03x06 - Joker: The k*lling Vote

[bunniefuu]

Okay. I got the almond milk
for Benecio.

[object clattering]

[thunderclap]

Ah!

[panting] Ah!

Always with the dead ends.

[gasps]

Why are you still chasing me?

I'm a different person now.

I haven't been
in a dark alley in forever.

Come on,
I'm a stay-at-home dad.

I mean, I'm not their "Dad."

I'm not trying to replace him.

Unless one day they asked me.
[chuckles nervously]

I mean, that would mean
the world to me.

[thunderclap]

[gasps and grunts]

You know, we missed you
at the school bake sale.

All the parents took a vote.

Your lemon squares sucked
and you're gonna die.

- [laughs maniacally]
- [screams]

[panting]

[sighs in relief]

[speaks in Spanish]
Que paso, corazon?

Did you have another
Debbie nightmare?

[groans] Yes.

Aww... mi amor.

Did you have the chorizo dream?

No, she didn't try
to cut off my penis,

and serve it at a book fair again.

But I haven't had a decent
night's sleep in weeks!

Bethany... this Debbie may be
my most challenging enemy yet.

♪ I used to think
life was a tragedy ♪

♪ An agent of Chaos
was all I could be ♪

♪ But I found a best friend
who completes me ♪

♪ And now I realize
life's a comedy ♪

♪ Wait 'til they get
a load of us ♪

♪ No one will ask
"Why so serious?" ♪

♪ All it takes
is a joke a day ♪

♪ To keep the gloom away ♪

♪ We live in a society ♪

♪ But, baby, it feels like
it's just you and me ♪

♪ I think you and I
are destined to do this ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ Wait 'til they get
a load of us ♪

- [Joker humming]
- [laugh track playing]

Good morning, Janice.

How is the most beautiful
school receptionist?

- Oh, you!
- [laugh track plays]

Oops! Let me turn this off.

I was just sneaking my shows.
[chuckles]

But who needs TV
when you've got

Gotham City's most infamous
criminal mastermind

turned sane bartender
turned back into unhinged

but now equally
charming psychopath.

[laughs] Janice, please.

I'm just plain ol' Benecio
and Sophia's stepdad.

Speaking of, do you have
the student list

for the new Spanish
dual immersion program?

It's so important to us that our
kids get a bilingual education.

Well, I'm not really supposed to
show this list until next week.

- I don't know...
- Mmm.

Oh, you know,
I can't say no to you.

Here it is.

- Ah...
- Morning! [door bangs]

[murmuring]

The New Spanish
dual immersion student list.

I think we're all very
excited to see that

Madison and McKenna
got in, am I right?

Am I right?

Your kids got in?

Now we're gonna know if the
maids are talking about us

when we're on vacation
in Cancun.

[laughs] And I can't
help it if I have connections

on the election board.

Better luck next year,

or as my maid says,
"escupo en tu comida."

[groans]

[Two-Face]
You've got to be kidding me.

You wasted $ million on ads!

And another million
on custom Pez?

- People love Pez.
- No one loves Pez.

You don't need this stuff to win.

In the debates, you can
just tell people directly

your plans for Gotham
and what you stand for.

Also, I've been
meaning to ask you.

- What do you stand for?
- Well, it's, um...

I... stand...
[murmuring]

Don't worry
your pretty little heart.

I'll teach him
how to trail off like a pro.

[laughs maniacally]

[smashing]

- Ha!
- [Bethany groans]

Are you still upset about
the dual immersion program?

Yes, it's so unfair!

This program would really help
the kids embrace their heritage.

You know, one time, I picked
Benecio up from soccer practice,

and I heard some other kids
mocking his name. [Bethany sighs]

This program would
offer him something

I can't give him.
More self-confidence.

The opportunity to feel
a sense of pride in his name.

A great boost
on his transcript

for when he applies
to early admission at Oberlin.

Always you with Oberlin.

Dinnertime!

[Gordon] Hey, mister,
that's strike two.

You pop off like that again,
we're gonna cross swords.

I'm all about changing Gotham
for the better.

And if I'm lying,
may God strike you down.

[gasps and groans]

[grunts]

You know the rules.
There's no TV during dinner.

- I think we just saw someone die.
- Sure did, buddy.

So, say we couldn't get into
the dual immersion program.

What's another thing you
guys are interested in, huh?

Uh, what about art or soccer?

It's never too early to get
into kinesiology, Benecio.

Uh, can I just go by "Ben"?

I don't want to stand out
in school.

That's it! Debbie is gonna get a
tire iron straight into the...

Bethany, no, trust me.

I know how to deal
with arch enemies.

I'm cooking up something
extra special for Debbie.

[laughing maniacally]

[gasps]

Hey, Debbie.
Nice parking spot.

- So, you're a VIP, huh?
- Uh, yes, I am.

Because I have
a very important job.

And I need
a very important spot.

- What do you want?
- Listen, I just wanted to show

my appreciation for you,
and all you do.

It's arroz con pollo
from mi casa to su casa.

Mmm-hmm.
And is that an ethnic dish, or...

It sure is "ethnic."

Speaking of r*cist,
I couldn't help but think

about the dual
immersion program,

and how amazing it would be
if you could pull some strings.

Oh, I see. So you and
your strong smelling dish

are trying to bribe me.
Is that it?

Is that what you're
trying to do? Bribe me?

Strong smelling? [sniffs]

No. [chuckles softly]

It's just that
there are only spots

in the program for all
of Gotham's school district,

and I know you have
friends on the committee.

Mmm. Oh, okay.

So, you're
threatening me, then.

Didn't you use to
blow things up?

[laughs loudly] Oh, no...

That was over a year ago?
That's the old me.

The only thing
I'm blowing up here

is your waistline
with my yummy dish.

Aw... I think it's so cute
that you're out here trying

to do stuff for your kids.
It's a adorable.

I so wish I could help you,
but it's just out of my hands,

and I guess it's out
of your hands, too.

[chuckles nervously]

Whose hands
would you say it's in?

Well, the city sets the budget,

so I'd take it up
with them or the mayor.

Oh, but no, I guess he just d*ed.
Oh, boo-hoo.

Well, I guess you're just
gonna have to go down

to City Hall and file a complaint.

- [engine revs]
- [tires squeal]

Oh, I'll file a f*cking complaint.

Oh, my God,
there were bones in this.

[rock music playing]

Whoo! We did it!

Dad! Congrats on being
the only candidate

to not die tonight.
But don't you think

it's a little premature
to be celebrating?

Barbara,
the opposition is dead.

Winning by default
is a bigger victory

than I could have dreamed of.

Boo!

[sighs] Dad, you still
haven't even figured out

your plan for Gotham.

Gordy, remember
your trail off training?

I'm glad you asked that.

- I guess the...
- Dad. I know you love Gotham,

and there are tons of things
that are important to you.

So just make that the plan.

What do you even
believe in, Dad?

As Reagan once said,
uh...

[distant expl*si*n]

- [people screaming]
- [expl*si*n]

The old Joker is back.
Get two cameras on him.

Where's the chopper cam?

[Joker] Attention, Gotham City.

I've had it with your sh*t.

I tried being a villain
that didn't work.

I tried being a good stepdad.
That didn't work.

I tried meditation and then...
Actually, that almost worked

until the app I was using
started charging.

Yet the city remains
a hateful assh*le.

That's why things are
going to change right now!

[all screaming]

[woman screaming]

He's pointing it at me!

- [trigger clicks]
- [people shouting]

[shouting dies down]

I'm running for mayor!
[laughs]

- [laughs boisterously]
- [fanfare playing]

Less than hours ago,

Joker announced
he was running for mayor.

Today, we are following Joker

and his g*ons
to the Gotham Bank.

For what? We're not sure.

I'm Suave with Thrice TV.

Can you tell us
what you're doing here today?

Some mayoral candidates
take bribes from big money.

I'm skipping the bribe part,
and just taking the money,

and giving it back to the citizens.

Here's your money sh*t!

Oh, wow. Ha!

Hey, what do you hope to
accomplish as mayor of Gotham?

Well, to start,
education reform.

Every child should
have the choice

to be in a dual immersion
class and be bilingual.

I also want free
universal health care.

Do you think Arkham would
have a three-year wait list

if everyone had access
to free mental health services?

And the rich one-percenters
are gonna pay for it all.

Big changes are gonna happen.

[laughing maniacally]

- [g*nsh*t]
- [screams]

Damn it, Gary.

I said we're not doing the
stupid Reservoir Dogs thing.

You want the rich
to pay for all this?

Are you like a socialist?

I'm not like a socialist.
I am a socialist.

And together,
we're gonna fix this city.

- [grunts]
- [gasps]

I'm sorry. I thought
you were ready for that.

We locked eyes,

I... You were looking
right here. Wh...

This is our money!
Our Gotham.

This, this has to be
some sort of trap.

It's Joker, for crap's sake.

He's Batman's arch-enemy,
and I'm Batman's best friend.

- Hmm.
- I just thought it should be said.

I just don't get it.
Why do people love him?

Because he has good policies.

Jesus, you need to start
wearing bangles or something

'cause I never know
when you're in a room.

Joker's preaching policies like
free health care, free tuition.

Oh, God, is my own daughter
some kind of Jo-Bro?

They prefer to be called
"Sane Clown Posse,"

and I'm not a Jo-Bro.

What we need to do
is fight dirtier than

we've ever fought before.

Do something truly diabolical.

No, I'm drawing a line.
Dad, I believe in you.

A mayor needs policies

and to be able
to make decisions.

Well, I want you to make
a decision right now.

Fire Two-Face
as your campaign manager.

If you don't,
I can't support you.

- It's him or me. You got to choose.
- Nepotism.

Oh, man! What is it with women
in this family and ultimatums?

Dad, choose!

Babs, sweetie. Things
aren't so black and white.

There's shades of gray,
I don't have to choose

Two-Face or you, I can
choose Two-Face, then you.

I'm so close to winning!
I've never said that before.

The ends will justify the means,

- I swear.
- It's crazy.

She's so quiet,
you can't even hear her walk.

Okay, when we talked
to Joker's hostages,

- some of their comments were...
- Dad, can you...

Kids stop, they're talking
about me again.

I wasn't gonna vote before.

But after hearing about his plans

for universal health care,
I will now.

Also, he's kind of hot.

- [excited chatter]
- Oh, moi?

Did you hear that, honey?
People think I'm hot.

Yeah, he's kind of hot
in like a David...

Augh! But... David who?
Spade? Tennant?

Cono. No TV
at the dinner table.

This was your rule, remember?

You wanted us to talk
like a family, remember?

Yes, yes, yeah.

Yes, yes.

So, does anyone else
want to talk about their day?

Today, the teacher said
that dinosaurs d*ed out

- because they didn't have religion.
- That's exciting.

You want to know
something else exciting.

My favorite toilet read,
Vanity Fair called!

Radhika, the editor
wants to feature me

in her series about
political game-changers.

Me, a political game-changer.

Dad, you're still coming to my
soccer game tomorrow, right?

What?
Oh, the game! Oh!

I'm sorry, buddy.
I can't.

I have the big campaign
parade tomorrow.

I have to put my focus
on the important stuff first,

then you guys.

Whoops, I mean,
you guys are first,

always first.
I'm doing all this

for you and the kids because
you always come first.

Well, I'm done eating.
Gotta go.

[people chanting]
Joker! Joker!

Okay, boys.

- [gasps]
- Let them have it.

[all cheering]

Change is happening!

- [laughing maniacally]
- [g*nsh*t]

Damn it, Gary.

[all cheering]

- [phone vibrating]
- [woman] I love you!

Two-Face, perfect timing.

You calling to concede?

[Two-Face] What?
How'd you know it was me?

Um, we used to work
together, like a lot.

[Two-Face] Oh, well, yeah, I'm
just surprised you kept my number

after all we've been
through, you know?

Did you, like, want something?

I'm about to give my speech.

[Two-Face] Oh, yeah. No, I just
thought that you should know.

- I have your son.
- What?

[Benecio]
Dad, please come get me.

[Two-Face] If you ever want
to see him alive again,

come to the abandoned
amusement park alone.

And in case,
I'm not being clear here,

I have kidnapped your son
and I'm holding him hostage.

Yeah, I got that.

Sorry. I'm... I'm used to
spelling things out for Gordo.

You probably don't need...
anyways.

Uh, okay, bye.

[chanting] Joker! Joker!

[chanting] Joker! Joker!

[chanting stops]

I'm coming, Benecio!

[thunderclap]

[eerie music playing]

Okay, I'm here.

- Where's the b*mb thr*at?
- b*mb thr*at?

I never said anything
on the phone about a b*mb...

Whatever. You're here.

Yes, I am. Whoa!
Hey, Two-Face, what is this?

It's Joker's step-son.
Once Joker sees we have his kid,

we can make him
drop out of the race.

If he refuses, I press the
start button on the coaster,

and Benny here
is gonna find out

why this place shut down.

- [laughs]
- What?

You kidnapped an innocent kid
and are threatening m*rder?

Two-Face, crimes like these
are considered especially heinous.

- You have to let him go.
- No f*cking way.

We can't go back now
because we're in too deep,

and I'm trying to keep up
above in my head

instead of going under!

Instead of going under!
I'm sorry.

Sum was playing
in the car on the way here.

[chuckles] I love that band.
But we're still doing this!

- I trusted you.
- Why?

Why do you keep trusting me?
My name is Two-face.

I almost feel like
you're trolling me.

Being Two-Faced is what I do.

It's pretty straightforward.

I kidnap kids.
I poison mayors.

Poison... poison mayors?

Did you k*ll the mayor?

I had to take action because I'm
trying to win you this race.

Do you think he d*ed just because
he was impaled by a pole?

He was taut for .
That guy had cum gutters.

I'm here. No, Beth, I'm sorry,
but you can't come.

I promise
I'll get Benny back safe.

Just get Sophia
to your sister's house.

No, no, not your brother's place.

Because he smokes
and Sophia has asthma.

That's why.
Well, someone there smokes.

I know I smelled something!
Look, I got to go.

I love you. Bye.

Where the hell is Benecio?

Oh, hi. Yeah, I'm doing fine.
Thank you for asking.

We can chitchat when you
give me back my step-son.

Drop out of the race.
and I'll let your kid go free.

If you refuse,
I'll press this button,

- and Benecio is gonna take off...
- [Benecio whimpering]

...on these broken tracks.
[laughs wickedly]

Wow, Gordon, I didn't take

- you for a child m*rder*r.
- No sh*t.

I am Jim Gordon, and I do
not approve this message.

You four-faced son of a bitch.

Okay, I'll drop out.

- You think I made a hard choice?
- Dad!

Wrong.

I'm only running for
mayor for my family,

and I'll quit for my family
just as easily.

Wow, I didn't even stop
drinking from my family.

Well, I did. But then
I started drinking again,

but it wasn't as much.

I'm sorry. I've been a bit
of a... well, of a douche.

- I love you.
- Uh-huh.

- Let's go home.
- I don't think so.

[lock clicks]
What do you think you're doing?

You said you would let him go.

- Why would you lie?
- Seriously?

You're making this
really not fun for me.

"Two-Face" is my name.

And if Joker is still alive,
he will always be a thr*at.

You will be mayor
and I will be DA again.

So that's what this is all about.

You act like you care, but deep
down, you're as dark as me.

I mean, look where we are.

Now, step back
and let me take care of this.

- No!
- [both screaming]

- [grunts]
- [both screaming]

sh*t! sh*t!
Gordon, do something!

Superman! Dad, we're saved!

Oh, no. It's just Gordon,
keep screaming, son.

[screaming]

- Joker, grab my hand!
- Yes.

[both grunting]

[screaming]

[chuckles nervously]
Gordon!

sh*t! Hold on!

[all screaming]

[both grunting]

- Benny. Benny! Oh!
- [groans softly]

Thank God!

You're okay. Physically.

Mentally, this is messed up.

Gordon, no! Don't k*ll him.

I have to.
He's done too much.

Look, no one wants to k*ll
Two-Face more than me,

[chuckles] but k*lling him
won't solve the problem.

It'll just make things worse.
That's not what you do.

You're Commissioner Gordon,
remember?

You make things better.

Oh, my God, you're right. Whoa!
You really have changed.

You're the kind of step-dad

I wish I could be for my
own biological daughter.

I just want to be someone
my family can be proud of.

I already am proud of you, Dad.

- You called me "Dad"?
- I've been calling you "Dad."

I called you "Dad" like, three
times on the roller coaster.

Not that it'll make much
of a difference for you,

but I'm gonna drop out
of the race.

You should be mayor.

Really?
You mean it?

Yes.
Congratulations, Mr. Mayor.

Gordon, I don't know what to say.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's pretty wild,
but it's for a brighter future.

And being Commissioner ain't so bad.

- I look forward to working for you.
- No, no, no, no, no.

My first act as mayor is
dismantling the police department.

You're out of a job.
[chuckles]

Sorry. Let's go, Benecio.

Should've k*lled me
when you had the chance.

[vehicle approaching]

Ahh! Watch the faces.

All right, I dropped Sophia off.
Now let me at him.

He's gonna be a "No-Face"
when I'm done with him.

Oh, good.
Your mother found us.

Ooh! And it's Tuesday.
Let's get tacos!

David Boreanaz!

I bet that's the David
that she said I look like.

Barbara, I'm sorry.
I choose you.

From now on, it's always you.

[voice-over] There's a
new dawn on Gotham City.

There's no limit to what we do.

Like Miss Walter do.

- Like I do.
- Like I do.

Like we do!

[speaking Spanish]
Como yo lo hago.

Like we all do!

[people cheering]

I am your mayor,
and I approved this message.

[chanting] Joker! Joker!

- [chanting] Joker! Joker!
- [all cheering]

Ah, I'm so glad
we're home. [sighs]

Wait. What the... [gasps]

We were gone for four days!

[groans]

Morning!

- You're in my spot.
- Correction.

I'm your nightmare now, bitch.

[laughing maniacally]