What's this? "Your cruise
ticket and this coin are my gifts.

An even more
generous prize awaits.

Come alone to the terrace
room midnight tonight."

- That's weird.
- I think it's kind of neat.

- Thanks.
- Intriguing.

Hey, you. What was in that
box you gave him? Was it pills?

That's personal business. If it doesn't
directly concern you, I don't see...

Everything about
that man concerns me.

Now, I want you to report to me
on everything he does. Everything.

- You don't have to give me money, ma'am.
- Money is no object.

A dollar , I can see that.

[DROPS COINS]

- I'll do what I can.
- Thank you.

Watch it! You're
standing in my sun!

- [GIGGLES]
- Oh, it's you.

Hey, you big old hunk.

What do you say you
and I go downstairs

in our little old cabin
and change for dinner?

But dinner isn't for
another three hours.

Well, why must we
wait for the last minute?

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Ooh!

Oh, Miss Rand, I'm glad I found
you. I have something for you.

- For me?
- Mm-hm.

- Look at this, it's a coin.
- Mm-hm.

- I think this is solid gold!
- It is.

- What do you mean giving my girl...?
- Hey, don't look at me.

I'm not even into bronze.

It's from whoever gave
us the cruise tickets.

It says there's a meeting
tonight, upper lounge, midnight.

So, this whole trip is
just to meet another guy?

No, no, it's nothing like that.

Come on, tiger, what do you say you
and I go down to our little old cabin?

Why don't you go down to
your "little old cabin" with him?

Mr. Jones! Sir. This is for you.

- Ah, thank you very much.
- Not at all.

Thank you very much.

- Ah, boy, this is lovely.
- There's a note.

- Oh.
- Yep.

So, that's it. I didn't win this trip.
It's a gift, obviously from an admirer.

- Some wealthy woman.
- Well, not quite.

Probably saw me at the bookstore
where I work, and admired me from afar,

and arranged for this
rendezvous, lusting for my body.

Right.

But my heart will not be
a bird in a gilded cage.

I won't sell my heart
for a rich woman's gold.

Whatever.

Off to the Caribbean
on a banana boat.

You know, Charlie,
you really are something.

You haven't stopped working
since you came on board.

Yeah, well, that's the price of
running a successful business.

How do you get
any time to enjoy it?

You know Charlie, you've
got a big organization.

Why don't you get someone
to help you with the load?

It's not that simple. The kind of
man I need is very difficult to find.

And then if I find him,
how do I interest him?

- Just give him what he wants.
- All right.

- What do you want?
- Me?

[LAUGHS] You're
kidding, Charlie.

Look, I'm a sailor. I don't
know anything about business.

I can teach you everything
there is to know in six months.

Grab it, Merrill. It's a good
management job with an unlimited future.

- You're wasting yourself here.
- No! It's not a waste. I like it.

It is a waste. I mean, worrying
about who's sitting at what table,

whether Mrs. Smith's
mattress is lumpy or not?

Come on, that's beneath you.

- Captain, Dr. Bricker's waiting for us.
- Thank you, Isaac.

I'm sorry Charlie, I
got a staff meeting.

I know what your salary
is. I'll triple your pay.

- You're joking?
- Plus stock options.

Come on, in five years, you and Vicki
will be set for the rest of your lives.

Think it over. New
York is an exciting city.

You and Vicki will love it. Here,
you look over our annual report.

I think you'll find
it very interesting.

Charlie comes on
pretty strong, doesn't he?

Yeah, sounds tempting.
Are you considering it?

No, I don't think so, Isaac.

Then would you put
in a good word for me?

After we go through the Panama
Canal, our first island is Aruba.

It's Dutch, has fantastic
beaches and casinos.

- That's great.
- On Palm Beach...

Well, well, well, you two certainly
spend a lot of time together, don't you?

Oh, we've only been
here a couple of minutes.

Yes, but you were waiting to
greet him when we got on board.

Waiting? I didn't even
know he was coming.

Yeah, and besides, that's her job.
She's a greeter, she greets everyone.

Oh, but not the way
she greeted you, Roger.

I saw the way you looked at
him, yearning, burning, longing.

What yearning, burning?
It was just a handshake.

To you, perhaps, Roger,

but a woman can see these
things for what they really are.

- Maude...
- Obviously, she was waiting

to renew the torrid romance
that you two shared in college.

Honey, I think this is
just your imagination.

- Julie's not interested in me.
- Oh, really?

- Not in the slightest.
- If I hadn't shown up now, Miss McCoy,

how long would it have taken you
before you invited Roger to your cabin?

- About a hundred years.
- I'll bet!

- Maude!
- Roger.

Look-it, Miss McCoy. This
man is mine, so if you will,

- please stay away from him.
- Maude!

Roger, let's go.

OK, Isaac, we'll pick up a
new supply of rum in San Juan.

That should last till we
get back to Los Angeles.

- No problem, sir.
- Next.

And about the antibiotics,

if we run out, we can pick
up some on one of the islands.

Good.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Captain... Captain.
- Captain.

Captain, sir, I'd like to make a
complaint about your Miss McCoy.

Well, what seems
to be the problem?

Well, she's trying to steal
my fiancé away from me.

She's a... a vamp.

She was pawing and
clawing him, right in the lobby.

Sir, she must be disciplined.

Ooh, very serious,
especially at sea.

I think the minimum sentence
for vamping is flogging.

I forget, Captain, does
that call for ten or lashes?

Hm...

Lashes? Oh, no, no. That's
not exactly what I had in mind.

Well, that's very decent of you, but
girls like that must be taught a lesson.

Yes, but none the less, Captain. I think
that a stern reprimand would be enough.

- I'll have a word with Miss McCoy.
- OK. Thank you, Captain.

- And you, too. Thank you.
- No problem.

- Vamping?
- [CHUCKLES]

The craziest thing I ever heard!

Julie would never
try to steal a man,

much less "climb all over
and claw and paw him."

Would she?

No, but it's not hopeless.
She's still young enough to learn.

Brian?

What are you up to?
Why all the mystery?

Years ago, as my secretary, you
had the good sense not to question me.

May I suggest you continue
this admirable quality?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hello.

The boxes are all
delivered, Mr. Mallory.

Except for this one,
to Mr. Burl Smith.

Right. Burl Smith.

- That's me.
- Precisely.

Why me?

Well, have you any idea what
this mysterious meeting is all about?

No, I guess we're in the
same boat. Uh, ship. Whatever.

She sent for you, too?

- GOPHER: And me.
- She wants three guys?

- She didn't send for you, he did.
- A "he"?

Well, give Romeo back his gold.

That broadminded I ain't.

Marvin, sit down.
It's not like that at all.

Oh, all of you, too, huh?

Well, I hope this meeting works, because
this is getting me a divorce, fellas,

and I'm not even married.

- Thanks!
- Good evening. I am Brian Mallory.

- The author?
- The same.

- This is my wife, Janet.
- Do you write, too?

- Well, once I...
- Another time, Janet.

I shall be brief.

I need your help in an urgent
quest for a missing man.

My nephew, and only living
relative, Mr. Thomas Mallory.

But you ask why would I
want you to find my nephew?

Well, it's quite simple, really.
I wouldn't recognize him.

I haven't seen the boy since he
was an infant, but all of you have.

Ah, I see you're
beginning to understand.

Tom Mallory?

Oh, yeah. I remember him. He used
to come into my bookstore all the time.

Aisle , comparative
religion. Yeah!

I don't think I've ever met...

You helped him settle
an insurance claim.

Tom Mallory?

Oh, I did help him
settle that claim.

He smashed up his ankle
real bad in an accident.

Tom Mallory! Wait! He lived in
the same apartment building I live in.

I used to meet him in the laundry room.
He moved out a few months ago, though.

Six months ago, to be exact.

As a matter of fact, he left to go
on a cruise aboard this very ship.

And I played chess with him.
He was limping on that bad ankle.

Seemed to enjoy the cruise,
took his mind off the limp.

But he never came back.

Do you think he just got off at one of
these islands and just stayed there?

Possibly.

But Mr. Mallory, after all this time,
that's a long shot looking for him now.

It's the only one I have, and it's
very important that I find my nephew.

Wouldn't a private
eye be better?

That would be a
worthless exercise.

Without a proper description,
he couldn't possibly help.

You see, you all know Tom,
you know some of his traits

and most importantly

the only photographs of
him are in your memories.

Well, it could be
worth a try. Huh?

Believe me, I shall
be deeply appreciative.

If the four of you can bring
me and my nephew together,

I am prepared to
pay you $,.

- $, apiece? [WHISTLES]
- Mm-hm.

I'm trying to remember
exactly what Tom looks like

so I'll be able to spot him.

You know, everybody has
something distinctive about him.

- What does Tom have?
- An uncle with a hundred grand.

- Yes, sir?
- Janet?

- No, thank you.
- A brandy, please.

You seem upset.

Why are you so insulting to
me in front of other people?

You make it so easy.

You've become so
rude and so unkind.

You're nicer to your
dog than you are to me.

Well, at least she listens
and does what she's told.

- Did you come up with anything?
- No, help me.

Think! Try to remember Tom.

It's been so long ago, I'd
have to check the picture again.

It would sure help if I had a photo to
remind me, but there weren't any pictures.

Picture? What picture?

The one of you and
him playing chess.

Remember? I was trying out my new
camera, and you made that dumb face.

Where is that picture?

I put it on the crew's bulletin
board. Or was it in the lounge?

- No, I think...
- Wait, wait a minute!

Where is it? Think!
Try to remember!

I really don't know why
I stay with you, Brian.

Well, if you're not happy,
you can always leave.

I beg your pardon?

I said you can always leave.

I see.

All right. I will.

I always do what I'm told.

I did put it on the
crew bulletin board.

I remember because I wanted
everyone to see that dumb face you made.

- And it's still there, right?
- The last time I looked.

Down in the corner,
with the red thumbtacks.

- Boy, you sure looked ridiculous.
- Mr. Mallory! Guess what? We just...

- Could we get the picture, please?
- Good idea.

I understand the
cruise is sold out.

The only place to
sleep is on deck.

- It can get awfully cold up there.
- Not nearly as cold as it is down here.

You can't be serious.

- If you expect me to beg you to stay...
- I don't!

I don't.

If there's one
thing I've learned,

it's never to expect
anything from Brian Mallory.

[DOOR SLAMS]

OK. Let's see.

[MUMBLING]

- What is it?
- It's a red thumbtack.

The picture was
here, and it was taken.

It's a little late to be
running away from home.

[CRIES]

As a doctor, I'd say that sniffle
is definitely not cold-related.

- You want to talk about it?
- No.

Oh.

Excuse me, Mrs.
Mallory, can I help?

I don't know what to do.

Do you think you might be
able to find me an empty cabin?

No, these Caribbean
cruises are always sold out.

Oh.

Well, I certainly
feel like a fool!

I can't go back. I won't.

Would you like to
stay in my cabin?

I know this is the Love
Boat, Doctor, but...

Oh no, no, I'll move
to the infirmary.

It's empty. Nobody's had
a chance to get seasick yet.

Well, why don't I stay there?

I'm sorry, but passengers have
to have a good medical reason.

Don't I have an
"in" with the doctor?

OK.

There's just one thing.

I'd be very grateful if you
wouldn't mention this to anyone.

Whatever we've said will
remain strictly confidential.

Thank you.

I'll check you into the infirmary as a
case of... "slightly running mascara."

- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- Hey. Come on!

Honey! I was waiting
for you up at the pool.

- I'm not in the mood.
- No?

Then just what are
you in the mood for?

I don't know what you want from me.
Do you think I'm some sort of a robot?

A robot?

You didn't get back here last
night till after one in the morning,

and then you
refused to discuss it.

Now suddenly you expect
me to be all lovey-dovey.

- Dave...
- I'm flesh and blood, you know.

I have feelings. I can't just turn
my emotions off and on like a faucet.

About last night, I just didn't think
we were supposed to discuss it.

- Oh, yeah, sure.
- All right, I'll tell you. Listen.

There were four of us that met
Brian Mallory, the writer, and his wife.

- Mm-hm.
- Come on.

Brian Mallory wants
us to find his nephew,

who is somewhere on these
islands that we're about to visit.

- That's why he sent us the tickets.
- That's all there is to it?

That's all there is to it.

Oh, you...

Why don't you and
I take a little siesta?

- Well, I'm not very tired.
- You will be!

- Hi, Dad.
- Oh hello, sweetheart.

- Got time to play some ping-pong?
- I'm afraid not, honey.

- Maybe you can find somebody else?
- I tried.

- There's not many kids on this trip.
- Well, maybe a little later.

OK. Bye.

Goodbye.

- [SIGHS]
- DOC: Merrill!

- I've got a little problem.
- Naturally.

Nothing serious. A passenger
tripped on the carpet in the lower lobby.

- Now she's making noises about suing.
- Was she hurt?

Sprain at worst.

I think she just
wanted a little attention.

Oh, one of those.

- Invite her to my table.
- I already did. Her name's Miss Lottie.

I'll split the time with you so you
won't be stuck with her all night.

- Oh, Doc?
- Yeah.

This Miss Lottie is lovely,
young and adorable, right?

Sorry, none of the above, or I
would have invited her to my table.

Captain Stubing, I understand
you're looking for me, sir.

Oh, yes. A passenger complained
that you were trying to steal her fiancé.

Ah, sir,

that is a guy that I knew very slightly
in college and it's really nothing.

Never the less, I don't want you
to see him for the rest of the cruise.

Otherwise, the penalty for vamping
on the high seas is lashes.

Oh, sir, if you catch me with
either one of them I deserve it.

- Captain!
- Now what?

Oh, hello, Charlie.

- Have you read our company report yet?
- No, not yet.

Oh, well, don't put it off.

I think you'll see exactly
what I meant when I said...

that's the job that
you should be in.

You know, I haven't
ordered for myself in years.

Well, then it's a celebration.
What would you like?

I don't know. I'll have
whatever you're having.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Whoever would believe it?
Little old me at the Captain's table!

But I'm telling you
right now, Captain,

I'm not calling this trip
complete until you dance with me.

I would be honored, Miss Lottie.

- But what about your ankle?
- My what?

Oh, my ankle. I'll manage. But
I won't be able to run very fast.

Oh, those epaulets are just
adorable! They're so shiny!

Oh, and you're the only
one who has four stripes.

Yes. I'm the Captain.

Uh-oh.

- I've got to go.
- A medical emergency?

Worse. The ship's still afloat,
but the Captain's sinking fast.

May I see you later?

Well, I don't think I
have a lot of choice.

You are my landlord.

- Mm. What a delicious dinner!
- Thank you.

Excuse me, I think I'll turn
in. Good night, everyone.

- Good night, sweetheart.
- Good night, darling.

- Good night.
- Night, night.

- Good night.
- Bye, bye.

- What a charming child!
- Thank you.

I just love children. Do you
have a family, Mr. Dillingham?

Oh, no. I don't.
I'm not married.

Well... a bachelor!

Hello, would you like to take a
little walk on deck, Miss Lottie?

Oh, I don't know.

I thought I'd just sit here and have
a nice little talk with Mr. Bachelor...

- Mr. Dillingham.
- That's all right.

I wouldn't want to keep
you from the moonlight.

You wouldn't? Well, all right, a
little walk, but no hanky-panky.

Neither hanky nor
panky, I promise.

- Then why on earth are we going?
- [FORCED LAUGHTER]

- Remember, Captain, save me a dance.
- I will.

And I'll see you later, Mr. D.

Oh, Hi, Mr. Andrews.
How are the kidneys?

Just great, Isaac.

Excuse me, did I just hear you
ask him how his kidneys were?

- Uh, yeah.
- What did he say?

Uh, he said that
they were great.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

- Both of them?
- Mm-hm.

Thanks.

You get a lot of Miss Lotties
here, don't you, Merrill?

Don't say it, Charlie.

You know, here,
you're a den mother,

a glorified babysitter
for children.

This is no challenge
to a man of your ability.

It's not so bad, Charlie. It's
like second nature to me now.

- I've been doing it for so many years.
- That's why now it's time for a change.

And I haven't even
mentioned the money aspect.

I mean, you want to give
Vicki every opportunity.

Did you ever stop to think of how
much a college education costs today?

Oh, ,, , a year.

Maybe , to graduate.

No, you're off by half.

And by the time Vicki's ready,
it's going to be a lot more.

Maybe $,, $,.
Will you be ready for that?

,?

Merrill, for your own good,

for Vicki's good, you can't
afford to turn me down.

[BAND PLAYING ROMANTIC MELODY]

[BAND STOPS PLAYING]

You know, that's the first
time I've danced in years.

Well, I guarantee you won't
have to wait that long again.

I think you ought to specialize
in curing runny mascara cases.

[LAUGHS]

- Oh, it's been a wonderful day.
- Yeah.

You've been wonderful.

Do you think we
could go a bit slowly?

This is kind of new for me.

There's something
I want you to know.

I think you're very special.

Thank you.

I haven't felt special
for a very long time.

- We're going to change all that.
- It may take a while.

Us "wonderful" people
are always patient.

Don't be too patient.

[SHIP'S HORN BLASTS]

STUBING: This is MV Island Princess
calling Panama Canal control center.

Request permission
to enter Miraflores Lock.

CONTROLLER: This is Miraflores
Lock control center, to MV Island Princess.

Permission granted.

Stand by to take pilot crew aboard
to receive lines from locomotives.

Enter left lock.

We have visual contact with you.

STUBING: Roger, from MV
Island Princess. Entering left lock.

CONTROLLER: Miraflores
control confirming left lock gate

now being opened to receive you.

[OVER PA] Attention all passengers.
This is Assistant Purser Burl Smith.

We now begin our -mile passage through
the Panama Canal to the Atlantic Ocean.

The ship will proceed
under its own power,

with steel cables from those six
locomotives keeping us centered

while going through the locks.

We hope you enjoy your trip
through the Panama Canal,

one of the true wonders
of the modern world.

When it was completed in ,
this incredible path between the seas

represented the
largest, costliest creation

ever before attempted
in the history of man.

The canal cost over $ million a
mile and took a half century to complete,

during which time ,
workers removed enough earth

to fill a freight train
, miles long.

It changed global
politics forever.

In its building, a new
nation, Panama, was born,

and the United States was
established as a true world power.

Over million gallons of water are
required to raise and lower our ship

in the six locks, three
at each end of the canal.

The water enters the lock
through pipes feet wide

after the gate is
closed behind us.

It will cost the Island Princess a tolling
fee of almost $, to use the canal,

but it saves more than ten
times that amount in fuel alone,

plus , miles
of stormy sailing.

I've got to back up...

- Oh, excuse me! Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Look what you're doing!
- It was an accident.

- You sure you're OK?
- Look, let's have it.

You've been breathing down my neck
ever since I got on board. Who are you?

I'm Sharon Patrick. I'm
engaged to your brother.

- The one who's getting your kidney?
- Yeah, I know who he is.

But he didn't say anything
to me about getting married.

Well, he wanted to keep the engagement
quiet till the operation was over.

Anyway, he sort of suggested
I come along to keep an eye...

Make sure I didn't
welch on the deal.

Ha! Just like good old Blake!

Look, I know you two aren't very close,
but Blake is really a wonderful person.

- So, you're here to babysit my kidneys.
- No, just the left one.

Well, you've got nothing to
worry about. George is just fine.

- He'll make it to the church on time.
- George?

Yeah, that's what I named
my kidney, the loaner.

That's a nice name.

I have an Uncle George. He's
a wholesale jeweler in Tustin.

Well, I didn't name it after him. All
my giblets are completely fictional.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to toast the big
ditch with an ice-cold beer.

Wait a minute. Wouldn't
you rather have some fruit?

I think a banana
would be real good.

My dear, you cannot toast a
wonder of the world with a banana.

But you mustn't drink.
Blake doesn't like beer.

He doesn't? Well, George does.

And you might as well know something
else. He also likes double martinis.

So, you just might have to put up
with the hiccups on your wedding night.

I'm going with you. I have a
right. I am engaged to part of you.

GOPHER: Water entering the three
locks on the Pacific end of the canal

has now raised our ship feet above
sea level and brings us to Gatun Lake.

Most people think of the canal as only a
long ditch and are surprised to discover

that the mile center section
is actually a giant freshwater lake,

one of the largest manmade
bodies of water in the world.

On the port side right now we
are passing a Russian freighter,

one of the , ships
which use the canal every year.

This continuing
commerce is a memorial

to the , workers who lost their
lives to make the big ditch a reality.

I wish I could enjoy it more,
but I gotta get back to work.

OK.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

Hi. I just came to get
the rest of my things.

Help yourself.

Would I be too inquisitive if I
were to ask where you're staying?

Or shall I just hazard a guess as
to whose quarters you're sharing?

I didn't think it mattered.

I didn't think anything about
me mattered to you, Brian.

Let's just say that it
offends me, you know?

Good! That gives me
an added incentive.

Janet! You are behaving
like a common tart.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

What's wrong?

Hold me, Adam.

What happened?

Please, I want to be with you.

Janet, what happened?

No questions.

Brian!

Make love to me.

- I thought you wanted me.
- I do, but not like this.

You're here for
the wrong reason.

Yes, I want you.

But for me, not because
you want to hurt your husband.

Yes.

Here's the way we
usually go, you guys.

Following the coast along
here and then up this way.

- Till we put in...
- Sorry to have kept you all waiting.

Excuse me.

Well, tomorrow, our
first island, Aruba.

The town of Oranjestad.

Fortunately, the annual street festival
is scheduled. Everyone will attend.

If Tom is on the island,
chances are he'll be there.

Will you and Mrs.
Mallory go with us?

I'll be there. Good night.

Good night.

- Aruba! I've got a feeling he's there.
- Guess we'll know tomorrow.

Well, the search begins.

JULIE: [OVER PA] Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to Aruba.

We will disembark
passengers in minutes.

[STEELPAN BAND PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE]

[INAUDIBLE]

Bring me all the information
you can find about Tom.

I'll set up headquarters
in that café. Good hunting.

The people in this parade,
they're all local residents.

- Yeah?
- He could be one of them.

- I'm gonna take a look.
- Wait a minute.

I think I can find him.

Tom!

Oh, Thomas Mallory!
Your uncle's looking for you!

Tom! It's me, Marvin,
from the bookstore.

Oh, Tom Mallory!

Where are you, man?

Come on, Tom!

[INAUDIBLE]

Tom! Where are you, man?

Tom! Is that you?
What you doing?

Tom!

- Interesting custom, eh?
- Oh, yeah.

- We take great pride in our festival.
- You live here, then?

From time to time. I
travel all the islands.

Maybe you could help me. I'm looking
for a guy, a man named Tom Mallory.

Mallory? Mallory? No.
I don't recall the name.

- Could you describe him?
- Uh, well...

- He's got...
- OK, we've got a lead.

- Let's go back to Mallory.
- Great. Marvin!

Marvin! Come back,
we got something.

Thank you very much.

Uh-oh.

- Let's find another place, huh?
- OK.

But I don't think it would matter
to Brian, one way or the other.

Mr. Mallory, I think we're
on to something here.

You see, Tom had always
talked about joining the Church,

so just on a hunch, we went
and talked to the local priest.

He says that Tom has been here. In fact,
the priest was holding a note for him.

- Saying what?
- Something about going to Martinique.

- Martinique's our next stop.
- Hey, so what's happening?

We can head back to the ship,
then. Seems we're on the trail.

[MUSIC CONTINUING]

JULIE: [OVER PA]
Attention, all passengers.

Our next stop will be at : am
tomorrow at the port of Martinique.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Yes?

- I came in to say good night.
- Good night!

I love you.

You've been looking
awful worried lately.

Can I help?

You know there isn't anything in the
whole wide world I wouldn't do for you.

Thank you, dear. There isn't
anything I wouldn't do for you, too.

- There's no problem.
- Good.

- Good night.
- Good night.

[DOOR SHUTS]

Martinique is a very big island. Where
do you suppose we should start to look?

I don't know.

Remember that priest said
something that sounded like "pilot."

Maybe Tom's at the airport.

- Hey, is Tarzan around tonight?
- [CHUCKLES] No.

- Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
- Yeah.

- Good night.
- I'll see you later.

See you later.

Good evening.

Oh, good evening! You gonna be
with us now for the rest of the cruise?

Oh, possibly. Any luck in finding
your friend, Mr... What is it, Miller?

No, it's Mallory. No,
all we have is some...

Pilot!

Here's a village called Pilote.

Case Pilote.

I'll bet you that's where Tom is! I
think I've just cracked this case.

Hm?

Wait till I lay that on my
friends in the morning.

Oh, um...

You won't tell them
anything, will you?

- No, not a word.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, hi. I was just on my
way to see you. Are you busy?

I just made my last call of
the day. He said, hopefully.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Have you got a minute?
- Sure.

- Adam, mind if I get personal?
- Not at all.

OK. You're an able man,
sensible, a good doctor.

What the heck are you
doing on the Love Boat?

Ooh! That's a loaded question.

Well, I don't think I'd give
this answer to anyone else.

But, to be honest, I kind
of bombed out on shore.

Not professionally,
but in my personal life.

So, I guess I came aboard
to escape involvement,

and once I tried it, I liked it.

Do you miss being a
successful Beverly Hills doctor?

I can't answer that.

But, you see, at the time I wasn't
looking for that kind of success.

I was looking for something more
important. I was looking for me.

And?

- I don't think I've found him yet.
- That's pretty honest.

Well, I think you're
asking for honesty.

But if you bring any of
this up tomorrow, I'll deny it.

[CHUCKLES]

So, that's my story.

Now, why are you asking?

I've had an offer...
for a lot of money.

- Yeah, Charlie Dillingham.
- How did you know that?

Isaac told me. And...?

A year ago, I wouldn't even have
considered it, but now with Vicki...

I know, the responsibility...

Apart from the money, it
would mean a normal home,

a chance for me to give
Vicki my undivided attention,

to give her the best schools,
the best of everything.

Not to mention the fact of
the excitement of New York.

That's some package! Hey,
how'd you like to adopt me?

On the other
hand, I love the sea,

being with the
passengers, pleasing them.

This may sound corny, but I
enjoy making people happy.

- Well, you got a problem.
- Any suggestions?

No, but I'm with you,
any way you decide.

Thanks. Adam...

In case I haven't told you
before, I really like you.

That's perfectly understandable.

You know, you're right, Pete. Tom never
mentioned to me that he had an uncle.

Hm?

- PETE: Maybe they had a family argument?
- Yeah.

- May I talk to you a minute, please?
- Yes.

- Excuse me.
- It's OK.

- Excuse me.
- Sure.

Ow!

- Why are you hanging around that guy?
- I'm not ha...

No, no, Pete is looking
for Mallory's nephew, too.

He's just got some
great ideas, that's all.

- I'll bet he has!
- No, it's not like that.

Don't be so silly. Go
lift something, huh?

Something heavy, OK?

Boy, I sure hope we have
some luck in Martinique tomorrow.

- Just stick with me. We'll wrap it up.
- Well, I hope so.

- [CREAKING]
- Hey, watch out!

- Are you all right?
- Relax, I'm fine.

- But Gopher almost got hit.
- I'd better take him inside.

I worry about him.

He's giving his left kidney to
my fiancé before we get married.

Wow! What a wedding present!

Wouldn't it be easier if you
just check the silver pattern?

Are you all right?

Huh?

I guess things like this are falling
all over the ship all the time, huh?

Not on this ship. Never.

- Never?
- MAN: Young man!

You people really
should be more careful.

That sort of thing can
be very, very dangerous.

Julie, hi.

Oh, hi, Roger.

Listen, I'm sorry about what
happened with Maude and the Captain.

Probably was a little tacky, but she's
very nice, once you get to know her.

- Well, she has a vivid imagination.
- Yes! She really...

You know, I'd like for us to sit
down, the three of us, and just talk.

- You'll see, you'll like her.
- I really don't think so, Roger.

Please, Julie, for
old times' sake.

- OK.
- You're an angel!

JULIE: [OVER PA]
Welcome to Martinique.

Grand tours will be leaving from the
Coral Deck gangway in one half hour.

The French island of Martinique.
It's the largest of the Windward Isles.

The land of the beguine,
which is more than just a dance.

It's a way of life.

GOPHER: I appreciate you coming, Isaac.
I didn't know you could speak French.

ISAAC: Sure. I'm more
than just a pretty face.

GOPHER: Well, when we get there,
Marvin, look for Tom on the beach front.

MARVIN: You got it.

GOPHER: Pete, you and
Marcia check the side streets.

Isaac and I will do
the marketplace.

If he's anywhere in
Case Pilote, we'll find him.

[INAUDIBLE]

[INAUDIBLE]

[INAUDIBLE]

- Bien, bien. Merci beaucoup.
- Merci beaucoup.

You're with Mr. Lucky today!

- He says he knows where he is!
- All right! Mr. Mallory.

Go with him.

The way I got it figured, he's
probably got himself a little house here

and he's probably living it
up real good, don't you think?

"Living it up?"

[IN FRENCH] The grave is there.

GOPHER: Oh, I'm
sorry, Mr. Mallory.

It could be my brother, not Tom.

He lived somewhere
in the Caribbean,

but to be certain, we'll have to find
out just whose body is in that grave.

Well, I... Maybe
there's another grave.

I mean I hope not,
but... I'll check it out.

Hello.

- Good afternoon.
- Hello.

Are you enjoying
yourself on the island?

- What are you doing here?
- I'm here on business.

- Business?
- Yes. Let me introduce myself.

I'm Lucius Kirgo,
mortuary supplies.

- At your service.
- I hope not.

Mr. Mallory! Mr. Mallory!

Will you please excuse me? I...

- I think we hit pay dirt.
- So did we.

But we think Tom is under it.

No, that is Tom's father. This
lady used to be his housekeeper.

She said that Tom was here, but only
to pick up the box his father left him.

- What was in it?
- It was locked. There was no key.

- Do you know where Tom went from here?
- No, I don't.

Pete and Marvin are still checking
around, but nobody seems to know.

Tell you something, man, I
am tired and it's hot. Whoo!

[BOTH GROAN]

Hey, look!

- What?
- "Serrurier."

That's a French
word for "locksmith!"

If Tom had a box without
a key, where would he go?

I don't know. Maybe that
guy would know something.

[IN BROKEN FRENCH] Excuse
me. Is this the locksmith shop?

Don't tell me, two years'
high-school French, am I right?

- Is the shop open?
- It's closed.

- But the sign says it's open.
- The sign also says "Pierre."

He's been dead for years!

- So there is no locksmith here?
- Of course there's a locksmith.

Why would there be a locksmith's
shop if there wasn't any locksmith?

- Well, where is he?
- C'est moi.

You, you're the locksmith?

- [IN FRENCH] I swear.
- Listen, can we go inside and talk?

- Impossible.
- Why's that?

[LAUGHING] The door is
locked and I lost the key.

But you're the locksmith.
Can't you make another one?

- How can I get inside to make one?
- Let me ask you this.

About six months ago, did a man named
Mallory ask you to make a key for a box?

The kind of box he's in,
he doesn't need a key.

No, we don't mean that Mallory.
We mean his son, Tom Mallory.

Oh, Tom, yes. Nice boy.
Yeah, I made a key for him.

Can you tell us where
Tom went when he left here?

- Yeah.
- Where'd he go?

That's west. Where'd he
go? Central America, Mexico?

- Next door, to use the phone.
- Who did he call?

Do I look like a man
who would eavesdrop?

- He made an appointment.
- With who?

With someone at the
Bluebeard Hotel in St. Thomas.

Hey, that's great.
How can we thank you?

Send me a locksmith.

Listen, tell the others
Tom went on to St. Thomas.

I'm going to hang around a while.
I'll get back to the ship on my own.

- What are you going to do?
- I'm gonna ask a few more questions.

Things don't quite add
up. Talk to you later.

JULIE: [OVER PA] We hope you
enjoyed your visit to Martinique.

We'll be arriving in St. Thomas
at ten o'clock tomorrow morning.

- Hi, Mr. Dillingham.
- Hey, hi there!

Oh, now, let me guess. I'd say
that's a souvenir from Martinique.

It's a French sailor's
hat. Isn't it neat?

- Yeah, it's nice. I like it.
- Martinique was sure fun.

Well, it's a great island to visit,
but for living, I'll still take Manhattan.

- You live in New York?
- Yeah.

- Do you think you'd like it there?
- Are you kidding?

- That would be the end!
- Well, how do you like the new uniform?

Trés chic!

You know something?

Maybe you ought to continue
our conversation with your father.

- I'll see you later, Merrill.
- Right, Charlie.

- What did he mean by that?
- I don't know.

Well, what were you
two talking about?

He just asked me how
I'd like to live in New York.

Oh?

- And what did you tell him?
- I told him it'd be great.

What's so great about it?

The parks and the zoos and the
Statue of Liberty and the taxis...

- And subways and crowds and noise.
- That too! It'd be super!

[PIANO PLAYING SOFTLY]

- What are you drinking?
- STP.

- STP?
- Shirley Temple with Perrier.

Whenever I'm on a
case, I really hit the stuff.

- It's that guy again.
- Who?

The guy over there in the hat.
He's showing up everywhere we go.

- Like where?
- Like last night on the deck,

when I almost conked my head.

That stuff did not
fall by accident.

- The rope was cut with a knife.
- Wow!

- Has anyone seen Pete?
- MARVIN: No.

- He's got to be around here somewhere.
- No, he isn't.

Something's happened. Nobody's seen
him since he went ashore in Martinique.

- He hasn't come back!
- Wow! I was the last one to see him.

Better make that a double.

Tomorrow we stop at St Thomas.

I wonder which one of us is
gonna be the next to disappear.

Janet.

Please don't go. I...
I want to apologize.

What I did the other night
was completely uncalled for.

An apology from Brian Mallory!

Yes, yes.

You see, my brother and I, we...

I never gave the slightest
effort to that relationship, either.

Somehow, other things
were always too important.

Now, when it's too late, I...

I feel a sense of loss.

Perhaps I'm learning.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know
that, whatever you decide, I wish you well.

This is a photograph of Tom. I
took it from the ship's bulletin board.

- Why?
- To hurt you.

I wanted to get even. Preventing you
from finding Tom was the only way I had.

I hope the picture helps, Brian.

Thank you.

I'm sincerely sorry.

JULIE: [OVER PA]
Ladies and gentleman,

welcome to the beautiful
island of St. Thomas.

Our shopping tour will leave
from the gangway in minutes.

- It's awfully pretty, isn't it?
- Yeah.

I want to take it all in.

My last look.

Oh.

Well, does that mean
that you've decided?

That's right, Charlie.
This is my last trip.

- After this, I'm all yours.
- I'm happy, Merrill.

GOPHER: Did you guys know that the
city of Charlotte Amalie in St. Thomas

was the home port in the
Virgin Islands for pirates

like Captain Kidd and Bluebeard?

MARVIN: Oh, yeah? Why do
they call them the Virgin Islands?

GOPHER: They were named by Sir Francis
Drake after Elizabeth, the Virgin Queen.

MALLORY: I hope that locksmith
in Martinique wasn't mistaken,

and that Tom did indeed make a
rendezvous here at Bluebeard's Castle.

Thanks. Ooh,
Bluebeard's Castle, huh?

What a lovely place! I wonder
who Tom was meeting here.

Had to be some chick.
Cherchez la femme!

Hey, you guys.

Someone else has been looking for
Tom Mallory. He's in the Patio restaurant.

- I say we go check him out.
- You sure it wasn't some chick?

I'll bet you it's that little fat guy
that's been following us around.

Come on. This guy knows.

Will you lead us
to him? Thank you.

- A dollar, right? Yes.
- Yes.

- This guy here?
- That's the one.

- It's Pete!
- Hey.

- How'd you get here?
- I had to catch a plane.

I stayed too long in Case Pilote and
missed the boat. I sent a message.

- Have you discovered anything?
- Yes. Tom did meet someone here.

- The waitress remembered.
- MARVIN: A waitress!

- I knew it had to be some chick.
- Wait a minute. It's not...

So it was you, huh, gypsy?

Same old story, young
innocent boy from a good family

blinded by the shapely charms
of a tropical savage maiden!

- Marvin!
- Marvin.

Marvin.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Here's the gentleman she told me
to look for, the man who met Tom.

Father Briorly, this
is Miss Marcia Rand.

- How do you do?
- Marvin Jones.

Mr. Burl Smith. And
this is Mr. Brian Mallory.

- You did see Tom?
- Oh, my, yes. I knew him in the States.

He wanted my assistance.
He joined the Church.

- Yes, he's a serving brother.
- Could you tell us where he is?

- He's gone on to Puerto Rico.
- Can you tell us anything further?

- Um...
- Father Briorly hasn't seen him since.

Really, I must go.

I just wanted to meet you to tell
you what a blessing young Tom is.

- Thank you, Father, you certainly did.
- Well, goodbye, all.

- Bye, Father. Thanks again.
- Bye, Father.

Well, at least it's
a good start, huh?

I suppose we just
go on to Puerto Rico.

Oh, Father! Father,
are you going into town?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

Would you mind terribly if I
shared the taxi cab with you?

- It would be a pleasure.
- Oh, please.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

OK, Pete, something else
is going on here, now give.

Yeah.

OK. Father Briorly did tell me
exactly where Tom is in Puerto Rico,

but I just don't want anybody
else to know right now.

Well, excuse us! You
mean, except Mr. Mallory?

I mean especially Mr. Mallory.

Huh?

[BAND PLAYING ROMANTIC JAZZ]

- Hi, have you seen my dad?
- No, Vicki, I haven't seen him all day.

Me neither. He's been
acting kind of funny all week.

Well, he's got a very
big decision to make.

- Decision? What decision?
- He hasn't told you?

- Well, I don't think that I should.
- Isaac, please?

He's been offered a big job in New
York, and I think it's too good to pass up.

Maude, I've been
looking all over for you.

Oh, really? I'm surprised
you found the time.

What's going on here? You
haven't talked to me all day today.

I saw you in the lobby
coming on to Julie.

I wasn't coming on to her. I
just kissed her on the cheek.

Oh, guess I didn't hang around
long enough to see the rest.

- Did she drag you down to her cabin?
- Believe me!

- You've got Julie all wrong.
- Roger, Julie is in love with you.

She was just being
nice. She is a nice girl.

"Nice." If she's that nice, why don't
you spend the rest of the trip with her?

Maude... Maude!

Can I have a bottle
of Scotch, please?

I won't need a
glass, just a straw.

Pete?

Oh, hi.

I just wanted to tell you
again, I'm glad you're all right.

Well, you can relax, because
old George is just fine.

I didn't mean just that! I was
worried about you, all of you.

Thanks.

It was really nice of you to let
me hang around the whole cruise.

I... I had a good time.

And I'm also glad that part
of you will always be with me.

- You know?
- Yeah, so am I.

My brother's a lucky guy.

Well...

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Uh...
- Yes?

Pleasant dreams.

[DEEP SIGH] Beautiful
evening, isn't it?

The last time I saw a moon
that color was our wedding night.

JANET: I can't believe my ears!

That's twice in one day. This
morning, you apologize to me.

Tonight, you've remembered
our wedding night.

- What's happened to you, Brian?
- Must be the Tropics.

Perhaps too much sun?

You ought to try it more often.

What's the point?
It's a bit late, anyway.

Good night.

Um... Hello?

Hello.

- It's a beautiful night, isn't it?
- Yes, I've heard.

- He still loves you.
- No.

No, I think it's over.

Well, your relationship
with the old Brian is over,

but unless my
intuition is wrong,

I think you kind of
like that new fellow.

He is different.

And you've changed, too.

- Give it a chance.
- Adam...

Now, listen to your
wise old doctor.

You're a lovely man.

Good night... and thank you.

Anytime.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Mm-hm? Just a minute.

- [KNOCKING]
- Who is it?

Who is it?

Roger?

Roger, what are you doing here?

- Maude threw me out.
- Uh-huh.

The engagement
is over, finished...

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]...kaput!

I'll never have a family. I
wanted to have children.

I wanted ten of them, all
boys! I'll never have them now.

Sure you will.
She'll get over it.

No, I've lost my last
chance for a marriage.

Oh, that's not so. There are plenty
of girls who'd be thrilled to have you.

You're an attractive,
exciting man.

- Aw, come on!
- Sure you are.

- You really think so?
- Absolutely.

- Fabulous!
- Roger!

What are you doing?

Roger, you can't stay here.

Roger.

Roger...

- Roger.
- Huh?

Roger. Come on, it's me, Julie.

Come on, you've
got to get out of here.

Julie?

Well, you little devil!

Hi.

Oh, hi. Kind of
early for you, isn't it?

- Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Sure.

Have you decided about
us going to live in New York?

How did you find out about that?

The same way you
usually find out about me.

Hm. Well, I'm pretty sure.

Seems like a good
move... I think.

Well, if you're not % sure,
there's something I'd like to say.

OK, sh**t.

I know you worry
about me and my future,

but I want you to know
I worry about you, too.

Vicki, I love you.

The way I see it, I'm not
always going to be a kid.

Someday, I'm going to grow up and have
to choose the kind of life that I'd like.

But right now,
you're the grown-up,

so it's more important that you
choose the kind of life that you'd like.

I hope I said that right.

You said it perfectly.

Mr. Mallory, we'd like
to make a deal with you.

- We know where Tom is in Puerto Rico.
- I see.

And you wish to sell this information
for more than the agreed amount, hm?

No, not sell, swap for a straight
answer. Why are you looking for Tom?

- As I told you.
- Straight.

Very well.

My brother was holding an
extremely valuable pendant.

A family heirloom.

It was supposed to be passed
on to the eldest surviving Mallory.

I knew he was in failing health.

I hoped that by following
young Tom, I would also find him.

And I did, but... too late.

- And he gave it to his son?
- Yes, I'm sure it's in that box.

- But why would he do that?
- Spite, senility, whatever.

I feel certain that, when the
situation is explained to Tom,

he will recognize
my rightful claim.

You weren't really interested
in Tom at all, just his legacy?

To be honest, yes.

At first.

Where is he?

OK, we'll take you to
him, on one condition.

It will be Tom's decision whether
or not to return the pendant.

Agreed.

- Hi.
- Roger!

Roger, what are you doing here?

- You can't stay here.
- Oh, sure I can.

- It's OK. We're going to be married.
- No, Roger, I'm not going to marry you.

Listen, I know that you're
a very modern woman,

but we've got to think
about the children.

- Roger, about last night...
- Listen, now...

It's a little embarrassing. I'm not
real clear on what happened last night.

But I know it had to be great!

Julie, it's you and me,
together through eternity.

[CHUCKLES]

- No, Roger...
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Here's the rest of your things.

I hope you're satisfied.

Satisfied? Now
that I've lost him?

Lost him?

Oh, you were too smart for
me, right from the beginning.

You saw that I was
yearning and burning,

clawing and pawing, desperate
for him, an animal crazed with lust.

You were right, I
vamped him shamelessly,

but still he clung to you.

Now, last night was my final
chance. He'd been drinking.

I pulled him in here,
locked the door.

But he fought like a
tiger, he scratched and bit!

- Bit?
- Bit!

He ran from me, saying
he wasn't that kind of a boy.

I hit him with a lamp, threw
him on the bed, tore off his...

- Then what?
- Yeah! Then what?

Nothing.

He just kept saying
your name, over and over.

"Maude! Maude!" I stuffed a pillow in
his mouth, and he still kept saying it!

[MUFFLED] "Maude! Maude!"

I spent the night
on the floor alone.

And that's when I knew...

I'd lost him forever.

- But I...
- The best woman won.

Sorry, Julie. Some of us
have it and some of us don't.

STUBING: [OVER PA] Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to Puerto Rico.

Passengers will be
disembarking in minutes.

Attention all passengers
leaving this ship here in San Juan.

Please bring your Customs
declarations to the carousel lounge.

MALLORY: You say you spoke
to Tom. Is he expecting us?

PETE: Yeah, that's right.
He's all alone at the mission.

MALLORY: Perfect, we can have a
nice long talk without any interruptions.

LUCIUS: Follow that
blue van. Not too closely.

Whatever you do, don't
lose him, understand?

PETE: Well, here we are at the
Monastery of the Brothers of Saint Stephen.

MALLORY: It's certainly
an imposing structure.

PETE: It's part
of the old fortress.

MARCIA: Wow! It's built
even bigger than you, Dave.

PETE: Tom said he'd leave the lower gate
open. He's waiting for us at the chapel.

- Did you tell him about my request?
- Yes, I did.

I'm glad you're along, Kong,
you may have to carry me.

I'm just here to carry all the
money you'll get for doing this.

I guess it must be over here.

LUCIUS: Here, this is it.
All right, stop. I'm getting out.

Espereme aquí.

Hey, you guys. It looks like
there's a tunnel leading up.

Oh, I've locked the gate,
so we won't be disturbed.

Wonderful place this, isn't it?

I know it well. I've been over
every inch of it many times.

- What are you doing here?
- The same as you.

To meet young Mallory and
get a look at that trinket of his.

How do you know about that?

Your brother and I were
partners in a few schemes.

He raved endlessly
about the Mallory treasure.

But I was too late getting to it after
he died. The nephew got there first.

Well, better late than never.

MARCIA: Oh!

Now, if you don't mind...

- Wait!
- Dave!

I don't want anyone to get hurt.

I appreciate your help
in leading me to him,

but don't push your
luck, just stay put.

Mr. Mallory, we can't just
let him get away with this.

He's right! Come on,
let's go. We'll be OK.

Come on.

After you, brother.

- Is it locked?
- Yeah.

Well, come on, Dave! Use
your muscles, break that thing.

[GROANS]

- Uncle Brian?
- No, I'm not your uncle.

But I've come for
the same thing.

Come on, you guys.
Give me a hand!

[ALL GROANING]

Yeah!

Ah, the Mallory treasure!

I see you've taken good
care of it. Thank you.

Now, just stay calm.

No!

- Come on, Pete, let's get him.
- Tom! Are you all right?

- I'm going to go get some help.
- Tom, I'm Janet Mallory.

[HORNS HONKING]

[MARVIN SHOUTING]

A-ha! Not so big
without your g*n, huh?

Ah, now, if you
don't mind... All right!

I think we can call this
case a closer. Book him!

- There you go, Tom.
- Thank you.

This rightfully belongs to you.

JANET: How beautiful!

What were you going
to do with it, Tom?

Frankly, I was going to sell it,
and use the money to build a clinic.

It's paradise here.

But even in paradise,
there's the poor.

But I'll find another way.

We Mallorys are persistent.

[EXHALES]

You know, maybe I
did get too much sun.

Tom... It's nice
meeting you, nephew.

It's a privilege meeting you.

JULIE: [OVER PA] Attention all
passengers leaving for Los Angeles.

Airport transportation is
now available for boarding.

The passengers are
leaving, come on...

Hey, that sure was
a nice thing you did,

donating the money Mallory
gave you to Tom's clinic.

When all the others
did, I had no choice.

I mean, I was glad to do it.

It was my idea. Heck,
I'm all for charity.

- You are?
- Oh, absolutely.

You know, if I had
kept that money,

I just would have blown it on
chicks and parties and wild times.

So, it's much better this way, that
it's actually going for a worthy cause.

- Aaagh!
- [CLANK]

- Are you sure you won't reconsider?
- I'm afraid not, Charlie.

I thought you were going to
be my ally. You let me down.

I'm sorry.

She didn't let me down. She's
the one who saw it straight.

You know something, Merrill? I think
maybe I tried to hire the wrong sailor.

- Bye, bye.
- So long, Charlie.

- Pete! Good news!
- What's that?

A cablegram from Blake. He won't
be needing a transplant anymore.

Hey, that's great news! Did you hear
that, George? We've been rejected!

You and me both, George.
He's going to marry his nurse!

You know, I've got the
greatest idea I've ever had.

As long as you were engaged to part
of me, why not just take the whole thing?

- You really mean it?
- Yes.

My turn to buy you a ring, as
soon as I get off the plane in LA.

Course, uh... maybe you want to
take some time to think about it?

Oh, are you kidding? I already
cabled my Uncle George.

He'll be waiting for us at the
airport with a suitcase full of samples.

- [LAUGHS]
- OK.

Well, thank you, Julie.
Don't take it too hard.

- Well, life must go on.
- Roger's so crazy!

He decided we should get
married right here in Puerto Rico.

He's just full of
little surprises.

That ought to really be
something to tell your little boys.

- What boys?
- Didn't you tell her?

Uh... Not yet.

Oh, Maude, I think you're
in for a lot of little surprises.

Thank you for sailing with us.

Bye, Roger.

Dave, I've been thinking.

This really isn't going
to work between us.

Huh?

Well, you really don't talk
and you don't read a lot.

And we really don't communicate
on too many levels, you know.

All you do is just sit
around and flex and lift.

I really think I need
a more educated guy.

[LAUGHING] Oh,
come on, Marcia...

Wait a minute, I mean, granted
you are one gorgeous hunk of a guy,

you know what I mean?

And you have the
most marvelous body.

And the physical end of our
relationship is just... It's really super.

But Dave...

Dave...

Maybe we could give
this a few more weeks.

Yeah!

- I hope you enjoyed your cruise.
- Yeah, thank you.

- Thanks for sailing with us.
- Thank you.

Do you want to say goodbye?

Thank you.

Mr. Mallory, excuse me.

I'd like for you to read this. I
wrote it while I was on the boat.

It's the blazing adventures
of a Caribbean pirate.

- I call it The Mark of Marvin!
- Yes, of course you do.

- Hello.
- Hello.

I hope he realizes
how lucky he is,

but if he ever slides back,
you know where to find me.

I'll never forget you, Adam.

You're very, very special.

Goodbye.

[SIGHS] So how
come I came in second?

Bye!

- Bye!
- So long!

Bye.