07x15 - How Do I Love Thee?/No More Alimony/Authoress! Authoress!

[bunniefuu]

[Theme - Jack Jones, "the love
boat theme"]

Theme song: Exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you and
love, life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It flows back to you.

The love boat soon will be
making another on the run.

The love boat promises
something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard the love.

[Music playing]

Captain: Enjoy the cruise.

Welcome aboard.

I'm captain.

Laura?

Merrill?

Merrill stubing?

The very same.

And you're Laura Thornton.

Laura Hayes for
eight years now.

This is my husband, George.

Captain: It's a pleasure
to meet you, George.

This is my daughter, Vicky.

Nice to meet you.

Well, you didn't tell me that
you knew the ship's captain.

I didn't know I knew
the ship's captain.

It was difficult to recognize
you behind those sunglasses.

You look lovely, Laura.

You haven't changed a bit.

Except I wasn't walking
into doors in those days.

I didn't have this.

Nasty bruise.

Oh no, it's nothing.

It happened almost
two weeks ago.

We have a deep dark secret.

This beautiful bewitching
creature is accident prone.

She's also full of surprises.

Picking a cruise commanded
by your old flame?

Oh, hardly an
old flame, George.

Not even a spark.

No, Laura and I are just old
friends from the same hometown.

Part of a group that used
to hang around together.

Sure.

That's what they all say.

I'm going to keep an
eye on you, anyway.

George.

Nice meeting you.

Nice to meet you.

Bye bye.

Hi, I'm Allen price.

Can you tell me if a Mrs.
Sheila price is boarding here?

Let's see here.

Why don't you tell
me which cabin

you and Mrs. Price are in?

Well, it better not
be the same cabin.

She's bringing her fiance along.

Sheila and I are divorced.

Oh, sorry.

Not as sorry as I've been.

Those alimony payments
are k*lling me.

I had to borrow the money
to take this cruise.

Now, the alimony
part I understand.

But the rest--

well, if Sheila
gets married again,

I won't have to pay
any more alimony.

But she gets engaged, and
then she gets disengaged.

This guy's her fourth.

What's her problem?

She always seems to find
something wrong with the man

she's about to marry.

So you're here
to make sure she

gets hitched without a hitch.

Got it.

Here she comes.

Wish me luck.
- Good luck.

Good luck.

Sheila.

What a delightful surprise.

Allen, what are you
doing on this cruise?

Well, I was
cleaning my apartment,

and I found some loose change
behind the sofa cushion.

Well, according to
our divorce agreement,

I'm entitled to half of that.

Well, you won't have to worry
about alimony much longer.

I'm getting married.

No.

Yes.

Well, congratulations.

So where's the lucky man?

Lou's paying the cab driver.

He'll be right here.

That must be the cabbie
with your luggage now.

Coming through.

That's not the cabbie.

That's Lou.

Lou.

Dollface.

Sheila, you are a lucky woman.

And by tomorrow,
I'll be a lucky bride.

Let me.

No, no.

I got it.

Come on, sweetheart.

[Inaudible] Come on, I got that.

I know it doesn't look
like a match made in heaven,

but please, give
it your best sh*t.

Enjoy your cruise.

Aunt Sylvia, Betsy.

Betsy, it's Julie!

It's Julie!

Well, you knew she
works on the ship.

Why are you so
surprised to see her?

I like to be surprised.

Aunt Sylvia!

Oh Julie.

Betsy.

Oh dear.

Oh, Julie, you look so good.

Well, what are you
two up to this time?

As your aunt Sylvia would
say, whatever do you mean?

What I mean is, every
time you come on this ship,

you have some sort
of scheme planned.

Julie, how can you
say something like that?

Well, the scheme this time is--

[inaudible] Sylvia.

I am writing a book on
my life in show business.

That's great.

Tell Julie about
the scheme, Betsy.

Tell her about our scheme.

Well, there's this
man, John Drake.

And he's the most
successful publisher

of show business memoirs.

I've called and
called, and I couldn't

get past his secretary.

And guess what, Julie?

Mr. Drake is coming
on this cruise.

And we're going to make Betsy
seem so fascinating to him

that he would just beg her to
let him publish her life story.

Isn't that a wonderful scheme?

I guess it is.

But why don't you ask Mr. Drake?

He's right over there.

Well, here goes.

Excuse me, sir, but isn't that
very fascinating looking lady

standing over there, isn't
that miss Betsy boucher,

the famous Broadway star?

I never heard of her.

[Boat horn]

[Music playing]

Hello, Laura.

Well, hello, merrill.

Enjoying the cruise?

Is your cabin comfortable?

Oh yes, everything's
just perfect.

Where's George?

He's gone to make an
important phone call.

Look, if that eye
is bothering you,

I'll take you to
see Dr. Bricker.

No, it's nothing really.

Well, while the cat's away,
the mouse will play, huh?

George.

We're just talking.

I know.

I just like to play the
part of the jealous husband.

It flatters Laura.

Gin and tonic for the lady.

Thank you.

Not so fast, Laura.

That could be volatile
in the hot sun.

Oh, I was thirsty.

Hear anything about the deal?

No, nothing yet.

But this is no time to
talk about business.

I'm sorry, merrill, but
you've known Laura a lot

longer than I have.

Was she always this pretty?

The prettiest
girl in our group.

Oh, I wasn't either.

Now stop that.

I was a goner from the
first moment I met her.

And you know what?

My love for her has grown every
minute since I've known her.

She's a real gem.

She certainly is.

Well, business calls.

See ya later.

Bye.

Whoa, Sheila, isn't
this a small ship?

No, it's a big ship.

Unfortunately,
it's a small world.

Lou, this is Allen,
my former husband.

Well, Lou, nice to meet ya.

Sit down.

Join us.

[Inaudible] Grab some sun here.

It's a big ocean, isn't it?

Uh huh.

Well, it looks like
we got a lot in common.

Yeah, yeah.

Both wearing
zippy drivers.

Lou's very
interested in footwear.

I own a chain of shoe stores.

Shoe stores.

Oh, that sounds very exciting.

Want to hear a
slogan I came up with?

Kind of fits in with our
sports shoe department.

Feel the thrill of victory
without the agony of defeat.

Get it?

Agony of defeat.

[Laughter]

Well, Sheila, with a guy with
a sense of humor like this,

you're certainly starting your
marriage off on the right foot.

Or is it da foot?

[Laughter]

[Music playing]

There he is.

Now, you know what to do.

Betsy, of course
I know what to do.

We've gone over it
a million times.

You will go over there and
sit down next to Mr. Drake,

and then I will come
over to you and tell you

that you have a
very important phone

call from a very important
show business producer.

Now, you go over there.

You can count on
me to do my part.

Is this chair taken?

No, it's all yours.

There you are.

I've been looking all
over the ship for you.

Yes, Sylvia?

What is it?

Well, I just called
your answering service,

and they have a very
urgent message for you

from a big Broadway
musical producer.

He wants you to star
in his new show.

Well, maybe I'll call him
back, and maybe I won't.

Who is it?

Who is it?

You mean who's calling.

Yes.

Who is the big Broadway
producer who wants

me to star in his musical?

Gilbert hartman, the big
Broadway musical producer.

Gilbert hartman.

If I were you, I wouldn't
bother to call him back.

Why wouldn't you?

Why not?

Because Gilbert hartman
d*ed two years ago.

Betsy, I told you to get
a new answering service.

This one takes forever to
give you your messages.

Woman (over pa):
Attention please.

Main seatin dinner
is now being served

in the coral dining room.

This whole cruise is a waste.

Mr. Drake thinks
we're so ridiculous.

He'll never publish my book.

Don't be so sure.

I've arranged with Julie to have
us sit at the captain's table,

with guess who?

Mr. Drake?

You guessed!

[Inaudible] Betsy.

At dinner, I will ask you
to tell that story about how

you were stranded in buffalo.

You know that wonderful funny
story you've got in your book.

That is a funny story.

Oh, Mr. Drake will love
that story about buffalo.

But listen now, you
just ask me to tell it,

and then you keep
your mouth shut, ok?

[Applause]

And with the pipeline
to the kitchen,

may I suggest the shish kebab?

That's our special tonight.

Thank you, merrill.

All right, shish
kebab for two.

I mean, if you can't trust the
captain, who can you trust?

Oh come on now, you
don't need them.

Besides, they cover those
beautiful blue eyes.

Any news about that
business deal you've

been waiting to hear about?

No, not yet.

But believe me, it's in the bag.

You might even call this
cruise an early celebration.

I wish you luck.

Enjoy yourselves.

Thank you.

You know, your friend
uses every excuse

he can to make contact
with his old girlfriend.

I'm not his old girlfriend.

Now, you know that, George.

You're right, honey.

I'm sorry.

It's just the damn deal.

You know how
important it is to me.

I need it.

I know it, and
you're going to get it.

I haven't got much
of anything recently.

I better.

George, don't worry.

All right.

I won't.

As long as you love
me, everything's ok.

You know I love you.

Mr. Drake, i'd
like to tell you

how much I enjoy
those show business

autobiographies you publish.

Me too.

They're so revealing.

You really know how to get
the stars' innermost secrets.

Ok, Betsy, get ready.

I'll ask you to tell the
stranded in buffalo story.

Betsy--

I'm very flattered
you all like my books,

but let me tell
you, it's not easy.

It seems that everybody who's
ever been in show business

feels they have to
write their memoirs,

and every last
one of them starts

with the same boring
story about the time

they were stranded in buffalo.

Did you know that
Betsy and my aunt Sylvia

were in show business?

Yes, but we were
never in buffalo, ever.

Certainly not.

And if we had been
in buffalo ever,

we certainly would never
have been stranded there.

Never.

I don't even know
where buffalo is.

Actually, the only
real information

that I have on buffalo is
that you shuffle off to it.

[Music playing]

Your substitute
dancer is here,

compliments of your husband.

George asked you
to dance with me?

Well, it was
more like an order.

He was on his way to the
radio room to place a call.

Yeah, he's
checking on his deal.

Yes, he told me about that.

He also said that he has been
a stick in the mud all evening,

and he wants you to dance
and have a good time.

Oh, I, I, I
don't, I don't know.

Come on.

Let's show them how
Fred stubing and ginger

Thornton used to do it.

Ok.

Come on.

She's wearing a number
opera pump [inaudible]

Size and / Benny.

Benny?

Benny, that's shoe talk
for b or medium width.

And you can tell
all that from here?

Oh sure.

It's a gift, Sheila.

Man has a gift.

Speaking of feet,
why don't you take

mine inside and go dancing?

Oh, honey, i'm
afraid I am pooped.

And you know me.

I need my hours' sleep.

Yeah.

Man wants to be strong and
healthy for his wedding night.

Not an inconsiderate
bone in his body.

Well, we do have
a big day tomorrow.

So we might as well
say good night.

Ok, good night it is.

Good night, pal.

Sleep tight.

Don't let those bed bugs bite.

Yeah.

Don't tell me the dynamic duo
is calling it a night already.

Yeah.

Shame she's going to
marry a dud like that.

Sh, quiet.

You could k*ll the
whole thing for me.

The minute he puts
that gold band

around her finger,
that's when the gold

rushes back to my wallet.

[Music playing]

[Applause]

Well, you two dance
very well together.

Thank you, we're old champs.

Won a few prizes in our day.

Let's have a toast.

Oh, come on.

We're not that good.

No, it's for the deal.

It went through.

- You got it.
- What else?

George Hayes, super
salesman extraordinaire.

I'm in action.

Oh, George.

My congratulations
too, George, but you've

going to have to settle
for a handshake from me.

Shall we?

All right, now Sylvia,
are you sure you understand

everything this time?

Of course I understand.

Julie's going to pretend to
surprise us by calling us

to the bandstand
to sing a number

and impress Mr. Drake so
you can publish your book.

Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight, in addition

to our regular show, we may
have a very special treat.

Two wonderful show business
performers just happen to be

passengers on this cruise--

my aunt, miss Sylvia
duvall, and her equally

talented partner, that
great Broadway star,

miss Betsy boucher.

I think with a little
encouragement from us,

we just might be able
to persuade them to come

up and do a number for us?

[Applause]

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I present miss Sylvia

duvall and miss Betsy boucher.

[Applause]

[Interposing voices]

I don't know.

[In unison] Hit it!

[Music playing]

(Singing) Wherever
we go, whatever we do,

we're gonna go
through it together.

We may not go far, but sure
as a star, wherever we are,

it's together.

Wherever I go, I know she goes.

Wherever I go, I know she goes.

No fits.
No fights.

No feuds.

And no egos.

Well, sometimes you do get--

amigo.

[Laughter]

Together.

If I start to dance--

we both start to dance.

And sometimes, by
chance, we're together.

If I'm singing flat--

then I hit b flat.

We both can be flat together.

Whatever the boat
I row, you row.

A duo.

Whatever the row I hoe, you hoe.

Oh ho.

And any iou I owe, you owe.

Me owe?

Yes, you owe.

No, we owe.

Together.

Through thick and through
thin, all out or all in,

and whether it's
win, place, or show--

it's you for me.

And me for you.

We'll muddle through whatever
we do together, forever,

together, wherever, we go.

[Applause]

[Music playing]

Good evening.

Hey Lou, what
are you doing here?

I thought you needed
your hours.

Oh, who can sleep with
all these sweet young things

running around loose?

Hello.

Lou, tomorrow's
your wedding day.

Hey, I'm getting
married, not embalmed.

Watch this.

It works great with the
girls who model the shoes.

Excuse me, miss.

Number gold
metallic slingback

sandal, size and / a.

Well, you're right.

But how did you know that?

I'll explain it to
you over a Margarita.

Ok.

Betsy, did you
see Mr. Drake's face

when we finished our number?

He just loved it.

Oh, he did, didn't he?

Now I'm sure he'll want
to publish your book.

I'm going to go back to our
cabin and make some notes.

That way I can outline the whole
book for him in the morning.

Betsy, I know that
it's important to write

about charming and exciting
and colorful characters,

but please don't make me any
more charming and exciting

than I really am.

Oh, miss duvall,
I'm glad I found you.

I wanted to tell
you how very much.

I enjoyed your singing.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Drake.

Of course, Betsy is
the better singer.

In fact, Betsy is an all
round really exciting person.

In fact, you could
write a book about her.

Well, what I mean is that she
could write a book about her,

and you could publish the
book that she wrote about her.

Well, actually,
miss duvall, you're

the one who interests me.

I think I'd like a book
you wrote much better.

Why don't we go back to
my cabin and discuss it

over a drink, hm?

You see, miss duvall, books
are sold by personalities

going on television talk shows.

Audiences love the
ditzy blonde type.

I'd better speak to Betsy.

She's kind of blond, and
nobody's ditzier than Betsy.

Well, I was thinking
maybe you could do it.

You know what I mean, pretend
to be the ditzy blonde type.

You think I could?

Well, it's been a
delightful evening, merrill.

Oh, I haven't had
so much fun in years.

It's so nice to celebrate.

Yes, I'm glad your deal
went through, George.

Congratulations again.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, I'm just so proud
of you, darling.

Proud of me?

For what?

Oh, for the deal
going through.

The deal didn't go through.

It fell through.

There is no deal.

But you said--

I wasn't about to let your
old boyfriend, Mr. Success

and his fancy white suit,
know that his lover's

husband is a failure.

There was never anything
between merrill and me.

No, there never was.

But there is now, right?

You know how you make me feel.

Do you know how lousy
you make me feel?

George, I share in your pain.

You share in my pain.

I'm off on that damn ship
to shore telephone listening

to my whole life go down the
drain, and that's all you

care about is dancing
with Mr. Wonderful?

That's not true.

Let's talk about this later.

No, we'll talk about it now.

[Cry]

Ow!

Ow!

Let me in there!

This is your fault, and
you're gonna get it!

Laura: Ow, don't!

George, don't hit me.

George, don't hit me!

Please don't hit me again!

[Music playing]

Woman (over pa): This is the
last call for brunch now being

served on the starlight deck.

Don't miss out on
the croissants,

but please save one for me.

Morning, Sheila.

Today's the big day
for you and Lou.

It's still on, isn't it?

You can relax, Allen.

I know what you've been up to.

So you don't have to make
a fuss over Lou anymore.

I just--

don't you think I
know that he's not

the handsomest,
funniest, or the most

intelligent man in the world?

But after a couple of years
of the singles rat race,

with all this hey baby, what's
your sign, your place or mine?

I just want somebody
who's serious.

And Lou is serious.

I know what you mean.

If you do, just let it happen.

Look, I have a million
details to take care of.

So why don't you just
enjoy the cruise,

and by tonight, financially
you'll be a free man.

Sheila--

look, Lou may
not be the shining

knight I once thought you were.

But if nothing else, I
know he'll be true blue.

Hi Betsy.

Working on your book?

Betsy, there's something
that I want to tell you.

Not now, Sylvia.

I want to finish jotting
down this amusing anecdote

about when we first met.

Do you remember how I hated
you when we first met?

Hello, miss duvall.

I was wondering if we
could have a drink later

to discuss how your
book is shaping

up, in a manner of speaking.

I'll be in the Neptune
bar just before lunch.

What did he mean, your book?

Betsy, I tried to tell
him about your book,

but somehow things got mixed up.

And he wants me to write
a book about my life.

Sylvia, remember how I
hated you when we first met?

Yeah.

That was child's play.

Here.

Write the story of your life.

And if you have any
trouble spelling

the words that describe
you, at least one of them

starts with a b.

B. Bashful.

Benevolent.

Brilliant.

Betsy, not that b.

Hello, Laura.

Well, hello, merrill.

Only coffee?

I mean, you're passing
up our fabulous food?

It's one of the things
we're known for.

Well, I'm just really
not very hungry today.

What is it, Laura?

Oh, it's nothing.

I slipped in the tub.

I think I might
have bruised a rib.

Remember George told you
I was accident prone.

I think there's something
you're not telling me.

Please, merrill, let it pass.

I can't let it pass.

We need to see Dr. Bricker now.

Oh, no, no.

No, I can handle this myself.

Would you please leave me alone?

Please?

You'll just make matters worse.

Captain: How can
matters be worse?

Laura, I want [inaudible].

Will you please,
please, go away?

Now I'm begging you.

And don't come near me.

[Music playing]

Well, I don't know
what to do, guys.

I mean, if I tell Sheila,
she calls off the wedding,

and I'm back in alimony city.

On the other hand,
if he's running

around on his honeymoon, what's
the marriage going to be like?

On the other hand, who am
I to tell Sheila anything?

She's a big girl.

She can take care of herself.

On the other hand--

wait a minute.

You've already used
up two sets of hands.

So what do I do?

Can I ask you a very
personal question?

Sure.

Were you a good husband?

No.

Well, at least
be a good friend.

[Music playing]

Woman (over pa): Buenos
dias, and welcome

to delightful puerto vallarta.

While we're in
port, you may want

to sample one of the
many fine restaurants

that line its
cobblestone streets,

and follow it with
horseback riding on one

of the beautiful beaches.

Aunt Sylvia, there's not one
intelligible word on this page.

Maybe not, but there are
enough letters there to make

almost any word you want.

Betsy: Oh, I like this one.

[Gibberish] Am I
pronouncing that correctly,

miss book writer?

Yes.

Oh, I can't write a book.

When did you get
your first clue?

I have an idea.

Why don't the two of you
collaborate on the book?

I have a better idea.

Why don't we write it together?

That's what collaborate means.

Well, I know, but I
wasn't sure you did.

[Music playing]

Sheila, you didn't let
me talk before, so i'm

going to have my say now.

Allen, please.

I'm still busy with last minute
details before the wedding.

I can't let you
marry that man.

What?

I just can't.

You don't know anything
about the real Lou.

First all you do
is build him up.

And now-- Allen, you're
driving me crazy.

What if I told you
the man is a womanizer?

Lou a womanizer?

I'm disappointed in you, Allen.

Surely you could
come up with a more

believable story than that.

Well, he is.

I swear to you he is.

Oh, I get it.

You're so afraid I won't go
through with the wedding,

you're using the
reverse psychology bit.

Look, in just a few hours,
we'll be in that little church

in puerto vallarta.

And when we leave, we'll
be mister and missus

or senor and senora,
or whatever they

call married people down here.

So you can stop worrying.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
to jump into my wedding talks.

George?

Uh, yeah?

I want to know what
happened to Laura.

Oh, captain courageous
coming to the rescue.

Why don't you ask Laura?

I did.

She told me she
slipped in the bath.

I told you she
was accident prone.

That line is
getting stale, George.

Now look, a very dear friend
of mine is in pain, deep pain.

She doesn't want me
to be around her.

She doesn't want me to help her.

Now, I don't want to interfere
with your family business.

Good.

Then stay out of it.

Here he is.

Good luck.

Well, I read
the first chapter.

Wonderful.

May I ask you a question?

Did you like it?

Did you like it?

Did you like it?

Well, it's a very good start.

But to get right down to
the point, miss duvall,

these days the public
only buys books

with a lot of sex in them.

Maybe we could discuss this
later tonight in my cabin?

Give me a call so I
can ice the champagne.

Oh, of course I will.

I hate hot champagne.

What did he say?

I think what he said was
that the seamy side of life

sells books.

Do we have a seamy side?

You're my only seamy side.

Let's go back
to the typewriter

and see if we can't get seamier.

What does he mean by seamy?

Dirty.

[Inaudible] Water Polo?

Let's [inaudible] Teams.

I want you both on my side.

Hey Lou.

Ah.

I just ran into your
little girlfriend Cindy.

Oh?

Yeah, she was looking for you.

You must have been a
big hit last night.

Yeah?

Little old me?

She was so anxious to
see you again, I said she

could wait in my cabin for you.

Guess that was a mistake,
what with you practically

standing at the altar.

Your cabin?

Yeah, well it makes more
sense than using yours,

with Sheila right next door.

That's right.

And if I know Sheila, it's
going to be a couple of hours

before she's finished dressing.

Wait a minute.

How can I be with another
woman at a time like this?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'll think of a good
reason on my way there.

He told me he wanted
me to stay away from you.

But I want to help.

If I stayed away,
I'd feel helpless.

[Sigh]

Is that the problem?

This?

No.

No, this is just an occasional
attempt to block it out.

It's not a very
pretty story, merrill.

Sometimes it helps
to share with a friend.

[Music playing]

Allen, what are you up to?

I know you're up to something.

Nothing.

Sheila, I just thought
it would be nice,

after all we've been through,
to have a quiet goodbye

drink together in my cabin.

That's all.

That's all, really?

Sheila, you're
getting married.

If a guy can't drink a
toast to his ex-wife,

who can he drink a toast to?

Lou!

Oh my gosh, Sheila.

Lou, how could you?

How could I what?

Oh, you mean her.

I was just taking
something out of her eye.

Uh, it looks fine now.

You can go.

Well, I know when
I'm not wanted.

You were kissing her, Lou.

He was kissing her,
wasn't he, Allen?

That looked like
kissing, right?

That was not kissing.

I was giving her mouth
to mouth resuscitation.

I found her outside
in the passageway.

Poor thing said she
wasn't feeling well.

Stop it, Lou.
I'm not an idiot.

I can explain.

I can explain everything.

You can take your
explanations and shove

them up your crepe soled
wing tip [inaudible]

Size and / berny!

That's Benny!

and / Benny.

She never understood
my business.

Woman (over pa): Ladies
and gentlemen, we are

now leaving puerto vallarta.

We hope your visit
was a memorable one.

There's plenty of time to make
more memories on our return

trip to Los Angeles.

Hasta luego.

Laur, laur,
please don't leave.

Please don't.

I'm sorry.

You've said that
before, George.

No, I, I couldn't
help myself last night.

When I saw you dancing
with stubing, I went crazy.

I, i-- you were having
such a good time.

My whole world
was falling apart.

You told him to dance with me.

You set the whole thing up,
just like you always do.

You goad me, George.

You, you try to
create a situation

so you can be jealous.

So you can, so you can make
it look like it's my fault

and then take it out on me.

I was jealous.

George, it had nothing to do
with jealousy or with merrill.

You were just looking
for an excuse.

Wait a minute.

What does that mean,
it was an excuse?

It's because of you
and that damn captain.

And you were with him today.

I know.

Yes.

If you mean I was sharing
a problem with a friend,

you're quite right.

But the final solution is mine.

George, every time something
goes wrong for you,

every time you, you're
passed over for a promotion,

or some business deal
falls through, you,

you always take it out on me.

When you're angry with
the world, with yourself,

you hit me.

That's not true.

I love you.

I don't think I can live
with that kind of love anymore.

I don't want to.

Laura, please,
please forgive me.

Please, Laura.

I, I promise I won't--

I don't want to hear
any more promises.

I hurt from your promises.

I bleed from your promises.

I, I cry [inaudible].

What did you write, Betsy?

Read it.

Oh, Betsy, did
I really do that?

No, I made it up.

If Mr. Drake wants sex,
we'll give him sex.

Good girl.

Or bad girl, as the case may be.

Well, I know I didn't do that.

It's too dumb.

You did that.

Maybe it isn't that dumb.

Tell me, did we do that,
or did you make it up?

I made it up.

Oh, I am sorry to hear it.

That sounds like it could
have been kind of fun.

It does, doesn't it?

[Music playing]

Sheila.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

No, you did me a favor.

Better to find out
now than later, right?

I guess.

You know what else you did?

What?

You put yourself back in
hock with the alimony payments.

I don't know what got into me.

I was never Mr. Nice guy.

Though when I found out
what he was, I had to let

you know somehow.

You knew they
were in the cabin?

Allen: Yes.

And I know what got into me.

All of a sudden I was
taking care of you again.

It felt kinda nice.

In a strange way, it felt
kind of nice to me too.

Well, what do we do with
the rest of the night?

I say we do what
comes naturally.

Let the night take
care of itself.

[Music playing]

Betsy, I don't know if it's
right to let Mr. Drake read

all those seamy lies about us.

Sylvia, these seamy lies
may very well make us rich.

Oh, Mr. Drake.

Read what we've written.

I think you'll like it.

I'd have liked it more if
you'd join me for champagne.

You were both in harems
in the near east?

In different harems.

Sylvia was in a harem
in the near east.

I was in a harem
in the far east.

We met at a harem
convention in the middle east.

This is sensational.

I think I am going
to publish it.

[Laughter] All the
Hicks in the south

will eat up these sordid scenes.

[Laughter]

It just so happens, Mr.
Drake, that most of my relatives

are Hicks from the south.

So forget it.

What do you mean, forget it?

She means forget
it, Mr. Drake.

We don't want to
embarrass our relatives,

even though my relatives are
Hicks from New York City.

Besides, she made it all up.

I'll still publish it.

This is hot.

You'll make a lot of money.

No thanks.

Goodbye, Mr. Drake.

You're making a big mistake.

Well, I'm just sorry we won't
ever get our memoirs published.

Me too.

Now I'll never know
how my life turned out.

It's just so hard to
understand, merrill.

You give your whole life,
your very soul, to someone.

It just ends up in pain.

[Sigh]

I'm sure there's
something in George's past,

childhood that brought this on.

Oh, I know.

I know.

But it still hurts.

I'd like to talk
to you, Laura.

I love you.

I know you do, George.

Merrill said that I
need help, and he's right.

I've known it for a long time.

But I didn't want to face it.

I was afraid to admit it.

But you did admit it.

Why?

When you said that you didn't
know if you loved me anymore,

it tore me out inside.

I don't know how you stayed
with me as long as you did,

but I do know that I got
to have you in my future.

If the future is going to be
anything like the past, George,

I don't want any part of it.

I'll get help.

I promise.

Just stay with me, please.

I really don't think I should.

[Inaudible] It might
be best for both of you

to stay apart for a while.

But Laura, I need you.

I have needs too.

Peace, security.

Freedom from fear
in my own home.

Basic needs.

This can't go on like this.

George.

If you ever find that man I
used to love, I'll be waiting.

[Music playing]

Well, thanks for
everything, guys.

And I may be able to
afford to come back

and see you again real soon.

Sheila, don't tell me
you're giving up the alimony.

No.

No.

In fact, I insisted
on her getting it.

It'll cost me a
lot less to live.

We're moving in together.

Hey, that's great.

Wait a minute.

How's old Lou taking the news?

See for yourself.

Number , black
and white spectators,

size and / double a?

Lou the shoe strikes again.

Come see us again.

Bye captain.

George.

Laura will be staying
with her sister until--

until I can deal
with my problem.

I'll be waiting outside.

Well, I know it won't be
easy, but I, I have a lot

of time invested in that man.

I just hope the future
proves it worthwhile.

I wish you the best, Laura.

I know you do.

I know you do.

You're a very wonderful,
caring human being, merrill.

So are you, Laura.

And you deserve what every
human being deserves, love.

With respect and dignity.

Don't settle for less.

I won't.

I won't.

No, that's not the
way it happened at all.

Yes it is.

Goodbye you two.

Are you still going to
keep on writing your book

about your lives together?

Well, I don't know, Julie.

She and I don't seem
to be able to agree

on how anything happened.

We can't even agree
on how we met.

Isn't that strange?

Betsy and I have
been friends for years,

but I honestly don't
think we ever met.

[Laughter]

[Theme music]