02x04 - Miakhalifa.mov

[bunniefuu]

[SOFT ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

SINGER: [SINGING IN ARABIC]

♪ ♪


Hey, Zainab. Salams.

Salams.

Uh, have you seen the
sheikh around anywhere?

- I, um...
- No, he's not here.

- What do you want?
- RAMY: I... I just... I gotta talk to him.

I haven't seen him for,
like... I don't know,

I think it's been days.

He is not here, okay?

He is out there trying
to get new investors.

Ever since everything happened
with your friend Dennis,

we lost our biggest donor.

Um...

yeah, I'm... I'm sorry about that.

I... is there anything
that I could do to help?

Your helping doesn't have
the greatest track record.

Yeah.

Well, I... I'm sure your
dad will figure it out.

I mean, he's super convincing.

The problem is convincing
him to take money.

He was so skeptical of this guy,

and it took me forever
to get him to agree,

and now that he's dropped
out, my dad's saying,

"Oh, it was always meant to be."

Maybe... maybe it was meant to be.

No, he doesn't get the
business side of things.

Now I gotta drive all the
way to freakin' Connecticut

and try to convince this Emirati guy

to keep his investment.

Let... let me come with you.

Uh, seriously, I... I can tell
him that it was all my fault

and that Dennis was my friend...

- Look, thanks, Ramy.
- And it had nothing to do

- with you guys.
- Thanks for your offer, but I got this.

Look, I can talk to him in Arabic.

You probably need someone
to... to... to translate.

And you speak it fluently?

_

Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Like, I know these Emirati dudes.

They need someone to come in there

and just, like, throw down some Arabic,

- be super confident about it.
- Ramy... La'a.

That's "no" in Arabic, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

I'll do the talking. You just translate.

Hold on a second, bro.

Are you telling me you're gonna be alone

with the sheikh's daughter?

Does the Sheikh Ali know about this?

He doesn't, but if I can
help make this happen,

then I'll get right with the sheikh

and it'll fix everything.

AHMED: Astaghfirullah.

If you mess this up,

it's really over for you and the sheikh.

This is a highly sensitive
situation, okay?

No physical touch, no hugging,
no handshake, nothing.

Just get in the back
seat, matter of fact.

YASMINA: What? Okay, Ramy,
you don't have to sit in the back seat.

Honey, Mo's right.

You don't know how Ramy is with women.

Look, man, before you hit the road,

read the du'a on traveling with someone

out loud so she can hear that

so she can see what kind
of man you really are.

And what kind of man is that exactly?

I haven't figured that out yet.

Uh-huh.

Ramy, don't listen to these guys

and pretend to be
somebody that you're not.

This is the sheikh's daughter.

I'm sure she's used to people
putting up a front around her.

Be yourself and focus
on what's important.

You have the chance to help the center.

- That's huge.
- MO: Look, man.

When you get in the car, just
take over the Bluetooth, okay?

Play some Quran.
Put you in the right place.

Play some Abd El Basset.

MO: No, man, I'm talking
about some new age sh*t.

Al-Rashid. You ever heard of him?

Bro, he's, like, one of the
illest reciters in the game.

So you're saying he's
better than Abd El Basset?

Have you heard him recite surah An-nur?

Bars!

Okay, obviously the whole
Quran is bars, okay?

I'm talking about you sleeping

on Al-Rashid specifically, okay?

I'm talking about some real lo-fi,
underground recitation, man.

I'm talking about just
a whole new flavor.

Sorta reminds me of when Avicii dropped.

_

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

What's with the dog?

Oh, um, yeah.

I gotta kinda, like, bring
her with me wherever I go.

Arabs hate dogs, Ramy.

This is gonna look like
a sign of disrespect.

No, no, that's... that's a...
a huge stereotype about us.

Seriously, like, I'm surprised

that you would believe
something like that.

I'm sure you've faced prejudices

towards, you know, your community.

- So to think that...
- Okay. All right, all right.

I thought maybe I could just hook up

to the Bluetooth before we go.

Um, there's this, oh, man, really
dope Quran reciter, Al-Rashid.

He's on SoundCloud, and I
thought maybe we'd just kind of

jam out to that on the way

so we... we kinda have all the vibes.

You have a favorite Quran
reciter on SoundCloud?

Yeah. Yeah.

It's, like, a pretty vibrant community.

Let's just, uh, drive in silence, okay?

Is that cool?

Yeah. No, silence is...
that's vibrant too.

[CAR ENGINE TURNS]

[STARK STRING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

VOICE ON WALKIE-TALKIE:
[SPEAKING ARABIC]

As-salamu alaykum.

BOTH: Wa alaykumu s-salam.

VOICE ON WALKIE-TALKIE:
[SPEAKING ARABIC]

[SPEAKING ARABIC]

What'd he... what'd he say?

What? Um, um, it's kinda
hard to hear, but...

[THUDS AGAINST CAR]

- MAN: [SHOUTING ARABIC]
- He said to open the trunk.

In Arabic, he's saying,
"Open the trunk."

- [SPEAKING ARABIC]
- VOICE: [SPEAKING ARABIC]

- What'd he say?
- Um...

it was a little...
it was a little staticky,

- different dialect.
- GUARD: This dog,

it has sh*ts?

- Vaccinated?
- Yeah.

Neutered?

- [TRUNK DOOR SLAMS]
- Yeah, yeah.

VOICE ON WALKIE-TALKIE:
[SPEAKING ARABIC]

NDA.

- Oh, it's an NDA form.
- Yeah, I... I got that.

Give it to me.

[UNSETTLING STRING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah ♪

♪ Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah ♪

♪ Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah ♪

♪ Allah ♪

♪ Allah, Allah, Allah ♪

Say something nice to me.

What?

Something. Anything encouraging.

Uh, yeah, just, you don't...
don't be nervous.

Let's, um... [STAMMERS]

Let's just do it, you know?

Just... just do it? You're quoting Nike?

Uh, that's not theirs.

Uh, that's for... that's for everybody.

PARROT: As-salamu alaykum!

BOTH: Alaikum salaam.

PARROT: As-salamu alaykum.

As-salamu alaykum!

Let's just go in.

[DOOR SQUEAKS]

♪ ♪

PARROT: As-salamu alaykum.

♪ ♪

[TWEETING] As-salamu alaykum.

♪ ♪

[CLICKING]

As-salamu alaykum!

[DOOR HANDLE RUSTLES]

SERVANT: [SPEAKING ARABIC]

- What'd he... what'd he say?
- [DOOR HANDLE RUSTLES]

Uh, I think he said something
about, like, a tiger,

or a... a bir...

- the bathroom or...
- You're a great translator.

'C... 'cause I speak Egyptian-Arabic.

It's a different dialect.

♪ ♪

SERVANT: [SPEAKING ARABIC]

_

As-salamu alaykum.

ZAINAB: Alaikum salaam.

Was that Mia Khalifa?

Who?

[DOOR CLOSES]

She's a famous, uh, actor.

He's met a lot of famous people.

SINGER: ♪ Allah ♪

♪ Allah ♪

♪ Allah ♪

♪ Allah ♪

♪ Allah ♪

♪ Allah ♪

BIN KHALED: That's me
and my tiger, Brent.

He's on vacation right
now, visiting his sister.

Mr. Bin Khaled, my name is Zainab.

My father is Sheikh Malik,

and I've been trying to
get in touch with you

for the past month.

Yes.

Yes, my assistant told
me you've been calling.

Uh, if you're here to
get my donation back,

it's out of the question.

Mr. Bin Khaled, our
center is an opportunity

for you to really make a difference.

My father can lead an entire
community with your support.

The blessings you would
receive, the rewards,

this... this could be
your ticket to heaven...

[QUIETLY] Sir.

[SPEAKING ARABIC]

This dog is special.

Uh, thank you, sir. [CHUCKLES]

Oh...

magnificent.

This is no ordinary pit bull.

She looks to be part wolf.

Uh, we're... we're not
sure the breed, actually.

She's a rescue.

Like I... I actually rescued her.

- She has a name?
- RAMY: Boomer.

Boomer. [LAUGHS]

Boom, boom.

[CHUCKLES]

[ISLAMIC CALL TO PRAYER PLAYING]

Want me to pray this one for
you, sir, or you got this?

Yes. Meet me, mashallah.

Cool.

BIN KHALED: Join me, brother.

Uh, Boomer can wait here.

I would like to join for prayer as well.

The women's prayer
area is down the hall.

- Oh, could she come with us?
- ZAINAB: It... it's... it's okay.

Just convince him, Ramy.

Boomer, sit. Sit.

Stay.

He's calibrating for changes
in the Earth's axis

to make sure he's praying
precisely to Mecca.

This man is an amazing prayer,

extremely gifted.

He'll do your prayers too.

Is... is that halal?

BIN KHALED: Trust me,
this man was chosen.

He's the LeBron James of praying.

[INHALES, WHISPERS] Allahu Akbar.

You recognized Sister Khalifa.

Yeah, I did.

How do you know her?

I met her in my quest
to conquer sexuality.

I found myself viewing her
videos at an alarming rate.

I needed to stop.

I, uh, I actually have
had similar problems,

and the sheikh has been really helpful.

And I feel like if you talk to him

about your problems,
it... it would be amazing.

BIN KHALED: I already figured it out.

I found myself sexually
fascinated with Mia's breasts,

but I wondered if I could create

a new relationship with them,

if I could view her breasts differently.

I discovered an old Islamic hadith,

somewhat debated, that states,

"If a person drinks the
breast milk of a woman,

"they establish lineage.

They become family."

It was used with women
who took in orphan boys

to ensure there'd be no fornication.

Uh-huh...

So... [CLEARS THROAT]
I reached out to Mia.

I told her about my addiction.

I found her to be a fascinating
and compassionate human being.

She wanted to help me.

So we induced lactation,
a difficult process,

but we procured the milk I needed.

And I knew...

that if I drank her breast milk,

my body would understand.

I cannot jerk off to my own mother.

Yeah, that... that...
that's a really good point.

Um...

Would you like a sip?

Is... is that her...

I'm sure your sheikh would encourage you

to do anything to stop
your deviant behavior.

Are you truly committed to your faith?

Would you do anything to get better?

[SWALLOWS, EXHALES]

BIN KHALED: Mm.

- Excellent.
- RAMY: Uh...

Now... tell me more about your dog.

Uh, you know what?

I'm actually... I'm
gonna go check on her,

and maybe I'll get some water.

Fountain, habibi.

I'll finish our prayers.

[DOOR OPENS]

MIA: Is this your dog? She's so cute!

Yeah, she is.

Um, Mr. Bin Khaled just told
me that you guys are friends.

He told you about the breast milk?

Uh, yeah. He... he mentioned something.

When he first asked me, I was disgusted,

but then I understood his intentions.

He just wanted to stop
looking at my p*rn.

Every time he did,
he felt shame around it,

and I get that. So do I.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Plus I owed him a favor.

He got !sis to leave me alone, so...

!sis was after you?

I'm not allowed back in Lebanon.

I was banned from the Middle East,

which is crazy

'cause they're the ones who
watch my videos the most.

Statistically, Muslim
countries consume more p*rn

than anyone else.

I didn't... I didn't know that.

I thought the Wi-Fi was, like, slower.

The men who are yelling at me

are the same men who are clicking on me.

Have you clicked on me?

Um... I...

BIN KHALED: [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Come.

Mia. Ah, I see you've met Brother...

[CHUCKLES] I just realized I
don't even know your name.

Uh, Ramy.

Ramy?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

BIN KHALED: Subhanallah. Ramy?

Man, have I got a surprise for you.

RAMY: Okay.

BIN KHALED: [CHUGGING MILK]

[GULPS, EXHALES]

Get the cart.

[UNSETTLING CHORAL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

BIN KHALED: I pride myself on
being able to tame the untamable.

I've collected lions, tigers, bears,

white people.

White people?

I own a few in Minnesota.

I collect all these things,

and I've exerted my
dominance over all of them

as a testament to my strength.

But...

I wanted to open up a
new chapter in my life

and give in to the only one
who could dominate me:

God.

Yeah, of course, Mr. Bin Khaled...

BIN KHALED: Yes, and I chose to do that

by donating to this Sufi center

because I felt it was
the woke thing to do.

My brothers, they told me not to.

They warned me. They said, "He's black.

"Get yourself an Arab sheikh and...

buy him off to say whatever
you want him to."

But I refused.

I wanted a man I could trust to
say whatever needed to be said,

and I thought I'd found him.

But then this whole fiasco happened,

and now I'm thinking my
brothers were right all along.

I don't need this kind of heat.

A violent mosque?

It's a bad look. It's dangerous.

Mr. Bin Khaled, why don't
you stop by the center,

see it for yourself?

Yeah, because... look,
Mr. Bin Khaled, look.

This guy, you know, he came,
and no one could've known

what would've happened
with him, you know?

He... he had PTSD and,
uh, that's not our fault.

If anything, that's, like,
a foreign policy thing.

You know, I know you
know a lot of people.

Maybe, like, d*ck Cheney or something.

That's... that's who
you should be mad at.

Uh, so what... what is this exactly?

This is your surprise... Ramy.

[CHUCKLES UNCERTAINLY]

Your name.

In Arabic, it means "archer."

- You must know this.
- Yeah, yeah. No, I know that.

Ah, so you must show me your skills!

Oh, my skills. Oh, uh...

You're the rami.

Yeah, yeah, uh,

but, sir, I... I actually
have never really fired

a bow and arrow before.

I mean, I... I know
it's my name, but I...

That's crazy.

That's like if your name was Snowboarder

and you'd never snowboarded before.

You must admit that would be rather odd.

Yeah. Yeah, probably.

I wonder if being named Ramy

makes you a naturally good rami?

This is actually a
fascinating experiment.

I wonder if it's in your
blood to be great?

What do you think, Kalim?

Is it in his blood to be great?

I don't know, sir.

What should I think?

Kalim, I think you think

that it would be in the hands of God.

- Yes, I think that.
- BIN KHALED: Yes.

If God truly wants me
to help your mosque,

then surely he will allow you
to live up to your name.

Uh...

I'm sorry, you... you want
me to... to... to sh**t?

Exactly! Here's the deal.

You hit that target, you get the money.

You miss, I get your dog.

- What?
- She's truly fascinating.

If I were white,
I would let her kiss me.

Yeah, no. I'm sorry.
You can't have Boomer, so...

[CHUCKLES]

What if I just gave you
the cash straight up?

- Money for the dog.
- Uh, Mr. Bin Khaled,

- Boomer's not for sale.
- Ramy...

- I'm sorry.
- Every creature has its price, Ramy.

I sold one of my own
brothers three years ago.

Wallahi.

He's in Yemen right now.

If Mr. Bin Khaled loves the dog,

don't you think it would be a
good idea if she stays here?

I mean, like, there's
room for her to play,

and you could come visit.

RAMY: I promised your dad.

She has to be with me
at all times, all right?

- She can't leave me.
- Okay, look, look. I... I... I understand.

I appreciate that you want
to keep your promise,

but we need this.

This would fix everything.

RAMY: [SIGHS]

No. I... I... no.

Well, then back to the original deal.

You want the money, you make the sh*t.

You miss, I get the dog.

How about I give you a practice sh*t,

then you decide?

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Just take out that arrow.

That's it.

SINGER: ♪ Allah ♪

♪ Allah ♪

♪ Allah ♪

♪ Allah ♪

♪ Allah ♪

Oh! [LAUGHS]

BIN KHALED: Wow! [CLAPS] Wow!

Great! Well done!

Living up to your name.

Yeah! [LAUGHS]

I can't wait to see if you hit it.

- Yeah, I just hit it.
- Yes.

That was the practice sh*t.

Now make the real sh*t.

No, but I... I just hit
the... the target.

On the practice.

It wouldn't have counted
had you missed, right?

Wow.

I am really excited to
see what happens next.

Um...

Okay. Uh, all right.

I'll just... I'll just do it again.

[SIGHS]

SINGER: ♪ Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah ♪

♪ Allah ♪

♪ Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah ♪

♪ Allah, Allah ♪

♪ Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah ♪

[EXHALES] Oh...

H... h... how did... how
did you miss that bad?

Yeah, I don't know what happened there.

- BIN KHALED: Kalim, collect the dog.
- KALIM: Yes.

No, no. No, no, no.

I'm not giving you the dog, okay?

We're asking you to use your
money for something real,

something that could
actually help people

instead of using all this
f*ckin' oil money on bullshit.

Real original, Ramy.

We're not all oil men, okay?

That's a disgusting stereotype.

I was one of the first
investors in Match.com.

Yes, some of my money is also oil money,

but also, a lot of it is love money.

Don't be so prejudiced.

Mr. Bin Khaled, look.

Donating to the center would
change an entire community.

You could be getting your
ticket to heaven, right?

Come on.

I'm your brother.

I drank the milk.

Kalim, how much were we
supposed to give them?

- KALIM: Two.
- million?

- No, no. Just million.
- BIN KHALED: Oh.

Well, that's fine.

Do it, Kalim.

- KALIM: Okay.
- [RAMY AND ZAINAB EXHALE]

- My brother.
- My brother.

BIN KHALED: My ticket to heaven.

Ramy, you have a way with words, habibi.

That's exactly what Zainab said earlier.

Mr. Bin Khaled, we really appreciate...

This dog respects you.
It recognizes your power.

That's why I wanted her so badly,

but... I'll give you your practice sh*t.

Shukran.

BIN KHALED: Come, Kalim.

It's your fault we're
here in the first place,

but... thank you, Ramy.

I... I just repeated
what you were saying.

That guy didn't listen to
anything that you said.

I think he respects dogs
more than black women.

I mean, I told you that that stereotype

- about dogs isn't true...
- But my dad was wrong.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Wh... what do you mean?

I mean... I knew this
was gonna work out,

and he said no,

and sometimes sheikhs are wrong,

and it is nice.

Yeah, but he... he...
he usually is right, yeah?

Okay, yeah.

Yeah. I... I just miss him.

But thank you for giving
me a chance to help

after, you know, everything.

I can tell you have the
right intentions, Ramy.

The center means a lot to me, you know?

It's a place where people can
come to Islam as they are,

and I knew that's what
you wanted for Dennis.

So...

Yeah.

Thank you, Boomer.

Thank you so much for your help.

No. No. Hey, no.

- She wanted to sell you.
- ZAINAB: No, no, no.

Seriously, she was gonna
f*ckin' sell you...

- Don't listen to...
- Hey, she was.

- No, no, no. No.
- She was.

You come here.
Come here. Don't listen...

- No, she was. She was.
- Don't listen. Don't listen.

Um...

As-salamu alaykum, Ramy.

Uh, wa alaykumu s-salam.

It's... it's really good to see you.

I... I... I missed you.

Hmm.

Thank you for...

helping us secure the funds.

I sincerely appreciate it.

Of course. Uh...

are... are you okay?

I was very clear with
Zainab not to approach

Prince Abdula under any circumstances,

but she... she just gets
these ideas in her head,

and she's...

She's so determined.

It seems now she's, uh,
set her sights on you.

- Uh, on me?
- Mm-hmm.

She has expressed an interest

in exploring the idea of, um...

Marriage...

with you.

Marrying me?

Wait, she... me?

That was my... my reaction too.

I was... a little surprised,

and, um, it seems that she
admires something about you.

You know, something about your...

your... your resolve.

She really loves the
way you love the dog.

Well, I, uh,

I... I didn't know that
she liked me like that.

To be clear...

she'd like to explore
the idea of liking you.

Zainab does things the proper way.

Well, um, have you, um...

have you told her everything
that you know about me?

I've prayed on this. I've prayed, and...

um...

as a sheikh,

I have a duty to protect
the secrets of my students.

But as a father,

I'd like my daughter to know everything.

So I have a bit of a dilemma.

And I've decided that what would be best

would be if you told my daughter

about your sexual exploits

if you decide to proceed.

And you think I should proceed?

Ramy, I'm gonna tell you
what my teacher told me

a long time ago in all her wisdom.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Uh, your teacher said, "I don't know"?

SHEIKH ALI: Yes.

I don't know.

At times, there's a conflict of interest

between being a father and a sheikh.

Yeah, no, I... I get that.

It's, like, uh...

like when LeBron had
to be nice to China.

You know, like, usually he,
like, is really politically active,

but he couldn't say anything
'cause of "Space Jam."

As your sheikh, I will
always try to be...

be patient and understand, um,

that we all make mistakes, and to...

always look at you with
compassion and... and love.

I will always try to exhibit

the compassion of the Holy Prophet,

peace be upon Him.

But as Zainab's father...

I warn you...

do not desecrate my daughter.

Do we understand?

Yeah, we... we understand.

- Good.
- Inshallah, so...

Inshallah.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

SINGERS: [SINGING IN ARABIC]

♪ ♪